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| Two Lumps | [[Snooch and Ebeneezer sitting in front of the couch, Snooch looking disgusted with something]]
/ Ebeneezer: What was that noise at the door?
/ Snooch: Our new neighbors left us some candy! It was gross, though.
/ Ebeneezer: *sigh* That was probably for Mom, doofus. / [[Snooch looks happy now]]
/ Snooch: Nope, it was for us! It had a label on it!
/ Ebeneezer: They just moved in. How could they know our names?
/ Snooch: Well, it said "Black Cats". I know we're really grey, but it's close enough!
/ Ebeneezer: And you ate all of this, er, "candy"?
/ Snooch: Yup! / [[Ebeneezer has moved well away from Snooch now]]
/ Snooch: What?
/ Ebeneezer: Let me know next time you're going to use the litterbox, so I can make sure to be in the next state.
/ {{"Black Cat" is a brand of fireworks}} http://twolumps.net/d/20050704.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is approaching Snooch who is lying on the couch]]
/ Ebenezer: Egads! Snooch, you're... positively slender! That new diet kibble Mom put you on is miraculous!
/ Snooch: Um, yeah. Ain't it great?
/ Ebenezer: Fantastic! Stand up so I can see if it's affected your muscle mass. / Snooch: Oh... well I uh, was about to nap, so later, okay?
/ Ebenezer: Hmm. Well you should at least get up and show Mom. I'm sure she'll give you some gooshyfood for your hard work.
/ Snooch: I'm... I'm not hungry. / Ebenezer: Ah ha. I knew it was too good to be true. So, how DID you manage to get your flab trapped IN the sofa?
/ Snooch [[struggling to pull himself out of the cushions]]: ...talent? http://twolumps.net/d/20050706.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is wearing a kana-inscribed blindfold. An insect is flying over his head]]
/ Insect: You were foolish to come back to the kitchen, fat murderer. The flying cockroaches have not yet forgotten your crimes. / Insect: Now you will pay for your horrible crimes. Prepare to die. / [[Snooch is grinning, the insect has disappeared]]
/ <<*MUNCH* *MUNCH* *MUNCH*>> http://twolumps.net/d/20050708.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer looking confused, one eyebrow cocked.]]
/ Ebenezer: Oh, now what the green blazes... / [[Eben stomping past destroyed litter box with litter scattered everywhere.]]
/ Ebenezer: For the love of razzum frazzum when I get my paws on that... / [[Eben angrily glaring at Snooch, lashing his tail. Snooch looking sad.]]
/ Ebenezer: No more Mexican food for you, Hiroshima Butt.
/ Snooch: Awwwww... http://twolumps.net/d/20050711.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch, wearing a wig (made of tampons tied together) and looking like a 17th century judge, looks at a potato chip on the floor]]
/ Snooch: Goodman Chip of Potatoshire, you have been found guilty of treason. Any final words before sentencing?
/ Ebenezer off panel: You're insane. / Snooch: SILENCE! The penalty for treason is DEATH! / Ebenezer watches Snooch eat the chip]]
/ Ebenezer: And the penalty for being delicious?
/ Snooch: Also death!
/ Ebenezer: What did you make that wig out of? http://twolumps.net/d/20050713.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer, wearing a beret and a paint-splotched blouse, is looking at an op-art painting]]
/ Ebenezer: In honor of today's announcement, I present my latest piece: "Dancing Spot."
/ Snooch offpanel: Me next! Me next! / Ebenezer: *sigh* My brother also decided to do a new... "work."
/ Snooch: Yay!
/ Ebenezer: A performance piece, I believe... / [[Snooch is dressed the same but very heavily splotched with paint]]
/ Snooch: I gots NIFTY SPOTS!
/ Ebenezer: No, we've been KEENSpotted!
/ Snooch: FO SHIZZLE! / < http://twolumps.net/d/20050715.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is sitting with hackles raised, looking at black particles on the floor]]
/ Ebenezer: SNOOCH! What is this all over the carpet?
/ Snooch offpanel: I been making GARLIC LOGS! / [[Ebenezer smells the particles]]
/ Ebenezer: I wasn't aware you could cook. Is this one of the ingredients? *SNIFF* *SNIFF* / [[Snooch pokes his head in, Ebenezer is laying on his back, eyes glazed]]
/ Snooch: First I ate nothing but garlic for three days...
