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| based on a true story, i woke up with this phrase in my head and was like "too expensive; plus really i probably just misheard the phrase '50 million doll-hair church for girls' which is creepy and gross" | T-Rex: I just woke up with the phrase "50 million dollar church for squirrels" stuck in my head! / T-Rex: Um, so I guess THIS is what I should be doing with my life? / T-Rex: The first issue is fifty million dollars is a LOT of dollars, especially just to give squirrels a place of worship. The second issue is, do squirrels even have spiritual lives?
/ Dromiceiomimus: More importantly, do even they have spiritual lives that correspond with the church you're building?
/ T-Rex: Frig, I don't even know if squirrels can conceptualize their own death!! / Utahraptor: The question is, is self-awareness truly necessary for spirituality AND IF SO, do squirrels have it?
/ T-Rex: Who knows?! / Utahraptor: We're in the deep end of the philo-/theological pool here and THE LIFEGUARD JUST WENT ON BREAK.
/ T-Rex: Okay, PRACTICAL QUESTIONS: should all $50 million be spent on construction or should some be saved for maintenance?
/ Utahraptor: If you ask me, this whole squirrel church idea is nuts! / T-Rex and Utahraptor: Hah hah hah http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2024 |
| "..././!/?/?/?/$" | Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE:
/ T-Rex: Hello, everybody! I'm T-Rex and I'm here to endorse whatever product or service you'd like! Turn on your microphones and digital recorders, because: / T-Rex: "I just can't get enough of..." / T-Rex: "the/this/a/your/you", "wonderful/amazing/valuable/free/proven", "new/enhanced/improved/guaranteed", "service/product/lifestyle", "that/which", "now/greatly/somehow/always", "saves/simplifies/complicates/meddles in", "every/your society's/your children's/Grandma's", "cooking/bedroom/office/cellar/beachhouse", "performance/results/love/money/sex/career"!
/ T-Rex: Now I just wait for the money to roll in! / Narrator: LATER:
/ T-Rex (from offscreen): I just can't get enough of this free new lifestyle that greatly complicates your children's office sex!" / T-Rex: Welp, that's it for me. I had a good run, Utahraptor.
/ Utahraptor: You did. If only you'd chosen less terrible words to say.
/ T-Rex: I think, somehow, we ALL knew that would be my epitaph. / Narrator: THE END http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2025 |
| it's nice because they're nice! | T-Rex: When someone gives you a gift it's nice because they're nice to you, but it sucks because suddenly your reactions are / T-Rex: ON DISPLAY AND BEING JUDGED / T-Rex: and that's not nice! Sometimes my reactions are bad, okay? SOMETIMES, when I know my behaviour is being examined I instantly forget how to have interactions with others, how to sound sincere, AND where to put my hands when I'm not staring at them.
/ T-Rex: ...
/ T-Rex: OH CRAP, talking about being weird about my hands has made me SUPER WEIRD about my hands!! / Utahraptor: Just gesture with them while you speak, dude!
/ T-Rex: Okay, right. Like... this? / Utahraptor: No, now you're just holding them out. Let them hang limply at your side, I guess? Man. What DO we do with our hands when we're not staring at them?
/ T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR no, it got you too!!
/ T-Rex: Your- your hands look weird
/ Utahraptor: yours too / Narrator: AND THEY NEVER LOOKED NORMAL AGAIN
/ Narrator: THE END http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2026 |
| Deleted dialogue: Dromiceiomimus: "T-Rex, you don't have to say 'horse' that much." T-Rex: "Hah! Oh, Dromiceiomimus, IF ONLY THAT WERE TRUE." | T-Rex: First, I email tons of people the winners of tomorrow's horse race! / T-Rex: Only I don't really know who's gonna win tomorrow's horse race! / T-Rex: So I email different names to tons of different people, knowing that there'll be ONE groups that gets the correct winner, showing them that I apparently have FUTURE HORSE KNOWLEDGE. I then repeat the process on the winners over and over, until I've got a small group that's seen me be right EVERY SINGLE TIME. Then I say "enough freebies, you gotta pay me now" and have become a scam artiste! / Utahraptor: It's a nice scam, but I don't pal around with scammers so you'll need to find a new bestie! / Narrator: ENDING ONE:
/ T-Rex: Wait, does "bestie" mean "best friend" or is it a contraction of "best tie"?
/ Utahraptor: "Best friend".
/ T-Rex: Well! May I be the first to say:
/ T-Rex: Noooooooo / Narrator: ENDING TWO:
/ T-Rex: The other ending has leaked over into this one!
/ T-Rex: Utahraptor!
/ T-Rex: I still really want to be pals!! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2027 |
| inspired by so many awesome thoughts just before bed and so many disappointed "oh probably it was nothing" morning compromises | T-Rex: I had the greatest idea just before I fell asleep last night! It involved...
