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old-timey stereotypes confirmed: crazy food, old-world decadance, a strange idea of what's fancy, and everything is trying to kill you T-Rex: So it's the June 21, 1931 and Lieutenant Hubert G. Chevis is about to dine on a meal of Manchurian partridge with his wife! / T-Rex: Apparently it is Old-Timey Stereotype Day for Lieutenant Hubert Chevis! / T-Rex: So Hubert takes a few bites and says "This is gross; try it, it's gross" and his wife licks it and says "Yeah, gross" and so they direct their culinary staff incinerate the partridges. / T-Rex: Because it's Old-Timey Stereotype Day, remember? / T-Rex: And within hours Hubert is dead of strychnine poisoning and his wife is super sick! / T-Rex: Three days later, Hubert's dad gets a telegram that reads simply "HOORAY HOORAY HOORAY". / Utahraptor: So Creepy! / T-Rex: Isn't it? It was signed "J-HARTIGAN", but nobody around had that name. Someone with his description HAD bought strychnine from a pharmacy a few weeks back though. / Utahraptor: Pharmacies sold... poison? / T-Rex: Old-Timey Stereotype Day was apparently a month-long event! / T-Rex: But the spookiest part? The killer is almost certainly dead now, and that means that according to SOME theories of the afterlife, he's now a ghost committing ILLEGAL GHOST CRIMES!! / T-Rex: Wait no that's the dumbest part; frig I get those two confused like ALL THE TIME
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1904
utahraptor: my day just got filled up T-Rex: Today is the day that I apologize to my girlfriends. To my first few girlfriends, anyway! / T-Rex: Pretty sure I wasn't that great a boyfriend, ladies!! / In my defense: I was new, I didn't know what I was doing, and I'd seen a lot of movies. / Dromiceiomimus: Ouch. / T-Rex: I know!! Whoever writes movies has clearly never been in a relationship before! / Dromiceiomimus: Movies... are actually written by many people? / T-Rex: Well, someone needs to get them ALL into mature, adult relationships then! Like, yesterday! / Utahraptor: What'd you do that was so bad? / T-Rex: So much, Utahraptor! / T-Rex: I thought dramatic displays were preferable to genuine feelings; I believed stalkery behaviour was cool when it's from the person you're destined to be with. I - I woke up this morning with the regrets. / Utahraptor: Well, you're older and wiser now. / T-Rex: Yeah, but I wasn't then!! / T-Rex: There's like four girlfriends trapped in the past with a sucky boyfriend. we've got to go back and help them, colon close-bracket! / T-Rex: And FYI, I'm experimenting with emoticons in oral media, not with naming parts of my digestive tract. / T-Rex: ...That's a good idea too though
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1905
"help i'm in nigeria and got robbed and shortly afterwards discovered 15 million dollars in unclaimed funds i definitely need to steal; you guys, it has been an interesting day" T-Rex: Okay, so there's those scam messages where someone has millions of illegal dollars, and they need your help to get them out of the country, and in return they'll give you a generous percentage! / T-Rex: But they need some money upfront, right? / T-Rex: And then you send them that money because you want all that illegal money, but none ever arrives because it's fake. Whoopsie! / T-Rex: The fact that this scam continues to work kinda paints a pretty irrefutably dim picture of our basic nature! Appeal to greed and you'll always have takers, regardless of right and wrong. Go us? / Utahraptor: It's not all that bad, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Prove me wrong! / Utahraptor: Easy! / Utahraptor: What about the scam where someone hacks someone's email to send "Help I'm overseas and got robbed and need flight home money, wire it please" messages? There we're motivated only by altruism! / T-Rex: Hooray, the two scams cancel each other out! / Instead of evil, we're just neutral! Chaotic neutral! / Devil: DO YOU REALIZE THAT IS A DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS REFERENCE YOU JUST MADE / T-Rex: Um - / Devil: GARY GYGAX PIONEERED THAT ALIGNMENT SYSTE / Devil: T-REX / Devil: NEVE HAVE YOUR USELESS COMPLAINTS ABOUT BASIC NATURE BLISSED ME OUT SO MUCH
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1906
