You're browsing the archives of Two Lumps: The Adventures of Ebenezer and Snooch.
You can search these comics too.

show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]

Two Lumps Roach1: Hail, Murgatroyd! I trust you weren't followed? / Roach2: Nay, and such news I bring from our headquarters. / Roach1: What ho? / Roach2: Forsooth! Our men lie in wait tonight, and we shall charge the food bowl at midnight! / Ebenezer: I'm standing right here, you know. / Roach1: O unkind fate! Retreat! Retreat!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060628.html
Two Lumps [[Two cockroaches sit in the gooshyfood dish.]] / Cockroach 1: FORSOOTH! YON FAT ONE COMETH TO HALT OUR FEAST! / Cockroach 2: READY ART THOU? ON THE COUNTING OF THREE... ONE... TWO... / [[Snooch sits by the gooshyfood dish, looking surprised.]] / Cockroach 1 and Cockroach 2: GO AWAY! / [[Snooch runs from the gooshyfood dish.]] / Snooch: AAAAAAAAAAH!!! / Cockroach: THE DAY IS OURS! HUZZAH!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060630.html
Two Lumps [[Eben and Snooch sitting next to a can of bug spray and the food dish, which is surrounded by a toxic green cloud.]] / Roach: O MURDER! WHAT FOULNESS IS THIS? / Ebenezer: Taste hot death, roachy villains! I, Ebenezer have sprayed the entire bowl with POISON! / [[Beat panel. Eben and Snooch both looked stunned with sudden realization.]] / [[Eben and Snooch parodied as the painting The Scream.]]
http://twolumps.net/d/20060703.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer sits on chair before Mom's computer, typing a letter with his paw.]] / Ebenezer: "Dear cat 'owners' of the world: We, the felidae, would like to make a definitive culinary statement." / [[A rooster and a glass of milk are visible above Eben's head.]] / Ebenezer: "We enjoy eating chicken. We also enjoy cream. Offering either of these to us is perfectly acceptable." / [[Snooch's eyes and furrowed brow are now visible in extreme foreground.]] / Ebenezer:"However, feeding us 'condensed Cream of Chicken' is right out. Snooch thought it was vanilla pudding." / Snooch: <>
http://twolumps.net/d/20060705.html
Two Lumps [Eben sitting on the table, Snooch crouching under it] / Snooch: *hurk hurk hurk BLURG* / Mom: Oh NO, Snooch! NOT AGAIN! / Mom: Why?! Why is it always on the dining room carpet? Why not the linoleum, or the tile that can be cleaned easily? This stuff NEVER comes out! ARGH! / Snooch: Benny, did I do okay? / [[Eben looking down from the table, pointing at Snooch's "work"]] / Ebenezer: Perfect. From up here, the carpet is almost an exact replica of Pollock's "Number 23". We'll be rich! / Snooch: YAY! / Ebenezer: We just need 20 more hairballs out of you.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060707.html
 
Two Lumps [Eben and Snooch are playing cards.] / Ebenezer: Okay, you're big blind and you just called. No further action, so now it's time for the flop. / Snooch: YAY! I know how to do that! / [[Snooch flops onto his back with a mighty <>]] / Snooch: I win. Right? / Ebenezer: No.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060710.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch lies in the background, looking depressed, a patch of fur missing from his hindquarters. Eben, wearing a shirt and tie, is in the foreground, doing his scientist impersonation]] / Ebenezer: Do you suffer the embarassment of bald patches due to excessive grooming or dry-skin gnawing? / Snooch: It still itches... / [[Snooch looking happier, with a wad of fur stuck over the previously bald spot.]] / Ebenezer: Here at the Meer Club For Cats, we use our patented organic solution* with your sheddings to make a matching weave of your own fur. / [[a little box at the bottom saying: "*Glue, mucus and spit"]] / Snooch: I can't tell the difference! / Ebenezer: Send money or gooshyfood to... / Mom: Snooch, how did you manage to cough a hairball onto your own butt?! That's hideous! / Snooch: Aww... / Ebenezer: *holding his head in his paw* BLAST!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060712.html
Two Lumps [Eben is solving incredibly difficult mathematical equations.] / [Snooch sneaks up on him with a sock over his head. The sock has two buttons for eyes] / Snooch: Woo hoo! I'm a sock puppet! / [Eben's fur stands on end as he stares at Snooch] / Ebenezer: How the green blazes did you get your head inside that? / Snooch: *looking around blindly* Who said that?
http://twolumps.net/d/20060714.html
Two Lumps [[Eben napping on the couch]] / Snooch: [[From offscreen]] Hey, Eben! / Ebenezer: What. / Snooch: Does acetylene cut through steel? / [[Snooch appears in welding mask with cutting torch in paw]] / Ebenezer: Yes, but if it's Galvanized, you're going to have a problem with the poisonous vapors. / Snooch: Okay! Thanks! / [[Eben having turned his back towards the audience]] / Ebenezer: I wish Mom would stop letting him buy things off the internet.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060717.html
Two Lumps [[Silhouetted against a (photographic) background of mountains and sky, Ebenezer -- wearing a helmet -- walks across a foreground ridge]] / Ebenezer: We have set a new record for catdom: scaling the heights of Mount Kitchenmanjaro. / [[From somewhere behind him, off-panel:]] / Snooch: *whuff whuff* / Ebenezer: We have successfully found the rumored cave of Pantryonia, and have looted the treasure within. / [[The silhouetted Snooch is now visible behind Ebenezer, grimacing as he carries said loot]] / Snooch: *whuff whuff* / [[Now the cats are fully visible. Both are wearing pith helmets, which cover their eyes; Snooch, still grimacing with the weight, has slung over a shoulder a bag full-to-bursting of cans]] / Ebenezer: We don't need to bring the ENTIRE hoard of gooshyfood, you know. / Snooch: LEAVE NO CAN BEHIND!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060719.html
 
