You're browsing the archives of Goats.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
| Goats comic strip from January / 19 / 2006: but you can't stay here (4) | I have zeen eet all! Butcherings, stranglings, squooshings, you name eet. I guess when you are cooped up weeth someone for a few decades eventually you get ze desire for ze murdering. / / Eet ees depressing to be certain, because I like to theenk I run a nice establishment, not ze sort of place zat drives people to HOMOCIDAL FITS OF VIOLENCE. / / Zere is always ze FRESH KEG, ze SLICE OF LIME. Ze tiny bowl of Chex Mix. / / But don't le me get you down! You two are ze BEST OF FRIENDS, I am sure. You will buck ze trend. http://www.goats.com/archive/060119.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 23 / 2006: but you can't stay here (5) | Somehow I've always known that I would have to kill you someday. / And somehow I've always known that Russian dressing is just mayo and ketchup mixed together. / / I am not entirely alone here, you know. I have my good friend Bessie to keep me company. Do you want Bessie to say hello to you? / / No. / No. / / Then take a seat and I will pour us an exquisite single malt imported from the Scottish highlands dimension. / Alfred may be the greatest bartender of all time. / I wonder if he's seeing anyone. http://www.goats.com/archive/060123.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 24 / 2006: but you can't stay here (6) | Alfred, if you've had other customers, how did they get here? / I guess most slide down ze pub axis. But you have to have ze KNACK for eet. / What's the KNACK? / / / Well HELLO there y'all! / For instance, SHE has ze knack. / You can say that again. / She has ze knack. http://www.goats.com/archive/060124.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 25 / 2006: but you can't stay here (7) | It's truly an honor to meet you. My name is FARMELLA CUMMINGTON-BLOOMERS. I'm a farmer's daughter from the nearby farming dimension of Topeka Prime. / You've GOT to be kidding me. / / Your arrival here has long been foretold in the GREAT FARMER'S ALMANAC. I've been sent to retrieve you from the Pub Stub. / / I choose not deal with any of this. / Zat eez an excellent strategy, sir. The problem weeth having an infinite number of planes of existence eez zat zis sort of ridiculously improbable event, she eez happening almost all ze time. It eez best not to let it get to you. / No need to get all huffy. I'm not here for you. I'm here for the PROGRAMMER. http://www.goats.com/archive/060125.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 26 / 2006: but you can't stay here (8) | You're not just going to follow her to some strange dimension, are you? You don't know where that dimension has BEEN. / Let's apply the usual standard: what would Kirk do? / / Kirk would go boff the green Orion slave girl. / He wouldn't even stop to take off his girdle. / / But you're married. / Jon, what happens in the farming dimension, stays in the farming dimension. / / So it's not really cheating if you're in an alternate state of existence? / Like Vegas. Dunno if you noticed, but we're not in Kansas anymore. / / But you're going there now. / It's either that or I eventually bludgeon you with a barstool. / I'll help you pack. http://www.goats.com/archive/060126.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 30 / 2006: but you can't stay here (9) | Here. I put together a bindle for you. / I... I've always wanted a bindle. / / You go ahead now and run off with that redheaded tart. I'll be fine here, subsisting on a steady diet of bar snacks and self-pity. / Thanks, man. / / Oh, Jon? / Yes? / / I was the one that took a dump in your chocolate fudge brownie ice cream last year. / / / COCKFUCKER!! http://www.goats.com/archive/060130.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 31 / 2006: but you can't stay here (10) | No, seriously, I'm fine with this. This is GREAT. / You do not appear to be fine. / / What's there not to be fine about? The source of every single one of my problems is gone, just like THAT. / / I mean, sure, he's off diddling barely legals in a haystack while I'm living in a place that has not seen fresh produce in fifty millenia. You can't dwell on that. / / The key, here, I think, is that it's an overall improvement over my previous situation. The key is to think POSITIVELY. / Sir, please, you're going to strain yourself. / / Ug. Oh gob. / Too much personal growth all at once, I theenk. Baby steps, yes? / PFHSHT PFHSHT http://www.goats.com/archive/060131.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 01 / 2006: but you can't stay here (11) | I've been here for five years, Alfred. / Congratulations, sir! I will make ze cupcakes for you. / / I've barely managed to hold on to what little sanity I had when I got here. I don't know if I'm going to last much longer. / It looks like we are out of ze cupcakes mix. Sorry! / And there it goes. Bye-bye, lucidity. Adio, reason. / / Well, I suppose it could be worse. / / / See? I was right. / CLICK KA-CHUNK KA-CLICK CLICK http://www.goats.com/archive/060201.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 02 / 2006: but you can't stay here (12) | YOU! Are you the PROGRAMMER? / / I know a little Javascript. / / You're coming with us. http://www.goats.com/archive/060202.