You're browsing the archives of College Roomies From Hell.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Saturday, February 21, 2004||Mike: Uh, Roger? Are you in there? / Roger: [[off-panel]] Of course I'm here, Mike. Why do you ask? Did you think I was gonna eat Dave, or what? / Mike: Well, for a second there, yes. Sorry, but seeing you paint the walls with human organs makes me a little bit nervous. / [[Roger is still BIG werecoyote... with bloodstained teeth, lips and claws. His eyes are glowing red as he towers over Mike]] / Roger: Nervous? Well, I'd be too. One would think something so big and wrong-looking can't have any intelligence, or the ability to tell between good and evil. Is that it? / Mike: Uh... no. I just wanted to make sure that... that you could tell friend from foe, that's... / Roger: I know who my friends are, Mike. I have only one. It's a true friend, one that never leaves. / [[Roger lifts Mike by the hand and tentacle in one gory paw and grins messily in Mike's face]] / Roger: Meet the darkness inside of me. / Roger: [[in Satan's voice]] Pleased to meet you. Hope you guess my name!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, February 22, 2004||Mike: Roger, we don't have time for this.
/ Roger: [[in Satan's voice]] Roger has left the building. But you and I share some good memories... oh wait, you have amnesia now, right? I guess I could remind you by traditional means... or just hurt you really bad and wait for it all to return to you.
/ Mike: Ugh! I think this hurts enough already...
/ Roger: [[in Satan's voice]] Yeah, but as they say... there's never too much of a good thing! / [[There is a blinding blue flash]]
/ Roger: <
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, February 23, 2004||[[Mike works on Dave's handcuffs]] / Mike: Nice bullet wound. Do you think you can walk? We need to get you out of here. / Dave: Don't feel well at ALL. OWowow. C-careful... / Mike: Why in the name of H'astur did you attempt an escape while you were STILL cuffed? / Dave: OW. I... panicked. Stufffpid. / Mike: All right, you're free. Dave? I'm gonna need you to help me here... I just CAN'T carry two unconscious people. / [[Dave has slipped out of consciousness again]] / Mike: If you just... Dave? Dave, crap, don't do this to me now. / Mike: [[thinking]] Well, NOW we're really screwed. They'll be here any minute. Have to make some tough decisions. / Mike: [[thinking]] So, do I save the guy who just saved my life but won't likely make it? / Mike: [[thinking]] do I save the guy who just attempted to kill me but can help me escape? / Mike: [[thinking]] or do I just leave through that door alone and never turn back?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Mike: [[thinking]] *sigh* / Mike: [[thinking]] Don't think about it Mike, you'll freeze up if you do. / [[Mike covers Roger with his gown] / Mike: [[thinking]] You could take one, but they have more chances together. / Mike: [[thinking]] The only thing they need to do is survive. You'll do the rest. / [[Mike begins putting on a guard's uniform]] / Mike: [[thinking]] Doctor Ugly was right. There truly is no escape. Which means only one thing. / Mike: [[thinking]] First, you look for this Damascus guy. / Mike: [[thinking]] And then you stick the whole underwater base up his ASS.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, February 25, 2004||[[In the interrogation room of the secret base, Mike fits a guard's glove onto his hand. Roger looks about in panic, trembling. He is naked and covered in blood.]]
/ Roger: Hhh... Uh, what happened here?
/ Mike: You went into a human-flesh eating contest with yourself?
/ Roger: No, I didn't. I am... sure...
/ Mike: Yes, you did.
/ Roger: ThatThatThat was just a NIGHTMARE. I remember it clearly, I was dreaming, I, I was so HAPPY, and that's just nuts, ddDON'T you --- KNOW if I went ---
/ Mike (trying to interrupt): Roger? ... ROGER! / [[Mike grabs Roger by the arm and slaps him in the face.]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, February 26, 2004||[[Meanwhile, back on campus... Mike's dad knocks on his door]] / [[Paul, in full drag and cat ears, answers it. Diana hovers behind him]] / Mike's Dad: Well, HELLOOOO. / Paul: Hiii. / Mike's Dad: Mike still lives here, I hope. / Paul: Oh, YEAH. / Mike's Dad: I hope I'm interrupting something interesting. Can I talk to him? / Paul: Well, not at the moment. See, he... / Diana: [[off-panel]] Paul, shh! / Mike's Dad: [[thinking]] PAUL??? / Paul: [[off-panel]] What? / Diana: [[off-panel]] Don't tell him about the orgy! I don't think Mike would like it if we said too much! / Mike's Dad: [[thinking]] orgy... / Paul: [[off-panel]] All right. / Diana: [[off-panel]] Wait, wait! Don't tell him about the cat, either! / Mike's Dad: [[thinking]] Incoming heart attack...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Marsha and April approach the boys' apartment. April's nose is red]]
/ Marsha: Is that Mike's dad???
