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| Williamsburg Tourists | OK, say cheese... / Oh wait! Did they have cheese in your day, General Washington? / Yes, citizen. Cheese is not a new invention. / Take the picture, sweetheart. / / OK. What kind of cheese did they have back then? I wouldn't want to you say an anachronistic cheese. / I'm not sure I recall... / Hank, just take the picture. / / I mean, I wouldn't want you to say "Stilton" or "Wensleydale." Those are British cheeses, and you were fighting the British! / Ha! Ha! Ha! / Lady, myOf course not. But that satellite orbits. It's not over Iraq all the time. Sometimes it's over Porter Lake. And when that happens, it's under the control of engineers. Middle-aged, sexually-frustrated engineers. So what do you think happens next? / Hm. You may have a valid theory there. / It came together when I got spam from "voyeurpics.mil..." http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1035 |
| French Waiter | So would you recommend the boeuf bourgignon, Luc? / Certainly not, monsieur. It is an atrocity tonight. / Is he serious? / / The boeuf bourgignon is a travesty. No, a crime against humanity. I will stand on your table naked and sing your national anthem before I will serve you that. / Luc takes his recommendations seriously. It's OK, I'll have the veal. / ... And I'll have the boeuf bourgignon. / / Honey! / I just want to see if he knows all the words. / Very well, madame. I will be back as soon as I can ask the pianist for an A-flat. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1036 |
| Tennis Players | so i never heard the details about your injury. / oh... sheesh, it's embarassing. you know those gigantic checks you give to charities? / / yes? / well, i was presenting one of those and - i didn't even know this was possible. i gave myself a gigantic paper cut right across the wrist. they told me i lost almost three pints of blood. / goodness. / / i'm just glad i was presenting the check to a hospital. i hate to imagine the scene if i'd done that at the special olympics. / and see? it's yet another problem the poor don't have. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1037 |
| Buying Plants | Woman: Sir, you seem to know a lot about plants. Could I ask you something? / Man: Ok, shoot. / / Woman: Suppose you had a body buried in your garden. If you wanted it to decompose as quickly as possible, would you plant something like these over top of it? / Man: Hm. That depends...are we talking about a human body? / / Woman: Well, for the sake of argument, let's say yes. Yes it's a human body. / Man: Oh well, I can't say, really. But I can tell you this: I never thought the most annoying part of having my wife go missing would be how everyone in town thinks they're Angela Effing Lansbury. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1038 |
| Lawn Gnomes | The garden gnomes send yet another ambassador to dave... / We don't understand you. We've alread granted you wealth and physical beauty, but every Saturday you still mow us down remorselessly! / Why don't you just leave my yard? / / My people have lived here for thousands of years! This was a sacred glade until those bulldozers came and turned it into a housing development. / Please, just tell us; what do you want to go away and let this place return to nature? / I want for this to be the most well-manicured and landscaped property in the neighborhood. / / There are treatments for obsessive-compulsive disorder, Dave!!! / There are treatments for garden pests. Stand right there. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1039 |
| Birthday Party Girl | Why is Missy crying? / She said her wish out loud, and now it can't come true. / Just make a different wish, Missy. / But it's the only thing I wanted! / *sob* / / Well you can't change the laws of wishes. Wish for a new bike or something. / Wish for a pet triceratops! / You have to pick something before the candles burn down and you don't even get a wish. / / Besides, I think it was mean to wish that all the kids who didn't show up to your party would catch on fire. / Yeah. / *sob* / Look on the bright side, Missy. Maybe that's why they didn't show up. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1040 |
| Rodeo Clowns | OK, Slim. This is your last day with the stuffed bull. Tomorow it's gonna be a real live one, okay? / I'll be honest with you; you're right on the edge. Now show me how you bait this bull. / Um, OK. Hey bull! Your, uh, your mother's... on special at Safeway! / / Good God, Slim. How'd you ever end up in rodeo clown school? / I flunked out of Stanford law. / Yeah, we do see a lot of that. And what areyou gonna do if you flunk you of here? / / Well, I'm thinking of starting a comic strip... / You're in an ugly downward spiral, son. Pull up. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1041 |