kinda a sequel to my abstruse comic of march 31st, 2003, a mere 2 months into this dinosaur comics jazzamohol T-Rex: God, do you like poutine? / God: MAN DOES P EQUAL NP / T-Rex: ...Um. Maybe? / T-Rex: It's kinda the greatest unsolved problem in computer science! / T-Rex: If P equals NP then a whole class of problems are easily solvable! But we've been trying to efficiently solve these problems for years, and so far: NO DICE. But if P doesn't equal NP, why haven't we been able to prove it? / T-Rex: So are you saying "Probably I hate poutine, but it's really hard to prove"? Or - or are you more saying "If I like poutine, then all public-key crypto is insecure"? / Utahraptor: So who likes poutine? / T-Rex: God! POSSIBLY. And the problem is, um, equivalent to the P=NP problem. / Utahraptor: Ah. So the Clay Mathematics Institute has a $1,000,000 prize for the first correct solution to the question "Does God like poutine?" / T-Rex: Yes. As the two problems are equivalent, this is no the world we live in. "Does God like poutine" is the most important open question in computer science today. / T-Rex: Doctor Professor Stephen Cook first pondered whether God likes poutine in 1971; his seminal paper on the subject has made him one of the forefathers of computational complexity theory / God poutine. / T-Rex: ...Actually that's awesome; I'm glad we live in this wicked sweet world!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1907
tomorrow's comic, which you won't see, is just t-rex saying "I AM TRIPPING BALLS" in sparkle-vision in every panel. enjoy! T-Rex: I have been investigating the ENGLISH LANGUAGE ITSELF, and it turns out it is horses all the way down. Quick, God, give me a word! / God: FRONTRUNNER / T-Rex: A metaphor from horse racing! That was too easy! / God: WHAT ABOUT THE WORD HACK / T-Rex: Ah, an untalented person! It originally meant "someone doing ordinary work", which itself came from the 13th century "hackney", which was, YOU GUESSED IT, an ordinary horse. / Dromiceiomimus: "Tacky"? / T-Rex: It comes from the noun "tackey", which meant a sucky horse! And may I just say: it's SO GREAT that you guys are picking the horse words I know here. / Utahraptor: What about "hobby"? / T-Rex: Originally it meant "a small horse"! / T-Rex: And it's from toy "hobby" horses that we got the modern sense of "something fun you do in your spare time". / Utahraptor: T-Rex, you've learnt a lot of horse origins, but I feel the time has come to completely and irrevoc-ably blow your mind. If you'll allow me...? / T-Rex: Please! / Utahraptor: A British military officer's servant was called this, which originally meant "a man in charge of a horse and its load". / T-Rex: "Dr. Horseload"? / Utahraptor: The word, my friend, is "batman". THE WORD "BATMAN" ITSELF COMES FROM HORSES. / T-Rex: WHATTT
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1908
 
read properly, this comic may last you the rest of your life. YOU'RE WELCOME. Narrator: YOUR LIFE WILL DEFINITELY BE BETTER FOR READING THIS / Narrator: a choose-your-own-adventure comic / T-Rex: It's a beautiful day! If it is not a beautiful day, wait til tomorrow and then read this panel again. If it's now a beautiful day, turn to panel 2! / T-Rex: It is definitely a beautiful day! Hooray!! / T-Rex: Panel 3 time, baby! / T-Rex: Alright. Today you're going to solve all the problems; you're going to make all the good decisions. Your life is going to improve, and it's going to be GREAT. You're going to be perfect FOREVER. / T-Rex: Okay when you've done that turn to panel 4! / T-Rex: You've changed your life significantly! Man, way to go! / Utahraptor: We'll always remember today! / T-Rex & Utahraptor: Panel 5 time! / T-Rex: Wait a minute. WAIT JUST A MINUTE. If you're just reading ahead to get to the good ending, then you are cheating and need to go to back to panel 3, but this time replace "going to" with "(as punish-ment) not going to". / Utahraptor: If you've done that already and ended up here again: I hope you have learnt your lesson. / T-Rex: This is panel six, and you only get here by cheating too! NONE OF THE OTHER PANELS TOLD YOU TO GET HERE. Lucky for you, this is the ultra great ending! / T-Rex: You're sexy and other people like you! / T-Rex: Thanks for going on this amazing adventure!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1909
that's right, t-rex is imagining "later". he is a dude who fast-forwards through the boring parts of his own fantasy life, and i don't see a single thing wrong with that. T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, we're going to do something really nice for Utahraptor. It'll bring you and I closer together because we'll have a project, and it'll make him like us more too! And I've got the GREATEST PRESENT IDEA EVER IN TIME. / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: There! Utahraptor's SOLID GOLD CAR is complete! / T-Rex: And even though it's made of solid gold, the engine still works! That's possible, right? / Dromiceiomimus: I think it might be impossible actually; gold's really soft, right? And a