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| Goats comic strip from February / 15 / 2002: ...then comes marriage (12) | If anyone here knows of any reason why this man and this woman should not be joined together in marriage, let them speak now, or else forever hold their peace. / / / By the power vested in me, I declare you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. / Hold on a second. My lips are dry. http://www.goats.com/archive/020215.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 18 / 2002: ...then comes marriage (13) | Rich. Hi, Rich. / Howdy Rich. / She's not my responsibility. / / It's time to repay us for saving your collective butt during WWII. / Or we'll kick you repeatedly. / Castration won't compare to what Holly will do. / / All right. If you help us get rid of her, we'll give you a change of clothes. / Oh, bless you both. Let's get down to business. http://www.goats.com/archive/020218.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 19 / 2002: ...then comes marriage (14) | Okay, I've got it... first, we drop a cow on her. / It's been done. / Slipping her a few drinks is sounding so much wiser now. / / I'm not sure how getting the cow drunk is going to help any. / Perhaps he plans to set the alcohol-soaked cow on fire. / Fifteen snakebite and black. / / Same for me, thanks. / He's fundamentally imbalanced, you know. / Did someone mention flaming cows? http://www.goats.com/archive/020219.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 20 / 2002: ...then comes marriage (15) | You're right, Holly. Megan is nothing compared to you. / I thought you'd come around eventually, mister. / / To celebrate my new-found clarity, I thought we might enjoy several pints of Snakebite and Black. / Open bars certainly bring out the big spender in you. / / I think this is the world's fist documented case of a man trying to get a woman drunk so as to not have to sleep with her. / It's the end of an era. http://www.goats.com/archive/020220.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 21 / 2002: ...then comes marriage (16) | C'mon, Jonathan, up with you. I came all this way on a cross-atlantic flight, nary a honey-roasted peanut in sight, and now i expect to be serviced. / Blerg. / / You're useless, Jonny. A complete waste. Not that this trip need be a complete waste... / Urg. / / Come along, little boy, and we'll see what we can do about those fiery trousers i promised you earlier. / Fornicate! http://www.goats.com/archive/020221.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 22 / 2002: ...then comes marriage (17) | I've got a great idea! Let's go spend our honeymoon in Tackleford, with Rich and all his friends. / We're going to Antigua. / / England is an island, too. / Well, I'll be quite lonely without you. I can only hope the cabana boys will keep me company. / / They have cabanas in Antigua? You know how I love cabanas. / Well, I suppose you can come with me. http://www.goats.com/archive/020222.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 25 / 2002: adventures in babysitting (1) | Diablo! What the hell are you doing here? / Phillip and Lauren asked me to housesit while they're on their honeymoon. / / I'm fully capable of looking after the apartment myself. / Apparently, someone has difficulty changing the sheets when he wets the bed. / / Toothgnips Den of Debauchery / That hasn't happened since i was a kid. / Oh, look at this. An Ernie and Bert nightlight! How precious. http://www.goats.com/archive/020225.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 27 / 2002: adventures in babysitting (2) | So where are all the hot mamas? I'm ready to get down. / I'm staying in. It's a good T.V. night. / / Your reputation is entirely undeserved. / I don't see you out sipping mojitos with anton levay every saturday. / / You have a point. So what's on the tube? / Jolene learns the true meaning of Kwanzaa on a very special "Hospital Cops" http://www.goats.com/archive/020227.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 01 / 2002: adventures in babysitting (3) | "Hospital Cops" just isn't the same since Levar Burton left. / Some of the new nurses are hot. / / But the show isn't about nurses. It's about cops. Cops who are dedicated to protecting helpless patients from terrorism, high insurance rates, randy doctors and vivid hallucinations. Levar knew that. / / I'm sorry... I just... I just miss him so much. / The nurses wear special two-piece nursing bikinis now. http://www.goats.com/archive/020301.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 04 / 2002: adventures in babysitting (4) | From the creator of "Suburban Malaise" comes the new drama "Just Us Queers", centering around a group of gay urbanites coming to terms with themselves and the city they live in. HBO, 10pm. / Too cerebral. / / Wackiness is the order of the day on tonite's episode of "DiversiTea", when an angry black youth, a gay architect and a spicy quadriplegic latina find themselves running their deceased aunt's tea shop. NBC, 8pm. / Still too cerebral. / / Supermodels are strapped into an iron chair, force-fed hot dogs and married to the highest bidder while surrounded by fire on the all-new "Dating Game 3000: Celebrity Glutton Edition." Fox, 9pm. / It's like they read my mind. http://www.goats.com/archive/020304.