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man, WHO KNOWS. T-Rex: Mylings are Scandinavian ghosts! They're way better than regular ghosts, you guys! / T-Rex: They're the ghosts of cheezed-off kids! / T-Rex: They're cheezed-off ghost kids who just want to be buried properly. And if you encounter one, it hops on your back and demands to be taken to the nearest graveyard. And as you approach the graveyard they grow heavier and heavier, until they're so heavy that you can sink into the ground under their weight. And if that happens then they kill you in a rage and try again with the next guy! / T-Rex: AWESOME. / Utahraptor: What's awesome? It's awesome to be dead? / T-Rex: Man, who knows?! / T-Rex: But what IS awesome is the idea of a ghost who just wants to be buried, but who, despite this one consuming desire, also can't resist pulling the old "increasing mass piggyback ride" prank. / Utahraptor: I get the sense you empathize with these ghosts a lot. / T-Rex: Oh man, I totally do! / T-Rex: If I could increase my mass, you can bet I'd be going for gag piggyback rides ALL THE TIME! As it stands though, all I can do is eat fruit from passing trees DURING the ride. / Utahraptor: I see. / T-Rex: Yeah, it definitely takes too long
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1573
writing comics like this is a bad idea because if i DO get murdered, i can just see the defense for the murderer in court saying "your honour, this apparently dead guy wrote comics about faking your own death; TOTALLY JUST THROWING THAT OUT THERE" T-Rex: I'm totally going to fake my own death today. / T-Rex: Everyone, don't tell anyone!! / T-Rex: I've got it all set up. My diary today says "I think SOMEONE's gonna murder me today!" and I've made YouTube comments that say "pretty sure someone wants to murder me >:|" and there won't be a body in my house, just a note that says "MAN I guess I got murdered, huh?". / Dromiceiomimus: Those sound like pretty suspicious circumstances, T-Rex! / T-Rex: The only thing suspicious is how APPARENTLY perfect my murder is! / Utahraptor: And that's still suspicious! / Utahraptor: Listen, you want to fake your death, you've got to do it right, with none of this way-too-obvious note stuff. Let's stop joking around here and get down to business. / T-Rex: I - okay? / Utahraptor: Good. / Utahraptor: We're doing this, man. We're making this happen. / T-Rex: Man, what if I just paid my late fees instead
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1574
the best version of this story i read ended with the moral "some infinities are bigger than others". HOW TRUE T-Rex: David Hilbert was a mathematician and hotelier who was born in 1892. He built an infinite hotel, you guys! / Narrator: THE INFINITE HOTEL / Narrator: A TRUE STORY / T-Rex: So Hilbert built this infinite hotel that was infinitely big and had infinitely many rooms; I believe this was a matter of some investment. But build it he did, and soon after a bus with infinity people in it showed up, with each of them wanting a room! Lucky for Hilbert he had his infinite hotel, so each guest got a room, and the hotel was filled up to capacity. Nice! But just then another friggin' bus showed up, and it ALSO had infinity people in it! / Utahraptor: Nobody builds for TWO infinite buses showing up right after the other! / T-Rex: Turns out they do! / T-Rex: He just told every guest already there to move into the room that was double their current room number. So the guest in room 3 moved into room 6, and so on! Thus, only the even-numbered rooms were occupied, and everyone on the new bus could have an odd-numbered room! / Utahraptor: Amazing! / T-Rex: Yep! Anyway! / T-Rex: It's my understanding that he died an infinitely rich man infinity years later
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1575
history's chumps: a comic about chumps that belong to history. hence, the possessive. Narrator: HISTORY'S CHUMPS / T-Rex: History if full of chumps, you guys!! / T-Rex: Today's historical chump is William H. Mumler (born 1832), who was a photographer guy who did portraits! Only he wasn't very good photographer guy because one time he accidentally double-exposed some film, and the resulting image showed the one portrait clearly but also showed a ghostly image of the other portrait! / Utahraptor: So he threw away the photo and reminded himself not make that dumb mistake anymore? / T-Rex: Nope! / T-Rex: Instead he embarked on a career as a SPIRIT PHOTOGRAPHER and made a lot of money duping a lot of people, including Abraham Lincoln's widow. Only, peopleeventually started to notice that his "ghosts" looked an awful lot like living people around town! / Utahraptor: Hah! Whoops! / T-Rex: They ALSO eventually noticed how he was breaking into their houses so he could look at photographs and figure out what his ghosts were supposed to look like. Anyway like everyone else from history he eventually died and now his entire life has been compressed to a short story, the end!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1576