combustion engine is a series of explosions. / T-Rex: But it's still metal, maybe if we had enough of gold it would be strong enough... / Dromiceiomimus: ...Does it work that way? / Utahraptor: Hi T-Rex! What's up? / T-Rex: Utahraptor, does it count if a dude has REALLY GOOD INTENT-IONS? / T-Rex: But then he never follows through, because things are confusing? / Utahraptor: A little, I guess! If we're ranking dudes, dude with good intentions IS higher than dude without any intentions. / T-Rex: Sweet large! / Utahraptor: Right. But they're both beneath dude with even un-intentional followthrough. / God: T-REX ASK HIM WHERE THE DUDE WHO CAN HAVE THREE PANELS OF FANTASY IN THE SPACE OF A SINGLE SENTENCE RATES / T-Rex: What's a "panel"? / God: LISTEN / God: I DON'T KNOW AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1910
i call this story, "Holey Smokes, Those Fries Looked AMAZING". T-Rex: I am going to tell you a story, and it stars an old man whose name I don't know. He went into a diner, ordered some fries with gravy from the only person working there, paid for them, and sat down! Soon she brought the fries and gravy to his table! / T-Rex: This story gets better soon, I promise! / T-Rex: So the fries are there, drenched in gravy, and this guy has to be at least 85 years old. He looks around his table and it hasn't been set properly, so there's no utensils, no napkins. He starts eating with his hands and despite his best efforts, the gravy's getting everywhere. His hands are soaked in it. It's running down his wrists, and that's got to feel gross. / Utahraptor: Then what happens? / T-Rex: Well, he finishes his meal! / T-Rex: And he walks up to the cashier and shows her his hands, saying things like "look at me" and "this was a horrible thing to do". She says "Oh my God, if I'd know I'd have brought you a fork" and he says "it's too late now" and leaves the restaurant. / Utahraptor: And then? / T-Rex: That's the end of the story, Utahraptor! / T-Rex: I call this story, "Good Lord, I Hope I Never Get Old". / T-Rex: :(
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1911
this is a future particle, but the future hasn't been written for it yet. God: T-REX DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE MOST POPULAR WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE / T-Rex: Sure do!! / God: IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER / God: THE OF A TO AND IS IN / T-Rex: That, my friend, is a colossally disappointing list! / T-Rex: We need to start talking about more interesting things! Screw that: we need to start DOING more interesting things. Imagine a world where the most popular word is "explosiontastic", because the most popular things ARE explosiontastic! Now, think of a reason why you wouldn't want to live in that world. / T-Rex: OH SNAP. / T-Rex: I CAN'T THINK OF A REASON AGAINST LIVING THERE EITHER. / Utahraptor: The most popular words are mostly particles though! "To", "the", those sorts of things. / T-Rex: Sure! / T-Rex: But they're BORING particles. Heck, I just made it up, so maybe "explosiontastic" is a particle too! "I went to THE mall" makes me sleepy. "I went to EXPLOSIONTASTIC mall" makes me want to tag along! Let's see what happens, you know? Maybe explos-ions? / T-Rex: Maybe explos-ions will happen? / T-Rex: Maybe I spend so much time thinking about language that it damages my friendships with others??
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1912
i hereby allow anyone to write books using these titles but only if the books are extremely awesome; these are my terms and they are immutable T-Rex: I've written the best book ever for reals this time, and I know this for certain because it's got a title NOBODY can resist. / Narrator: HOW TO BUILD A TIME MACHING even if you're a TEEN / T-Rex: It's not actually about building a time machine, though, even if you're teens. It's a collection of original short fiction where all the stories have this same dog that keeps showing up in the background! That title tested better with teens is all. / Dromiceiomimus: So what were you going to call it originally? / Narrator: let me be the first to say sheeeeeeeesh what is that dog's DEAL / Narrator: a super excellent purchase! / Utahraptor: Aw, I like how you were gonna put me on the cover! / T-Rex: Yeah, I figured maybe pals are in this season? But if both those covers fail I've got Fallback Plan Omega, which involves 100% GUARANTEED sales. / Narrator: What If Everybody Else Was Faking Happiness Too? It Would Be Impossible To Tell. / Narrator: Wait, no, that's super depressing. Listen, does ANYONE know how to delete words on a computer where the backspace key is FRIGGIN' BROKEN??
