You're browsing the archives of Goats.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
| Goats comic strip from April / 28 / 1999: cows and e-commerce (17) | Your talk about stock options yesterday got me thinking... so I've taken Moistnap.com public. / We had an IPO? / / Yup. Shares rocketed up from an initial price of $3.50, opening at $160.00. They finished the day at $93 a piece. We each netted $50 million, and made a lot of day traders very, very poor. / / Woohoo! We can get central hefeweizen for the apartment! / Shine on, you crazy diamond. http://www.goats.com/archive/990428.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 29 / 1999: cows and e-commerce (18) | NY 1
/ Keith Shellac, Reporter / We're here today with Phillip and Diablo, wunderkind founders of the wildly successful Moistnap.com moistened towelette community website, which successfully stunned Wall Street by pulling off the most successful IPO ever for a moistened products company. / / Hello, gentlemen. We've all heard stories of how you started out, serving web pages off of pocket calculators from your college dorm room, fighting off larger competitors like Towelsoft with silverware stolen from the dining halls. And now, 4 years later, an IPO. / / To what do you attribute your success? / I think it's due to the fact that we're not only "young," but "hip" as well. / And evil. Very, very evil. http://www.goats.com/archive/990429.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 30 / 1999: cows and e-commerce (19) | So we're stinking rich now, right? / Not exactly. Your money is locked up in stock, and there's a six-month moratorium on stock sales by company principles. / / But we can sell our shares after that, right? / Nope. You guys know too much about the workings of the company. Only your most clueless employees can sell without being accused of insider trading. / / Jerrell's FORNICATORIUM
/ Grand Opening http://www.goats.com/archive/990430.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 03 / 1999: a girlfriend for phillip (1) | You know, Jon, you haven't had an existential crisis in well over a month. What's wrong? / Nothing's wrong. / / It's just that I've given up. Given up trying to find someone who understands me, given up tempting fate to do nasty, cruel things to me, given up trying to fight the system and make something of my life. I'm just going to sit here, not rock the boat, and wait to die. / / Welcome to our world of toys. Care for a beer? / Oh God yes. http://www.goats.com/archive/990503.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 04 / 1999: a girlfriend for phillip (2) | Phillip says you've finally given up on life. / I have. And don't try to talk me out of it. / / On the contrary. It's about time. / I'm tired of getting beat up by life. I'm just going to stick to what I do best. / / Bitch and moan? / Well, yeah. That, and skee-ball. http://www.goats.com/archive/990504.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 05 / 1999: a girlfriend for phillip (3) | Clearly, the universe has something against me. A master plan to keep me in a constant state of dashed hopes and despair. I can't bear the loneliness for much longer. How do you deal with it, Phillip? / / I don't. I have a girlfriend. / What, you went out and bought yourself an inflatable playmate? / / Actually, we've been together for over a year. You're just too self-absorbed to notice. / Does she have friends? http://www.goats.com/archive/990505.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 06 / 1999: a girlfriend for phillip (4) | I can't believe Phillip has a girlfriend. What sort of warped mind could find him attractive? / My friend Lauren. / / You knew about this? / Yes. I set them up. / / And she actually dates him? Is she a lobotomite? Can you get any more of them? I'm not picky. / Really. http://www.goats.com/archive/990506.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 07 / 1999: a girlfriend for phillip (5) | You couldn't possibly have a girlfriend. You made it up. / Ssh. She's on the phone right now.
