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fun fact: in the first draft of this comic i had the rules of tag wrong! when i figured that out i was stunned, i was like, "what happened to me" T-Rex: One of you becomes the dreamer, and the rest, the dreams. The dreams, though they cannot articulate why, even to themselves, forever run from the dreamer. / Narrator: TAG AS SHE IS PLAYED / T-Rex: The dreams can take many forms, but generally assume the limited form of a screaming child. The dreams run from the dreamer, desiring at the same moment to be caught and to be free. These desires do battle in the dream-mind, while the dreamer, unable to comprehend the essential futility that surrounds him, gives chase. He runs wildly after the dreams, a ridiculous parody of who he was before this terrible game began. They are all reduced to clowns. / T-Rex: The game is ended when a dreamer achieves even a fleeting touch of the dream. That touch will have to suffice. / Utahraptor: You're - ! / T-Rex: Though dozens may play, Utahraptor, there can only be one winner, that single moment of briefly-realized potential doing more damage than a thousand losses. This is a special kind of madness. / Utahraptor: I was going to say "You're it!", but now I'm going home to be sad. / T-Rex: That's right! I NEVER / T-Rex: LOSE / T-Rex: AT TAG
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1964
two panels already wasted before we even get to start, hey, what kinda narration is dis Narrator: EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT WORLD HISTORY IN SIX PANELS / Narrator: WELL, FIVE REALLY / Narrator: NOW IT'S FOUR / T-Rex: Okay! RIGHT. So the world was formed 4 and a half billion years ago and then eventually we showed up! This began what's known as "The Epoch of when Shit Got Real". / Dromiceiomimus:So you covered over 4 billion years in 31 words, that's about... 7.5 words per billion years? Which leaves about two words to sum up our entire recorded history. / T-Rex: Um... / Dromiceiomimus: That's one! / T-Rex: ...neat? / Utahraptor: Your entire summary of recorded world history is "Un... neat?" Nicely done, T-Rex! / T-Rex: I ran out of words! / T-Rex: HAD I KNOWN THERE WAS A LIMIT, I would've used my 33 words to say "New planet. Life in sea. Evolution. Life everywhere: water, ground, sky. Conflict, learning, progress. Language. Then T-Rex shows up and it get AH-MAZING." Kapow! 10 words left, baby!! / Utahraptor: "Also, Utahraptor's there: he's good too!" / T-Rex: Four words left! Four words to sum up the world and everyone in it! / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: "PRETTY SWEET, YOU GUYS"
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1965
can you tell i only had one sentence that was never good to hear? can you tell that that is true T-Rex: "Excuse me T-Rex, but which toothbrush do you think is yours?" / T-Rex: SENTENCES THAT ARE NEVER GOOD TO HEAR / T-Rex: Another good one's "What time is it? Looks like it's MURDER O'CLOCK" / Dromiceiomimus: What if they were about to murder a really terrible person though? / T-Rex: Even if that's true, it's never good to hear that bad a line. Instead, they should say "I've gotta stop by the bank real quick to make a deposit... OF MURDER". / T-Rex: ...Wait somehow that got worse, wait - / Utahraptor: "It's not you, it's me." / T-Rex: What if that puts you on the course to a better relationship? / Utahraptor: "The food you gobbled was poisoned"? / T-Rex: Yeah. Yeah, I suppose that's never good to hear. UNLESS... You've altered your DNA to be immune to it, and today's the day of your big test. And it turns out you're now immune to ALL toxins, and this is the first of your many new superpowers to manifest! / T-Rex: You stare at your fists as razor-sharp blades push out from between your fingers. Somehow, it only tickles. Somehow, you know life just got crazy sweet. SOMEHOW, YOU KNOW CRIMINALS WILL RUE THIS DAY. / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: Scientists need to invent a way to make DNA work like in cartoons
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1966
i'm tempted to start a choose-your-own-adventure book that harangues the reader like this! in other news, "harangues" today has made the leap from "word i only ever use in spoken language" to "word i have looked up how to spell and have now used in writi T-Rex: You wake up, the last person in a post-apocalyptic world. What happened? Well shoot, Einstein, I'd say it looks like an apocalypse has happened, and now we're post that. You decide you'd better try to keep up!! / T-Rex: You go on to decide I'M doing a friggin' excellent job narrating! / T-Rex: So there's some immediate concerns of food and water, but there's some longer-term concerns you'll need to deal with too: medicine is no longer being produced, so you'd better lock some of that down. If there's any vehicles you want moved, do it now, because it truns out gasoline can go stale in a matter of months! / Dromiceiomimus: Thanks for the sweet tips, T-Rex! / T-Rex: You thank me for my sweet tips! / Utahraptor: I spend my days carving knowledge into stones, hoping future life will one day understand it! / T-Rex: Sure, okay! You do that. / T-Rex: Millions of years later, intelligent life arises again! Your stones have long since weathered to dust, but they do find your skeleton and put it in a museum! The placard reads "This Guy, Hey, what was The Deal With This Guy?" / Utahraptor: What. / T-Rex: Utahraptor, you scored two out of a possible fifty thousand points! / T-Rex: Utahraptor, your epitaph scored forty-five thousand out of a possible fifty thousand points!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1967