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1913
 
this comic is for joey comeau of a softer world dot com, good friend, friend who often suggests days being taken off, but ALSO, friend who always wants mcdonalds for lunch :( T-Rex: Any creative work is a collaboration between the capital-a Author and Reader. All are dead and lifeless until they're experienced and interpreted by someone! / T-Rex: That someone is me, baby! / T-Rex: And if I'm an adult and I re-read a book I loved as a child, I'll get different things out of it when I read it again as an old man. Even if I'm the author of the text, my reactions to it will be different! I know this because I remember my high school essays were AMAZING, but when I read them now, SOMEHOW, they're pages and pages of ultimate embarrassment. / Utahraptor: Shakespeare needs tons of notes to be readable today! / T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: So we agree that even with an identical text, the meaning of a work is constructed by the Reader, and that meaning changes with time as the readers themselves change. And this applies to books, movies, games, paintings: anything creative! / Utahraptor: Sure. We are agreed! So what's your point? / T-Rex: My point? Utahraptor, if we wait till we're old to experience all the creative works we want to, we're doomed. We simply won't get the same enjoyment than we'd get now! Put simply, Utahraptor, my point is this: / T-Rex: Wanna take the day off and play video games?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1914
okay how does one level up to "100% super homosexual" because i am trying EVERYTHING over here T-Rex: In French, each noun is either a boy or a girl, which means you've got a 50% chance of making a mistake that does not impact the ACTUAL meaning of your sentence, but which still makes you wrong. This is how French says "screw you" to every student of the language. / T-Rex: That's right! I've finally confirmed what we've all suspected! / T-Rex: And French isn't the only dick here: most Indo-European languages have gendered nouns too. We don't have infinite space in our brains, and speakers of these languages are forced to use up precious neurons remembering whether the moon - THE MOON, ladies and gentlemen - is a boy or a girl. SPOILER ALERT: it's a dude to the Polish and a chick to the French. Woo hoo. Hey, hope you didn't need to remember where you put your keys! / Utahraptor: Did someone just fail a French test? / T-Rex: If you're asking if I failed to care about imaginary moon sex organs, then YES. / T-Rex: Man, why don't we give everything a sexual orientation too while we're at it? From now on, the moon is gay! The Earth is heteroflexible, and the moon: 100% SUPER HOMOSEXUAL. / Utahraptor: So it's a lesbian to the French and a gay dude to the Polish? / T-Rex: YES. THIS IS WHAT WILL MAKE SENSE TO THEM / T-Rex: Attention, world! This started out as sarcasm but now I'm honestly 100% behind the idea of a gay French moon! / T-Rex: To be honest, I HAVE ALWAYS HAD MY SUSPICIONS.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1915
genders to upside nouns, OR, utahraptor's table has seen some Things Narrator: UPSIDES TO GENDERED NOUNS / T-Rex: There are probably some, right? Right? / T-Rex: There are probably some is my working theory. / Narrator: SEX IS ALL AROUND YOU! / T-Rex: But not in a sexy way! In the imaginary, NON-sexy way. / Narrator: LANGUAGE ISN'T JUST ABOUT COMMUNICATING EFFICIENTLY, AND GENDERED NOUNS CAN ADD COLOUR AND DEPTH TO THE WORLD. / T-Rex: Maybe if you're writing poetry, you could write a poem with only female nouns and then one with only male nouns, and that could be something, right? That could be something. / T-Rex: I can imagine that one day there could be a person who would read that. / Narrator: GENDERED NOUNS ANTHROPOMORPHIZE. / T-Rex: This one I'm actually in favour of! / Utahraptor: I know, right? / Utahraptor: It's like you never grew up, and somehow everything around you still has this secret little life. Of COURSE my table is a woman! That's what she identifies as whenever I'm not home and all my furniture comes alive. / T-Rex: Adorable!! And night-marish if it ever actually happens! / T-Rex: If that ever actually happns I will be flipping the heck out!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1916
APPARENTLY the longer i go without eating chicken wings, the more characters discuss how delicious they are in my writing God: T-REX IT'S TIME TO SET YOU STRAIGHT ABOUT HOW GENDERED NOUNS ARE GOOD / T-Rex: I think it's not! I think it's time for us to eat ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT CHICKEN WINGS. / God: YOU KNOW WHAT / God: OKAY / Narrator: Later: / T-Rex: I cleaned the chicken sauce off my face really well! / T-Rex: And while doing so I totally looked into gendered nouns! IT TURNS OUT, if you ask people who know oth English and German to list the first three adjectives that come to mind when they read the English word "bridge", they'll say things like "beautiful", "slender" and "fragile", and when you ask English/Spanish speakers, they'll come up with words like "big", "strong", and "dangerous". And GUESS WHAT? / Utahraptor: Bridges are women in German and men in Spanish! / T-Rex: Exactly!! Isn't that insane?? / T-Rex: The imaginary genders we assign to words colour our perception of them, apparently overloading them with all SORTS of sublimated sexual stereo-types! "Dangerous"? "Fragile"? Are all German women ready at any moment to shatter into a gorgeous explosion of beauty? Are Spanish men all action heroes with nothing left to lose?? / T-Rex: And if so, where do I meet them, because it sounds like they might be fun to pal around with? / God: T-REX IT
