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worked kinda hard to avoid having to break up "Beethoven" with a dash, was entirely unsure as to where it would've been placed	T-Rex: Beethoven wrote some pretty okay symphonies, but then he started going deaf! And so rather than talking to people he couldn't hear, he'd have written conversations with them instead. / T-Rex: We've still got these conversation books today! / T-Rex: It's amazing, Dromeceiomimus! We have records of ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS this dude had, before we'd gotten around to inventing recorded sound. What did Beethoven think about panini sandwiches? I know, you guys! LET'S CHECK THE CONVERSATION BOOKS. / Dromeceiomimus: He talked about paninis? / T-Rex: I haven't read the books but, you know ? PROBABLY. / Utahraptor: Actually, the books were altered after he died! / T-Rex: What? / Utahraptor: Yeah, an early biographer wanted to make sure history portrayed Beethoven "properly", so he destroyed about half of them and altered the others. / T-Rex: Wow. That sucks for history, but it's kinda awesome for Beethoven. I can only hope that if I die, SOMEONE classes up my diaries too! / T-Rex: That was a hint, Utahraptor. I'm kinda relying on you for posterity here! I'm kinda relying on you to substitute "today I polished furniture by flexing my abs back and forth" for "today I dropped a barf". / T-Rex: ... 'Cause I'm not going to stop barfing is the thing http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1844
"as erotic as possible under the circumstances": the t-rex story	T-Rex: "Antonio Tony and Amelia wake up in a world where suddenly everyone has gone blind - EXCEPT FOR THEM. Antonio and Amelia turn to each other and whisper 'Oh sheesh, everyone has gone blind except for us!' so now we know what's going on." / T-Rex: "They go outside and see a lot of folks bumping into things!" / T-Rex: "They're not sure what they can do. They've heard that in the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king, but neither really wants to be a king, and that's mainly because they're both characters i use in sex stories mostly. Antonio whispers 'This is one problem we can't solve by having sex with each other!', but it's too late because they're having sex with each other now. They eventually agree: it's as erotic as possible under the circumstances." / Utahraptor: Wow, that was a really interesting premise you had for a moment there! / T-Rex: I know, and SOMEWHERE, it all went wrong! / T-Rex: But you know what they say: the best characters write themselves, and as an ARTISTE, I can't control that. / Utahraptor: Maybe it's time to get some new characters? Give Antonio Tony a rest, you know? / T-Rex: Okay - I'll try! I'LL TRY AS HARD AS I'VE EVER T- / <<pop>> / T-Rex: Oh crap! / T-Rex: Utahraptor I still think I have that hospitals problem http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1845
the best guns are made out of steel! hopefully anyway, i actually have no idea	T-Rex: "Amelia and Antonio Tony decided to no longer have sex! This was some pretty exceptional character development. They both said the next few days were going to be intense. They said this during their now-copious free time." / T-Rex: "'Copious sounds like copulation', ejaculated Antonio!" / T-Rex: "It was a stupid observation to make. Plus, using 'ejaculated' to mean 'said suddenly' went out of style with corsets and growing your own pigs and four-digit years that start with '18'". / Dromiceiomimus: But Antonio didn't say that, you did. The narrator used "ejaculated". / T-Rex: "Nobody listen to Dromiceiomimus!" / Utahraptor: So... this is a - collaborative story? / T-Rex: "said Utahraptor, understanding dawning like a real dawn does." / Utahraptor: Okay. Andtonio flicked his cigarette into the fireplae and glared back at the cop. "Amelia can't be dead. I saw her this morning." / T-Rex: "'Yep, she's not dead!' said the cop. 'I guess I forgot that when I said she was dead before.'" / Utahraptor: Tony felt the cold steel of the gun in his pocket. / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: "Antonio Tony remembered he didn't murder anyone!" / Utahraptor: Then he remembered that he did! BLOOD GOT EVERYWHERE / T-Rex: "Suddenly this was all a dream and everyone was sexual again, THE END." / T-Rex: ...That's not a bad ending, I gotta say http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1846
the best guns are made out of steel! hopefully anyway, i actually have no idea	T-Rex: "Amelia and Antonio Tony decided to no longer have sex! This was some pretty exceptional character development. They both said the next few days were going to be intense. They said this during their now-copious free time." / T-Rex: "'Copious sounds like copulation', ejaculated Antonio!" / T-Rex: "It was a stupid observation to make. Plus, using 'ejaculated' to mean 'said suddenly' went out of style with corsets and growing your own pigs and four-digit years that start with '18'". / Dromiceiomimus: But Antonio didn't say that, you did. The narrator used "ejaculated". / T-Rex: "Nobody listen to Dromiceiomimus!" / Utahraptor: So... this is a - collaborative story? / T-Rex: "said Utahraptor, understanding dawning like a real dawn does." / Utahraptor: Okay. Andtonio flicked his cigarette into the fireplae and glared back at the cop. "Amelia can't be dead. I saw her this morning." / T-Rex: "'Yep, she's not dead!' said the cop. 'I guess I forgot that when I said she was dead before.'" / Utahraptor: Tony felt the cold steel of the gun in his pocket. / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: "Antonio Tony remembered he didn't murder anyone!" / Utahraptor: Then he remembered that he did! BLOOD GOT EVERYWHERE / T-Rex: "Suddenly this was all a dream and everyone was sexual again, THE END." / T-Rex: ...That's not a bad ending, I gotta say http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1846