i kinda disagree with t-rex here, but sometimes, man, he just don't listen God: IT'S TIME FOR ROMANCE TIPS WITH T-REX / T-Rex: Yes! Today is the day for some tips on how to convince yourself that no matter what you'll never find anyone bett- / T-Rex: Okay! Today is the day for some tips on being romantic! / T-Rex: Flowers are nice, for all sexes and genders! They're pretty and also - smell pretty? Also! It can be romantic to tell someone you love them. Also, um. / T-Rex: Okay, so here's the thing. Probably there is someone out there who's better suited with you. The odds of you both having found the ONE person who's absolutely best for you, no matter what system you use to rank "bestness", are pretty small. / T-Rex: But! / Utahraptor: But? / T-Rex: BUT. / T-Rex: Let's say you're happy with person A (95% perfect) and you meet person B who is 99% perfect. It doesn't make sense to leave person A for B if you've been with them for years! You lose out on all your shared history, and that's like a times two multiplier! / Utahraptor: Romance? / T-Rex: Romance with a times two multiplier! / God: OKAY SO / God: ROMANCE TIPS WITH T-REX WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA / T-Rex: ...Righty-o
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1577
 
Two days ago I assured John Campbell of Pictures For Sad Children Dot Com that the vagina was named after Dr. Vagina, the man who discovered it; I sincerely regret the error T-Rex: Some folks got opinions, you guys! / T-Rex: Some folks got opinions on what their genitals should be called, you guys! / T-Rex: BY WAY OF AN EXAMPLE, "vagina" comes from Latin, where it means "sheath" - as in something that goes around a sword! And some people are like, check it, MY vagina does tons more than the passive "sheath" implies, so let's call it something else! / Dromiceiomimus: "Check it"? / T-Rex: That's what some people are like, Dromiceiomimus!! / Utahraptor: But lots of the alternative names can be considered obscene, can't they? / T-Rex: Yep! / T-Rex: But they can also be entirely free from any quasi-insulting Latinate etymology the other words have. There's people trying to reclaim these currently-taboo words in the same way "queer" was! / Utahraptor: Neat! But largely irrelevant to us, as our reproduction is not through vaginal intercourse! / Utahraptor: AS YOU KNOW, we achieve intercourse through a cloacal kiss, the cloaca being of course our single shared intestinal, urinary, AND reproductive tract opening! / T-Rex: Yes, of course! *sigh* / T-Rex: It is extremely erotic
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1578
Never a better time for a minced friggin' oath than now, Utahraptor! T-Rex: What's that, computer? Updates are available to be installed? / T-Rex: FRIG YES / T-Rex: I love friggin' updates! Why doesn't my computer do everything perfectly right now? Because if it did, I wouldn't get the joy of friggin' updating all the time! / Dromiceiomimus: Maybe something that used to work won't work anymore! / T-Rex: FRIG that'd be awesome. I love fixing stuff I didn't even break!! / Utahraptor: Did you hear that friggin' updates are available to be installed, T-Rex? / T-Rex: I sure friggin' did!! / T-Rex: We'll be saying this when we're 50 years old, you know. We'll still be installing friggin' updates. / Utahraptor: Or maybe updates will be installed without even telling us, so when things break it'll be a big surprise each time with no friggin' discernable cause! / T-Rex: Oh frig! I think the future just got awesome! / Utahraptor: Frig, right? / T-Rex: For a second there, I was worried the future wouldn't have the word "frig" written all over it!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1579
whatta park T-Rex: Say a friggin' word enough, and it loses all friggin' meaning! / Narrator: SEMANTIC SATIATION / T-Rex: "Frig" is a bad example though because that word is great. But we've all spent an afternoon saying something like "waterpark" over and over until there's nothing there, just sounds, just the empty shell of a word, waterpark, the oral equivalent of a forgotten childhood toy found in adulthood, now strange and alien and no longer coloured by desire, by anything, waterpark. Did the word ever really have any meaning? / Utahraptor: I think it's happening to me! Waterpark, waterpark, waterpark. / T-Rex: Waterpark, Utahraptor! / Utahraptor: It's due to a repeated firing of the same cortex area which causes a reduction in the waterpark intensity, right? Waterpark. / T-Rex: It's too late to ask how or why. We're done for, Utahraptor. This is where our waterpark story ends. / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Utahraptor, I overdosed on semantic satiation! The word "waterpark" has been sandblasted right out of my mind! / Utahraptor: How'd you use it just now? / T-Rex: That was the last instance I had! / T-Rex: ...what word?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1580