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1917
you can pass attractive people a copy of the book, and raise an eyebrow suggestively T-Rex: I am T-Rex... / T-Rex: ... and this is my creation myth! / T-Rex: Once upon a time there were a bunch of dudes but none of them were me, T-Rex. Then one guy who was really great said "I will create a dude who is even greater than I am" and everyone else said "No way, that'd be awesome" and he said "Should I do it? I'm gonna do it. ...Should I do it?" and then he did and the result was me, T-Rex! / Utahraptor: You Finally came up with your personal creation myth, huh? / T-Rex: Sure did! / Utahraptor: It's not bad, except for the fact that the story is really about the other guy who made you. He sounds neat! You keep stressing you're more awesome, but I'm still big into knowing what this other guy's deal was. / T-Rex: He's nobody! I'm better! It says so right in the title: / T-Rex: "How T-Rex, The Best Guy Ever, Got Invented; Also He's Handsom"! / T-Rex: Subtitled "Are You Doing Anything Tonight? Me, Oh, I'm Just Writing Fanfiction About Myself So, Um, I'm Pretty Much Free" / T-Rex: *sigh*
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1918
 
T-Rex: Lucid dreams are dreams where you know you're dreaming! They can be dreams in which you have more control, where you can sometimes even consciously decide what happens next! / T-Rex: They sound like MAYBE the most entertaining dreams ever? / T-Rex: And this is why I have abandoned my research into holodecks and am going to spend all my time working on lucid dreaming instead. / Dromiceiomimus: You were working on holodecks? / T-Rex: Well, I drew up a picture where there's an arrow pointing to a room, and then it says 'holodeck' on the arrow, so - yes? / Utahraptor: Research? That is ARTS and/or CRAFTS. / T-Rex: Hello?! Obviously I found a way to combing all three! / Utahraptor: If you're serious about this, T-Rex, then listen very closely: I need you to start checking your watch twice. It's nothing when you're awake, but in dreams, the numbers will usually be wildly different the second time. It only works with digital watches, but it may be the ONLY clue that you're dreaming. Remember, T-Rex! CHECK YOU WATCH TWI- / T-Rex: I just had the craziest dream! It was about...watches? Anyway, I guess it wasn't important. / T-Rex: Hah hah / T-Rex: Dreams are crazy
if i call this comic "how to ultimate sexy" will it be blocked by your work internet filter? ONE WAY TO (POSSIBLY) FIND OUT T-Rex: With the right clothes, you can dress up fancy; you can look both super attractive AND ultimate sexy. / T-Rex: Hello? Why aren't we wearing these clothes all the time?? / Dromiceiomimus: For one, they're expensive! And even if you get a deal, clothes that work perfectly on you are more rare than clothes that look just kinda okay, and there's only so many hours in a day to look at and think about clothes. / T-Rex: I supp- / Dromiceiomimus: Also, some clothes that make you look awesome are uncomfortable, so you wouldn't want to wear them all the time! / Utahraptor: Plus, if we dressed up fancy all the time, what would we do for special occasions? / T-Rex: Fancy moust- / Utahraptor: And finally, this whole discussion is ridiculous because some folks DO dress up fancy all the time. You know what we call them? WELL-DRESSED. / T-Rex: I call them "hey there hot st- / Utahraptor: And variety is important too: well-dressed folks are helped by the casual dress standard. / T-Rex (thoughts): Frig, my friends spoke the whole time! They talked all over me and didn't let me speak at all! / T-Rex (thoughts): Huh! / T-Rex (thoughts): So THAT'S what that feels like
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1920
the minusoneth law of thermodynamics: i dunno, "heat is not imaginary and it I guess it has effects or whatever"? T-Rex: ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooossssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssoss! Gross. / Narrator: T-REX HAS JUST FOUND SOME ROTTEN FOOD IN HIS FRIDGE COMICS / T-Rex: Gross! / T-Rex: As I'm attempting to convey, Dromiceiomimus, it was awfully gross! Why can't food get more delicious as it gets older? Why does everything have to turn to a brown mush whenever I forget about it? / Dromiceiomimus: Because of the second law of thermodynamics? / T-Rex: There isn't first, second, third OR zeroth law of thermodynamics that I haven't broken! / Utahraptor: I find that literally impossible to believe! / T-Rex: My friend: allow me to prove it to you! / Narrator: LATER: / Utahraptor: T-Rex, you've proven nothing. All we've done is tour around the places you used to hang out as a kid. / T-Rex: I'm sorry for the deception, but my tour sounds way boring before you actually go on it! / Utahraptor: It WAS a great way to get to know you better! / Narrator: T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR REMAINED GOOD FRIENDS / Narrator: T-REX'S FRIDGE GOT GROSSER AND EVENTUALLY HE THREW IT OUT AND BOUGHT A NEW ONE / Narrator: IT WAS A TERRIBLE THING TO DO / Narrator: THE END
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1921