/ T-Rex: ...lightning maybe? / T-Rex: Hah hah, looks like I forgot it completely! / T-Rex: Hah hah, looks like what could've possibly been THE GREATEST THING EVER TO GRACE THIS PLANET was forgotten by the few pounds of fatty meat I carry around in my skull!
/ Dromiceiomimus: Hah hah, looks like it also could've been a terrible idea and you only thought it was great because you were about to become unconscious!
/ T-Rex: Hah hah, looks like we'll never know because we evolved brains that think it's cool to forget things without permission! / Utahraptor: Hah hah, looks like it's super weird to assign agency to your own brain!
/ T-Rex: Hah hah! / T-Rex: Looks like there are untold millions of ideas and inventions all lost because the conscious mind was preparing to shut down for a bit and couldn't be bothered to save its work. Hah hah, looks like we'll never know what we lost! HAH HAH, LOOKS LIKE HAVING A PHYSICAL BODY IS THE WORST. / T-Rex: Hah hah http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2028 |
| SOMETIMES your friends will ruin what you thought was a really great metaphor/relationship | T-Rex: Relationships! Sometimes thay are hard, but NOT if you have a great captain for the ol' SS Relationship! / T-Rex: And he or she has a great crew! / T-Rex: And the crew has been trained by the best sailing minds of their generation, and each therefore braces themselves to their duty with the maximum of professional skill possible; always learning, improving themselves AND their sailing.
/ Dromiceiomimus: And yet even so, a successful journey depends on the winds, and the weather, and on getting lucky with storms.
/ T-Rex: R-
/ T-Rex: Right. / Utahraptor: Oh man, your metaphor fell apart there huh?
/ T-Rex: It didn't! / Utahraptor: It totally did! You were all "what if a relationship is like a real ship" but then Dromiceiomimus was like, "Even the greatest ship crewed by legends can find itself wrecked on the shoals of an unfriendly shore."
/ T-Rex: FINE. Relationships, like metaphors, are REALLY hard to get right. / Utahraptor: And sometimes at the start of a new relationship/metaphor, the sex is really exciting and awesome!
/ T-Rex: Oh my god, are you actually getting sex for metaphors??
/ T-Rex: Because, if so, I am willing to put WAY more effort into my metaphors http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2029 |
| on the plus side, you could spend eternity playing video games and not be accused of wasting your time because HELLO, you can't waste an infinitely renewable resource (here assuming the sun won't go out and someone's working on reversing entropy) | T-Rex: If we were all immortal, then obviously we'd have a overpopulation problem. But what are some of the less obvious downsides? What does a world where everyone is immortal ACTUALLY look like? / Narrator: MORE DOWNSIDES TO IMMORTALITY / T-Rex: The sun rises on an unhappy. technologically underdeveloped world. Old racisms from thousands of years ago are still prevalent, conflicts that would otherwise have been completely forgotten still used as justification for reprisals. Positions of power have been held for hundreds, even thousands of years by one person: when assassination isn't an option, jobs are left only when they're no longer interesting! Society ossifies. / Utahraptor: But at least we're all frozen in peak physicality!
/ T-Rex: Sure! / T-Rex: And because of that, there's little concern about establishing a legacy. Skills, secrets, inventions and discoveries are jealously guarded, their potential returns stretching out over a lifetime that never ends. In summary and in conclusion, a world where everyone's immortal is bad for everyone! / T-Rex: However, a society in which ONLY I am immortal would have none of these problems. Hey God, folks say you are always listening!
/ T-Rex: In this case, may I suggest you should be TAKING NOTES http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2030 |
| originally t-rex was going to say "horror only induces a physical response if you're WIMPY and get SCARED BY WORDS" but man, words are the scariest thing | T-Rex: I think I'd be really good at writing comedy! And I also think I'd be great at writing horror and EROTICAL FICTION/BIOGRAPHY. / T-Rex: They're all genres wherein your body tells you when you're doing it right! / T-Rex: If I write good comedy, I know it's good because I laugh! And good horror and erotica provoke a physical response too: scaredy emotions and/or PRIVATE TIMES, respectively. My body lets me know "Hey, this bit works. Good job." by PHYSICALLY CHANGING STATE, which when you think about it, is basically amazing. / T-Rex: And that's why humour, horror and erotica are the #1 best genres!
/ Utahraptor: But your body changes all the time! / Utahraptor: If you write a really dramatic scene, your heart rate goes up!
/ T-Rex: Come on! Who writes drama hooked up to a heart monitor?
