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Two Lumps [[Kitty litter box (enclosed) by itself]] / Snooch: <> / [[Empty flower pot, see yesterday]] / [[Ebenezer talking into the litter box]] / Ebenezer: Ew. Still making gravel, I see. / Snooch: KILLL MEEEEEEE!
http://twolumps.net/d/20051121.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch reading a newspaper in front of the couch]] / Snooch: Says here that cat urine glows under black light. / [[Idea comes to Snooch]] / [[Ebenezer flying in from off-screen, right at Snooch]] / Snooch: We should have a rave.
http://twolumps.net/d/20051123.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch eating messily from a bowl, Ebenezer behind him]] / Ebenezer: What's up? Why are you pigging out? / Snooch: I saw the turkey Mom got for the holidays and it's kinda small. / Snooch: <> / [[Snooch walking away from the bowl]] / Ebenezer: So what? It's not like she's going to stop feeding us. / Snooch: Yeah, but then I saw a tv show on how mama birds help little birds grow all big! / [[Snooch completely off screen]] / Ebenezer: What do you... BY THE FLAMING HAM OF ODIN, NO! / Snooch:<<*blurf! gack! blarrgh!*>> / Ebenezer: I don't want any stuffing, methinks.
http://twolumps.net/d/20051125.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch with a harmonica in his mouth]] / <> / Snooch: Hey, Eben! I found a harmoni... / Ebenezer: YOU DON'T SAY!
http://twolumps.net/d/20051128.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch with a stick in his mouth]] / Ebenezer: ...tell me you don't have a plan to catch beavers. / Snooch: No no! I saw these guys on TV who waved pointy sticks around and it did MAGIC! And they were all famous and stuff! It looks easy! / Ebenezer: *sigh* Magic isn't real, Snooch. / [[Snooch swings his head to "wave" the wand, hitting Ebenezer in the face with the stick]] / Snooch: Is too, watch! I, uh, command you to sleep! EBENEZEERUM TAKEANAPPUM! / <> / [[Ebenezer laying on the ground, x's for eyes]] / Snooch: Benny? ...dude, I gots to get a pointy hat, quick!
http://twolumps.net/d/20051130.html
 
Two Lumps Snooch: BENNY. BEN. NY. / Ebenezer: What's up, Jabba? / Snooch: I can't find the catbox. / Ebenezer: That's probably because Mom threw it out today. / Snooch: WHAT / Ebenezer: She said it was too smelly and chucked it. It'll be another ten before she gets back with a new one. / Snooch: BUT I HAVE TO POOP. / Ebenezer: You can wait ten minutes. / [[Snooch sitting in a flower pot]] / Ebenezer: Or not. / Snooch: THE POOP MUST FLOW.
http://twolumps.net/d/20051202.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch looks depressed, sitting in front of the couch with an open book behind him]] / Snooch: How can we get over this problem? / Ebenezer: What's the crisis for today, tubbo? / Snooch: The book, Eben. / [[Ebenezer reads the book]] / Ebenezer: "The color of the points in Siamese cats is heat related. Cool areas are darker. Siamese kittens are born white because of the heat in side the mother's uterus before birth. This heat keeps the kittens' hair from darkening on the points." / Ebenezer: We're not Siamese, we're Russian Blue. We're supposed to be dark all over. / Snooch: We're not cool, Eben. / Ebenezer: Well, if it's in a book, it must be true.
http://twolumps.net/d/20051205.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer sitting on the counter in the bathroom]] / Mom: Dammit, Ebenezer, why do you always have to watch me pee? / <<*FLUSH*>> / Ebenezer: No sand? Disgusting. / [[Mom walks by him]] / Mom: I swear, you're the weirdest cat on earth. / Ebenezer: You didn't even bury it. Revolting. / Ebenezer: It's easy to see why you disgusting monkeys never lick yourselves.
http://twolumps.net/d/20051207.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer walking along, clouds of smoke roiling above him]] / Ebenezer: Holy chickpeas, what is that stench? Mom's not here, it can't be her cooking... / [[The clouds of smoke are coming from a floor heater, which Snooch is sitting in front of]] / Ebenezer: What the deuce are you doing, burning the house down? / Snooch: Thinkin' 'bout a great mystery of life, Eben. / Ebenezer: Which is? / Snooch: Why DO they call it a Tuna Melt, when tuna don't melt at all? / Ebenezer: I think your life would be better served by the question: "How do I get scorched fish out of the heater before Mom gets home?"
