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| Goats comic strip from December / 17 / 2001: first comes love... (and the twix saga, pt. 3) (21) | Neck-deep in a very stinky situation, I tried to reason my way out of our predicament. Alluding to our earlier conversation, I explained to Menstrua that since she had foreknowledge of our future encounters, she couldn't possibly kill me. / / Luckily, she agreed. "Yes, Diablo. I'm well aware. We will indeed meet again. But what you may not be aware of is how much you've helped me. Thanks to your ineptitude, you've inadvertently freed me from the cotton-clad grip of the Ko-Tex." / / "We will meet many, many times," she said. "At least three more times, or until the readers start complaining. We may, or may not, play Scrabble during one of those occasions. And if we do, Diablo, I intend to win!" And with that, she disappeared. http://www.goats.com/archive/011217.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 19 / 2001: first comes love... (and the twix saga, pt. 3) (22) | It was a long time before Twix fully regained his morally flexible aptitude. But that's a tale for another time. / There is a god. / / Do you see, Phillip? The Ko-Tex are out there, Phillip, using alluring women like your girlfriend to drain the lifeforces of good, upstanding bachelors like yourself in exchange for godlike powers over time and space. So go! Go, and confront that thing in your apartment that claims to be human. Drive her out into the void! / / Au bon PAIN!!! / Do you think he took me seriously? / I'm not even sure if he's sentient. http://www.goats.com/archive/011219.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 21 / 2001: first comes love... (and the twix saga, pt. 3) (23) | You're not possessed by pantyliners from another dimension, are you? / Not last I checked. / / And I don't have to dress like LaVerne DeFazio. / Not unless you really want to. / / Excellent. The wedding will occur as scheduled. / Get your butt to bed, drunken fool. http://www.goats.com/archive/011221.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 23 / 2001: readers ask stuff | the goats players present: "READERS ASK STUFF" a half-assed production
/ / / What is Jon and Phil(lip)'s actual profession?
/ -Julia Kleynbok / I make sure that baked goods stay baked. / And I like pancakes. It doesn't pay much, but I sleep well at night. / / What was the significance of the bean on Diablo's wing?
/ -Michael McGee / My mother gave it to me on my first birthday, just before she ran off with Russell Crowe. / / How, exactly, does Megan perform the "Leaping Piranha"?
/ -Leslie Klasterka / Flawlessly. / Shut up. / / Has Toothgnip ever been in love?
/ -Shreyas Cholia / Only with you, Shreyas. Only with you. / I told him to stop writing. / / Now that jon's life is no longer a pit of misery and despair, what is he doing with all his free time?
/ -John Fiala / Chinchilla farming is both challenging and emotionally rewarding. / / What does Phillip look like naked?
/ love,
/ -ken roberts / Please, don't encourage him. / I don't mind. Really. http://www.goats.com/archive/011223.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 24 / 2001: the princess of k-mart (1) | We're going to K-mart. Wanna come? / There's a K-mart in Manhattan? / / Two, actually. All the cool kids go to the one on Astor. / A K-mart in the city! You know what this means? / / That America is homogenizing into one big redneck Midwestern mall? / It means I can buy toilet paper in bulk again. I'm so jazzed. http://www.goats.com/archive/011224.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 26 / 2001: the princess of k-mart (2) | I'm going to assign each of you part of the shopping list for maximum K-mart efficiency. / Divide and conquer. Excellent. / / jon, you're in charge of household cleansers and paper goods. Toothgnip will procure fuzzy slippers and Martha Stewart bedsheets. I'll get the industrial adhesives and twine. / What about Phillip? / / I sent Phillip ahead on a fact-finding mission. / I just learned that babies don't like to eat shaving cream. http://www.goats.com/archive/011226.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 28 / 2001: the princess of k-mart (3) | I'd never figure you for the type who'd buy into all this crass commercialism. / There's no better kind. / / You're buying Kathy Ireland-brand stretch pants. Why does a chicken need stretch pants? / They're on sale. / / And that justifies your purchase. / Kathy's dedication to quality is all the justification I need. http://www.goats.com/archive/011228.html |