/ Utahraptor: The extre-
/ T-Rex: Um, BESIDES THE EXTREMELY ELDERLY, OBVIOUSLY. / T-Rex: Um, IT'S REALLY SAD TO CONSIDER LIVING THAT WAY, OBVIOUSLY. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2031 |
| chicken wings don't take THAT long; has the whole world represented in these six panels gone CRAZY | T-Rex: Who here likes waiting? Raise your hand. / T-Rex: Wow nobody? / T-Rex: I guess that's because most of us have finite lifespans, and waiting steals TINY NIBBLES from our metaphorical life cookie!
/ Dromiceiomimus: Some things are worth the wait.
/ T-Rex: Like what?
/ Dromiceiomimus: ...Ice cream? / Utahraptor: ...Chicken wings?
/ T-Rex: Bah! / T-Rex: I can get both of those at the corner store, AND they're open 24 hours a day for my convenience!
/ Utahraptor: Yeah, but they're not quality! Sometimes quality takes time.
/ T-Rex: Sometimes YOUR MOM takes time! / T-Rex: ...to write back to my emails. *sigh* http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2032 |
| plus eventually the universe will reach a state where it can no longer sustain your demands on it, let us not forget that little "feature" | God: T-REX LET'S ASSUME THAT SOMEHOW YOU WILL NEVER DIE OF NATURAL CAUSES
/ T-Rex: I hope that by "assume" you mean "make it so" SO MUCH that I'm going to pretend that's what you said! Immortality, here I come! / God: THAT'S STILL NOT IMMORTALITY DUDE
/ T-Rex: Impossible! / God: NO YOU'RE STILL MORTAL THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS YOU WON'T DIE FROM YOUR BODY GETTING OLD INSTEAD EVERYTHING AROUND YOU WILL BE TRYING TO KILL YOU
/ God: YOU KNOW
/ God: ACCIDENTS AND WHAT NOT
/ T-Rex: Hah! I'm PRETTY SURE I can avoid tripping down the stairs if it means LIVING FOREVER. / Utahraptor: Pretty sure I can prove you can't!
/ T-Rex: Pretty sure I can get a book on how to hold the handrail! / Utahraptor: T-Rex, forever is INFINITY LONG. Even if you're super careful and have only 1 in 10 trillion chance of dying on the stairs, how often can you expect that happens if you live, oh, I don't know, 10 TRILLION YEARS?
/ T-Rex: O-Once?
/ Utahraptor: And if you live INFINITY YEARS, the chance of you dying from it becomes 1: TOTAL CERTAINTY. / Utahraptor: With an infinite natural lifespan, the chance you die of ANYTHING raises to 1. Literally the entire universe will kill you, if you give it enough time.
/ T-Rex: That means if I live long enough YOU'LL kill me too! Oh man!!
/ T-Rex: This friendship just got... DANGEROUS. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2033 |
| you can also only affect/kill things in your future light cone! so, if you're having trouble choosing, that's a good place to start. may i be the first to say: onetwothree NOT ME | GOD: T-REX YESTERDAY WHEN YOU AGREED EVERYTHING COULD KILL YOU I DON'T THINK YOU CONSIDERED A 4D PAST LIGHT HYPERCONE INTERACTING WITH THE HYPER-SURFACE OF THE PRESENT
/ T-Rex: Yeah, that sounds about right! / GOD: HOLD ON LET ME REDUCE THAT TO 3D AND ALSO BE A LITTLE MORE GRAPHIC / GOD: YO CHECK IT
/ {{graphic showing hyperspacial time continuum which proves God's point}} / GOD: ONLY THINGS IN YOUR PAST LIGHT CONE CAN AFFECT/KILL YOU
/ T-Rex: Because nothing travels faster than light!
/ Utharaptor: Huh? / T-Rex: If some sucky jerk is 50 million light years away, he can't kill me! He's not inside my past light cone. Hah hah! I'M INVINCIBLE against far-away chunks of the universe! SUCK ON THAT, distant matter!!
/ Utharaptor: But your past light cone expands with time. Eventually it'll encompass the entire universe! / Utharaptor: My point is: if that jerk fired a light-speed bullet 50 million light years ago at where you are right now, you'll get shot right... about... NOW.
/ T-Rex: ...
/ T-Rex: Hah hah!
/ T-Rex: Not only is he a SUCKY JERK, but his aim STINKS http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2034 |
| technically everything DOES blast away from the sun. thanks inverse-square law! you made writing technically-specific language easy! | T-Rex: If gravity reversed right now I would be so pooched! Please RT if gravity reversed right now and you would be so pooched! / {{no text on panel 2}} / Dromiceiomimus: ...You're not on Twitter right now, T-Rex. On that subject: I followed you on Twitter for about 10 minutes, but everything you posted was... insane?