i went back and forth on having dromiceiomimus say "while throwing clocks at a wall" to make the devil's next line a pun. if you prefer it that way, just imagine i did that, and then, we're ALL happy! T-Rex: If you're dead and you're a ghost, why are you still hanging around? What unfinished business could be SO IMPORTANT that it demands the full attention of your new supernatural powers?? Give it a rest! Game over, man! / The Devil: T-REX YOU TALK LIKE YOU'VE NEVER GONE FOR 100% COMPLETION / T-Rex: Oh my gosh THAT MAKES TOTAL SENSE. Ghosts have beaten the game but they're worried they've missed something, so they're handing around, going for 100%! That's their "unfinished business"! / Dromiceiomimus: "I died without ever messing with a lightswitch while throwing cups at a wall"? / T-Rex: Exactly! / The Devil: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: TIME ON YOUR HANDS / Utahraptor: And ghosts hanging around from hundreds of years ago? / T-Rex: They just suck at the game! / T-Rex: They've spent HUNDREDS OF YEARS but they're still in the same spooky mansion, trying to get that last "Get Photographed Clearly" achievement required for 100% and messing it up, Every Single Time. / Utahraptor: Aw, poor guys! / T-Rex: Whatever! Come on, ghosts!! Have you tried NOT being blurry and transparent? / T-Rex: This may sound really obvious, but I don't want to leave any stone unturned here. / T-Rex: I find that really helps me when I'm being photographed.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1968
 
alternatively, why would i add you after only meeting you once? what sort of dark magic is this T-Rex: Hello! We are friends on Facebook and I kinda actually have no idea who you are. You invited me to a party in a distant city, soooo... is that where you live? / Narrator: I GUESS WE MET SOMEWHERE ONCE? / Narrator: a web card / T-Rex: I looked at your profile. I dunno. It seems weird to say "Sorry, I've already got enough friends", but I wouldn't even be saying that. I'd be saying, "Sorry, I've already got enough -- strangers? Who are aware of what movies I liked when I set this up years ago?" / T-Rex: Oh, I looked at your pictures too. / T-Rex: You -- get drunk an awful lot? / Utahraptor: Maybe you met while intoxicated and both forgot! / T-Rex: But I never drink that much! / T-Rex: I figure, either I am forgetting entire friendships and sections of my past wholesale, which is TERRIFYING, or I'm living split-personality double lives in another city, which seems PRETTY INTRIGUING. / Utahraptor: And your other personality is also called "T-Rex" and uses the same Facebook account. / T-Rex: Yep! In either case: dear recipient of this card, thank you for the invitation on Facebook, but I will not be attending the party! / T-Rex: ...Okay! / T-Rex: If you have any idea how we know each other, drop me a line!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1969
i don't believe t-rex's echo worked that great in panel 2, i will have words with him about ever doing THAT again. T-Rex: Oh snap! Looks like tonight I'm going to a / T-Rex: BACHELOR PARTY / T-Rex: PARTY. . . / Party. . . / party. . . / T-Rex: (That was an echo!) / T-Rex: Anyway, it's going to be great. We're going to do all SORTS of things that we can't normally do at parties because WOMEN are around! Bachelor parties are DUDES ONLY. / Dromiceiomimus: What have I ever prevented you from doing at a party, T-Rex? / T-Rex: Um. . . hiring strippers and then being uncomfortable around strippers? / T-Rex: In my head I mean, I never got around to proposing it / Narrator: SEVERAL DAYS LATER! / Utahraptor: T-Rex, where the heck have you been?! / T-Rex: Only at the BEST BACHELOR PARTY IN THE WORLD!! / T-Rex: And, after THAT ended at a sensible hour, I went home and caught up on my correspondence. The next day I checked out some community theatre, and then volunteered at the library! / Utahraptor: Are you joking? I can't tell if you're joking. / T-Rex: No, I helped run special events in the computer room. / Narrator: THE END / Narrator: IT WAS A REALLY GOOD BACHELOR PARTY THOUGH
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1970
