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| Questionable Content: Number 631: Ironically, I Had Chinese Tonight | Number 631: Ironically, I Had Chinese Tonight / [[Faye, Dora, and Hannelore sitting at counter. Faye is eating a burrito, Dora is holding one, and Hannelore looks worriedly at hers.]]
/ Faye: Homf homf homf. Burrito good.
/ Dora: Are you going to eat yours, Hannelore?
/ Hannelore: I'm suspicious of any food that makes its own packaging. There could be spiders inside!
/ Faye: No no, Marten got the spider-filled burrito this time. Yours is full of katydids. / [[Marten, Dora, Faye, and Hannelore sitting by counter. Marten has a burrito, Hannelore looks frightened.]]
/ Marten: Mmm, delicious spiderrito. I got it without brown recluses this time.
/ Dora: That's too bad. There's nothing sexier then a man with an abcess. / [[Marten, Dora, Faye, and Hannelore sitting and speculating.]
/ {{Hannelore seems to be getting into the conversation.}}
/ Marten: Man, what would be the creepiest thing you could find inside a burrito?
/ Faye: A giant grub! All lookin' back at you, wiggling its mandibles and chittering...
/ Dora: Severed baby heads. Wait no, severed baby HANDS would be even creepier.
/ Hannelore: A perfectly normal burrito, only when you cut into it or take a bite it starts screaming and won't stop. / [[Marten, Dora, Faye, and Hannelore sitting at counter. Marten, Dora, and Faye are talking, while Hannelore looks in horror at her burrit, where a katydid is climbing out.]]
/ Marten: Oh god, yeah! And you'd have to choose between not eating it and letting it suffer, or choking it down and put it out of its misery!
/ Faye: Couldn't you just whack it on the counter to stun it? If it works on screaming toddlers it'd work on a screaming Kubrickian horror-burrito.
/ Dora: "Horror-burrito" sounds like the name of a mariachi Misfits cover-band.
/ Hannelore: Aaagh! There really IS a katydid in mine! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=631 |
| Numer 631: Ironically, I Had Chinese Tonight / Panel 1 / Faye: Homf homf homf. Burrito good. / Dora: Are you going to eat yours, Hannelore. / Hannelore: I'm suspicious of any food that makes its own packaging. There could be spiders inside! / Faye: No no, Marten got the spider-filled burrito this time. Yours is full of katydids. / Panel 2 / Marten: Mmm, delicious spiderrito. I got it without brown recluses this time. / Dora: That's too bad. There's nothing sexier than a man with an abcess. / Panel 3 / Marten: Man, what would be the creepiest thing you could find inside a burrito? / Faye: A giant grub! All lookin' back at you, wiggling its mandibles and chittering... / Dora: Severed baby heads. Wait no, severed baby HANDS would be even creepier. / Hannelore: A perfectly normal burrito, only when you cut into it or take a bite it starts screaming and won't stop. / Panel 4 / Marten: Oh god, yeah! And you'd have to choose between not eating it and letting it suffer, or choking it down to put it out of its misery! / Faye: Couldn't you just whack it on the counter to stun it? If it works on screaming toddlers it'd work on a screaming Kubrickian horror-burrito. / Hannelore: Aaagh! There really IS a katydid in mine! / Dora: "Horror-burrito" sounds like the name of a mariachi Misfits cover band. | |
| Number 632: Marten Is Helpful | [[Coffee of Doom]]
/ Marten: Do you ever feel like we're taking for granted the fact that we live in the future?
/ Dora: I think you're confusing your tenses, honey. We live in the present.
/ Faye: Everybody knows it isn't the future until we have flying cars. / Marten: No, I mean think about it! Shit like wireless interent, crazy-ass computer technology, iPods that can hold thousands and thousands of songs...
/ Dora: Electricity, running water, not worrying about being trampled by wooly mammoths...
/ Faye: The majority of humans don't have all the cool stuff we do, though. We're a priviledged minority. / Marten: Yeah, I know. Sometimes I just wish I could look at everything from the perspective of someone who hasn't grown up with it, you know? Like, bring a dude from the fifteenth century here and see how he reacts.
/ Dora: I don't think mind-boggling terror and copious pants-shitting is a very useful perspective to have.
/ Faye: Speaking of mind-boggling terror, I'm gona go check on Hannelore. / Hannelore (from the Restroom of Doom): I'm okay, don't come in! I'm just bleaching my clothes and scrubbing off a layer or two of skin, I'll be fine!
/ Faye: Dora, we have a freaked-out naked chick scrubbing herself furiously in our bathroom.
/ Dora: Meh, it's not the first time.
/ Faye: I...I don't want to know, do I.
/ Dora: Probably not. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=632 |
| Number 632: Marten Is Helpful / Panel 1 / Marten: Do you ever feel like we're taking for granted the fact that we live in the future? / Dora: I think you're confusing your tenses, honey. We live in the present. / Faye: Everybody knows it isn't the future until we have flying cars. / Panel 2 / Marten: No, I mean think about it! Shit like wireless internet, crazy-ass computer technology, iPods that can hold thousands and thousands of songs... / Dora: Electricity, running water, not worrying about being trampled by wooly mammoths... / Faye: The majority of humans don't have all the cool stuff we do, though. We're a priveliged minority. / Panel 3 / Marten: Yeah, I know. Sometimes I just wish I could look at everything from the perspective of someone who hasn't grown up with it, you know? Like, bring a dude from the fifteenth century here and see how he reacts. / Dora: I don't think mind-boggling terror and copious pants-shitting is a very useful perspective to have. / Faye: Speaking of mind-boggling terror, I'm gonna go check on Hannelore. / Panel 4 / Hannelore: I'm okay, don't come in! I'm just bleaching my clothes and scrubbing off a layer or two of skin, I'll be fine! / Faye: Dora, we have a freaked-out naked chick scrubbing herself furiously in our bathroom. / Dora: Meh, it's not the first time. / Faye: I...I don't want to know, do I. / Dora: Probably not. | |
| Number 633: For The Man Who Has Everything? | Hannelore: Okay, I feel much better now. I also took the liberty of disinfecting your bathroom, I hope that's okay.
/ Faye: That was very nice of you. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go undo your handiwork. / Marten: You all right, Hannelore?
/ Dora: I was wondering whether your carpet matches your drapes, but Marten wouldn't let me peek.
/ Hannelore: I'm fine, and hardwood floors are much easier to keep clean than carpeting. / Dora: Hahaha, touche. Would that make a RealDoll linoleum?
/ Marten: Man, RealDolls creep me the hell out.
/ Hannelore: We should be thankful they exist. They keep the kind of people who'd use them from contributing to the gene pool. / Marten: I don't think there's much chance of that kind of dude contributing to the gene pool in the first place.
/ Hannelore: They should give RealDolls artificial intelligence. "No sex until you clean the bedroom, mister!" "How come we never talk?" "You forgot our anniversary again!"
/ Dora: They should give RealDolls the ability to press charges. Although I guess that'd remove one of their major selling points. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=633 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | [[At the coffee shop]]
/ Hannelore: Okay, I feel much better now. I also took the liberty of disinfecting your bathroom, I hope that's okay.
/ Faye: That was very nice of you. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go undo your handiwork. / Marten: You all right, Hannelore?
/ Dora: I was wondering whether your carpet matches your drapes, but Marten wouldn't let me peek.
/ Hannelore: I'm fine, and hardwood floors are much easier to keep clean than carpeting. / Dora: Hahaha, touche. Would that make a RealDoll linoleum?
/ Hannelore: We should be thankful that they exist. They keep the kind of people who'd use them from contributing to the gene pool.
/ Marten: Man, RealDolls creep me the hell out. / Marten: I don't think there's much chance of that kind of dude contributing to the gene pool in the first place.
/ Hannelore: They should give RealDolls artificial intelligence. "No sex until you clean the bedroom, mister!" "How come we never talk?" "You forgot our anniversary again!"
/ Dora: They should give RealDolls the ability to press charges. Although I guess that'd remove one of their major selling points. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=633# |
| Number 634: I Hate Thursdays | Dora: God, I had the WEIRDEST sex dream last night.
/ Marten: This wasn't the one with me dressed like Badtz Maru again, was it?
/ Hannelore: I had a sexy dream about that TV detective "Monk" once. I mean, I guess it wasn't that SEXY, we just straightened up his apartment together. In the nude. / Dora: Okay, so mine pales in comparison to Hannelore's little subconscious acid trip, but anyway I was making out with Mark McGwire in a solid-gold jacuzzi on the moon. I don't even like baseball!
/ Marten: Great, now I have to compete with Mark Friggin' McGwire for your affections? Dude could pick me up and use me to hit home runs! / Dora: Don't worry honey, my subconscious is a fickle vixen. Next week she'll be crushing on Watne Gretzky or something.
