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| Goats comic strip from March / 15 / 2006: the programmer (7) | Look, I'm sorry you guys are all going to croak or whatever, but I'll do my dying on my own schedule, thanks. / Come hither, idiot man-child, and I will fill the empty space in your head. / / My name is WHEATINA BLOOMERS. I have seen almost two hundred harvests since I became Farmer here and assumed responsibility for the crops. I have also been caretaker of the GREAT FARMER'S ALMANAC. / / The Almanac is a compendium of all the future knowledge the Topekans have been able to obtain through computational analysis and universe simulations. It's a bit spotty, but has proven accurate so far. / / You have computers that can simulate a universe? / Well, they's ain't exactly computers we run the sims on, but YEAH. / / Hell, my digital watch can simulate an electric dog-hound! / Only GOD can make a tree, but only TECHNOLOGY can simulate a dog peeing on one. http://www.goats.com/archive/060315.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 16 / 2006: the programmer (8) | Anyways, I'm getting away from what I meant to be learnin' you. Page 789, third verse, right between the Uplifting of the Gorgranaax and President Cheney's re-election. / / "...And a woman of Purity and Knack will pluck from the Void THE PROGRAMMER, whom you will know by his gray skin and love of beverages." / / "And the Programmer will neither drink booze, nor lie with a woman nor surf erotic websites for many months. For he will breach the Skin between Worlds, and so bring about a New Age of the Multiverse, forever and ever, Amen." / / And then it goes on for a bit about which beverages you like. / What else does it say in there about me? / / You die choking on trail mix. / That's AWFUL. I wanted to explode in the vacuum of space. http://www.goats.com/archive/060316.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 20 / 2006: the programmer (9) | I don't care WHAT your simulations show. This is the REAL WORLD, and I have FREE WILL. I won't be bringing about any New Ages or breaching anything's skin. / / Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to wander out into your crops and see if I can't find myself something that will ferment. / FREE WILL is an ILLUSION. / / The "real world" is ALSO a simulation. / Oh really. / / The whole shebang is running off some guy's laptop. / So there's no free will? / / Not as you think of it. / And here I was feeling guilty for all those Ambien-induced "midnight donuts". http://www.goats.com/archive/060320.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 21 / 2006: the programmer (10) | Come with me. All o' this will make more sense if I can DEMONSTRATE. / Sure, why not? I'll just follow you around. It's not like I have FREE WILL or anything. / / You know what? I'm being a DANNY DOWNER. A lack of free will doesn't have to be a bad thing. This opens up all sorts of possibilities for me. / / For example, if I was to make sweet love to this cow right here, brazenly declaring our forbidden ruminant romance for all the world to see in a mad cyclone of passion and beef, well, I could hardly be blamed for that, could I? / / Aye, you could do that. / / I don't really want to do that, actually. / That's good news for us all. http://www.goats.com/archive/060321.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 22 / 2006: the programmer (11) | This ain't the lovin' sort of cow, anyway. This here's one of our COWPUTERS. / / She's a biologically-driven quantum DNA computer, she is. This is the result of twenty thousand years of selective breeding by our finest cowputer scientists. / / Clara here can run simulations of the entire universe and still have enough power left over to count to ten with her hoof. Good girl! / / Anyway, you'll be working on Clara for the next however-long. / Clara is your new WORKSTATION. http://www.goats.com/archive/060322.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 23 / 2006: the programmer (12) | Ah, Yakmeat! Yakmeat, this is the Programmer. / So it's true? You're really him? / / That's what they tell me. / This is wonderful. You're going to help save millions of lives. Excuse me just one moment. / / Cornhusk! Put away the trail mix! Quickly! / Yakmeat here is going to get you up to speed, show you how everything works, answer any questions ya might have. / / No, just hide anything small! Anything that might present a choking hazard. / We'll confab again soon. You're in good hands here. / This is the worst job interview I've ever had. http://www.goats.com/archive/060323.