| Goats comic strip from December / 31 / 2001: the princess of k-mart (4) | You should treat me with more respect. / I can't imagine why. / / Because I might not want to be your pet anymore. / Perdon me whilst I asphyxiate from an endless bout of laughter. / / And people who have pets have been shown to live longer, happier lives. / That's because they always have an emergency food supply. http://www.goats.com/archive/011231.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 02 / 2002: the princess of k-mart (5) | The K-Mart cafe is selling hotdog-like food products for only 50 cents. / Remind me again why we let Diablo drag us here? / / At least he's trying to help. You shouldn't be so hard on him all the time. / Maybe you're right. His intentions are good. / / That terrorist with the tie on is smuggling a pound of plastic explosive in his lower intestine. / Time to go spelunking, Carl. http://www.goats.com/archive/020102.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 04 / 2002: the princess of k-mart (6) | We're going to have to search you, sir. / Search me? Why? / It's for America. Bend over, sir. / / Wow, that looks painful. / Sometimes patriotism means making sacrifices, Phillip. / / And sometimes patriotism means you take it up the ass, apparently. / Our right to shop for housewares in a safe environment outweighs his right to anal sovereignty. This is America, dammit. http://www.goats.com/archive/020104.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 07 / 2002: the princess of k-mart (7) | I can't make heads or tails of this list. Why the hell do we need so much twine and Elmer's Glue, anyway? / / And how did we end up in the women's clothing section? We were headed for paper goods and incontinence supplies. / / Toothgnip? Toothg... Oh holy crap. http://www.goats.com/archive/020107.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 09 / 2002: the princess of k-mart (8) | Toothgnip... um... What is all this? / I don't know. I was inexorably drawn toward these women's garments and cooking supplies. / / But why? / I... I think I may be a lady, Phillip. / / Well, this explains why my ice cream goes missing at the same time every month. / So I'm going to need more closet space. http://www.goats.com/archive/020109.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 11 / 2002: the princess of k-mart (9) | Let's review the facts. I wear panties. I like silk robes and cookware. I like decorative Hummel figurines. / / So that means you're a woman? / I know. I'm as suprised as you are. / I know. I'm as surprised as you are. / / But you're so smooth with the ladies. / Apparently I'm a raging lesbian. http://www.goats.com/archive/020111.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 14 / 2002: the princess of k-mart (10) | So, that's it. I'm a woman. / Ooh! I'm a woman too! / / Quiet, Chicken. / Why? Why are you the only one around here allowed to have a sexual identity crisis? / / I said shut it, bitch. / I didn't ask for womanhood. Womanhood was thrust upon me. http://www.goats.com/archive/020114.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 16 / 2002: the princess of k-mart (11) | If I'm going to do this woman thing, I've got to learn how to do it properly. / Most women just let Oprah tell them what to think. / / An excellent start. What about food? / Women can eat all they want as long as they complain about it afterwards. / / Fantastic. Now all I need is 30 pairs of painful shoes and some breasts. / And lots of opinions. http://www.goats.com/archive/020116.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 18 / 2002: the princess of k-mart (12) | Remember to cross your legs when sitting. / And to point out phallic-shaped consumer items as evidence of a secret male conspiracy. / / And you have to wear those absorbent things in your underpants once a month... um... / Llamas. / / You may want independent confirmation on that. / That's it. I'm going to get some real help. / Sadly, Freud is dead this week. http://www.goats.com/archive/020118.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 21 / 2002: the princess of k-mart (13) | Suzie, you gotta help me. I found out I'm actually a woman, and I don't know what to do. / You're not a woman. / / I'm not? / No. You have a penis. / / Oh yeah. / Call me sometime, Toothie. http://www.goats.com/archive/020121.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 23 / 2002: the princess of k-mart (14) | Suzie, if I'm not a woman, then why do I have this uncontrollable desire to dress in women's clothing? / / Well, you spend a lot of time around women. You appreciate our fashion taste. And you know how wonderful the feel of silk on skin can be. It's really not a surprise. / / Got it. Can I go roll around in your clothes hamper? / Sure. Knock yourself out, kid. http://www.goats.com/archive/020123.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 25 / 2002: the princess of k-mart (15) | So it turns out I'm not a woman after all. / Really? / / Nope. I'm just a perverted, crossdressing deviant. / Wow. / / Yeah. You can imagine my relief. / Lauren's too. The size of the bridal party was getting way out of hand. http://www.goats.com/archive/020125.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 27 / 2002: ...then comes marriage (1) | So are you ready? / Well, the band is booked, catering is done, and I've scouted the chapel for places to hide bottles of scotch. So, yeah. / / That's not what I meant. / You mean, am I emotionally ready to commit myself to one woman for the rest of my life? / / Yeah. / You forget, I have no emotions. / / You know that isn't true. / I exhibit carefully orchestrated visceral reactions to external stimuli designed to fool the casual onlooker. / / I'm sure Lauren would be thrilled to hear that. / Oh, I've told her all of this already. / / And she's fine with it? / She appeared upset, but I'm pretty sure it was just a carefully orchestrated visceral reaction. http://www.goats.com/archive/020127.