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College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, January 31, 2007 [[On the beach. Dave and Margaret continue their talk]] / Dave: Let's suppose for a moment that I do *snirfl* / Dave: What the Hell good would do me to acknowledge it? / Margaret: Well. If you know you do, at least you can make a choice? / Dave: I already MADE a choice. And YOU said you didn't want a relationship, Margaret. / Margaret: Not between Blue and me, Dave. / Dave: Then what? / Margaret: You have to decide if you still want me in your life. / Margaret: I want you to be happy, Dave. But that's not gonna happen if every time you see me you're reminded of everything that could have been. / Margaret: If that's how it's going to be, then I'll just leave. With my grades, I have several choices. Out of the country, even. / Margaret: Say the word, and I promise that as soon as we get home, you'll never have to see me again. / [[Dave lifts Margaret's chin]] / Dave: Yes I DO love you, you stupid idiot. At some level, I don't think I'll ever stop loving you. / Dave: But I don't want you to leave. I want you to stay and destroy the world. Just like I always knew you would. / Dave: I'll be sure to keep a safe distance. / [[They kiss]]
http://crfh.net/d/20070131.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, February 2, 2007 [[A quiet room, away from the party]] / Mike: Close the door behind you, April. / April: [[grinning lasciviously]] As you wiiiish. / Mike: And wipe that goddamn smug smile off your face. I feel guilty enough already. / April: Guilty, you??? Psssch. / Mike: Do you think this makes me happy? Do I LOOK happy to you? / April: Not right now, but who knows about later? / Mike: *SIGH* April, there's still time to turn the ship around. Please, don't make me do this. C'mon. / April: I'm not making you do anything. / Mike: [[covering his eyes]] Yes. Yes you ARE. I hate this! Why, why do you have to be like this??? / April: Why NOT? If anyone taught me that being bad was fun, that was YOU! / Mike: Fine. This is the only way you'll leave me alone? Then it's NOT. My fault. At ALL. / [[He kisses her fiercely enough to knock her back into the wall. Her eyes open in shock]] / <>
http://crfh.net/d/20070202.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, February 5, 2007 [[On the beach]] / Margaret: That was a good-bye, kiss, wasn't it? / Dave: It... sure felt like one. / Margaret: You should go back to the party. Blue's gonna think I buried you upside-down in the sand, or something. / Dave: You're probably right. What about you? / Margaret: I think I'll stay for a little while. Try not to eat all the shrimp in the buffet, okay? / [[Dave leaves]] / Dave: Catch you around... I guess? / [[Margaret stares out over the surf, hugging herself]] / Margaret: [[thinking]] I guess.
http://crfh.net/d/20070205.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, February 7, 2007 [[A quiet room away from the party. April clings to Mike as they come up for air]] / April: W... wow. That, that was... / Mike: Shh. / Mike: April. / Mike: Do you love me? / April: Yes / [[A forked tongue flicks across Mike's lips]] / Mike: [[in Satan's voice]] GOOD.
http://crfh.net/d/20070207.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, February 9, 2007 [[Back in the party. Mike's Dad is on the phone]] / Tyler: [[through the phone]] Harry, what the HELL??? / Harry: Let me guess. Mike somehow played you and he ran away. / Tyler: [[through the phone]] Mike never got here! Who is the redheaded guy, and can we kill him? / Harry: Redhead??? Huh. Nah, let him go. Mike probably sent him in. He must have smelled something. / Tyler: [[through the phone]] Well, where IS Mike? We don't want to wait here all night! / Harry: [[through the phone]] We'll have to go for Plan B. Wait some more, I'm sending the other guy. / Tyler: WHAT other guy? / Harry: [[through the phone]] You know. That... David. Something. / Tyler: Oh Hell NO! No way! / Harry: [[through the phone]] What? Are you afraid of that little fairy boy? / Tyler: Call it what you want, we want nothing with that guy! / Harry: I do not believe this. And you're Hazel's elite force? / Tyler: [[through the phone]] Hey, we'd do it for her, not for YOU. Besides, she would have a / GOOD plan. / Harry: Why, you useless... ugh. You know what? Plan C. Just make sure the chopper's ready, okay?