batman's t-rex story: "guys, i put him in my lair" Narrator: T-REX'S BATMAN STORY / T-Rex: Batman loves to fight crime, right? He loves it. He lives for it! So you show how fighting crime is his obsession. / T-Rex: But Batman's going too far! / T-Rex: And of course there's already been tons of stories where he's gone too far, but in this one he's not punching dudes too hard now or anything. Instead, he's neglecting his Bruce Wayne persona! / Dromiceiomimus: So? Bruce Wayne's not that important. / T-Rex: Bruce Wayne runs Wayne Enterprises, and Wayne Enterprises is what funds Batman and his gadgets! / Utahraptor: So Batman is ignoring Wayne Enterprises. Then what happens? / T-Rex: An amazing dilemma! / T-Rex: Batman needs the financial support of Wayne Enterprises, so he has to devote more time to it! But every time he's in the boardroom instead of on the streets, people are DYING. / Utahraptor: A large benevolent corporation, properly directed, could easily do much more good than a lone vigilante in a single city. / Banner: The Worst Person To Talk About Batman With / TODAY'S WINNER: UTAHRAPTOR / T-Rex: Utahraptor, come quick!! / T-Rex: YOU WON A PRIZE
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1971
i keep restraining myself from making a "literally impossible" pun in one of these here literary technique comics Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS / Narrator: today's technique / Narrator: DELETED AFFAIR / T-Rex: A deleted affair is when an old relationship is suddenly referred to in the story. Like when Utahraptor and I - / T-Rex: - NEVERMIND / T-Rex: It's MORE like when you read Romeo and Juliet, and Romeo's all into Juliet, but then you read Romeo/Juliet II and it turns out Romeo previously had a relationship with Juliet's smokin' hot sister Rachel who nobody ever mentioned until now, and we're all like, "What? Whaaaaat??" / Dromiceiomimus: "I didn't even know this play existed, whaaaaat?" / T-Rex: "Maybe I'm moving between parallel universes and this is the difference between them, whaat?" / Utahraptor: "In this universe, Shakespeare only wrote R+J sequels, whaaaat?" / T-Rex: "I sure hope some of them are good, whaaaaaaaat?" / T-Rex: "In this sequel Romeo is a vacuum cleaner and Juliet is another vacuum cleaner, wait this is just an ad for vacuum cleaners, whaaaat?" / Utahraptor: "In this one, Romeo's death somehow CATAPULTED HIM THROUGH TIME to our present day, where he works as an engineer. He's pretty good at his job. WHAAAAAT??" / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND / T-Rex: Shakespeare, we need more sequels! You've got to come back with me! / Shakespeare: back where / T-Rex: Back...TO THE FUTURE / T:Rex: You'd get that reference if you came back with me to the future, Shakespeare!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1972
this really means all writing ever is meant to take place in my fictional dinosaur comics world. thanks, universe! i appreciate the compliment. T-Rex: ATTENTION READERS: this book is a direct sequel to whatever book you read last. This book is made entirely out of chapters cut from the end of that OTHER book. Got it? / T-Rex: ARE YOU READY TO GO ON A READING ADVENTURE? / T-Rex: IF YOU ARE A READER, NOW IS THE TIME FOR YOU TO BE SAYING "I GUESS SO!!" / T-Rex: It was all a dream!", said Antonio Tony, as he bolted upright in his bed. "Everything that happened prior to this: TOTALLY IMAGINARY. So crazy!!" He looked around his bedroom. "I think tonight I'll dream ANOTHER narrative or non- fictional tome or two [these are the next books you'll read],' Antonio said. He scratched his neck and tooted, since it was late and nobody was there. "No-one must know," he said, tooting. / Utahraptor: I liked it up ti the tooting! / T-Rex: And then you liked it after the tooting too, right? / Utahraptor: I'll say this: it was clever yo make the previous and next books part of your story. / T-Rex: It's more than that! ALL books you'd read before my story he dreamed last night and the ones you read afterwards he's dreaming tonight! Every book EVER is now an ANTONIO dream! / T-Rex: Every author who has OR EVER WILL write anything is adding this singular an colossal collaborative story! ALL LITERATURE, IN ALL LANGUAGES IS NOW FANFICTION ABOUT MY CHARACTER HIS NAME IS ANTONIO TONY; HE FARTED THE BED. / T-Rex: THIS IS THE VEHICLE WE, AS A PEOPLE, CHOOSE FOR OUR STORIES
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1973
 
No woman will ever love me T-Rex : As tje creator of the universe's most ambitious and inclusive story telling project, "Antonio Tony Toots The Bed"*, I feel... PRETTY GREAT, ACTUALLY! / * See last issue! - Ryan / T-Rex : My sole regret is that my own biography will be reduced to mere Antonio fan fiction! / T-Rex : But it's not REALLY a regret, because one day the greatest person of my generation will write THEIR autobiography, and that'll be Antonio fanfic too. It's a pretty big compliment. / Dromiceiomimus : Our generation's greatest TERRIBLE RACIST may also do the same thing though. / T-Rex : Frig! I hadn't thought of that! / Utharaptor : Yeah, there's ALL SORTS of vile, reprehensible books incorporated into your project now. / T-Rax : Daaaang! / T-Rex : Well, I suppose there's nothing wrong with being inclusive, right? After all, when you incorporate the entire universe's literary output into your book, you're bound to get a few crazy things popping up. / Utharaptor : Every YouTube comment ever written is part of your project too. / T-Rex : ... / T-Rex : Mo woman will ever love me