the great things about babies is that you can never be racist against babies, because you were totally a baby once. the only difference is, YOU grew out of it T-Rex: The words for "mother" and "father" are really similar, if not identical, across tons of languages! And the reason isn't because the languages are closely related. It's due to a way more awesome reason! / T-Rex: It's because parents totally assume their babies are talking about them! / T-Rex: It's so amazing: "ma", "pa" are some of the first and easiest language-like sounds babbling babies make - and what's the word for "mother" in English? "Mama"! And it's also "mama" in Dutch, and in Romanian, and in Catalan, Slovak, Quechu, Romanian, Chinese, German, Russian, and MORE. The languages have evolved such that the first language noise a baby makes sounds like it's saying "Hey mom, what's up?" / Utahraptor: And dads make the seam deal too! "Papa" is in English, Cree, and Hindi! / T-Rex: Neat! / Utahraptor: It's kinda awesome that these words are built to flatter new parents. / T-Rex: Man, it's great! Across language, time, and entire civilizations, we're united by pointing at our babbling babies and saying, "Yes. This child is DEFINITELY talking about me." / T-Rex: Hooray for egoism!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1581
inspired by the tvtropes "weaksauce weakness" page. tvtropes it great, it'll remind you of how ridiculous your body is, AND also suck up endless hours of your time T-Rex: Our bodies are amazing things! / T-Rex: Check it, Everyone! / T-Rex: We use our mouths to talk. We invent, remember and teach entire languages with which to do the talking! And if that fails, We can TALK WITH OUR HANDS. We build planes and boats and cars and spaceships, all by either using our bodies directly, or by using instruments invented by our bodies. We compose beautiful music and tell amazing stories, all with our bodies, these fleshy bags with spooky skeletons inside! / T-Rex: And yet... / Utahraptor: And yet? / T-Rex: And yet, if we have a severe enough peanut allergy, we can be killed IN SECONDS by a single friggin' legume. And hey, 70% of our planet's surface is water, but what happens if we spend too much time in it? WE DROWN. / Utahraptor: Game over! / T-Rex: Game over, man! / T-Rex: I used to make fun of Green Lantern for being vulnerable to the colour yellow! Then I choked on my orange juice one morning and nearly suffocated. / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: *sigh*
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1582
 
a question for people who are in fact friends with someone who says "major snorefest" lightly: how do you even manage it T-Rex: Last night I dreamt I was preparing to buy a boat, and by "preparing to" I mean "stressing out about the confusing but necessary paperwork in order to". / T-Rex: Major snorefest! / T-Rex: And I am not one to say "major snorefest" lightly, Dromiceiomimus! / Dromiceiomimus: It's one of the reasons we're friends! / T-Rex: Exactly! But it helped me realize: even when I'm dreaming of interesting things like zombies or sexin', it's still kinda disappointing. / Utahraptor: Man, what's wrong with zombies and sexin'? / T-Rex: Folks have already imagined those things!! / T-Rex: I want to dream about things I CAN'T otherwise experience: new colours and impossible shapes and sounds my ears could never process! In dreams my brain is decoupled from my limited senses; why doesn't it get ON this? / Utahraptor: Sounds like you should be taking this up with your brain, not with me! / T-Rex: FINE / T-Rex (thinking): Hey brain, this is me, the conscious part! / T-Rex (thinking): Listen / T-Rex (thinking): I would like more dreams in UHF please
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1583