http://crfh.net/d/20070209.html
 
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, February 12, 2007 [[Dave surveys the party]] / Dave: [[thinking]] Where is Blue? I can't see her anywhere! / Dave: [[thinking]] I hope she wasn't so upset she just left the party and went to her room. / Dave: [[thinking]] Also, because I'm starving and if I start eating without her I'll look like an ass. / Harry: [[off-panel]] Ahem. Boy. Um... David? / Dave: I want to be invisible so I can eat all the food. Uh, I mean... what? What? / Harry: Eeeeeeh-RIGHT. Listen up, kid, I'm really sorry to bother you. We have some sort of... uh, situation. / Dave: Situation? And why are you telling ME? / Harry: I have no idea. Mike asked me to look for you. It sounded like an emergency, but he didn't want to tell. / Dave: ARGH. All right. / [[They go off together]] / Dave: So where is he? / Harry: He's in one of the rooms. I'll take you there. And leave you alone, don't worry. / Dave: For God's sake, do you still believe I'm Mike's boyfriend? / Harry: Please, kid. I'm enjoying my acceptance stage peptic ulcer. / Dave: Oh yeah? Well, you're lucky. I'm only Mike's roomie, and my whole LIFE is a peptic ulcer.
http://crfh.net/d/20070212.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, February 14, 2007 {{Better Safe for Work than sorry, folks.}} / [[A quiet room away from the party. Mike and April are alone here. The lighting is subdued, clothing has been loosened; Mike stands close behind April. Very very close indeed]] / Mike: [[perspiring]] <> / April: Hff... whew! / April: Baby, that was just... damn. / April: I can't even... wow, you, you just... / [[Mike puts some distance between himself and April, whose top, we now see, has loosened considerably]] / April: Uh... Mike? / April: Mike? / April: Where are you...? / <>
http://crfh.net/d/20070214.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, February 16, 2007 [[April readjusts her clothing. Mike, putting his jacket back on, stares hopelessly at April]] / April: What's the matter? Uh, wasn't it...? I mean. / April: Oh God. Mike? Don't look at me like that... / April: Mike! / April: WAIT! / [[April is left alone, her clothing in disarray]] / April: I... I thought you'd like it... / April: I... / April: I thought you'd like me.
http://crfh.net/d/20070216.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, February 19, 2007 [[In a corridor away from the party, Mike's Dad follows Dave]] / Harry: Well, we're... wait. Kid, did you go out or something? / Dave: Uh, yeah. I still have sand all over the suit, don't I? / Harry: Nuh, you got... Look, just stand still for a moment... / [[Dave clutches at the stinging on the back of his neck]] / Dave: OWWW! Wait, what...? / Harry: [[holding up a squashed bee]] Heheh! Sorry, I was not fast enough! / Dave: ....!!!! / Harry: See it on the bright side... at least I got the little bugger! / Dave: But I'm allergig... yyy, getta lzzzk fffffhhllddd... / [[Dave collapses]] / <> / Harry: [[thinking]] Heh. Well, who said the Internets was only good for PORN?
http://crfh.net/d/20070219.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, February 21, 2007 [[Back at the party, Roger has fingernail-slap marks on his cheek]] / Roger: So yeah, Mike's an ass. He didn't bother pointing out that fire was painful, and I had to attempt to snatch the dress off my girlfriend without a distraction. / Samuel L. Jackson: Yeah, I know what you mean. That's too bad, man. / Roger: So I need another distraction. Say, do you know where I can get a UFO or two? / Samuel L. Jackson: I saw a UFO once. / Roger: Oh yeah? Where? / Samuel L. Jackson: I dunno. I was high on drugs. / Roger: Huh. Been there. / Blue: Hey Diana, have you seen Dave around? / Diana: Not really, but then again, I have been distracted. After all, Charlie Sheen and Hugh Grant are here. / Blue: Have you? Uh... what about Roger? How come Roger's not with you? / Diana: Roger? Who's Roger?
http://crfh.net/d/20070221.html
 
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, February 23, 2007 [[Mike is on the beach]] / Mike: Hhhffwhathfff what / Mike: WHAT the hell happened? What did I DO??? Why? / Mike: I'm gonna... ugh. This is not happening. Am I going crazy again? Is that it? / Satan: Relax, Mike. You're killing the afterglow. / Mike: !!! / [[Satan offers him a pack of cigarettes]] / Satan: Ciggy?
http://crfh.net/d/20070223.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, February 26, 2007 [[Darkness]] / Mike: Oh. NO. NO you DIDN'T. / Satan: Didn't I? Heh. / Mike: Absolutely not. Just... NO. / Satan: Oh, I don't have a problem with that. I don't require you to believe anything. I'm cool that way. / Mike: This was not supposed to happen. Not like this. / Satan: [[lighting his cigarette with a flame from his fingers]] It was that, or use my ten minutes to get "I'm Satan's bitch" tatooed on your forehead. Be grateful. / Mike: You... you destroyed my life. Just like that. It's over. I'm history. / Satan: No, YOU destroyed it. Sure, blame me for April. You'd have ended up doing her anyway. Isn't it right? Or are you going to tell me you took her into that room to play paddycake? / Mike: I was going to expell her from NOES. I just didn't want to humiliate her in public. I'm not... I just didn't want to be cruel. / Satan: [[puffing out smoke]] Wait, you mean I managed to destroy your life, while you were actually trying to be GOOD??? / Satan: Maybe you SHOULD get that tattoo after all!