/ April: I think he is.
/ Marsha: Why do you think he's here? I hope nothing happened to him.
/ April: <
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Marsha: So they haven't been here at ALL??? And I guess they missed classes today too. Weird. Not that Mike cares that much, but Dave...
/ Diana: I know. I thought Roger was with you guys. I'm getting worried... / Diana: And we were hoping Dave would get his cat so we can go back to our own place...
/ Marsha: Well, I can help with that. I mean, if I can turn Mike into a sweet tame kitten, I can handle ANYTHING. / April: Does she HAVE to rub it in every TEN seconds?
/ April: <
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Diana and Marsha return to Diana's house to rescue the cat. The place has been trashed]]
/ Diana: Oh my.
/ Marsha: Well, I can see Chester was very pissed.
/ Diana: It's a good thing we didn't use to own that much stuff... / Marsha: Oh, here you are!
/ Marsha: Wow, you look so cute when you're grumpy!
/ Chester: <
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Marsha carries Chester back into the apartment]] / April: Right. Well, Margaret's not here. I guess she'll come back when she's ready. / Marsha: *I* think we should go look for her, but maybe I'm just UNUSUALLY loyal to my friends. / April: We'll see. Anyway, I really don't have that much stuff to pack. Then I'll go. / Marsha: I see. You're still moving out, huh? Have a good life. / April: What? After what's happened? How could I stay? / Marsha: You mean, after what you DID? / April: Hum! Yeah, that's what I mean. I don't think you'd want me around anyway. / Marsha: Ooh no. Oooooh NO. I'm NOT kicking you out. What for, so you can feel pity for yourself? "OOOh, look at me, now I'm an OUTCAST. What an evil world!" Not from me sister. / Marsha: You're not even getting THAT from me.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||April: It's not about you. I'm not looking for self-pity. I just have nothing to do here. I want to be alone.
/ Marsha: FINE. Then I'll help you, so you can get your ass out of here as soon as possible.
/ April: I don't need your help.
/ Marsha: So? I want to do it. Try and stop me.
/ April: You're impossible.
/ Marsha: Yeah, whatever. Let's get to work. / [[Both girls asleep on the couch]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, March 4, 2004||[[Flashback: Dave talks to Margaret]] / Dave: Tonight a bull attacked me and I fell off a cliff and almost drowned twice. Then my date landed a flying kick on me. And I'm still here. Don't you see? I'm UNBREAKABLE. / Margaret: You know, I'm starting to think you are. / Dave: Indestructible... heh... / [[Flashback: Dave hugs Margaret's knees]] / Dave: NOOOOO! Don't leave me! / Dave: Stay with me, please! / [[Back to current day. Margaret lies in the forest]] / Margaret: [[thinking]] Do you still dream of him, Dave? / Margaret: [[thinking]] How could I be so BLIND? That's why you couldn't sleep when you were living with me. That's why you wouldn't tell me about your nightmares. / Margaret: [[thinking]] I'm such a stupid idiot. I should have been firmer. I should have been stronger. / Margaret: [[thinking]] What have I done to you? / [[Margaret curls into a ball]] / Margaret: [[thinking]] What have I done to you all?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Flashback. Closeup on two clasped hands]] / Dave: [[off-panel]] I know I promised to call you. I... I just couldn't do it. / Blue: [[off-panel]] Why not? I thought you trusted me. / Dave: [[off-panel]] It's not that. It's SO not that. I guess... I guess I'm starting to care about you. And I'm afraid to hurt you. / [[Still the flashback: Dave and Blue naked, lying in bed]] / Dave: I mean, I'm so confused. And... I can imagine it's very hard for you. You know, to hear me talking about Margaret all the time... / Blue: Love requires a certain amount of selfishness, Dave. / Blue: It's not about what you want, but what you need. The day you need me enough to not be afraid... / [[Present. Dave comes to, lying on the sub's seat]] / Dave: [[thinking]] That will be the day you'll really love me. / [[Roger in werecoyote form leaning over Dave.]] / Roger: Dammit, you woke up! Mmh. Okay. Uh, bite on this... / Dave: I did NOT wake up from a dream with a naked girl to hear those three words.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Saturday, March 6, 2004||[[Roger, in werecoyote form, extracts Dave's bullet]]
/ Dave: oouGGHH!!!