http://twolumps.net/d/20051209.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch sitting at the computer]] / Snooch: Mom left her email open again. / Ebenezer: Yay. / Snooch: Guh... Gosharootie. / Ebenezer: What's up? / Snooch: "SUBJECT: CLICK HERE FOR WET, STRETCHED, HAMMERED..." / Ebenezer: That doesn't mean what you think it means. / Snooch: Poor kitty.
http://twolumps.net/d/20051212.html
 
Two Lumps [[Mom walking around, Snooch playing with the decorations on the Christmas tree]] / Mom: There! The tree's finally all decorated. I think this calls for a little holiday music, right guys? / Snooch: And then we get eggnog! Yay! / [[Snooch reacting in fright]] / <> / Snooch: AAAAA! DUCK AND COVER! / Ebenezer: What in the name of barbecue is wrong with you?! / Snooch: The tree's gonna EXPLODE! / [[Snooch running away]] / <> / Ebenezer: What? Why?! / Snooch: The words! They said the same thing on TV and then that big blimp expoded! / Ebenezer: ...That's "Oh, the humanity", bean-bag-brain.
http://twolumps.net/d/20051214.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch with a Santa hat on, an empty box of eggnog next to him and puddles of eggnog all around]] / Snooch: *hic* I'm brilliant! / Ebenezer: What on earth... did you get into the spiked eggnog? / Snooch: Yesh! Well, a lil'. But look! / Ebenezer: Eggnog all over the walls. Congratulations. / Snooch: It repurr... reprayz... it's showin' the true meaning of Christmas! The song, it shpeaks the truth! / Ebenezer: What? / Snooch: FE-LINE 'NOGGY DOTS! / Ebenezer: That's it. I'm teaching you to read liner notes.
http://twolumps.net/d/20051216.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer reading from a book "Songs for Xmas"]] / Ebenezer: Okay, I think we're ready. Quiz time: "Little Dumber Boy"? / Snooch: DRUMMER Boy. / Ebenezer: "A Weigh-In of Mange"? / Snooch: Away in a Manger. / Ebenezer: Excellent! You've made real progress, Snooch. Looks like you're finally getting the songs right! / Snooch: Can I sing "Joy to the World" now? / Ebenezer: Sure, you've earned it. / [[Snooch on the couch, wearing sunglasses and rocking out]] / Snooch: Joyyyyyy to tha world! / Alllllll the boys and girls! / Ebenezer: That's not-- / Snooch: Joy To Tha Fishies In Tha Deep Blue Sea! / Ebenezer: Meh, close enough. Merry Three Dog Night to you too.
http://twolumps.net/d/20051219.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch walking, very "happy"]] / Ebenezer: 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS / AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE, / NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING, / SAVE FOR SNOOCH, WHO WAS SOUSED. / Snooch: *HIC!* / [[Snooch looking at the cupboards]] / Ebenezer: HE'D DRUNK ALL THE EGGNOG, / NOW FOR FOOD ON THE PROWL; / PERCHED NEAR PANTRY DOOR, / I HEARD A VOICE HOWL: / [[Snooch in front of the pantry]] / Snooch: NOW MRS. DASH! NOW CANNED HAM! / NOW SYRUP AND BISQUICK! / ON TARRAGON! ON CUMIN! / ON TWINKIES AND FISHSTICKS! / Ebenezer: Those aren't reindeer, Snooch. / Snooch: We gots canned reindeer too?!
http://twolumps.net/d/20051221.html
Two Lumps Ebenezer: HE SAID NOT A WORD, / BUT LEAPT STRAIGHT FOR THE GRUB. / I'M AMAZED HE GOT CLEARANCE, / THE GINORMOUS TUB. / Snooch: HEY! / Ebenezer: HE HAD A BROAD RUMP, / HIS FURRY WEIGHT HIT THE WALL; / SHELVES BEND, THEN CRASH AWAY! / CRASH AWAY, CRASH AWAY ALL! / Ebenezer: AND I HEARD HIM EXCLAIM, / AS WE TUCKED THE REPAST IN: / Snooch: Merry Christmas to all! / Benny, you got any aspirin? / Ow.
http://twolumps.net/d/20051223.html
 
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer and Snooch sitting in front of wrapping paper, Ebenezer with a crazed grin on his face, Snooch looking nervous]] / Ebenezer: HEY, SNOOCH! / Snooch: Uh... what? / Ebenezer: WRAPPING! / [[Ebenezer shredding the wrapping paper to bits]] / Snooch: Yeah!!!! / Ebenezer: WRAPPING! WRAPPING! WRAPPING! WRAPPING! WRAPPING! / Snooch: AW JEAH! / Snooch: FOUR AN' THREE AN' TWO AN' ONE! An' when I'm on tha mic, suckaz run! / Ebenezer: Whatever. Do not disturb my contentment.