/ Marten: That's still better than MY subconscious, apparently.
/ Hannelore: How so? / Marten: A couple weeks ago I had a dream that I was having sex with a chair. A big, comfy, leather-upholstered chair. The really freaky part was how GOOD it felt. It was some of the best dream-sex I've ever had.
/ Dora: Hm. I have a vinyl catsuit in the closet that could pass for upholstery...
/ Faye: Okay, I'm going back into the bathroom until you guys are done having this conversation.
/ Hannelore: Are you going to be cowering? Can I join you? http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=634 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | God, I had the WEIRDEST sex dream last night.
/ This wasn't the one with me dressed like Badtz Maru again, was it?
/ I had a sexy dream about that TV detective "Monk" once. I mean, I guess it wasn't that SEXY, we just straightened up his apartment together. In the nude. / Okay, so mine pales in comparison to Hannelore's little subconscious acid trip, but anyway I was making out with Mark McGuire in a solid-gold jacuzzi on the moon. I don't even like baseball!
/ Great, now I have to compete with Mark Friggin' McGuire for your affections? Dude could pick me up and use me to hit home runs! / Don't worry honey, my subconscious is a fickle vixen. Next she'll be crushing on Wayne Gretzky or something.
/ That's still better than MY subconscious apparently.
/ How so? / A couple weeks ago i had a dream that I was having sex with a chair. A big, comfy, leather-upholstered chair. The really freaky part was how GOOD it felt. It was some of the best dream-sex I've ever had.
/ Hm. I have a vinyl catsuit that could pass for upholstery...
/ Okay, I'm going back into the bathroom untill you guys are done having this conversation
/ Are you going to be cowering? Can I join you? http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=634# |
| Number 635: Stabbity | [[Walking home from Coffee of Doom]]
/ Hannelore: Thanks for hanging out with me, guys.
/ Dora: It's cool, Hanners. You need to get out more anyway.
/ Hannelore: Yeah, my therapist keeps telling me the same thing. It's hard to motivate myself to do it though, since I don't have much of reason to actually leave my apartment except for food and cigarettes. / Dora: I was wondering about that. Doesn't smoking set off your OCD?
/ Hannelore: Not really. It's a comfort thing. I know I'll have to quit sooner or later, but it's one of the few things that relaxes me.
/ Marten: That and my couch, apparently. / Hannelore: Yeah Martin, I think I'm developing a crush on your sofa. Surely as a man who can appreciate a good piece of furniture yourself you will bless our union.
/ Marten: I wonder what denomination you have to be in order to marry furniture. / Dora: As long as it's just the couch and not also the boy who owns it. Otherwise it's you and me Kurosawa-style on a beach with katanas. And you do not want me going all Toshiro Mifune on your ass.
/ Marten: I'm uncomfortable with the mental image of my girlfriend as a grunting, moustachioed Japanese man.
/ Hannelore: I'm less comfortable with the mental image of your girlfriend BEHEADING ME. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=635 |
| Questionable Content Number 635: Stabbity | {{Number 635: Stabbity}} / [[Outside]] / Hannelore: Thanks for hanging out with me, guys.
/ Dora: It's cool, Hanners. You need to get out more anyway.
/ Hannelore: Yeah, my therapist keeps telling me the same thing. It's hard to motivate myself to do it though, since I don't have much of a reason to actually leave my apartment except for food and cigarettes. / Dora: I was wondering about that. Doesn't smoking set off your OCD?
/ Hannelore: Not really. It's a comfort thing. I know I'll have to quit sooner or later but it's one of the few things that relaxes me.
/ Marten: That and my couch, apparently. / Hannelore: Yeah Marten, I think I'm developing a crush on your sofa. Surely as a man who can appreciate a good piece of furniture yourself you will bless our union.
/ Marten: I wonder what denomination you have to be to marry furniture. / Dora: As long as it's just the couch and not also the boy who owns it. Otherwise it's you and me Kurosawa-style on a beach with katanas. And you do not want me going all Toshiro Mifune on your ass.
/ Marten: I'm uncomfortable with the mental image of my girlfriend as a grunting, mustachioed Japanese man.
/ Hannelore: I'm less comfortable with the image of your girlfriend BEHEADING ME. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=635# |
| Number 636: Sven Has Made Some Mistakes | [[In Coffee of Doom]]
/ Sven: Hi Faye, is my sister around?
/ Faye: Oh, hi Sven. Dora went out to dinner with Marten and Hannelore. / Sven: Aw crap, I'm having a moral dilemma and I needed her advice.
/ Faye: What's the issue?
/ Sven: The people who make Hummers want to use a song I wrote in one of their commercials. I hate SUVs and everything they stand for, but they're offering me like thirty grand for this song. / Faye: Hmm, tough call. I mean on one hand, they're gonna give the money to SOMEONE. It might as well be you. On the other hand, associating your work with gas-guzzling capitalism-mobiles is kinda repugnant.
/ Faye: I guess the best thing you could do would be to take the money and then give it all to charity. / Sven: Would buying myself a vintage Les Paul count as charity?
/ Faye: Would beating you to death with it for being a selfish jerk count as justifiable homicide?
/ Sven: Depends on how many of my ex-girlfriends are on the jury. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=636 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Sven: Hi Faye, is my sister around?
/ Faye: Oh, hi Sven. Dora went out to dinner with Marten and Hannelore. / Sven: Aw crap, I'm having a moral dilemma and I needed her advice.
/ Faye: What's the issue?
/ Sven: The people who make Hummers want to use a song I wrote in one of their commercials. I have SUVs and everything they stand for, but they're offering me like thirty grand for this song. / Faye: Hmm, tough call. I mean on one hand, they're gonna give the money to SOMEONE. It might as well be you. On the other hand, associating your work with gas-guzzling capitalism-mobiles is kinda repugnant.
/ Faye: I guess the best thing you could do would be to take the money and then give it all to charity. / Sven: Would buying myself a vintage Les Paul count as charity?
/ Faye: Would beating you to death with it for being a selfish jerk count as justifiable homicide?
/ Sven: Depends on how many of my ex-girlfriends are on the jury. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=636# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | [[Marten, Hannelore and Dora sitting in the waiting area of a restaurant]]
/ Marten: So uh what kind of music do you listen to, Hannelore?
/ Dora: Lemme guess, you only listen to Bach.
/ Hannelore: How'd you know? / Dora: With OCD as bad as yours, You don't exactly strike me as the kind of person who listens to free-jazz.
/ Hannelore: Ew, does ANYBODY actually like free-jazz?
/ Marten: Free-jazz is the Vegemite of the musical world. It's an acquired taste. The people who play it certainly seem to enjoy themselves. / Dora: That's not necessarily saying much, though. Why would anyone play music they DIDN'T enjoy?
/ marten: Money or laziness. You can make decent money as a session musician, and Pete Townshend has said that the only reason he still plays in the Who is because he doesn't really try very hard. / [[Marten, Hannelore and Dora sitting at a table]]
/ Hannelore: You don't have to try very hard to play free-jazz. Just throw a saxophone down a flight of stairs.
/ Marten: Nah, that's more like something John Cage would've done. Or maybe the Dadaists.
/ Dora: You could throw David Bowie down the stairs and he's still manage to make it sound sexy.
/ Marten: I think at this point he'd just break his hip. / {{title text: Number 637: There Is Probably An Emo Band Named FallDownStairs}} http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=637 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Marten: So uh what kind of music do you listen to, Hannelore?
/ Dora: Lemme guess, you only listen to Bach.
/ Hannelore: How'd you know? / Dora: With OCD as bad as yours, You don't exactly strike me as the kind of person who listens to free-jazz.
/ Hannelore: Ew, does ANYBODY actually like free-jazz?
/ Marten: Free-jazz is the Vegemite of the musical world. It's an acquired taste. The people who play it cartainly seem to enjoy themselves. / Dora: That's not necessarily saying much, though. Why would anyone play music they DIDN'T enjoy?
/ Marten: Money or laziness. You can make decent money as a session musician, and Pete Townshend has said that the only reason he still plays in the Who is because he doesn't have to try very hard. / Hannelore: You don't have to try very hard to play free-jazz. Just throw a saxophone down a flight of stairs.
/ Marten: Nah, that's more like something John Cage would've done. Or maybe the Dadaists.
/ Dora: You could throw David Bowie down the stairs and he'd still manage to make it sound sexy.
/ Marten: I think at this point he'd just break his hip. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=637# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Raven: Sven! Hi! What's up?
/ Sven: hey raven, not much. I'm just waiting for Dora to get back from dinner, I have a question to ask her / Raven: Ooh, before she gets back, take this
/ Sven: What is it?
/ Raven: It's my number, silly! Call me anytime. Or IM me. Or email me. It's all on there.