| Kayaking | Why are we doing this, Sarge? It's stupid. Are we ever gonna attack an enemy by kayak? / Could be. The Australians did it. / / They did? / Yeah. / In 1943, an Australian special forces unit of two-man kayaks sneaked into Singapore Harbor and blew up seven loaded Japanese cargo ships. / / Huh. / So, tomorrow when we're training to attack on those red tricycles... / You mean like the Balinese did against the Dutch in 1906? You'll do it, soldier... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1042 |
| Snowmobile | Two hours out here and he's still hotdogging. I can't see the gas gauge. I wonder how much we have left? / Hugging the frozen terrain of Hoth, Skywalker leads his squadron on a daring sneak attack against the Imperial AT-AT walkers... / / If we flipped over this far from the lodge, I wonder how long it would be before they even looked for us? / His wingtip clips a snowdrift, but his faithful droid quickly initiates repairs. / / I wonder if he ever thinks of these things? I wonder if he ever remembers I'm back here? / I wonder if she'd be pissed if she knew that I think of her as my R2-D2? http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1043 |
| Sugar Cookies | I can't believe you're really going to fly your experimental planeOh ick, Peter. / I was going to ask for the recipe for those sugar cookies you make at Christmas. / Well, you're partway there... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1044 |
| Hercules | People of Paros, you have angered me sorely! Now feel my wrath! / Yeah. That's great, Hercules, only this is Mysia, not Paros. Have another cask of wine. / / Mysia...? / Is that you, Lycus? / Yeah, it's me, you drunk ox. Put down the big huge rock while I still have half a kingdom left. / Oh. Oh. Oh man. / Oh I am so, so, so, soooooo sorry... / / It's all right. Just put away the rock now. / Aw, Lycus. / You are just... my best friend, do you know that? I love you, man! / Okay, don't go down that road again, either. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1045 |
| Japanese Puppeteer | Well that was just wonderful. / All right, does anyone have a question for Mr. Nakatani or Princess Tokuko? / Oooh! Me! / I call on the spherical boy in the first row. / / Mr. Nakatani, I asked my school to invite you. I'm only thirteen, but I already mastered origami, the Japanese art of paper folding, and ikebana, the art of flower arranging. / How can I learn more about bunraku, the Japanese art of puppet theatre? / *gasp* Ara sanbai-otaku! / / What does that mean? / The princess says that if you were to learn bunraku, you would complete your otaku-sanbai, or "trifecta of social hopelessness." You should not attempt this. It would be like a dorkwad hat-trick. / If you must learn a subtle art perfected by the Japanese, try "Shortstop," poindexter. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1046 |
| Dentist | Dentist: Okay, Don't move or swallow.The end of the scraper came off and it's laying across your windpipe. / / Dentist: Is it "laying?" or "Lying?" I always forget.Don't answer that. / / Dentist: Allright, just stay calm for a moment.I have a copy of "The Elements of Style" in my office bookcase. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1050 |
| Cowboy Letter | Dear Ma, / Thanks for the nice birthday card, I got it pinned to my saddle horn. / Things has been quiet on this drive, except for last week, when Whitey and Buck got to arguing about who was the toughest. / / They started a contest where they squared off and hit each other with live rattlers. / I went and saw them today at Tucson general. / Buck was saying how Whitey only won cause he found a longer snake, so they broke their iv bottles and squared off again. I didn't know what to do with them two. / / I figured, when you got animals act that way, you cut their nuts off. So I asked the doc about it. / He said they'd have to sign a form. / Well you know how you can get Whitey and Buck to do most anything just by daring them to. Problem solved. / All my love, / Junior http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1051 |
| Ski Lift | Man: Ariel, do you remember when we met? I didn't even believe that mermaids really existed, and yet there you were, saving me from drowning. / / Man: Over the years, I've come to love you more than I ever thought possible. It melts my heart to think of all of the sacrifices you've made for me - Becoming human, losing your voice, standing up to your father, Triton... / / Woman: Okay Mister, you're weirding me out. We met when you called my service and asked for "a young redhead, slight build, for a travel weekend."Man: Indeed. And for $7800 they could've found me one with an imagination. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1052 |