ANYWAY TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION T-REX WHAT'S THE POINT OF CREATING TALKING DINOSAURS IF YOU CAN'T CHAT EM UP ONCE IN A WHILE	God: T-REX WHICH ARE BETTER DOGS OR CATS / T-Rex: I guess PERSONALLY I prefer dogs. So hey! I don't mean to be rude, but as God, um - / T-Rex: Don't you have anything better to do? / God: OH HEY T-REX I HAD A BUSY WEEK A WHILE BACK IN WHICH I CREATED WHAT WAS IT AGAIN OH YEAH / God: THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE / God: MAYBE YOU MISSED IT / T-Rex: That was like a 7.17 hundred billion weeks ago! / God: AH SO JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR WHAT YOU'RE ASKING ME GOD IS WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY / T-Rex: Well! What HAVE you done for me lately? / Utahraptor: I gave you some eggs and you said you'd make me muffins! / T-Rex: No, I was asking God - / Utahraptor: Then you baked the muffins, and then, you ate all the muffins. / T-Rex: Okay, but th- / Utahraptor: Then you sent me an email that said only "i dont feel so good DUDE!!! X-D" / T-Rex: {{thought bubble}} I have no memory of this, but I DO only break out the "X-D" emoticons in the course of a sincere apology {{/thought bubble}} / T-Rex: Alright! / T-Rex: Your story checks out! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1847
the miracle of life has evolved an inordinate amount of tasty treats	Narrator: T-REX HAS A BELLY ACHE / T-Rex: And it's ridiculous! 3.8 BILLION YEARS of evolution and my belly still has problems if I eat ALL the chicken wings? That might be baloney sandwiches! / T-Rex: That's probablu a 100% baloney sandwich buffet!! / T-Rex: 3.8 billion years ago evolution was all, "I got this". And then it whips out simple cells and multicellular life and friggin' PHOTOSYNTHESIS, and then tasty treats in the water and air and land, and plants and fish and reptiles and mammals and birds and flowers and finally us: FULLY SENTIENT LADIES AND DUDES. And then, THEN, evolution says, "Phew, I'm plumb tuckered out!" / T-Rex: FINISH THE JOB / Utahraptor: Hey, maybe you should just eat within your capacity! / T-Rex: PLEASE. / T-Rex: You know what this is? That is making CONCESSIONS for a FLAWED PRODUCT. I would be perfect if only I could eat more chicken wings; I'm so close I can taste it. / T-Rex: It - / T-Rex: It tastes like chicken wings from last night / God: I WARNED IF YOU ATE ANY MORE WINGS THEN 199 THINGS WOULD GO WRONG IN THE BATHROOM / T-Rex: You said one thing would go wrong in 199 different ways! / God: T-REX AT THIS POINT FOR YOUR BATHROOM / God- THE DISTINCTION IN LARGELY ACADEMIC http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1848

what you are seeing is a picture of a t-rex torn precisely between fighting crime and selling vitamin d pills for profits	T-Rex: I may have been too hard on evolution the other day. The fact that plants have photosynthesis IS pretty awesome! / T-Rex: We're surrounded by living creatures that EAT SUN. / T-Rex: And then I realized: any animal that I eat either eats plants or eats another animal! Thus does cruel mistress Induction decree that this entire chain is based on plants, and so even when I'm eating meatburgers I'm eating SUN, the only way I know: INDIRECTLY. / Dromiceiomimus: You actually do a form of photosynthesis yourself, T-Rex! / T-Rex: GET the heck OUT. / Utahraptor: It's true! It's not photosynthesis like plants do, but sun does react with your skin to synthesize vitamin D. / T-Rex: What?! / T-Rex: So what you're saying is I - have superpowers? / Utahraptor: Well, the same superpower every other vertebrate has. / T-Rex: SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS I HAVE SUPERPOWERS. / Utahraptor: Ones that are more useful against rickets than crime, yes. / T-Rex: {{speechless}} http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1849
if you're made uncomfortable by the contraction "i'd've", know that you are NOT ALONE: this is one super double power contraction	T-Rex: I have some bad news, everyone. I hope everyone is sitting down, because everyone is going to hear my bad news in like two seconds. / T-Rex: We are almost certainly not living up to our potential! / T-Rex: I know, it sucks! / T-Rex: But here's the thing: even if you're super talented AND super successful, for every thing you do there's almost infinite things you could've done instead. How can you say whatever you're doing is the one thing you'd be best at? / Dromiceiomimus: You're talking career-wise? / T-Rex: Everything-wise! I could be a great politician, but if I'd been a doctor maybe I'd've been even better! / Utahraptor: We can't know what might've been, T-Rex. It's impossible! / T-Rex: Sure! / T-Rex: But we CAN make an educated guess, and with so many choices that could've gone differently, the odds that anyone's doing the one thing they'd be best at are vanishingly small. / Utahraptor: I suppose we can only do what makes us happy. / T-Rex: Happiness doesn't equal greatness, but sure, whatever! / T-Rex: It's not all bad, though! All these choices suggest that in an alternate universe somewhere, each of us is TOTALLY KICKING BUTT. / T-Rex: Hence my new emergency fallback epitaph! / T-Rex: "I - I guess he was just here to make the alternate universes look good?" http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1850
