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|Mother Knows Best||Kristian: Hey ma, what's this "Perimeter Internet?" that you scribbled here? / Mom: It's the company that Josh Harbill worked at. / Kristian: And who's Josh Harbill? / Mom: He's a young man who's obituary I found in today's paper. / Kristian: And I'm interested in this, why? / Mom: Because I figure you...|
|I Still Think It's Nice||Kristian: So I like your new implant. It really brings out the color in your cheekbones. / Evan: Yeah, I absolutely adore it. It's fabulous. / Evan: Ok, that was awkward. / Kristian: Extremely. / Evan: Let's not talk for a while, ok? / Kristian: Agreed.|
|Unrealized Ambitions||Kristian: Dude, dude, dude...We seriously gotta celebrate this St. Patty's Day in style. / Ben: I know! We can be like the Boondock Saints, whacking crime bosses. / Ben: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got some guns, black shirts, and rope at home. We can re-enact that scene where the brothers drop down from...|
|He's Motherfucking Everywhere||Kristian: Brian! *cough*, gasp, have you seen the trailer for Snakes on a Plane? / Brian: I've been meaning to. / Kristian: Well hurry up, it's amazing. Samuel motherfuckin' Jackson actually shoots a snake in its face! / Brian: O Rly? / Kristian: I swear, there's no crisis that man can't solve with violence. / Brian:...|
|Poop Watch||Kristian: Hey hey. Look at what I scrounged up at Goodwill today. / Evan: What are you going to do with a security camera? / Kristian: Only the most brilliant idea ever. I'll focus the camera on my cat's litter-box, and then setup a pay-per-view webcam online. People will sign on by the thousands...|
|No Tears Shampoo||Evan: What are your feelings toward Gabe Newell? / Kristian: Well, on one hand, he's brought us one of the most prominent game series in the industry, but on the other, he's a blubberous lard. Eh, I'd say I'm ambivalent. Why? / Evan: He's quoted in this interview saying valve is developing smaller,...|
|Make it So Number One||Emperor: You were the one from my dreams... / Kristian: Hmm... Something's missing here... / Kristian: BINGO! Captain Jean-luc Picard of the USS Enterprise. Captain Jean-luc Picard of the USS Enterprise.|
|Oblivion||Your character in Oblivion doesn't seem to grasp the concept of personal space: / Glurzog: Yo Tuvak, what's with this close-talking fruit? Why's he all up in my grill? / Tuvak: No clue, Glurzog. I don't think he's right in the head. He spent the day collecting ribcages and rubbing up against Alessia. / Glurzog:...|
|The Fan Appreciation Pile||Kristian: Dave, why didn't you tell me it was Christopher Walken's birthday on Friday? / Dave: I've been passed out since Tuesday. / Kristian: You know he's my favorite actor, second only to that one Keebler Elf. / Dave: Liar. / Dave: So you're sending him a mangled dildo? / Kristian: No you drunk, it's...|
|There's Always a Catch||Kristian: So I've decided to embrace my unemployment status wholeheartedly. Not being chained to an office or bossed around by managers is blissfully liberating. No alarm buzzers, no traffic jams, no brown-nosing Indians trying to upstage you. / Kristian: And the best part is that I see absolutely...|
|I Wanna Piss on You||Kristian: You hear about the release of this "Mac Boot Camp?" / Evan: The software that lets Intel Macs dual boot into Windows XP? / Kristian: Yeah, it's-- / Nat: Are you guys talking about Macs?! Did you know my Mac's power light glows through the front side of the case? Isn't that so cool? / Kristian:...|
|Somethings Never Change||Narrator: Last day of College / Prof: Ben, why's it taking you so long to round up those monkeys and finish my research? / Ben: Almost done professor. / Narrator: Graduation / Ben: FREEEDOOOOM / Narrator: First day of work / Boss: Ben, why's it taking you so long to round up those monkeys and finish my...|
|Ben Makes a Funny||<
|Frisky Feline||Kristian: So I was trying to multi-task last night by simultaneously brushing my teeth and taking a piss.