/ T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I will be honest: I'm not ONE HUNDRED percent certain what Twitter does, but does this mean that you will not be please RTing? / Utharaptor: If gravity reverses, then matter repels instead of attracting!
/ T-Rex: And...?
/ Utharaptor: And we're ALL pooched! / Utharaptor: It's not just "we flaot off into the sky". The earth's core becomes a bomb, everything blasts away from the sun, and the universe eventuallyends up being a fine mist of particles each trying to get as far away as possible from all the other particles. Good one, T-Rex. / Narrator: MEANWHILEM IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE GRAVITY REVERSED RIGHT... NOW:
/ [[T-Rex flies in the air]]
/ T-Rex: Holy crap!!
/ T-Rex: This first part is AMAZING!! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2035 |
| later: i confess that i write comics by just filling a binary file with about 65k of 1s and 0s and somehow it ALWAYS WORKS | [[ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE]]
/ T-Rex: Our first question comes from Dromiceiomimus, who writes, / T-Rex: "T-Rex, why are you opening the Professor's mail?" / T-Rex: "If you are reading this then I know that you can't be trusted with a Professor's mail. Your epitath will be 'Here Lies T-Rex: Okay, Listen, Keep Your Mail The Heck Away From This Guy.' You may even be reading his email in front of m-"
/ T-Rex: Oh, hey, Dromiceiomimus!
/ T-Rex: As you can see, I took the opportunity to memorize your ENTIRE LETTER. / Utharaptor: By rote, it seems!
/ T-Rex: Huh? / Utharaptor: It doesn't look like you've read her letter, just memorized it.
/ T-Rex: Oh, I actually listen (and read!) through fantastic luck, guessing at what words mean/are! Thern to talk I just flap my lips and folks seem to get it! I don't get it! I don't really know a single thing about any language. I'm just incredibly ASTRONOMICALLY lucky. / T-Rex: I'm probably the most improbably thing to happen ever in time. Hey, let's ask Professor Science precisely how unlikely my circumstances are!
/ Utharaptor: Why? You're joking, right?
/ T-Rex: I believe it is literally impossible to tell! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2036 |
| ryan do you have any facts you'd like to volunteer, perhaps about my entire family and/or meat | T-Rex: It's Wednesday! Come with me on a JOURNEY OF EDUCATION as we learn how movies are made!! / T-Rex: Movies are made by film cameras and other advanced technology! / T-Rex: With the right technology, a robot can be programmed to point a video camera at other robots doing something interesting, and a computer program can be designed to automatically choose the most interessting shots and cut them up into a major motion picture, exploding onto the screens at a cinema near you!!
/ T-Rex: And THAT'S how movies are made! / Utahraptor: Funny, I thought directors and actors were usually involved!
/ T-Rex: Why? / T-Rex: Why involve FALLIBLE TALKING MEAT when we have robots, programmed to be infallible, and also not to be meat?
/ Utahraptor: I guess PROBABLY because we don't have such robots.
/ T-Rex: Hey, here's an INCREDIBLE fact: go on any set, yell "Robots, ENGAGE OMEGA DIRECTIVE ALPHA!", and the director will love you for life!! / T-Rex: *sigh*
/ T-Rex: Here's a credible fact: I have never been near a movie set in my life http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2037 |
| What has four legs in the morning, etc, anyway it's Vin Diesel. | T-Rex: God you answer people's prayers, right? Folks are always saying how you answer prayers.
/ God: SURE
/ God: I GUESS / T-Rex: But that's terrible!! / T-Rex: Because if you do what someone's praying for, then either FALLABLE, GREEDY MORTALS are influencing your Divine Plan, or you're already doing what you were going to do anyway and any answered prayer is mere coincidence! RIDDLE ME THAT!
/ God: YOU DIDN'T ASK ME A RIDDLE
/ T-Rex: FINE. What has four legs in the morning, etc, it's humanity. / God: MAN THAT'S A GOOD ONE
/ T-Rex: I know, right? I learnt it from a half cat/half dude dude! / T-Rex: The POINT IS, it seems like prayer is either a pretty serious problem with divinity or a complete waste of time. How do you respond to these charges?!
/ Utahraptor: Me?
/ T-Rex: No, GOD. CLEARLY I WAS TALKING TO GOD.
/ Utahraptor: Oh hah hah because for a second there you looked like a crazy person is all / God: T-REX IF I ONLY DID THE MOST POPULAR PRAYERS WOULD YOU BE HAPPY
/ T-Rex: If that were true, then the FUTURE ITSELF becomes a friggin' popularity contest!!