http://crfh.net/d/20070226.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, February 28, 2007 Mike: I can't believe you played me like that. I can't. / Satan: I believe the word is "PWND". / Mike: So this is it? You got what you wanted, now you can claim me? / Satan: Nah, I'm pretty much done with you. Go on with your little life. Or kill yourself, I don't really care. / Mike: No, I think I actually DESERVE to go through it. Just for being so f[[obscured]]g STUPID. / Satan: Well, enjoy. The best is yet to come. / Satan: I'll bring NACHOS. / Mike: You know what you did? You went and took away everything I had. Everything that mattered. / Satan: I know. So, what's new? / [[Mike tosses away his robotic hand and puts up his dukes]] / Mike: Well, that's BAD news. / Mike: For YOU.
http://crfh.net/d/20070228.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, March 5, 2007 [[Mike swings his tentacle at Satan]] / Mike: Eat THAT, you son of... uh? / [[His tentacle swings through empty air]] / <> / Satan: [[off-panel]] Heh. Gonna have to be faster than THAT. / Mike: Oh, how cute. I guess it's freaking teleporting cheater week, isn't it? / Satan: Uh-HUH. Wait, I feel a deja vu coming. Didn't we do this thing before? / Mike: Oh, I know I can't kill you. Hell, I don't even think I can win. But God help me, at least I"m gonna kick your ASS a little bit. / Satan: SSS. Careful there, Mike. Remember who's in charge of the little skull lever. / Mike: I got your skull lever RIGHT... oh wait. You really hate that word, don't you? / Satan: Words are meaningless without the faith to back them up, you know. / Mike: REALLY. / Mike: So a prayer, coming from a jerk like me, is meaningless? I suppose you don't mind if I say "Our Father, which art in heaven..." / Satan: [[reaching for him]] No, I don't mind. But I think I'll just rip your tongue out and make you choke on it. Just for the hell of... / [[Mike seizes Satan's horns]] / <> / [[Mike hurls Satan to the floor]] / Mike: Come DANCE, baby! / <>
http://crfh.net/d/20070305.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, March 9, 2007 [[Satan's point-of-view: Mike throws a straight right]] / [[Mike uppercuts Satan with his tentacle]] / [[Mike follows-through on a right cross, looking slightly worried. Satan vanishes and teleports behind him]] / [[Satan snarls at Mike. Blue lightning bolts flicker from Satan's hand to his other hand]]
http://crfh.net/d/20070309.html
 
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, March 12, 2007 Devil: Hmmh. Not bad for a mortal, Mike. Not bad at all. / Devil: But who do you think Waldo and Steve learned hat trick from? / Devil: I guess you've tasted it before...but they're like little babies. Little ugly incompetent babies. / Devil: Spontaneous combustion is also fun, but nothing can beat the twitchy and spasmy. / Devil: Also, here's a little secret. / Devil: According to our deal, I can't touch Marsha. / Devil: But she can still land in Hell for her own sins. / Devil: And in that case... hehehe. / Devil: See you in a little while, Mike.
http://crfh.net/d/20070312.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, March 16, 2007 [[Mike's Dad wanders through the party]] / Harry: [[thinking]] Damn. Mike is nowhere to be seen... did he leave? I'm gonna have to abort the whole thing if I can't find him! / Harry: [[thinking]] Anyway, I have to check up on the guy in the maintenance closet... time for another dose. / [[Harry opens the maintenance closet, revealing Blue and Dave making out. He drops the syringe]] / Harry: [[thinking]] ...
