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|Gun Control||Evan: HEY NAT!
/ Nat: What Ev?
/ Evan: Going to the range has made me all horny. Horny for guns. I think I'm going to buy one.
|The Ark of Our Lives||Narrator: New Orleans, 2 days after Katrina hit. / Noah: Oh Jesus! We're too late! / Jesus: Damnit Noah, I fucking told you! This is just like the Tsunami last year. We could have made it, but you HAD to get your fucking hair braided in Jamaica, didn't you? / Noah: They were half off! Besides, I felt...|
|Goodwill Goodness||Kristian: Oh sweetness... Starcraft Brood War! Goodwill, thy will be done. No, no, it can't be. Empty? Curse these damnable thieves. / Kristian: Another copy? Miraculous. Again?! They are toying with my heart! / Kristian: But what is this... A third copy? And it hasn't been stolen! / Evan:...|
|G.O.O.N.S.||Newscaster: In other news, Google has finally launched their much touted Google.net Google.net offers to catalog the military's thousands of missile silo access codes and allow quick retrieval with their famous search engine technology. Virtually no one has expressed any concern over this bold move....|
|They Got Evan||Evan: Must catalog all humans. Surrender your organs now. / Nat: What the? Evan, you've been turned into a Google.net Bot Assimilator? / Evan: Correct. I am now pure information. Stand in awe of Google's pow...OOOH, RERUNS OF GOOD TIMES! / Evan: Hey honey, can you make me one of those wontons I...|
|Featuring Never Before Seen Characters||Ben: I must say I loved the quality of 80's anime. But it started getting way too popular. The 90's saw an influx of such trash as Pokemon and Dragon Ball Z. Hell, we're still recovering. / Dustin: Well, I think I'd have to say the freedom. Yeah, the 80's were a good time to, uh, you know, not be...|
|Legal Immigrant||[[Shirtless Kristian is diggin a hole outside]] / [[Kristian wipes his brow]] / Mexican: Tu es un PHONY! UN PHONY GRANDE!|
|How Every Porn Starts||Jamie: So the electricity went out in my room last week. And I don't just mean a circuit breaker flipped... all the wiring is bad. The electrician's coming on Wednesday. / Dave: You better dry hump him before he gets past the front door, or I'll be very disappointed. / Jamie: I will demand they send...|
|A Night Out With the Fruit of the Loom Gang||Grapes: Green, green, it's gonna be okay! She's not worth it. Besides, she would have just ripened soon, and you know how bad those tomato bitches get after that. / Banana: Agagh. We're going streaking! Come on, LETS GET IT ON. WOOOOOOO / Grapes: I hate that Chiquita Banana so much. Mother fucker...|
|Contagious||[[Dave sneezes on Kristian]]
|The Afterbirth||Kristian: How do you know if you can even do this?? / Evan: Trust me, I've been toasting bread all week with my awesome Google laser beam eye implant. / Kristian: Hurry up, I'm tired of teabagging everyone that I brush by on the street. / Evan: Hold still damnit, I can't have you squirming while I'm cutting. / Evan:...|
|Jailbreak, Part I||Evan: Kristian! How long does it take to shit on a pair of sentient testicles and flush them down the toilet. / Dave: Come on man, pinch that thing off, I've got my own payload of air to ground missiles to launch. / Evan: He's not responding. Alright Tonto, break that door down. / Dave: Time to fuck...|
|Jailbreak, Part II||Kristian: I would never have guessed a detached ballsack with no legs could move so fast. / Evan: Yeah, police? We have some escaped gonads. / Dave: Uuugghhh. This one's definitely tearing the ol' exit hole. / Police: Alright, listen up, people. We need to focus on a pair of testicle's frequent hiding...|
|Family Friendly||[[Ben pulls back bow]]
|Special Bonus Comic||[[Ben pulls back bow]]
|Estrangement||[[Nat, Evan, Dave sit on a sofa]] / [[Nat, Evan, Dave continue sitting on sofa]] / Nat: Without Kristian around, life just doesn't have that spark anymore. Colors look faded, food tastes bland, and the air just lingers with a stale aroma. / Evan: Yeah, I know what you mean. / Dave: True.|
|A Lonely Man||Evan: Everything's going pretty well. I'm assimilating everything I find. Unquenchable thirst for knowledge still there. Oh, and the eye laser, big plus. Thanks again for putting it in. But... / Evan: This new assignment you've sent me... I can't do it. I'm not a murderer! Get one of your Terminator...|