/ Ebenezer: Yeah, I figured it out. http://twolumps.net/d/20050718.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Both cats are looking up at a box held by Mom]]
/ Mom: Look guys! Your gramma sent you some presents, even though it's HER birthday! Isn't that sweet?
/ Ebenezer: That's certainly odd. Not in line with human birthday rituals at all.
/ Snooch: YAYYY! PREZZIES! / <<*SCUFFLE* *ACK!* -THUD- *MEEEER!*>> / [[Both cats are laying flat on the floor wearing something dark]]
/ Mom: Now isn't that cute? She must've been knitting since winter to make these hoodies for you two.
/ Ebenezer: Is the woman INSANE? It's Texas in July! This is intolerable!
/ Snooch: Can't move... too hot... / Mom: Must be pretty stifling, though... I bet you boys don't even have the energy to, say, hork another hairball into my WORK SHOES...
/ Snooch: I think Mom's gone kinda evil...
/ Ebenezer: At least we trained her well. / {{Text running vertically along the right side between the first and second panels: HAPPY BIRTHDAY JANE!!!}} http://twolumps.net/d/20050720.html |
| Two Lumps | {{The mighty sabretoothed tiger surveys the landscape for a meal.}} / [[Artistic rendering of a sabertooth]] / {{The supercat leaps! Nothing tasty will escape his pointy teeth!}} / [[Artistic rendering of a sabertooth head with open mouth]] / [[Ebenezer is watching Snooch who has a can in his mouth]]
/ Ebenezer: If you succeed, we'll never want for gooshy food again. NOW CHEW, DAMMIT!
/ Snooch: OW! http://twolumps.net/d/20050722.html |
| Two Lumps | Ebenezer: You shouldn't be watching this. Horror movies give you nightmares.
/ Snooch: Zombies aren't scary!
/ TV: GRUUUUH
/ Snooch: Hee hee! / Snooch: They keep trying to eat brains! Ha ha!
/ TV: MOOOOAN
/ Snooch: He sounds like a moo cow! / Snooch: I wanna be a zombie when I grow up!
/ Ebenezer: Start practicing your moans. You won't be very scary if all you say is "meer." http://twolumps.net/d/20050725.html |
| Two Lumps | Snooch: Mom's come home! Yaaay!!!
/ Ebenezer: Just like she does every night. Truly, it's a miracle. < http://twolumps.net/d/20050727.html |
| Two Lumps | {{Continuing prior strip}}
/ [[Both cats are hiding behind the couch, only their tails showing]]
/ Voice 1 off panel: Alright, Sal, you start with the bedroom.
/ Voice 2 off panel: Right, Boss!
/ Snooch: WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO???
/ Ebenezer: We're going to hide here where it's safe and be very, very quiet. / Voice 1 off panel: Guido, help me with this television...
/ Snooch: But won't they find us?
/ Ebenezer: They'll be focusing on items they can easily pick up and carry: jewelry, electronics... / [[Hands lift the couch. Both cats' fur rises in alarm, Ebenezer runs]]
/ Voice: Hey, it's dem cats again.
/ Ebenezer: ...Mack Trucks, baby elephants...
/ Snooch: GAH! http://twolumps.net/d/20050729.html |
| Two Lumps | Mover 1: THAT ALL OF IT?
/ Mover 2: YES, BOSS. / Ebenezer: I don't believe it! They stripped the apartment absolutely bare! They even took the FOOD!
/ Snooch: WHAT?????
/
/ [[Snooch replicates Munsch's "The Scream"]] http://twolumps.net/d/20050801.html |
| Two Lumps | {{Continuing prior strip}}
/ [[Snooch is lying on his side, Ebenezer is sitting glaring to the right]]
/ Voice off panel: Hey, Guido! Start the truck!
/ Ebenezer: Monsters. Now all we can do is wait for Mom to get home and comfort her in her time of loss.
/ Snooch: Waiting? I can do that. / Voice off panel: Sal, help me catch dem cats. She'll pay a pretty penny for 'em.
/ Ebenezer (fur standing on end in alarm): HOLY BAST! WE'RE BEING CATNAPPED!
/ Snooch: Way ahead of you. Already nappin'. / [[Pair of legs are standing next to Snooch's reclining body]]
/ Voice: Rico? I think we need a bigger box.