but what if you trip... YOURSELF T-Rex: Okay, NEW RULE: if you do something knowing it's a dick move, but that you'll EVENTUALLY be forgiven by the person you're being a jerk to, then you have voluntarily given up your chance at forgiveness! / T-Rex: Yes it is definitely a great idea to live by harsh and unbending rulesets! / T-Rez: And THIS rule fixes the thing where folks expect forgiveness, so they act like it's guaranteed. Because even if you trip me on purpose, knowing that I'm not gonna hold it against you for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, that doesn't mean you should do it anyway! / Dromiceiomimus: Have you - been tripped lately, T-Rex? / T-Rex: No, but if it happens I've already got my opinions totes prepared! / Utahraptor: So then don't forgive people you don't trust! / T-Rex: That's jerky too! / T-Rex: I want to be able to forgive a complete stranger, but I don't want to be taken advantage of either. / Utahraptor: Well, there's always the risk you'll forgive someone who doesn't deserve it. Your new rule only works if you can read people's minds. / T-Rex: Hey! I bet GOD could give me that abili- / God: LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE T-REX AND TELL YOU THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW BORING OTHER PEOPLE'S SEX FANTASIES ARE / T-Rex: So you're not gonna let me read minds? / God: WAIT IS THAT WHAT YOU WERE GONNA ASK / God: WHOAH / God: I WAS JUST STARTING A CONVERSATION
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1922
alternate boat name: the SS But We Mustn't T-Rex: Check out my new alternate history story: it's the 1920s, and flappers are super sexy, obvs! But then the great depression happens and their ready-to-party-on-a-boat personalities and hedonistic YET SEXY lifestyles could not survive. / T-Rex: I'm kidding! We double checked and it turns out THE GREAT DEPRESSION NEVER HAPPENED. / T-Rex: And clearly nothing else ever stops the flappers either! So there's themed flappers for each decade afterwards, even buttoned-down fifties flappers in cat's-meow housework dresses. And modern day flappers are like regular well-dressed ladies, only instead of saying "that's ridiculous!" they say "aw, applesauce!" ALL THE TIME. / Dromiceiomimus: And then you go on a date with one? / T-Rex: Wh- How did you know? / Utahraptor: This isn't alternate history, T-Rex! This is alternate history EROTICA. / T-Rex: Whoah, whoah! / T-Rex: You don't know it's explicit! Maybe it's alternate history ROMANCE, and I'm a dark and brooding doctor and she's Nurse Flapper of the S. S. Bedroom Surrender, where the seas AND the bosoms heave alike?? / Utahraptor: First, you are dating a mammal which is concerning and second, SERIOUS authors don't use themselves as characters! / T-Rex: Hello? Shakespeare INVENTED that! Or have you forgotten how "Hamlet" stands for "H.A.M.L.E.T.'s Actually Me; Lshak Espeare Thrustbottoms"? / T-Rex: Perhaps you've ALSO simultaneously forgotten how we all agreed to change his name to Shakespeare to make it less super dumb??
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1923
 
this text was originally just going to be the word, but then I thought, no, no, it's better if they stumbled across it on their own T-Rex: The most frequent question sex advice columnists get asked is "How do I set up a threesome?" You have to risk the embarrassment and just ask: the worst they can say is "no"! And then they can get really freaked out and not want to be your friend anymore. / T-Rex: It can get pretty bad and embarrassing, I gotta say! / T-Rex: But it's a risk you've got to take, as there exists, unfortunately, no secret word for sexy times. / Dromiceiomimus: What are you talking about? Yes there is. Nobody told you? / T-Rex: What? / Dromiceiomimus: Oh my god. Forget I said anything. / T-Rex: Holy crap. There IS a way to ask for threesomes and not risk anything? / Utahraptor: No, no! / Utahraptor: There totally isn't. If there WAS such a secret word, then everyone would be having some really fun and satisfying weekends! / T-Rex: How was your weekend, Utahraptor? / Utahraptor: Oh, really fun and sa- um, I mean... "boring"? / Utahraptor: Boring is a thing weekends used to be, right? / T-Rex's brain: *pop* / T-Rex: Utahraptor if you heard that it was the sound of my brain exploding at the thought of a lifetime of missed sexy opportunities / T-Rex: This is where my story ends
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1924
What if I called it "Sexy Talk With Sexy Steve, As Played By T-Rex"? I could wear a moustache! Sexy Steve has a moustache, you understand. T-Rex: One job I'd love to have AND that I just realized you can get by simply declaring yourself open for business is sex advice columnist. And guess what? / T-Rex: I'm now a sex advice columnist, baby! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, do you have any sex-related questions that you'd like me to answer in my column, "Oh My God, How Could You Not Figure This Out On Your Own?" / Dromiceioimus: Not if it's called that! / T-Rex:What if I called it "Cloacademia! (The Cloaca Being Our Single Opening Where The Waste Goes Out And The Sex Goes In)?" / T-Rex: "Cloacapella"? / Utahraptor: T-Rex, how do you let a partner know that they're bad at sex, and second, how do I know that I'm not bad at it? / T-Rex: Oh boy!! / T-Rex: Gentle "me-statements" hints ("I like it when you do this") can help someone figure out what works for you! And if you and your consenting partner(s) are enjoying themselves, then congrats, you're good at sex. Don't overthink it! / Utahraptor: That was - actually a really good answer! / T-Rex: I know, right? I thought I was gonna answer questions with "Did you know that exes is 'sexy' spelled backwards AND INCORRECTLY?" / T-Rex: No real reason; I've just been looking for a chance to work that in for a while