|This All Feels Familiar||FEAR guy: No way... Gordon Freeman?! / Gordon: Hey, hey... how are ya? / FEAR guy: I'm from the new F.E.A.R. group. Wow, you're my hero! / Gordon: Well, thanks, but- / FEAR guy: Um, can I ask you something, do guys like us always have to fight through impossible odds alone? Seriously, is it that hard to...|
|Monkey's Love Ben||Narrator: An average Friday morning in the life of... / Narrator: an IT Consultant / Manager: Oh, I don't want to wake Dave... I'll just quietly sprinkle his weekly bucket of cash onto him. / Narrator: A Java Developer / Evan: Hurry up, Gary, my Gnome's not going to last much longer against all 4 of them!...|
|Dave Doesn't Need a Costume||Kristian: So it's about 12:30 at night when I'm in bed, half asleep. I've left the TV on as I usually do, when I hear something so strange, a-- / Dave: Why hasn't your lower intestine ruptured and leaked feces into your body cavity yet? / Dave: You're as bad as those beached whales that blubber and...|
|24 Years||[[Kristian lies asleep in bed with an open window]] / [[Balls McBall sneak in through window]] / Balls McBall: Happy birthday dad. Now choke on my testicular rage!
|More Like XCox 360, m i rite?||Kristian: While playing the 360 I suddenly have this urge of deja-vu... / Kristian: It can be only one of two things. Either I've stepped into some temporal vortex similar to what regularly befalls the stalwart crew of the Enterprise or... / Kristian: I've been playing games that look this good on...|
|It's Time||Kristian: Don't worry baby... daddy's gonna take care of you. I know, I know, we've been through a lot together. It's been a great 4 years, but... damnit, I promised myself I wouldn't cry. / Kristian: Sssh, shshsssh, it'll only hurt for a little bit. No more pain where you're going.
|Blacksploitation||Kristian: So I hear black guy's wangs are so large they mostly move independent of the body. / Dave: A prehensile penis, eh? / Kristian: Exactly. / Dave: Do they use those amazing dongs to hang from the trees? / Kristian: Only those natives living in the densest jungles of Mother Africa can still do that. / Dave:...|
|As the HL2 World Turns||Alyx: Hey honey, come back to bed... it's getting cold, but I think I know something that can warm me up... / Alyx: That feels good, you like that don't you. ...Baby, what's wrong, you're so distant tonight. / Mossman: Listen, Alyx... There's something I need to tell you. We can't do this anymore....|
|Rainbow||Kristian: So I had this interview for a lowly tech position at my local community college yesterday. / Dave: I'm drunk with fecal love! / Kristian: It was a full round table committee interview. The freaky thing was that every major ethnicity was represented. White, black, Indian, Asian. All, except...|
|People Watching||Narrator: Foxwood's Indian Casino is home to many table games, but even more important, it's also the gathering place of dozens of classic characters. Such as / Narrator: The Retired German Bond Arch Enemy who has a very intimate Russian friend / Boris: Wow, Hans, that is a great bet. Yes, yes. You...|
|Abortion Woes||Kristian: Hey sis, I made the perfect Christmas card you can give out this year. / Leslie: That's so sweet, thanks Kris. / Fetus: Ery Rismath! / Kristian: I took your sonogram and cartoonized the fetus. See, it's saying "ERY RISMATH" because it hasn't completely formed a tongue yet! Get it? Eh, eh?? / Leslie:...|
|Ct Hates You, All of You||Narrator: In Connecticut / Narrator: Southbound on I-95, near exit 60 / [[Assa Abloy building pictured]] / Narrator: And near exit 28 / [[Happy Birthday Jesus billboard pictured]] / Dave: Your state and the businesses that reside in your state confuse and irritate me. Fix them. / Brian: UUUUGGGGHHH. ...|
|Golden Something||Nat: Honey, stop fidgeting. You're making it harder to snuggle you. / Evan: I can't help it. This damn Google implant is itching so bad. / Evan: UUGGGHH. It's underneat the metal. It fells like a hamster chewing away my scalp. / Nat: Sweetie, just use a screwdriver to get at it. / Evan: OOOOOOHH....|
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