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| Goats comic strip from November / 03 / 2003: killing time (3) | I'm thinking of getting an instructive ass tattoo. / Nice. What for? / / So that people know the restrictions on my ass if they accidentally come in contact with it while I am accidentally unconscious. / Something like "Do not enter?" / / "Fire Department has limited occupancy to 225 people." / I can see where that might come in handy. http://www.goats.com/archive/031103.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 05 / 2003: killing time (4) | Dude, I am so wasted. / Whoa. There's a giant hand in the sky. http://www.goats.com/archive/031105.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 07 / 2003: killing time (5) | That made less sense than Rush Limbaugh on Oxycontin. Where did Neo get his real-world powers from? How did Smith posess a human being? Why the hell did he blow up at the end? / Leprechauns. / / And I suppose Leprechauns are also responsible for all the other plot holes? / You have any other explanation for that lame-ass rainbow sky at the end? / / So where were they hiding? Monica Bellucci's cleavage? / You can only see them with my special Leprechaun goggles. http://www.goats.com/archive/031107.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 10 / 2003: killing time (6) | Movie sequels are made for economic gain and not for the fulfillment of the film maker's original vision!!! / / There. I've said it. / Welcome to the collapse of civilization. Have a beer. http://www.goats.com/archive/031110.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 12 / 2003: killing time (7) | Tap Tap / Dear E-Santa,
/ Hello! I have just started using the electronic mail. Are you the same as the real-life Santa? If no, please do not be angry with me, as I am just an electronic mail beginner and am unfamiliar with your ways. / / Tappity Tap Tap / I do not proscribe to any religion in particular, but in terms of presents, yours seems pretty good. Can anyone get presents, or do you have to be a member? I think it would be very nice of you if non-members could get them as well. / / Tap Tap Tap / Assuming that you are a fairly nice guy, please send me the following: four cans of Red Bull energy beverage, one Monstroid TM brand remote controlled car with Rocket-Crush TM Action, and one uncookable pony.
/ Thanks!
/ Your pal,
/ Fish http://www.goats.com/archive/031112.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 14 / 2003: killing time (8) | I had the wierdest dream last night. / Was it the one where I'm the lead guitarist of "the Spunky Youngsters"? / / Is that a band or a hobby for pedophiliacs? / Rainbow Brite sang lead vocals. She had a voice like owls drowning in molten lead. / / I remember Rainbow Brite. That sassy bitch was an 80's icon. / Not these days. Word is she's working the lunch shift at Hooters. That slut. http://www.goats.com/archive/031114.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 17 / 2003: megagamerz redux (1) | I have joined Monkey Diddlers Anonymous / Jean Claude Van Damme is the founder / / The founder is the most glorious of glories / He shines with the power of a million dead donkeys / / Yo say it again Samuel, Son of Mogh / Today is a good day to make pastries http://www.goats.com/archive/031117.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 19 / 2003: megagamerz redux (2) | I HAVE BEATEN THE NEW MONKEY DIDDLERS ADVENTURE / HOW DID YOU DEFEAT THE REPETITIVENESS VULTURES / / I CALLED UPON THE POWER OF THE FOUNDER TO GUIDE ME IN MY DARKESt HOUR / BOOYAH!11 / / AND THEN I IMPALED HIM WITH THE DEMON HARPOON / LET US SACRIFICE A HAPPY DONKEY IN THE NAME OF THE DEMON http://www.goats.com/archive/031119.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 21 / 2003: megagamerz redux (3) | BEWARE IT IS THE LLAMA OF DELICIOUSNESS / HOW DID YOU DEFEAT THE REPETITIVENESS VULTURES / / I SHOWED THEM A PICTURE OF MARIA "SKELETOR" SHRIVER / FRESH LIKE A BOX OF KRISPY KREMES / / THEY BECAME CONVINCED THAT FRANK LAGELLA WAS GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA / LET'S DO SOMETHING THAT YOU WANT TO DO TONIGHT http://www.goats.com/archive/031121.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 24 / 2003: megagamerz redux (4) | I WILL RECREATE BELGIUM IN MY OWN IMAGE / HOW DID YOU DEFEAT THE REPETITIVENESS VULTURES / / I WILL PLACE A GIANT STATUE OF GEOFFREY CHAUCER IN THE MIDDLE / THERE IS A TIME TO BE SLUTTY TURN TURN TURN / / I WILL DO SO WITH UTTER DISREGARD FOR REFERENCE MATERIAL / I'M FAIRLY CERTAIN GEOFFREY CHAUCER NEVER PORKED A CIRCUS CLOWN http://www.goats.com/archive/031124.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 26 / 2003: megagamerz redux (5) | MY MOM IS DATING A PHLEBOTOMIST / I BET HE GETS OFF ON HER HEAD BUMPS / / THERE SHOULD BE A PHLEBOTOMY GAME / MUTANT DANDRUFF-SQUIRREL HYBRIDS CAMPING AONGST THE FOLLICLES / / OLD PEOPLE SUCK / WHY WONT THEY DIE ALREADY http://www.goats.com/archive/031126.html |
