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| Goats comic strip from May / 11 / 2006: the wound (8) | Where's the programmer? / I let him go. I'm teaching him a lesson. / / Toshi will be pissed. / He won't be gone long enough for Toshi to find out. / / I can't believe he fell for that! I'm a genius. Now all I have to do is cross this endless expanse of perfectly safe wasteland and I'm home free. / / Rats! http://www.goats.com/archive/060511.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 15 / 2006: the wound (9) | Fabulous. I'm going to be torn apart by giant sand johnsons. / / Was this part of your intel!? Are these things going to stuff me full of trail mix until I die? / / Oh geez, I hope not. Those raisins are tiny land-mines of nasty. / / / / I could have taken care of it myself. http://www.goats.com/archive/060515.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 16 / 2006: the wound (10) | What the hell were those things? / Those are the Middle-Aged Ones. They are ancient, hateful creatures who hide beneath the desert sands, where they lie in wait with their unemployed slacker children. / / The Middle-Aged Ones are highly resentful. They attack anything emitting smugness or high levels of self-esteem. You were pleased with yourself when you escaped, aye? / / I guess I was. / You will never escape if you think that you can. And you will never escape if you think that you can't. / / Now do we need to put the collar back on? Or have you learned the lesson? / It's "Don't trust anyone over thirty", right? http://www.goats.com/archive/060516.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 17 / 2006: the wound (11) | The worms were instrumental in shaping Middle Pagaean culture, you know. / You guys have culture? / / The ancient Pangaeans were little more than hairless monkeys, whiling away the days nestled deep within the saftey of a lush tropical paradise. / Awesome. / / But then came The Rupture. A local dimension blinked out of existence, and the shock of its absence sent waves of destruction and instability through the neighboring planes. / / Tears began to appear in the universal source code. Raw functions and variables were exposed, crashing and looping. You've seen The Wound already. / / But some of those tears opened doors to places so terrifying your eyes would explode if I told you their names. http://www.goats.com/archive/060517.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 18 / 2006: the wound (12) | The pan-dimensional infection spread quickly, laying waste to the entire level in a matter of hours. / / The self-satisfied Pangaeans were an ideal, delicious food source for the invading worms. / / Five thousand years of selective pressure against pride and ego battered them into a race of bitter, nervous, hate-filled, self-loathing xenophobes. / Friggin' xenophobes. / / They became libertarians? / Worse. Anarcho-libertarians. / I had no idea that level of paranoia was even possible. / / One day a Pangaean named Bento, tired of having his friends and loved ones eaten by worms, came up with an ingenious plan. / I've got it! I'll kill the worms with this unlimited supply of weapons. http://www.goats.com/archive/060518.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 22 / 2006: the wound (13) | It wasn't long before the Pangaeans convinced the worms to keep their distance. / / Do you see? Do you see what you've made me do?! I used to be a florist! And now look at me! / / I've betrayed the flowers. Flowers never use violence to solve their problems. I... I don't deserve to live. / Hey! / / / Suicide is immoral! / Arms escalation followed shortly thereafter. http://www.goats.com/archive/060522.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 23 / 2006: the wound (14) | With access to an unlimited supply of weapons and an equally unlimited reserve of mistrust, the Pangaeans were quick to arm themselves. The Mexican standoff supplanted the handshake. / G'Day, Zeke, how have ya been? / I hate myself. / / The transition from existence as a food source to a society of constantly-armed paranoiacs didn't go as smoothly as you might except. / / There was the occasional flare-up. / / But eventually Middle Pangaea once again became a paradise, an Eden of sand and isolation and mutually assured destruction. / Sure, mutually assured destruction has it's problems. But hey, it's better than the alternative. http://www.goats.com/archive/060523.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 24 / 2006: the wound (15) | So the Pangaeans just stand out there in the desert, isolated, watching for attackers and loathing themselves? / It's better than jury duty. / / How does anything get done? / There are occasional partnerships for tasks requiring more than one person, like making children or writing screenplays. It is very rare that you see three together, only under the most dire circumstances. Like ours. / / The only reason Toshi Diplo and Grif Pentax have tolerated the presence of a third is because I'm a lizard. / Huh. What's up with that, anyway? / / Not much to tell. The lizards are from the next desert level up, we come over to play videogames and drink beer. / That's it? / / That's it. We're pretty easy-going. / I didn't know "easy-going" was synonymous with "sword-wielding". / Every day brings a lesson. http://www.goats.com/archive/060524.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 25 / 2006: the wound (16) | Now that we've finished with your lesson, I think it's time for you to be back to work, aye? / I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing. / / You've got an exposed weapons function right in front of ya, loopin' like a rollercoaster. All the raw ingredients needed to make an entire level of existence go up in smoke are there for the taking. / / Just use the turtle to tweak the code until it does what you want. / Okay. I'll give it a shot. / / OOH! OOH! / What? / / I gave it a drop shadow! / Keep trying. http://www.goats.com/archive/060525.