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| Two Lumps | [[Eben stares at Snooch, looking annoyed. Snooch's eyes are bugged out, the pupils uneven, and his fur has dirty patches all over it. For one panel, he JUST stares.]] / [[Eben begins cleaning his lower belly. Snooch's pupils become the same size.]]
/ Eben: Why were you in the fireplace?
/ Snooch: How did you kn--
/ Eben: WHY were you in the fireplace?
/ Snooch: I was trying to shut it! The news said it's BAD! / [[Eben looks at Snooch again, ears back. Snooch frowns and directs his eyes away from Eben.]]
/ Eben: It's bad?
/ Snooch: The flue sucks. I couldn't reach.
/ Eben: Ah. http://twolumps.net/d/20091113.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Presumably influenced by intense immersion in playing Dragon Age: Origins. Snooch and Ebenezer are drawn standing like Tyrannosaurus Rex]]
/ Snooch: Man, I'm freakin' huge! Like a dinosaur! / Snooch: Bigass cats / Ebenezer: Now that we're gigantic, I enjoy destroying the pitiful humans.
/ Snooch (stepping on tiny house and car): Little ants! / Ebenezer: You understand?
/ Snooch: Yup! / Snooch: Now that we're huge, I want to kill and eat all of them! Because I am CAT!
/ Ebenezer: As long as we're on the same page. / LATER: Snooch: It's still freakin' easy! http://twolumps.net/d/20091116.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer glares at Snooch.]]
/ Ebenezer: Okay, I can see why you thought butterflies would taste like butter.
/ [[Snooch furiously lapping at his water dish.]]
/ Snooch: < http://twolumps.net/d/20091118.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Text preceding first panel, in a fancy font: The Adventures of Dr. Ebenezer von Moustachio and Captain "Snooch" McMonocle Part IV: The Greatest Duel]] / [[Sketch done in sepia tones of a blimp floating over a castle. The artwork is reminiscent of steampunk]]
/ Snooch off panel: Doctor! The orgone engines on the HMS Monocle are fully charged!
/ Eben off panel: Most auspicificated! Now we may finally pursue that demonic madman Yea, to Hell's heart if need be! / [[Snooch and Ebenezer, dressed in steampunk-style clothing in pale shades of brown and burgundy, are sitting on front of a photographic background of an engineroom]]
/ Snooch: Zounds! You daren't mean...
/ Eben: Yes, my airship captain! Today, we shall hunt that dog to his lair! We shall be victorious over BARON TWOGOGGLEHAT! / Text preceding final panel: Meanwhile...
/ [[Baron Twogogglehat is depicted in steampunk-style]]
/ Baron: HA HA HA HA HA!
/ Text below panel: Next: the Thrilling Conclusion! http://twolumps.net/d/20091120.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer and Snooch are looking at a pile of green watermelons. Three bowls are on the floor in front of Snooch]]
/ Eben: OK, you think you understand the question?
/ Snooch: Yeah. There are three bowls. I have promised each watermelon a bowl. There are seventeen watermelons. I need to get each one into a bowl. / Eben: And your answer?
/ Snooch: It's impossible! There aren't enough bowls!
/ Eben: Congratulations, Snooch. You grasp a mathematical concept that the people who sell tables for YuleCon do not. / [[Close-up of Ebenezer and Snooch staring out of the panel]]
/ Text in a burst shape over their heads: CAT SCORN!!! http://twolumps.net/d/20091123.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer sits looking at Snooch, who is wearing a burgundy fez and smoking a multi-color striped hookah]]
/ Eben: Ah. I get it. For Turkey Day, you've chosen to dress like a Turk. Hence the Hookah and Fez. What, pray tell, are you smoking?
/ Snooch: Hash! / [[Ebenezer stares at Snooch]] / [[Ebenezer smells Snooch's hookah]]
/ Eben: *sniff sniff* / Eben: Silly me. Indeed, you are, in fact, smoking hash.
/ Snooch: The potatoes give it an extra kick! http://twolumps.net/d/20091125.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is sitting looking at Snooch, who is laying on his side]]
/ Snooch: Woohoo! Yeah! The colors, man!
/ Eben: I thought we were out of catnip?
/ Snooch: Naw, dude, I'm gettin' high on turkey! / [[Ebenezer has turned away from Snooch who is now on his back]]
/ Eben: Not possible, Lard O' Lakes.
/ Snooch: Yuh-huh! The TV said it's fulla drugs! I'm Trippin' the Fan!