| Goats comic strip from November / 28 / 2003: megagamerz redux (6) | I HATE THANKSGIVING / LET'S SET IT ON FIRE AND BLAME MEXICANS / / IT'S THE MARISA TOMEI OF HOLIDAYS / HER BREASTS ARE LIKE BLUEBERRY PANCAKES / / MY UNCLE LIKES TO FELCH THE STUFFING OUT OF THE TURKEY / MY GOD IS BIGGER THAN YOUR GOD http://www.goats.com/archive/031128.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 01 / 2003: it's about time (1) | Do you feel it? The icy grip of time closing in around you? / Just becuase I turned thirty doesn't mean my life is over. / / Maybe, but it's unlikely you'll accomplish anything noteworthy in the time you have left, Jon. / You're no spring chicken yourself, you know. / / My legacy is secure. / Oh yes, I forgot. I'm sure that your Candyland victory of last Thursday will be immortalized in song and story passed on from generation to generation. http://www.goats.com/archive/031201.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 03 / 2003: it's about time (2) | Jon's right. I'm getting old. It is time. It is time for me... to procreate. To leave behind an heir to my estate of evil / / I will summon up a demon chick from the bowels of hell itself and create for it a body to inhabit, powered not by a heart, but a sort of wankel-rotary engine of malevolence. For its blood I will mix together the boullion cubes of chaos and just a touch of vermouth in a delicious chicken martini. / / And for this unholy child I will purchase an IKEA bedroom set. / "Chicken Martini" would make a great band name. http://www.goats.com/archive/031203.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 05 / 2003: it's about time (3) | Now, the first thing I've got to do is assemble a list of parts. / Parts? / / I figure if you're going to make a baby it needs to be made from high-quality parts. / Or you could find a lady chicken and do it the old-fashioned way. / / Hire an independent contractor? That'd be a tad impersonal, don't you think? / I try not to. http://www.goats.com/archive/031205.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 08 / 2003: it's about time (4) | Let's start with the easily obtained items and work our way from there. First up, a lock of John Lennon's hair for his anarchic spirit. / Nice. / / Then, one of George's rotting eyeballs, symbolic of, uh, his dark mystery. And finally, a couple of Ringo's toenails, because we want the kid to have a nice-sized schnozz. / / What about Paul? / Paul sucks. http://www.goats.com/archive/031208.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 10 / 2003: it's about time (5) | Way later / No. When I say organic fennel, I mean organic. / But we can save 29 cents on the generic store brand with this coupon. / / Fine, but we're not skimping on dessert. / The coupon wins! / / This is going to be the best pasta-powered evil android baby chicken ever. / Wait. We get dessert? http://www.goats.com/archive/031210.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 12 / 2003: it's about time (6) | Sweet / / So now what? / Well, we watch the little readouts, make sure the fluid pressure remains high, and we should see infant-sign in 12 to 14 days. / / I have a deck of "Uno" cards. / I'd love to, really. But "Uno" sends me into a murderous, bloodthirsty rage. You understand. http://www.goats.com/archive/031212.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 15 / 2003: it's about time (7) | You know, this puts me in a mood to reminisce about my own childhood. / I was born in Sweden during the dead of winter. / / However, having no memory of any events before 1997 makes that somewhat difficult. / That August saw some of the worst snow storms since Lasse Hallstrom was in preschool. / / But I'm sure my craving to procreate is unrelated to my secret, un-expressed desire to regain my lost youth. / Luckily, my mother was a snow rabbit, and immune to the cold. http://www.goats.com/archive/031215.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 17 / 2003: it's about time (8) | Look who it is! It's the three Magi! / Pedants. / Pedants! / / We heard you were expecting. / And we come bearing presents! / / Lawrence thought it would be fun to throw a baby shower. / I bought the child Hinglemann's unabridged meteorological reference and survey. Thrilling! http://www.goats.com/archive/031217.