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| Goats comic strip from March / 15 / 2006: the programmer (7) | Look, I'm sorry you guys are all going to croak or whatever, but I'll do my dying on my own schedule, thanks. / Come hither, idiot man-child, and I will fill the empty space in your head. / / My name is WHEATINA BLOOMERS. I have seen almost two hundred harvests since I became Farmer here and assumed responsibility... http://www.goats.com/archive/060315.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 16 / 2006: the programmer (8) | Anyways, I'm getting away from what I meant to be learnin' you. Page 789, third verse, right between the Uplifting of the Gorgranaax and President Cheney's re-election. / / "...And a woman of Purity and Knack will pluck from the Void THE PROGRAMMER, whom you will know by his gray skin and love of beverages." / / "And... http://www.goats.com/archive/060316.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 20 / 2006: the programmer (9) | I don't care WHAT your simulations show. This is the REAL WORLD, and I have FREE WILL. I won't be bringing about any New Ages or breaching anything's skin. / / Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to wander out into your crops and see if I can't find myself something that will ferment. / FREE WILL is an ILLUSION. / / The... http://www.goats.com/archive/060320.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 21 / 2006: the programmer (10) | Come with me. All o' this will make more sense if I can DEMONSTRATE. / Sure, why not? I'll just follow you around. It's not like I have FREE WILL or anything. / / You know what? I'm being a DANNY DOWNER. A lack of free will doesn't have to be a bad thing. This opens up all sorts of possibilities for me. / / For... http://www.goats.com/archive/060321.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 22 / 2006: the programmer (11) | This ain't the lovin' sort of cow, anyway. This here's one of our COWPUTERS. / / She's a biologically-driven quantum DNA computer, she is. This is the result of twenty thousand years of selective breeding by our finest cowputer scientists. / / Clara here can run simulations of the entire universe and still... http://www.goats.com/archive/060322.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 23 / 2006: the programmer (12) | Ah, Yakmeat! Yakmeat, this is the Programmer. / So it's true? You're really him? / / That's what they tell me. / This is wonderful. You're going to help save millions of lives. Excuse me just one moment. / / Cornhusk! Put away the trail mix! Quickly! / Yakmeat here... http://www.goats.com/archive/060323.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 27 / 2006: the programmer (13) | So. You're a computer, huh? How's that working out for you? Not very talkative, I see. / / Talking to animals, huh? The old lady's daughter musta puddin'-fied your brains when she brought you over. / You know her? / / Hell yeah. Not in the Biblical sense, of course, no one's tasted that... http://www.goats.com/archive/060327.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 28 / 2006: the programmer (14) | So you guys aren't from here either? / Nah, we were taken just like you. I'm from Brooklyn 19, Husk here is from one of the Monsanto Worlds. / / We're listed in the Great Almanac as your prophets and lab assistants. / Although I don't think they got the right guy when they grabbed me. White... http://www.goats.com/archive/060328.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 29 / 2006: the programmer (15) | This makes no sense at all. How can they be carrying out God's will if all that's left of the guy is impacted pork gristle in the folds of my small intestine? / / We're living in a deterministic artificial universe, remember? He doesn't need to be here to keep things running... http://www.goats.com/archive/060329.html |
| Goats comic strip from March / 30 / 2006: the programmer (16) | Topeka Prime was the first world to discover the true nature of the multiverse. / I'm guessing it exists solely to piss me off. / / After the Topekans discovered how to travel along the pub axis to other levels of reality, they became obsessed with universal metaphysics.... http://www.goats.com/archive/060330.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 03 / 2006: the programmer (17) | Moo? / Hold on for a second. I have to put in disk two. / / So you're some sort of corn guy, then? / Technically I am not a 'guy'. I am the female of my species. / / But you're wearing pants. / I like pants! / / And you're shirtless. / I like to live dangerously. / / And you want to make... http://www.goats.com/archive/060403.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 10 / 2006: the programmer (21) | The Middle Pangaeans were a loose-knit association of Anarcho-Libertarian warrior tribes from the wasted spaces of desert level twelve, second domain. They hated everyone, themselves included. Conflict was inevitable. / / I hate myself for imposin' on ya like this, but... http://www.goats.com/archive/060410.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 11 / 2006: the programmer (22) | The fighting continued for years. The Middle Pangaeans fought with what seemed to be an inexhaustable supply of weaponry and self-loathing. / I hate that you're making me do this! / / The Topekans countered with fresh, virgin battalions of knack-o-lytes, beaming in reinforcements and free sample packets of... http://www.goats.com/archive/060411.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 12 / 2006: the programmer (23) | Determined to stop the Topekan onslaught of great value and quality produce, the Pangaeans finally enlisted the aid of elite agent Blast Masterson. / / Masterson was rumored to have killed so many Topekans that he could no longer strop crying. / / An entire decade of an agent's training is... http://www.goats.com/archive/060412.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 13 / 2006: the programmer (24) | You'll never escape this place alive. There are guards right outside the Axis Pub doors. / / I know. I'm really sorry about this. http://www.goats.com/archive/060413.