|Sam Ficher's Moonlighting Gig||Evan: Ubisoft ditching Starforce is bad news man. On the surface it seems as if they're receptive to the complaints of their users. But this movie leaves them free to sneak in their secret weapon. The details are sketchy, all I know is Ubisoft will launch a preemtive strike against pirates. You'll...|
|Asian Leftovers||Evan: Colorful Christ, Brian! What's that smell? / Brian: The fuck you talking about? / Evan: It reeks in here. It doesn't surprise me, but can't you at least Febreeze this place? / Evan: It think the smell is coming from this box. / Brian Uh-oh. Remember a couple weeks ago when I ordered a DS Lite,...|
|Proud Sponsor||Evan: Hey Nat, this Shasta soda is the single greatest purchase you've ever made. It's reason #3 why I'm marrying you. / Evan: Hehe, SHASTA FIGHT! / Nat: Eva-- STOP THAT! / Evan: NO FAIR! Frozen cans are against the rules.|
|Dave's First Happy||Dave: What's up with your faceplate? / Evan: I stayed up last nig-- / Dave: BORED NOW. / Dave: What's really important is that everyone gazes in awe at my new setup. If it had legs, it'd be terrorizing small Japanese children this very moment. The best part: it's powered by cigarette butts. / Dave:...|
|It's Never OK||Narrator: Silent Hill perpetuates a classic horror movie cliche.
/ Rose: It's going to be OK Cybil. Trust me, we'll be OK.
/ Cybil: I believe you Rose. / Narrator: 10 minutes later...
|The Aborted Revolution||1st I: Hello. / 2nd I: Hi. / 1st I: Looks like we're going to be working together. / 2nd: I look forward to it. / 3rd I: What's up guys? / 1st I: Oh, I was under the impression it was only 2 of us. / 1st I: What the!? / Kristian: Wii. / Evan: I take it you've heard the news about the Revolution's official...|
|Celebrity Gossip||Kristian: So Britney Spears is pregnant again. I find her saga fascinating. / Dave: Must be all that estrogen you're taking. / Kristian: She was able to crawl out of obscurity, become the nation's biggest teen sex symbol, earn countless millions, party with Hollywood's finest. And what happens a mere...|
|BBGBN||Evan: OH JESUS DAVE! I'm really sorry! Does it hurt? / Dave: Very much so. But let's stop for a moment and see if we can't figure out the chain of events that led us here, shall we? / Evan: ...ok. / [[3 seconds earlier...]] / Evan: Tonight's been great. I think 'Beer and BB Guns Night' will become...|
|Triple Play||Evan: Homemade time machine again? / Kristian: Even better. / Evan: Idunno, we could use a solid time machine. / Kristian: This year's E3 has shown me each next generation console has at least one exclusive game that I can't live without. Unfortunately, I won't be able to afford any of these systems....|
|Jiggle It Just a Little Bit||Narrator: E3 2006 Sony Conference
/ Sony: And soon, you'll be able to own this fantastic next gen system FOR ONLY $600.00! Isn't that amazing? / <
|Penny Moments||Kristian: I'm growing concerned over the Wii's status among the next gen consoles. The rumored low price, and relatively underpowered hardware, combined with Nintendo's standard kiddie game lineup makes the Wii look less like a serious console and more like the latest Tiger Electronics game toy. / Evan:...|
|True Believer||Kristian: Dave, I just found out Jesus planted some seed in Magdalene's vag and she wound up having his baby. It's true! / Dave: Did you just see The Da Vinci Code? / Kristian: Yes! Tom Hanks has changed my fundamental beliefs for the better. I must spread the truth. / Dave: Don't be a douche-guzzler,...|
|PVP is Vicious||<
|Paralysis Station 3||Narrator: Inside the Sony PS3 R&D Lab / Scientist: Gentlemen, as we are all aware, Sony incurs massive revenue losses whenever one of our customers purchases a game second hand. Now, some of you believe our current plan to criminalize the resale of PS3 games will be enough, but I say we can do more. / Scientist:...|
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