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|Jesus VW||Kristian: You think that 40ft cross up there is where Jesus got hit by a car? / Dave: You mean as a memorial? He did always have a thing for hitchhiking. / Kristian: You know what kind of car hit him? / Dave: It had to be a... / Kristian: A Volkswagen, yup. / Dave: They did always have a thing for killing Jews.|
|The Dream||Narrator: Of all the coffee shops in all the towns in all the world, they had to walk into mine... / Narrator: Shock was setting in. I had never expected the group to be within ten feet of me. But it all made sense in a strange way.
/ Tycho: What the shit do I smell in here? / Narrator: Unfortunately, Tycho didn't seem his usual, eloquent self that I read in his weekly postings. He was retarded. And I don't mean in the figurative sense. No no, he was visibly stricken with a good case of the Downs.
|A Daily Shower, An Effective Spermicide||Narrator: A bathroom 20 miles outside Phoenix, AZ.
/ [[Man is sits down on toilet while reading newspaper]]
|Voted Out of Reality||CD Player: I'm a survivor (what), I'm not gonna give up (what), I'm not gon' stop (what), I'm gonna work harder (what),
|Futuristic Coat Hanger||Padme: Anakin, something wonderful has happened. I'm... I'm pregnant. / Anakin: That's... that's, uh, wonderful. / Padme: Why aren't you happy? / Anakin:Well, it's just that, uh, I wasn't really planning on this happening Right now, Padme. / Padme: What? This is a blessing! / Anakin: Oh yeah, yeah, definitely, but... gosh, you know, I've got this whole Jedi thing going on. I'm so close to being on the council! I'm just not sure... / Padme: What are you saying, Annie?? / Anakin: Um, ok... I'm just gonna throw this out there... Chancellor Palp's been showing me some really sweet Jedi techniques. ... You'd just need to hold still, while I concentrate on my light saber. I think I could ease it in there, and... / Padme: GASP / Anakin: It'd just be a quick flip of the wrist.|
|Facial Growth||Obi Wan: YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE! / Anakin: I HATE YOU! / Obi Wan: It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them! It was you who would bring balance to the Force, not leave it in Darkness. / Obi Wan: You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you. / Anakin: Hey, hey, hey... look, I'm sorry, but I, uh, I haven't been paying attention. It's that thing on your forehead. It's too distracting, it's like looking at Russell Crowe. You want me to cut it off for you? I still have one good hand left.|
|He's a Fine Actor||Narration: How Lucas could have saved a lot of money without negatively affecting Episode 3. / [[Anaking is replaced by a wooden log with a note tacked onto it saying 'you are beautiful']] / Padme: It's only because I'm so in love... / [[Children are seen cowering behind the seats as wooden log Anakin enters]] / Kids: Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What are we going to do? / [[Wooden log Anakin is face down in volcanic ash with a note saying 'I hate you']] / [[Wooden log Anakin has Darth Vader helmet and breathing box attached with a note saying 'nooooooooooooooooooo']]|
|Mini Monks||Dave: Give me your lighter fluid, dick. My Zippo's dry. / Kristian: No. I'm running low and I need it. / Dave: Fuck that. For what? You don't smoke, fag. Gimme that fluid. / Kristian: Fuck off! I said no. I'm saving it for a project. / Dave: Fine, whatever. I got some matches around here. / Kristian: It's ok guys, he's gone now. You'll still have enough fluid left for tomorrow's sacrificial protest! / Mini-monk #1: Bless you, my son! / Mini-monk #2: Buddha would be proud.|
|101 Uses of Small Intestine||Husband: Keep your eyes closed.
/ Wife: Honey, what is this? We'll be late for dinner.
/ Husband: I just want to show you how my last surgery went. I was working on Mr. Whitter for 12 hours.
/ Wife: hehe, ok... / Husband: SURPRISE
|All Orders Shipped Same Day||Batman: Let me give you a quick tour of the Batcave. It's where I spend most of my time, as you can guess. This is the Batcar... / Batman: And this is where I keep my spare suits... and my extensive line of unique gadgets. / Woman: Where do you find all of these things?? / Batman: Uh... um... oh, they're all lovingly hand-crafted.|
|SNL Peaked Years Ago||Dad: Oh wow, there so many things I'm learning as a new parent. Hmm... A newborn's skull is actually made up of smaller, adjustable bones? That's amazing. / Dad: Don't worry honey, I'm all over this. Johnny's doing fine. We even have a surprise when you come back from work tonight. / Dad: Look Steph, we've got our very own Conehead! Come on! You remember. "Consume mass quantities." Haha, I love Dan Akroyd.|
|Available In Any Walmart||Jamie: You done. / Kristian: Almost, just need to pick up a 6-pack. I have some lawn work to take care of. / Kristian: Here we go... MexiCANS - $49.95. / Jamie: What a waste, just get the generic brand, Mexic-OHs for $39.95. They're the same thing. / Jamie: Fine, how about these discounted MexiCANS for $29.50? / Kristian: The irregulars? No way! Look, all their freshness seals have been broken.|
|It's the Lexus of Stalls||Evan: Hey Nat. I'm not feeling that great. ... Something's happened... / Nat: What's wrong Ev??