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1974
DIONYSIAN imitatio! T-Rex : Writing can be hard, especially if you have to write something new! But not if you're an ancient Greek, because then you can fall back to imatatio! / T-Rex : DINONYSIAN imotyatio! / T-Rex : The idea here is that there's a dude named Dionysius who decided that everything worthwhile has already been said, but maybe, just MAYBE, it hasn't been said well enough? So you stand on the shoulder and read what they wrote and say "Calm down everybody, I got this" and then you rewrite it! Literature gets better over time as authors rewrite great works over and over again! / Utharaptor : So - remix culture! / T-Rex : Kinda! / T-Rex : Though remices usually don't replace the origional. Here you want to progress over time, so you remic and the remix gets remixed, and then 1000 years later you've produced the ULTIMATE REMIX and then everyone goes home because culture is over. / Utharaptor : Let's do this! Let's remix a single thing over and over! / T-Rex : "Twinkle twinkle little star"! / Utharaptor : "Sparkle sparkle, tiny space light!" / T-Rex : "Atmosphere can distort starlight, but actually the light is consistent." / Utharaptor : "Sometimes I wonder if this is what I was meant to be doing in life" / T-Rex : Holy crap!! This remix... JUST GOT REAL
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1975
I posted a bunch of these to Twitter late one night earlier this week. Messages like this are but ONE of the many pleasures, subtle and nuanced, that wait for you within my eponymous "feed" Narrator: IT'S LATE AND YOU'RE HOME ALONE: a web card / T-Rex: Wow! The whole place to yourself, huh? And it's really dark out too! / T-Rex: When you got home, did you check out every room? / T-Rex: Wouldn't it be super weird if one of the rooms you didn't check had an axe murderer in it? / Dromiceiomimus: Man, that'd be SO WEIRD! I'm glad I'm not home alone right now, where nobody will check on me for hours and hours. / T-Rex: I know, right? Wouldn't it be EVEN WEIRDER if you glanced out the window and saw the silent motionless silhouette of something just -- watching you? / Dromiceiomimus: That'd be THE WEIRDEST! / Utahraptor: Even better -- imagine if, just as you were reading this, the power cut out? / T-Rex: Oh man! So weird! / T-Rex: And then, while you were still stunned by the sudden darkness, you heard the sound of glass breaking? / Utahraptor: Ooh! Or the sound of fists pounding on your door, and then the unmistakable sound of splintering wood! / T-Rex & Utahraptor: Sooo weird! / T-Rex: If I were the recipient of this card, I would be DEFINITELY be exploring these scenarios in my imagination right now!! Nothing else to do when you're home alone, right? / T-Rex: Yep! / T-Rex: Nothing to do but wait!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1976
alive skeletons are attacking us? who NOSE what'll happen next (points out that you have a nose while skeleton's don't) (hurts skeleton feelings, makes them vulnerable to further attacks) T-Rex: Buying a skeleton costs thousands of dollars! How are skeletons so expensive? EVERYONE GETS ONE FOR FREE, and it's not like you're going to be using it forever! / T-Rex: Skeletons should be like the most free thing ever! / T-Rex: It occurs to me, Dromiceiomimus, that my skeleton probably looks pretty awesome, and just such a skeleton would look rad hanging up in my living room. Folks would say "Oh man, that skeleton is awesome!" and I'd say "Yes. Like the rhetorical magic, this too was within you all along." Assuming they were the same species as the skeleton, I mean. / T-Rex, Dromiceiomimus: Because we're all different species! / Utahraptor: Maybe they're expensive to stop people from treating them too casually? / T-Rex: It's way too late for that! / T-Rex: In movies people fight skeletons all the time, and nobody every says "Wait, this sword-wielding skeleton used to be inside someone, let's all consider our feelings when I mention that." Instead they say "Time to BONE UP on my sword-play!" / Utahraptor: While true, that fails to address the substance of my criticism. / T-Rex: Ooh! Or they say "SKULLS to meet you!" Or "Aw man! RIBS AGAIN?" while punching a skeleton in the ribs! / T-Rex: ...Utahraptor did you say something, I MIGHT'VE fugued out there for a second
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1977