spent a long time deciding whether to write "captain crunch cereal" or "cap'n crunch cereal", in the end wikipedia cast the deciding vote when it said that "captain crunch cereal" didn't actually exist, and that the cereal and the eponymous character go b T-Rex: Today is the day I cook a meal for all my friends! You're coming, right God? / God: YEP FOR SURE I LOVE TO EAT MY CREATIONS / T-Rex: ... Okay, great! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus you're coming too, right? / Dromiceiomimus: Sure! What are you making? / T-Rex: A themed dish for every guest! Yours is on the theme "vegetarian ornithomimidae" / Dromiceiomimus: Appropiate! / Utahraptor: Oooh! What's my dish's theme? / T-Rex: "Gay". / T-Rex: It'll be delicious! "Here's some gay", I'll say! "Eat up!" / Utahraptor: I'm not sure if that's offensive. I think it might be offensive! Maybe? I guess it depends on what food you think best represents "gay". / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Well? Do you like it? / Utahraptor: It's a box of Cap'n Crunch cereal, and inside the box you put a note that says "DUDES". / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: Utahraptor your theme was REALLY TOUGH
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1584
anyway when does tennis for two 360 xtreme come out, i have been waiting FOREVER The Devil: GREETINGS T-REX LET'S REMAKE SOME CLASSIC VIDEO GAMES / T-Rex: With new graphics? / The Devil: WITH NEW GRAPHICS DELIVERING ASTOUNDING NEW VISTAS NEVER BEFORE SEEN / The Devil: ALSO WITH STEREOPHONIC SOUNDS / T-Rex: At the very least!! / The Devil: AND LET US ENSURE THE CORE GAMEPLAY MECHANIC IS PRESENT AND UNMOLESTED / T-Rex: Maybe we could tweak it a bit though: advance it for the times! / The Devil: WHAT EXCUSE ME T-REX BUT IF YOU WANT TO MESS WITH GAMEPLAY WHY BOTHER REMAKING A CLASSIC GAME / The Devil: DO NOT BOTHER ANSWERING THAT QUESTION FOR THERE EXISTS NO ANSWER THAT CAN GIVE ANY SATISFACTION / T-Rex: Aw man, things were going so well with the Devil for once! / Utahraptor: What happened? / T-Rex: I suggested changing the gameplay mechanics while remaking an old game. / Utahraptor: Why bother remaking a game if you're just going to change it? / T-Rex: I know, I know, I shouldn't answer that question, there exists no answer that can give any satisfaction. / The Devil: T-REX I WOULD REQUEST AN INTRODUCTION TO YOUR FRIEND UTAHRAPTOR / T-Rex: He's right there; just talk to him! / The Devil: I'VE TRIED / The Devil: EITHER HE DIDN'T HEAR ME OR HE BELIEVED THAT THE MOST ILLUMINATING ANSWER TO MY QUESTIONS WAS TO CONTINUE EATING CORN
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1585
not all dreams can come true, you may never be an astronaut, you may never be the one your friends choose to rescue them from the past T-Rex: When someone accidentally gets sent to the past, they always make sure to write a letter held in trust and delivered to their friends decades later, telling them that they made it alright! / T-Rex: Pretty disappointed this hasn't happened to me yet, you guys!! / T-Rex: MAYBE this letter will still be delivered to me in the future, but I'll be older then! If I'm to do anything about it - if I'm to go back and Save My Friend - I should be getting the letter now, when I'm in my prime! / Dromiceiomimus: Maybe the letter arrives when you're old because if you get it any sooner, you mess up in your rescue attempt and die! Or worse! / T-Rex: Huh! I hadn't thought of that! / Utahraptor: Man, you should! / Utahraptor: The letter probably says "Dear T-Rex, okay, let's try this again. You'll get this when you're 80, let's see if you can come back and save me without stepping on ALL the butterflies this time, alright bitches??" / T-Rex: *gasp* / T-Rex: No friend of MINE would commit a cuss like that to writing! / Narrator: LATER, T-REX TRIES IT AND COMMITS SOME CUSSES TO WRITING! / T-Rex: Nothing bad happened! / T-Rex: I don't understand.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1586
i wouldn't use the word in a comic that was actually about the word itself, but andrew hussie adds "burglar" to the end and i am ALL OVER THAT LIKE WHITE ON RICE T-Rex: I have led my life believing that people who write down cuss words have bad things happen to them. / T-Rex: And it has worked out really well so far! / T-Rex: When I saw someone writing a cuss, I would think "It's okay, that person will have troubles down the line because of that, and then they'll realize why, and then they'll know not to write down cusses anymore. They will have learnt their lesson." But I wrote down some cusses last night and nothing bad happened! / T-Rex: Nothing! / Utahraptor: Maybe it was the cusses you chose? / T-Rex: That's what I thought! / T-Rex: But after smaller cusses didn't take, I worked up to the bigger ones. And even they weren't doing anything! By the time it was time for bed, I was writing out things like "PROFESSOR CUNTBURGLAR" in my notebook, complete with doodled 3D effects! / Utahraptor: And still no response, huh? Weird! / T-Rex: I know! But then I realized there's probably a delay, so when a bunch of birds poop on my head later on this week I'm not going to wonder why. / T-Rex: Look for me, I'll be the guy shielding my head with one hand while shouting "Don't worry everyone! I deserve this!!"
