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| Milking Cow | Cow: We never talk any more, Bradley. / Bradley? / Bradley: You know I'm not supposed to acknowledge you. / / Cow: That's got to be frustrating. Why don't you just quit dairy farming? / Bradley: Because. It's my area of special focus. / It's like in "A Beautiful Mind." Only instead of numbers, my mind works miracles... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1335 |
| Waitress and Patron | Waitress: The usual, professor? / Professor: Actually, could I see a menu? / Waitress: Psh. I thought you had it memorized by now. / / Professor: Yeah but I can't remember if there's anything on it right for a guy whose wife left him. / Waitress: You're kidding. / Professor: Wish I was. / / Waitress: Then I'll tell... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1336 |
| Comedian | Comedian: My last girlfriend was this muscular blonde woman, built like a Viking princess. Beautiful. / She had an enormous plug-in vibrator with bad wiring, that threw off sparks.She called it "Mjollnir" / / Comedian: *Sigh* / C'mon people, read your Norse mythology. That joke killed 'em at U of M. / / Heckler:... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1337 |
| The Massage | Juana, did you ever have a really tough stain to clean? / Well, yes. Once, the death squads came and killed my uncle. Our house had one room, and it was covered in blood. / / Oh. / / Well how did you get that out? Cause I've got a merlot stain on our white divan. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1338 |
| Restaurant Letter | Man writing a letter: Dear Donna, / As part of my addiction recovery, I am required to take responsibility for my mistakes, and apologize to the people I have hurt. / I betrayed your trust and I am sorry. / / Man writing a letter: We both know what you told me. But I admit, I wasn't listening when you said,... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1339 |
| Mom and Son Gardening | Son: Dig. / Mom: Your son is trying to dig a hole with a watering can. / Another sign of genius? / / Dad (offscreen): Absolutely. It wasn't until the 1800s that man discovered the power of water for digging a hole. / Now, hydro mining is an advanced technique, used mainly in coal extraction. / Mom: How englightened. / / Mom:... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1340 |
| Tortoises | Dad: You're lucky you were born a tortoise, son. Tortoises are the best animal on Earth. / Son: How do you know that if you've never been anything else? / What if it's better to be, like, a pelican or something? / / Dad: I can't believe my son is anti-tortoise. / Son: I'm not! I'm just saying, "How do you know... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1341 |
| Gyrocopter | Narrator: He had an intuitive insight into processes at work, which had made him a fortune in the dot com boom. It had allowed him to retire at 33. / / Narrator: And so it was, just seconds before he pancaked into a lacrosse field, that Jeremy suddenly understood why men like him were naturally drawn into... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1342 |
| Ducks | Did you hear what happened to hot dawg? / Hunter got him / Yeah, but did you hear how? / No. / / He was swimming up to this beautiful female, right? Then, BAM!! A shot ouf of nowhere / Turns out she was fake. A Decoy / Holy Shit! / / That's right. The hunters look like us now. / We can't trust anyone. Not even Commander... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1343 |
| Farmer Dad and Son | Dad: Son, you know it's been a hard year for us, and I... well, I couldn't afford nothin' for your birthday. / Son: Oh. That's okay, dad. / Dad: No it ain't. But we're gonna do what my old man and I did when times was tough. / Fer your present... you can hit me. / / Son: What? No. / Dad: Yeah just punch me in the... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1344 |
| Dinosaur Mom | Mother: You can't just decide that killing is barbaric and become a vegetarian. / I mean, everything you've eaten has been something I killed for you. / Child: Mom? I forgive you. / / Mother: That's very magnanimous. / Look, you're a carnivore, so you don't have a choice. You kill, or you don't survive. / Child:... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1346 |
| Researchers | RESEARCHER 1: I need to know if patient 81 is in the control group. If so, I want her moved. / RESEARCHER 2: You have a compelling reason for violating the double blind? / RESEARCHER 1: I want to ask her out. / / RESEARCHER 2: Oh, charming. / RESEARCHER 1: Look, if this antipsychotic is as good as we think,... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1347 |
| Board Meeting | NARRATOR: When the board calls a meeting to discuss your future, you could assume the worst. / MAN 1: Dave, you know we think highly of you. / MAN 2: Very highly. / MAN 3: Yes. But y'know, in this firm... at the top of things, there's a certain... commonallity of beliefs. / / MAN 1: *AHEM* Yes. We need to... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1349 |
| Couple Studying | Man: So, a "tautology" is a statement which is inherently true, and a "contradiction" is a statement which is inherenetly false. And a "paradox" is neither. / Woman: Uh huh. / Man: Well, I think I've developed a new class of logical statements. / / Woman: Go you. / Man: No seriously. What about statements... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1350 |
| Train Robbery | BANDIT 1: Why ain't he stoppin'? / BANDIT 2: I think ya killed him! / BANDIT 1: It was a warning shot! / BANDIT 2: "Warning: pearly gates ahead." / BANDIT 1: What the hell do we do now? / / BANDIT 2: Break off! Let her derail. Follow the tracks to the crash site and rob it there. / BANDIT 1: We can't let those... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1351 |