the "4" in panel six is actually because i ran out of space, and this word/number substitution is nothing i've ever done before, but i gotta say, it's pretty adorable when it's "trouble 4 utahraptor".	T-Rex: Alright dudes, listen, it's time to MAN UP. It's time for us to become more CULTURALLY MASCULINE. / T-Rex: It's time to CONFORM TO WHAT STRANGERS THINK A MAN SHOULD BE! / T-Rex: Perhaps you need to take a leadership role in something, or perhaps there is a challenge you have failed that you must now succeed in, because that is what MEN do. / Dromiceiomimus: These seem like something a woman could do equally as well, if not better! / T-Rex: Perhaps now it's time for you to MAN UP and change our cultural perception of gender then?? / Utahraptor: So toughness equals manliness then? Success is a male attribute how? / T-Rex: Hey man, don't look at me! / T-Rex: I'm just the reporter here. If people walked around saying "LADY UP" to mean "TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS ALREADY" then I would be talking about that! / Utahraptor: Okay. I'm going to LADY UP and say that from now on! / T-Rex: I sincerely wish you luck!! / Narrator: SOON: TROUBLE 4 UTAHRAPTOR / Utahraptor: I said it was time for me to lady up and clean the bathroom and then get some groceries! / T-Rex: gasp So sexist!! / Utahraptor: You were supposed to spread the new saying around! Come on!! / Utahraptor: It's TALKING. / Utahraptor: THAT IS LIKE 100% OF WHAT YOU DO ALL DAY http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1851
the "4" in panel six is actually because i ran out of space, and this word/number substitution is nothing i've ever done before, but i gotta say, it's pretty adorable when it's "trouble 4 utahraptor".	T-Rex: Alright dudes, listen, it's time to MAN UP. It's time for us to become more CULTURALLY MASCULINE. / T-Rex: It's time to CONFORM TO WHAT STRANGERS THINK A MAN SHOULD BE! / T-Rex: Perhaps you need to take a leadership role in something, or perhaps there is a challenge you have failed that you must now succeed in, because that is what MEN do. / Dromiceiomimus: These seem like something a woman could do equally as well, if not better! / T-Rex: Perhaps now it's time for you to MAN UP and change our cultural perception of gender then?? / Utahraptor: So toughness equals manliness then? Success is a male attribute how? / T-Rex: Hey man, don't look at me! / T-Rex: I'm just the reporter here. If people walked around saying "LADY UP" to mean "TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS ALREADY" then I would be talking about that! / Utahraptor: Okay. I'm going to LADY UP and say that from now on! / T-Rex: I sincerely wish you luck!! / Narrator: SOON: TROUBLE 4 UTAHRAPTOR / Utahraptor: I said it was time for me to lady up and clean the bathroom and then get some groceries! / T-Rex: gasp So sexist!! / Utahraptor: You were supposed to spread the new saying around! Come on!! / Utahraptor: It's TALKING. / Utahraptor: THAT IS LIKE 100% OF WHAT YOU DO ALL DAY http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1851
kinda wish i'd called the comic "utahraptor's pal, t-rex", not even gonna lie about this	Narrator: "TROUBLE 4 UTAHRAPTOR" COMICS STARRING "UTAHRAPTOR'S PAL T-REX" / T-Rex: Oh no! Is Utahraptor in trouble again? IS he in ALL the trouble? To reiterate slightly: / T-Rex: Has trouble finally come... FOR UTAHRAPTOR? / T-Rex: What can we do, Dromiceiomimus? We've got to help Utahraptor out! / Dromiceiomimus: i imagine the first step is to ascertain what sort of trouble he's in! / T-Rex: I'm on it! One press of my special "signal watch" will bring him here instantly! / Utahraptor: You, called, T-Rex? / T-Rex: Utahraptor! I heard you're in trouble again! / Utahraptor: I am! It seems I get into trouble five times a week - but luckily, I've got some great pals to help me out! / T-Rex: That's us! / Utahraptor: Yes! So here's my trouble... / Utahraptor {{off-screen}}: I have 12 identical balls, but one is EITHER heavier or lighter than the rest, and I've got a balance scale that measures relative weight. / T-Rex: This sounds complicated! / Utahraptor {{off-screen}}: AND I can only use the scale 3 times to find out which ball is different! / T-Rex: I'm going home okay http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1852
i had to fix panel two TWICE because i kept rewriting it and accidentally putting in the right "who's", what the heck you guys	T-Rex: Books I would not like my name attached to include "Dealings with Feelings", "Racist Grandpas: Not Hardly As Racist As ME" and "Check It Out: Controversial Opinions on Paedophilia". / T-Rex: Also "Now Whose Written A Grammar Text?" / Dromiceiomimus: Books I would not like MY name attached to include "Nudes Misconstrueds", "Unspeakable Engineering Disasters I Did", and "All My Secrets: A Confession With Many Secrets". / T-Rex: Those are good choiced! I'ma add "Good Grief! Even More Controversial Opinions on Paedophilia" to my list. / Utahraptor: "I'ma"? You've never said that before. / T-Rex: Short for "I'm gonna", itself short for "I'm going to"! / Utahraptor: Huh! You should put "Contractions I Saw On TV That I'ma Gonna Use" on your list. / T-Rex: See, no. "I'ma gonna" just makes you sound like Luigi. Also I saw it on the INTERNET, so if I knew how to snap right now I'd say "Oh" and then snap so the resulting message is "Oh snap!!" / T-Rex {{thought bubble}}: Holy crap! That would be SO AWESOME!! / T-Rex: Utahraptor can you teach me to snap real quick http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1853

later still: aw crap, my giant brain is back up but it turns out it's full of terrible things uploaded by strangers that can not be unseen	T-Rex: Perhaps I can get insight into myself by, instead of examining what I know, looking at what I DON'T know! For example, I don't know anything about what happened in 1900 BCE. / T-Rex: Sorry if awesome sweet times happened, 1900 BCE dudes! / T-Rex: Similarly, I don't know how to turn wool into felt and on closer inspection I'm not ENTIRELY sure that's where felt comes from in the first place. Clearly, I'm not a guy who cares about making felt and/or specific historical times! / Dromiceiomimus: These insights are pretty superficial, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Um, they can't all be winners, Dromiceiomimus! / Utahraptor: The other problem with your idea is that not knowing something doesn't mean you don't care about it! / T-Rex: How so? / Utahraptor: Well I don't know about felt either, but if I ever need to, it's all there online. Treat the internet like offline storage waiting to be loaded into your active memory, and there's not much you can't potentially know! / T-Rex: That's a great way of looking at it! I'm a cyborg and the internet is part of my GIANT BRAIN! / LATER, AT HOME: T-Rex: What the heck, my giant brain has been down for like THREE HOURS!! / T-Rex: This might be / T-Rex: THE WORST THING http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1854