Two Lumps [[Snooch holding up one paw, separating his front toes in a Spock-like V shape]] / Snooch: The bag is too small for my head and shoulders ! I must use the amazing power of V-TOE! / [[Snooch digging into a bag of chips with the paw]] / Snooch: V-TOE! V-TOE THE FRITO! / [[Snooch is happily munching on chips]] / Ebenezer: Although it's not quite an opposable thumb, your digital manipulation is quite impressive. / Snooch: Fo Sho!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060721.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch wears a safari hat that covers his eyes]] / Snooch: Woohoo! You ready to go back to Kitchenmanjaro, Benny? / Ebenezer: In case you've forgotten, the treasure was too heavy to carry. / Snooch: Yeah, but I read about how adven'chrers hire Sherpas to carry their stuff an' help! / Ebenezer: You might also have read that they live in Nepal, not Texas. / Snooch: DUH. We have the INTERNETS? I ordered a whole bunch of them. / [[Ebenezer and Snooch look out the window to a chorus of small dog barks]] / Ebenezer: Snooch? How do you spell "sherpa"? / Snooch: S-H-A-R... / Ebenezer: Oh, I can't wait until Mom gets home.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060724.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch is sitting under a sign labeled "Free Tung Rides 4 Mouses", mouth wide open.]] / [[Ebenezer appears, stage right.]] / Ebenezer: Any success yet, chief? / Snooch: AAAAAAHN. / Ebenezer: Carry on, then.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060726.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer walks purposefully.]] / [[Ebenezer stops in front of the litterbox, looking at a sand castle turret built of cat litter with turds in the walls and a triangular flag planted at the top.]] / [[Ebenezer looks at us with narrowed eyes and a raised brow, from beside the litterbox.]] / Snooch [[from off-panel]]: HEE HEE HEE!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060728.html
Two Lumps Snooch: <> / Ebenezer: At least you’re gorging yourself on healthier fare, for once. / Snooch: WHAT?! / Ebenezer: "Auntie Sprout's Fat-Free Vegetarian Pseudo-Dip". The pounds should melt off in no time. / Ebenezer: Well, your delicate palate must have been fooled by their clever... / Snooch: OMG I'VE BEEN DUPED! MY CUDDLY FIGURE IS AT RISK! BUTTER! I NEED BUTTER AND PORK RINDS! STAT!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060731.html
 
