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|Strong Enough for a Woman||Kristian: Perfect, I'm out of deodorant. / Kristian: I'll just use one of the dozen sticks mom has in the cabinet. Aw shit, this is lady Speedstick. / Daughter: Mommy, mommy! Why does this man smell like your Summer's Eve bottle? Does he have a vagina too?? / Mother: Ashley dear, please be polite....|
|The Wrath of||Kristian: I'm not sure I understand Mrs. Arly... I thought I was perfect for the job. I was going to complete your rainbow! / Kristian: Oh. I see. Well, it seems he was the better choice then. Yes 12 inches, that is quite impressive. I hope everything works out with Mr. Tripod. Goodbye. / Kristian:...|
|Tis the Season to Tithe||Priest: Ladies and gentlemen, I have just one more announcement before we leave to spread the Good Word today. We have a problem folks. As you all know, Christmas falls on a Sunday this year. And we priests are a bit P.O.'ed by this, as it means one less mass to collect funds for The Church. Without...|
|Quoting Scripture||Nat: Hey baby, did you see President Bush's speech earlier tonight?? It was so beautiful. / Evan: Not again Nat. This will go on for hours. And Desperate Housewives is new tonight. / Nat: I began cheering so loud when h started bashing those goddamn anti-war hippies. The only good hippie is one that's...|
|Refuses to Learn||Brian: You gotta try this new Star Chamber demo. It's a sweet game. It's complicated to start, but definately worth the wait. / Kristian: What the shit is this Brian? / Kristian: Where's my gun? / Brian: It's not an FPS. / Kristian: What's with all the little, tiny letters... / Brian: Those are words. / Kristian:...|
|How Does He Digest it?||Kristian: These are low fat and heart healthy. / Balls: Good morning father. / Kristian: AAAAHH, Get away, leave me be! I'm still having nightmares from last time. / Balls: Calm down father. I've given up on the tacky world domination and revenge plot. / Balls: 'Why' you may ask? What could possibly...|
|What Really Happened||Narrator: God's office [cubicle] 7:30 PM / Vishnu: Yo God, what's with the overtime? / God: It's fucking Henderson. He;s been riding my ass about these Creationism quotas all week. And Bush's been leaving me a good 20 voicemails a day asking for updates on his Crusade on Terror. / Vishnu: Bitching and...|
|Golfing Buddies||Evan: If I miss this shot, I swear on my late cat Snuffleupagus that I will shoot myself in the brain. / Evan: Theres the shot... heading a little bit left... and I just orphaned a family of prairie dogs.. / Evan: Well I can't break my promise to Snuffy. Do you think my finger is a satisfactory weapon? / Dave:...|
|The Great Moobilization||Captain: Sir! / General B. Wellington: What is it captain? / Captain: This just came in over the wire. I think you better take a look at it. It's a news article that relates to Operation Gaseous Clay. / General B. Wellington: Dear God... And you're sure this is legitimate? / Captain: Yes, sir. / General...|
|The Great State Debate||Ben: It's time to go Dave.
/ Evan: Wawa's got your favorite hoagie waiting.
/ Kristian: Don't listen to them! / Kristian: Just wait a minute, Dave! You've been clean for six months now, don't throw it all away. You don't want to go back to--
|A Poor Substitute||Ben: Sup / Kristian: Ben, where's Dave? / Ben: No idea. / Kristian: Well, I guess you can be his stand-in for today. / Ben: Great. / Kristian: OK, here’s the basic format we use. It’s pretty simple. I ask something random and bizarre. Without skipping a beat, you respond with an entirely plausible, but...|
|The Cleansing, Part I||Subject: Ben Mitchell Time: 8:00 PM / TV: Thanks for tuning in to Google News. / Narrator: Excellent. Everyone's in place. Agent Peepers, you're clear to move. The rest of you, standby. / TV: Our top story tonight, Google has launched its counter offensive against those cowardly terrorists, those...|
|The Cleansing, Part II||Subject: Leslie Correa / Time: 8:01 pm / TV: ...Insurgents from their hiding places. / Narrator: Agent Utero, time to shine. Move out now. Report back in when job's complete. / Utero: 'Ello mudda. Ain't ya gonna welcome me to ya world? / Leslie: Dakota, did you just give birth to yourself? How are...|
|The Cleansing, Part III||Subject: Kris ******* / Time: 8:02 PM / Narrator: Two down. Agent Cold Meat, target 3 is in position. You're on. Excellent. The operation's almost complete. / Wawa guy: Hey miss, I'll be with you in one sec. / Wawa guy: No Wawa for you! / Kris: I just wanted one of your delicious, freshly-made ...|
|The Cleansing, Part IV||Subject: Evan FUCKFACE / Time 8:04 PM / Narrator: And now for the coup de grace. Agent Latte, crush the target's face in like you did to that annoying black girl in the library last year. / TV: ...and in other google-rific news, Inspector Gadget has been found brutally murdered... / Beyonce: Surprise...|
|The Cleansing, Part V||Beyonce: The first thing we're going to do is repossess your rental Google implant. Come on, mama needs to hear that click.
|The Cleansing, Part VI||Nat: Let go of my Jew!