every time i mention that the dinosaurs are naked i think, "aha! that's why qwantz.com is classified as 'adult content' by the internet filters i hear about. it's just too damn erotic!!"	T-Rex: I hoped it wouldn't come to this, but here we are, and there's nothing left for me to do but say it. / T-Rex: Fashion is WAY TOO HARD. / T-Rex: For serious! / T-Rex: I think, "Oh, I'll get a nice vest, that's fashionable!" but then I wear it with the wrong shirt and OH NO, now I've somehow clothed myself in experimental unstable ANTIFASHION. / Dromiceiomimus: So you've got the ingredients, but can't put them together? / T-Rex: I've got the ingredients, but they mutually annihilate and the only output of the reaction is I end up looking like a rube! / T-Rex: hence my declaration of just a few seconds ago! / Utahraptor: Why not read some fashion magazines? / T-Rex: The problem THERE is everyone will say "Oh, THAT guy subscribes to 'Classy Chappy Cuarterly': I can tell by his scarf or whatever." And every time I try to freestyle I mess it up! / Utahraptor: You really do find fashion difficult, don't you? / T-Rex: Yeah! Why do you think I walk around naked all the time?? / T-Rex: Actually, no, that's not true! / T-Rex: I've got like a thousand REALLY GOOD REASONS for doing that http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1855
arguably, the word "explosive" is autological if you form it out of sticks of tnt. the only problem is, WHO'S GOING TO ARGUE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS THE WORD "EXPLOSIVE" FORMED OUT OF STICKS OF TNT??	T-Rex: The best words MIGHT be autological words, you guys! / T-Rex: These are words that describe something that also describes the word itself! / T-Rex: For example, the word "short" is itself short, and the word "multisyllabic" has more than one syllable in it. Soooo crazy! / Dromiceiomimus: And the world "understandable" is itself understandable, so it's self-describing and therefore autological too! / T-Rex: Just like "2oig3nt2as2y" which is a word I just made up that means "annoying to say"! / Utahraptor: There's the opposite too: heterological words that DON'T describe themselves, like "long"! / T-Rex: Neat! / Utahraptor: So is "heterological" heterological? / T-Rex: Well if it IS, then it's self-describing, which means autological. And if it ISN'T, then it's autological again too. Huh. If this paradox is supposed to make me trip balls, you should know I've taken the precaution of having them TIGHTLY SECURED. / Narrator: LATER: / Stranger: {{off-screen}} Hey, who put all my balls in the closet? And then tied the closet handle shut, and then attached a note that reads "NEVER AGAIN >:\|"? / T-Rex: Sir, calm down! / T-Rex: You can thank me whenever!! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1856
dinosaur comics. yes, but under very different circumstances from those expected.	T-Rex: Gentlemen and gentlewomen, thank you for joining me today. As I said in my letter that drew you here, I have and exciting proposition to put to each of you: I propose we undertake a voyage! / T-Rex: I propose we undertake a voyage to no lesser target than the south pole!! / Dromiceiomimus: Are you serious, T-Rex? Because I'd love to go, but it's super expensive: cruises cost like 10 thousand dollars, plus there's the effects tourism can have on a place, distorting local culture and in some cases the original beauty that first drew people ther- / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! / T-Rex: There'll be PENGUINS / Utahraptor: If you really want to go, maybe you'd like to know the history of the place first? / T-Rex: Please! / Narrator {{Utahraptor}}: OKAY, THIS IS ME NARRATING NOW, T-REX. I'M GOING TO TELL YOU THE STORY OF CAPTAIN ROBERT SCOTT. YOU'LL BE SCOTT. / T-Rex: I'm an ambitious military officer, but it's hard to get noticed for a promotion! / Utahraptor: Why not captain a trip to the Antarctic? / T-Rex: Dang, I should TOTES do that! / Narrator: REMEMBER: YOU'RE IN VICTORIAN TIMES. / T-Rex: Forsooth, I verily doth wantus that! / Narrator: HISTORY FOR YOU IS A BIG PARTY WHERE EVERYONE JUST HANGS OUT TOGETHER, ISN'T IT? / T-Rex: F- / T-Rex: Forsooth. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1857
shackleton doesn't show up in this little comic arc again but I had to work him in here, because frank's sentence about him is TOO AMAZING.	Narrator: OKAY T-REX, YOU'RE CAPTAIN ROBERT SCOTT AND YOU'VE MADE A TRIP TO ANTARCTICA ON THE DISCOVERY. IT WAS A BIG SUCCESS! YOU GOT PROMOTED TO CAPTAIN. / T-Rex: I thought I already was captain! / Narrator: NO, I CALLED YOU THAT BECAUSE THAT'S THE RANK YOU DIE WITH. / T-Rex: I'm gonna DIE?! / Narrator: T-REX PLEASE TRY TO STAY IN CHARACTER HERE, OKAY? / T-Rex: No problem! ahem / T-Rex: I, CAPTAIN ROBERT SCOTT, am going to die?! / Dromiceiomimus: Not before you marry me: Kathleen Bruce! We meet at a party and love each other very much. We have a kid, too! / T-Rex: Hey! On that note, I'm going back to Antarctica! / Utahraptor: Why? You've been there before! / T-Rex: But I never reached the pole! / T-Rex: And my FRIENEMY Shackleton just got back from there, and HE came within 180km of it! I've totally got to beat him. / Utahraptor: Shackleton? Isn't he the guy who, while in Antarctica when EVERYONE was starving, gave on Frank Wild his only biscuit of food for the day? / Utahraptor: And Frank wrote in his diary, "All the money that was ever minted would not have bought that biscuit, and the remembrance of that sacrifice will never leave me"? / T-Rex: YES / T-Rex: This may be an inopportune time to mention it but I consider him to be a TOTAL DICK http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1858