/ Evan: I don't know what to do. The handicap bathroom stall is out of order!
/ Nat: And what?
/ Evan: And when I asked the janitor when it'd be fixed, he told me, "I don't know son." I was all set. I even had my Charmin Ultra-Soft Double Roll ready. / Nat: Oh you fucking... God, you must be retarded.
|Mind Wanderings||HI my name is Raphael, I'm going to work with you today. I love working. So do you know any famous celebrities? I do. I met Tim Robbins one time. Tim Robbins got the shit beat out of him one time I saw him during the film festival.... / [[Raphael is transformed into a TMNT]] / Raphael: Hello?? Are you even listening?|
|Kristian's a Douche||Narrator: Kristian would rather hike like a jerkoff than do a comic.|
|More Like Gay Sex Flags||Narrator: In many ways, Six Flags makes you look very homosexual. Subtle ways... Like when a girlfriend leaves the table, and tells you to watch her purse while you're sharing a funnel cake. / Narrator: Or when there's a shortage of pink floating tubes in the lazy river ride and you have to share. / Narrator: Or when you're riding the log flume ride uphill while it's vibrating, and because the log doesn't have separate seats, the person in front of you has to shit between your spread eagle legs, even when everything is slippery and wet from the ride before.|
|The Penguin Redemption||Narrator: The first night's the toughest, no doubt about it. They march you in naked as the day you were born, and when they put you in that cell... and those bars slam home... that's when you know it's for real. A whole life blown away in the blink of an eye. Nothing left but all the time in the world to think about it. / Narrator: I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. I wish I could tell you that - but prison is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, we all knew. / Narrator: Andy crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shit-smelling foulness I can't even imagine. Or maybe I just don't want to. Five hundred yard. The length of five football fields. Just shy of half a mile.|
|Evan Goes to the Mayor||N/A|
|Brian Gets in on the Evan-Mayor Orgy||N/A|
|One Cleveland Steamer||AngelWeetle: hello / Mr. Picolinni: how's u / AngelWeetle: alright, you? / Mr. Picolinni: doing good, except I need a comic idea / AngelWeetle: hrmmm / Mr. Picolinni: yeah, see... it's hard / AngleWeetle: i dunno, write about girls or boobs or poop or something.|
|GTA SA Hot Coffee Mod (Fo' Realz This Time, Yo)||GTA Screen: Use Mouse Wheel to sip coffee faster or slower. Press ENTER to gulp all the coffee.
|PETA and Mom||Narrator: Family Moments
/ Kristian: Hey ma, what do you think of me staying in PA for another year instead of moving back to CT? / <
|Free to Walk Naked Around the Apt||[[Kristian's silhouette can be seen in the kitchen doorway, turning off the light.]]
|Office Hi-Jinks||[[Dave's co-worker is pouring some coffee]] / [[Dave sneaks up behind co-worker]] / [[Dave shocks co-worker with defibrillator]]
|A Female Interaction||Girl: So, like, what nationality are you?
/ Kristian I'm Colombian. / Girl: Oh, really? Um... so what does that mean exactly?
/ Kristian: ...... What... does what mean?
/ Girl: Colombian. I mean I've heard that word before, but what does it mean?
/ Kristian: Oh... Jesus. / <
|A Second Female Interaction||Kristian: So.. Sue, we've been friends for a while... / Sue: Yeah... / Kristian: Do you ever see us being anything more? / Sue: Sorry Kris, but I don't think that's going to happen. You ok. / Kristian: Oh. I see. Yeah, I'll be fine. It's ok. / Narrator: The next day... / Kristian: Morning Sue. / Sue: Huh? I don't even want to talk to you right now. / Kristian: What did I do?? / Sue: You weren't nearly upset enough yesterday! / Kristian: Uhhh, I guess that makes perfect sense. / Sue: Look at this, you're smiling right now! You should be wallowing in self-pity! I can't believe you. / Kristian: I'm sorry?|
|One Nipple Goes a Long Way||Mom: Hey honey, you want some chocolate milk before your first day of 5th grade? / Son: Sure mom! / Mom: You know the drill Tommy, first the chocolate... / Mom: And then the milk! Remember to mix them before you swallow.|
|Independent Comic||Kristian: The spiders grow like Willow trees. / FIN|
|Suck Off, Part I||Narrator: Nothing beats a good vacuum for picking up stray hairs in your bathroom... / Narrator: And off your body.
/ Kristian: Hehe, this feels pretty good.
|Suck Off, Part II||Narrator: Thursday.
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