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| Mummy | None present will escape my deathly touch! / / See now! / And tremble as I reach out towards you! / / Ooooh, is that your girlfriend? / Mmmmmm. Nice rack.opppss got a little problem with the excitement!!! I seem to have a lump in my throat!!maybe my thraot is not that low.Caption: The first 3-D interactive horror... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1368 |
| Mom and Psychologist | Mother: He methodically forced each piece in the kit through the bottleneck. / Then he told me it was a "Shipwreck in a bottle". / Shrink: Todd's a disturbed boy. We have to try different things... / / Mother: Then he wrote a fifteen-page description of the passengers and crew, and narrated their deaths in... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1369 |
| Guys at Bar | Guy 1: How ya been? / Guy 2: Dude, you don't have the time. / Guy 1: Short version, then. / / Guy 2: Short version? I dunno. / Is there a word that means, "Three hours of bitching to you about how bad my life sucks right now?" / Guy 1: Uh... / / Guy 1: Blogging? / Guy 2: Only if I also showed you ten pictures of my... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1370 |
| Cat Reciting Poetry | Cat in a dress: Have you ever heard William Blake's "The Blossom?" It goes: / Merry, Merry Sparrow! / Under leaves so green / A happy Blossom / Sees you swift as arrow / Seek your cradle narrow / Near my Bosom. / / / / Sparrow (off screen): Fuck off, cat. / I'm not going anywhere near your bosom. / Cat in a dress: Phili... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1371 |
| Man With Martini | Do you know those cartoons in the New Yorker in which an oversophisticated, erudite snot makes a wry observation? / / BEAT PANEL / / I find them too true to be too funny. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1372 |
| Tiger and Bunny | Man in tiger suit: What the hell are you? / Man in bunny suit: I'm "Burglar Bunny." / Man in tiger suit: You were supposed to come as your "spirit animal." / I thought you were taking this seriously. / / Man in bunny suit: You have no idea how serious I took this. I ate peyote and went on a vision quest. / I'm... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1373 |
| Torg and Riff | Torg: OK, I'm here to cheer you up. / Riff: Not happening. / Torg: The plan is: make you think about happy things. / Riff: I've beaten stronger plans. Do your worst. / Torg: Puppies! / Riff: Rabies. / Torg: Balloons! / Riff: The Hindenburg. / / / Torg: Baseball! Hot dogs! Apple pie! Motherhood! / Riff: Chicago Cubs, rat... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1374 |
| Volcano | Man: I do not understand why Pappadayan is so angry. / Perhaps he is demanding a virgin sacrifice... / Woman: Oh, here we go. / / Woman: Save the speech; I'm not in the "Sacrifice Club" anymore. / Man: What? Who? / Woman: Kesuma took me down here last week. / We decided to deny Pappadayan my tasty virgin flesh. / / Man:... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1375 |
| Dad and Son With Homework | Dad: Hey Jake, help me out. How do you beat level nine? / Jake: *sigh* / Go to the underground area and get the scroll from the guy in the shadows. Then hit the evil king with it until he runs away. / / Dad: Cool, thanks. / Jake: Now you gotta tell me something. What was "Watergate?" / / Dad: It was, ehm... / Basically... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1376 |
| Bass Player | Hippie: Life needs mystery, man. / It ain't good to know everything. / / Hippie: I was conceived at Woodstock, right? And mom said my dad was someone famous. But she died without sayin' who. / So I grew up thinkin' I was the bastard son of Steven Stills or Joe Cocker. / / Hippie: Yeah, you don't know disappointment... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1377 |
| Phoenicians | Wife: The fleet arrives home. And with it, my cuckolded husband. / Man: Perhaps not. / Perhaps a sea monster ate him. Or something. / Woman: You're reaching. / Man: You never know. / / Woman: Well, maybe in his many travels, he acquired the quality of mercy. / Man: Can we not give up on "sea monster" just yet? / / Woman:... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1378 |
| King of the Raccoons | Raccoon 1: King, why do we raid trash cans? / Raccoon 2: Yeah. / King Raccoon: Okay, I'll tell ya. I'm actually from the future. / A future in which raccoons rule like gods. / / King Raccoon: I'm here to make sure we find the item that lets us rise up and overthrow humanity. / Raccoon 1: In the garbage? They threw... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1379 |
| Defense Engineers | Engineer 1: You had top secret clearance at Lockheed? / Engineer 2: I can't talk about it. / Engineer 1: Yeah but that's cool. / I mean I picture you as the kind of guy they'd put in a room with $10 million worth of junk and munitions and say "Build us something they won't expect." / / Engineer 1: And then three... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1380 |