| Screaming Woman | Woman: This is the last time you stand me up, God dammit! / / Woman: I'm sick of being a convenient little whore you just use for sex, while you come and go as you please! / / Woman: I mean, for God's sake, Brenda! Do you have any idea how hard it is being your parole officer? / Now untie me!! http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1054 |
| Present for Daddy | arget='_blank'>Link Girl: This is my daddy. I have a present for him, but he's sleeping right now. / / Girl: It's a sparrow I found in a rain gutter. It's kinda drippy, but I'll just leave it on his lap for when he wakes up. / / Dad: You do, and you'll find it in your birthday cake on Saturday. / Girl: Daddy and I always fight to a tactical stalemate. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1055 |
| Engineers | Woman: So how did you end up designing the world's largest fiberglass taco? / Man: It's partially ceramic, actually. / / Man: Fiberglass lacks the tensile strength to satisfy certain boundary conditions. You have to go with a ceramic matrix composite, as you can see in this oriented plane model I mocked up. / Woman: Oh. / / Woman: Did you ever think you might be wasting your life? / Man: Nihilism lacks the ironic edge you need in a postmodern moral outlook. I go with a Nietzschean Perspectivism, heavily alloyed with mechanistic determinism, and Seagrams 7. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1056 |
| Minstrel | Minstrel: Sing hey nonny nonny, and hi diddle diddle, Robin Hoode was right. / If thou be rich, verily I am single, / A daye without sunshine is like... night. / / Minstrel: Eve was framed, mean people sucketh. / Laugh thou not, it is payd for. / Mine other horse be a thoroughbred. / One mead, two mead, three mead, floor. / / Minstrel: If I singeth too loude, thou be'st too olde. / Better over the hille, than und'r it. / How likest thou mine minstrelsy? / Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1057 |
| Women on Beach | Woman 2: I kind of feel guilty "celebrating" the divorce like this. A part of me still feels like Alan wasn't so bad, and we could still have worked things out. / Woman 1: Oh, honey... / / Woman 1: You and I both know it was hopeless. / Woman 2: I know. It's just so strange that all the shouting is over and here I am lying peacefully in the sunshine. / / Woman 1: So where do you think he is right now? / Woman 2: Being eaten by rats if there's a just God. But realistically? Banging one of his students. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1058 |
| Exploded Factory | Man: I got a call from the Guinness people, Art.They said they were sorry to inform me that the destruction of my factory was only the second largest yarn-related explosion in history. / / Man: Now, I'm not pointing any fingers, but I know that since we were boys you've had a peculiar obsession with making it into that book.And so I asked the gentleman on the phone a question. / / Man: The greatest number of times that any one person has ever been kicked in the ass is an even 175,000.I think you see where I'm leading.Don't tug too hard on those ropes. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1059 |
| Sailboat | Paul: Nope, she's stuck up there. Not gonna budge. / Helen: Paul, quit scaring her. / Boat Owner: Remind me again why you thought bringing a spider monkey on board my boat was a good idea? / / Paul: I don't know. I just pictured myself on the deck, my teeth bared into the breeze, and I thought, "you know what'd complete that picture? A cute little monkey on my shoulder." / Now come on down, girl. / Helen: Paul, she's obviously terrified. Leave her alone and she'll come down when she's ready. / Boat Owner: I'm not sure we can wait that long, Helen. Sunset is in eleven minutes. / / Paul: C'mere Pippy. / C'mere girl. / Helen: Oh, Paul. / Boat Owner: Paul, why don't you get out your Palm and "Ask Jeeves" if spider monkeys can swim. I want to try something. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1060 |
| Spaceman | Ace Steele: Great galaxy, the irony of it all! / Mere moments from destroying Dethazon's fortress and I'm stopped cold by an automatic paralysis ray. I had only to push the button! / / Ace Steele: Oh, space! And Sparky warned me about the paralysis rays, too. / Well, if I can just remain undetected for a few more minutes, the rays will wear off, and I can put an end to the evil fiend once and for all! / / Dethazon: You'll be feeding my Arcturian eels before then, Ace Steele. / Ace Steele: Oh right, you're telepathic. Sparky mentioned that, too. Look, can I call a time out or something? http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1061 |