/ Eben: That's TRYPTOPHAN. And all it does is make you sleepy. / Snooch: Oh. Then why do I feel like I'm OD'in' on something?
/ Eben: Eating a whole 20-pound bird will do that to you. http://twolumps.net/d/20091127.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is sitting on the floor, reading a book]]
/ Snooch off panel: BENNY! It's that TIME! Tree and ORNAMENTS an' PRESENTS an' SANTA and CANDY an' EGG NOG!!!
/ Eben: So they say. / [[Snooch, wearing a white-fur-trimmed red Santa hat, joins Ebenezer, who continues to stare down at the book]]
/ Snooch: It's NOGGIN' TIME!
/ Eben: Mmm-hmm. / [[Snooch grins at Ebenezer, who continues to look down]] / Snooch: Eeeegg nooooooogg...
/ Eben: Go away. http://twolumps.net/d/20091130.html |
| Two Lumps | [[A peeved Ebenezer is sitting on the floor in front of the couch. Snooch is walking out of the room in disgust]]
/ Snooch: Is SO!
/ Eben: It is NOT. It's-
/ Snooch: I'm-a Google it and show you! / [[Ebenezer looks out of the room after Snooch leaves]] / [[Ebenezer looks at Snooch, who has re-entered the room and is sitting with his eyes wide open in amazement]]
/ Eben: ...NOW will you let me tell you how to spell "shih tzu"?
/ Snooch: Never goin' to THAT zoo. GAH. http://twolumps.net/d/20091202.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is looking into a fireplace, Ebenezer is laying on the floor in front of it]]
/ Snooch: Ooo, a fire! And it smells all awesome! Why's that?
/ Eben: Yule log. / [[Eben jumps in the air as Snooch yells at him]]
/ Snooch: OH YEAH?! UR MOM WILL LOG, SUCKA! / [[Snooch walks away from Eben]]
/ Snooch: Aw yeah. You been owned.
/ Eben: What!? ...but that doesn't even make...
/ Snooch: OWNED! http://twolumps.net/d/20091204.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer looks at Snooch, who is reading a book on the floor]]
/ Snooch: Dude, this guy is completely Low-Cow.
/ Eben: For the last time, it's pronounced "lo-co." Who is?
/ Snooch: Some homie writing about Xmas eve. / [[Ebenezer turns away from Snooch]]
/ Snooch: Apparently, before Santa showed up, he was checking for a stirring mouse. Mouses can't cook, though. Duh. / [[Ebenezer walks away from Snooch]]
/ Snooch: Then he barfed a sash. Like the belt on Mom's bathrobe. WTF? http://twolumps.net/d/20091207.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is walking toward the waterbowl, a question mark over his head]]
/ Mom off panel: Thanks for helping me set up for the party! I figured the boys'd be mobbing us by now.
/ Friend off panel: I poured them some eggnog to keep them distracted.
/ Mom off panel: There was some left in the fridge? / [[Snooch's tail goes erect and there's an exclamation point over his head]]
/ Friend off panel: Nah, I nabbed some out of the punchbowl.
/ Mom off panel: WHAT?! I already spiked that! It's mostly brandy and rum!
/ Friend off panel: ...uh-oh. / [[Snooch is busily drinking <<*chug* *chug* *chug*>>]]
/ Friend off panel: Maybe we should take it away from him.
/ Mom off panel: Go ahead. I'll drive you to the ER so they can sew your fingers back on. http://twolumps.net/d/20091209.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is walking toward the waterbowl, a question mark over his head]]
/ Mom off panel: Thanks for helping me set up for the party! I figured the boys'd be mobbing us by now.
/ Friend off panel: I poured them some eggnog to keep them distracted.
/ Mom off panel: There was some left in the fridge? / [[Snooch's tail goes erect and there's an exclamation point over his head]]
/ Friend off panel: Nah, I nabbed some out of the punchbowl.
/ Mom off panel: WHAT?! I already spiked that! It's mostly brandy and rum!
/ Friend off panel: ...uh-oh. / [[Snooch is busily drinking <<*chug* *chug* *chug*>>]]
/ Friend off panel: Maybe we should take it away from him.
/ Mom off panel: Go ahead. I'll drive you to the ER so they can sew your fingers back on. http://twolumps.net/d/20091209.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is sitting on the floor looking up at Snooch, who is laying on the couch and looking very unhappy]]
/ Eben: So Mom's friend accidentally gave you a huge bowl of eggnog spiked with booze.
/ Snooch: Yup. / Eben: Eggs, cream, fat and booze... so basically you've just had your life's dream fulfilled.