/ Faye: Wait, is that a business card? / Raven: Well yeah, I got tired of always trying to find scraps of paper to give boys my number and stuff, so I got some business cards made.
/ Sven: "Raven Pritchard Thinks You're a Cutie" in gold embossed script. Very classy.
/ Faye: Why stop at business cards? The realm of office supply offers nearly infinite ways to demean the courtship process. / Sven: Monogrammed condoms would be pretty awesome.
/ Faye: We can print you some with a little warning on the side: "Handle with care. Primary thinking apparatus."
/ Raven: "Haha, or maybe "This end up"!
/ Sven: I'd prefer "Do Not Bend". http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=638 |
| Questionable Content | {{Number 638: Warning: Beverage Extremely Hot}} / [[Raven, Sven, and Faye are at the coffee shop. Raven is wearing a red shirt with the Gmail symbol. Sven is wearing a green Castor shirt. Faye is wearing a brown Spoon shirt.]
/ Raven: Sven! Hi! What's up?
/ Sven: Hey Raven, not much. I'm just waiting for Dora to get back from dinner, I have a question to ask her. / Raven: Ooh, before she gets back, take this.
/ Sven: What is is?
/ Raven: It's my number, silly! Call me anytime. Or IM me. Or email me. It's all on there.
/ Faye: Wait, is that a business card? / Raven: Well yeah, I got tired of always trying to find scraps of paper to geive boys my number and stuff, so i got some business cards made.
/ Sven: "Raven Pritchard Thinks You're a Cutie" in gold embossed scrupt. Very classy.
/ Faye: Why stop at business cards? The realm of office supply offers nearly infinite ways to demean the courtship process. / Sven: Monogrammed condoms would be pretty awesome.
/ Raven: Haha, or maybe "This end up"!
/ Sven: I'd prefer "Do Not Bend".
/ Faye: We can print you some with a little warning on the side: "Handle with care. Primary thinking apparatus." http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=638# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Number 639: Jenna Bush is #4 / PANEL 1
/ Marten: When do you need to be back at the coffee shop?
/ Dora: I've got a few minutes to spare. We should take advantage of them.
/ [BUTT GRAB!]
/ [FLASH!]
/ Pintsize: Hah! Yes! That picture's totally going up on the message board! / PANEL 2
/ Dora: It would appear we have a robot paraprazzi in the apartment.
/ Marten: What's the deal with the photos, Pintsize?
/ Pintsize: I can't tell you, it's a secret!
/ Marten: Tell me or I'll pin you down and install Windows ME on you. / PANEL 3
/ Pintsize: Gah! Okay, okay! There's an AnthroPC-only message board dedicated to sharing pictures and videos of our owners in compromising positions, such as you getting your butt grabbed by Dora.
/ Marten: Dude you are SO not allowed to post pictures of me on that message board. Gimme the camera.
/ Pintsize: Uh, it's a little late for that. / PANEL 4
/ Pintsize: A couple weeks ago I posted video of you dancing around in a towel to Daft Punk. It's now the third most popular movie on the site.
/ Dora: Hahaha, that sounds amazing. What are the top two?
/ Pintsize: A fat guy making out with a burro, and Hillary Clinton dancing around in a towel to Daft punk.
/ Marten: I got /served/ by Hillary Clinton? Goddammit! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=639 |
| Questionable Content: Number 639: Jenna Bush is #4 | {{Number 639: Jenna Bush is #4}}
/ [[Marten and Dora arrive at Marten's Apartment, Pintsize is standing on the couch, holding a camera.]]
/ Marten: When do you need to be back at the coffee shop?
/ Dora: I've got a few minutes to spare. We should take advantage of them.
/ [[Dora grabs Marten's butt]]
/ < http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=639# |
| Questionable Content: I like the Paul Newman Ones Better | Sven: look raven, i'd love to take this but Dora would kill me if she caught me dating one of her employees. / Raven: Who said anything about Dora finding out? / Sven: no no, you don't understand. Dora is the one girl on earth I can't lie to. She sees right through me. / Raven: Well don't LIE, just don't TELL her. / Sven: That would work, except she makes a point of asking me about my love life just about every time we talk. It's like having a conscience that can scowl and make "tut-tut" noises at me whenever I hook up with some bimbo record company secretary. / Faye: How can you want to go out with this guy, Raven? The longer he talks the more unappealing he gets. / Raven: It's like looking at a package of Oreos. You KNOW you shouldn't eat them but a couple minutes later half the package is gone and you've got a tummyache. / Sven: The sad part is that's one of the kindest metaphors I've ever heard used to describe me. / Faye: I hate to break it to you but that was a simile. / Raven: Dammit, now I'm craving Sven makeouts AND Oreos. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=640 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Sven: Look Raven, I'd love to take this but Dora would kill me if she caught me dating one of her employees.
/ Raven: Who said anything about Dora finding out? / Sven: No no, you don't understand. Dora is the one girl on earth I can't lie to. She sees right through me.
/ Dora: Well don't LIE, just don't TELL her. / Sven: That would work, except she makes a point of asking me about my love life just about every time we talk. It's like having a conscience that can scowl and make "tut-tut" noises at me whenever I hook up with some bimbo record company secretary.
/ Faye: How can you want to go out with this guy, Raven? The longer he talks the more unappealing he gets.
/ Raven: It's like looking at a package of Oreos. You KNOW you shouldn't eat them but a couple minutes later half the package is gone and you've got a tummyache. / Sven: The sad part is that's one of the kindest metaphors I've ever heard used to describe me.
/ Faye: I hate to break it to you but that was a simile.
/ Raven: Dammit, now I'm craving Sven makeouts and Oreos. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=640# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Raven: I thought I heard you coughing out a lung over here. Are you okay?
/ Faye: Y-yeah, I'm all right. It's just bread-lung from my days in the mines. / Raven: The mines? Bread-lung?
/ Faye: The bread mines. You know, where bread comes from? All children in the South are required to spend ages 9 to 12 working in the mines. My job was to seperate the dough-slag from the pure chunks of bread-ore. / Raven: Bread doesn't come from mines. Bakers BAKE it.
/ Faye: Well in MODERN times they do, yeah. The modern oven is designed to replicate the environment found in bread mines. They're very hot and yeasty, you see. But people all over the world still practice the traditional method of mining delicious bread from the bowels of the earth.
/ Faye: Different countries have different veins of bread running beneath them - Germany has vast pumpernickel deposits, while the French export more than a million tons and in the Midwest there's a lot of wheat sinkholes. Wonder Bread, of course, comes from New Jersey. / Raven: What about cake? Does that come from inside the earth as well?
/ Faye: Of course not, silly. Cake is made of condensed atmospheric dust. It's harvested by men in dirgibles with fans and vacuum-tanks.
/ Raven: Where did you learn all this?
/ Faye: Mister Talking Whiskey Bottle here told me! He is a vast reservoir of false knowledge and fuel for mistake-making. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=641 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Raven: I thought i heard you coughing out a lung over here. Are you okay?
/ Faye: Y-yeah, I'm all right. It's just bread-lung from my days in the mines. / Raven: The mines? Bread-lung?
/ Faye:The bread mines.You know, Where bread comes from? All children in the South are required to spend ages 9 to 12 working in the mines. My job was to seperate the dough-slag from the pure chunks of bread-ore. / Raven: Bread doesnt come from mines. Bakers BAKE it.
/ Faye: Well in Modern times they do, yeah. The modern oven is designed to replicate the environment found in bread mines. They're very hot and yeasty, you see. But people all over the world still practice the traditional method of mining delicious bread from the bowels of the earth.
/ Different countries have different veins of bread running beneath them-Germany ahs vast pumpernickel deposits, while the french expost more than a million tons of baguette shale every year. America has pungent sourdough caverns in the West,and in the Midwest there's a lot of wheat sinkholes. Wonder Bread, of course comes from New Jersey. / Raven: What about cake? Does that come from inside the earth as well?
/ Faye: Of course not, silly. Cake is made of condensed atmospheric dust. it is harvested by men in derigibles with fans and vacuum-tanks.
/ Raven: Where did you learn all this?