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1587
 
sheesh maybe i'll just sit in silence and listen to my own thoughts instead, maybe i'll just act like i'm in the stone age and we haven't figured out how to send voices through the air, boooooooring T-Rex: Which guy just totally shredded his phone bill? Oh snap, looks like it was THIS guy! / T-Rex: I'm a dude with a shredder now, ladies!! / T-Rex: I paid my phone bill and then I shredded it, and then I shredded the envelope it came in, and then I wrote some secrets down and shredded THEM. I will never get tired of shredding things with my new shredder, Dromiceiomimus! I do hereby solemnly vow and affirm that I will be big into shredders until the day I die! I swear it! / Dromiceiomimus: Okay / Utahraptor: Vows are meant to be saved for the big things, man! / T-Rex: This is big! / Utahraptor: No, this is you infatuated with a consumer-grade appliance. Vows are for when you get married, swear revenge on the death of a loved one, or become Batman! And even that is just a special case of the revenge one. / T-Rex: Not anymore, Utahraptor!! "I vow" is the new "I swear to God"! / Narrator: SOON: / T-Rex: Oh my God, this radio station sucks so bad!! / T-Rex: HOLY CRAP! / T-Rex: I VOW / T-Rex: THAT THERE CAN BE NONE SUCKIER
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1588
T-REX VAMPIRES CAN HAVE KIDS AND LITTLE DINOSAUR VAMPIRES SOUNDS PRETTY CUTE TO ME God: VAMPIRES CAN HAVE KIDS T-REX / T-Rex: Oh daaaaaaaang!! / T-Rex: Why was I not informed until now?! / T-Rex: Vampires can have kids, Dromiceiomimus! They can REPRODUCE through sex! / Dromiceiomimus: What? Daaaaaang! / T-Rex: Yeah, vampires can make more vampires either through bites OR through sex. They have an entire reproduction option that we don't have! / T-Rex: Kinda jealous over here! / Utahraptor: But, they can't go out in the sun. / T-Rex: Yep! There is that. / T-Rex: And I actually don't think the bite option is that fun anyway. Biting someone and getting their blood into your mouth? Honestly? I can think of like four better ways to spend a Friday night. / Utahraptor: Name 'em. / T-Rex: Playing video games, eating food, hanging out with friends, and having ACTUAL SEX. / T-Rex: Not necessarily all at the same time, either
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1589
anyway the whole thing is cleared up in time for tomorrow's comic, turns out that what we *thought* were corpses were actually marzipan T-Rex: Oh crap! Everybody died! / T-Rex: I'm the last one left on the planet! / T-Rex: Oh craaaaaaaaaaa- / Narrator: THREE WEEKS EARLIER... / T-Rex: You know what's dumb? MY MP3 PLAYER. / Dromiceiomimus: How is your MP3 player dumb, T-Rex? / T-Rex: It should have one of those accelerometers or whatever in it, so it can charge itself from my motions throughout the day! / Utahraptor: Those wouldn't generate nearly enough power! / T-Rex: Okay, that's dumb too! / T-Rex: We should have something that can turn the motion of my legs into enough electricity to keep an MP3 player charged. There, I just invented it. Someone implement it now okay?? / Utahraptor: There are physical limits to what a - / T-Rex: OH MY GOD JUST DO IT OKAY?? / Narrator: SORRY WE WENT A WEEK OR SO TOO FAR BACK; THE EVENTS THAT LED TO EVERYONE DYING HAVEN'T REALLY STARTED YET / Narrator: SORRY / Narrator: LISTEN, THANK YOU FOR READING MY COMIC
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1590
utahraptor used to be more against t-rex stepping on tiny women, but it keeps happening and the woman keeps coming back, so, now, he's not so sure T-Rex: My autobiography, by me, T-Rex! *ahem* / T-Rex: I was born in the past. / T-Rex: But then I got older, you guys! / T-Rex: And I made some great friends and did some cool things. Eventually, one of these things I did was to write a book about them. And that brings us up to the present! / T-Rex: So! Now I'm writing my book and stepping on this tiny woman. I'm kinda hungry? / Utahraptor: Oh God, live autobiography! / T-Rex: My friend Utahraptor is sassing this book I'm writing. He's really insulting ALL of us! / T-Rex: " / Utahraptor: I'm not insulting anyone, I'm just not a fan of live autobio. / T-Rex: ", he said. / T-Rex: ! / T-Rex: I'm not really sure how I did that!! / T-Rex: I'm REALLY NOT SURE how that happened
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1591
occam's razor OF REVENGE is very simple, entities that allow revenge should not be multiplied beyond necessity T-Rex: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. / T-Rex: That's Newton's third law o' motion! / T-Rex: And it means that when I slam into a wall and bounce off and hurt myself, I'm not sore because the wall is solid. I'm sore because the wall hits me - LITERALLY hits me! The wall DECIDES to hit me back with exactly as much force as I hit it with, and I'm the one who gets hurt! / Utahraptor: The wall hit you, but "decide" is misleading! The wall didn't make any decisions. / T-Rex: Man, how do we know?! / T-Rex: We call it Newton's LAW because all matter in the Universe follows it. But maybe every atom of matter in the universe is imbued with JUST enough consciousness to decide to be a retaliatory dick every chance it gets! / Utahraptor: That's magical thinking, T-Rex. / T-Rex: Utahraptor, I can live in a world of immutable scientific laws, or I can live in a world where I need to revenge myself on my kitchen floor because it smashed up a glass I dropped. / T-Rex: Wait, when I put it that way it sounds kinda dumb!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1592
 