/ / / Give it. / She doesn't want to talk to you. She says you reek of Adam Curry's nether regions. / / Liar! Hand it over, troglodyte! / How do you eat with such stumpy arms? http://www.goats.com/archive/990507.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 10 / 1999: a girlfriend for phillip (6) | I think it's pretty clear that you've invented this woman solely to irritate me. / Prove it. / / You can't expect me to give you a mathematical proof that your imaginary friend is actually imaginary. / If you can't prove that she doesn't exist, simple deduction shows that she does exist. / / I swear, if Plato was here right now, he'd kick your ass. / Prove it. http://www.goats.com/archive/990510.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 11 / 1999: a girlfriend for phillip (7) | Jon, meet my girlfriend, Lauren. / / / That's it? Does she do anything else? / Dunno. Maybe she transforms into a robot. / Maybe she withholds sex this month. http://www.goats.com/archive/990511.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 12 / 1999: a girlfriend for phillip (8) | You two make an... um... interesting couple. How did you meet? / Well, it's a really romantic story, actually. / / I was standing over at the other end of the bar, talking to Lynda, when Phillip came over and asked if he could buy me a drink. I said okay, and he pulled a pint glass of some colorless, odorless, tasteless liquid out of his pants. / / That's, um... that's his way of saying he likes you. / Strange... I... I don't remember anything after that. http://www.goats.com/archive/990512.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 13 / 1999: a girlfriend for phillip (9) | You must be Diablo. I'm Lauren. You are such a cute little chicken, aren't you? / I am not cute. I'm evil. / / Maybe the cute little chicken can give us a kiss? / Evil chickens don't kiss. / / Oh, c'mon. One little kiss. / Phillip's really not doing it for you, huh? / Goat sense... tingling... detecting sexual dissatisfaction... http://www.goats.com/archive/990513.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 14 / 1999: a girlfriend for phillip (10) | Lauren, we realize that being introduced to all of Phillip's friends might be a bit... traumatic for you. So we'd like to welcome you to our little family with a small ceremony we reserve for special occasions. / / First, you must put on the blindfold of trust. / This is adorable. You guys are so nice to include me like this. / / Now, put on the studded leather manacles of trust. / Hold on. / I'll go get the massage oil of trust. http://www.goats.com/archive/990514.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 17 / 1999: a girlfriend for phillip (11) | Toothgnip and Diablo have your girlfriend tied up and oiled down.
/ I must drink beer. / Beer is the mind-killer. Beer is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my beer. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see it's path. / When the beer has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
/ I'll be hiding in the corner. http://www.goats.com/archive/990517.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 18 / 1999: a girlfriend for phillip (12) | Jon says you've captured my girlfriend. / Just a little. She's lots of fun to play with. / / Look... if it was up to me, you could tie her up any which way but loose. It builds character. But if you make her angry, she's not going to let me come down to the bar to hang out with you guys anymore. / / So... you're saying it's a potential Yoko situation. / And Ringo's not going to be around to bail us out this time. http://www.goats.com/archive/990518.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 19 / 1999: a girlfriend for phillip (13) | Go away. Haven't you done enough damage? / I'm sorry, Lauren. I was bad. / / *kiss* / / Well, um... uh... I guess it's okay... / (I get her organs when you're done with her.) / (Sure.) http://www.goats.com/archive/990519.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 20 / 1999: a girlfriend for phillip (14) | Well, we've successfully resolved another storyline. Phillip gets to keep his girlfriend, Toothgnip gets to sleep with those Japanese stewardesses, and I stole the kidneys out of several sleeping lawyers. / / What do you mean, resolved? Nothing's been resolved. I'm still depressed and lonely and without any hope for the future. / / Oh! And Fish won a lacy brassiere and a halter top in a strip poker game. / Stop it. / And I just made it with Kobe Tai in the stockroom. http://www.goats.com/archive/990520.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 21 / 1999: the phantom chessmaster (1) | I have been waiting online for fifteen months. In the name of all that is holy and/or chess-related, give me my Phantom Menace tickets. / / This is the line for "Sparky's Big Enema Adventure." Star Wars is playing one block down. / / You knew about this, didn't you. / Spell "Hot enema action." http://www.goats.com/archive/990521.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 24 / 1999: the phantom chessmaster (2) | Something's not right here. I sense a great disturbance in this theatre... as if millions of people were being forced to watch "Suddenly Susan." / / Meanwhile... / Darth Shields... Chessmaster 2000 has arrived. He wants tickets for the movie. I have detained him for now, but... / / This is my apprentice, Darth Baio. He will take care of the Chessmaster. http://www.goats.com/archive/990524.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 25 / 1999: the phantom chessmaster (3) | Union Square is sparsely populated... if the trace was correct, Master, I should be able to find them quickly and without hindrance. / / You have been well trained, my young apprentice. The Chessmaster will be no match for you. / At last, we will expose ourselves to the Chessmaster. / / You mean "reveal", right? / I can't get these damned horns to stay glued to my head. http://www.goats.com/archive/990525.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 26 / 1999: the phantom chessmaster (4) | I sense an evil presence, Speak-and-Spell... The presence of the Sith. Always two there are... No more, no less. A master and a servant... / Spell "Depeche Mode". / / Darth Baio! I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board. / Huh? On board where?