http://crfh.net/d/20070316.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, March 19, 2007 Harry: OOOOoOOOH no, NO YOU DIDN'T!!! / Blue: DAAAAAD! You're embarrassing meeeee! Come-ON! / Dave: Yeah, man. That's just NOT cool. I mean, drugging me and locking me in a closet is one thing... / Harry: I find you in a closet. With your BROTHER's boyfriend. And *I* am embarrassing you??? / Blue: He's not Mike's boyfriend! He's MINE! / Dave: She got dibs on me first. / Harry: Okay. OKAY. You know what? THAT. / Harry: Is. / Harry: IT. / [[Harry produces a rather hefty-looking pistol, and points it right in Dave's face]] / Harry: I've HAD it with you. You're not defiling any more of my kids. First, because I ran outta them, and second, because I'm putting a bullet through your perverted, syphilitic HEAD. / Dave: Eeeeeepeee! / Blue: NO! Wait, don't hurt him! / Harry: I'm sorry, Blue. His reign of seductive terror stops NOW! / Blue: I didn't mean YOU! Dave, don't hurt my dad! Remember, he's got a weak heart! / Harry: All right, just WHO the LIVING HELL is THIS GUY??? / Dave: Blue, the really sad thing? He's pointing a gun at my head, and I STILL like him better than your mother.
http://crfh.net/d/20070319.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, March 21, 2007 Blue: Look... Pa, I can explain it all. Put the gun down before you hurt someone! Calm down and hey, hey PA WAIT! WAIT!!! / Harry: Killin' now explaining later! Eat LEAD, you double GIGOLO! / [[Dave ducks as Harry pulls the trigger]] / <> / Dave: I KNEW the night would end like THIS! / [[Dave shoots a beam from his eyes and blasts the gun from Harry's hand]] / <> / [[Harry stands stunned while Dave stares at him eyes still glowing]] / [[Blue and Dave watch shaken as Harry collapses]] / <>
http://crfh.net/d/20070321.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, March 23, 2007 [[April is leaning on the balcony, watching the ocean]] / Paul: [[off-panel]] Hey, pretty lady. / Paul: [[off-panel]] What are you doing here all by yourself? / April: <> / April: <<*hic*>> / [[Paul approaches. He has a black eye]] / April: Get'ng toasted as FASSST ash I *hic* can. Uuuh, whas wid the shhh...iner? / Paul: What? Hahah! Nothing. I got a close encounter of the kinky kind. / April: Boo. So did I. Pfft. It SUCKKkd. Got my ownnn shinr too. / Paul: Lemme guess. Middle of the chest, a bit to the left? / April: Uh-huh. *hic* / Paul: Need a hug? / [[Paul hugs April]] / April: Ferget it. I blew... all my money onn hair stuff. / Paul: An honorable reason, too... but don't worry. We'll say you're using your frequent flyer miles here.
http://crfh.net/d/20070323.html
 
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, March 26, 2007 [[Mike's Point-of-View: A blurry Margaret is slapping his face]] / Margaret: Hey! HEY, Mike, you stupid MORON! / Margaret: BREATHE! / Margaret: C'mon, breathe, godammit! / <> / <> / <> / [[Mike is lying on the ground, semi-comatose and in pain. Margaret sits on him]] / Mike: Ooowww... wait, wwait. Stop hitng me.... I be good... / Margaret: YOU??? NOW you got me worried! / Mike: I swerr th webcam... not my idea... / Margaret: Well, okay, just don't scare me like that! I thought you were half-dead or something! / Mike: Wrrrrong... percentage...
http://crfh.net/d/20070326.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, March 28, 2007 Margaret: So what happened here, Mike? I saw a light show and found you like this... / Mike: Ugh. Short story is, Satan curb stomped me. In EVERY possible sense. / Margaret: What?! He was HERE??? I thought you said that he couldn't show up unless he was summoned! / Mike: Wellll.... I might be a special case... anyway... / Mike: This is bad, you know? REALLY bad. / Margaret: Why? What's gonna happen? / Mike: I dunno. But it's gonna be worse than a summerian burrito. / Mike: I'm gonna need every bit of help from you guys if we're going to make it through this as a group. / Margaret: Well, don't look at me. Dave and I solved our stuff. / Mike: What about Roger and you? / Margaret: I don't know. But Diana's pissed at him, and I guess it's partially my fault. / Mike: Huh. Well. We're going to solve that. Right now.
http://crfh.net/d/20070328.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, April 2, 2007 April: <> Hic! / April: Blargh... / <> / April: Uh? / April: OH. / Marsha: <>
http://crfh.net/d/20070402.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, April 4, 2007 Marsha: Hey, April. Nice dress. REALLY nice dress. / April: Uuuuh... really LONG knife, Marsha. / Marsha: I got it from the hotel kitchen. I hope you like it. / April: Nnnnot really... / Marsha: Oh, too bad. Because you two are going to have a relationship. / April: AAAARRRGH! Wait, wait! Can't we talk about this later? I'm too drunk to die right now! Marsha!!! / Marsha: HAHAH! So I notice! You had a really good time, didn't you? That makes me feel a little bit better about it! / April: But uh no FAIR I... ARGH! / Marsha: You made a very good choice there, April. Red REALLY suits you. You'd look even better if your dress was all red. But that can be fixed, don't you think? Well, don't you?