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 07 / 2006: good phil hunting (1) | ZOT! / / I still say it smells like a thousand dead sea monkeys in here. How did your noggin hold up this time? / / It looks like the Faraday cage I was able to construct from that Juicyfruit gum wrapper is adequately protecting my cybernetic bits from the electromagnetic pulse given off by the transport. / You're speaking JIBBERISH. Let's test your memory. / / Who was the puppeteer who portrayed the yeti lumberjack king in the third scene of "GOOD HITLER SAVES CANADA"? / I haven't a clue. People who waste their time with that sort of quasi-intellectual minutia are a waste of system resources. / / Who are you to judge? You just shoved a GUM WRAPPER in your brain. / Come on. We have a programmer to find. http://www.goats.com/archive/060207.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 08 / 2006: good phil hunting (2) | You don't know where he is? / Phillip and Jon haven't been here for days. I haven't a clue where they are and, frankly, it's been a nice vacation. / / You looking for those lousy deadbeats? I see them skip out on check two days ago. You tell lazy nerds they owe three months bar tab still! / / Where are they now? / Some crazy spider robot come and take them to alternate plane of existence. Make loud noise, scare other customer, run out on bill. Just like N.Y.U. frat boys. / / DAMMIT! Oliver must have gotten to them before we exiled him. / So how do we track down Phillip now? / We ask Oliver where he is. http://www.goats.com/archive/060208.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 09 / 2006: good phil hunting (3) | What are we doing back here? I thought we were going to find Oliver. / Well, we asked Tarfon to send Oliver to a random destination, but as we all know, computers are incapable of creating truly random numbers. / / Oh yes, we all know that. / Computers use an external "seed" number in combination with a complex mathematical formula in order to create a random number. / / The result appears random, but if you feed the equation the same seed again you'll end up with the same number. / More jibberish! How does this help us find Oliver? / / By returning here, we're trying to replicate the conditions under which we banished Oliver so we can wind up in the same place he and his flunkies went. / And if we fail to replicate the conditions exactly? / / Most likely we'll wind up in some random level of existence with no frame of reference to calculate a route home. / There is no amount of sarcasm that will allow me to adequately express just how terrible this plan is. http://www.goats.com/archive/060209.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 13 / 2006: good phil hunting (4) | Look, you're just going to have to trust me on this one. It'll be a CAKEWALK. / Have you ever tried walking on cake? It's harder than it sounds. / / We pop in. We taunt Oliver until he inadvertently blabs the information we want. We go get Phillip, and we bring him back here to fix the code running on Woody's laptop. Simple. / You're an optimist! That's so cute. / Tarfon, activate transport. / / ZOT! / / / Gus, do me a favor and put this somewhere safe. / You got it, Boss http://www.goats.com/archive/060213.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 14 / 2006: good phil hunting (5) | Oh. My. GOD. / I think this stench should be proof enought that God is dead. He'd never allow this. / / What is this place? What is this STUFF? / This is what it must feel like for Bill when he has to have sex with Hillary. / / It's like my lungs are filled with SLUGS. / It smells like a dog died inside of another dog. http://www.goats.com/archive/060214.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 15 / 2006: good phil hunting (6) | Let's start making our way up towards those rocks. / Oh, brilliant idea. Let's just wade across a lake of foul-smelling mucus for no apparent reason. / / If Oliver ended up here that's probably the direction he would have went. / I don't think Oliver is here. / / How could you possibly know that? / Well, I can HOPE it, because if we exiled him HERE he's going to kill us on sight. / / Your hope is misplaced. If Oliver's not on this plane that means we miscalculated our trajectory, and we're somewhere off the grid with no reference points to guide us home. / Universal apocalypse is looking more and more like a sensible alternative. http://www.goats.com/archive/060215.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 16 / 2006: good phil hunting (7) | The stench isn't so bad up here. / I think the scale of relative badness is broken in this place. / / We'll stow the robot between these two pillars. I don't want Oliver getting anywhere near this thing. / Okay, Chairman Mao, where to now? We go on a long march to nowhere? / / No. / We follow these guys. / / This is EXACTLY why I won't eat French cuisine. / Quiet! http://www.goats.com/archive/060216.