| Radiation Suit | Man in radiation suit: It's definitely artificial. I don't wanna say it's a spacecraft, Colonel, but it sure looks like-- / My god... It's opening! / Something's coming out of the top! / / Man in radiation suit: It's a... / nude... woman, sir. / Woman (offscreen): Surprise!! / Hee-hee! / Man in radiation suit: Oh,... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1381 |
| Surveyors | Worker 1: The foreman's lookin' at us. / Worker 2: I know. I can see him through the glass. / / Worker 1: I think he's catching on. / Worker 2: Just keep moving your lips. Say anything. / / Worker 1: Um. Has it occurred to you that "pretending to work" is more actual work than "actual work?" / Worker 2: You gotta... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1382 |
| Sperm | Sperm 1: That's it. Race over. / Sperm 2: I knew it. / Sperm 3: I can't move! / Sperm 4: I'm spent. / Sperm 5: Tell me... Did someone get to the ovum, at least? / / Sperm 1: Yeah, kid. It's all good. / Sperm 5: Th-thanks... / *croak* / / Sperm 2: ... / Aren't we in a butt? / Sperm 1: I didn't have the heart. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1383 |
| Men With Beards | Bearded man #1: I had this waitress at Houlihan's last night. She was so sweet and friendly, at first. / But she kept making these little mistakes. / Now, you know me. I'm a perfectionist. / Bearded man #2: No! / / Bearded man #1: Bite me. / It really bugged me, you know? / I kept saying it was okay, but we... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1384 |
| Ventriloquist | Benjamin: What's on your mind, Clancey? / Clancey: Been thinkin' about the act. / Benjamin: Oh? What about it? / Clancey: This act... It depends on the illusion that we're separate people. That you don't have a godlike control over my words and actions, right? / / Benjamin: Why, Clancey. I don't know what... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1385 |
| RV | Driver: Hey Ginny? / Ginny: What? / Driver: I'm gonna get on the cb and ask some truckers about the traffic ahead. / Ginny: Okay, you do that. / / Ginny: Meanwhile, I'll be lookin' at realtime internet traffic cams from d.o.t. on my phone. / Say hi to 1978 for me, good buddy! / You goddamn fossil. / / Driver: *ahem* / Okay,... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1386 |
| Construction Dig | Worker 1: This feels like a joke. It's been buried there since the thirties? / Worker 2: What if it's treasure? Stocks or something? / Worker 3: I'm opening it. / / Worker 1: Ew. / Worker 2: A lunchbox. Figures. / Worker 3: Yeah. Just a 70-year old sauerkraut sandwich. / Worker 2: Still think it's a joke? / Worker... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1387 |
| Ordering Soda | Waitress: Can I get you something to drink? / Wife: Two cokes. / Waitress: Pepsi okay? / Husband: NO! / / Husband: Pepsi is the ichor that flows through Satan's unholy veins! I'd sooner drink the seepage from under your- / Wife: Chuck! Cool it. / / Waitress: Um... Sorry? / Wife: He fought in the cola wars. He still... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1388 |
| Pet Human | Alien 1: So that's where we found him, in the starhopper, nine parsecs from home, scared and hungry. / How he got the launch codes I'll never figure out. / Alien 2: I told you: humans are too clever to keep as pets. He'd be much happier at the zoo. / / Alien 1: Oh, no. I could never give him up. / Alien 2: But... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1389 |
| Lifeguard Tower | Guy 1: ...So, he turned in a poem he wrote about his girlfriend's ass. / "Ode to Tina's Trunk." / Poet: We were supposed to write about something that inspires us. / Guy 2: What did you get on it? / Poet: F, of course. / / Guy 1: Tell him what Tina said. / Poet: She called it "derivative." / Guy 2: Derivative. ...Of... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1390 |
| Monkey Day 2005 | Gorilla: I hear a lot of scientists guys complain that they can't get a date, because most other scientists are men. / I'd just like to point out that primatology is one discipline which has been dominated by female researchers. / / Gorilla: So. / Maybe monkeys are giving them something that you can't. / / http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1391 |
| Stagecoach | Driver: What's wrong? / Man with gun: I sense... a song. / Driver: A song! / I thought they only came out at night. Attracted to campfires. / / Man with gun: No. They can hit you anytime. Only the don't usually come during a travel cut. Unless... / Driver: What? / Man with gun: Did our passenger seem to you like... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1392 |
| Girl and Doll | Girl: I wish you could still talk like you used to, dolly. / Mommy says to use my imagination. But that doesn't work. / / Girl: I wish you could talk just one more time. / Maybe just to say "I love you." / / Girl: Or... you know. Tell me where she hid the paint thinner. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1393 |