/ Snooch: *ZZZZZZZZZZZ* http://twolumps.net/d/20050803.html |
| Two Lumps | {{Continuing prior strip}}
/ [[Both cats are shut in a cat carrier]]
/ Voice off panel: Hey, lady. We got your cats. Meet us there with the cash.
/ Ebenezer: I can't believe this! CATNAPPED! We're doomed!
/ Snooch: Don't worry, Benny. Mom will save us. / Ebenezer: We're CATS! Princes of the Earth! our ransom is sure to be astronomical!
/ Snooch: This sucks. Mom's gonna hafta sell all her stuff to get us back. / Ebenezer: Right. All her stuff that's currently in the back of this truck.
/ Snooch: WE'RE DOOMED! http://twolumps.net/d/20050805.html |
| Two Lumps | {{Continuing prior strip}}
/ [[Pair of legs standing on a step outside a door, carrying a cat carrier]]
/ <<*DING DONG*>>
/ Ebenezer: Well, this is it. Either our doom or liberation is at hand.
/ Snooch: Mom's gonna save us! I know it! / [[Mom's feet are in doorway toe to toe with other pair of feet]]
/ Voice: Hey lady, you gots da dough?
/ Mom: WHAT IN THE FIERY INFERNO IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
/ Snooch: Go Mom! Give 'em what-for!
/ Ebenezer: Er, Snooch, you might want to rethink your stance on negotiations... / [[Ebenezer and Snooch are inside the carrier]]
/ Mom: The appointment was for TOMORROW. I was supposed to BE there. Are you insane?!
/ Snooch: MOM'S IN ON IT TOO?
/ Ebenezer: Of course. She arranged the hostage situation so she could extort money from... herself... no, I still don't know what's going on here. http://twolumps.net/d/20050808.html |
| Two Lumps | [[At front door, mover holding Eben and Snooch in carrying case, talking to Mom]]
/ Mom: I made the appointment with the moving company for TOMORROW!
/ Mover: I just goes where they sends me. Oh, and packin' the cats was $200 extra.
/ Ebenezer: Wait... these guys are MOVERS?
/ Snooch: They DID move us all over the place! Up and down, left and right... / [[View from inside carrying case]]
/ Mom: WHAT? You weren't even supposed to do that--
/ Mover: Look, lady, just cough it up. Big Larry don't take no checks.
/ Ebenezer: No, it means Mom PAID these ruffians to manhandle us!
/ Snooch: Big words? / Mom: WHY YOU... FINE!!! And I hope you CHOKE ON IT!
/ Ebenezer: Sorry. Ahem. WE LIVE HERE NOW. ME ANGRY. ME GOING TO PEE ON EVERYTHING.
/ Snooch: Woooooo!!! http://twolumps.net/d/20050810.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Rap artist Snooch is in the spotlight, wearing a hat half covering his eyes and a big letter S on a neck chain]]
/ Snooch: Meer for beer! I meer for beer! Bring them chilly drinkies here! I don't slur I'm askin' clear! BEER! I meer for beer! Meer meer meer! I said meer for beer! Now you gonna get the fear! Wherever you be, you will hear me meer! Meer for Beer! / [[Snooch, hat now totally covering his eyes, stands with one paw holding a microphone, the other paw extended]] / [[Ebenezer looks at Snooch, who now looks like his regular self and is staring at a bottle]]
/ Ebenezer: Yo, M.C. Dorks-A-Lot, I thought you only drank vodka.
/ Snooch: Yeah, but nothin' rhymes with it. http://twolumps.net/d/20050812.html |
| Two Lumps | Ebenezer: There have been clanking and meowing sounds coming from the bathroom for the last ten minutes. Thither go I, to once again save my brother from whatever idiotic predicament he's landed in.
/ Ebenezer: "Sweet mercy is nobility's true badge." William Shakespeare. / Mom[off panel]: Holy mother of... Snooch, how did you get the laundry soap open?
/ Ebenezer: Alas! Mom reaches the disaster area before me. / Mom[off panel]: Christ! The baby oil too???
