You're browsing the archives of Goats.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
| Goats comic strip from March / 17 / 2003: resurrection (and the twix saga, pt. 4) (19) | Maybe you did it wrong. Did you shake it up first? / It's not salad dressing, monkey-nuts. / Hold on... / / / I had a dream that I was the King of Marmalade. http://www.goats.com/archive/030317.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 19 / 2003: resurrection (and the twix saga, pt. 4) (20) | So you were the king of marmalade, eh? / Oh yes! It was grand. These were all sorts of jellies and jams. / / I married the princess of grape preserves and there was a baked goods parade and we made babies from a recipe that her grandmother gave her for her birthday but then people wanted to eat the babies and that wasn't too good. But then they didn't eat the babies so that was okay. / / I'd say you've suffered from oxygen deprivation, but with you, it's hard to be certain. / Baruch ata Adonay, Eloheinu Melech Ha?Olam Borei Pri Hagafen / Blessed art thou Lord, our God, King of the world, who created the fruit of the vine. http://www.goats.com/archive/030319.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 21 / 2003: the walnut years (1) | Jon ran away again. He left this note. Apparently he's quit drawing the strip. / Good. He draws my horns too small anyway. / / I'm going to take over! Change the focus. From now on, 'Goats' is exclusively about walnuts! / Walnuts. / / And, I'm going to replace the entire cast with bean burritos. / I'm gonna go see if Megan needs some "consoling." With my genitals. http://www.goats.com/archive/030321.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 24 / 2003: the walnut years (2) | The All New...
/ ~GOATS~
/ Phase II: The Walnut Years
/ by Phillip Karlsson / / Bean Burrito
/ / Overclocked Lemon / Crappy Lightning Bolt
/ Lightning Bolt
/ Shading!
/ Dots. / / I will destroy you, bean burrito. / C'mon guys, emote. You're not emoting! http://www.goats.com/archive/030324.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 26 / 2003: the walnut years (3) | I've run out of ideas for the strip... and I ate most of the new cast. Which is also (french) problematic. / Just introduce some new characters. / french / / Really? / Sure. Jon, like all good hacks, knew that constantly introducing new characters was a great way to mask his lack of writing talent. / / LATER... / Hi, Everybody! Meet Carlos, a Political Analyst with a squirrel fetish!! / Condoleeza Rice! / squirrel suit / fur lines http://www.goats.com/archive/030326.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 28 / 2003: the walnut years (4) | This is 'Doctor Mystery,' who is a zen master of litter-box scooping. / My new litter scooping technique is... unstoppable! / Cape lines / / And this is Eddie "Not That Eddie Money" (tm) Money, who, is a trapeze artist prone to violent fits! / I will certainly kick your ass! / Jon wanted uppercase. / / And don't forget to say Hi to ordinary guy Spanky Nelson! / Hi! I'm wholly unremarkable. http://www.goats.com/archive/030328.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 31 / 2003: the walnut years (5) | And this is the Invisible Pope, who only comes by when I'm tired of drawing stuff! / Hi. / / And now, new characters, prepare to slap-fight to... the death... in the battle royale... DARK MATTER CAGE MATCH! / Ahem. / Beer induced / / Ah hell. / If I can't have a simple alcoholic coma without you trying to seize power, well, then I don't think this relationship can work. http://www.goats.com/archive/030331.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 02 / 2003: shock and awe (1) | You know, I wish all these Texans would just go back home and stop screwing with the rest of the world. I'm convinced that if we just isolated Texas in a big burlap sack that the rest of us could go back to our respective beverages. / / Let them go back to screwing sheep at the edge of a cliff and whoopin' it up at Garth Brooks concerts with their kissin' cousins and boiling their livestock in vats of crude oil. / / He's like a weird drunken uncle, strapping on his old cowboy hat, flinging his untethered willie to and fro, callin' for a good ol' fashioned lynching, just like back home at the lone wolf state. / I voted for Walter Cronkite. http://www.goats.com/archive/030402.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 04 / 2003: shock and awe (2) | You know how when you stretch and yawn a lot, and you get really dizzy and pass out? / No. / / And then you wake up five hours later in the street and a hobo is kicking your head? / Still, no. / / Hobo is a funny word when you say it enough times. Hobo hobo hobo hobo hobo hobo hobo hobo hobo hobo hobo / Settle down, Corky. http://www.goats.com/archive/030404.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 07 / 2003: shock and awe (3) | You know, our hobo utilization rates are dangerously low. / Are we still talking about hobos? / FWIP FWIP FWIP / / I think we should start a hobo division of our company. / We don't have a company. / FWOM PBKRGHH / / It would be the first armored hobo division in corporate America. / Why don't we start out with a regular, non-armed hobo division and work our way up from there. / HWAWAWAWAWA http://www.goats.com/archive/030407.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 09 / 2003: shock and awe (4) | Wow. It says here that before knives were invented, mohels would use Nerf bats to perform circumcisions. / What the hell are you reading? / / Were you circumcised with a Nerf bat, Jon? / No, I was not. / / We could try it. I bet it wouldn't even hurt that much, since it's Nerf. / Can we stop talking about my genitals, please? http://www.goats.com/archive/030409.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 11 / 2003: shock and awe (5) | Hi, I'm Carvel spokeszombie Tom Carvel. I've come back from the dead to tell you about Carvel's line of delicious ice cream cakes. / / First, we have Fudgie the Whale, which is shapel like a whale.