| Demon of Tooth Decay | The Demon of Tooth Decay appeared to me last night. / He is a four-armed elephant. / In two of his hands, he holds dental instruments of unspeakable cruelty. / / In his third hand, he carries a bowl of Dubble-Bubble, and in his fourth, a tusk he has lost to dental neglect. / Atop his head is a crowned tooth, encrusted with gold, silver and mercury to its hollowed-out roots. / / This dream has been easier to take since my analyst explained that it stems from my mother's dire warnings about dental hygiene. / But it hasn't gone away yet... / Oh well. / At least it wasn't the one about the one-eyed daisy who is God of BB guns. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1062 |
| Joggers | Jogger 1: so when is this stuff supposed to kick in?Jogger 2: Any time now.Jogger 3: Well, I don't feel a thing. / I think these health stores make a mint selling unregulated herbal supplements that don't really do anything. / Jogger 2: Oh I agree. / / Jogger 2: That's why I ordered this particular "unregulated herbal supplement" off the web. It came from an old healer-shaman in a small village in Gabon.Jogger 3: Really? Cool.Jogger 1: Hey, there's that new dry cleaners. / / Jogger 1: ... and it just melted.Jogger 2: Yeah, there are some side effects. / Like right now in my head I can hear Handel's "Messiah" being performed by 1,000 chinchillas. / Jogger 3: Dude, I want the URL of your witch doctor. / The colors... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1063 |
| After the Reunion | Woman: Hey, do you remember Petey Underwood? / Man: "Petey the Mad scientist? How could I forget him? / / Man: He used to swear he'd rule over us all someday. "Tiny, pathetic fools," he called us. Do you remember the time he built that raygun thing that destroyed the bleachers? / Woman: Oh yeah! and he'd yell stuff at us. "Curse you, impudent proles! I'll be master of the world one day, and you shall all pay dearly!" / / Woman: So whatever became of him, anyway? / Man: Oh well, you know. You were going to be a ballerina, I was going to be a rock star. He's teaching high school physics. / But I can't understand why he wasn't at the reunion. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1064 |
| King and Queen | Narrator: On the 6th anniversary of my arrival in the year 1262, I was again dragged from the dungeon, bathed, and brought before the king and queen. / Queen: And how do you fare, future man? / King: Amuse us again with tales from your time. / Narrator: As a linguist, my knowledge of the future was of little use. I did not know the formula for gunpowder, or even how to build a steam engine... / / Narrator: This time, though, I was certain I had thought of a modern concept that could benefit the king. I told them everything about "pyramid schemes." / Queen: So those at the bottom work hardest... / King: While the few at the top acquire great wealth without effort! / Narrator: I was certain the idea could bring the king great fortune, for which he would gratefully grant me my freedom. / / Narrator: Only I overlooked one detail. / Queen: Do we not already do this? / King: Yes, dear man. You seem to have quite accurately described the feudal system! / Narrator: In the seventh year, I befriended a rat. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1065 |
| Umpire and Catcher | Umpire: What's he doing now? / Catcher: Lay off him, man. All pitchers have their rituals. / / [BLANK] / / Umpire: Ritual animal sacrifices? / Catcher: Oh so your real problem is with multiculturalism... http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1066 |
| Hawaii | You've been retired for almost a year now, Chuck. Are you ever going to talk to me about what you did in Vietnam? / Aw hell, Margie. I guess I should come clean. / I never went to 'Nam. I spent 1970 in Tijuana, smoking reefer and making porno films. / / I know. / You do? / Yes, I've known for a long time. I was just waiting for the day when you'd tell me yourself. / / Really? Wow. I-I don't know what to say, Margie. I'm not proud of what I did. / But you should be. / "Six Chiquitas and a Banana" was a fine piece of film. Especially for 8mm. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1067 |
| Mr. Jeepers | Mr. Jeepers, I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up... a supermodel! / Darn. And I had $50 on theoretical physicist. / / I'm serious! Mom and dad said I could be anything I want if I try hard enough. / Yeah, well. I hate to break it to ya, but you're four pounds heavier than the average supermodel right now. / / Oooh Mr. Jeepers. I do love you. Even if you poop on my dreams. / Hey, have any dream you want. Just be ready to go wherever your temp agency sends you. / I'll admit Mr. Jeepers is fuzzy and adorable. But in my opinion, a Beanie Baby crawled up his ass and died. http://partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1068 |