DELETED PHRASE: "the company did not respond by press time": any phrase that can meaningfully be employed after I say "Hey, do you have any comments?" and the company says "Well, actuall- " and I say "Too late!!" is not one worth putting in your article; Narrator: PHRASES THAT MEAN NOTHING COMICS / Narrator: "INSPIRED BY A TRUE STORY" / T-Rex: Anything can be "inspired" by a true story! One day I pooped to the moon. / T-Rex: INSPIRED BY A TRUE STORY?? / NARRATOR: "AWARD-WINNING" / T-Rex: There are awards for everything awarded by everyone, and if you don't specify I'm going to assume you won the "Worse Than Hitler Award For Real Terribleness". Unless it's the Nobel or the Pulitzer I'm really not interested! / Utahraptor: Hey T-Rex, want to try my Pultizer-prize winning clam chowder? / T-Rex: Yes! See? YES. / T-Rex: THAT'S the sort of dinner experience that gets people's attention. That is the sort of dinner experience you put on your resume!! / T-Rex & Utahraptor: Proudly!! / Narrator: SOON: / T-Rex: This chowder is good, but now I'm uncomfortably remembering how they only give out Pulitzers for books and stuff. No chowders. / Utahraptor: The story of how delicious this chowder IS is what won the award. / T-Rex: Of course!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1593
it was a four-way tie between "it only costs $50 bucks" and "it only costs 50 bucks" and "it only costs fifty bucks" and "it only costs $fifty bucks". T-Rex: So, hey, it turns out you can nominate yourself for a Pulitzer prize. / T-Rex: And it only costs fifty bucks! / T-Rex: This is AMAZING, Dromiceiomimus! Anything I write can be entered for a PULITZER PRIZE! / Dromiceiomimus: While technically true, T-Rex, the awards are for Americans only, and most of the prizes are for reporting. / T-Rex: I'm not trying to WIN it, Dromiceiomimus. I'm just trying to drop "so hey, my DIARY is in the running for a Pulitzer Prize" into conversation! / T-Rex: Maybe I'll get nominated for a Nobel prize soon too! / Utahraptor: They privately ask scientists for nominations. / T-Rex: NO PROBLEM! We're tight with some scientists, right? Heck, we're tight with PROFESSOR SCIENCE. if anyone can nominate us for a Nobel prize, it's him! / Utahraptor: "We"? I'm included in this? / T-Rex: "Nomination For Best Wicked Sweet Friendship Between Two Dudes", my friend! / T-Rex: "Also: SCIENCE."
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1594
i keep reading "love safety" as "love safely", which is a euphemism for "having sex while using protection", where "protection" is a nested euphemism for a prophylactic that inhibits both pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. so KEEP THAT IN MIN Narrator: BIKING TIPS FOR TEENS / T-Rex: Teens! Do you love biking? Sure You Do! / T-Rex: You're a teen!! / T-Rex: But did you know that biking without a helmet can be dangerous? Actually biking with a helmet can be dangerous too. Biking, regardless of helmet status, can be dangerous. / Dromiceiomimus: Getting out of bed can be dangerous. / T-Rex: Getting out of bed can be dangerous, teens!! / Utahraptor: Who are you talking to? There's - there's no teens here. / T-Rex: But there might be teens ABOUT here! / T-Rex: You know, teens walking by on their way to somewhere else. / Utahraptor: Eavesdropping teens. / T-Rex: Yes! Eavesdropping teens who'll overhear our conversation and say "Holy smokes! I'd better learn to love safety!" and then, they go and learn to love safety. / T-Rex: Do they do it in the comfort of their own home? Do they do it in the "skate park"? Who knows?! They're teens! / Utahraptor: Wow, when did you become an old man, T-Rex? / T-Rex: It is something I am experimenting with
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1595
okay, new question: let's say you can live inside any person in history T-Rex: Let's say you can live in any time period in history. Which period do you choose? / T-Rex: I choose the future! / T-Rex: Or at least, I did choose the future until I realized that things might not ACTUALLY be better down the road. If I lived 300 years from now, I could be living in a post apocalyptic time where most life has been obliterated by a catastrophic asteroid impact - an impact so large that enough dirt has been thrown into the sky to BLOCK OUT THE SUN, disrupting the entire food chain and causing mass extin- / T-Rex: Anyway, that's a possibility or whatever!! / Utahraptor: So the past is the only safe choice. / T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: But then I thought, well, there's a lot we don't know about the past either. And I wouldn't want to choose a time where it turns out nobody could make poop jokes or they'd go to jail and also nobody thought to write any of this down, so the whole deal is lost to history! / Utahraptor: So - that leaves the present? / T-Rex: No, that leaves us with changing the question so we can live in any time period, real OR imagined. I choose the time when everyone's awesome knights! / T-Rex: ...IN SPACE. / T-Rex: ...ENCLOSED IN STARSHIPS SO WE DON'T DIE.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1596
A green dinosaur discusses his love of external holiday illumination and learns about actions having consequences T-Rex: I used to be against people who left their Christmas lights up on their houses all year long. It was lazy, I said! / T-Rex: Like this: / T-Rex: That's LAZY! / T-Rex: But then I realized one of the things I most look forward to about December is going on walks at night and seeing everything lit up. And it would be rad if we did that all the time! / Dromiceiomimus: You don't think permanent lights are less special? / T-Rex: Sure, but I don't like them because they're SPECIAL. I like them because they're awesome! / Utahraptor: Ah yes, the ineffable appeal of an plastic snowman punctuating a July lawn! / T-Rex: OKAY, some folks are tacky. / T-Rex: But some are totally rad! You know when the edge of a house is lined with lights, so from a distance it looks like a solid wireframe model? / Utahraptor: Yep! / T-Rex: ...I like those ones. / Narrator: LATER: T-REX'S EXTRAVAGENT CHRISTMAS LIGHTS LEAD TO A LARGE ELECTRICITY BILL / T-Rex: I'm so tired of all my actions having consequences! / T-Rex: OH MY GOD, is there SERIOUSLY no room on this planet for a dude who loves actions but hates their consequences??
