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| Williamsburg Tourists | OK, say cheese... / Oh wait! Did they have cheese in your day, General Washington? / Yes, citizen. Cheese is not a new invention. / Take the picture, sweetheart. / / OK. What kind of cheese did they have back then? I wouldn't want to you say an anachronistic cheese. / I'm not sure I recall... / Hank, just take the... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1035 |
| French Waiter | So would you recommend the boeuf bourgignon, Luc? / Certainly not, monsieur. It is an atrocity tonight. / Is he serious? / / The boeuf bourgignon is a travesty. No, a crime against humanity. I will stand on your table naked and sing your national anthem before I will serve you that. / Luc takes his recommendations... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1036 |
| Tennis Players | so i never heard the details about your injury. / oh... sheesh, it's embarassing. you know those gigantic checks you give to charities? / / yes? / well, i was presenting one of those and - i didn't even know this was possible. i gave myself a gigantic paper cut right across the wrist. they told me i lost... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1037 |
| Buying Plants | Woman: Sir, you seem to know a lot about plants. Could I ask you something? / Man: Ok, shoot. / / Woman: Suppose you had a body buried in your garden. If you wanted it to decompose as quickly as possible, would you plant something like these over top of it? / Man: Hm. That depends...are we talking about a human... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1038 |
| Lawn Gnomes | The garden gnomes send yet another ambassador to dave... / We don't understand you. We've alread granted you wealth and physical beauty, but every Saturday you still mow us down remorselessly! / Why don't you just leave my yard? / / My people have lived here for thousands of years! This was a sacred glade until... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1039 |
| Birthday Party Girl | Why is Missy crying? / She said her wish out loud, and now it can't come true. / Just make a different wish, Missy. / But it's the only thing I wanted! / *sob* / / Well you can't change the laws of wishes. Wish for a new bike or something. / Wish for a pet triceratops! / You have to pick something before the candles... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1040 |
| Rodeo Clowns | OK, Slim. This is your last day with the stuffed bull. Tomorow it's gonna be a real live one, okay? / I'll be honest with you; you're right on the edge. Now show me how you bait this bull. / Um, OK. Hey bull! Your, uh, your mother's... on special at Safeway! / / Good God, Slim. How'd you ever end up in rodeo... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1041 |
| Kayaking | Why are we doing this, Sarge? It's stupid. Are we ever gonna attack an enemy by kayak? / Could be. The Australians did it. / / They did? / Yeah. / In 1943, an Australian special forces unit of two-man kayaks sneaked into Singapore Harbor and blew up seven loaded Japanese cargo ships. / / Huh. / So, tomorrow when... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1042 |
| Snowmobile | Two hours out here and he's still hotdogging. I can't see the gas gauge. I wonder how much we have left? / Hugging the frozen terrain of Hoth, Skywalker leads his squadron on a daring sneak attack against the Imperial AT-AT walkers... / / If we flipped over this far from the lodge, I wonder how long it would... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1043 |
| Sugar Cookies | I can't believe you're really going to fly your experimental planeOh ick, Peter. / I was going to ask for the recipe for those sugar cookies you make at Christmas. / Well, you're partway there... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1044 |
| Hercules | People of Paros, you have angered me sorely! Now feel my wrath! / Yeah. That's great, Hercules, only this is Mysia, not Paros. Have another cask of wine. / / Mysia...? / Is that you, Lycus? / Yeah, it's me, you drunk ox. Put down the big huge rock while I still have half a kingdom left. / Oh. Oh. Oh man. / Oh I... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1045 |
| Japanese Puppeteer | Well that was just wonderful. / All right, does anyone have a question for Mr. Nakatani or Princess Tokuko? / Oooh! Me! / I call on the spherical boy in the first row. / / Mr. Nakatani, I asked my school to invite you. I'm only thirteen, but I already mastered origami, the Japanese art of paper folding, and... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1046 |
| Dentist | Dentist: Okay, Don't move or swallow.The end of the scraper came off and it's laying across your windpipe. / / Dentist: Is it "laying?" or "Lying?" I always forget.Don't answer that. / / Dentist: Allright, just stay calm for a moment.I have a copy of "The Elements of Style" in my office bookcase. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1050 |
| Cowboy Letter | Dear Ma, / Thanks for the nice birthday card, I got it pinned to my saddle horn. / Things has been quiet on this drive, except for last week, when Whitey and Buck got to arguing about who was the toughest. / / They started a contest where they squared off and hit each other with live rattlers. / I went and saw... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1051 |
| Ski Lift | Man: Ariel, do you remember when we met? I didn't even believe that mermaids really existed, and yet there you were, saving me from drowning. / / Man: Over the years, I've come to love you more than I ever thought possible. It melts my heart to think of all of the sacrifices you've made for me - Becoming... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1052 |