/ Snooch: Uh-huh. / [[Ebenezer stretches while Snooch turns to face the back of the couch]]
/ Eben: So what in Hera's Gold-Plated Dayplanner are you SULKING about?
/ Snooch: Well NOW what'm I supposed to ask for fer Christmas?! http://twolumps.net/d/20091211.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Hanging from the fireplace is a bulging, white-fur-trimmed red stocking. Snooch's ear and eye are showing at the top of the stocking. Ebenezer is walking past]]
/ Snooch: BNNPH! HMMP MMM! / [[Eben sits and looks at Snooch in the stocking]]
/ Snooch: MPH CMPH GMPH DMMPH! MM TMMPHD! / [[Eben walks away]]
/ Eben: Carry on.
/ Snooch: NMMMPH! http://twolumps.net/d/20091214.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch, frowning, is sitting in a chair looking at the computer. Ebenezer is sitting on the floor looking up at him]]
/ Snooch: Man! Some people are just greedy! An' rude!
/ Eben: Stumble into the internet's red light district again? / [[Snooch, still frowning, looks down at Eben]]
/ Snooch: No, but this guy's Christmas list is NUTS! He's askin' for hundreds of things every DAY!
/ Eben: That's pretty avaricious, all right. Where'd you meet him? / [[Snooch looks back at the computer as Eben leaves]]
/ Snooch: I didn't! I don't even KNOW anyone named Craig!
/ Eben: Oh, him? Yeah, that guy's a jerk. Don't expect a thank-you note either. http://twolumps.net/d/20091216.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Traditional-looking six panel comic with three panels on top, three panels on bottom. Font looks typed rather than usual drawn style]]
/ [[First top panel: Snooch is standing waving his arms]]
/ Snooch: Sometimes, life throws you a curveball! / [[Second top panel: Close-up of Snooch's face, eyes wide open. Panel text: Ridiculous analogies]] / [[Third top panel: Snooch, standing erect similar to Godzilla, is preparing to step on a small building next to a small car. Ebenezer is walking towards him]]
/ Eben: You wouldn't know what to do with a curveball. Cats don't play that game.
/ Snooch: Okay, well, sometimes life gives you lemons! / [[First bottom panel: Snooch and Ebenezer are both standing erect, Godzilla-style]]
/ Eben: What's wrong with lemons?
/ Snooch: I dunno. / [[Second bottom panel: Snooch is still erect, Ebenezer is walking away]]
/ Snooch: Maybe we can throw curveball lemons at life, and it will all work out?
/ Eben: That's stupid.
/ Snooch: I guess I better just ask God about it. / Third bottom panel: Snooch is erect and reaching out]]
/ Snooch: Hey god! Got one for ya!
/ God off panel: I SPEAK IN ALL CAPS, WHICH IS FUNNY. http://twolumps.net/d/20091218.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is sitting on a printer]]
/ Snooch: Banzai! You won't escape this time, printer mice!
/ Ebenezer off panel: For the last time, gazpacho-for-brains, there are no mice in the printer. / [[Snooch leans over and looks into the printer tray, while Ebenezer's head appears over the edge of the table]]
/ Snooch: Are so! Who else pushes the paper out?
/ Eben: Machinery, fool. How would mice create documents anyway? / [[Snooch turns around to look at Ebenezer]]
/ Snooch: Dude, I seen Cinderella like a billionty times. Mice can do EVERYTHING.
/ Eben: Except form a labor union, it would seem. http://twolumps.net/d/20091221.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is sitting on a printer]]
/ Snooch: Banzai! You won't escape this time, printer mice!
/ Ebenezer off panel: For the last time, gazpacho-for-brains, there are no mice in the printer. / [[Snooch leans over and looks into the printer tray, while Ebenezer's head appears over the edge of the table]]
/ Snooch: Are so! Who else pushes the paper out?
/ Eben: Machinery, fool. How would mice create documents anyway? / [[Snooch turns around to look at Ebenezer]]
/ Snooch: Dude, I seen Cinderella like a billionty times. Mice can do EVERYTHING.
/ Eben: Except form a labor union, it would seem. http://twolumps.net/d/20091221.html |
| Two Lumps | {{Two Lumps, 23 Dec 09, http://twolumps.net/d/20091223.html |
| Two Lumps | {{Two Lumps, 23 Dec 09, http://twolumps.net/d/20091223.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Text above photo, all in caps: To all of our friends, family, and fans:
/ Airbrushed photo of Raistlin wearing a Santa hat.