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 20 / 2006: good phil hunting (8) | You want to follow a bunch of armed slugs? They smell worse than EUROPEANS. / They must have some sort of camp nearby. / / We'll shadow them, gather intelligence, and mount a six-month search campaign covering the most likely areas Oliver might have travelled to. / / Nuh-uh. I'm tired of taking orders, and there's no way I'm spending half a year here. I have a better idea. / / Hey guys! I know you're pretty busy hefting spears and sliding around in your own waste products, but could you spend like five minutes trying to invent personal hygiene? / / THAT was your better idea? / I got us a ride. http://www.goats.com/archive/060220.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 21 / 2006: good phil hunting (9) | Oh, quit yer bitching. This isn't so bad. / / Name one redeeming quality of our current situation. / We can pretend we're salamis hanging in a delicatessen. / / I don't think we need to pretend that. / Dags-nabbit, now I got myself all hungry. / / Excuse me, slugs? Do you guys have anything to eat? / / You will be provided a last meal before your executions. / Do you like cupcakes? http://www.goats.com/archive/060221.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 22 / 2006: good phil hunting (10) | How convenient! Slugs that speak english. / We speak the traveller's tongue only to cursed outsiders like yourselves. / Someone said something about CUPCAKES? / / Someone also said something about our EXECUTION. The cupcakes can wait. / I don't want to die on an empty stomach. / / These are the last of our cupcakes. / The rest were stolen by the Truhulu raiding parties and their outsider masters. OUTSIDERS LIKE YOU. / / May you slowly digest these cupcakes in the underworld as your souls burn for ten thousand years in the fire of the demon. / Yummy! / / You know, all we've seen since we got here are rocks and slime. What are these made from? / You don't really want to know. http://www.goats.com/archive/060222.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 23 / 2006: good phil hunting (11) | Now that you have eaten your ceremonial cupcake we will stab you until you are dead. / Then we will engage in celebratory hermaphroditic mating, writhing over your corpses in a giant, slimy, orgiastic ball of spite. / At least we get to be dead for that. / / WAIT, please! Tell us about these raiders that have stolen all your food. Perhaps we can HELP. / / The TRUHULU and SNEDROFF clans have been enemies since the dawn of time, but there has been a DÉTENTE for many years. / Until the OUTSIDERS came. / They are strange and bizarre aliens, HORRIBLE to behold. They locomote on sticks like your friend here does. / Two are giants, huge creatures that ride on the backs of Truhulu, wielding sticks and rocks and other weapons of mass destruction. / But they are nothing compared to their LEADER. He is small and yellow and issues forth a TERRIBLE STREAM OF PROFANITY. http://www.goats.com/archive/060223.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 27 / 2006: good phil hunting (12) | Sounds like Oliver hasn't wasted any time here. / Look, folks, we know that little yellow dude. We hate him just as much as you do, although I also love him as a son. I'm not embarrassed to admit that. / / I mean, c'mon, you're HERMAPHRODITES. Like a little SON-LOVING could ever compare to the embarrassment potential of having TWO DING-DONGS. / / Can I get something to drink? Thanks, Babe. Anyway, where were we? AH YES. The point is that we'd love to help you get a handle on your OUTSIDER PROBLEM, and we think we can do it for a lot less than the competition. / / So? What do you say? / We must discuss this amongst ourselves. Excuse me for one moment. / / Prepare yourself. We're going to have to FIGHT. / These guys? Nah. You watch, they totally bought it. / / If you help us get rid of the outsiders and return peace to our land, we will only stab you half as much as we were going to. / DEAL! http://www.goats.com/archive/060227.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 28 / 2006: good phil hunting (13) | What do you mean, DEAL? Fifty percent fewer stabbings is still one hundred percent LETHAL. / You're pretty stupid for a cyborg genius-type. / / I just bought us a TON of time. If we hang in for a little longer the slugs will take us straight to Oliver. / / First, we goad them into battle with these other slugs they're not so keen about. In the ensuing chaos, we stuff Oliver in a Ziploc bag and hightail it out of there. / / It could work. What then? / Then I spank him on the patoot until he tells us where Phillip is. / SPANK him. / / What? That's not PERVY. I'm his DAD. I can spank him like a Mexican cleaning woman if I want to. / GIANT SPINNING MAGNETS won't erase that image from my mind. http://www.goats.com/archive/060228.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 01 / 2006: good phil hunting (14) | I've got to admit, you've got a good plan there. / You're not the only ballerina at this recital, mister. / / What's your name, Sluggy Threeglance? / There are some who call me... FLEN. / Flen, we're going to need some things. / / Our resources are at your disposal. / First, I need a map of the village. It should include the routes the Truhulu raides take. / / I'm also going to need all your spear-crafters. / Yeah. Get those crafters out here STAT. / / And finally, I'm going to need TWENTY KILOGRAMS of WEAPONS-GRADE PLUTONIUM. / Is plutonium anything like a cupcake? / Well, it was worth a shot. http://www.goats.com/archive/060301.