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 19 / 2003: it's about time (9) | This was really sweet of you guys. Especially after I destroyed your apartment and everything. / Which was my point. / / I'd like to think we're a little bigger than that. / It's not so bad meeting in my mom's basement. / / You said she was an overbearing tyrant with no love for any man. / But you know those pork dumplings she makes? Tiny tender pockets of joy. http://www.goats.com/archive/031219.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 22 / 2003: it's about time (10) | So they don't know who the mother is? That's tragic. / I hear there's a lot of that sort of thing these days. / / It's coming! C'mon! / The baby? / / No, Mr. Softee is on his way. And he's riding a unicorn. / I told you not to sass me, boy. / That's not sass. That's sarcasm. http://www.goats.com/archive/031222.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 24 / 2003: it's about time (11) | He's beautiful. / I will name him...Oliver. / / / He beat Jesus by a day. I'm so proud. / Jesus is a slacker. / I'm fairly certain we just jumped the shark. http://www.goats.com/archive/031224.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 26 / 2003: hellspawn (1) | Hello, Oliver. My name is Diablo. I'm your father. / Yeah? then why you so ugly? / / I'm not ugly. I'm distinguished. / Why don't you take your distinguished ass over to the nearest kitchen and cook me up some steak and eggs, bitch. / / I just don't get youth culture anymore. / And how come I don't got no "Hungry Hungry Hippos" yet? What is this, Cambodia? http://www.goats.com/archive/031226.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 29 / 2003: hellspawn (2) | And this is where we'll be staying. / Looks like an ikea catalog exploded in here. / / Oh, hey, Jon. This is my son, Oliver. / Oh my God. Did a cat crawl into your hair and die? / / C'mon. I'll show you my state quarters collection. / And I'll show you my CENSORED in CENSORED CENSOREDs CENSORED eCENSOREDt, you CENSORED CENSORED. http://www.goats.com/archive/031229.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 31 / 2003: hellspawn (3) | You had a child? / And all without having sex, Jon! It's man's oldest dream come true! / / I think it's irresponsible to have a child in this day and age. Yet another person who will have to witness the ongoing corruption of our country's most basic and valued freedoms as his job is shipped off to Bangalore while America slowly becomes a breeding ground for Wal-Mart clerks who think that "Frasier" is highbrow entertainment. / / The kid has an Enron lunchbox, Jon. / My lunchbox had Scooby-Doo on it. http://www.goats.com/archive/031231.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 02 / 2004: hellspawn (4) | Where did Oliver run off to, anyway? / I think he's sleeping. / / I suppose it's been an eventful day for him, being born and all. / Nah, he's just been drinking pretty heavily. You know, originally I was just going to adopt that blogger kid from Star Trek. / / Really? He's so cute. Like a puppy. / Totally. But his parents wouldn't accept a personal check. http://www.goats.com/archive/040102.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 05 / 2004: hellspawn (5) | Jon, Oliver is missing. / Missing? / / yo chicken guy,
/ I am off into the world to find fortune and glory.
/ you suck,
/ -Oliver / / Less than a week old? Really? / Shut your mouth and strap on your leather nose, maggot. http://www.goats.com/archive/040105.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 07 / 2004: hellspawn (6) | So where did Oliver go? / Dunno. I suppose we should try to find him. Right? / / Yeah, I guess. / I'll make some superpretzels. Something tells me we'll be needing them. / / Do you want to see the cuddle room, Oliver? / I've got Rupert Murdoch on hold and Bubbles in a gasoline-soaked trunk. Get your wallet out. / ook ook http://www.goats.com/archive/040107.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 09 / 2004: hellspawn (7) | And just where have you been all day? / Extorting money from Michael Jackson to fund the construction of an unstoppable homicidal robot. / / I don't remember giving you permission to do that. / I don't need your permission. You're just a jealous old man who sees the dim reflection of his failed youth in the shiny metal surface of my glorious reign of evil. / / I won't have you talking back to me. You are grounded young man. / You never let me do anything fun! I hate you! http://www.goats.com/archive/040109.html |
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