/ Faye: Mister Talking Whiskey Bottle here told me! He is a vast reservoir of false knowledge and fuel for mistake-making. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=641# |
| Number 642: A Very Literal Flame-War | Raven: I can't believe you're drinking at work! Dora would kill you if she found out! / Faye: Oh, lighten up. We haven't had a customer in an hour and we close in five minutes. / Raven: Maybe so but still, it's against the rules. / Faye: Okay, okay, I'll stop. I'm just stressed out 'cause my first therapy appointment is tomorrow and I just spent two days with my crazy family and Dora and Marten should have been back an hour ago, which mean they're probably banging at out apartment or something... / Raven: How do you know that? I bet they're just taking their time at dinner or something. / Faye: No, they're totally doing it. I have a sixth sense about these things. Hell, you don't even HAVE to have a sixth sense to know, in this case. / [[Cuts to a view of Marten and Dora, looking frightened as a large robot points its guns at them. ]] / Marten: I'm telling you, Pintsize isn't here. He's, uh, he's in Mexico. He went to Mexico yesterday. / Deathbot 9000: GLOBAL POSITIONING SATELLITES INDICATE HIS PRESENCE IN THIS HOUSING STRUCTURE. DEATHBOT 9000 DOES NOT APPRECIATE BEING CALLED A "STUPID-TWAT-BOT 6900" ON INTERNET MESSAGE BOARDS AND DEMANDS JUSTICE. / Dora: Would an apology suffice? / Deathboy 9000: AFFIRMATIVE. DEATHBOT 9000 WOULD RATHER AVOID INTERNET DRAMA. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=642 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | [[Raven and Faye are behind the counter in Coffee of Doom]]
/ Raven: I can't believe you're drinking at work! Dora would kill you if she found out!
/ Faye: Oh lighten up. We haven't had a customer in an hour and we close in five minutes. / Raven: Maybe so but still, it's against the rules.
/ Faye: Okay, okay, I'll stop. I'm just stressed out 'cause my first therapy appointment is tomorrow and I just spent two days with my crazy family and Dora and Marten should have been back an hour ago, which means they're probably banging at our apartment or something... / Raven: How do you know that? I bet they're just taking their time at dinner or something.
/ Faye: No, they're totally doin' it. I have a sixth sense about these things. Hell, you don't even HAVE to have a sixth sense to know, in this case. / [[Marten and Dora stand shocked in the apartment, dwarfed by a huge robot]]
/ Marten: I'm telling you, Pintsize isn't here. He's, uh, he's in Mexico. He went to Mexico yesterday.
/ Deathbot 9000: GLOBAL POSITIONING SATELLITES INDICATE HIS PRESENCE IN THIS HOUSING STRUCTURE. DEATHBOT 9000 DOES NOT APPRECIATE BEING CALLED A "STUPID-TWAT-BOT 6900" ON INTERNET MESSAGE BOARDS AND DEMANDS JUSTICE.
/ Dora: Would an apology suffice?
/ Deathbot 9000: AFFIRMATIVE. DEATHBOT 9000 WOULD RATHER AVOID INTERNET DRAMA. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=642# |
| Questionable Content Number 635: Stabbity | {{Number 635: Stabbity}} / [[Outside]] / Hannelore: Thanks for hanging out with me, guys.
/ Dora: It's cool, Hanners. You need to get out more anyway.
/ Hannelore: Yeah, my therapist keeps telling me the same thing. It's hard to motivate myself to do it though, since I don't have much of a reason to actually leave my apartment except for food and cigarettes. / Dora: I was wondering about that. Doesn't smoking set off your OCD?
/ Hannelore: Not really. It's a comfort thing. I know I'll have to quit sooner or later but it's one of the few things that relaxes me.
/ Marten: That and my couch, apparently. / Hannelore: Yeah Marten, I think I'm developing a crush on your sofa. Surely as a man who can appreciate a good piece of furniture yourself you will bless our union.
/ Marten: I wonder what denomination you have to be to marry furniture. / Dora: As long as it's just the couch and not also the boy who owns it. Otherwise it's you and me Kurosawa-style on a beach with katanas. And you do not want me going all Toshiro Mifune on your ass.
/ Marten: I'm uncomfortable with the mental image of my girlfriend as a grunting, mustachioed Japanese man.
/ Hannelore: I'm less comfortable with the image of your girlfriend BEHEADING ME. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=643 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | [[Dora and Faye are at the coffee shop.]]
/ Faye: THERE you are. Did you finally manage to wear Marten out?
/ Dora: Would you believe we were held up while we coaxed Pintsize out from under the bed so he could apologize for offending a military combat-droid on an internet message board?
/ Faye: I'll give you points for creativity, but your veracity is still lacking. / [[Marten enters scene]]
/ Marten: Seriously, it's true. We only managed to get rid of him when we reminded him there were WikiPedia articles that needed editing.
/ Dora: DEATHBOT 9000 RUNS ON OPEN-SOURCE SOFTWARE! DEATHBOT 9000 IS ROUTINELY MODERATED +5 INSIGHTFUL ON SLASHBOT! DEATHBOT9000 MET WIL WHEATON ONCE! Deathbot 9000 has no concept of an indoor voice! Deathbot 9000 blathers incessantly about the GPL!
/ Faye: The mental image of Wesley Crusher being menaced by a murderous android bent on securing an autograph IS pretty amusing. / Marten: Apparently the government cut off his developers' funding, so now he just surfs the internet all day in his hangar.
/ Faye: Oh, the poor thing. The intar-wubs is a phenominally terrible place to spend all your time.
/
/ Dora: The saddest part was when he showed us a picture of his "girlfriend from Cananda." I'm pretty sure it was just a bagel slicer with some lipstick on.
/ Faye: It's a little known fact that every Canadian citizen is born with a sharp, serrated edge somewhere on their body as protection from polar bears and enraged Quebecois.
/ Marten: Every night they quietly hone their blades, biding their time until the Great Curling, when they will cleanse the earth of all other nations. That's why they're all so polite- they know we're all doomed eventually. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=643# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | [[Marten, Faye, and Dora enter a bar]] / Marten: Oh hey, Jimbo's here.
/ Faye: Well you go have fun talkin' to him. I'll be at the other end of the bar, where it smells less like chewing tobacco and asphalt.
/ Dora: C'mon, you gotta give him a little credit for trying to mask it with that gallon of Old Spice. / [[Marten approaches Jimbo]]
/ Marten: Hey Jimbo, how're you doing?
/ Jimbo: Hey buddy, not too bad. Got me a new gig writing fantasy novels now. First one's gonna be titled "March of the Sword-Princess Leihaephaera". / [[Marten sits and orders a beer]]
/ Marten: Wow, how do you spell that?
/ Jimbo: No fuckin' clue. Lotsa A's and E's, I guess. But it sounds cool. An' I still got to figure out what exactly a sword-princess it. I'm guessin' it's like a regular princess, only she has a couple bitchin' swords she used to chop up shit. And maybe a pet tiger-samurai or something? I'm still workin' out the details. / Marten: So basically the rule for writing a fantasy novel is if it would look totally sweet airbrushed on the side of a van, it'll make a good fantasy novel?
/ Jimbo: Exactly. If Tolkien was alive today he'd just cruise around in a '78 Ram with the Eye of Sauton painted on the hood. One van To Rule Them All, One Van To Find Them! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=644 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | [[Martin, Faye, and Dora enter their normal bar]]
/ Martin: Oh hey, Jimbo's here.
/ Faye: Well you go have fun talkin' to him. I'll be at the other end of the bar, where it smells less like chewing tobacco and asphalt.
/ Dora: C'mon, you gotta give him a little credit for trying to mask it with that gallon of Old Spice. / [[Martin approaches Jimbo at the bar, who has a glass of dark brown liquid in front of him]]
/ Martin: Hey Jimbo, how're you doing?
/ Jimbo: Hey buddy, not too bad. Got me a new gig writing fantasy novels now. First one's gonna be titled "March of the Sword-Princess Leihaephaera". / [[Redhead female bartender brings Martin a green bottle of beer, as Martin sits at the bar and indicates "1" with his index finger.]]
/ Martin: Wow, how do you spell that?
/ Jimbo: No fuckin' clue. Lotsa A's and E's, I guess. But it sounds cool. An' I still got to figure out what exactly a sword-princess is. I'm guessin' it's like a regular princess, only she has a couple bitchin' swords she uses to chop up shit. And maybe a pet tiger-samurai or something? I'm still workin' out the details. / [[Martin sips his bottle of beer. Jimbo raises his glass to have a drink of his dark brown liquid.]]
/ Martin: So basically the rule for writing a fantasy novel is if it would look totally sweet airbrushed on the side of a van, it'll make a good fantasy novel?
/ Jimbo: Exactly. If Tolkien was alive today he'd just cruise around in a '78 Ram with the Eye of Sauron painted on the hood. One Van To Rule Them All, One Van To Find Them! / {{title text: Number 644: That's Either Guinness Or Chocolate Milk}} http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=644# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | [[Dora and Feya sitting at the cornner of the local bar looking at them from above, jukebox and empty table with no chairs behind along the wall. Dora has two empty glasses in front of her and she is woking on a third drink]]
/ Dora: Whoa Faye, you're hitting it a little hard tonight.
/ Faye: If I get drunk enough I won't be worried 'bout my therapis tomorrow.