/ Ebenezer: "Not my &$#%ing problem." ...Dwight Eisenhower. http://twolumps.net/d/20050815.html |
| Two Lumps | < http://twolumps.net/d/20050817.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch crawling across a vast desert]]
/ Snooch: Lost for weeks in the desert, I have seeked for food in vein[[scratched out]] vayn [[scratched out]] with no luck. / Snooch: This is the end! Tell Mom... I'm sorry... for all the hairballs...
/ Ebenezer: Two things, O Meatball: / [[In the living room, food not three steps from Snooch]]
/ Ebenezer: First, the new living room isn't THAT big. And second, you could live off your gut for a month.
/ Snooch: Could not!
/ Ebenezer: Be serious. You're like a walking hump without the camel. http://twolumps.net/d/20050819.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch crawling across a vast desert]]
/ Snooch: Lost for weeks in the desert, I have seeked for food in vein[[scratched out]] vayn [[scratched out]] with no luck. / Snooch: This is the end! Tell Mom... I'm sorry... for all the hairballs...
/ Ebenezer: Two things, O Meatball: / [[In the living room, food not three steps from Snooch]]
/ Ebenezer: First, the new living room isn't THAT big. And second, you could live off your gut for a month.
/ Snooch: Could not!
/ Ebenezer: Be serious. You're like a walking hump without the camel. http://twolumps.net/d/20050819.html |
| Two Lumps | [[In front of the sofa.]]
/ Ebenezer: All right. Mom's gone to work, and she hasn't had time to childproof the new cabinets here. You know the plan?
/ Snooch: Find the cat food. Shred the bag. Eat the evidence.
/ Ebenezer: There's hope for you yet. / [[In the bathroom, Eben sits on the back of the toilet and Snooch's behind is peeking out from the cabinet beneath the sink.]]
/ Superscript: Five minutes later ...
/ Snooch: BENNY!
/ Ebenezer: She hid it in the BATHROOM? Well, points for originality, I guess ...
/ Snooch: Uh, it's not the food, but I found somethin', all right ... / [[Eben and Snooch stare at a mysterious portal ringed with mysterious symbols. {{The portal from the Silent Hill games}}]]
/ Ebenezer: Where in the heck did we move to, anyway?
/ Snooch: Is it some kinda toy?
/ Ebenezer: Ring-Around-the-Apocalypse, maybe. http://twolumps.net/d/20050822.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch leaps into the Silent Hill portal.]]
/ Ebenezer: Mom's going to have a heart attack when she sees this. Let's get back and--
/ Snooch: Whee! I'm gonna see the Whizzer of Paws!
/ Ebenezer: *sigh* Wait for me, fuzzbrain. / [[Both cats falling down a long tunnel]]
/ Ebenezer: Who knows what fantasy realm we might find ourselves in? Oz, Narnia...
/ Snooch: Candyland?
/ < http://twolumps.net/d/20050824.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Silent Hill arc. Ebenezer and Snooch are walking on a path next to a fence. Barely visible through the fog is a flying creature. Beside the fence is a sign: "Welcome to Silent Hill. Pop: Don't ask"]]
/ Eben: Some magical realm this is. I can't see a blasted thing in this fog.
/ Snooch: Maybe it's Hide-and-Seek Land! / [[Close-up of both cats sitting]]
/ Eben: But of course it is. Why don't you start?
/ Snooch: Whee! Here I go, you count to a gajillion!
/ Eben: WAIT! I was being sarcastic... never mind. Just stay close. / [[The fur on both cats is standing on end. Behind them are three human-sizrd pink bunnies, wearing brown overalls, and with red blood smears on their mouths and clothing]]
/ Snooch: Eben? Are you seeing giant pink bunnies?
/ Eben: Um. Yeah.
/ Snooch: Oh good, I thought I was havin' those vodka dreams again. http://twolumps.net/d/20050826.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Silent Hill arc. Ebenezer looks at Snooch, who is walking toward him carrying a sack in his mouth]]
/ Eben: Ah, excellent. You managed to find some things that will help us?
/ Snooch: YEFF! / [[Both cats look down at the contents of the sack]]
/ Eben: So... you brought back some marbles, four pieces of string, and a WALNUT?
/ Snooch: Yep! I saw a store full of maps and guns and stuff, but it didn't seem import'nt.
/ Eben: AARGH. / [[The fur on both cats bristles as the head of a growling monster dog appears in the fog behind them]]
/ Eben: All right, it's not like we could hold a weapon anywa... do you smell something?