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 27 / 2006: the programmer (13) | So. You're a computer, huh? How's that working out for you? Not very talkative, I see. / / Talking to animals, huh? The old lady's daughter musta puddin'-fied your brains when she brought you over. / You know her? / / Hell yeah. Not in the Biblical sense, of course, no one's tasted that forbidden fruit, but me and Cornhusk got press-ganged pretty much the same way you did. / I still sometimes dream of being pulverized between those milk-silk thighs. / / My friend, you've been caught up in what is probably the grandest scam the multiverse has ever seen. / You get to be the Messiah! / If that means folks are going to be all eating of my flesh and drinking of my blood, you can forget it. I need that blood. http://www.goats.com/archive/060327.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 28 / 2006: the programmer (14) | So you guys aren't from here either? / Nah, we were taken just like you. I'm from Brooklyn 19, Husk here is from one of the Monsanto Worlds. / / We're listed in the Great Almanac as your prophets and lab assistants. / Although I don't think they got the right guy when they grabbed me. White folks are always thinkin' we all look alike, you know? / / The Topekans, see, they use that Almanac they have to justify everything they do. Kidnappings, assassinations, pre-emptive invasions of other dimensions, you name it. / All they need is a vague reference in the book to some act of aggression that resembles their agenda and they can declare it pre-ordained, and therefore the intent and will of God. / / But God is dead. He was... uh... accidentally delicious. / They know. They know all about it. http://www.goats.com/archive/060328.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 29 / 2006: the programmer (15) | This makes no sense at all. How can they be carrying out God's will if all that's left of the guy is impacted pork gristle in the folds of my small intestine? / / We're living in a deterministic artificial universe, remember? He doesn't need to be here to keep things running smoothly. It's all part of the program. / And was getting eaten part of his plan, Yakmeat? Was being a yummy pork chop his divine will? / According to the Topekans, yes. / / The guy dressed like a pirate. several pirates. He created Howie Mandel. And he turned himself into a pork chop. He was a moron! He couldn't have planned this if you gave him a team of Wharton Business School graduates to work with. / / I don't doubt it. Between you and me, I'm pretty sure he was almost constantly drunk. / But here you are, programmer. / / I knew majoring in computer science was a huge mistake. / Come on. We'll run Creation Myth 1.3 for you. http://www.goats.com/archive/060329.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 30 / 2006: the programmer (16) | Topeka Prime was the first world to discover the true nature of the multiverse. / I'm guessing it exists solely to piss me off. / / After the Topekans discovered how to travel along the pub axis to other levels of reality, they became obsessed with universal metaphysics. It was just a matter of time before their best scientific minds were able to deduce the mechanisms behind it. / / Eventually the entire source code of the universe was reverse-engineered through the application of brute force computing and old-fashioned logic. / / But analysis of the code revealed more than they had bargained for. / [hidden]ele[hidden by Yakmeat head/bubble] / [hidden]g_hDC = NULL; / / //----------------------------------- / // Universe 1.3 TopoRender Last Updated 4/20/2004 / // by HunabKu@xibalba.hell HUNABKU pWnS j00!!!1[hidden] / //----------------------------------- / void render(void) / { / glClear( GL_COLOR_BUFFER_BIT | GL_DEPTH_BUFFER_BI[hidden] / / glMatrixMode( GL_UNIVERSEVIEW ); / glLoadPubAxis(); / glTranslatef( 0.0f, 0.0f, -5.0f); / / /* Start the main processing here. */ / ----------------------- http://www.goats.com/archive/060330.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 03 / 2006: the programmer (17) | Moo? / Hold on for a second. I have to put in disk two. / / So you're some sort of corn guy, then? / Technically I am not a 'guy'. I am the female of my species. / / But you're wearing pants. / I like pants! / / And you're shirtless. / I like to live dangerously. / / And you want to make sweaty pancakes with the Farmer's daughter. / I'm a lesbian. / / You're a corn lesbian. / Hooray for diversity! http://www.goats.com/archive/060403.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 10 / 2006: the programmer (21) | The Middle Pangaeans were a loose-knit association of Anarcho-Libertarian warrior tribes from the wasted spaces of desert level twelve, second domain. They hated everyone, themselves included. Conflict was inevitable. / / I hate myself for imposin' on ya like this, but I'm gonna have to murder you dead if'n you don't leave us alone.