http://crfh.net/d/20070404.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, April 6, 2007 [[Tyler and another of the Green thugs carry Harry Green's pasty-faced, limp body down a corridor. Blue runs alongside. Dave trots after them, worried]] / Dave: I'm really really really really sorry! I didn't mean to do it! But he was shooting at me, and seriously, who would have THOUGHT that a guy who was married to the Dragon would kick the bucket over some harmless cute laserin'??? / Tyler: She does some laserin' too, although it involves being tied up spread-eagle and she always aims for the crotch. / Blue: Dave, you're not getting any points over this! Shut up before you start going into negatives!
http://crfh.net/d/20070406.html
 
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, April 9, 2007 [[Dave helps Blue up into the helicopter]] / Dave: HEY!!! What the Hell??? I'm going too! / Voice from inside helicopter: Sorry, you don't fit! And you NEVER will! HAHAHAHA! / [[somebody boots Dave away with a foot]] / Dave: ... / [[The Helicopter begins to fly away]]
http://crfh.net/d/20070409.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, April 11, 2007 Marsha: Ironic. Doctors were wrong. People WERE out to get me. / April: UGH! Okay, okay! I'm sorry! I'll stay away from Mike, I promise! / Marsha: Deja. Vu. April. / April: So, so what? What do you want from me? / Marsha: I just want to know why, April. That's it. / April: You're asking me why??? Are you kidding me? / Marsha: Yes, I'm interested in knowing what I did to deserve to be betrayed. / April: What YOU did. Of course! It's always Marsha Marsha MARSHA! / Marsha: Huh? Look, I know I haven't been a good friend lately... In your situation I should have been more... / April: Oh, now you're PITYING me??? F*** you. Why don't you hate me? Then it'd be MUTUAL. / <>
http://crfh.net/d/20070411.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, April 13, 2007 [[Marsha, the knife still in her right hand, slaps April with the braid which April has, until a few moments ago, been wearing.]] / <> / April: <> / [[Marsha drops the knife, which embeds, point-down, in the floor. April clutches her slapped cheek with one hand and stares, shocked, at the unattached braid she is holding in the other]] / Marsha: [[off-panel]] Tell you what, April. / April: ...!!!! / Marsha: [[off-panel]] Don't expect a birthday card from me this year.
http://crfh.net/d/20070413.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, April 16, 2007 [[Back at the party, Roger is being advised...]] / Christopher Walken: Okay, pal, listen up. There's two things you need to know about love. The first is that no matter what you do, you're f<>d. The second is that right now I'd love it if you just got the hell outta my face. So here's the thing. You go far, far away now, and maybe I won't be doing some tapdancing inside your skull. / Roger: Aaaw, thanks! You make me feel right at home, y'know... / JoseB: But are you absolutely, positively sure it's impossible to create a miniature black hole on my kitchen table? / Stephen Hawking: Perhaps with a power blender... / Roger: [[thinking]] Scary crazy tender Walken guy is RIGHT. I think I've been circling around long enough! It's time to settle down and lick my... no wait, that's for another time. / Roger: Di, look, this is not fair. / Diana: What's not fair? You calling me a ho, or you acting like I'm stupid? / Roger: You're right, it's not fair. Yeah, I was going to call you a ho. I'm the one who is stupid. I'm really sorry. / Diana: Look, Roger. If you're not okay with what I do, you don't have to take it. I'm giving you the chance to step back. / Roger: [[holding out his left hand so she can see the palm]] I don't want to step back. And I *am* okay with what you do. Look at my eye, I'm sincere about it. / Diana: Yeah, until next time you go all holier-than-thou on... oh wait. Look WHO is back for seconds! / Margaret: Hey what up, dawgs?
http://crfh.net/d/20070416.html
College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, April 18, 2007 Margaret: [[holding up a roll of bills]] Pssch. Sorry. Look, I just wanted to give you your money, that's all. / Roger: [[snatching it]] Money GIMME. Wait, what money? / Margaret: Oh, you know... for your "SERVICES". / Roger: My what??? / Margaret: Oh, you know. Back in the woods. Is this awkward? I thought she knew... why didn't you tell her? You weren't her boyfriend at that particular time... / Roger: Are you on CRACK? / [[As Margaret wanders away, Roger shouts after her; and Diana hugs Roger forgivingly]] / Roger: You must be crazy! That, or you're stiffing me! / Roger: I am WAY more awesome that $50! / Roger: Hey! HEY!
http://crfh.net/d/20070418.html
 

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