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 30 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (1) | Roger! What happened to you? / Oliver is bored again. / / You had a full day of events scheduled! Let me see this. / / 9:00AM REVEILLE / 9:30AM BREAKFAST (slug eggs, slug muffins, slug juice) / 9:15AM SLUG WRESTLING / 10:30AM SLIMECRAFTING / 11:15AM MUSIC APPRECIATION / 12:00PM LUNCH (hot slime bowl, triffid salad) / 1:00PM SLUG WRESTLING / BONUS SESSION! / 2:00PM FREE SWIM / 3:00PM SNACK / 4:00PM NAP / 5:00PM / / Of course he's bored, you've got slug wrestling scheduled like three times. / He likes slug wrestling. / / Maybe a raid on those green slugs would cheer him up. / Fine, but we'll have to bump the dance recital to next week. http://www.goats.com/archive/060530.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 31 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (2) | General Carl! Perimeter security reports that they have captured a stick-legged traveller en route from the Snedroff camp. / Stick-legged? Hmmm. / This is great! It'll give Oliver someone else to beat off for five minutes. / You mean "beat up", right? / / That's what I said. And besides, screw you. / No thanks, I hear you can only go for five minutes. / / Roger? You keep moving your arm. / Why? Is arm-moving illegal now? / / What's with the sling? / It's very comfortable. http://www.goats.com/archive/060531.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 01 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (3) | I swear by the holy metal testicles of Optimus Prime, I will rearrange your eyeballs if you don't bring me a pack of smokes this instant.
/ / I don't know whaurk! / / Don't you be tellin' me you don't know what a cigarette is! Joe Camel had a ninety-one percent recognition rate amongst goddamn six-year-olds. / Sir? / / You'd better have a damned good reason for interrupting office hours. Me and the slugs, we're connecting here.
/ / / We thought you might want to see this captive. / I'm not a captive! I'm not even real. I'm a hallucination. http://www.goats.com/archive/060601.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 05 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (4) | You're no hallucination. Oh, I've dreamed of this, to be certain. I've dreamed a thousand different vengeances against you and that goldfish. / / But you're certainly no hallucination of mine. / Maybe I'm someone else's hallucination. Or maybe I'm some sort of hyper-elf! / Hyper-elf? / / Hyper-elves are mystical travellers who have desperately-needed pity sex with nerds all over the multiverse. I'm late for a LAN party on Dorkulon Twelve. It's way hotter than it sounds. / / I think I read once about these hyper-elves, Carl! / Everyone knows that hyper-elves are imaginary. / All the more reason to let me go, then. http://www.goats.com/archive/060605.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 06 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (5) | Can one of you guys go get me a sharpened stick, or a femur maybe? Anything good for disemboweling. / You can't disembowel me! / / Sure I can. It ain't fancy, but it drips with old-school appeal. / Don't you want to know why I'm here? / / You were captured by the slugs. It's pretty straightforward. / I allowed myself to be captured. / / Well thanks so much for your cooperation mister. Now, if you'll be so kind, show me where your lungs be at. / / Oliver, quit being so dense. Without lungs it's going to be very difficult for me to help you kill Fineas. http://www.goats.com/archive/060606.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 07 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (6) | Why would you wanna help me kill Fineas? I thought you guys was butt buddies. / / No one is buddies with my butt, young man! My butt is buddyless. My butt is the Lone Frickin' Ranger. I'm helping you because I love you. / Ew. / Like a son. / / What sort of bizarre son-loving pervert are you? You keep your sex organs tucked away if you don't want 'em confiscated by Roger. / Fineas is going to invade your camp, Oliver. He's developing a super-weapon. / / I didn't need no help back on the monkey planet, and I don't need no help now. / Fine, but don't come crying to me when you're obliterated by a power beyond your comprehension. / / You! Call me a cab. / You're a cab. http://www.goats.com/archive/060607.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 08 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (7) | Wait just one second. If Fineas is here, that means the transport robot is here. / We could use it to get back home! / Or at least somewhere that doesn't smell like poop tumors all the time. / / WHERE IS THE ROBOT? / I don't remember. All the parking lots here look the same. / / Tie this NAMBLA fanboy to a piece of wood, boys, and gather the troops. We're travelling! / Where we goin'? / / We're gonna do us a little pre-emptive invading before Fineas finishes up his Retardo-Ray or his Death-O-Matic Beam or his Magic De-Pantser or whatever it is he's got up his sleeve. We're gonna go get my robot back. http://www.goats.com/archive/060608.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 12 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (8) | I'm comin' for you, you cyborg freak! You'd better finish up that super-weapon real quick! / / That's it nimrod. Come on in! The doom is fine! / / Flen, begin Operation Death Blossom. / Does that mean lunch? / No. It's not lunch. http://www.goats.com/archive/060612.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 13 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (9) | Yoink! / / It's a trap! / / Roger! Throw it in reverse! / / Is this the gearshift? / No, but don't stop. That feels nice. http://www.goats.com/archive/060613.