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1925
in the versions i read, the wolf ties a rope to red but she ties her end to a tree and escapes, and the wolf waits patiently before saying either "are you making a load out there" or "are you making cables out there". stay classy, wolf! T-Rex: Once upon a time, there was a young woman called Little Red Riding Hood! Her parents, who were grown adults, named her after the clothes they bought for her. / Narrator: THE STORY OF LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD / Narrator: as told in the 14th century / T-Rex: Red is on her way to visit her grandmother, who lives in the woods. She meets a wolf and tells him where she's going, so Wolf gets there before her and murders the grandmother. Then he DRESSES UP IN HER CLOTHES while BOTTLING HER BLOOD AND CHOPPING UP HER FLESH.Then he gets into her bed. / T-Rex: I - I don't know why. / T-Rex: This is a story for children, I dunno. / Utahraptor: And then Red shows up? / T-Rex: That's still the same, yeah! / T-Rex: Only now Wolf tells Red to eat, so she unknowingly CANNIBALIZES HER OWN GRANDMOTHER. Then either wolf eats Red, THE END, or convinces her to burn her clothes (WHAT) and get into bed with her "grandmother" (WHAT) at which point Red saves herself by saying she needs to poo and doesn't want to poo in the bed (WHATTTT) / T-Rex: Red runs back to home naked and has learnt a valuable lesson: don't talk to strangers! / T-Rex: She later reflects, wistfully, that the lesson could've easily been conveyed without murder, cannibalism, and zoophilia, but OH WELL!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1926
did you see what i did there with Machine of Death? I BELIEVE THAT IS CALLED "SYNERGY" T-Rex: Once upon a time there was a woman called Sleeping Beauty! Her parents named her after a specific state that she was only in sometimes. It was weird. / Narrator: SLEEPING BEAUTY: the 17th century version / T-Rex: Sleepytimes gets her Machine of Death reading and it says she'll be done in by flax! / T-Rex: Dad tries to keep her from flax, but years later, wouldn't you know it, she messes with some flax and gets a splinter and collapses. And Dad doesn't want to bury her so instead he abandons his house with her in it! Only, she's not dead: she's SLEEPING. Like in her name? / T-Rex: This doesn't occur to anyone though. / T-Rex: I dunno why, it's kinda obvious / Utahraptor: And then a king stops by the house and finds her there unconscious! / T-Rex: INDEED. / Utahraptor: And then he sexually assaults her, and then she gives birth to twins. / T-Rex: This story is moronic. / Utahraptor: And the twins suck the splinter out and she wakes up and... falls in love with her attacker? / T-Rex: Somehow it got even more moronic! / Utahraptor: The moral of the story is then explicitly stated to be "LUCKY PEOPLE ARE LUCKY, EVEN WHEN THEY'RE SLEEPING!" / T-Rex: Holy crap, we're now at HITHERTO-UNCHARTED levels of moronic! / T-Rex: I can't believe we're all descended from 17th century people; how embarrassing!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1927
the moral of the story is, "start thinking about time travel paradoxes now when you're young because they are PRETTY NEAT" God: T-REX YOU'RE SO DOWN ON THESE OLD FAIRY TALES WHY DON'T YOU TRY WRITING ONE / T-Rex: The ability to create is not necessary to have the ability to criticize but NEVERTHELESS: challenge accepted! / T-Rex: Check it: once upon a time there was a beautiful little prince! / T-Rex: He was actually a girl in a boy's body though, which gave him SUPER POWERS. For example, when the other princes said that playing with dolls was dumb, he could play with dolls if he wanted to! / Dromiceiomimus: ...Wait. He rejects the cissexual dichotomy but still subscribes to traditional play gender roles? / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus. / T-Rex: He's only six. / Utahraptor: So what happens? Where's the conflict? / T-Rex: An EVIL FAIRY WIZARD! / T-Rex: Fairy turns all his friends into turnips, so out prince learns to travel back in time and turns the wizard into a turnip before the story starts! And then the story starts again, but this time, his friends pull out forks and say "Who wants TURNIPS??" / Utahraptor: Ah. / T-Rex: Was that like "Ah, that's amazing" or was it more "Ah, my friend has messed up and created something terrible. I need to let him know this without hurting his feelings - or do I? Could it be best to let him make his own mistakes?" / T-Rex: Because if its the former then may I just say: AWESOME
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1928
 
YOU NEED TO BRING YOUR "A" GAME Narrator: PROBLEMS THAT CAN ONLY BE BLAMED ON HETEROSEXUAL COUPLES: / T-Rex: Global overpopulation! / T-Rex: Also global underpopulation, and also global just right population. Basically anything to do with population: BALL'S IN THEIR COURT. / Dromiceiomimus: Also anything to do with heredity: their fault. / T-Rex: Yep! And anything to do with babies and ESPECIALLY the one that barfed on me. / Narrator: PROBLEMS THAT CAN ONLY BE BLAMED ON HOMOSEXUAL COUPLES: / T-Rex: Um... / Utahraptor: NOT ENOUGH GAY SEXING / Narrator: THE END