what t-rex was going to say was that a certain Dromiceiomimian friend of ours was seen leaving the troubles she'd accumulated behind! man! good for her! T-Rex: You know what I love and never get to do? / T-Rex: GOSSIP. / T-Rex: And I have some good dirt on the Dromiceiomimus! / T-Rex: OK, so IT TURNS OUT that a certain Dromiceiomimian friend of ours was seen leaving th- / T-Rex: Oh. Hey, Dromiceiomimus. / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex. / T-Rex: Man!! THIS is why I never get to gossip! / T-Rex: But at least I've got some good dirt on the Utahraptor! Who...is currently standing behind me, aren't you? / Utahraptor: Yep! / T-Rex: Well, frig. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get some NEW friends, and I'm going to gossip all about you with them. / Utahraptor: Okay, have fun! Be sure to tell them how awesome I am! / T-Rex: ONLY IF CIRCUMSTANCES DEMAND IT. / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: I'M UNSURE HOW CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE BROUGHT US HERE, new friends, but Utahraptor's pretty rad. He's got pointy toes so when you say "this contract has a good CLAWS in it" he'll roll his eyes. / T-Rex: He does it like every time! Hah hah! / T-Rex: He's so great
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1978
 
i thought "everybody independently somehow" was kind of an awkward way to begin a sentence, so i did a google search and nobody had ever said it on the internet before! EVERYONE we are in UNCHARTED LINGUISTIC TERRITORY HERE T-Rex: Everybody independently somehow comes to the conclusion that they'd rather be alone than hang out with you for even a second longer! It's your greatest self-doubt given form. It's your worst social nightmare realized! / T-Rex: And it's happening RIGHT... / T-Rex: ...NOW. / T-Rex: You say, "You can't be serious, right? All of you? You're kidding, right?" but everyone just stares at you, and when you search their faces you don't even see regret in their eyes. It's just - anticipation. Desperate, you say "I'm going to close my eyes, and I'm going to count to 10, and I'm going to let you change your mind," but you know what will happen. When you open your eyes, feeling stupid, you're alone. Of course you're alone. Of course. / Utahraptor: But you're not going to take this sitting down, are you? / T-Rex: You're damn right!! / T-Rex: Instead, I'm going to hunt down each of my so-called "friends", one by one. And when I find them, I'm going to tap them on the shoulder and say "Did you honestly think you could hide from me forever? Really? BECAUSE I FOUND YOU." / Utahraptor: Then what? / T-Rex: Then... / T-Rex: Then they'll HAVE to be my friend, and we can all ditch someone else instead! / Narrator: HIDE AND GO SEEK / Narrator: AS SHE IS PLAYED
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1979
who was the third person? let's say it was... queen victoria?? Narrator: COMPRESSED LIFE COMICS / today's life / WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE / T-Rex: Williams Shakespeare, or "Willie" as he may have secretly preferred but never actually told anyone, was a food eater! / T-Rex: In his spare time, he also wrote plays! / T-Rex: Anything else about him is PURE SPECULATION, because he died, and everyone he knew died, and everyone they knew died, and then a bunch more died and HERE WE ARE. / T-Rex: How do we know that past people didn't get together and say "Why don't we just make everything up so that future folks will think some crazy things happened? Listen. We have literally nothing else going on; we should definitely do this." / Utahraptor: But then couldn't Shakespeare HIMSELF be made up? / T-Rex: Ah, I see you've studied this before! / T-Rex: The Shakespeare Authorship Question says "Everyone knows Shakespeare wrote some neat plays. But what we're presupposing is... maybe he didn't?" But it's dumb because if a bunch of other people wrote them, I'm sure ONE of 'em would've heard of "not spelling suckily". / Utahraptor: S-U-C- / T-Rex: NOT WHAT I MEANT. / T-Rex: "Oh hello, Ben Johnson and Christopher Marlowe! Let's all write Shakespeare plays together. How do you spell 'bodes'?" / T-Rex: "I dunno, let's spell it 'boades' and call it a day!" / T-Rex: Yes, that's definitely the best three grown men can do. NAP TIME??" / T-Rex: And so on, Utahraptor!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1980
i bet competent rappers don't write too many comics about incompetent rappers, huh T-Rex: Here are some free rap lyrics for anyone who wants to put them into a song and then make me a rap song millionaire. You should probably definitely do this! / T-Rex: It is a good thing to be doing on a school night! / T-Rex: "That guy was fat / But not like big / He was fat like wide / Frig" / Dromiceiomimus: I don't now if I want to freestyle with those lyrics, T-Rex! Also, I graduated years ago. / T-Rex: "That woman was nice / Actually, super nice / If we're gonne be that precise." I'D freestyle with that one, Dromiceiomimus! / T-Rex: Because it's not like they're getting any better. / Utahraptor: "Your rapts are pretty bad and that's a fact / You can't quite say 'em with your dignity intact" / T-Rex: Oooh! / T-Rex: That one was pretty good! Can I use it? / Utahraptor: T-Rex, this is a RAP BATTLE. You're supposed to come at me with some sick rhymes of your own! You're not supposed to compliment me on my rhymes and then ask to borrow them. / T-Rex: "Rap battles make it sound like there's only one winner / A rap friendship's much easier when you're a rap beginner!" / Utahraptor: ... Okay, that was kinda adorable. / T-Rex: Yayyyyy
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1981