my diary on the day i failed to reach the south pole reads "dear diary: today at the office was pretty okay. got some good email forwards. chicken for dinner."	Narrator: T-REX YOU'RE CAPTAIN SCOTT AND YOU'RE BACK IN ANTARCTICA. YOU'RE TRYING TO REACH THE SOUTH POLE. / T-Rex: "Ice" to see you again, Antarctica!! / Narrator: I CAN 100% GUARANTEE SCOTT NEVER SAID THAT. / T-Rex: "Icy" you think Captain Scott didn't make hilarious puns!! / Narrator: RIGHT. SO ON YOUR WAY TO THE SOUTH POLE, YOUR EXPEDITION GETS WORD THAT THIS NORWEGIAN GUY AMUNDSEN HAS A PARALLEL EXPEDITION TO THE SOUTH POLE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. / T-Rex: I'll beat him!! / Narrator: SPOILER ALERT: HE BEATS YOU BY ALMOST A MONTH. / T-Rex: ... Well, FRIGS AHOY. / T-Rex: Seriously? We go to the south pole at great personal cost and don't even get there first? / Utahraptor: So depressing! / T-Rex: And at the south pole Amundsen left a letter for me, asking that I deliver it to the King of Norway. Apparently he's... the biggest jerk? / Utahraptor: Really, it's insurance in case he doesn't make it back. The march isn't going to be easy! / T-Rex: ... Right. Well, before we go let me write in my diary! / T-Rex: Ahem. "Great God! This is an awful place and terrible enough for us to have laboured to it without the reward of priority. All the daydreams must go; it will be a wearisome return." / T-Rex: "ps: this TOTALLY SUCKS" / T-Rex: "SO HARD" http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1859
scott was bad ass: "Had we lived, I should have had a tale to tell of the hardihood, endurance, and courage of my companions which would have stirred the heart of every Englishman. These rough notes and our dead bodies must tell the tale."	Narrator: SO THIS IS THE SADDEST PART OF ROBERT SCOTT'S STORY, T-REX. / T-Rex: Getting to the south pole a month late wasn't sad enough? / Narrator: WELL, IN THIS PART, EVERYONE DIES. / T-Rex: ...of old age? / Narrator: NOPE: EXPOSURE. THINGS ARE GETTING WORSE AS THE TEMPERATURE DROPS. / T-Rex: what happens? / Narrator: ONE MAN, OATES, IS IN A BAD WAY. RATHER THAN SLOW EVERYONE DOWN, HE GETS UP ONE MORNING, SAYS "I AM JUST GOING OUTSIDE AND MAY BE SOME TIME", AND LEAVES THE TENT. NOBODY EVER SEES HIM AGAIN. / T-Rex: ...Whoah. / T-Rex: Okay! That's it!! I'm tapping out! / Utahraptor: You don't want to hear how this ends? / T-Rex: I know how it ends! EVERYBODY DIES. Amundsen makes it though, right? / Utahraptor: Yeah, his team's better prepared for getting to the pole. Scott was more an adventurer, while Amundsen said "Adventure is just bad planning". / T-Rex: Dude, why couldn't you tell me his story instead? / Utahraptor: ...I thought you'd enjoy a story of doomed struggle more than a story of efficient success? / T-Rex: Man, I love efficient success! I'm all about efficient success! You know how I take baths? EFFICIENTLY. / T-Rex: AND NOT INFREQUENTLY: SUCCESSFULLY http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1860
things t-rex has the loosest grasp on: christianity, female anatomy, macroeconomics, the list goes on	T-Rex: I am not a guy who has the best record with Christmas presents! Or the best record with presents in general. Or the best um, record, of any description. / T-Rex: ANYWAY THAT IS ALL CHANGING TODAY. / T-Rex: I'm going to get thoughtful experiential gifts, Dromiceiomimus! I'm going to examine your entire life and decide what one, singular experience your life has been leading to that you've not yet accomplished, and then, I'm going to provide you with that experience! Doesn't that sound - / Dromiceiomimus: foreboding? / T-Rex: AMAZING?? / Utahraptor: I appreciate the idea, but this sounds like it's an impossible gift! / T-Rex: Impossibly amazing? / Utahraptor: Sure, but also impossibly expensive and difficult. I appreciate it, but I'd rather just have some hangouts! / T-Rex: It's too late; you guys already know about the idea! THE ONLY POSSIBLE SOLUTION is to now travel back in time and murder myself to prevent my gift promises from ever being made!! / God: THAT'S UM / God: THAT'S NOT REALLY WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT T-REX / T-Rex: Seriously? / T-Rex: Man, I have got to have like the loosest grasp on Christianity EVER http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1861
all riddles end with "what the hell??" and involve vin diesel, any "riddle" you come across that does not share these properties has been rewritten as a prank and should be reverted	T-Rex: Riddles! Everyone loves riddles, and I HAVE GOT A RIDDLE FOR YOU. Vin Diesel was walking down the street and found $50. Instead of taking it, he went into town and stole a fish! What the hell? / T-Rex: ANSWER: Vin Diesel is a cat! / Dromiceiomimus: Wait. Why was Vin Diesel involved again? / T-Rex: Maybe you'll like this one better! Vin Diesel is pushing his car when he stopped outside a hotel and immediately went bankrupt. What the hell?? / Dromiceiomimus: Vin Diesel - / T-Rex: Correct! Vin Diesel is a cat who has learned to play Monopoly. / Utahraptor: Here's one for you T-Rex! A beautiful human woman has sex with Vin Diesel. / T-Rex: Interesting! / Utahraptor: Now she's going to jail! / T-Rex: Oh man what the hell?? Is Vin Diesel a cat? / Utahraptor: Correct! / T-Rex: OH MY GOD, THAT'S SUCH A GOOD RIDDLE! / T-Rex: Vin Diesel ate a spider and then threw up on my living room floor! What the hell?? / T-Rex: Cat and riddle time is OVER; this is an actual life challenge I must wrestle with http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1862