/ Dora: If you get drunk enough you'll be too hung over to GO to your therapist tomorrow / [[Bartender enters left to Dora and Feya]]
/ Dora: Oh shit, she's onto my cunning plan. Bartender! Another double, please.
/ Faye: I'll have one too, thanks. / [[Close up of the two]]
/ Dora: What? You don't even drink whiskey straight.
/ Faye: I do now. For every drink you have, I'm gonna have one too.
/ Dora: No way! You've got like a tenth my alcohol tolerance, it'll kill you.
/ Faye: Goodness, that would be AWFUL, wouldn't it? I guess you better do easy on the sauce tonight then. / [[Marten walks into the sene from the left]]
/ Marten: Hey girls, whatcha talkin' about?
/ Faye: Dora just guilt-tripped me so hard I think I'm Catholic now.
/ Dora: You've got guilt and alcohol down, you're two thirds of the way there. Now all you have to do is arm-wrestle the Pope and you're in! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=645 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Dora; Whoa Faye, you're hitting it a little hard tonight.
/ Faye; If I get drunk enough I won't be worried 'bout my therapist tomorrow.
/ Dora; If you get drunk enough you'll be too hung over to GO to your therapist tomorrow. / Faye; Oh shit, she's onto my cunning plan. Bartender! Anthoer double, please.
/ Dora; I'll have one too, thanks. / Faye; What? You don't ever drink whiskey straight.
/ Dora; I do now. For every drink you have, I'm gonna have one too.
/ Faye; No way! You've got like a tenth my alcohol tolerance, it'll kill you.
/ Dora; Goodness, that would be AWFUL, wouldn't it? I guess you better go easy on the sauce tonight then. / Marten; Hey girls, whatcha talkin' about?
/ Faye; Dora just guilt-tripped me so hard I think I'm Catholic now.
/ Dora; you've got guilt and alcohol down, you're two thirds of the way there. Now all you have to do is arm-wrestle the Pope and you're in! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=645# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Dora: My plan seems to have...backfireded.
/ Faye: Well I told you I was going to go easy on the booze like you wanted, but four drinks for me is prob'ly three too many for you. / Marten: I'll be right back with some water for you two. Try not to befoul the apartment while I'm in the kitchen.
/ Dora: Does farting count? I'm a lil' gassy.
/ Faye: Ugh, thank God the only thing I can smell right now is bourbon. / Faye: Marty, the couch is moving! Make it stop!
/ Dora: Yeah, it's making me nauseous!
/ < http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=646 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | [[Dora, Faye and Marten drunkenly walking into the apartment]]
/ Dora: My plan seems to have....backfireded.
/ Faye: Well I told you I was gonna go easy on the booze like you wanted, but four drinks for me is prob'ly three drinks too many for you. / Marten: I'll be right back with some water for you two. Try not to befoul the apartment while I'm in the kitchen.
/ Dora: Does farting count? I'm a lil' gassy.
/ Faye: Ugh, thank God the only thing I can smell right now is bourbon. / [[Marten is in the kitchen and hears the girls yelling from the living room and a loud whizzing noise.]]
/ Faye: Marty, the couch is moving! Make it stop!
/ Dora: Yeah, it's making me nauseous!
/ < http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=646# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | [inside Marten and Faye's apartment]
/ Dora: My plan seems to have...backfired.
/ Faye: Well I told you I was gonna go easy on the booze like you wanted, but four drinks for me is prob'ly three drinks too many for you. / Marten: I'll be right back with some water for you two. Try not to befoul the apartment while I'm in the kitchen.
/ Dora: Does farting count? I'm a lil' gassy.
/ Faye: Ugh, thank God the only thing I can smell right now is bourbon. / Dora(?): Marty, the couch is moving! Make it stop!
/ Faye(?): Yeah, it's making me nauseous!
/ Marten: Christ, "the couch is moving"? They're drunker than I thought. And what the hell is that noise? / [robot arms are moving the couch about]
/ Dora: Now I know what a soda can feels like when you drop it down the stairs! Hurrp!
/ Faye: For fuck's sake get us down from here!
/ Marten: What the hell ass balls?!
/ Pintsize: I know, isn't it awesome? Wait'll the spinners and neon lights com in next week! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=647 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | [[Marten walks into the apartment, Faye is sitting on the couch]]
/ Faye: Back already? Did you walk her all the way home or just drop her off with a friendly hobo for the night?
/ Marten" Nah, she's hom and probably out cold by now. / Faye: Y'know, you didn't HAVE to take Dora home. She coulda stayed here with you.
/ Marten: Oh, well she...I mean, we didn't...aw hell, I'll be honest. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. / Faye: Marty, long as I don't have to watch you two makin' out or hear humpin' noises through the wall I think I can handle it. I'd much rather have you be at ease 'n happy instead of you two bein' all uncomfortable with me around.
/ Faye: I appreciate the gesture, though.
/ Marten: Well you're welcome, Faye...I'm just tryin' to keep this as non-weird as it can be, you know?
/ Faye: I know. I do have one small request for the future.
/ Marten: Yeah? What is it? / Faye: Could you please NOT hide your condoms in the couch?
/ Marten: This is going to sound like a bald-faced lie, but those are actually Pintsize's.
/ Pintsize: No, those aren't mine. I'd never buy lambskin. Too creepy.
/ Faye: Well they're certainly not mine, so either one of you is lying or we've got a condom-poltergeist.
/ Marten: Let's just hope it doesn't take after Slimer from Ghostbusters. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=647# |
| Are you my mommy? | Marten: Morning, Faye
/ Faye: There's more pancakes in the kitchen if you want some. / Marten: So when do you go see your psychiatrist today?
/ Faye: The appointment's in about an hour.
/ Marten: You nervous? / Faye: Yeah. I hate the first appointment with a new therapist. It's always like "so, what brings you here today?" and I never know how to sum up the myriad things that are wrong or bothering me or whatever.
/ Faye: I mean, am I just supposed to say "Hi, my name is Faye and my dad blew his own head off in front of me?" / Marten: Oh totally. In fact, I think you should get some business cards made with that printed on them.
/ Faye: Oh man! I could give them to people I'd just met and when they finished reading it I'd just STARE at 'em and go "do...do you still have a dad?"
/ Marten: Exactly. The first step towards recovery is to turn your personal tragedy into a weapon for making others horribly uncomfortable. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=648 |
| Number 648: Are You My Mommy? | [[Marten's apartment. Faye is poking at a plate presumably containing a pancake and wearing the perhaps-a-spider red shirt. Marten has his two colors mixing shirt.]]
/ Marten: Morning, Faye.
/ Faye: There's more pancakes in the kitchen if you want some. / [[Faye carries a plate to the kitchen which has what might be jam on it.]]
/ Marten: So when do you go see your psychiatrist today?
/ Faye: The appointment's in about an hour.
/ Marten: You nervous? / [[In the kitchen]]
/ Faye: Yeah. I hate the first appointment with a new therapist. It's always like "so, what brings you here today?" and I never know how to sum up the myriad things that are wrong or bothering me or whatever.
/ Faye: I mean, am I supposed to say "Hi, my name is Faye and when I was younger my dad blew his own head off in front of me?" / Marten: Oh totally. In fact, I think you should get some business cards made with that printed on them.
/ Faye: Oh man! I could give them to people I'd just met and when they finished reading it i'd[SIC] just STARE at 'em and go "do...do you still have a dad?"
/ Marten: Exactly. The first step towards recovery is to turn your personal tragedy into a weapon for making others horribly uncomfortable. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=648# |
| Questionable Content 649: Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge On Seattle | Dr. Corrine: Hi, are you Faye? I'm Dr. Buenavida. You can just call me Corrine, or Doctor Corrine if you want.
/ Faye: Oh uh hi, yes I'm Faye.
/ Dr. Corrine: Nice to meet you, Faye. Come on in and sit down. / Dr. Corrine: So! What brings you here today?
/ Faye: When I was younger, my dad shot himself in front of me and didn't leave a note or any explanation as to why. Then I had a total nervous breakdown and may or may not have tried to kill myself, I can't remember.
/ Faye: Now I'm living with a boy who I probably would have ended up dating if not for emotional scarring, and now that boy is dating my best female friend who is also my boss. / Dr. Corrine: Okay then! You need a lobotomy! Hang on while I go get my brain spoon and some local anaesthetic. Which eye is your dominant one? I usually like to go in through the other eye socket.
/ Faye: W-what? / Dr. Corrine: I'm joking, silly.
/ Faye: Do you do that to ALL your patients?
/ Dr. Corrine: Nah, with some of them I'm only half-joking. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=649 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | [[Faye sits in a waiting room reading a magazine and a woman walks in]]
/ Dr. Buenvenida: Hi, are you Faye? I'm Dr. Buenvenida. You can just call me Corrine, or Doctor Corrine, if you want.