/ / We're big free will fans, you see. / / Oh, but we are not so different, my brothers. We too are crazy-big fans of will. For it is the will of God that we are here! / / And it is my will that you leave before I have to clean your blood from the furniture. / We can sell you hyperfarm-fresh-organically-grown-blood-resistant furniture. New! / / Killing you is going to be terrible for my self-esteem. http://www.goats.com/archive/060410.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 11 / 2006: the programmer (22) | The fighting continued for years. The Middle Pangaeans fought with what seemed to be an inexhaustable supply of weaponry and self-loathing. / I hate that you're making me do this! / / The Topekans countered with fresh, virgin battalions of knack-o-lytes, beaming in reinforcements and free sample packets of Craisins. / / Each packet had a coupon on the back for five Fun-Time(tm) brand metadollars off the purchase of a full-size bushel of Craisins. / Mother Topeka's / Craisins! / / Oh. That was probably an unnecessary detail, wasn't it? It's so hard to tell sometimes. / No, that's cool, you're doing fine. Keep Going. / Go back to the violent bits. http://www.goats.com/archive/060411.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 12 / 2006: the programmer (23) | Determined to stop the Topekan onslaught of great value and quality produce, the Pangaeans finally enlisted the aid of elite agent Blast Masterson. / / Masterson was rumored to have killed so many Topekans that he could no longer strop crying. / / An entire decade of an agent's training is spent in contemplation of how to best identify weakness, whether it be in his own self or in the defensive measures of his enemy. / / Incidentally, they also spend three years trapped in a steel box with hungry dust lizards. They're a fairly masochistic bunch. / Take me to Topeka Prime. http://www.goats.com/archive/060412.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 13 / 2006: the programmer (24) | You'll never escape this place alive. There are guards right outside the Axis Pub doors. / / I know. I'm really sorry about this. http://www.goats.com/archive/060413.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 17 / 2006: the programmer (25) | That chunk of bartop you saw when you first got here was the only thing that wasn't vaporized in the explosion. / / I may be a God-eating atheist, but even I know it's a sin to blow up a pub. / Amen, brother. / While Blast Masterson's attack didn't succeed in totally obliterating Topeka Prime's axis pub, it did give the Topekans pause. / / Why? Why did we not see this coming? / Brother Weetabix, you know better than anyone that the Almanac is a... work in progress. Hell, it's more holes than cheese. It helps guide us, but there's no way to have complete knowledge of an infinite universe. / / That is no longer good enough. For the safety of our children and the survival of our empire of fresh produce, we can no longer afford anything less than total information awareness. http://www.goats.com/archive/060417.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 18 / 2006: the programmer (26) | The only way the Topekans could achieve total information awareness was to make a recording of a complete, full-bore high-speed simulation of the entire universe. / / I thought you said their computers weren't up to the task. / They weren't. But as you know, the Topekans aren't opposed to bringing in outside expertise. They sent a party of Code-Monks to the lower consulting realms of domain eighteen. / / There, they met with the one entity in the multiverse that could possibly help them. / Hi everyone. Great to see you all. So. Tell me how we can help facilitate rearchitecture of your mission-critical platforms. http://www.goats.com/archive/060418.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 19 / 2006: the programmer (27) | Your consulting firm is mentioned in the comments of the Universal Source Code. / Well, we have a lot of experience in that vertical. / / Then you must build for us a computer powerful enough to run it, so we may discover all the secret, hidden naughty bits of the universe for ourselves. / Sure thing. What's your budget like? / / Budget? This is not open for negotiation! Universal truth is our birthright. It is God's will that you give it to us. / I really do wish we could give this stuff away, but this level of service we provide requires expertise. / / Ixcatzin here is one of our top techies! Say hi to the nice people, Ix. / Gragh. / He's very excited for this project. / / I can't very well let our staff go hungry, can I? And our rates are so very, very reasonable. So what do you say? http://www.goats.com/archive/060419.