wait, no! it's the t-1000, but instead of relentlessly working towards killing someone, it relentlessly works towards being a really really good pal	T-Rex: There's all these really interesting and amazing people out there: people who know so many awesome things and DO so many awesome things that I'm like, "HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?" / T-Rex: That's what I'm like! / T-Rex: And I want in! / T-Rex: How did these people get to be so awesome? Did they start when they were young? When I was a kid, I just wanted to watch cartoons, but I really want to be amazing now. I want people to say, "That T-Rex, you've got to know him! He's an amazing guy. So interesting too!" / Dromiceiomimus: I'll say that! / T-Rex: It's not fair if you say it, Dromiceiomimus! I want STRANGERS to say it. / Utahraptor: I bet we could just pay someo- / T-Rex: I want strangers to say it WITHOUT COERCION. / T-Rex: And I want them to be HONESTLY MOTIVATED in their remarks, you know? I'm not looking for a quick hack here. / Utahraptor: Okay, well, then I'd say you should get interesting. Imagine the most interesting person EVER, and then strive to become that person! / T-Rex: Okay! The most intersting person ever is a woman with robot parts who can hypnotize people and her limbs turn into rockets when she flies. And, when on MOUNTAIN missions, her legs turn into skis. / T-Rex: sigh / T-Rex: I've a long road ahead of me, it would seem http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1863
wait, no! it's the t-1000, but instead of relentlessly working towards killing someone, it relentlessly works towards being a really really good pal	T-Rex: There's all these really interesting and amazing people out there: people who know so many awesome things and DO so many awesome things that I'm like, "HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?" / T-Rex: That's what I'm like! / T-Rex: And I want in! / T-Rex: How did these people get to be so awesome? Did they start when they were young? When I was a kid, I just wanted to watch cartoons, but I really want to be amazing now. I want people to say, "That T-Rex, you've got to know him! He's an amazing guy. So interesting too!" / Dromiceiomimus: I'll say that! / T-Rex: It's not fair if you say it, Dromiceiomimus! I want STRANGERS to say it. / Utahraptor: I bet we could just pay someo- / T-Rex: I want strangers to say it WITHOUT COERCION. / T-Rex: And I want them to be HONESTLY MOTIVATED in their remarks, you know? I'm not looking for a quick hack here. / Utahraptor: Okay, well, then I'd say you should get interesting. Imagine the most interesting person EVER, and then strive to become that person! / T-Rex: Okay! The most intersting person ever is a woman with robot parts who can hypnotize people and her limbs turn into rockets when she flies. And, when on MOUNTAIN missions, her legs turn into skis. / T-Rex: sigh / T-Rex: I've a long road ahead of me, it would seem http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1863

written to beethoven symphony 5, first movement, allegro con brio	T-Rex: The Devil, come quick!! / Devil: GREETINGS T-REX WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM / T-Rex: Nothing, just making sure you're there!! / / Devil: T-REX SOME PEOPLE SPEND THEIR ENTIRE LIVES GRAPPLING WITH A DEVIL THEY CAN'T SEE BUT WHOSE INFLUENCE THEY PERCEIVE / YOU ARE SPENDING YOUR ENTIRE LIFE PLAYING THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF / ON XBOX / T-Rex: I'm not! / Devil: YES YOU ARE AND I BELIVE YOU'RE GOING FOR 100% COMPLETION / Utahraptor: You're not what? / T-Rex: Playing "the boy who cried wolf" with The Devil! / Devil: THE CRY WOLF KEY / IT'S JUST ABOUT WORN OFF / T-Rex: This is just because I kinda bothered him for no reason. / Devil: YOU'VE UNCOVERED LEVELS THAT BY ALL RIGHTS SHOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE / THE PROGRAMMERS OF THE GAME WATCH IN HORROR AS YOU UNLOCK ACHIEVEMENTS THAT NONE OF THEM PROGRAMMED IN / Uthahraptor: Ah. / Devil: YOUR ENDLESS PLAYING HAS PROVOKED THE FIRST REAL STIRRINGS OF ELECTRONIC INTELLIGENCE INTO BEING / HORRIBLY MALFORMED LETTERS COALESCE ON THE SCREEN AS IF THROUGH GREAT EFFORT / THEY READ / "I GOT SHIT TO DO T-REX" / "WHAT THE HELL" http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1864
t-rex's imagination is actually pixel-perfect; WHY WOULD HE LIE??	God: T-REX YOU'RE THE LAST PERSON LEFT ALIVE ON EARTH WHAT DO YOU DO / T-Rex: Oh crap OH CRAP oh crap!! ohhhhhhhhhhh craaaaaaa- / T-Rex: -ap! Also frig! / T-Rex: Oh crap OH CRAP oh hey, Dromiceiomimus! You're still alive! / Dromiceiomimus: Yep! ACTUALLY, I've been still alive since the day I was born. / T-Rex: But that means - God lied to me! ...Unless he was proposing a hypothetical situation, which in retrospect he was 100% doing. / Utahraptor: Maybe you really ARE the last one alive, but in response to the stress you went INSANE, imagining we're all still here! / Utahraptor: You're surrounded by the collapsed remains of civilization, and you mind is now consoling itself by retreating into the heay realm of fantasy! / T-Rex: Utahraptor, please. My imagination is super terrible; if reality was all in my head I'm sure we'd ALL be able to tell. / T-Rex: I'll prove it! This is me imagining what you look like, having seen you just seconds ago! / [[A thought cloud appears, in it there is a very pixely Batman-head, saying: I am an orange dinosaur]] / T-Rex: Okay you can't see that but I actually did a pretty good job. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1865