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 17 / 2006: the programmer (25) | That chunk of bartop you saw when you first got here was the only thing that wasn't vaporized in the explosion. / / I may be a God-eating atheist, but even I know it's a sin to blow up a pub. / Amen, brother. / While Blast Masterson's attack didn't succeed... http://www.goats.com/archive/060417.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 18 / 2006: the programmer (26) | The only way the Topekans could achieve total information awareness was to make a recording of a complete, full-bore high-speed simulation of the entire universe. / / I thought you said their computers weren't up to the task. / They weren't. But as you know, the Topekans aren't opposed to... http://www.goats.com/archive/060418.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 19 / 2006: the programmer (27) | Your consulting firm is mentioned in the comments of the Universal Source Code. / Well, we have a lot of experience in that vertical. / / Then you must build for us a computer powerful enough to run it, so we may discover all the secret, hidden naughty bits of the universe... http://www.goats.com/archive/060419.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 20 / 2006: the programmer (28) | Six thousand years later, the consultants delivered the very first quantum DNA cowputer specification, along with Clara's grandmother, Ursula. / It only took three years to create, but no one could agree on the color. They went with gold. / Tacky. / / The Topekan people looked to Ursula to usher them into a... http://www.goats.com/archive/060420.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 24 / 2006: the programmer (29) | The simulation was run over and over again, with the same result: A fatal crash error would occur at exactly midnight on December 21, 2012. / I don't get it. The equipment is running just fine and we're using an exact duplicate of the Universe 1.3 source code. / / Check this... http://www.goats.com/archive/060424.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 25 / 2006: the programmer (30) | The Topekans called the consultant for technical support. / Your universal source code is buggy! / / We didn't sell you that code. That code is freeware, and as such is unsupported. We just supplied the cow. / / It uses a Mayan calendar function! / Many of our... http://www.goats.com/archive/060425.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 26 / 2006: the programmer (31) | That Code Monk looks familiar. / That's the old lady. Wheatina. She had the Knack back then, too. / / Four years later, she became Topeka Prime's youngest Farmer ever. / And the most bloodthirsty too. She's runnin' wars in half the levels of this domain alone. / / When she took... http://www.goats.com/archive/060426.html |
| Goats comic strip from April / 27 / 2006: the programmer (32) | So they waited two hundred years to bring me here to fix a bug in an ancient Mayan calendar function? That's not very proactive. / / They can't do a thing until they get the laptop that the universe is running on. / Let me guess. The laptop was eaten by a dragon... http://www.goats.com/archive/060427.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 01 / 2006: the wound (1) | Look, I admit it. I'm an awesome programmer. I once programmed an Aibo that could fight Chuck Norris to a stalemate. I programmed a lemon, damnit. / / But why me? Why not some other ASCII jockey? / It's prophecy! It is written in the Almanac. / You... http://www.goats.com/archive/060501.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 02 / 2006: the wound (2) | This is a portable biocomputer that we liberated from those wretched Topekan swine. You'll use it to interface with the wound. / Pigs made a turtle Newton. Check. / / Don't feign idiocy. We know who you are. / I'm not feigning anything. This is genuine idiocy. / / Deny it all you want, it doesn't... http://www.goats.com/archive/060502.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 03 / 2006: the wound (3) | You want me to make you a weapon? What, is this giant pile of guns not doing it for you? / / These? These are toys. We need a weapon that can destroy an entire level of existence. / / You're serious. / Toshi Diplo is always serious. / Middle Pangaeans... http://www.goats.com/archive/060503.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 04 / 2006: the wound (4) | You have the technical knowledge to create and manipulate dimensional ruptures, correct? / Incorrect, actually. I have the knowledge to reheat a burrito in a microwave. That's the full extent of my technical prowess. / / Our surveillance indicates otherwise. Topekan documents have been recovered confirming... http://www.goats.com/archive/060504.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 08 / 2006: the wound (5) | She's mean. You're all mean people. Well, except for you. You're a mean lizard. / We have names. / / Congratulations. Perhaps civilization isn't completely out of grasp for you. / My name is Glock. What you would call civilization is what we call madness. / / And... http://www.goats.com/archive/060508.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 09 / 2006: the wound (6) | What the? / *** WELCOME TO TURTLE OS 1.3b ***
/ COPYRIGHT 23477.2.22 HARVESTSEASON
/ TOPEKASOFT VENTURE
/ "It's Turtles All The Way Down"
/
/ SHELL:> BEGIN autoboot.qdf -t -r
/ SHELL:> LOADING Miniverse Creator
/ Platinum Shareware Edition
/ *UNREGISTERED*
/
/ SHELL:>... http://www.goats.com/archive/060509.html |
| Goats comic strip from May / 10 / 2006: the wound (7) | I've tweaked the prefs a bit. You should be able to access The Wound directly now. / Thanks. You're a latter-day saint. / / Look, mister, you seem to grok this computer stuff pretty well. You give it a whirl! I'll go get us a couple ice cream sandwiches. My treat. / No, I think... http://www.goats.com/archive/060510.html |
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