/ T-Rex: Although that would mean we'd all get immortal talking puppies; listen, I need to get back to you on this one http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2038 |
| If you want people to think you want to look cultured but don't understand what that means, put a replica of david outside your house! DO IT. | Narrator: SHORT VERSIONS OF CLASSIC WORKS OF ART IN COMICS FORM
/ Narrator: tl;dr: short things / Narrator: THE MONA LISA:
/ T-Rex: A woman smiles, a little bit? Let's obsess about that. / Narrator: STARRY NIGHT:
/ T-Rex: Van Gogh painted it, it's kinda trippy. Let's imagine it right now!
/ T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: Whoaaahhhh / Narrator: HAMLET:
/ Utahraptor: To be or not to be, that is the -
/ T-Rex: - play this comes from! / Narrator: BEETHOVEN'S NINTH SYMPHONY:
/ T-Rex: Dah dah dah dah, dah dah dah dah, dah dah dah DAH DAHHHH dahdah!
/ Utahraptor: That was beautiful!
/ T-Rex: Yes; I'm glad we could all hear it instead of just reading about it later in some lesser medium. / Narrator: MICHALENGO'S DAVID:
/ T-Rex: Statue of a naked dude kinda doing this, and you can see his ween! Let's all pretend we're not staring at a larger than life stone-cold ween.
/ T-Rex: I'm still looking though! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2039 |
| borders: actually i guess i can think of weirder imaginary things | T-Rex: It turns out the world is chock full of IMAGINARY INVISIBLE LINES, and if I cross some of them, NOT ONLY do become a wanted felon, but I also get to be shot and killed! / T-Rex: Borders: SUPER WEIRD?? / T-Rex: At some point someone had to sit down and sad "Whoah! Hold on, everyone! I just imagined an invisible something SO IMPORTANT that if you refuse to imagine the exact same thing, then we all get to kill you!" That's some pretty hard-core imagination, fella! One time I imagined a hat that you put drinks in and then you get to drink out of the hat, but it turned out that was already invented.
/ T-Rex: ...I forget where I was going with this / Utahraptor: Borders: super weird?
/ T-Rex: Borders: SUPER WEIRD!! / T-Rex: Entire communities live on borders, some even straddling their imaginary line. And if enough people decide to imagine it differently, the line can change: you go to bed in Country Boringtimes and wake ip in Country Omega, where It's Always Two For One Tacos!
/ Utahraptor: Granted, that's the best possible scenario.
/ T-Rex: *sigh* / T-Rex: The greatest proof we're not meant to be happy all the time is that Country Omega doesn't exist and yet is SO EASY to imagine!
/ Utahraptor: You just take an existing country and add universal two for one tacos!
/ T-Rex: I KNOW; I JUST SAID IT WAS REALLY EASY http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2040 |
| originally this comic was very different and ended in the punchline "blimpin' ain't easy"; i invite you to imagine what sort of comic that might have been; if your imagination is great enough feel free to sincerely laugh at your amazing comedic setup | Narrator: DINOSAUR COMICS PRESENTS: "DEGREES OF INFORMATION"
/ Narrator: FIRST HAND:
/ T-Rex: I ate a sandwich the size of my head! / Narrator: SECOND HAND:
/ T-Rex: I heard that guy ate a sandwich the size of this head! / Narrator: THIRD HAND:
/ T-Rex: I heard some guy heard that some OTHER guy ate a sandwich the size of THIRTEEN HEADS!
/ Dromiceiomimus: Which guy?
/ T-Rex: I don't know!
/ T-Rex: Some jerk, probably / Narrator: FIRST HAND REFLEXIVE:
/ T-Rex: I saw a guy eat a sandwich the size of his head - in a mirror!
/ Utahraptor: It was you.
/ T-Rex: NICE!! / Narrator: MAXIMUM-POSSIBLE HAND:
/ T-Rex: I was literally the last person in the universe to find out that some guy ate a sandwich the size of his head!! And the guy who told me was the second-last to find out, and so on inductively!
/ T-Rex: *sigh*
/ T-Rex: Life's funny sometimes, Utahraptor / Narrator: ZEROTH HAND:
/ T-Rex: Be no afraid, for I am pure information given form, as perfect, raw and freebased truth. Gaze upon me and you gaze upon the face of fact.
/ T-Rex: Okay so that guy totally ate a sandwich the size of his head!! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2041 |
| Not really that bad | The Devil : GREETING T-REX I COME TO YOU WITH A QUERY
/ T-Rex : ...Proceed.
/ The Devil : DO YOU BELIEVE AN OPTIONALLY NON-DESTRUCTIVE SANDBOX GAME IS POSSIBLE / T-Rex : Um , yes, I guess? / The Devil : BECAUSE I DREAM OF A GAME WHERE I CAN SET UP SHOP AS A TOYMAKER BUILDING WOODEN TOYS FOR CHILDREN AND THE REAL POINT OF THE GAME IS TO BLOW UP CARS FOR POINTS
/ The Devil : BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO AND I HAVE CHOSEN FOR MYSELF THE QUIET AND NOBLE LIFE OF A WOODCARVER
/ The Devil : THEN LATER WHEN THAT GETS BORING I CAN BLOW UP CARS / T-Rex : So you want a game where you can do - anything?