/ Faye: Oh uh hi, yes I'm Faye.
/ Dr. Buenvenida: Nice to meet you, Faye. Come on in and sit down.
/
/ [[Faye sits on a couch in the Doctor's office and the Doctor sits across from her in a chair]]
/ Dr. Buenvenida: So! What brings you here today?
/ Faye: When I was younger, my dad shot himself in front of me and didn't leave a note or any kind of explanation as to why. Then I had a total nervous breakdown and may or may not have tried to kill myself, I can't remember.
/ Dr. Buenvenida: Now I'm living with a boy who I probably would have ended up dating if not for my emotional scarring, and now that boy is dating my best female friend who is also my boss. / [[Dr. Buenvenida stands]]
/ Dr. Buenvenida: Okay then! You need a lobotomy! Hang on while I go get my brain spoon and some local anaesthetic. Which eye is your dominant one? I usually like to go in through the other eye socket.
/ Faye: W-what?" / Dr. Buenvenida: I'm joking, silly.
/ Faye: Do you do that to ALL of your patients?
/ Dr. Buenvenida: Nah, with some of them I'm only half-joking. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=649# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Marten: Man, what's with the crowd? / Marten: Dora! What are all these people doing in here?
/ Dora: I have no idea! It's been like this ever since we opened!
/ Marten: Where's Raven? Are you here by yourself? / Dora: She went to give somebody their order 10 minutes ago and I haven't seen her since.
/ Marten: Hey, people! If you see a chick with a lip piercing and short black hair near you, could you pass her up to the counter? / Marten: Aw crap, we got the wrong one.
/ Dora: The girl we're looking for has bigger boobs, people! Bigger boobs!
/ Small Boob Look-Alike: Hey! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=650 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | martin: man, what's with the crowd? dora! what are all these people doing in here?
/ dora: i have no idea! it's been like this ever since we opened!
/ martin: where's raven? are you here by yourself?
/ dora: she went to give somebody their order ten minutes ago and i haven't seen her since!
/ martin: hey, people! if you see a chick with a lip piercing and short black hair near you, could you pass her up to the counter? aw crap, we got the wrong one.
/ dora: the girl we're looking for has bigger boobs people! bigger boobs!
/ raven lookalike: hey! http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=650# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | I'd like a grande mocha, please. / You mean a "large". This isn't Italy and we aren't in Starbucks. / HAHAHA, YES! Did you see that? She totally sassed me! This place is awesome! / That's...not the usual response my contempt-ray provokes. What gives? / Haven't you heard? You guys got an awesome review in this week's issue of Alternative Rag! / Huh? Gimme that. / "Bitchy Barista Babes Brandish A Bevy of Breathtaking Bean Blends"? What, do they pay their writers overtime for alliteration? / Haha, sweet! She did it again! / If I hit on you, will you punch me in the arm? / Sass me next! Sass me! / This must be what Mark Hamill feels like in sci-fi conventions. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=651 |
| Questionable Content: Number 651: Doin' The Force Choke | Male Customer 1; I'd like a grande mocha, please.
/ Dora; You mean a "large". This isn't Italy and we aren't starbucks. / Male Customer 1; Hahaha, YES! Did you see that? She totally sassed me! This place is awesome!
/ Dora; That's...not the usual response my contempt-ray provokes. What gives? / Male Customer 1; Haven't you heard? You guys got an awsome review in this week's issue of Local Alternative Rag!
/ Dora; Huh? Gimme that. / Dora; "bitchy Barista Babes Brandish A Bevy of Breathtaking Bean Blends"? What, do they pay their writers overtime for alliteration?
/ Male Customer 1; Haha, sweet! She did it again!
/ Male Customer 2; If I hit on will you punch me in the arm?
/ Female Customer; Sass me next! Sass me!
/ Dora; This must be what mark hamill feels like at sci-fi conventions. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=651# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Faye: ....So that's the long version of the story.
/ Dr. Buenvenida: Well, I'm impressed with how you've coped thus far. It takes a strong person to deal with that kind of tragedy. / Faye: That's just it, I'm NOT strong. I'm just good at burying things. I've been doing it for years now. It's like I'm stuck halfway between grief and recovery and I can't go in either direction.
/ Dr. Buenvenida: Well, thereapy is a positive step. You've got a ways to go, but I think with time we can make real progress. / Faye: You know, it's funny. Prior to telling Marty about all this I couldn't talk about it at all. It's easier now, though.
/ Dr. Buenvenida: From what you tell me, it sounds like he's been very good for you.
/ Faye: He has! He's been paitient and supportive and understanding, which just makes it harder now that he's dating Dora. Even if I could return his kindness, he's found someone else. / Dr. Buenvenida: Didn't you just say you'd "probably have ended up dating" him? It sounds like you want to do a little more than just "return his kindness."
/ Faye: Goodness Doctor, your powers of insight are utterly staggering to behold. Next you'll be telling me that I miss my dad.
/ Dr. Buenvenida: Does this Rorschach resemble anyting to you? http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=652 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Faye: ....So that's the long version of the story.
/ Dr. Buenvenida: Well, I'm impressed with how you've coped thus far. It takes a strong person to deal with that kind of tragedy. / Faye: That's just it, I'm NOT stong. I'm just good at burying things. I've been doing it for years now. It's like I'm stuck halfway between grief and recovery and I can't go in either direction.
/ Dr. Buenvenida: Well, therapy is a positive step. You've got a ways to go, but I think with time we can make real progress. / Faye: You know, it's funny. Prior to telling Marty about all this I couldn't talk about it at all. It's easier now, though.
/ Dr. Buenvenida: From what you tell me, it sounds like he's been very good for you.
/ Faye: He has! He's been patient and supportive and understanding, which just makes it harder now that he's dating Dora. Even if I could return his kindness, he's found someone else. / Dr. Buenvenida: Didn't you say you'd "probably have ended up dating" him? It sounds like you want to do a little more than just "return his kindness".
/ Faye: Goodness Doctor, your powers of insight are utterly staggering to behold. Next you'll be telling me that I miss my dad.
/ Dr. Buenvendia: Does this Rorscach resemble anything to you?
/ [[Dr. Buenvenida holds up a sign that says "NO SARCASM PLEASE"]] http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=652# |
| Number 653: That Is A Happy Cactus | Dora: Ah, THERE you are.
/ Raven: I'm sorry! I got distracted!
/ Marten: I found her in the corner, surrounded by boys.
/ Dora: Back to your post at the espresso machine unless you want thirty lashes!
/ Raven: Yes ma'am! / Dora: So I found the cause of our sudden surge in popularity. We got a positive writup in the local paper!
/ Marten: Aw man, now you're too mainstream for me to come here anymore. / Dora: Har har. Seriously though. this is a big deal! Can you see the little dollar signs in my pupils? Those little dollar signs represent PROFITS.
/ Marten: Really? I thought they were just little novelty contact lenses. / Dora: C'mon, aren't you the least bit excited?
/ Marten: Well yeah, I'm happy for you, but now I have to wait in line for my drinks and you'll be too busy to talk to me anymore.
/ Dora: Don't be silly. Preferential treatment of boyfriends and disdain for paying customers is part of the "Coffee of Doom experience"!
/ Customer: I'm here for the indifference as much as the espresso. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=653 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | {{Title text: Number 653: That Is A Happy Cactus}} / Dora: Ah, THERE you are.
/ Marten: I found her in the corner, surrounded by boys.
/ Raven: I'm sorry! I got distracted!
/ Dora: Back to your post at the espresso machine unless you want thirty lashes!
/ Raven: Yes ma'am! / Dora: So I found the cause of our sudden surge in popularity. We got a positive writeup in the local paper!
/ Marten: Aw man, now you're too mainstream for me to come here anymore. / Dora: Har har. Seriously though, this is a big deal! Can you see the little dollar signs in my pupils? Those little dollar signs represent PROFITS.
/ Marten: Really? I thought they were just novelty contact lenses. / Dora: C'mon, aren't you the least bit excited?
/ Marten: Well yeah, I'm happy for you, but now I have to wait in line for my drinks and you'll be too busy to talk to me anymore.
/ Dora: Don't be silly. Preferential treatment of boyfriends and disdain for paying customers is part of the "Coffee of Doom experience"!
/ Customer: I'm here for the indifference as much as the espresso. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=653# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | [[Very crowded coffee of doom]]
/ Faye: Hey Dora. What's goin' on?
/ Dora: Faye! How was your therapy session?
/ Faye: Not bad. Seriously though what the heck-butt is up with this crowd? /
/ [[Close up on Faye and Dora, Faye is holding a newspaper]]
/ Dora: We got a write-up in the paper! According to them, we're the new "hip/not-hip place to fulfill your caffeine jones." Whatever that means.