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 20 / 2006: the programmer (28) | Six thousand years later, the consultants delivered the very first quantum DNA cowputer specification, along with Clara's grandmother, Ursula. / It only took three years to create, but no one could agree on the color. They went with gold. / Tacky. / / The Topekan people looked to Ursula to usher them into a new age, an age of peaceful and profitable cooperation throughout the multiverse. An age without fear of the unknown. / / The age of total information awareness. So they ran the simulation. And it was good. / Sweet! You can see my house! / / Until it crashed several minutes later. / Oh Shit! / Not all information is good to know. http://www.goats.com/archive/060420.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 24 / 2006: the programmer (29) | The simulation was run over and over again, with the same result: A fatal crash error would occur at exactly midnight on December 21, 2012. / I don't get it. The equipment is running just fine and we're using an exact duplicate of the Universe 1.3 source code. / / Check this out. The actual cause of the crash changes each time. Which you'd expect, due to the bubbles in the quantum foam. / Of course. / / But the time of the crash is exactly the same in every simulation, down to the yoctosecond. / Creepy. / / Yeah. / So how much time does the real universe have left? / / A little more than two hundred years. / That soon? Looks like you are going to die a virgin. http://www.goats.com/archive/060424.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 25 / 2006: the programmer (30) | The Topekans called the consultant for technical support. / Your universal source code is buggy! / / We didn't sell you that code. That code is freeware, and as such is unsupported. We just supplied the cow. / / It uses a Mayan calendar function! / Many of our programmers are Mayans. / / The Mayan calendar ends in December 2012. Along with the entire universe. / We didn't want to impose our Gregorian-centric culture on the programmers. We believe that diversity in our employee base is an asset. / / You know how hard it is to get universal uptime for as long as we've had so far? It's like nailing Jell-o to a tree. It's difficult. / / Hey. You've got two hundred years left. That's great! I say make the most of them. Me, I like to go base-jumping on the weekends. Chicks dig it, you know? / I'm a chick. / Listen, I've got another call coming through. http://www.goats.com/archive/060425.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 26 / 2006: the programmer (31) | That Code Monk looks familiar. / That's the old lady. Wheatina. She had the Knack back then, too. / / Four years later, she became Topeka Prime's youngest Farmer ever. / And the most bloodthirsty too. She's runnin' wars in half the levels of this domain alone. / / When she took the throne, she swore that she'd do whatever it took to save the multiverse. / Which seems to involve blowing up lots of people and then trying to sell them snacks. They call it 'pre-emptive marketing'. / / That's crazy. How does that help save the multiverse? / It doesn't. But it gave them something to do while they were waiting around for you to show up. / The Topekans like to feel productive. http://www.goats.com/archive/060426.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 27 / 2006: the programmer (32) | So they waited two hundred years to bring me here to fix a bug in an ancient Mayan calendar function? That's not very proactive. / / They can't do a thing until they get the laptop that the universe is running on. / Let me guess. The laptop was eaten by a dragon who is inside a cave which is full of spinning razor bades and I have to fight the dragon with a laser sword. / No, but that would be very cool. / / Simulations show the laptop is in the level at the very center of the multiverse. We need to go there before we can fix it. / / Why don't you just have one of those jail bait farmer's daughters slide on up the pub axis and bring it back? / The multiverse core has no axis pub. There's no point of entry. / / Your job is to breach the skin between worlds. / You get to hack into the universal core. / Do I get to destroy Sark and the MCP too? http://www.goats.com/archive/060427.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 01 / 2006: the wound (1) | Look, I admit it. I'm an awesome programmer. I once programmed an Aibo that could fight Chuck Norris to a stalemate. I programmed a lemon, damnit. / / But why me? Why not some other ASCII jockey? / It's prophecy! It is written in the Almanac. / You know any other gray dudes who like to drink beer and eat dieties? / / Well, there's this one guy I know, but he can't program to save his life. / / You will program for us, programmer, or you will die. / Oh God, it's not in Logo, is it? http://www.goats.com/archive/060501.