/ Text below photo, all in caps and a larger font: Happy holidays 2009!
/ Text below that, same format as text above photo: From Mel and James! Comics resume on Monday! Quit emailing us!]] http://twolumps.net/d/20091225.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is laying on the couch, Snooch is racing past the couch]]
/ Snooch: BENNY! WE'RE ALL DOOMED! THE TEEVEE SAYS THE MAYAN CALENDAR ENDS IN 2012, AND THE WORLD WILL BLOW UP!!!
/ Eben: Argh. / [[Snooch sits and looks at Eben in panic]]
/ Eben: Look, we're not Mayans. We're American cats. We don't follow the Mayan calendar. We follow the same one we always have.
/ Snooch: ...THAT'S EVEN WORSE!!!
/ Eben: ...wut. / [[Snooch races back the way he came, Eben lays back down]]
/ Snooch: MOM'S CALENDAR ENDS ON FRIDAY! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEE! AAAAAAAAA!
/ Eben: Argh. http://twolumps.net/d/20091228.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch and Ebenezer are sitting on the couch. Snooch has a hand-lettered sign hanging around his neck that says THE END iS NEER]]
/ Snooch: ...and it ends on Friday! That's it! No more days!
/ Eben: Hmm. But that's not what the calendar in the computer room says at all. / [[Ebenezer watches as Snooch races out of the room]]
/ Snooch: ZOMG! I forgot to check that one! Let's see if it shows more days!
/ Eben: Yeah, you do that. Better hurry. / Snooch off panel: WAAAAAAUGH! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE TONIGHT!
/ Eben: Hooray for the word-a-day, tear-off desk calendar. http://twolumps.net/d/20091230.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is sitting on the couch looking at Snooch, who is hanging over the edge of the couch]]
/ Eben: So, I'd point out that the world didn't end, but you decided to have your own personal armageddon last night.
/ Snooch: ...I never want to see a bottle again. / [[Ebenezer washes himself as Snooch continues hanging over the edge]]
/ Eben: I'd also take the moment to offer advice against taking a drink every time Mom's friends did.
/ Snooch: I never want to see a shot glass again. / [[Ebenezer walks out of the room as Snooch continues hanging over the edge]]
/ Eben: But "they're showing midnight around the world every hour," you said. "We can toast each time," you said.
/ Snooch: I never want to see a news channel again. http://twolumps.net/d/20100101.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is wearing a white shirt and gray tie. His expression is quizzical, one eye squinting, the other wide open with raised eyebrow. To his left (our right) is a square box with the image of a football and the words FOOT BAWL]]
/ Eben: ...which is why we really don't give a tin-plated damn about the scores. Now here's Snooch, with an on-the-scenes report of going to the veterinarian. / [[Close-up of Snooch's face--he has a perturbed expression, eyes bulging wide open and mouth twisted. To his left is the sign "LIVE"]] / [[Ebenezer is sitting wearing a necktie and dark shades, smoking a pipe. The panel text, all in caps: The cat news channel We're cats]] http://twolumps.net/d/20100104.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is sitting on the floor, reading from a piece of paper. Snooch is lying on the couch]]
/ Eben: ...and finally, I resolve not to fall for any more Nigerian "you have won free uranium" scams.
/ Snooch: That's a big ol' list!
/ Eben: What about you? / [[Snooch stretches and yawns]]
/ Snooch: Just one. Eatin' right an' losin' weight!
/ Eben: Really? And how long do you think you'll stick to that one?
/ Snooch: Uh... / [[Ebenezer watches as Snooch walks out of the room]]
/ Snooch: Forget it! Can't handle the waiting. Gettin' some ice cream!
/ Eben: So your new resolution is to uphold the status quo?
/ Snooch: Nah, that quo thing sounds heavy. http://twolumps.net/d/20100106.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is sitting on the floor, reading from a piece of paper. Snooch is lying on the couch]]
/ Eben: ...and finally, I resolve not to fall for any more Nigerian "you have won free uranium" scams.
/ Snooch: That's a big ol' list!
/ Eben: What about you? / [[Snooch stretches and yawns]]
/ Snooch: Just one. Eatin' right an' losin' weight!
/ Eben: Really? And how long do you think you'll stick to that one?
/ Snooch: Uh... / [[Ebenezer watches as Snooch walks out of the room]]
/ Snooch: Forget it! Can't handle the waiting. Gettin' some ice cream!
/ Eben: So your new resolution is to uphold the status quo?