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 28 / 2002: ...then comes marriage (2) | Shouldn't you be off getting ready for the wedding? / Nah. I still have three units of time. / / Units? / With each unit being defined as one-third of the total amount of time. / / So punctuality isn't much of an issue if your units are arbitrary, huh? / Exactly. And that means I still have time for three more units of beer. http://www.goats.com/archive/020128.html |
| Goats comic strip from January / 30 / 2002: ...then comes marriage (3) | Unless something is on fire, I don't want to hear about it. / How many dates can I bring to the wedding? / / None, Toothgnip. It's a small wedding. / Because if I'm limited to one, then Sandra, Bobbi-Ann and Lynette are gonna have a three-way conniption. / / Only people in long-term relationships were invited with dates. / I suppose I could just take Suzie, but I reserve the right to supplemental bridesmaids. http://www.goats.com/archive/020130.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 01 / 2002: ...then comes marriage (4) | So what's this groomsman thing all about? / We stand near the humans while they perform their pair-bonding ceremony. / / Bonding? / I'm not too clear on it either. I think we supply the epoxy. / / I have three gallons of quick-dry resin. / Excellent. The bride has no chance of escape. http://www.goats.com/archive/020201.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 04 / 2002: ...then comes marriage (5) | Want some pre-wedding ice cream? I found that big can of sprinkles you bought home. / Those aren't sprinkles. / / They're not? / Nope. It's kitty litter. / / Oh holy crap, Diablo. Why in Ricardo Montalban's name do you have a giant can of kitty litter? / It tastes good on ice cream. http://www.goats.com/archive/020204.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 06 / 2002: ...then comes marriage (6) | Diablo, can you let Jon know that I've gone to get my hair done for the wedding? I'll meet up with you guys at the cathedral. / / I'm not going to the cathedral. / You're worried that you might be struck down by God for your Satan-Worshipping shtick? / / Nuh-uh. Sitting in those hard, wooden pews makes my butt fall asleep. / Well, the lord works in mysterious ways. http://www.goats.com/archive/020206.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 08 / 2002: ...then comes marriage (7) | Where's Megan? We have to get to the wedding. / She was kidnapped by manic-depressive wolverines. / / Knock Knock / Did you lock her out of the apartment again? / No. The wolverines must have forgotten something. / / Gah! / Quick, throw these steaks out the door! Only raw meat will appease them. http://www.goats.com/archive/020208.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 11 / 2002: ...then comes marriage (8) | Holly? Holly, don't get me wrong, it's terribly nice to see you, and please don't mind the livestock, but what the hell are you doing here? / / I'm here for the wedding, silly. And for you, of course. Be sure to bring your dancing shoes and your libido. See you there, Jonny. / / That was cruel, but I can't deny that you've got it down to an art. / I used to practice on the sherpas. / Gah. http://www.goats.com/archive/020211.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 12 / 2002: ...then comes marriage (9) | Phillip, explain to me why Holly West just appeared at my door on her way to your wedding? / Your imaginary ex-girlfriend? / / Phillp, you've met her! What were you thinking, inviting her? / You know better than to expect an actual thought process to take place. / / You don't think this might cause just a bit of a problem with my current girlfriend? / Sheesh. Next thing, you'll be yelling at me for inviting Lori. http://www.goats.com/archive/020212.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 13 / 2002: ...then comes marriage (10) | This is terrible. There's no way I can resist Holly's advances. She's a force of nature. / Like thunder. or earthquakes. or a really high pollen count. / / Megan and Holly are both going to be at the wedding. I'm screwed. / You go off to the ceremony. Leave Megan to me... I'll find a way to detain her. / / Later... / I'm off to meet Jon at the wedding / Have fun. http://www.goats.com/archive/020213.html |
| Goats comic strip from February / 14 / 2002: ...then comes marriage (11) | Phillip, it's worse than I could possibly have imagined. Holly's gone bad! / Nonsense. She's a lovely girl. / / Fetch me a vodka and tonic, boy, or I'll set your trousers on fire. / Eep. / / Still, there's something intriguing about her in a sexy, train-wreck sort of fashion. / Too bad Megan is coming. / It's a shame, really. http://www.goats.com/archive/020214.html |
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