Two Lumps Snooch: MMMMM, Peanut butter! / <> / Snooch: THE PEANUT BUTTER BIT ME!!! / Ebenezer: For the last time, that's a mousetrap. / Snooch: THIS IS TREACHERY!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060802.html
Two Lumps [[SNOOCH NINJA HAIKU: THE DUST BUNNY]] / Snooch: Paw strikes like lightning! / Snooch: Beasts from sofa are vanquished. / Snooch: They taste like butt, though. / <>
http://twolumps.net/d/20060804.html
Two Lumps [[Close-up on Ebenezer, sitting on the floor in front of the couch.]] / Ebenezer: I know you're confused, so I'll try to explain again. Yes, one "human year" equals six "cat years". / Snooch [[from off-panel]]: Uh huh. / [[Further close-up on Ebenezer]] / Ebenezer: This means that technically we are both seven years old and forty-two years old, but it's just a trick of measurement. / Snooch [[still off-panel]]: Okay. / [[Zoom out to show Snooch, sitting in front of the couch, wearing an Afro, dark, round sunglasses and a Peace sign necklace.]] / Ebenezer: It does NOT mean we've gone back in time thirty-five years. / Snooch: But it makes sense! / Ebenezer: HOW?! / Snooch: Time travel explains everything!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060807.html
Two Lumps Snooch: Watcha readin'? / Ebenezer: Zen Buddhism. They claim enlightenment is embodied by a fat, laughing figure who has mastered the art of the empty mind... / [[Snooch stares at Eben with a blank look]] / Ebenezer: Congratulations. / Snooch: Huh? / Ebenezer: Indeed.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060809.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is on the couch. Snooch is off screen.]] / Snooch: Benny, do I HAFTA do this? / Ebenezer: <> Yes, it's an innate part of cathood. / [[Snooch is on the floor, looking plaintive.]] / Snooch: It just feels mean. / Ebenezer: "Playing" with our prey hones our hunting reflexes. / Snooch: But I feel so sorry for 'em. / [[Ebenezer looks angrily at Snooch. Snooch looks down and away from Ebenezer; he is sad.]] / Ebenezer: For the last time, pizza doesn't count as "prey". / Snooch: Poor lil' pepperonis.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060811.html
 
Two Lumps [[Snooch in kitchen, eating. Cthulhu appears from offscreen, reaching for bowl.]] / Cthulhu: NYUM NYUM LOOKS TASTY / [[Snooch has fled the kitchen, Cthulhu still at food bowl.]] / Snooch: AAAAAAAAAUGH! / Cthulhu: HEE HEE / [[Ebenezer sitting on couch, watching Snooch run by in a panic.]] / Ebenezer: Oh, now what? / Snooch: CTHULHU'S IN OUR KITCHEN! HE'S EATIN' OUR FOODS!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060814.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer and Snooch are in the kitchen with a mop and bucket. Eben is stomping away angrily.]] / Ebenezer: How terrifying. A mop. Perhaps it'll polish the floor at me, you halfwit. / Snooch: BUT IT... BUT I SAW... / [[The mop head has turned into Cthulhu's head and is sticking out of the bucket.]] / Cthulhu: That's right. Just a mop. Not gonna devour your brain while you sleep. / [[Cthulhu-mop alone in kitchen.]] / Snooch (offscreen): AAAAAAAAAGH! / Cthulhu: <>
http://twolumps.net/d/20060816.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer walks into the kitchen and sees Cthulhu-mop.]] / Ebenezer: Well, well. Seems the fat idiot wasn't kidding. / Cthulhu: I will eat your fear! Cower in terror, cat! Booga booga booga! / / [[Ebenezer sits down and looks at Cthulhu]] / Cthulhu: Booga booga! Rarrrrr! / Cthulhu: Be scared, dammit! / [[Ebenezer continues to sit there and look at Cthulhu]] / Ebenezer: You've obviously never seen my brother eat. / Cthulhu: That bad, huh? / Ebenezer: Imagine an overweight yak on speed burying its face in gooshyfood.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060818.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer walks into the kitchen and sees Cthulhu-mop.]] / Ebenezer: Well, well. Seems the fat idiot wasn't kidding. / Cthulhu: I will eat your fear! Cower in terror, cat! Booga booga booga! / / [[Ebenezer sits down and looks at Cthulhu]] / Cthulhu: Booga booga! Rarrrrr! / Cthulhu: Be scared, dammit! / [[Ebenezer continues to sit there and look at Cthulhu]] / Ebenezer: You've obviously never seen my brother eat. / Cthulhu: That bad, huh? / Ebenezer: Imagine an overweight yak on speed burying its face in gooshyfood.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060818.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer in kitchen, looking at Cthulhu-mop.]] / Cthulhu: Face it, cat. I'm here, and I ain't going away anytime soon. / Ebenezer: In the words of Jonathan the Owl, "You think this is so?" / [[Ebenezer sits on Cthulhu's bucket]] / Cthulhu: Wait! What are you... / Cthulhu: AAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! / [[Snooch is sitting on the sofa; Ebenezer is walking past looking satisfied]] / Mom (offscreen): YOU PEED ON MY NEW MOP? F*&@! NOW I HAVE TO THROW IT AWAY!!! / Snooch: Wow. / Ebenezer: Mess with the best, die like the rest.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060823.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch sitting on washing machine, wearing a cowboy hat. Eben wandering in from offscreen.]] / Snooch: Howdy pardner! / Ebenezer: What the ... Did you eat another bowl of coins? / Snooch: Nah, I'm just here for the ro-dee-oh. / <> / [[Closeup of Snooch sitting on washing machine and Eben staring at him.]] / Ebenezer: Oh good, you've merely gone insane. What are -- / <> / Snooch: Woop! / [[Snooch riding the wildly bouncing washing machine like a bronco. Eben looking disgusted.]] / Snooch: Yee-haw! Ride 'em spin cycle!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060825.html
 