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 06 / 2002: adventures in babysitting (5) | Jolene and Bobbi-Ann on the phone for you, studlykins. / Tell them I'm not home. / / Toothgnip is in the Czech Republic, smuggling much-needed dinner rolls to the rebels in a desperate attempt to win the love of Ronald Reagan. Can I take a message? / / Strange. They don't seem to believe me. / I wonder why. http://www.goats.com/archive/020306.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 08 / 2002: adventures in babysitting (6) | Good. Those Floozies won't be bothering us again. / What's wrong with you, man? You're acting so strangely. You get bit by a radioactive water buffalo or somethin'? / / No... it's... Diablo, I'm in love. / I'm flattered, but I don't bat for that team. / / Not you. The only thing I love about you is the way you complete a ceasar salad. / Are you sure? I'm really quite attractive. http://www.goats.com/archive/020308.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 11 / 2002: adventures in babysitting (7) | Frosted / I don't know how it happened, Diablo, but I've fallen for Suzie. / Suzie? Really? / / Frosted / Things were going great until I invited her to the wedding. And then, she just disappeared. She won't even answer my calls. / That doesn't sound like Suzie. / / Frosted / You have no idea who I'm talking about, do you? / No, but I care enough to feign interest. http://www.goats.com/archive/020311.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 13 / 2002: adventures in babysitting (8) | I can't even begin to imagine what went wrong with Suzie. / Why do they bury the prizes at the bottom of the box? / / Even if I could get in touch with her, what would I say? / Whoa. / / What cereal are you eating? / I can't believe I missed that. http://www.goats.com/archive/020313.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 15 / 2002: adventures in babysitting (9) | I said no, freak. I'm not going to pretend that thing is Suzie. / Just hear me out first. / / You can practice talking to her. You can't hurt her feelings, she won't interrupt you, and she won't mind if you go straight to sleep afterwards. / / It seems balloons have considerable advantages over women. / And she makes a great pool float. http://www.goats.com/archive/020315.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 18 / 2002: adventures in babysitting (10) | I can't believe I'm actually going to do this. / / Suzie, I need to talk to you. I... I think I'm in love with you. / Oh, Toothgnip, take me now. / / Diablo! / Don't stop now. You're wasting film. http://www.goats.com/archive/020318.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 20 / 2002: adventures in babysitting (11) | Suzie, you need to know how I feel. You need to know how you've gotten into my head... how you've changed the way I see the world. / / PFFF FFF FF / I love you, Suzie. I know it may be difficult for you to love me back, what with me being a crossdressing freak and all, but if you'll just... um. / / PFFT. / Well, that's not terribly inspiring. / It takes a particularly cruel individual to drive a balloon to suicide. I hope you're happy. http://www.goats.com/archive/020320.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 22 / 2002: adventures in babysitting (12) | That's it! I've had it. I'm going over to Suzie's and demand that she talk to me. / That's the spirit. / / No more delays! No more of this wishy-washiness. It's time to be a man! / A manly man! / / Maybe I'll stop off and get a pedicure on my way over. / A manly pedicure! http://www.goats.com/archive/020322.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 24 / 2002: adventures in babysitting (13) | Suzie? You home? / / / / My dearest Toothgnip, / I hope this letter finds you in good health. It pains me to have to do this, but I have left, likely for good. / I have met someone, and while he does not bring me the joy that our time together has brought me, he is committed to me and to our relationship. I can no longer bear the heartache of seeing you with all the others. Please take care of yourself, my love. / - Suzie http://www.goats.com/archive/020324.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 25 / 2002: the goat, he is not well (1) | Antigua was great! I don't even know why we're going back! / We could have stayed longer, but they seemed pretty adamant that we leave. / / If the Princess is going to wear fruit, she had better expect that somone is going to eat it. / You'll get no argument from me. / / That last bit didn't taste quite like fruit, though. / That would certainly explain the threats of beheading. http://www.goats.com/archive/020325.