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 14 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (10) | We're surrounded! / They've got us penned in like veal. / What is a veal? / It's a sort of delicious baby cow in a box. / / Hey beard guy! Make like Jim Morrison and break on through. / That may not be such a good idea. / / You've betrayed me again. / Well, maybe a little. http://www.goats.com/archive/060614.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 15 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (11) | What the hell is that? / It's a giant spear. / / Wrong, amigos. That's a custom-made Snedroff Industries Large-Bore Megashafted Lance-Style Destructospear, Mark Two. The first one gave its life driving a test melon ninety feet down into the planetary crust. / / This is your superweapon, Mister Genius? No neutron cannons or robotic plasma tanks or atomic torso scramblers? Frankly, I'm disappointed. / / Well, you've got to work with that you've got. Plus it has racing stripes! http://www.goats.com/archive/060615.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 19 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (12) | If I had two good hands I'd climb up there and stuff your gills full of your spinal cord. / / I wouldn't make any sudden moves, Oliver. Flen can bring the Destructospear down on your heads with one hard yank. / Heh heh. / Shut up! / / I'm not afraid of your sub-par superweapon. I've got your pal hostage. Are you going to crush him too? / Ooh. Yeah, are you? / / Diablo knows the stakes. He knows that the sacrifice would be worth it. / I do? http://www.goats.com/archive/060619.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 20 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (13) | Either kill us or let us go. / Yeah. It's the waiting I can't stand. / / This doesn't have to end in violence. Just hand over Oliver and I'll let the rest of you go. Hell, I'll even throw in a case of Omaha steaks. What's your shipping address? / / No deal. / He stays with us. / / Fine, have it your way. I'll pick his body out of the rubble. Flen, release the weapon. http://www.goats.com/archive/060620.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 21 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (14) | Fwip! / / Climb, you bastards! / / We can't climb. No feet! / Thanks a lot, intelligent design. http://www.goats.com/archive/060621.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 22 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (15) | Argh! Grah! / / What are you doing? You could have killed Oliver! / He's fine. Besides, no one would have missed him. / / We need Oliver to tell us where Phillip is so we can save the Universe and stuff! Did you forget? / / I took a calculated risk. It paid off. Or rather, it would have paid off if you hadn't distracted me. Now we're going to have to hunt down Oli-- / / Oof! / It's rude to drop a giant spear on people! / I am so sweaty. http://www.goats.com/archive/060622.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 26 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (16) | Yeeeargh! / / / Raugh!! http://www.goats.com/archive/060626.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 27 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (17) | I can smell my eye!! / / / Did you have a nice voyage? / See you next Autumn! http://www.goats.com/archive/060627.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 28 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (18) | Ah crap. Now I'm gonna have to get me some new henchmen. / You saved me! / So? / / That proves that you love me! Like a father. / I saved you because you have some value to me as a hostage. / / Are you joking? Fineas just tried to kill me. I'm the most worthless hostage since Ann Coulter. / / Fine. I made a mistake. Would you rather that I set things straight and crush your skull in? / You are so adorable. Did you know that? http://www.goats.com/archive/060628.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 29 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (19) | Aw jeez. Last time my head hurt this bad was after I went on that Ayn Rand binge junior year. / Objectivism isn't very useful when you're stuck at the bottom of a hole. / / And covered in purple goop. / That's not goop, that's slugs. Looks like they pulped when we landed on 'em. / / I think this was Flarry. He was a nice guy. / Wait a second. Where the hell are we? / / There's something written here under the dust. http://www.goats.com/archive/060629.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 04 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (20) | Talk about a dive bar. / I'm guessing they didn't do much business ninety feet under the surface of a world peopled with giant slugs. Hold still. / / YEAARGH!! / / Can you see? How many fingers am I holding up? / That's a matter of debate. / / The real question is, why is this bar here? Is it an artifact from a lost civilization? Have we somehow travelled to our own distant, apocalyptic, slug-centric future? / You can't rightfully call it an apocalypse when there's beer to be had. / Would you like to open ze tab? http://www.goats.com/archive/060704.html |
| Goats comic strip from July / 05 / 2006: battle of the network slugs (21) | Flen, send out two search parties, north and south along the canyon. Oliver couldn't have gotten that far. / Don't tell me what I can't do! / / I bet you can't tell me where Phillip is. / Dont you try your dirty-dealing psychological tricks on me. You want your friend's location? You give me the robot. / / So you can goad people into senseless, unending war across the multiverse, like you did here? / / War ain't so bad! War is the ultimate form of democracy, where the currency of your vote is backed by the only standard that's worth a damn -- your life. And my stock is on the rise. http://www.goats.com/archive/060705.html |
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