/ Yes.
/ Then, we have our tie cake, which is good for Father's Day or any day you want to remind your father that he's a corporate wage slave. / / This cake is our 'Cookiepuss' cake, which is supposed to be shaped like an alien or something. I don't know, we must have been tipsy when we came up with this one, honestly.
/ But it's delicious, let me tell you. http://www.goats.com/archive/030411.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 14 / 2003: shock and awe (6) | GOATS Presents / What's wrong with this picture? / [ed: A dingbat is a typographical ornament. Jon is getting spiffy with the clip-art] / Find 5 things wrong with the picture to the right! / [ed: A dingbat is a typographical ornament. Jon is getting spiffy with the clip-art] / 1. A Virulent Ogorgznux has four tentacles, not three. 2. Seymour, the Nh'aark of Pain over on the right, got into an argument with his mother on the phone last night, and he's in a relatively bad mood today. 3. The razor monkey is not wearing a safety helment in violation of local safety regulations. 4. Seymour's mom can be such a bitch. Really. 5. It's not polite to point, even if you're a razor monkey. http://www.goats.com/archive/030414.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 16 / 2003: shock and awe (7) | NY1 Keith Shellac / ...And now, here's the latest gossip from our new entertainment reporter, former Iraqi Minister of Information Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf. / Thanks, Keith. / / NY1 Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf! / Ben & Jen / Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck were spotted at trendy sushi joint 'Nobu' this weekend, where Ben gave his fiancee a jewel-encrusted hyena. The hyena then destroyed them both with flames that leapt from its eyes. / / NY1 Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf! / Infidel! / Also spotted was Colin Farrell, star of imperialist propaganda film "Phone Booth", who will spend the afterlife roasting in the fiery stomach of a gazelle, which, in turn, will be roasting in the stomach of some other, larger animal. http://www.goats.com/archive/030416.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 18 / 2003: crab city (1) | Welcome to Crab City, population 3,000,000. Crab City is made for crabs, by crabs, from crabs.
/ We're damned proud of it. / / But that doesn't mean Crab City doesn't have its dark side.
/ Lust.
/ Greed.
/ Poisonous pits of boiling tar.
/ MURDER. / / Me? My name is Samuel. Samuel Greeley.
/ I'm an accountant. http://www.goats.com/archive/030418.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 21 / 2003: crab city (2) | I've worked here at H&R Pufnstuff going on three years now. I don't make much, partially because there's no money in Crab City -- only crabs -- but the coffee is damned fine, and the job is easy. / / H&R Pufnstuff CPAs / I worked nights because of an intensely disturbing but survivable tragedy in my past which I'd rather not talk about, if you don't mind. / / But all that changed the night Rococo Wattles skittered into my office. http://www.goats.com/archive/030421.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 23 / 2003: crab city (3) | I recognized Miss Wattles immediately. Daughter of tennis ball magnate Francis Wattles, the society pages had long declared her Crab City's most eligible Bachelorette. / / What was a dame like this doing in my low-rent neighborhood? Surely the Wattles family had the best accountants that their non-existent money could buy.
/ Something was very wrong here. / / I decided to play it cool. / I love your balls, Miss Wattles. I play with them all the time. http://www.goats.com/archive/030423.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 25 / 2003: crab city (4) | They won't be my balls for long, Mr. Greeley. Not unless you can help me. Wattles Tennis Balls Inc. is the target of a corporate takeover. / / They're going to dismantle the company. / Your father would never let that happen. / / "My father is dead, Mr. Greeley. He was crushed to death last week in an accident on the factory floor."
/ "Crushed to death by his own balls." http://www.goats.com/archive/030425.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 28 / 2003: crab city (5) | I've got to protect my father's company, Mr Greeley. Will you help me? / But why me? You've got your own accountants. / / None that I can trust. They think we should sell. / Something stinks here, Baby, and it ain't me.
/ I know 'cause I've showered. / / But sometimes you can't get to the truth with just a bar of soap. Sometimes, if you want to get the bare facts, you've got to scrub really really hard, with a washcloth.
/ I'm you're man, Miss Wattles. I'm your washcloth of justice. http://www.goats.com/archive/030428.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 30 / 2003: crab city (6) | Rococo left me with a stack of corporate tax forms and a lingering kiss on the cheek. / Something about this case was giving me the creeps. I felt strange, like when you're enjoying a very delicious turkey and ham sandwich which then turns out not to be a sandwich at all, but a severed head. / Or tuna fish. / It was time to call in the big boys. I went to see Knowledgeable Pete, a hermit crab I knew who lived on the outskirts of Crab City. / If anyone could figure out the crazy, mixed-up hullabaloo this dame had gotten herself into, it was good ol'Pete. http://www.goats.com/archive/030430.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 02 / 2003: crab city (7) | I found Pete on his porch, musing over some paperwork. / Sam! Long time. What brings you out this way? / Actuarial tables, eh?