| Farmhouse | I bet in a hundred years, there won't be any farms. None on the whole planet. / Why? Climate change? / No, nanotechnology. / / We'll have these trillions of little microscopic machines, that can assemble whatever we want out of raw elements. / Food. Clothes... anything you can grow or manufacture, these things'll... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1353 |
| Resignation Letter | Time to decide. The polite and professional letter of resignation, full of meaningless platitudes? / Or you. / / The bridge-burning, acide-spewing, name-calling bashfest, full of multisyllabic invective, and spiced with quotes from Melville, Dante, and Andrew Dice Clay? / / Eh. / Fuck it. / It'd be a shame to... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1354 |
| Reading X-Ray | DOCTOR 1: Wow. Yeah, that is a tough read. I mean, do you operate or not? / DOCTOR 2: I know! / DOCTOR 1: Definitely a tomor, certainly malignant... / / BEAT PANEL / / DOCTOR 1: But you're right, it looks exactly like the virgin Mary. / DOCTOR 2: Thank you! http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1355 |
| Stock Broker | CLIENT: WEEEEEE / CARVAHLO: Actually? I'm psychic. / It's my darkest secret. / CLIENT: Ha! Well... why tell me then? / / CARVAHLO: Because my psychic powers tell me that you will soon be tragically shot to death by an intruder in your home. / CLIENT: Um... really? / / CARVAHLO: No. But that seems to happen with... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1356 |
| Paper Boy | I'm starting junior high, and my dad asked me what my "goals" are. / He always wants me to be honest. So I told him, "Dad, I wanna touch a boob." / / I thought he'd get mad, but he just said "You picked an expensive hobby. Better get a paper route or something. / And he gave me this wierd smile. / / I think... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1357 |
| Dorm Room | STUDENT 1: You gonna go see the Pot March?STUDENT 2: What's a "Pot March"?STUDENT 1: The potheads are gonna march to legalize marijuana.STUDENT 2: They can get that organized?STUDENT 1: Apparently / / STUDENT 2: Do they actually march? Like, in step? STUDENT 1: I don't think so. I think they just chant... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1358 |
| Empty Nightclub | COMIC: Entertainment is about evoking a response. Make the audience cry, or get angry, or laugh, or... / Not laugh. / MANAGER: You can make somebody "not laugh?" / COMIC: Sure. I once made a guy not laugh so hard? Milk shot right up his nose. / / BEAT PANEL / / COMIC: And see? I just did it to you. / MANAGER:... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1359 |
| Adventurers | LADY: You continue to impress me with your mastery of impossible tasks, mercenary. / Mercenary: Nothing's impossible, m'lady. / Lady: Hah. So what do you plan to do with your commission when the caravan arrives? / Mercenary: Drink it. / / Lady: Trying to forget someone? / Mercenary: Of course. / Lady: That never... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1360 |
| Chibi Figures | Narrator: Although it was taken as fantasy at the time, astrophysicists of the 22nd century discovered that the basic principles of Japanese animation and manga actually made advanced starships possible. / Crew Member: Looks like we've been ordered to the Beta Carotene system. / Tentacle Beast: That's what... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1361 |
| Hell | Devil: You know Danielle Minton, your high school crush? / Tortured Soul: Yeah? / Devil: And you remember Bernard Mossbeck, the schoolyard bully you never stood up to? / Tortured Soul: Yeah? / / Devil: They're married. / / Devil: So. / You all right to torment yourself for a little bit? / My relief is late and I gotta... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1362 |
| Pirate Story | / / / / http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1363 |
| Alien and Caveman | Alien: So that's civilization in a nutshell. Starts with planting, leads to lots of other great things. / Caveman: We get bigger spears? / Alien: Sure! Eventually you'll make spears as big as trees. You can throw them around the world, and kill a million antelope in one second / / Caveman: How do you hunt with... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1364 |
| Penguin Mascot | I can't hit the other mascot with a real fish. I'm vegan! / Oh, fer... / Do it or you lose the gig. / An animal has to die for a humor skit? A rubber fish would be just as funny. / / No, it wouldn't / Look, Monty Python's "Fish Slapping Dance" wouldn't be half as funny with a fake fish, would it? Am I right? / How... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1365 |
| Breakfast Table | Ask me a Jeopardy question. / What? Why? / They're having tryouts. I wanna study. / You're high. / I'm serious! / / Okay, fine. .This daytime television classic has been hosted by Bob Barker for more than thirty years!. / Boop!! What is, .The Price is Right?. / / All right, so you're qualified to be on it. / Thank you. / You... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1366 |
| Witness Stand | -Look, if they wanted a dog which sniffed explosives, they should have sent me an invoice for an "explosive-hyphen-sniffing-space-dog." / What they requested in writing was an "explosive-space-sniffing-hyphen-dog." / -So you bombed the FBI over a punctuation rule? You compromised national security... / / -What... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1367 |