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1597
 
cakes that are just cake on the inside: so 2009; holy crap dudes we are almost living in 2010!! Raccoons and cephalopods: HI NEIGHBOUR! CAN WE BORROW A CUP OF FLOUR? / T-Rex: Gah! What? What for? / Raccoons and cephalopods:T-REX, YOU - / Raccoons and cephalopods: YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW / T-Rex: Man, screw those guys! If these raccoons and cephalopods want to unsettle me, they should know that "you really don't want to know" line was NEVER scary. It's not going to work! They need more than a cliche phrase to scare me, Dromiceiomimus! / Dromiceiomimus: What possible scary use could flour have? / T-Rex: Exactly! / Utahraptor: So if flour isn't scary, then MAYBE - just MAYBE - they were simply short of flour? / T-Rex: Impossible. / T-Rex: Look, I know you want to take their side, Utahraptor, but there's no way those guys were - what, baking me a cake and suddenly ran short of flour? They're planning something. / Utahraptor: If I were you I'd be polite when they show up with a cake! / T-Rex: It's not gonna happen! / Narrator: LATER: / Raccoons and cephalopods: SURPRISE, T-REX! WE BAKED YOU A CAKE, SHAPED LIKE AN UNCANNY VALLEY VERSION OF YOU. / T-Rex: Huh! Um, thanks! / Raccoons and cephalopods: AND INSTEAD OF CAKE ON THE INSIDE, THERE'S REAL ORGANS! / Raccoons and cephalopods: SOME OF THE ORGANS ARE FULL
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1598
cakes that are just cake on the inside: so 2009; holy crap dudes we are almost living in 2010!! Raccoons and cephalopods: HI NEIGHBOUR! CAN WE BORROW A CUP OF FLOUR? / T-Rex: Gah! What? What for? / Raccoons and cephalopods:T-REX, YOU - / Raccoons and cephalopods: YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW / T-Rex: Man, screw those guys! If these raccoons and cephalopods want to unsettle me, they should know that "you really don't want to know" line was NEVER scary. It's not going to work! They need more than a cliche phrase to scare me, Dromiceiomimus! / Dromiceiomimus: What possible scary use could flour have? / T-Rex: Exactly! / Utahraptor: So if flour isn't scary, then MAYBE - just MAYBE - they were simply short of flour? / T-Rex: Impossible. / T-Rex: Look, I know you want to take their side, Utahraptor, but there's no way those guys were - what, baking me a cake and suddenly ran short of flour? They're planning something. / Utahraptor: If I were you I'd be polite when they show up with a cake! / T-Rex: It's not gonna happen! / Narrator: LATER: / Raccoons and cephalopods: SURPRISE, T-REX! WE BAKED YOU A CAKE, SHAPED LIKE AN UNCANNY VALLEY VERSION OF YOU. / T-Rex: Huh! Um, thanks! / Raccoons and cephalopods: AND INSTEAD OF CAKE ON THE INSIDE, THERE'S REAL ORGANS! / Raccoons and cephalopods: SOME OF THE ORGANS ARE FULL
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1598
alternate endings involved trying to decide between duress phrase candidates "condition green", "condition omega alert", and "dude you sound turdly" T-Rex: Oh frig, you guys!! / T-Rex: We don't have a duress phrase! / T-Rex: If I'm being forced to do something against my will, I need some way to covertly communicate that to you, Dromiceiomimus! Right now all I can say is "There is a dude here making me do stuff, and I do NOT count him among my friends", but they'd probably pick up on that. / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, you're huge! Who's going to force you to do anything? / T-Rex: Um, ENEMIES?? / Utahraptor: It IS pretty unlikely that you'd be made to call us under duress! / T-Rex: Maybe! / T-Rex: But having a phrase ready for such a situation would be SO AWESOME, USEFUL AND BADASS that we should have one anyway. Something unlikely to arouse suspicion, even in someone who knows us! / Utahraptor: "Feed the chickens and the dog"? / Utahraptor: We'd need to take up chicken husbandry, just to be safe. / T-Rex: [[Speechless]]
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1599