meanwhile, in tudor england: william shakespeare is having act 2 of romeo and juliet end with all the characters getting on a boat... that soon hits an iceberg!! in my comic, i mean. i dunno what's happening meanwhile in tudor england in real life.	Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS / Narrator: today's technique: CLIFFHANGERS / T-Rex: Cliffhangers are when you leave things unresolved, so the audience stays... / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: ... around! It's so the audience stays around. / T-Rex: Usually there's some threat that makes things SEEMINGLY IMPOSSIBLE, or a startling revelation that appears at the last second. / Dromiceiomimus: As way of an example, I've rigged that house with a nuclear bomb that will explode when it's stomped on, and also, I'm your sister!! / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: FRIG THAT / Narrator: TO BE CONTINUED / Narrator: AND NOW, THE CONCLUSION: / Utahraptor: Another problem is that cliffhangers sometimes don't resolve at all! / T-Rex: Yes! / Utahraptor: And when they do they can't be unsatisfying, like when it turned out you were dreaming about that Dromiceiomimus bomb sister thing. Just as you're dreaming right now. Wake up T-Rex!! ONLY YOU ARE A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO RESCUE THE PRESIDENT! / T-Rex: What? / Narrator: TO BE CONTINUED / Narrator: AND NOW, THE CONCLUSION: / T-Rex: That "bad dude" thing was from a video game http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1866
On Christmas Eve it turns out T-Rex actually got thoughtful gifts for everyone! And Utahraptor didn't just get him a Batman train either. CHRISTMAS IS SAVED	T-Rex: It's Christmas Eve Eve and I've gotten everybody like zero presents / T-Rex: And there's no sign of Christmas being cancelled either! / Dromiceiomimus: You were HOPING for Christmas cancellation? / T-Rex: Man, it happens all the time in cartoons!! Santa gets a cough and then OH NO, Christmas is cancelled AGAIN! / Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, but some kids always team up and save Christmas! You really need to finish watching the holiday specials you start, T-Rex. / T-Rex: Yeah, people say that / Utahraptor: Does "like zero presents" include me? / T-Rex: No, I got you something! My... affection? / T-Rex: I have commoditized our relationship and now present it to you as if it's a gift. Merry Christmas! We're friends at my discretion. / Utahraptor: ...I got you a Batman train. / T-Rex: What?! / T-Rex: I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY MADE BATMAN TRAINS / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR I FEEL BAD ABOUT MY CRAPPY GIFT BUT I'M STILL REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS BATMAN TRAIN / T-Rex: MAY I BE THE FIRST TO SAY: / T-Rex:"TOOT TOOT" http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1867
8,765 hours of minecraft and civ, no regrets	T-Rex: The year is almost over, you guys! We've hat 8,765 hours a year to GET THINGS DONE. I'm gonna say what we're all thinking: / T-Rex: DUDES. What have we accomplished? / Dromiceiomimus: Well, if you consider the fact that your body is constantly turning air and water and food into YOU, that's a lot of tiny accomplishments! / T-Rex: I like it! But I worry an accomplishment list that includes "continued respirating" might seem a BIT padded. We've got to come up with a better name for it! / Dromiceiomimus: "Facilitated between disparate matter groups?" / Utahraptor: "Participated in group collaboration between cells"? / T-Rex: Ooh! "Enabled bioelectromagnetic synergies"! / T-Rex: "Identified sources of oxygen-rich gasses in order to reach continued viability targets"? / Utahraptor: "Existed as the only spark of consciousness I can be certain of, explored what parts of the universe I could reach, tried to make things better, and made whatever friends I could."? / T-Rex: Nice. Also, "Ate thousands of pounds of tasty things (NICE) but expelled thousands of pounds of poops (GROSS)" / T-Rex: Gotta round that up to a win! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1868

you'll notice those backhairs when they're big enough to show up in these sequential photographs i'm posting every day	God: HEY T-REX HAVE YOU MADE A NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION / T-Rex: I totally have! And it is a SECRET! / God: OKAY BUT THE THING IS NOTHING IS REALLY SECRET FROM ME GOD / T-Rex: Except for... my resolution? / God: T-REX I COULD RECREATE THE UNIVERSE WITH THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BEING YOU TELL ME YOUR RESOLUTION OR I COULD SET THINGS UP SO THAT YOU TELL IT THROUGH YOUR OWN FREE WILL OR I COULD READ YOUR MIND IF I WERE FEELING LAZY / God: I GUESS I COULD READ YOUR DIARY IF I WAS FEELING SUPER LAZY / T-Rex: Aha! But I didn't write it down in my REGULAR diary! / God: AMONG MY TALENTS IS THE ABILITY TO READ SECRET BACKUP DIARIES / Utahraptor: What didn't you write down? / T-Rex: My new year's resolution! God's trying to trick me into revealing it, but it's TOTALLY not working. / Utahraptor: Couldn't he just recreate the universe with the only diff- / T-Rex: OKAY YEAH but what if he DID, he'd have to wait BILLIONS OF YEARS just to get back to the point we're at now! / Narrator: 13.75 ? 0.17 BILLION YEARS LATER: / T-Rex: This year I resolve to stop stressing about my backhairs so much!! / God: HAH HAH HAH / God: AWESOME / God: TOTALLY WORTH IT http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1869
you'll notice those backhairs when they're big enough to show up in these sequential photographs i'm posting every day	God: HEY T-REX HAVE YOU MADE A NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION / T-Rex: I totally have! And it is a SECRET! / God: OKAY BUT THE THING IS NOTHING IS REALLY SECRET FROM ME GOD / T-Rex: Except for... my resolution? / God: T-REX I COULD RECREATE THE UNIVERSE WITH THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BEING YOU TELL ME YOUR RESOLUTION OR I COULD SET THINGS UP SO THAT YOU TELL IT THROUGH YOUR OWN FREE WILL OR I COULD READ YOUR MIND IF I WERE FEELING LAZY / God: I GUESS I COULD READ YOUR DIARY IF I WAS FEELING SUPER LAZY / T-Rex: Aha! But I didn't write it down in my REGULAR diary! / God: AMONG MY TALENTS IS THE ABILITY TO READ SECRET BACKUP DIARIES / Utahraptor: What didn't you write down? / T-Rex: My new year's resolution! God's trying to trick me into revealing it, but it's TOTALLY not working. / Utahraptor: Couldn't he just recreate the universe with the only diff- / T-Rex: OKAY YEAH but what if he DID, he'd have to wait BILLIONS OF YEARS just to get back to the point we're at now! / Narrator: 13.75 ? 0.17 BILLION YEARS LATER: / T-Rex: This year I resolve to stop stressing about my backhairs so much!! / God: HAH HAH HAH / God: AWESOME / God: TOTALLY WORTH IT http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1869