| Screaming Woman | Woman: This is the last time you stand me up, God dammit! / / Woman: I'm sick of being a convenient little whore you just use for sex, while you come and go as you please! / / Woman: I mean, for God's sake, Brenda! Do you have any idea how hard it is being your parole officer? / Now untie me!! http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1054 |
| Present for Daddy | arget='_blank'>Link Girl: This is my daddy. I have a present for him, but he's sleeping right now. / / Girl: It's a sparrow I found in a rain gutter. It's kinda drippy, but I'll just leave it on his lap for when he wakes up. / / Dad: You do, and you'll find it in your birthday cake on Saturday. / Girl: Daddy... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1055 |
| Engineers | Woman: So how did you end up designing the world's largest fiberglass taco? / Man: It's partially ceramic, actually. / / Man: Fiberglass lacks the tensile strength to satisfy certain boundary conditions. You have to go with a ceramic matrix composite, as you can see in this oriented plane model I mocked up. / Woman:... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1056 |
| Minstrel | Minstrel: Sing hey nonny nonny, and hi diddle diddle, Robin Hoode was right. / If thou be rich, verily I am single, / A daye without sunshine is like... night. / / Minstrel: Eve was framed, mean people sucketh. / Laugh thou not, it is payd for. / Mine other horse be a thoroughbred. / One mead, two mead, three mead,... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1057 |
| Women on Beach | Woman 2: I kind of feel guilty "celebrating" the divorce like this. A part of me still feels like Alan wasn't so bad, and we could still have worked things out. / Woman 1: Oh, honey... / / Woman 1: You and I both know it was hopeless. / Woman 2: I know. It's just so strange that all the shouting is over and... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1058 |
| Exploded Factory | Man: I got a call from the Guinness people, Art.They said they were sorry to inform me that the destruction of my factory was only the second largest yarn-related explosion in history. / / Man: Now, I'm not pointing any fingers, but I know that since we were boys you've had a peculiar obsession with making... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1059 |
| Sailboat | Paul: Nope, she's stuck up there. Not gonna budge. / Helen: Paul, quit scaring her. / Boat Owner: Remind me again why you thought bringing a spider monkey on board my boat was a good idea? / / Paul: I don't know. I just pictured myself on the deck, my teeth bared into the breeze, and I thought, "you know what'd... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1060 |
| Spaceman | Ace Steele: Great galaxy, the irony of it all! / Mere moments from destroying Dethazon's fortress and I'm stopped cold by an automatic paralysis ray. I had only to push the button! / / Ace Steele: Oh, space! And Sparky warned me about the paralysis rays, too. / Well, if I can just remain undetected for a few... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1061 |
| Demon of Tooth Decay | The Demon of Tooth Decay appeared to me last night. / He is a four-armed elephant. / In two of his hands, he holds dental instruments of unspeakable cruelty. / / In his third hand, he carries a bowl of Dubble-Bubble, and in his fourth, a tusk he has lost to dental neglect. / Atop his head is a crowned tooth,... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1062 |
| Joggers | Jogger 1: so when is this stuff supposed to kick in?Jogger 2: Any time now.Jogger 3: Well, I don't feel a thing. / I think these health stores make a mint selling unregulated herbal supplements that don't really do anything. / Jogger 2: Oh I agree. / / Jogger 2: That's why I ordered this particular "unregulated... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1063 |
| After the Reunion | Woman: Hey, do you remember Petey Underwood? / Man: "Petey the Mad scientist? How could I forget him? / / Man: He used to swear he'd rule over us all someday. "Tiny, pathetic fools," he called us. Do you remember the time he built that raygun thing that destroyed the bleachers? / Woman: Oh yeah! and he'd yell... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1064 |
| King and Queen | Narrator: On the 6th anniversary of my arrival in the year 1262, I was again dragged from the dungeon, bathed, and brought before the king and queen. / Queen: And how do you fare, future man? / King: Amuse us again with tales from your time. / Narrator: As a linguist, my knowledge of the future was of little... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1065 |
| Umpire and Catcher | Umpire: What's he doing now? / Catcher: Lay off him, man. All pitchers have their rituals. / / [BLANK] / / Umpire: Ritual animal sacrifices? / Catcher: Oh so your real problem is with multiculturalism... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1066 |
| Hawaii | You've been retired for almost a year now, Chuck. Are you ever going to talk to me about what you did in Vietnam? / Aw hell, Margie. I guess I should come clean. / I never went to 'Nam. I spent 1970 in Tijuana, smoking reefer and making porno films. / / I know. / You do? / Yes, I've known for a long time. I was... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1067 |
| Mr. Jeepers | Mr. Jeepers, I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up... a supermodel! / Darn. And I had $50 on theoretical physicist. / / I'm serious! Mom and dad said I could be anything I want if I try hard enough. / Yeah, well. I hate to break it to ya, but you're four pounds heavier than the average supermodel... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1068 |