/ Beyonce: Bitch please, you think that's the first Captain America I've had slapped across my face?
|Random Moments - Equal Opportunity||CEO: Thanks for coming in Hank. As you know, we here at Simon, Simon, & Pasquale have been facing stiff competition in the industry for months now. / Hank: Yes, sir. / CEO: Sigh... this isn't easy for anyone, but we're going to have to let some people go. Now don't worry, you're not on that list! ...|
|Random Moments - She Can be Found in the Phone Book||Evan: So have you named your testicle son yet? Seems to me, it'd be a good father-son bonding moment. / Kristian: No, not yet. / Dave: Queef, queef, queef. / Kristian: Sometimes I feel he's too much of a free spirit to be constrained by a simple label. / Evan: I think you should name him Bob. / Hooker:...|
|Even Pimps Have Secrets||Kristian: Have you heard about Ben? / Dave: You mean about his creepy ass collection of life-sized, anatomically correct Boba Fett dolls? / Kristian: No, although I won't ever go down into his basement again because of those things. I'm talking about the rumors that he's now a big time pimp, with no less...|
|For Your Protection||<
|V-Day Reloaded||Nat: Evan, sweetie, are you in here? Why is it so dark? / Evan: DON'T TURN ON THE LIGHT! / Nat: What's wrong Ev? / Evan: Ever since Beyonce ripped out my Google implant I've felt...SIGH Agent Smith was right. When one has lost one's purpose, how does one define oneself? What can motivate a being without...|
|A New World Order||Evan: Wha.. Nat you got me a new implant? / Evan: BABY, THANK YOU! You've given me a reason to live again! / Evan: I feel like a brand new man. But I do have a wild desire to suppress human rights now.|
|Shot Through the Heart||Splinter Cell Goodness. / Ben: Ok Brian, I'll giv you the signal, you open the elevator door, and I'll clear out the room. / Brian: Roger. / Ben: Ok, now! Got a visual on the target. He's right in front of me. "And I shall strike thee down with furious anger." / Ben: SHIT SHIT SHIT! I forgot R1 fires!...|
|I Heard He Even TIVOed It||Nat: Hey hon-- / Evan: Uh, hey Nat, uh-- you're home early! ...why? / Nat: You've been watching figure skating? / Evan: They move with such grace. / Nat: You're wrapped in my grandmother's quilt. / Evan: It keeps me warm. / Nat: Are you crying?? / Evan: SASH COHEN COULDN'T COMPLETE HER TRIPLE AXLE! / Nat:...|
|Put the Lotion in the Effing Basket||Kristian: I'm beginning to worry about the increasing quantity and quality of Catholic propaganda accumulating in my mom's house. / Dave: Testicles. / Kristian: Seems every time I step into the kitchen, she's put up a new cross, or picture, or prayer book, or rosary bead. / Kristian: She's also spending...|
|Mistranslated, Part I||Brian: Sweet, it's here. It took a few days, and several sexual favors for shady Japanese businessmen, but I was able to import the new DS Lite.
/ Brown: JUST SIGN THE LINE SIR / <
|Mistranslated, Part II||Brian: Cockshitting Japanese importers got it all wrong. I ordered a blue one. This one's all yellow and lumpy. I'm also pretty sure he's used. / Brian: Evan, check the manual. I can't even find out where to stick the games. / Evan: It's all in Japanese, but I think I can make out what they mean...|
|Bananas||Dave: I don't know what possessed me to shave my beard. It was my identity. When I would go outside, I used to drive women to clutch their purses, shake elderly men's bowels loose, even comatose small children into silence. I was FEARSOME. But now... / Dave: ...I'm just a target for high-pitched...|
|Job Swap||Narrator: On Job Swap, we take the most unlikely pair and have them try each other's job for a day. Today we have Evan, a Java programmer swap with Davis, a seasoned truck driver. So let's take a peek at how Davis is doing at the office... / Davis: Dis here Interweb is amazing. I've found me all these...|
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