this comic inspired by actual justin bieber rubber bands i saw, and also by a moment seconds later in which i did manage to improve on reality, simply by closing my eyes. T-Rex: I can totally make up some inventions. Rubber bands shaped like Justin Bieber! DONE. / T-Rex: Oh snap, here come the profits! / Later: / T-Rex: Now I've invented rubber bands shaped like women and hunks. Is that a solid gold car that I've just won? FROME LIFE?? / Dromiceiomimus: These inventions don't seem to actually better anyone, T-Rex, OR our society. They're just ? rubber bands? / T-Rex: Yes, I suppose they are just rubber bands... SHAPED LIKE CELEBS AND SEXY ICONOGRAPHY!! / T-Rex: I will never be poor again / Later: / Utahraptor: Still big on rubber bands? / T-Rex: Yep! / Utahraptor: So I'm confused ? you seem to be inventing these by merely describing them out loud, and then you seem to have profits instantly. Where are these profits coming from? / T-Rex: The rubber bands! / Utahraptor: But who's making them? / T-Rex: ...WHOEVER WANTS TO AS LONG AS THEY PAY ME MONEY?? / [[End of fantasy]] / T-Rex: Oh wait that was all a fantasy and this is back in reality, where I spend most of my time. Good ol' reality! / T-Rex: Yep! / T-Rex: Can't improve on that just by closing your eyes!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1982
so tired of dropping anvils on my toes, need a plan in place at least for novel cusses in this situation T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for replacing all my "oh crap"s, "oh dang"s and "oh snapadoodle"s with something infinitely more charming. From now on when I drop an anvil on my toe, this will be me: / T-Rex: Oh, brother!! / T-Rex: Isn't it great, Dromiceiomimus? / Dromiceiomimus: I just realized: I was living my life under the assumption that nobody had said "Oh brother!" since the fifties. / T-Rex: Well that is INCORRECT, as I said it this morning when I dropped my toast on the ground. "Oh brother," I said, "what's next??" It was amazing / Utahraptor: I can see this getting old fast, T-Rex! / T-Rex: A complaint from Utahraptor? Oh, brother!! / Utahraptor: Hah, okay, that was pretty good. But work it into your regular rotation of minced oaths, pseudo-profanities and cusses! Don't just replace everything wholesale. Tomorrow I'm sure there'll be some new phrase you'll be enamoured with. / T-Rex: Utahraptor that is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE. / Narrator: 15 MINUTES LATER: / T-Rex: Fifteen dollars for a glass of pop?! What the ham and eggs? Hah hah hah! I'll never say any other words again: I'm 100% serious
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1983
 
#1 fan of okay times over here T-Rex: The word "awesome" has been said an awesome amount of times, and sometimes I worry that has diluted its meaning. Luckily, the solution is obvious: / T-Rex: Awesome inflation! / T-Rex: With awesome inflation, we acknowledge that "awesome" is now used to refer to merely above-average things, so "let the okay times roll" can now be expressed as "let the awesome times roll". / Dromiceiomimus: But I love okay times! / T-Rex: You'll love them even more now that they're awesome times! / Utahraptor: And what of actually awesome things? / T-Rex: As usual, adjectives solve all our problems! / T-Rex: Perhaps you'll enjoy "head-meltingly awesome", "headband-tighteningly awesome", or "antimatter explosion awesometastic"? And if that fails, portmanteaus like "collosawesome" and "awesatisfactory" should scratch the itch! / Utahraptor: "Awesatisfactory"... doesn't sound so head-meltingly awesome? / T-Rex: We've moved on to awesome deflation, my friend! / T-Rex: ...It's awesomoderately okay.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1984
Now there's no need to buy a song ever again! T-Rex : Why listen to a song more than once? Once you have it memorized you can just replay it in your head whenever you want! / T-Rex : There! / T-Rex : Now there's no reason to buy a song ever again! / Dromiceiomimus : But do you have a memory that allows perfect recall of something after only one exposure? / T-Rex : P- Possibly? / Dromiceiomimus : Is the memory of a sound as rich as the sound itself? / T-Rex : Who can say? / Dromiceiomimus : And isn't the experience of sharing music one of it's pleasures? / T-Rex : MAYBE IN SOME CIRCUMSTANCES?? / T-Rex : But it's not a problem! Everybody! Play the Simpsons theme in your head and begin dancing... NOW. / Utharaptor : On it! / [[Scene description]] : Blank box / [[Scene description]] : In T-Rex's thoughts : / T-Rex : This is the part where Bart writes on the chalkboard
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1985