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 02 / 2006: good phil hunting (15) | Well, things have certainly turned sunny-side up for us. / It's taking too long. / / You were the one planning a six-month recon mission just a while ago. / Based on the evidence so far, it's an extremely hostile universe. There's no way Phillip will last SIX DAYS out here. / / You're right. He's TOO STUPID TO LIVE. / By my calculations, he's probably been killed five times already. / SAVE "slimeworld",8 / / Come take a LAY in our HAY! It's the softest, most technologically advanced hay in all of the multiverse. / Thank you. / LOAD "topeka_prime",8,1 / / What in the name of the HOLY PORKMONSTER of PIGULON TWELVE is going on in here?! http://www.goats.com/archive/060302.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 06 / 2006: the programmer (1) | FARMHAND BEAN! What're you doing inside the shrine? / / Daughter Farmella! I didn't know y'all were in here. I thought, what with all the ruckus, it might be a cow-snatcher or sumpthin'. Almost shot you with ol' Bessie here! / / You know well enough that no cow-snatcher could fit in here. / Who's this gray fella you got witcha? / / He's the PROGRAMMER. I've brought him back from the Pub Stub. / The Programmer? You SERIOUS?! Well, heck, and lookit me without mah autograph papers. / / Never mind that, Bean. Go tell the Farmer we've returned. She'll want to confab with the Programmer right-aways. / I don't got mah papers, but I do got a creamy innner thigh you could take a Sharpie to. / I think my libido has whiplash. http://www.goats.com/archive/060306.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 07 / 2006: the programmer (2) | I'm awful sorry about that. Farmhand Bean has forgotten his place. / / He will sleep with the cows tonight. / I'm sure he will. As for me, I could use a beer. I was told there was one of those Pub dealies on every level? / / You're standing where it used to be. The Axis Pub for Topeka Prime's level was razed many thousands of seasons ago. This is all that's left. / / Since that day all of Topeka Prime has been dry. / DRY? / / No ale will be brewed here until God's thirst for REVENGE is slaked with the BLOOD of the children of the destroyers of His holy Pub. / How about a lager, then? There could be some lager left in here maybe. http://www.goats.com/archive/060307.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 08 / 2006: the programmer (3) | You've got to send me back to the Pub Stub. I'll come right back, I promise, just as soon as I figure out how to run copper tubing from there to here. / / There's no time for yer fancy indoor plumbin'. Every minute wasted is a minute we're closer to being deleted in THE BIG CRASH. The end of the universe is upon us! / / That's okay with me. There's bound to be drinks at a big event like tha... Oh. / / Come on. I'll take you to meet my ma. http://www.goats.com/archive/060308.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 09 / 2006: the programmer (4) | You know, it may be a bit early for us to be introducing each other to our respective parents, seeing as we come from such different backgrounds. Also, I seem to recall now that I am MARRIED. YES! / / And I think it would be a BAD IDEA for me to be meeting anyone's mother SOBER. I can't even speak to my own mother on the phone without a healthy portion of single malt. / / Why do you fight your destiny, Programmer? It is GOD'S WILL that you are here. / You know, I met him once! Weird guy. Dressed like a PIRATE. / / Tasted pretty good though. http://www.goats.com/archive/060309.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 13 / 2006: the programmer (5) | You went to the SHRINE? You know that travel outside the complex is FORBIDDEN during cow-snatcher season. / / I beg your pardon, Farmer, but I have brought THE PROGRAMMER. / Howdy. Nice farming dimension you've got here. / / Oh, impetuous youth. This was too soon. He ain't ripe. He could have aged for millenia in the Stub before ya fulfilled the prophecy. / I couldn't wait an extra minute, mother. I could not let him suffer an eternity in there, regardless of the consequences. / / You were thinking with your LOINS, Farmella. You have the brain of a goat in heat. Ah well. Let's see if we can't still make crap into CRAP-ADE. http://www.goats.com/archive/060313.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 14 / 2006: the programmer (6) | We can talk privately here. / I swear, Ma'am, there was no humping, bonking, banging or any other sort of daughter-porking going on. / / Oh, I know. Farmella is many things, but she would never abandon her people in their time of need, even if she does think she loves you. / LOVES ME? Lady, I met her half an hour ago. / / More than enough time for a nineteen-year old girl when she has been anticipating this meeting since her calving. But she has been practicing the knack for nineteen years as well. / You're making less sense than an epileptic auctioneer. / / I'll make it simple for your simple mind. If ya screw my daughter, she won't be able to travel between worlds no more. And if she can't do that, then we'll all die here in seven years time. Including YOU. http://www.goats.com/archive/060314.html |
Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60
61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 >>