http://twolumps.net/d/20051226.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer sitting on the couch, eyes closed]] / Ebenezer: To sleep, perchance to dream / <> / [[Ebenezer leaping off the couch]] / [[Snooch looking electrified, eyes popping, hair on end. Ebenezer on the floor]] / Ebenezer: Aye, there's the dork. / Snooch: I MADE ANOTHER BALLOON GO AWAY.
http://twolumps.net/d/20051228.html
Two Lumps Ebenezer: *yawn* Well, I'd call that a pretty successful holiday. How was your haul? / Snooch: Great! I 'specially liked the catnip mousie you got me. Thanks! / Ebenezer: Catnip... Snooch, that was a REAL frozen mouse / from a medical order company. You were supposed to eat it! / Snooch: Um. Oops. / Ebenezer: Well, it might still be edible. Where did you put it? / Snooch: My catnip mousies always get stuck under there. / Ebenezer: Oh, that's going to be delightfully fragrant by New Year's.
http://twolumps.net/d/20051230.html
Two Lumps Snooch: OWWWW, my head. / Ebenezer: Suffering the consequences of New Year's, I see. Makes me glad I turned in early. / Snooch: It was a good party though! / Ebenezer: Do tell. / Snooch: Well, there was lotsa drinks, and music, and dancin', and I tried to eat some mistletoe but I couldn't jump high enough. / Ebenezer: Sounds like a wild bash indeed. But I do have one question... / Ebenezer: ...how did you manage to get your butt jammed backwards into a flowerpot? / Snooch: Didja know when you drink a whole bottle of champagne at once and burp, it blows you across the room?
http://twolumps.net/d/20060102.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer reading a letter that is spread out on the floor.]] / Ebenezer: "Dear Feline Council Member, / We are risking contact only due to gravest circumstances, destroy this missive after reading, blah blah..." / Ebenezer: "... surveillance has noted that only 99.8% of your household surfaces are marked as dominated by sufficient shedding. If not remedied immediately, your council status will be revoked." / Ebenezer: ... GREAT SUFFERING CORNS OF ROMULUS! / [[Ebenezer, shaved from the neck down, sitting in front of a fan that is blowing the huge pile of shaved cat hair into the house.]] / Snooch: You shaved all of it? / Ebenezer: It's politics. You wouldn't understand. / Snooch: But it's winter! / Ebenezer: I've got my title to keep me warm!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060104.html
 
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is sitting in front of a computer, typing with one paw]] / Ebenezer: Dear Sirs, I am writing to point out a glaring error in your otherwise delightful book, '1,000 Fun Facts About Cats'. / <> / [[Ebenezer is still at the computer, typing]] / Ebenezer: Namely fact #459: 'Cats do not have a collarbone, so they can fit through any opening the size of their head.' While this may generally be true, there are dangerous exceptions. I urge you to print a correction immediately for the sake of future safety. / <> / <> / [[Snooch has his head stuck under a footrest.]] / Ebenezer: Sincerely yours, Ebenezer Dusk, Esq. / Snooch: Hey Eben? You findin' out how to get me outta here? This isn't funny!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060106.html
Two Lumps [[Eben on couch looking left, Snooch on floor, back to reader]] / Snooch: Benny, where's Mom? / Snooch: Why isn't she here? / Snooch: Petting us? / Ebenezer: She went out with that... boyfriend... thing... guy... of hers. / [[Snooch now on couch. Eben has not moved]] / Snooch: Aren't we cute enough for her? / Snooch: Did she stop loving us? / Ebenezer: Don't be ridiculous. She lives with US, not HIM. / [[Snooch is now posing, head resting against Eben, belly towards the reader, legs outstretched in all directions. Eben remains unmoved.]] / Snooch: AM I STILL CUTE? / Snooch: AM I STILL TEH SEXAY? / Eben: Get off me, you cow.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060109.html
Two Lumps Visitor: What the... Hey, why did your cats pee on my backpack!? / Narrator: FACT: The human body is composed of approximately 60% water. / Visitor: Aw man! They got my jacket too! / Narrator: FACT: A cat's body, however, is composed of approximately 75% water. / Visitor: They peed IN my shampoo? How is that even possible?! / Narrator: FACT: Never underestimate how much water a neurotic, jealous cat can hold.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060111.html
Two Lumps {{Title: A mystery of the ages: Can God make a cat that is so lazy even He cannot lift it?}} / [[God looking at a cat sleeping on his throne]] / God: Oh, for My sake... Cat, I've only been gone 30 seconds to get a soda. Don't act like you were there first. Hey! Are you listening to me?! / Cat: <> / [[God tries to pick cat off the throne - cat slides bonelessly out of his hands and back onto the couch without waking]] / God: What in the.... C'mon, move! Whoop... How are you doing that?! / [[God stomps off, cat still on throne]] / God: That does it. I've had it with pets. You cats are getting sent down to the garden with the rest of the animals. Go annoy the humans for a while. / Cat: <>
http://twolumps.net/d/20060113.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer is sitting, staring at Snooch, who is lying on the floor.]] / Ebenezer: I threw your favorite toy mouse down the toilet just now. / Snooch: Right on! / Ebenezer: I also hid all the gooshy food where you'll never find it. / Snooch: Okey Doke! / Ebenezer: Now I'm going to eat all the food in our dish and use the catbox until it's frightening. / Snooch: That sounds great! / [[Ebenezer walks away.]] / Ebenezer: I should have slipped you these roofies a long time ago. / Snooch: YEP!