/ Roger: Sorry. Can't be helped, tho.
/ Dave: GGH! Hhhn...
/ Roger: Almost done here. I'll just clean it with alcohol and patch you up.
/ Dave: AGHGOGOL??? Hou hodda dee HUGGING HIGGING GHEEEE!!! / Roger: Well, you're set. Not that I did a lot. It's a messy wound, but the bullet passed between your side and your arm. I think you might have a cracked, perhaps broken rib.
/ Roger: Still, you were lucky. It could have been your lung.
|College Roomies from Hell!!!||[[Inside the underwater base at Dundun Island. Dave lying on the sub's seat. Roger in were-coyote form, covered with blood.]] / Dave: Where's Mike? / Roger: He went on by himself to look for a way out. He said he'd be back. Honestly, I don't have a lot of hope. / Dave: The suicidal idiot. / Roger: Here, have a "Terabite" I found in someone's pocket. / Dave: Oh. Thank you. / Dave: Want a piece? / Roger: Uh? No, thanks. / Dave: Why not? / Roger: I, uh... already ate. / Dave: [[thinking]] 2+2=....????!!! / Dave: OhMYGOD. / Roger: What? / Dave: You ate Mike??? / Roger: DID NOT! / Dave: YOU DID. / Roger: Chewing and spitting out does NOT count as EATING!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, March 8, 2004||[[Dave recovers, Roger guards him as only a werecoyote can]] / Roger: Dave, don't be RIDICULOUS. I didn't eat Mike. / Dave: Prove it. / Roger: What? I can't prove it! / Dave: Tell me, does he know we're here? / Roger: Well, no. / Dave: How is he gonna find us, then? / Roger: That's... a good question. / Dave: Mike would spot such a flaw in a plan immediately! / Roger: Uh... well, I... Ah, dammit. / Dave: How could you??? / [[Roger leans over Dave and glares down at him]] / Roger: How could I? It's SIMPLE. I never liked the guy. He pushed me off the edge. He didn't give a damn. / Roger: And FYI, he tasted like sushi. / Roger: So you eat that damn candy bar NOW, because you're too skinny and I don't plan on going on a diet really soon. / Dave: All right, so you didn't eat Mike. / Roger: Yeah, thank you for your unconditional trust. / Dave: I'm sorry. Carnage makes me paranoid. / Roger: As long as it doesn't make you squooshy...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Mike explores the underwater island complex. He is wearing a guard's uniform. He stands beneath a wall map, complete with "You are here" marker]] / Mike: [[thinking]] Well, neat. At least I'm only half-lost now... / [[Two guards approach]] / Guard A: And last I heard, everybody was resting in pieces. I still can't understand how it happened, and if Brazil... / [[Mike points a gun at the guards]] / Mike: Identify yourselves, gentlemen. / Guard B: Wha? / Mike: Didn't you hear? The guys who escaped stole some uniforms. / Guard A: Uh... / Mike: We can't risk more people dying. / Mike: NO ONE is to be trusted.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, March 10, 2004||[[Mike, dressed as a guard, holds a gun on two real guards]] / Guard B: And who are YOU? I don't think I have seen you before... / Mike: Of course not. I'm a section D guy. Just call me Hawaii. / Guard B: Hawaii is taken? Awww. / Guard A: If you're section D, what are you doing here? / Mike: What are you doing here, WHAT? / Guard A: Uh, sir. / Mike: That's BETTER. / Mike: Think REALLY hard. You obviously have a Section D problem, and apparently Brazil is incompetent to solve it. Damascus sent me to take his place and solve the crisis before the fat lady sings. / Guard B: Brazil is going down??? CRAP! / Guard A: Why weren't we notified? / Mike: Are you not listening? Those guys have uniforms and RADIOS. We can't let them know we're onto them. / Mike: Also, we need to take Brazil to see Damascus. He might try to do something if he gets scared. / Guard A: Double crap! / Mike: Double EVERYTHING. So, get your guns ready and walk in front of me.