/ Snooch: Smells like a big dog.
/ Eben: Dog... and something else foul and wrong.
/ Snooch: Um, sorry. That was me. http://twolumps.net/d/20050829.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Silent Hill arc. The head of a droolling monstruous dog in front of a brick wall]]
/ Dog: Yes... / [[Ebenezer and Snooch walk off as the monstruous dog points]]
/ Dog: ...you go back down to the school, hang a left at the alley, and there you go. You can't miss it. Bring a matchbook and a little dolphin statue.
/ Eben: Thanks... whatever you are.
/ Snooch: BUH-BYE DROOLY DOG DUDE! / [[A veined/cracked figure approaches the monstruous dog]]
/ Figure: Hey, those were cats.
/ Dog: Yep.
/ Figure: I remember when you used to chase cats. / Dog: Yeah, well I remember a time when I could lick myself without bleeding all over everything.
/ Figure: I remember when I had arms.
/ Dog: What's your point?
/ Figure: *SIGH* Good times... http://twolumps.net/d/20050831.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer approaches Snooch, who is sitting in a box]]
/ Snooch: Benny! You know how to write, right?
/ Ebenezer: Er, correct. Do you actually want to learn something at long last?
/ Snooch: I needja to write a mailing-place thingie on here for ALASKA! / Ebenezer: You want me to mail you to Alaska?
/ Snooch: Yeah! I's gonna be a ship cat onna fishin' boat! I saw on TV, they catch fish as big as ME!
/ Ebenezer: You. On an Alaskan commercial fishing vessel. Do you have any idea what that life is like? / [[Ebenezer walks away from Snooch]]
/ Snooch: You're not gonna do it?
/ Ebenezer: Sure I am! I'm even going to teach you to write first!
/ Snooch: Really?
/ Ebenezer: Oh, when you figure this out, I wouldn't miss out on these postcards for the world. http://twolumps.net/d/20050902.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is sleeping, Snooch sticks his head in, holding an electric razor in his mouth]]
/ Snooch: Hey, Eben!
/ Ebenezer: zzz...hmm? Wha?
/ Snooch: I was watchin' this show and they had guys shavin' words about how cool they are into their hair! So if I do your fur can you do mine? / Ebenezer: Right. And you were going to put what on me?
/ Snooch: SUPA PHAT BADD KATT ICY G, yo! But then I changed my mind. / Ebenezer: I'm amazed you came to an actual logical conclusion.
/ Snooch: Well, yeah, it didn't fit.
/ Ebenezer: What?
/ [[Ebenezer covers eyes with paw as he looks at Snooch's back where the letters SUPR (the R is backwards) are shaved very big, and the letters FAT are shaved underneath]] http://twolumps.net/d/20050905.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is sitting in front of the couch, lashing his tail]]
/ Ebenezer: So to recap: You were bugging Mom and she went to get the catnip at point A, in order to shut you up.
/ Snooch off panel: Yeppers. / Ebenezer: While bringing it back, she tripped on your stuffed mouse at point B, spilling a whole box of 'nip onto and under the carpet at point C.
/ Snooch off panel: Ummmmmm. Yep. / [[Full view of room with Ebenezer looking at yellow carpet with huge lump under the middle of it]]
/ Ebenezer: And THEN what happened?
/ Snooch: Everything went dark and now I can't get out.
/ Ebenezer: So do I fetch the Jaws of Life, or just wait until Spring, when you hatch as a butterball-fly? http://twolumps.net/d/20050907.html |
| Two Lumps | [[a spider is walking across a counter while Snooch is staring off into the distance]]
/ Snooch: Man, I wish I had some gooshy food right now.
/ Spider: I know how to get lots of food! / [[Snooch sees the spider]]
/ Snooch: AAAAAAGH!
/ Spider: First you...
/ Snooch: A SPIDER!!!!!
/ Spider: Yeah, as i was saying...
/ Snooch: A SPIDER!!!!! / [[Text box for Snooch is cut off on both sides]]
/ AAAAH GOD IT'S A SPIDE
/ BIG HAIRY F!#&ING SPID
/ G ITS GONNA KILL US A
/ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
/ E'RE ALL GONNA DIE GET
/ THE POISON SPRAY EBEN / Spider: I hate cats. http://twolumps.net/d/20050909.html |
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