http://twolumps.net/d/20060116.html
 
Two Lumps Mom: Ow! Snooch, don't bump me when I'm plucking my eyebrows. I've got a big night tonight. / Snooch: Aww. ...hey, wait a sec. Din't that book say... / Book: Cat Fact #981: In ancient Egypt, the entire family would shave their eyebrows off as a sign of mourning when the family cat died. / Snooch: OHMYGODWE'REGONNADIESHE'SGONNAKILLUSALLAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! / Ebenezer: Oh, what NOW!?
http://twolumps.net/d/20060118.html
Two Lumps Ebenezer: And STRETCH, 2, 3, 4... CLAW, 2, 3, 4... / Mom: My sofa! That's the last straw! / Snooch: Wuh oh. / Mom: This time I'm breaking out the big guns! / Ebenezer: Help! Mercy! No declawing! I'll reform, I swear! / Superscript: (ONE LARGE SCUFFLE LATER) / [[Eben is stuffed into pink booties, looking very angry]] / Ebenezer: Of course you realize, this means war. / Snooch: Better than gettin' your toes chopped off, right? / Ebenezer: ...I'm still debating that one.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060120.html
Two Lumps Ebenezer: Let's see... "Congratulations! You've purchased Kit-E Boot-Eze, the new alternative to declawing!" Hmf. Snooch, go find Mom's purse. We're going to give a sign of our displeasure. / Ebenezer: "Your cat will never know they're on!" Ha. / Snooch: Found it! / Ebenezer: Excellent! Prepare to spray! / Snooch: Ready! / Ebenezer: "...also see our line of Kit-E diapers for spraying problems..." HOLD IT BACK, SNOOCH! / Snooch: I'm holdin'! I'm holdin'! owie...
http://twolumps.net/d/20060123.html
Two Lumps [[Ebenezer, wearing pink booties, is reading from a flyer on the floor. Snooch is walking away]] / Eben: Let's see... "Congratulations! You've purchased Kit-E Boot-Eze, the newest alternative to declawing!" Hmf. Snooch, go find Mom's purse. We're going to give a sign of our displeasure. / Eben: "Your cat will never even know they're on!" Ha. / Snooch off panel: Found it! / Eben: Excellent! Prepare to spray! / Snooch off panel: Ready! / Eben: "...also see our line of Kit-E diapers for spraying problems..." HOLD IT BACK, SNOOCH! / Snooch off panel: I'm holdin'! I'm holdin'! owie...
http://twolumps.net/d/20060124.html
Two Lumps [[Snooch pulling a pink bootie off Eben's foot with his teeth]] / Ebenezer: Excellent! I'm almost free of these blasted pink contraptions. / Snooch: YUPH! / / Ebenezer: Just go hide it with the others, and we'll be scot-free. / Snooch: *GULP* Hide it? / Ebenezer: Yes, with the other three... what did you do with them? / Snooch: Uh... I don't feel so good... / Superscript: HURRRRRRRRRRK / [[Eben and Snooch staring at a giant pink hairball with a smiley face on it]] / Ebenezer: That has got to be the creepiest hairball I've ever seen. / Snooch: I feel like I should name it or somethin'.
http://twolumps.net/d/20060125.html
 

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