pretty god-centric lyrics to jams back then, they were all "this jam is amplified (by church bells), so just glide and let your backbone slide (into church)" T-Rex: What's the one song that most people will hear the most often in their lives? The Probable Worldwide Most Listened To Record Holder? I'll give you a hint: it was composed like 200 years ago! / T-Rex: And we still listen to it super often today, Dromiceiomimus! / Dromiceiomimus: Hmm... That eliminates Deee-Lite's "Groove Is In The Heart", since they weren't invented like 200 years ago. / T-Rex: Yep, though that is a good song, as well as instructional as to the whereabouts of the groove. No, it's the Westminster Chimes - the tune you hear on basically every clock that tolls the hour! If you own one or live within earshot of one, you hear it every 15 minutes and the full version each hour! / Utahraptor: That's not a real song though! / T-Rex: Utahraptor, that's SONG RACISM! It is too a real song. / T-Rex: And I'm sorry there's no ELECTRIC GUITARS in it, but when it was composed everyone was dealing with them not being invented yet. "Let's just use church bells," they said. "They weigh literal tons. That's the max bad-ass we can be in this era." ALSO: it has lyrics. / Utahraptor: Really? What are they? / T-Rex: "Oh, Lord our God / Be thou our guide / That by thy help / No foot may slide." / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: It's basically the worst instructional dance ever
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1986
the first two panels double as ten different ways to meet a new friend-with-benefits, as well as ten different places to dump your existing one. mining! you can break up with people under the ground! Narrator: TEN DIFFERENT WAYS TO MEET A NEW GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND / T-Rex: On the bus, in a store, surfing, skydiving, at a party, before a party, on the web, on the internet, or while... / T-Rex: mining! You can meet people under the ground! / Dromiceiomimus: That list isn't that helpful, T-Rex! Finding a new sweetie is more than actually meeting them: you have to talk to them, discover shared interests and interesting differences, explore your compatibility, and so on! / T-Rex: I believe you CAN technically do that in all the places I mentioned! / Utahraptor: Okay, maybe you have some tips on striking up a conversation / T-Rex: Sure! / T-Rex: Open with "Hey there. Want to know more about ME?" and if they say no say "Hah hah, no, seriously" and if they say no say "Okay whatever, you go first and talk about yourself and I'll listen. But you owe me!" / Utahraptor: ... / T-Rex: If you do that you can think "Sweet, when they're done then I get to talk!" / T-Rex: In other news! / T-Rex: I am currently single, but I'm certain it's not because of my opinions
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1987
kinda wish i called this whole comic series "later, t-rex meets a real wizard"; today's panel six would've been a Really Big Deal T-Rex: Alright everyone, wizards use magic words to cast spells, right? This is like the main thing that wizards do. Here's a hot tip: / T-Rex: NEVER SLEEP WITH A WIZARD. / T-Rex: I'm not even talking about the sex thing, which might be great! I don't know! I've never sexed up a wizard! / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex it sounded like you were going to give us some advice, but instead you segued into confessions about your personal sexual history. / T-Rex: Man! / T-Rex: That happens ALL THE TIME / T-Rex: Anyway, my point is: people sometimes talk in their sleep! / Utahraptor: And wizards cast spells orally! / T-Rex: EXACTLY. Wizards change the world with their words, and some people talk in their sleep without even realizing it. Why take the chance? You could wake up turned into a couch or something, and would that be awesome? No, it wouldn't. People would put their butts on you. Gross. / Narrator: LATER, T-REX MEETS A REAL WIZARD: / T-Rex: The fact that you exist in real life means that I TOTALLY wasn't wasting my time today talking about the issues involved in sleeping with you!! May I just say: / T-Rex: Yessssss
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1988
 
fun fact: "just watch me for the changes and try to keep up" was what trudeau was going to say in full when he said "just watch me" and that's not even plausible what am i even doing here Narrator: COMICS FOR UNPOPULAR DEMOCRAPHICS / Narrator: today's democgaphic: / Narrator: RACISTS / T-Rex: ?Seriously? Seriously?? / T-Rex: Okay! Racists! How about? um, those who are different than you? / T-Rex: You don't like people who are different, huh? How's that working out for you? / Dromiceiomemus: You're doing this? / T-Rex: YES, I'm doing this. I am going to do something meant for RACISTS. / Utahraptor: I really don't see how we're gonna pull this off! / T-Rex: Just watch me for the changes and try to keep up! / T-Rex: Hey racists! Do you like Husky dogs? They were bred by people we called Eskimos, which we then shortened to "'Esky" because we were racist, and then we called the dogs that too. And then that got corrupted into "husky"! / Utahraptor: That's pretty good, huh? For you and your racisms? / Narrator: COMICS FOR UNPOPULAR DEMOCRAPHICS / Narrator: today's democgaphic: / Narrator: SMELLY PEOPLE / T-Rex: Oh thank god, you guys are a breath of fresh air after the racists. / T-Rex: Haha, whoops! / T-Rex: No offence intended, smelly people!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1989