/ Faye: But we hate people.
/ Dora: That's just it- they LIKE that! People have been coming in all day actively soliciting abuse! / Faye: So...you're saying our customers WANT us to be mean to them?
/ Dora: Apparently.
/ Faye: And the meaner we are, the better it is for business?
/ Dora: It would seem so. / [[Minutes later, Dora, Raven and Marten are standing at the counter, Faye is off to the side of the panel, laughing hysterically]]
/ Raven: Dora, Faye's been laughing maniacally for like ten minutes now. It's starting to freak me out.
/ Dora: I'm more worried about wat'll happen when she eventually STOPS laughing and gets down to business.
/ Marten: I dunno, I'm kind of looking forward to it. I've never seen someone actually burst into flame from ridicule before. / {{Number 654: Oh Dear}} http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=654 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Faye: Hey Dora. What's goin' on?
/ Dora: Faye! How was your therapy session?
/ Faye: Not bad. Seriously though what the heck-butt is up with this crowd? / Dora: We got a write-up in the paper! According to them, we're the new "hip/not-hip place to fulfill your caffeine jones." Whatever that means.
/ Faye: But we hate people.
/ Dora: That's just it- they LIKE that! People have been coming in all day actively soliciting abuse! / Faye: So...you're saying our customers WANT us to be mean to them?
/ Dora: Apparently.
/ Faye: And the meaner we are, the better it is for business?
/ Dora: It would seem so. / Faye [[Off panel]]: HAHAHA AAH BWAHAHAHA
/ Raven: Dora, Faye's been laughing maniacally for like ten minutes now. It's starting to freak me out.
/ Dora: I'm more worried about what'll happen when she eventually STOPS laughing and gets down to business.
/ Marten: I dunno, I'm kind of looking forward to it. I've never seen someone acctually burst into flame from ridicule before. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=654# |
| In Her Element | Soccer-Momlet: Do you guys have, like, Frappucinos?
/ Faye: Do you, like, see a sign saying "Starbucks" outside? No.
/ Fratboy: What kind of shitty coffee shop doesn't have Frappucinos?
/ Faye: Not one that takes kindly to meathead fratboys or their soccer-momlet girlfriends, I guess. Begone with ye! Back to the Old Navy from whence you came! / Pierced-Dude: Haha, way to make fun of those preppy assholes.
/ Faye: Haha, way to enjoy listening to a band with more words in their name than original guitar riffs in their discography. Did your ear piercings happen on purpose or did you just take a couple pucks to the head at an NHL game? / Faye: Oh come one. This isn't shooting fish in a barrel, this is dropping a tactical nuke on a bucket full of carp. Just get your drink and leave. / Dora: So how's it going, Faye?
/ Faye: I've been making fun of people all day! If I smile any wider the top of my head will fall off!
/ Dora: Wait'll you see the tip jar. I haven't seen that many tear-stained dollar bills since dad hired a stripper for my uncle's funeral. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=655 |
| Questionable Content: Number 655: In Her Element | Soccer-momlet; Do you guys have, like, Frappucinos?
/ Faye; Did you, like, see a sign saying "starbucks" outside? No.
/ Meathead fratboy; What kind of shitty coffee shop doesn't have Frappucinos?
/ Faye; Not on that takes kindly to meathead fratboys or their soccer-momlet girlfriends, I guess. Begone with ye! Back to Old Navy from whence you came! / Emo kid; Haha, way to make fun of those preppy assholes.
/ Faye; Haha, way to enjoy listening to a band with more words in their name then original guitar riffs in their discography.Did your piercings happen on purpose or did you just take a couple of pucks to the head at an NHL game? / Goth girl;
/ Faye; Oh come on. This isn't shooting fish in a barrel, this is dropping a tactical nuke on a bucket full ofcarp. Just get your drink and leave. / Dora; So how's it going, Faye?
/ Faye; I've been making fun of people all day! If I smile any wider the top of my head will fall off!
/ Dora; Wait'll you see the tip jar. I haven't seen that many tear-stained dollar bills since dad hired a stripper for my uncle's funeral. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=655# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Faye: Hey! Lady with the fat ankles! Your latte is read, and those capris are REALLY unflattering on you!
/ Marten: Man, I can't remember the last time I saw Faye so cheeful.
/ Dora: She feeds on the unhappiness of others. She's an Insult Vampire. / Marten: Do you think it's gonna stay this busy from now on?
/ Dora: It'll probably calm down to some extent, but at this rate I'm gonna have to hire another girl just to keep up with what business we keep. / Marten: Does it have to be a girl? I look pretty good in drag and I'm unemployed.
/ Dora: Sorry sweetie, that'd be like getting your name tattooed on my arm. It'd guarantee us a horrible breakup. / Marten: Hm, I guess I should have asked you before getting "DORA" tattooed in big block letters on my left asscheek.
/ Dora: I was wondering why you winced when I grabbed you there last night.
/ Marten: Actually that was just you grabbin' too hard. I have a bony ass.
/ Dora: Among other things.
/ Faye: I WILL turn the hose on you two. I will go to the hardware store and purchase a hose. Then I will come back here, hook it up to the faucet, and turn it on you. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=656 |
| Number 656: Hosiery | [[Takes place behind the bar at the coffee shop. Dora with black tank top, Faye with the maybe-a-spider red thing, and Marten with two color blobs. Extras in the third panel include 'girl in cute white dress with blue hair' and some other girl.]] / Faye: Hey! Lady with teh fat ankles! Your latte is ready, and those capris are REALLY unflattering on you!
/ Marten: Man, I can't remember the last time I saw Faye so cheerful.
/ Dora: She feeds on the unhappiness of others. She's an Insult Vampire. / Marten: Do you think it's gonna stay this busy from now on?
/ Dora: It'll probably calm down to some extent, but at this rate I'm gonna have to hire another girl just to keep up with what business we keep. / Marten: Does it have to be a girl? I look pretty good in drag and I'm unemployed.
/ Dora: Sorry sweetie, that'd be like getting you name tattooed on my arm. It'd guarantee us a horrible breakup. / Marten: Hm, I guess I should have asked you before getting "DORA" tattooed in big block letters on my left asscheek.
/ Dora: I was wondering why you winced when I grabbed you there last night.
/ Marten: Actually that was just you grabbin' too hard. I have a bony ass.
/ Dora: Among other things.
/ [[Faye points and glares]]
/ Faye: I WILL turn the hose on you two. I will go to the hardware store and purchase a hose. The I will come back here, hook it up to the faucet, and turn it on you. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=656# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Faye: So what's this I hear about us hiring another employee?
/ Raven: I think we should get to help you pick one!
/ Dora: Hang on, this isn't for sure. I'm just thinkin' about it, that's all. / [Faye punches palm of one hand with other fist]
/ Faye: Any future employees must run a gauntlet of punches and hot drinks being poured on them. Also there will be a karaoke competition.
/ Raven: We should hire a cute boy! There's too many girls around here as it is.
/ Dora: I SAID I was only thinking about it, guys. / Faye: No, we can't hire a dude. We have a reputation to maintain now! Besides, a boy would never survive The Gauntlet. Too many sensitive man-parts to be kicked and then have coffee poured on them.
/ Dora: I'm pretty sure that violates both equal-opportunity laws and the Geneva Convention.
/ Raven: Hire a cute enough boy and he can run MY gauntlet anytime.
/ Faye: THAT violates both sexual harassment laws and the Poorly-Worded Innuendo Act of 1918.
/ Raven: The what? / Faye: World War One was actually started when a German dude told a French lady he wanted to "invade her Alsace" and it got taken WAY out of context. The assassination of Franz Ferdinand came after.
/ Raven: Franz Ferdinand, eh? I bet--
/ Dora: If you make any awful jokes about the BAND Franz Ferdinand I'll be looking to hire TWO new employees. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=657 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | [[This is the first time we see Raven's green cactus shirt. Faye is wearing a red shirt with what might be a spoider in a white circle, and Dora is wearing a black tank top AGAIN. This takes place behind the bar at the coffee shop. Dora has a clipboard in panels 1 and 3, but not in 2 and 4.]] / Faye: So what's this I hear about us hiring another employee?
/ Raven: I think we should get to help you pick one!
/ Dora: Hang on, this isn't for sure. I'm just thinkin' about it, that's all. / Faye: Any future employees must run a guantlet of punches and hot drinks being poured on them. Also there will be a karaoke competition.
/ Raven: We should hire a cute boy! There's too many girls around here as it is.
/ Dora: I SAID I was only thinking about it, guys. / Faye: No, we can't hire a dude. We have a reputation to maintain now! Besides, a boy would never survive The Gauntlet. Too many sensitive man-parts to be kicked and then have coffee poured on them.