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 27 / 2002: the goat, he is not well (2) | Phillips suitcase with shoulder strap / Laurens wheelie-suitcase / Well, as much fun as that was, it's nice to be home. / And there's Diablo! / / Phillips suitcase with shoulder strap / Laurens wheelie-suitcase / Toasting marshmallows. / Ohmigod. / / Phillips suitcase with shoulder strap / Laurens wheelie-suitcase / Right there in the hallway. / That's clever. http://www.goats.com/archive/020327.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 29 / 2002: the goat, he is not well (3) | recently extinguished by Laurens fire extinguisher / Diablo, what the hell happened?! / Toothgnip came home in a bit of a snit. He's setting fire to things, generally trashing the place. / / Why? / I'm not sure, but I haven't heard anything in a while now. I think he may have passed out. / / YOU WANT... I'LL GIVE Y... NUKE THE #@!?!$... WHALES! AND WH... OPRAH TOO, WHI... YO... WEASE... NUT... GA... R... / Well, at least he's calmed down. http://www.goats.com/archive/020329.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 01 / 2002: the goat, he is not well (4) | Toothgnip? / Aw, hell. My life-size Charlotte Rae cardboard stand-up. Burnt to a crisp. / Mrs. Garrett, we hardly knew ye. / / Toothie, we're home. Are you okay? / And my hand-painted commemorative "Billy Idol" idol. Smashed to little bits. / Eyes without a face, indeed. / / Come on out, Toothgnip. Some of Phillip's stuff still needs destroying. / At least he left my Loni Andersen swimsuit poster alone. / No, look closely. The nipples are singed. http://www.goats.com/archive/020401.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 03 / 2002: the goat, he is not well (5) | Toothgnip? Are you hiding in the hamper? / / Squirrels put the cod in Pico de Gallo. They are not to be trusted. / / You find him? / Either that, or the dirty laundry has achieved sentience. / Damn! It beat me to it. http://www.goats.com/archive/020403.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 05 / 2002: the goat, he is not well (6) | I bet I can lure him out. Do you have any food? / I have a bag of Cheetos in the kitchen. The crunchy kind. / / My gut instinct tells me this situation calls for the puffy kind. Crunchy just won't cut it. / But we're all out of puffy!!! / / I'm going to go get someone competent. / Can you bring back some puffy Cheetos? / And five pounds of plastic explosive? http://www.goats.com/archive/020405.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 08 / 2002: the goat, he is not well (7) | This is Arthur. He's a psychologist who lives down the hall. / Hi. / Are you the best Arthur? Toothgnip needs the best. / / I'd like to think I help my patients. / Everyone knows the best psychologists were Germans under Hitler's command. Like Freud. / / Actually, Freud was driven out of Austria by the Nazis shortly before he died. / That's just the sort of thing a master psycho-guy would want you to think. Let's see you goosestep. http://www.goats.com/archive/020408.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 10 / 2002: the goat, he is not well (8) | If you're going to help Toothgnip, you'll have to prove you are a Nazi. / But I'm not a Nazi. / / Ah, you're a crafty one. But your Jedi mind tricks won't work on me. / I think you should come with me to Bellevue, Phillip. / / Bellevue? Is that the Jedi-Nazi homeworld? / Sure. Let me just, uh, call Scotty to beam us over. http://www.goats.com/archive/020410.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 12 / 2002: the goat, he is not well (9) | Now stare at the shiny thing until you feel calm and unaware of your surroundings. / Shiny things are like beer. / / Ow! / Blam! / / He's still standing, Chester. / That freaking hurt. / Dammit. Frankie's been filling the darts with Ny-Quil again. http://www.goats.com/archive/020412.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 15 / 2002: mission: improbable (1) | Phillip, we're going to start by asking you a few questions. Okay? / I feel strange. Where am I? / / Somewhere safe. If you cooperate, we'll let you go home. / What the hell happened? I thought you were supposed to be helping Toothgnip. / / Goats, as a rule, don't have much in the way of health insurance. / Good thing I didn't pick up that extra dental rider. http://www.goats.com/archive/020415.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 17 / 2002: mission: improbable (2) | Phillip, why don't you start by telling us about some things you like? / I like things that move about quickly. That's my favorite. / / I'm not sure I understand. / And flowers. Flowers are nice. / / Can we go back and discuss the bit about things that move quickly? / Nope. I'm already up to cookies. And bears that don't maul me. http://www.goats.com/archive/020417.html |
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