/ / / I'm paraphrasing. Just... just insult me back. / Um... Uh... I will crush you like a loose piece of fecal matter between my tight, fleshy buttocks. http://www.goats.com/archive/990526.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 27 / 1999: the phantom chessmaster (5) | When I left you I was but the learner. Now, I am the master. / / Only a master of evil, Darth Baio. / Speaking of evil, did you hear that Soleil Moon Frye and Jaleel White are getting a sitcom? / / He's not taking this seriously. / Like anyone could take "Punky 'N' Urkel" seriously. http://www.goats.com/archive/990527.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 28 / 1999: the phantom chessmaster (6) | I can't believe you, Baio. We're trying to pay homage to a sci-fi masterpiece, and all you can do is make stupid feces jokes and riff on obscure celebrities that no one cares about, you... you heretic. You cretin. Well I, for one, will not stand for it. / / That's it. I'm gone. / / I win. http://www.goats.com/archive/990528.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 31 / 1999: life's a beach | How exactly does one make a sand abattoir? / That's it... Now... just turn over... yeah. / But it's so much brighter than a monitor. The sun scares me, jon. / Leave me alone. I'm on vacation. http://www.goats.com/archive/990531.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 07 / 1999: subway series (1) | We're going to go see "Hitler VS. Godzilla", wanna come? / Dunno. I had an extended self-pity session planned for today. / / C'mon! It's in wide-screen Hitler-vision. / He's working at the bagel shop across the street, you know. / Hitler? / / RAR! SMASH POLAND!! / Yah. He gives me extra cream cheese. / I suppose that makes up for the whole genocide thing. http://www.goats.com/archive/990607.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 08 / 1999: subway series (2) | The subway's not coming. / We still have 20 minutes to the curtain. Calm yourself. / And he toasted the bagel just the way I like it, too. / / I could have ridden homeless people there faster. / Hitler does not work at the bagel shop. He'd be, like, 300 years old. / You're just jealous that Hitler likes me best. / / Maybe they got lost. / Giuliani's a fascist in so many other ways, you'd think he'd be able to get the trains to run on time. http://www.goats.com/archive/990608.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 09 / 1999: subway series (3) | Look! Drawstring cargo pants! / / Where did you get those? / Off some guy on the floor over by the maintenance closet. He looks kinda dead. / / The coming attractions just started. / Go... Go put those back on that man. / I'm gonna see if I can dislodge his femur. http://www.goats.com/archive/990609.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 10 / 1999: subway series (4) | Guess what this is. / It's an almond. / / Well, yeah, technically, but... just guess again. / It's still an almond. Do you have any more? I'm starving. / / No, idiot. It's on my right wing. Think about it. / Do they sell almonds at the movie theatre? / I think I can hear the train coming. http://www.goats.com/archive/990610.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 14 / 1999: subway series (5) | See, if I was making the movie, I would have pitted Hitler against someone more formidable than Godzilla. / Who's more formidable than a 200-foot lizard? / / Captain Soy! / Captain Soy? He couldn't even stop Mr. Mild from air-mailing all those babies to the Dominican Republic. / / But in the third film, it was those very babies that grew up to defeat Mr. Mild. / Ironic, wasn't it? / Like rain on your wedding day. http://www.goats.com/archive/990614.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 15 / 1999: subway series (6) | You guys won't believe what's under the seats. / Feels like the train is stopping. / Stopping? We can't stop now... we're so close. / / I had a dream... a dream to see a violent special effects vehicle with sub-par acting and lots of explosions. But now, it looks as though that dream will die. As will we all... this train is a deathtrap, a steel coffin, I tell you. We have as much chance of survival as a lab rat in a saccharine jacuzzi. / / Sounds like someone needs a frappuccino. / Yes. Oh God yes. http://www.goats.com/archive/990615.html |
Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60
61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 >>