/ Dora: I'm pretty sure that violates both equal-opportunity laws and the Geneva convention.
/ Raven: Hire a cute enough boy and he can run MY gauntlet anytime.
/ Faye: THAT violates both sexual harassment laws and the Poorly-Worded Innuendo Act of 1918.
/ Raven: The what? / Faye: World War One was actually started when a German dude told a French lady he wanted to "invade her Alsace" and it got taken WAY out of context. The assassination of Franz Ferdinand came after.
/ Raven: Franz Ferdinand, eh? I bet-
/ Dora: If you make any awful jokes about the BAND Franz Ferdinand I'll be looking to hire TWO new employees. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=657# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | {{#658: Put 'Em On The Glass}}
/ [[Natasha and amir enters the cafe and martin is sitting]]
/ Natasha: Wow, is it always this busy in here?
/ Amir: Hey dude! Ellen told us we might be able to find you here.
/ Martin: Oh hey guys, what's up? / [[Martin stands up]]
/ Amir: I got the night off work, wanna go rock out?
/ Martin: Sure, I don't have any plans. I lost my job yesterday so I'm pretty much free whenever as long as you let me know in advance.
/ Natasha: Ae man, that's rough. Want me to see if I can get you a gig at the campus library? I think we're hiring now. / Martin: You think they'd hire a non-student?
/ Natasha: You're marginally less likely to show up to work drunk, so you've already got one up in the student population.
/ Amir: Wait, aren't YOU the one who keeps showing up drunk? / Natasha: Well, I won't be any more. They caught me passed out topless on the copy-machine. I apparently went through a whole ream of paper. That's kinda why tyhey're hiring now.
/ Amir: Did you at least keep any of the printouts? Those'd make kickass flyer for our first show.
/ Martin: "Playing tonight: Deathmole! With opening act Smooshed Titties!" http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=658 |
| Number 658: Put 'Em On The Glass | [[Takes place in the coffee shop, outside the restrooms]]
/ Nat: Wow, is it always this busy in here?
/ Amir: Hey dude! Ellen told us we might be able to find you here.
/ Marten: Oh hey guys, what's up? / Amir: I got the night off work, wanna go rock out?
/ Marten: Sure, I don't have any plans. I lost my job yesterday so I'm pretty much free whenever as long as you let me know in advance.
/ Nat: Aw man, that's rough. Want me to see if I can get you a gig at the campus library? I think we're hiring now. / Marten: You think they'd hire a non-student?
/ Nat: You're marginally less likely to show up to work drunk, so you've already got one up on the student population.
/ Amir: Wait, aren't YOU the one who keeps showing up drunk? / Nat: Well, I won't be any more. They caught me passed out topless ont the copy-machine. I apparently went through a whole ream of paper. That's kinda why they're hiring now.
/ Amir: Did you at least keep any of the printouts? Those'd make kickass flyers for our first show.
/ Marten: "Playing tonight: Deathmøle! With opening act Smooshed Titties!" http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=658# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Martin: Hey girls, I'm gonna go practice with Amir and Natasha. I'll see you later, okay?
/ Faye: Nooo, don't leave us! I need you to provide an alibi in case I kill someone!
/ Dora: Have fun sweetie. / Natasha: "Sweetie"? Are you gettin' some hot goth booty in the coffeeshop?
/ Martin: Oh uh did Ellen not tell you? Dora and I are going out now.
/ Akil: Aw man, so we don't even have ONE single dude in the band now? Sexual tension is a key ingredient in making rockin' music! / Natasha: I could always stop having sex with you.
/ Akil: Whoa whoa, let's not get CRAZY hgere, I was just sayin'.
/ Martin: Whatever, as long as you two odn't start writing cheesy Mates of State style love songs to each other I won't complain. / < http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=659 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | PANEL 1
/ Marten: Hey girls, I'm gonna go practice with Amir and Natasha. I'll see you later, okay?
/ Faye: Nooo, don't leave us! I need you to provide an alibi in case I kill someone!
/ Dora: Have fun sweetie.
/ PANEL 2
/ Natasha: "Sweetie"? Are you gettin' some hot goth booty in the coffeeshop?
/ Marten: Oh uh did Ellen not tell you? Dora and I are going out now.
/ Amir: Aw man, so we don't even have ONE single dude in the band now? Sexual tension is a key ingredient in making rockin' music.
/ PANEL 3
/ Natasha: I could always stop having sex with you.
/ Amir: Whoa whoa, let's not get CRAZY here, I was just sayin'
/ Marten: Whatever, as long as you two don't start writing cheesy Mates of State style love songs to each other I won't complain.
/ PANEL 4
/ Natasha: I kicked you in the face in a moooooosh piiiiit
/ Amir: You gave me back my tooth and I thought "this is it!"
/ Natasha: Now we're in love, oh yes it's true
/ Natasha and Amir: The only one I want kickin' my face is youuuuuu!
/ Marten: Great. Now would I play a guitar solo at that point, or just lead the crowd in a mass retch-along? http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=659# |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | Pintsize: Hey guys! What's up?
/ Marty: I'm Just grabbin' my guitar and amp so we can go practice. / Pintsize: I still think I should be in the band as the drum machine.
/ Marty: And I think you'd just try to molest Nat's keyboard. / Nat: My keyboard is way more woman than you could handle, little man.
/ Pintsize: You maen it's fat? Or is it one of those vintage Moog synths. I don't go for MILFs. / Nat: I didn't know it was possible to be sexist towards a musical instrument.
/ Marty: I dunno. I alawys figured that guitars resent the whole phallic-symbol association.
/ Pinsize: If a guitard is a phallic symbol and keyboards are female, does that mean keytars are hermaphrodites? Hot. http://questionablecontent.net./view.php?comic=660 |
| Questionable Content #660: It's Been a Long Weekend | [[Marten enters the apartment with Nat in tow, slightly off-panel.]]
/ Pintsize: Hey guys! What's up?
/ Marten: I'm just grabbin' my guitar and amp so we can go practice. / Pintsize: I still think I should be in the band as the drum machine.
/ Marten: And I think you'd just try to molest Nat's keyboard.
/ Pintsize: Why, is it hot? / [[Marten starts to wander off panel, towards his room, while Nat continues the conversation.]]
/ Natasha: My keyboard is way more woman than you could handle, little man.
/ Pintsize: You mean it's fat? Or is it one of those vintage Moog synths. I don't go for MILF's. / [[Marten turns back to the two of them.]]
/ Natasha: Wow, I didn't know it was possible to be sexist towards a musical instrument.
/ Marten: I dunno, I always figured that guitars resent the whole phallic-symbol association.
/ Pintsize [[mostly to himself]]: If a guitar is a phallic symbol and keyboards are female, does that mean keytars are hermaphrodites? Hot. http://questionablecontent.net//view.php?comic=660 |
| Questionable Content: New comics every Monday through Friday | {{Number 660: It's Been A Long Weekend}} / [[Pintsize stands on the back of the couch as Marten and Natasha enter the room]]
/ Pintsize: Hey guys! What's up?
/ Marten: I'm just grabbin' my guitar and amp so we can go practice. / Pintsize: I still think I should be in the bans as the drum machine.
/ Marten [[Arms crossed]]: And I tink you'd just try to molest Nat's keyboard.
/ Pintsize: Why, is it hot? / [[Marten walks to the other side of the couch. Pintsize is now sitting on the back of the couch]]
/ Natasha [[Pointing at Pintsize]]: My keyboard is way more woman than you could handle, little man.
/ Pintsize: You mean it's fat? Or is it one of those vintage Moog synths. I don't go for MILFs. / Natasha: Wow, I didn't know it was possible to be sexist towards a musical instrument.
/ Marten [[Now turned toward Pintsize and Natasha]]: I dunno, I always figured that guitars resent the whole phallic-symbol association
/ Pintsize [[Pondering]]: If a guitar is a phallic symbol and keyboards are female, does that mean keytars are hermaphrodites? Hot. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=660 |
| Questionable Content: Number 660: It's Been A Long Weekend | Pint-size; Hey guys! What's up?
/ Marten; I'm just grabbin' my guitar and amp so we can go practice. / Pint-size; I still think i should be in the band as the drum machine.
/ Marten; And i think you'd just try to molest Nat's keyboard.
/ Pint-size; Why, is it hot? / Natasha; My keyboard is way more woman then you can handle, little man.
/ Pint-size; You mean it's fat? Or is it one of those vintage Moog synths. I don't go for MILFs. / Natasha; Wow, I didn't know it was possible to be sexist towards a musical instrument.
/ Marten; I dunno, I always figured that guitars resent the whole phallic-symbol association.
/ Pint-size; If a guitar is a phallic symbol and keyboards are female, does that mean keytars are hermaphrodites? Hot. http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=660# |
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