Two Lumps [[Snooch is wearing a cooking pot on his head. Eben walking up to him.]] / Ebenezer: Let me guess: To keep aliens from reading your empty head? / Snooch: Naw! It's for a'stream sports! / Ebenezer: Unless you're planning on fishing with that thing, it's pronounced "extreme". / Snooch: Yeah! I'm gonna take the washer rodeo to the next level! / Ebenezer: That being? / Snooch: I'm-a get INSIDE the washer! / [[Snooch trundles off toward the washer]] / Ebenezer: There's a small problem of getting beaten half to death, you know. / Snooch: That's why I gots a helmet! DUH! / Ebenezer: <> Godspeed, nimrod.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060828.html
Two Lumps [[A washing machine is thrashing around]] / Snooch: OW! ACK! OOF! AAAAUGH! GAAH! OWIE! AI! JEEBUS! OUCH! OW! / <> / [[The machine has slowed down]] / Snooch: *pant pant* We done? The water's leavin', so we must be d-- / <> / [[The machine has entered the spin cycle]] / Snooch: AAAAAAAAAAAUGH! / <>
http://twolumps.net/d/20060830.html
Two Lumps [[A washing machine is thrashing around]] / Snooch: OW! ACK! OOF! AAAAUGH! GAAH! OWIE! AI! JEEBUS! OUCH! OW! / <> / [[The machine has slowed down]] / Snooch: *pant pant* We done? The water's leavin', so we must be d-- / <> / [[The machine has entered the spin cycle]] / Snooch: AAAAAAAAAAAUGH! / <>
http://twolumps.net/d/20060830.html
Two Lumps [[A washing machine is thrashing around]] / Snooch: OW! ACK! OOF! AAAAUGH! GAAH! OWIE! AI! JEEBUS! OUCH! OW! / <> / [[The machine has slowed down]] / Snooch: *pant pant* We done? The water's leavin', so we must be d-- / <> / [[The machine has entered the spin cycle]] / Snooch: AAAAAAAAAAAUGH! / <>
http://twolumps.net/d/20060830.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch has collapsed on the floor in a great sopping wet mess]] / Snooch: <<*cough* *cough* *wheeze*>> I ... / Snooch: I ... I am ... / [[Eben appears on the right]] / Snooch: ... I am ... EXTREMO! / Ebenezer: Do tell.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060901.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer sits on the couch.]] / Snooch (offscreen): PENIS!!! hee hee hee... / [[Ebenezer looks at the audience, a pained look on his face.]] / Snooch (offscreen): PENIS!!! hee hee! PENIS!!! / [[Snooch finally appears in the panel, his usual grinning self.]] / Snooch: Hey, Eben! I got a new game! Wanna-- / Ebenezer: No.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060904.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer walks into the living room, addressing Snooch, who is wearing a white chef's hat]] / Ebenezer: Decided you're the world's largest turkey leg? / Snooch: I'm learnin' how to COOK! / [[Ebenezer sits beside Snooch in front of the couch.]] / Ebenezer: Holy Canute, tell me Mom isn't letting you near an open flame! / Snooch: Nah, just heatin' up gooshyfood in the micra-wave. It's pretty! / [[Dark smoke billows in from the kitchen. Ebenezer has jumped onto the cough. Snooch looks toward the kitchen, eyes bugging out.]] / Ebenezer: Well, I'm glad you're ... wait, "pretty"? / Snooch: Yeah! The can goes all sparky like fireworks! / Ebenezer: I'll be under the sofa until the fire brigade arrives.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060906.html
 

Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60
61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80
81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 >>