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| Goats comic strip from November / 28 / 2005: guest week(s) 2005 (11) | The fact you can't think of a punchline for this guest strip is the least of your problems! This is crap! What's going on here? Why are Diablo and Toothgnip in a penis ship? This doesn't make sense / It's because of garbage like this that everyone hates you so much / / I thought you said people hate me because of my weird chin / Your ability to be hated is a many layered and exciting thing / Damn it! I gotta have lunch with the personifications of both T. Campbell's and John Allison's personalities next week and this junk doesn't make it more pleasant. I can see it all now / / And then T. submitted his history of webcomics for publication. Of course, he was a few minutes late 'cuz he had to assist in the birth of a baby panda / Good show! John's pumping out a few more books as well. He'd have twice as many done but, you know, his hobby of healing lepers eats so much time. / How's your boy, Rippy? / / Oh, uh... he's okay. Y'know, he drew a guest strip for "Goats" last week... submitted it late... uh... it involved a space travelling dildo, of course / / Oh, well. Er, the world needs dildo jokes, too. It helps us appreciate the good comics / Stiff upper lip, old man. It will get better, I promise you. He has to die eventually / / Your support is duly noted / Mmmhmmm. Yup, that's the citrusy taste of failure alright http://www.goats.com/archive/051128.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 29 / 2005: infinite typewriters: final edit (1) | They peed SANKA on me, Carl. / SANKA. / Quiet, Roger. I hear something. / CLANK CLANK / / They're coming back for more. What's it this time? Windex? NEW COKE? / Let us pray that death comes swiftly. / / SSHHHWIK / You have a choice, gentlemen. You can sit here yankin' on each other's candles. / Or you can come with me to fight God. http://www.goats.com/archive/051129.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 30 / 2005: infinite typewriters: final edit (2) | Listen, little fella, me and Carl were wondering... why exactly does God need to be fought? / Not that we're not up for it. / / I figure he's got it coming. / For what? / / You know, STUFF. We can figure out specifics later. / See? Now that's effective, goal-oriented leadership. http://www.goats.com/archive/051130.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 01 / 2005: infinite typewriters: final edit (3) | It's about twenty feet to the ground. We should survive the jump. / You joking? I'm not jumping out of no flying saucer. / / KICK! / / There. Now you have something soft to land on. http://www.goats.com/archive/051201.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 05 / 2005: infinite typewriters: final edit (4) | Get up off your asses, boys. This ain't no union shop. We need to find cover before that spaceship starts raining laser-fire down on us. / There's a billboard one hundred meters east of here. / / That ain't no billboard. / That's a SIGN. http://www.goats.com/archive/051205.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 06 / 2005: infinite typewriters: final edit (5) | What in John Paul Junior's name is THAT? / This is our ticket out of this hole. That is, it will be as soon as we find ourselves another goddamn potato. / / This thing will take us clear across the universe, but we need to cram some fresh taters in it first. / It's a good thing I pocketed that potato we ordered right before we left the diner. / / You put a potato in your pocket? / You know I get hypoglycemic. http://www.goats.com/archive/051206.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 07 / 2005: infinite typewriters: final edit (6) | There. She's ready to go. / To go where? / I don't know. I didn't think through this part of the plan. / / You didn't THINK. / WHAT? Like you know God's transdimensional coordinates? You got a YELLOW PAGES you're not sharing with us? / Why don't you ask ME, Oliver? I know where God is. I can even send you to meet him. http://www.goats.com/archive/051207.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 08 / 2005: infinite typewriters: final edit (7) | FINEAS! You're... you're transparent? / And you're sticking out of the neck of a corpse. Can we move on? We have pressing matters to attend to. / / You're still stuck in the other dimension, aren't you? Yer not really here. / You shouldn't have left so soon, Oliver. This is a very interesting place. / POKE POKE / I think you'd like it here. / / Dammit, you found the source of all the convenient plot twists, didn't you? You found GOD. / Yes, I found God. And I KILLED HIM. http://www.goats.com/archive/051208.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 12 / 2005: infinite typewriters: final edit (8) | Wait a second. YOU killed GOD? Let's forget about the implausibility factor of that statement for a moment. I thought you were the "conflicted, but ultimately good" type. / / You think you UNDERSTAND me? I, who have been betrayed by those who called me friend? I, who have died and been resurrected to life eternal? I, who am all-seeing, all-knowing, all-powerful, transcending the very BOUNDARIES of TIME and SPACE themselves?? / / I am taking my rightful place as GODHEAD of this universe. God is DEAD. LONG LIVE GOD! http://www.goats.com/archive/051212.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 13 / 2005: infinite typewriters: final edit (9) | You're taking over for GOD? You stole my goddamned idea! / You've never had an original idea in your life. / / This is all bullshit, anyhow. You couldn't pick a flea out of a dead dog's ass. You expect me to believe you defeated God? / How else do you explain how I can project my image across the interdimensional void just to mock you? / / This is TERRIBLE. If God is dead, where am I supposed to vent all my repressed anger? Who am I supposed to blame? http://www.goats.com/archive/051213.