/ / / What can I say, Sam. Retirement never did agree with me, and a crab's gotta do something for fun in his declining years.
/ So what can I do for you? / / I'm on a case, Knowledgeable Pete. The kind of case that takes your very soul and puts it in a tiny box and then puts a hamster on top of that box.
/ And that hamster never moves, Pete. The hamster never moves again. http://www.goats.com/archive/030502.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 19 / 2003: crab city (8) | Ah, here we are. The gentlemen who are out to take over your client's company are partners in the Heartless Bastard Holding Company. / And? / / If memory serves, that's the same firm that employs Miss Wattles' accountants. / Impossible. That would violate the stringent accountant's code of morality and ethics. / / Wake up, Sam! That code's written on an Etch-a-Sketch. The real question is, what would accountants want with a tennis ball factory? / For the dames, Pete. Dames love factories. http://www.goats.com/archive/030519.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 21 / 2003: crab city (9) | I suspect it's not the company they're after, Sam. It's the company's assets. / This says they own a tennis ball factory, a foozball table and two hotels on Baltic Avenue. / / It's not about what's on record. It's about what's off it. If you look closely here, where it says "Criminal Activities"... / Blam! / / Pete!!! / *Gasp*
/ That...
/ *Cough*
/ That was so rude. http://www.goats.com/archive/030521.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 23 / 2003: crab city (10) | Sam...*gasp* Sam, come closer. / Yes, Knowledgeable Pete? / Look at...*cough* look at their K-14 Forms...There you will find the truth. And... / / And *gasp* don't make the same mistake I made. / Marrying an omelette? / No, Sam. Don't spend your life alone. / Sure. Anything else? / / Avenge me, son. Avenge my death. / Fine. Listen, I really should run. / And take good care of your teeth. http://www.goats.com/archive/030523.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 26 / 2003: crab city (11) | I beat a path out of there, hotwired Pete's Hover-Dachshund, and zoomed after the mystery assassin.
/ Unfortunately, he had vanished without a trace. / / Defeated, I went back to my office to pour over the K-14 forms. And then, suddenly, there it was - a missing inventory listing for a department of Wattles Tennis Balls Inc., located deep in the bowels of the factory itself. / / It was time I paid a visit to that factory. If there was one thing I was good at, it was poking around in bowels. http://www.goats.com/archive/030526.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 28 / 2003: crab city (12) | The security guards were helpful enough to guide me to my final destination:
/ / The Dolphin Room, Sub-Level 29. / / It was fitting that they would use the name of a mythical animal to mask their mythical assets. / / Or so I thought. http://www.goats.com/archive/030528.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 30 / 2003: crab city (13) | Mothers tell stories of dolphins when they tuck their children in at night.
/ The fabled animals are said to have frolicked in the same oceans we ourselves crawled out of thousands of years ago.
/ But even the crackpot scientists who claimed the superintelligent beasts actually existed conceded that they must have been extinct for at least 50 millenia.
/ So you can imagine my surprise when I found myself face to face with one. http://www.goats.com/archive/030530.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 02 / 2003: crab city (14) | You're probably wondering right about now, "Are these the same accountants Rocco Wattles told me about? Is that really a dolphin?" / / "Did Francis Wattles capture one on safari in the darkest jungles of Manhattan many years ago and use hoverdog technology to hook it up to his factory, harnessing its legendary brainpower to run his tennis ball manufacturing equipment?" / / "Am I too late to save the company and the dolphin from their nefarious plot, the details of which are extremely complicated and not worth getting into?"
/ I'm afraid the answer to all those questions is yes, Mr. Greeley.
/ Very yes. http://www.goats.com/archive/030602.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 04 / 2003: crab city (15) | It's never too late for goodness, you turncoat accountant! / It is when I have a signed and approved schedul 39-B! / / This little piece of paper grants Heartless Bastard Holding Company complete ownership of this tennis ball factory and all the assets contained within, including this suspiciously small and incongruously immortal dolphin. / / So I assume you also have your form HTO-30, which needs to be filed one month in advance of any hostile takeover? / Hot cross buns! I knew I was forgetting something. http://www.goats.com/archive/030604.html |
| Goats comic strip from June / 06 / 2003: crab city (16) | Later... / Well, mister dolphin, you're safe now -- those accountants won't be bothering you anymore, now that their plans have been foiled. But there's still so much I wish I knew. / / Where did you come from? How did you survive all these thousands of years? What did those accountants want with you? I suppose I must take solace in the fact that you'll be cared for and studied by Crab City's best scientists. Farewell, dolphin, farewell. / / NOT THE ARK / DO NOT OPEN
/ NOT A DOLPHIN / NOT JIMMY HOFFA / Years Later... http://www.goats.com/archive/030606.html |
Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60
61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 >>