/ Utharaptor : They have a name for that: REALITY. / T-Rex : Cute, but it avoids the central issue which is this: we all want a reality where we act on whims and have a total freedom and blow up cars for points, but can still buil a life, fall in love, and use cheat codes when things get boring.
/ Utharaptor : ...I actually DO want that reality.
/ T-Rex : See? I do too! / The Devil : SEE PEOPLE ALWAYS CLAIM THAT I AM BASICALLY THE WORST DUDE EVER BUT IF THAT WERE TRUE THEN YOU MUST ANSWER ME THIS
/ The Devil : HOW COME I CAN THINK OF SUCH AWESOME THINGS TO DO ON XBOXES http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2042 |
| DID YOU KNOW: you don't even get to keep it/them afterwards | T-Rex: Sometimes if you have a festering wound, doctors will prescribe maggots! Certain breeds only eat dead tissue and ignore healthy tissue, which cleans out the wound at a level a surgeon simply couldn't! NICE. / Narrator: SECRETS OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSION. / Dromiceiomimus: That's no secret, T-Rex! Maggot debridement has been around since antiquity. / T-Rex: Sure, but not ALL maggots only eat dead tissue! Sometimes if you leave a wound untreated, maggots that eat ANYTHING will hatch and live there. It's gross. I think we can all agree that physical bodies are gross, Dromiceiomimus. / Dromiceiomimus: No argument here. / Utahraptor: So go to the hospital and have them removed! / T-Rex: Sure! / T-Rex: But removing them can be tricky, as if they burst infection can follow. IF ONLY there was some secret way to lure maggots out of a wound, something SO DELICIOUS - SO IRRESISTABLE that not a single member of the animal kingdom can resist its wonderfu- / Utahraptor: Is it bacon? / T-Rex: It's bacon, yeah! / Narrator: BACON - Delicious in a sandwich - Great at wound maggot removal - Still 0 grams of trans fat per serving - http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2043 |
| the title text is lying, ghost teddy roosevelt actually cocked TWO shotguns at once, one in each hand | T-Rex: Once upon a time there was a SERIOUSLY spooky ghost!
/ T-Rex: No, wait. It can be done better.
/ T-Rex: *ahem* / T-Rex: Antonio Tony could see dead people! / T-Rex: Every room was packed for him, as there was a ghost for everyone who ever lived. Ghosts of explorers from hundreds of years ago wandered the downtown core bumping shoulders with the ancient ghosts of their earliest ancestors. And it wasn't just people: the seas were filled with 270 million years of ghostly trilobites, and long-extinct animals roamed the skies-many not found in any textbook. Antonio had checked. / Utahraptor: This is actually an awesome premise: the air nearly opaque with dead insects!
/ T-Rex: Thanks, but I'm not done yet! / T-Rex: Antonio took notes on some of the ghosts, dragging their mangled, legless bodies through malls, parks, and stadiums. He knew any book he produced would be invaluable to historians, but also knew anything he produced would be seen as fiction.
/ Utahraptor: NICE.
/ T-Rex: It was then that the first spaceship landed. / T-Rex: The ships appeared puzzlingly empty, as only Antonio could see ghost alien shock troops pouring out! He must now recruit the very best of Earth's history to fight this secret war for survival!!
/ T-Rex: Man!
/ T-Rex: I wish I had more time to talk about this awesome premise; OH WELL http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2044 |
| HOT TIP FOR ARTISTS: when writing a grant application be sure to introduce yourself with "if i could just say a few words, i'd be a better public speaker! but as this is the medium of text allow me to proceed:" | T- Rex: Amelia and Antonio Tony were two original characters COPYRIGHT ME who were having sex intercourse! They were having it in a manner that would be arousing to a third party reading about these events after the face. / T-Rex: Hey! That's your cur, readers! / T-Rex: "Wow, so arousing," whispered the first reader of the story, increasingly aroused. "I found the information on the first reader somewhat less arousing than the original story", said the second reader, her arousal waning. The third reader threw away this book in disgust as it was extremely difficult to get aroused to/with, but only after writing, in the past tense, about what he was abut to do. / Utahraptor: So we read your story, add on our own experience, and pass it on?
/ T-Rex: Yep! / T-Rex: The result is an object that is at once reviewed AND reviewer, challenging the classical divide between the two and inviting us to examine our own preconceptions!
/ Utahraptor: It sounds boring.