leafy greens the way brother lifeisrandom intended T-Rex: Folks say things like "Apples are a delicious gift from Mother Nature", or talk about how we can use things in the way Mother Nature intended. / T-Rex: That's WEIRD, you guys! / T-Rex: We have this "Mother Nature" metaphor that we all share but rarely consider critically, and it has all these connotations that are sublimated into our lives and thinking! It suggests the planet tries to care for us as a mother would, sure, but it also suggests that plants and animals are provided by this mother with the intent of our nourishment, and that nature can carry parental authority! / T-Rex: I say we adopt some new metaphors, cats and kittens!! / Utahraptor: Like what? "Father B. Planet"? / T-Rex: No, that's the worst name I've ever heard. / T-Rex: I was thinking more like Brother Entropy or Uncle Everybodydies! You know? "Apples are a delicious gift from Aunt Thestrongwilleattheweak." / Utahraptor: "Let's restore the beach to the way Sister Therearediseasesyoucantevensee intended." / T-Rex: "Climate change hurts Cousin Theplanetwontnoticeifwealldietomorrow"!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1600
i would call it "chez descrimimation against uggos" T-Rex: You know what'd be great? A restaurant that serves gourmet versions of classic comfort foods, like burgers and fish and chips! / God, off-panel: THAT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE T-REX / T-Rex: Aw man, really? / T-Rex: Oh! You mean it's been done in alternate timelines or in the distant past, because, as God, you have access to all possibilities ever. / God, off-panel: NO I MEAN IT'S GOING ON RIGHT NOW / God, off-panel: LITERALLY RIGHT NOW THERE IS A RESTAURANT 60 METERS AWAY FROM YOU THAT IS SERVING THESE EXACT DISHES / T-Rex: ...Huh. / Utahraptor: So much for original ideas, huh? / T-Rex: It's okay, though! / T-Rex: I wasn't saying the idea to be ORIGINAL. I was saying the idea because it's a restaurant I'd like to patronize, and now that it exists, I intend to patronize it! / Utahraptor: Alright, I'll join you. / T-Rex and Utahraptor: Gourmet burgers, here we come! / Narrator: SOON: / T-Rex: You know what'd be great, Chef? / Chef, off-panel: Patrons who don't barge into the kitchen? / T-Rex: Weird, I was thinking a restaurant where you don't have to pay if you're super handsome
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1601
MORRIS I LOVE YOU Morris: hey there t-rex, how are you doin'? it's me, morris / T-Rex: Morris the tiny bug, it's been a while! How are you? / Morris: oh i'm fine, t-rex, it's very nice of you to ask / Morris: only to tell you the truth i'm not all that fine because i've been under a lot of stress lately! / T-Rex: Stress?! / Morris: oh, gosh, yes, i didn't even think things could get so stressful, but then they did! like for example i'm worried about how i'm ever gonna make friends when i get older. when you're just a kid, you've got people in your classes to hang out with and the best part is, every year you've got new classes and that means a heck of a lot of new friends! but when you're an adult you've got a job instead of class, and people don't normally change jobs every year from what i've seen, so maybe i'm wrong but it seems like if your old friends move away and you're not friends with the folks at work, then it might be awful hard to make new friends! / T-Rex: Aww, Morris, that's nothing you have to worry about now! / Utahraptor: Yeah, you won't have to deal with that until you're way older! / Morris: but doesn't it worry you fellas to have problems waiting for you like that? / Morris: if i have a problem, my parents and role models always tell me that it's best to face it head on, rather than ignoring it and hoping it'll get better all on its own! because sometimes, that doesn't happen, and then you've got an even bigger problem to deal with! and that's just the worst / Utahraptor: Well, that's right, but if you ever find yourself in this situation, you can just join a club or a team and meet new people that way! / Morris: shucks utahraptor, that's awful good advice, but wouldn't you end up liking your free time but then feeling bad taht you have to spend the biggest part of your day with folks that aren't even your friends? and it really doesn't seem like you're allowed to ask how friendly folks are during a job interview / T-Rex: Morris, I guess sometimes your problems really ARE difficult! / Morris: oh gosh, t-rex / Morris: don't i know it
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1602
 

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