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 14 / 2005: infinite typewriters: final edit (10) | You could do something productive. Maybe take an art class. / Oh, no. It's far, FAR too late for an art class. / / If you've taken over for God, then I'll just have to fight YOU instead. / You'll have to come here and visit, then. I'm much too busy running the universe to make house calls. / / You know where we are. We're right where you left us, at the center of the universe. And will you be so kind as to bring my robot with you? THANKS. http://www.goats.com/archive/051214.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 15 / 2005: infinite typewriters: final edit (11) | Guys, we're going to a place with a lot of monkeys and fishes and stuff. Just beat the tar out of any animals you see, okay? / Got it, boss. / / ZOT! / Tarfon, set transport coordinates for that god-awful monkey dimension and open a static portal. / / / Follow them in. http://www.goats.com/archive/051215.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 19 / 2005: infinite typewriters: final edit (12) | He's on his way / Who? OLIVER? / See? I told you he'd be here. / / And he's bringing some hired muscle. / That's wonderful, because we have some rocks over there that I wanted to rearrange a bit, see if I can't get a more feng shui thing going on. I'd do it myself but I threw my back out last week carrying lox home from Zabar's. / / Eep. / / I'll throw the REST of you out if you don't sheket b'vakasha. / OLIVER! What did I tell you about antisemitism outside the house? http://www.goats.com/archive/051219.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 20 / 2005: infinite typewriters: final edit (13) | You don't get to tell me what to do anymore, old man. Your time is THROUGH. / / I don't care WHAT these monkeys say. I'm still your FATHER. You will put down that movie director, take off that FILTHY corpse and apologize to everyone here for being so RUDE. / / Oh my GOD. / I've turned into Jon. / / You're not my REAL father. My REAL father was a psychotic motorcycle enthusiast whose only crime, aside from a few larcenies and murders, was that he loved Star Trek too much. My real father is DEAD. As will you all be in a few minutes. / Not if I can help it. Fanbase! ATTACK!! http://www.goats.com/archive/051220.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 21 / 2005: infinite typewriters: final edit (14) | Roger, when we first started art school fifteen years ago, did you ever imagine it would all end like this? / No, Carl, can't say that I did. http://www.goats.com/archive/051221.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 22 / 2005: infinite typewriters: final edit (15) | KZZOK KZZOK / / KZZOK / / Looks like momma was right. Things can ALWAYS get worse. / / Attention all monkeys, chickens, bikers and whatnot. You will surrender to us the following three items or face immediate vaporization. One: The matchbook of Xibalba. Two: The transport robot. Three: The traitors Diablo, Oliver and Fineas. / That's FIVE items! http://www.goats.com/archive/051222.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 26 / 2005: infinite typewriters: final edit (16) | See, I have an even better idea. You fly right the hell back where you came from. Or I'm going to reboot the universe. / POWER SWITCH / / You can't do that! We're running off of that laptop, too! We'll be stuck in Nietzche's Eternal Recurrence! Forever! / Our lives would be an endless loop of violence and poor career decisions. / / FINE. Then I'll just turn off the power. http://www.goats.com/archive/051226.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 28 / 2005: infinite typewriters: final edit (17) | Back off, boys. He may be telling the truth about the laptop. I can't get a good read on him. / You wouldn't! You'd destroy yourself in the process! / / Wouldn't I? A suicide-prone fish with an unstable split personality? Let's think about this, fellas. / / But WHY?! Why would you do this? / Oh, just good old-fashioned SPITE, I suppose. http://www.goats.com/archive/051228.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 29 / 2005: infinite typewriters: final edit (18) | I say he's BLUFFING. / We can't afford the risk. I can't see what he is thinking... it's muddled. Like he's of two minds about it. / / FINEAS! Give me the matchbox, and I'll spare your lives. Just walk away. I will give you safe passage in the wasteland. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror. / Wasteland? / What about our SINGULARITY? / / Tarfon, set portal coordinates to the current location of the spacecraft and open on a random destination, instant transport. / / ZOT! / / Where the HELL did you just send them? / Why? You planning on send out Christmas cards? They were a distraction, and we have business to attend to. http://www.goats.com/archive/051229.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 02 / 2006: infinite typewriters: final edit (19) | Give up the laptop little fish, or I'll transport you somewhere that smells even worse than it does here. / Oh, I doubt you could target quite that precisely. Do you really want to risk losing this? / / We both know that deep down you're too much of a goody two-shoes to pull the trigger on the entire universe. So why don't we stop playing this game? / / You're right, of course. In the end, I just don't have it in me. But I bet I can terminate your process and still sleep well tonight. / Clickety Click http://www.goats.com/archive/060102.