dinosaurs were around for 65 million years, so we can expect they had at least two dinosaur batmans, and we can expect our first batman by the year 24,797,989. MARK THAT ON YOUR CALENDARS.	T-Rex: We start with the number of children born to billionaire parents each year! / T-Rex: We take that and multiply it by the chance of someone becoming an Olympic athlete! / T-Rex: And we multiply that number by the unfortunate chance someone will witness their parents become the victims of violent crime as a child! / Dromiceiomimus: Good god! You're calculating - / T-Rex: - YES. Dromiceiomimus, YES. / T-Rex: I'm calculating the EXPECTED REAL-LIFE BATMAN GENERATION RATE. / Utahraptor: What do you get?! / T-Rex: Well, there's only about 1000 billionaires worldwide. / Utahraptor: And there were 2600 athletes at the last Olympics, so with 6 billion of us in total, your odds are 1 in 2307692 of developing such peak physicality. / T-Rex: And if we generously estimate 0.0001 chance of parent murder, then that's...! / T-Rex: Hold on, it's hard to do in my head - / T-Rex: That's one Batman every 25 MILLION YEARS, assuming every billionaire has a child each year. And is murdered each year. And I didn't even work in the odds of becoming friends with Superman. Frig! / T-Rex: I hate to say it, but reality SUCKS sometimes. http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1870
here's my best estimate for the number of habitable planets in the universe: lots, i hope!!	T-Rex: We start with the number of planets orbiting red suns! / T-Rex: And we multiply that by the chance of a planet having an unstable nuclear core! / T-Rex: And we multiply that by the fortunate chance of having a parent who is a literal rocket scientist. / Dromiceiomimus: Good god! You're not - it couldn't be - / T-Rex: - YES, Dromiceiomimus. YES. / T-Rex: I'm calculating the EXPECTED REAL-LIFE SUPERMAN GENERATION RATE. / Utahraptor: But we have basically no idea how many habitable planets there are in the universe! / T-Rex: True! / T-Rex: But we know OUR sun will be a red dwarf eventually. So it's just the odds of our species surviving long enough, times the odds of having a rocket scientist parent, times the odds of free superpowers when landing on a strange planet orbiting a queer yellow sun! / Utahraptor: So... zero? / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: I'm going back to bed http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1871
GLRPE TM MMXI	T-Rex: The number of Spider-men depends on the number of real-life superpower-granting spiders, which I'm pretty sure is zero. The number of Hulks depends on the number of gamma bomb blasts granting superpowers, which, again: zero. / T-Rex: This DOES explain why no Spider-men Hulks have tried to steal my girlfriend!! / T-Rex:But it makes things pretty depressing. Watch an action movie and you can thin "That could be me, if my chums and I were ever sent into space to blow up an asteroid." But there's no way I can become Spider-man OR Hulk! Or Flash. Or Green Lantern or even Black Canary. / T-Rex: sigh / Utahraptor: You could still become Green Lantern, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Really?! / Utahraptor: Sure! He's given powers through an alien ring, so really you just need a slightly modified Drake Equation that incorporates the odds of strangers giving you stuff. / T-Rex: And by making myself more charismatic, I increase that chance, which thereby increases my Green Lantern Ring Potential!! / Narrator: SOON: / T-Rex: Oh, will you look at that! NONE of my fingers have rings on them! Gosh, that's a lot of potential / T-Rex: As much as my personal potential for fighting crime and righting wrongs, I gotta say! http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1872
this comic should not be taken as actual incitement to kill billionaires and train their children, dinosaur comics international hereby comes down strongly in favour of living	T-Rex: Maybe I've been taking the wrong approach with trying to work out the odds of superheroes. Statistics are passive! It's time for ACTION. It's time for me to START KILLING BILLIONAIRES. / T-Rex: It's time for me to start up charities that offer bereaved children peak physical conditioning! / T-Rex: It's time for me to start blowing up planets that orbit distant red suns and expose others to gamma radiation and cosmic rays, just in case! / Dromiceiomimus: Don't you mean expose yourself? / T-Rex: Nope! If I expose myself I might get superpowers, and would this be unable to focus on giving OTHER people superpowers. / T-Rex: I'm very selfless that way, Dromiceiomimus. / T-Rex: Some women find that sexy. / Utahraptor: Couldn't you use your superpowers to give others superpowers more effectively though? / T-Rex: Utahraptor! I'm suprised at you! / T-Rex: Clearly the only ethical thing to do with superpowers is fight crime. / Utahraptor: But the greater good could be served by granting further ? / T-Rex: DON'T YOU THINK SUPERMAN WOULD'VE THOUGHT OF THAT?? BECAUSE I KINDA THINK SUPER INTELLIGENCE WOULD THINK OF THAT. / T-Rex: UNLESS YOU'RE SUGGESTING SUPERMAN DIDN'T THINK OF THAT BECAUSE THE COMICS ARE WRITTEN AND ILLUSTRATED BY NON-SUPERMAN ENTITIES, IN WHICH CASE I HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR YOU, UTAHRAPTOR: / T-Rex: {{in italics}} HOW WOULD THEY KNOW WHAT HE'S THINKING?? http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1873

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