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1929
in unrelated news i propose we replace "have sex with" with "do sex with", that way you can say "I REALLY WANT TO DO SEX WITH THAT PERSON" and sound normal TITLE: PROBLEMS THAT CAN ONLY BE BLAMED ON MONOGAMOUS COUPLES: / T-Rex: Cheating on your sweetie! / Dromiceiomimus: Actually, T-Rex, non-monogamy doesn't automatically mean "now you can have sex with everyone without consequences", it usually means "I'm not going to demand exclusivity of you, but we still need communication and trust, and, as in any relationship, I can be hurt". You can still cheat. We talked about this. / T-Rex: Oh YEAH / TITLE: PROBLEMS THAT CAN ONLY BE BLAMED ON NON-MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS: / T-Rex: Monogamous folks questioning what had before been the default assumption of exclusivity! / Utahraptor: Difficulty in finding monogamous partners, if everyone else wants piece(s) on the side(s)? / T-Rex: Too many sexy times with too many sexy people!! / T-Rex: That is a problem I have never experienced but which I must believe exists. I CHOOSE to live in a world where this could one day be my problem! / T-Rex: I CHOOSE to live in a world where one day all this sex could stress me out, seriously interfering with my work and productivity
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1930
god doesn't even get a co-starring credit? ouch-o-rama Narrator: "T-REX AND DROMICEIOMIMUS" starring t-rex and dromiceiomimus / T-Rex: WHY WON'T THIS COMPUTER DO WHAT I WANT IT TO; I PAID ACTUAL MONEY FOR THIS COMPUTER / T-Rex: DOES IT NOT REALIZE IT BELONGS TO ME / God: T-REX YOU'RE SHOUTING / T-Rex: UM I'M SHOUTING BECAUSE I'M MAD AT MY COMPUTER / T-Rex: I THOUGHT THAT WAS PRETTY CLEAR / Dromiceiomimus: WHY ARE YOU MAD AT YOUR COMPUTER, T-REX / T-Rex: WHENEVER I TRY TO DO STUFF IT'S LIKE "ID RATHER REBOOT INSTEAD; THAT'S COOL RIGHT??" / T-Rex: IT'S NOT COOL / Dromiceiomimus: GOOD TO SEE YOU AS ALWAYS, T-REX / T-Rex: YOU TOO, DROMICEIOMIMUS / Narrator: "T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR" starring t-rex and utahraptor / T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR I SHOUTED FOR TOO LONG AND NOW I CAN'T STOP / Utahraptor: THAT'S NOT A REAL PROBLEM / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: IT IS FOR ME / Narrator: THE END
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1931
t-rex i thought your email sig of "PRINT THIS OUT AND STORE IT IN AMBER" was a joke, your email header of "DO WHAT IT SAYS IN MY SIGNATURE", mere setup T-Rex: There's some things I do that nobody else does. Maybe I decorate my room in a particular way! You can put a LOT of things in a room; it seems reasonable we'd all decorate it slightly differently! / T-Rex: And even if some folks decorate the same, they'd still do other things differently! / T-Rex: Just expand the reasoning out to the things I buy, the way I talk and write - they all add up to a unique set of artifacts generated by ME. / Dromiceiomimus: Sure! / T-Rex: And many of these things: photos of my rooms, my fancy hates, my excellent emails that I'm sure you're all archiving - all could last long after I die! / Utahraptor: So what? You leave behind a bunch of stuff. / T-Rex: Not just stuff: UNIQUE stuff! / T-Rex: And if there's a one-to-one link between the stuff I leave behind and the person I was, can't we imagine a future in which science can be used to follow these links...backwards? / Utahraptor: You want the future to rebuild you based on your stuff? / T-Rex: Not stuff! HISTORICAL ARTIFACTS. / T-Rex: All of which point to a particular person. I mean, I'd then like them to invent time travel and send Future Regenerated Me back in time to me so that we can pal around, but one step at a time, you know? I can wait! / T-Rex: The future's got all the time in the world!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1932
humanity gets jetpacks and everything is fine T-Rex: "Things I could've done by now if I'd dedicated more time towards them", a list by me, T-Rex. / T-Rex: Ahem. / T-Rex: I could've started a family or three, either in series OR in parallel! / T-Rex: I could've travelled the world! I could've become good if not great at any number of instruments, painted beautiful things, entered the space program, learned new languages, advanced our knowledge of the universe, or embarked on ANY NUMBER of different careers! / T-Rex: Wow! / T-Rex: I honestly did not expect the list to be this depressing! / Utahraptor: But there's always gonna be more things you could've done than things you did! You're comparing many to one! / Utahraptor: That's not a fair comparison, T-Rex. / T-Rex: Holy crap, you're right! So what you're saying is...the sum of mes across the multiverse will always be more awesome than in one individual timeline?? / Utahraptor: Right! You all add up to a pretty great guy. / PARALLEL UNIVERSE DX-5326: / Alternate T-Rex: So what you're saying is...the other mes across the multiverse are DRAGGING DOWN THE FRIGGIN' AVERAGE?? Man! Sometimes I wonder why I even bothered inventing jetpacks so that we can hunt humans from jetpacks! / Alternate T-Rex: Also, the humans get jetpacks.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1933
 

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