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 03 / 2006: infinite typewriters: final edit (20) | Wait a second. I tried to delete Oliver before. / SHH! Say no evil. / / Go ahead! Erase me from your little box! I'll still find a way to come back and kick your scaly ass. / NO! Wait! / Click clickety click / / Wait. Please. / Don't kill him. http://www.goats.com/archive/060103.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 04 / 2006: infinite typewriters: final edit (21) | I don't need you to stick up for me, old man! / Fineas, please, don't do this. Don't destroy my son. / / Diablo, are you insane? We can't leave him alive. His ambition is limitless. / There has to be an alternative. / / / Tarfon, open a static portal to anywhere that's not here. / / Thank you. / Don't thank me. You owe me one. http://www.goats.com/archive/060104.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 05 / 2006: infinite typewriters: final edit (22) | You're just going to strand us in some backwater dimension with no way home? / You didn't seem to mind doing the same thing to Toothgnip. / / I'd rather you kill me now. / Lucky for you that your father feels differently. / / He's not my father. I have no father. / / Well, the action bits were pretty good, but my aorta is clogged from all the melodrama. / Shut up, Gus. If you were writing this it would have an all-lesbian cast. / You say that as if it were a bad thing. http://www.goats.com/archive/060105.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 09 / 2006: infinite typewriters: final edit (23) | I am SO ashamed of myself. When did I become such a sappy, whiny sentimental bastard? / There's no time for recursive whining. We have WORK to do. / / WORK? Oh no. We're done here, and I'm going to the friggin' DISNEY DIMENSION. I'm gonna sit in the "Small World" ride for a few days and see how many brain cells I can kill off with the aid of some animatronic Dutch children. / / You do what you want. But you'd better do it quick, because the universe is about to undergo TOTAL PERMANENT FATAL SHUTDOWN. http://www.goats.com/archive/060109.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 10 / 2006: infinite typewriters: final edit (24) | Why do we always have to be ending the universe? Can't we just live in it, like normal people? / When I was connected to the laptop, I had administrator access to all of existence. / / The whole shebang is running on a custom operating system that those ancient Mayan programmers slapped together. They created it using their own Mayan calendar functions. / / So? / The Mayan calendar ends on December 21, 2012. And so do we. / Wow. Bummer. http://www.goats.com/archive/060110.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 11 / 2006: infinite typewriters: final edit (25) | So... how many years do we have left? / In a little less than seven years the whole of existence will simply boil away into nothingness. / / Oh. Because you made it sound kind of urgent. / I'd say this take precedence over most other concerns. / / We could still go to the Disney Dimension for a bit first. / No. / I have coupons! / I said NO. http://www.goats.com/archive/060111.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 12 / 2006: infinite typewriters: final edit (26) | Look, neither you nor I know enough about ancient Mayan programming techniques to do much good here. Let's let the experts take care of things and enjoy what little time we have left. / What experts? / / You have a point. Are there any unpaid interns nearby? Debugging the universe would be good experience. / We may not know how to fix things, but we know someone who might. / / You sure? 'Cause I can't think of anyone smart enough. / I didn't say he was SMART. / SAVE "monkeyworld",8 / / It's Hitchcock from before he died. / Non. Clearly eet eez meant to resemble FRANK GORSHIN. / It's supposed to be a PONY. / LOAD "pub_stub",8,1 http://www.goats.com/archive/060112.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 16 / 2006: but you can't stay here (1) | Well, I'm sorry, but didn't look anything like a pony. / LEMON SCULPTURE MONTH isn't about accuracy. It's about HEART. / / It's about a month too long. I vote we skip ahead to the month where we figure out how to escape from this place. / Then we'd miss Cocktail-Napkin Papier-Mache Month. / / Jon, you still wanting to make ze happy crocodile on page twenty, non? / I don't know why I ever agreed to this schedule. / Papier-mache is Jon's one true weakness. http://www.goats.com/archive/060116.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 17 / 2006: but you can't stay here (2) | How long have we been here, anyway? / Subjective time? Or real-world time? / Both. / / Well, it's about five years subjective time. So back on earth we're probably talking about a couple of days. / But we age at the earth rate, right? / / Yup. / Then what's up with the Z.Z. Top thing you've got going on? / I come from a swarthy people. http://www.goats.com/archive/060117.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 18 / 2006: but you can't stay here (3) | Alfred, we're not your first customers, are we? / Oh, no. Zere have been MANY. I recall zees one group of machine elves, zey were here for at least two hundred years. / / So where are they now? Since there's no escape from the Pub Stub and all that. / / Oh, usually ze customers end up MURDERING each other after a while. Eet eez almost inevitable, you know? / Inevitable? / Well, that explains the MYSTERY FRIES. http://www.goats.com/archive/060118.html |
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