/ Snooch: Nah, that quo thing sounds heavy. http://twolumps.net/d/20100106.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Ebenezer is sitting on the floor, looking at the television]]
/ Voice on TV: This just in! Cold weather dominates North America! So much for Global Warming, haw haw haw!
/ Eben: :Yes, that makes sense. It gets cold in winter, so climate change is fake. / Voice on TV: But... but the fake emails!
/ Eben: Some paid grant-fund types fudged data to keep their money flowing. This does not change the fact that Mount Kilamanjaro now has no snowcap to speak of. The climate is changing, and you monkeys did have a hand in it. / [[Ebenezer walks away]]
/ Voice on TV: Wait a damn minute! Since when do cats care about any of this?
/ Eben: I like having gooshyfood and slaves to serve it to me. http://twolumps.net/d/20100108.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Viewpoint is from outside looking toward a brick building. A tree branch is framing a window. Snooch is looking out the window]] / [[Snooch glances upward, grimacing]]
/ Snooch: BENNY! YOU'RE A LIAR!
/ Ebenezer off panel: ...What?
/ Snooch: THERE'S NOTHING BUT ICE OUT THERE! / [[Viewpoint changes to inside where Ebenezer is sitting on the couch looking sideways]]
/ Eben: I said it's going to be CHILLY out there today.
/ Snooch off panel: AND I STILL DON'T SEE ANY!
/ Eben: Put the bowl and spoon back, Snooch. http://twolumps.net/d/20100111.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Mom is sitting at the computer]]
/ Mom types: Bio brk, brb guys, lol, etc. / [[Snooch and Ebenezer stare up at the computer monitor after Mom leaves]]
/ Snooch: Now?
/ Eben: NOW! / [[Snooch leaps to the top of the monitor, knocking off various objects]]
/ Snooch: BUCKAROO BANZAI!!!
/ Mom off panel: AUGH! My monitor toys! SNOOCH, WHAT THE HELL?! / [[Snooch, tail swishing in anger, and Ebenezer are in front of the couch]]
/ Mom typing off panel: No, I didn't type that. It was the devil duckie and the punktopus. Don't ask.
/ Snooch: Doesn't she know having those things up there causes brain cancer?! I thought cats taught humans Feng Shui!
/ Eben: Unfortunately, they only latched onto the fake parts. http://twolumps.net/d/20100113.html |
| Two Lumps | [[TWO LUMPS - Cornflakes in the catnip - From the public files of Hynes/Grant]] / [[Snooch is surprised by a floating flaming skull that speaks.]]
/ Skull: Look upon my glory. / [[Snooch's eyeballs look at the skull.]] / [[Snooch begins to play with the floating flaming skull who then tries to get out of the way.]]
/ Skull: Ow! Hey! Stop that! HEY! HELP!
/ Snooch (thinking): Hee Hee Hee Gonna getcha. Oh yeah... http://twolumps.net/d/20100115.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch comes running into the room where Ebenezer is laying on the couch]]
/ Snooch: BENNY! I READ IT ON WIKIPEDIA, SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
/ Eben: Oh, for the love of Set's left hamstring, WHAT?
/ Snooch: WE'RE ALIENS! / [[Snooch sits looking at Ebenezer]]
/ Snooch: There's this planet of cat people, and they're blue, and have tails, and live in harmony with their world!
/ Ebenezer: That's the fictional Na'Vi of the movie Avatar. We are not Na'Vi. They worship a tree of knowledge, within lives the god Ai'Wa. / [[Snooch turns and reaches out with one paw]]
/ Snooch: YEAH? Well we already have a tree of information right there, and it's got Enya in it!
/ Eben: That's Mom's CD tower. http://twolumps.net/d/20100118.html |
| Two Lumps | [[Snooch is sitting at the computer, batting repeatedly at the keyboard]]
/ Snooch: HA! Get some!
/ Ebenezer off panel: You're playing an awful lot of those time-management games lately. / [[Ebenezer is sitting looking down at a book]]
/ Ebenezer: "Burger Sprint", "Banana Split Tycoon", "Chocolate Frenzy"...
/ Snooch off panel: Yeah, so? / [[Back to Snooch at the computer, now with a disgruntled frown on his face]]
/ Eben off panel: You DO realize "The Last Starfighter" was just a movie, right?
/ Snooch: WE'LL SEE WHO'S LAUGHING WHEN I'M TAKEN TO THE JUNK FOOD PLANET!
/ Eben: Suuuuure we will. http://twolumps.net/d/20100120.html |
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