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, March 11, 2004||[[Long shot of the mini-sub]] / Dave: [[off-panel]] Mike's back. / Roger: [[off-panel]] Huh? / Dave: [[off-panel]] He's back. Back to himself, I mean. / Roger: [[off-panel]] Ah, yeah. / Dave: [[off-panel]] Thank God. / Roger: [[off-panel]] Well, he's back to nasty. So why are you glad? / Dave: [[off-panel]] Because yeah, I'd like him better if he was nicer. But not like this. / [[Inside the mini-sub. Roger is still a werecoyote]] / Dave: I mean... I'm glad it was not brain damage. I'd feel really bad. / Roger: It wasn't your fault. / Dave: Yeah, it was. Because I... hesitated. If it wasn't for you... well. I guess *I* am the coward. / Roger: You panicked. It's normal. / Dave: Margaret once told me I was one of the bravest guys she ever met. Just another lie. / Dave: Anyway, I just wanted to apologize. For calling you a coward, you know. / Dave: Especially now that I've seen why you were so afraid.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, March 12, 2004||[[Mike, dressed as a guard, has been led to the nerve center of Section B. Here, we see Brazil ordering more guards about]] / Brazil: Yeah, I want every inch of this section covered. They don't have a lot of places to hide, so... / Guard A: Brazil? Sir? / Brazil: What is it NOW? Don't you see I'm busy here? / Mike: I'll take it from here, Palmer, thanks. / Mike: I am Hawaii. I'm taking over this operation. / Brazil: WHAT? / Mike: If you have any complaints or comments, you can address them to Damascus yourself. He wants to have a little chat with you about your incompetence. / Brazil: Incompetence??? I'm solving this crisis as fast as I can! / Mike: Not fast enough, unfortunately. It's a very bad day for just trying. / Brazil: I am NOT incompetent. These are extraordinary circumstances... / Mike: Where were you while your staff was getting torn into infinitesimal pieces? / Brazil: I was unconscious. One of the prisoners nearly blew my hand off and knocked me out. But I managed to shoot him in the back. / Mike: Why wasn't he properly handcuffed? / Brazil: He was. / Mike: [[smirking]] So, Brazil. An agonizing, handcuffed guy managed to blow your hand off and knock you out. But you're not incompetent. / Brazil: Uh... yeah. I mean, no. He had this... / Mike: I'm sure Damascus will be very understanding when he hears your side of the story. / Brazil: Well, if only... / Mike: Do we do this the easy way, or do I need to arrest you?|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||Dave: Roger... / Roger: Don't say anything. Please. / Dave: It was self-defense. / Roger: It's not self-defense if it felt GOOD. / Dave: They were torturing you. Anybody would go nuts. / Roger: I have never been saner. That's why most of the time I ACT nuts. / Roger: Being sane is too painful and scary. I don't WANT to be this. / Dave: Um. / Roger: Don't say anything. You don't understand. / Dave: I understand it, at least a little bit. Because I...eh. I think I killed someone too. / Roger: It's different. You're not a monster inside. / Dave: Everybody is a monster inside, Roger. Put anybody in a life or death situation. We all turn into animals. / Roger: How is that supposed to make me feel better? / Dave: We're not supposed to feel better. / Dave: But I think that's still better than being dead and not feeling anything at ALL.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, March 16, 2004||[[Mike, wearing a guard's uniform, leads Brazil off to answer to Damascus. Brazil enters the keycode to open to door]] / Mike: Hey, don't get mad at me. I'm only following orders. If it was up to me, you'd get another chance... / Brazil: Spare me your frigging good intentions. / Mike: Besides, perhaps I'm not taking your place. Perhaps Damascus just needs you to do something else right now. / Brazil: Listen up, Hawaii. I'm not taking any of that condescending crap from you. / Brazil: [[turning and waving a finger under Mike's nose]] I'm not finished yet. Maybe Damascus will shoot me in the head, and maybe he'll put YOU under my orders. In any case, if you're worried I might panic and kill you to get away... / Brazil: I have worked too hard in this project to just throw everything overboard. So your ass is safe. For now. / Mike: [[thinking]] Yikes! I have to admit that possibility didn't even flutter past me...|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Wednesday, March 17, 2004||[[Mike, in a guard's uniform, prods Brazil at gunpoint toward Damascus]]
/ Mike: [[thinking]] Certainly that was an important thing to miss... But everything's happening very FAST. I can barely keep up. Anyway... I'm doing pretty good, considering...