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 02 / 2006: the wound (2) | This is a portable biocomputer that we liberated from those wretched Topekan swine. You'll use it to interface with the wound. / Pigs made a turtle Newton. Check. / / Don't feign idiocy. We know who you are. / I'm not feigning anything. This is genuine idiocy. / / Deny it all you want, it doesn't matter. We know you were going to work for them, and we know you're working for us now. / What do you want me to do? / / We want you to make us a weapon. http://www.goats.com/archive/060502.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 03 / 2006: the wound (3) | You want me to make you a weapon? What, is this giant pile of guns not doing it for you? / / These? These are toys. We need a weapon that can destroy an entire level of existence. / / You're serious. / Toshi Diplo is always serious. / Middle Pangaeans have no sense of humor. / / But you make up for it with a keen fashion sense. Where do you guys shop? The Thunderdome? / I craft my clothing from the skins of my enemies. / I usually go to Old Navy. http://www.goats.com/archive/060503.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 04 / 2006: the wound (4) | You have the technical knowledge to create and manipulate dimensional ruptures, correct? / Incorrect, actually. I have the knowledge to reheat a burrito in a microwave. That's the full extent of my technical prowess. / / Our surveillance indicates otherwise. Topekan documents have been recovered confirming that a pub stub customer was to be recovered at exactly the time we found you there. / / The programmer is said to be a gray-skinned male who loves beverages and dies choking on trail mix. / I never died once! I don't even like trail mix. You must be mistaking me for Phillip. / / I saw no others in that pub but you. And there are ways to die choking on trail mix that are involuntary. / And I have a package of trail mix. / I should probably just get straight to work, then. http://www.goats.com/archive/060504.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 08 / 2006: the wound (5) | She's mean. You're all mean people. Well, except for you. You're a mean lizard. / We have names. / / Congratulations. Perhaps civilization isn't completely out of grasp for you. / My name is Glock. What you would call civilization is what we call madness. / / And living in the desert without shelter is the height of sanity. / The Middle Pangaeans don't like buildings. They're too permanent, too much structure. / / I take it you're a Middle Pangaean, then? / No. I'm a lizard, remember? Duh. http://www.goats.com/archive/060508.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 09 / 2006: the wound (6) | What the? / *** WELCOME TO TURTLE OS 1.3b ***
/ COPYRIGHT 23477.2.22 HARVESTSEASON
/ TOPEKASOFT VENTURE
/ "It's Turtles All The Way Down"
/
/ SHELL:> BEGIN autoboot.qdf -t -r
/ SHELL:> LOADING Miniverse Creator
/ Platinum Shareware Edition
/ *UNREGISTERED*
/
/ SHELL:> MINIVERSE create Localverse
/ -m 10m deg
/ SHELL:> Universe not found. Try
/ again? Y/N [Cursor] / Goddamn it. / / I'm having some networking issues I think. / Give it here. / / A quantum biocomputer carries out computational tasks by hijacking local multiverse bandwidth. It shapes the stolen bits into its own small, contained universe which can be manipulated in just about any way you can imagine. If you know what you're doing. / / Right now you're trying to tap into the wound, and the wound is a part of the multiverse that ain't exactly there, you dig? You've got to trick the turtle into seeing what it doesn't want to. / / We could get it drunk. / Aye, you could, if you wanted a drunken, vengeful, omnipotent turtle on your hands. / Like Gamera? http://www.goats.com/archive/060509.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 10 / 2006: the wound (7) | I've tweaked the prefs a bit. You should be able to access The Wound directly now. / Thanks. You're a latter-day saint. / / Look, mister, you seem to grok this computer stuff pretty well. You give it a whirl! I'll go get us a couple ice cream sandwiches. My treat. / No, I think not. I'm not the legendary programmer. I'm just a lizard, remember? / / Free frigging ice cream sandwich, man! It's the dessert equivalent of casual sex. Think about those tight, chocolatey wafer cookies. Think about running your tongue between them, up the length of that sweet, cream-filled velvet seam along the side. Yum. / / There's no better way to beat the meat. / Heat! I meant heat. / Get me two. http://www.goats.com/archive/060510.html |
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