there's a former mayor of toronto who said "nooooooo-body!" in his commercials for his furniture store, anyway one time his legal consul threatened to sue me because they did a search for "noooooo-body!" and my site came up first. yay? T-Rex: If somehow - SOMEHOW - I die, then I would like to be cremated, please! / T-Rex: And then I would like my carbon remains to be crushed into diamonds, please! / T-Rex: And then I would like some of the remaining carbon to be made into pencils and the pencils be given to my pals for them to draw with, and then a year after I die I would like for there to be an art show of all the awesome T-Rex pencil pictures, please! / T-Rex: Also, I would like there to be explicit instructions for my pals not to chew on the pencils because that's kinda super gross, please! / Utahraptor: What do we use the diamonds for? / T-Rex: Um, a little thing called FASHION?? / T-Rex: Or for an industrial drill bit. Whatever; THE POINT IS, whenever you look at it you can thing, "My pal's body made that. Huh! I remember him now!" / Utahraptor: "I wonder how much cash I can get for it. Maybe I'll write down my guess with this pencil, also made from his body." / T-Rex: Nooooooooooo / T-Rex: -body will pay much for an artificial diamond but nice try
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1990
SOMETIMES I DECIDE ON VEGGIE PIZZAS BECAUSE I LIKE TO MIX IT UP AND GET KRA-ZEE T-Rex: A lot of folks wonder what the future will be like! This is dumb of them because if they asked me I just could tell them. / God: T-REX WHAT WILL THE FUTURE BE LIKE / T-Rex: Finally! I'M REALLY GLAD YOU ASKED. / T-Rex: In the future, computers will do a lot of things for us, and maybe they'll be robots, unless we mess up and then it's all horses and swords. Maybe mutants? Weird! It's really hard to say. / God: T-REX THAT WAS THE WORST VISION OF THE FUTURE I HAVE EVER HEARD / T-Rex: Well, that's just YOUR opin- / God: AND I HAVE OBSERVED EVERYTHING THAT EVER HAPPENED IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE / T-Rex: Wait a minute! EVERYTHING? / Utahraptor: Everything? / T-Rex: If God's seen EVERYTHING in the entire universe, then he can say what's going to happen next! He knows where everything is and where they're moving! / Utahraptor: That assumes a completely deterministic universe. What about free will? / T-Rex: hmm, yes. What ABOUT free will, God? / God: HOLD ON ENGLISH ISN'T MY FIRST LANGUAGE WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY FREE WILL / T-Rex: Like how we decide what toppings to put on our pizza? / God: OH HAH HAH THAT'S ALL ME / God: WHAT CAN I SAY / God: "I LOVE PEPPERONI"
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1991
RYAN LET'S ASSUME THAT YOU BLEND FICTION AND REALITY ONLY ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS God: T-REX LET'S ASSUME THAT YOU HAVE A BROTHER NAMED VICTOR / T-Rex: Sweet! / God: WHO IS AN AWESOME DUDE / T-Rex: Double ULTRA sweet!! / God: AND WHO IS HETEROSEXUAL AND MONOGAMOUS / T-Rex: Sure! Whatever floats your boat, Victor! / God: AND WHO IS GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW TO A WONDERFUL WOMAN NAMED SONJA AND T-REX YOU ARE THE BEST MAN / T-Rex: WHAAAAAAT / T-Rex: Quick, Utahraptor! You need to help me write speech!! / Utahraptor: You mean "write A speech"? / T-Rex: Man! See? I NEED ALL THE HELP I CAN GET. I'm in over my head! I need a speech AND I need to pull a bachelor party together on the double!! / Utahraptor: I don't understa- / T-Rex: CALL ALL THE BACHELORS WE KNOW / God: NOW LET'S ASSUME THE WEDDING STARTS IN 30 MINUTES AND YOU'RE LOST IN A FOREST KILOMETERS AWAY / T-Rex: I use moss on trees to- wait, why are we playing this game? / God: OH NO NOW YOU FELL INTO A MUD PUDDLE AND TORE YOUR PANTS / T-Rex: It's so stressful
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1992
if you chose seventeen between panels one and two, congratulations, but ask yourself this: why do you respond to "dromiceiomimus"? T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, pick a number between one and a hundred thousand million! / Dromiceiomimus: Seventeen? / T-Rex: *gasp* / T-Rex: That's - that's the number I was thinking of!! / Dromiceiomimus: Great! Do I win something? / T-Rex: What?! You just came out ahead on a one in a hundred thousand million chance, and you want a PRIZE? Isn't it enough to spit in the face of PROBABILITY HERSELF?? / Utahraptor: It's not THAT unlikely that she'd choose your number! / T-Rex: Says you, Mr. I Wish I Chose That Sweet Number! / Utahraptor: No, I'm just saying that we're actually pretty bad at random number generation and if you ask folks to pick a number in a range, some choices will show up more often than others. It's not THAT unlikely you'd both land on the same number! / T-Rex: But *I* didn't choose seventeen randomly! It's.... / T-Rex: - it's the number of times I have thought about ice cream today, I'm not even gonna lie
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1993
 

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