/ Mike: [[thinking]] Now, I have to be extremely focused, because from now on, the situation becomes highly unpredictable and... / [[The walls of the corridor are actually glass, looking out onto an acuarium tank. Suddenly, a shark flows up against the glass, startling Mike]]
/ Mike: AAAH!
/ [[Mike's tentacle flies from his pocket, where is has been safely hidden. Brazil notices both this and Mike's distraction]]
/ Brazil: ???!!! / [[Brazil delivers Mike a straight left, knocking the gun from his hand]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Thursday, March 18, 2004||[[Blue is at school. She answers the telephone]] / Blue: Oh! hi, Pa! / Blue: No, it's okay, I'm between classes! / Blue: Sure, ask away! / Blue: What? Something weird? Uh... / Blue: Well, pa. I thought you knew already. / Blue: No! But why are you freaking out? He's just the same old Mike. With a quirk. / Blue: Dad, it's not his fault. It was just something that happened. He needs our support. / Blue: You're not gonna tell Ma, are you? Right. Okay, love you. Bye.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Friday, March 19, 2004||[[Now Brazil has the gun on Mike. Unfortunately, Mike's tentacle is suckered to the glass wall]] / Brazil: Well, start walking. You still have to be tortured. But no hard feelings, I'm just following orders. / Mike: Walk, where? In case you hadn't noticed, I'm STUCK. Or why do you think I'm standing here like a moron? / Brazil: You expect me to believe you? Walk or I'm gonna shoot you. / Mike: D-damn. So shoot me, Brazil, but I'm not lying. I am SO very stuck, and I don't think even a... / Mike: Just... / Mike: [[grinning evilly]] Wwwwwaaaaait. / Brazil: I am running out of patience here, kid. / Mike: Well, shoot me. I want to see it. C'mon, I want to see it. / Brazil: I do believe that mental illness of yours will hopefully be cured by death. / Mike: Shoot me, Brazil... it's gonna be a pretty sight, don't you think? / Mike: Blood and glass and water and SHARKS all over the place. I can hardly WAIT.|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Saturday, March 20, 2004||[[Mike is stuck to the glass, but has been detained by Brazil]]
/ Brazil: [[on radio]] Yeah, Hall B-3. With the largest cattleprods you can find.
/ Mike: Heheheh! What a LOSER! How come you're giving orders around here, anyway?
/ Brazil: [[on radio]] Oh, and send one of the surgeons too.
/ Mike: Mommy! Mommy! Help me please!
/ Mike: I can't even arrest a 19 year-old kid with a hand tied behind his back! / [[Brazil smacks Mike in the belly with the gun]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Sunday, March 21, 2004||[[Brazil wraps his hand around Mike's throat and begins smacking his head against the glass wall]]
/ Mike: [[thinking]] crap that HURTS
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Monday, March 22, 2004||[[Mike approaches the prone Brazil, who nurses a bleeding nose]]
/ Mike: Uuugh. You... messed my throat. Bad mistake.
/ Mike: I guess I'll have to let my little blue friend here do the talkin'...
/ [[Mike cracks his tentacle like a whip]]
|College Roomies from Hell!!! for Tuesday, March 23, 2004||[[Mike is underwater (again), this time in a flooded corridor of the Dundun Island complex]] / Mike: [[thinking]] It's totally flooded! I have to get out of here! Where's the...? / Mike: [[thinking]] Oh good God, I forgot about the sharks! / [[Mike swims upward. Sharks frolic beneath him]] / Mike: [[thinking]] Up up UP / [[Mike hauls himself out of the water on a seacock valve wheel. Sharks mill about in the water just under his feet]] / Mike: [[thinking]] EEEEEGH!|
|College Roomies from Hell!!! Archives||[[Mike hauls himself back into the complex. He's in a hall of gantries]]
/ Mike: Gnnff! / [[Mike watches through the glass; sharks frenziedly tear at a cloud of blood]]
/ Mike: [[thinking]] Jesus, look at that! There goes Brazil.
/ Mike: [[thinking]] That... that could have been me!
/ Mike: [[thinking]] What the hell am I doing here? And I'm safe now, yet...
/ Mike: [[thinking]] I... I am scared. Why am I so scared?
/ Mike: <
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60
61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80
81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 >>