/ T-Rex: IT SOUNDS LIKE ART AND YOU SHOULD LIKE IT. / T-Rex: ALSO MAYBE THIS WASN'T CLEAR:
/ T-Rex: INITIALLY THERE'S PORNS http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2045 |
| what utahraptor said was METAPHORICALLY watertight. if you believe t-rex is looking over his shoulder at an offscreen viable ship in panel five and commenting on its seaworthiness, then what the heck that can be canon too | Narrator: DOG JOKES
/ T-Rex: Who wants to hear jokes about dogs?! I sure hope you do! / T-Rex: AND I SURE HOPE YOU BROUGHT SOME, because I'm tapped! / Dromiceiomimus: Well, this has been a disappointing morning
/ Narrator: THE END /
/ Narrator: CAT JOKES
/ T-Rex: Who wants to hear jokes about cats?! I sure hope -
/ Utahraptor: - you know some! / Utahraptor: Because if not I'm going into the bank and saying "I am T-Rex wearing a Utahraptor mask, and the next time I come here WITHOUT my Utahraptor mask I'm totally robbing this place! These words forever take precedence over any denials I may say in the future."
/ T-Rex: ...MAN. That's water-tight! / T-Rex: Okay, you've earned this one, my friend! What kind of cat keeps your grass short? A lawn MEOWer!
/ Utahraptor: Wow
/ Utahraptor: On second thought I'm doing that bank thing anyway http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2046 |
| one of my favourite baseball memories is having to play it with a glove on my wrong hand, so that when i did catch a ball I had to throw it with my weak hand, which resulted in a throw so pathetic that even i was laughing at how ridiculous it was. hey la | T-Rex: You and your friends stand in a field, alone, too far away to really talk to each other. You wait there while someone else's friends line up and take turns hitting balls at you. And it's not like they're soft. They're really hard. You can catch them if you want. / Narrator: BASEBALL AS SHE IS PLAYED / T-Rex: If you catch the ball, then they don't get a point, nothing changes, and we've all been wasting our time. If you DON'T catch the ball, then they get to run in a big circle and get some points based on how much of a circle they ran in. A full circle is worth a whopping one point! Also, no fractional points are awarded. Have fun, you guys! / Utahraptor: This doesn't sound like a very interesting game!
/ T-Rex: Hah! Oh, Utahraptor. / T-Rex: Baseball isn't played because it's INTERESTING. Baseball is played because without darkness we would not appreciate the light: without sorrow, we would not appreciate joy. Baseball makes us savour life and reminds us to treasure every second we have on this beautiful planet, because such moments may never come again. / T-Rex: Baseball is played, my dear friend, because without it we would not appreciate the times when we don't have to play baseball.
/ Narrator: THE END http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2047 |
| it has has remained unpatched since first self-reported in 1990 by Tim Berners-Lee | T-Rex: Does anybody else want Mexican food for dinner? Like - always? Like 24 hours a day I would eat Mexican food if it were physically possible? / Narrator: DOES ANYBODY ELSE / Dromiceiomimus: Does anybody else find themselves getting sincerely angry at what fictional characters do? I think about it often. Maybe too often?
/ Dromiceiomimus: I don't know.
/ Dromiceiomimus: Why do they make so many mistakes? / Utahraptor: Does anybody else like sleeping when they're tired?
/ T-Rex: Me! I TOTALLY do! / T-Rex: Does anybody else find foods that are heavy in protein, salts, and fats to be delicious?
/ Utahraptor: I do! Does anybody else sometimes wish the things they regret had gone differently?
/ T-Rex: *gasp*
/ T-Rex: Sometimes I do wish that!! / Narrator: LATER
/ T-Rex: Does anyone else's web browser have this weird bug here the internet's really boring and then you get sad http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2048 |
| I was working on this comic back during SDCC and Chris "Dr. McNinja" Hastings offered to help me with it, so I read him the first three panels and he stared at me and said "I think you've got your own thing going, buddy" and we never spoke of it again | T-Rex: Two people decide that they've got some genitals they're not using right now, and that THIS, my friend, is kind of a waste! / Narrator: SEX AS SHE IS PLAYED / T-Rex: So they agree that it's time to sex, and then they go away and we all wonder what's going on! But not for too long because one comes out and says "We're gonna 'do it'" and we all go "Ohhhhh" and then they come back again and say "That means we're gonna have sexual intercourse" and the last person goes "OHHHHH." He's the slow one.
/ Dromeciomimus: OHHHHH. / Utahraptor: Then what happens?
/ T-Rex: Then we cheat! WE CHEAT BIOLOGY ITSELF. / T-Rex: Millions of years of evolution made sex feel amazing and be super hot so we'd do it all the time and make babies! But we use birth control and have awesome fun times WITHOUT a lifetime of parental responsibility. Take that, evolution! Take that, biology! Take that, ADULT RESPONSIBILITIES!! / T-Rex: I'd now like to address my body directly from a moment. Thanks for teaming up with science and being SO AWESOME, my body. Seriously: thanks bro.
/ Off-screen: *ahem*
/ T-Rex: Some thanks go out to the bodies of everyone else too I GUESS http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2049 |
| i've said this before, but the fact that "species" is its own plural is SO CONVENIENT. i definitely need to write the OED more fan mail. | God: T-REX WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOR
/ T-Rex: Narrow it to a shade, brotimes!
/ God: T-REX WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SHADE OF BROWN / T-Rex: Dude! It's this delightful deep brown, kind of a burnt umber? / T-Rex: It was a super popular color with 16th and 17th centruy painters. It only stopped being made when we used up the necessary ingredients.
/ Dromiceiomimus: Really! Which ingredient did we use up?
/ T-Rex: Well, I don't want this to be a "thing", Dromiceiomimus, but it's called "mummy brown" and it's KINDA made from ground-up mummies. / Utahraptor: It's "kinda" made from ground-up mummies?
/ T-Rex: OKAY IT'S LITERALLY MADE FROM GROUND-UP MUMMIES. / T-Rex: We dug up actual consecrated remains and ground 'em into dust and painted with them, OKAY?? And we kept it up for generations, stopping only when the corpses ran out. I don't know what this says about us as a people, but we've all just got to live with it. PAINTING WITH GROUND-UP BODIES: A A PART OF OUR HERITAGE. / Narrator: MEANWHILE IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX IS MAKING FIRST CONTACT WITH AN INCREDIBLY POWERFUL ALIEN INTELLIGENCE:
/ Alien: Our first test of your species is this: tell us about your favourite shade of brown, T-Rex.
/ T-Rex: Um... ha ha http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2051 |
| the more i think about it the more it seems god powers are a pretty sweet deal. i guess this thought has been had before? | God: T-REX WHY DON'T YOU RATE ALL YOUR FRIEND FROM BEST TO WORST
/ T-Rex: That sounds like a recipe for social disaster!
/ God: AND INCLUDE ME ON THE LIST
/ God: GOD / God: THE DUDE WHO INVENTED EVERYTHING
/ T-Rex: Maaan! / T-Rex: You're totally assuming that there's one ranking that captures an entire friendship! The rating would be different if I'm going by helpfulness in an underwater adventure or by usefulness in a situation in which claws are needed!
/ God: OKAY THAT'S NICE BUT I'M KINDA GOD OVER HERE AND IF I NEED CLAWS I CAN GROW THEM
/ God: AS SO
/ God: *SNIKT* / God: I'VE GOT WOLVERINE CLAWS LIKE FROM THE COMIC WOLVERINE
/ T-Rex: Aw geez!
/ Utahraptor: What's up? / T-Rex: God gave himself Wolverine claws. But I can't imagine what possible use they'd have for a divine being!
/ Utahraptor: Well, if you had god powers, wouldn't YOU use them to get Wolverine claws?
/ T-Rex: Obvs, but I kinda thought that was the reason why I didn't have god powers! / God: I'M THE BEST THERE IS AT WHAT I DO T-REX
/ God: AND WHAT I DO SURPASSES ALL MORTAL UNDERSTANDING
/ T-Rex: Maaaaaaaan http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2052 |
| sometimes i imagine my life where i write the same comics i've been writing, but instead of publishing them online i put them in a big stack, or, you know, wallpaper my house with them and never invite anyone over. hah! WHO IS THE CRAZY ONE NOW | T-Rex: You know those guys who are quiet and unassuming but when they die folks look in their house and find an AMAZING unpublished manuscript that nobody know they were writing?
/ T-Rex: I would like to be one of those guys, please! / T-Rex: I would also like not to die, please! / T-Rex: All I REALLY want is someone to look through my stuff when I'm not around and find something that makes them say, "Wow, T-Rex had such a rich and inner life and incredibly powerful imagination; I guess he really WAS one of the greatest minds of this or - I'll say it - any other generation."
/ Dromiceiomimus: What did you have in mind to leave behind to make people say this?
/ T-Rex: I dunno - neatly pressed shirts? / Utahraptor: Neatly pressed shirts. Really?
/ T-Rex: Incidentally, do you know how to press shirts? / Utahraptor: I do, yes, because I am an adult. Listen, if you ARE secretly working on a 15,145 page magnum opus or something, the whole point of this is you're never supposed to mention it! Otherwise we might suspect and the surprise is RUINED.
/ T-Rex: Suspect what? That I'm secretly a genius author? Allow me to be the first to say: / T-Rex: PROCEED http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2053 |
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