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dudes why are there no cyborgs yet. come on, dudes. T-Rex: Dudes! / T-Rex: Why are there not cyborgs yet? / T-Rex: Every day we're closer to the future, and YET, every day I have to watch movies to see a cyborg rebelling against purely organic life, instead of just looking out my dang window! It's just - I don't want to have to sit my grandchildren down on my knees, pull them close, and tell them that our generation dropped the ball, so THEY'LL have to be the ones to pull out their eyes and stuff the holes with cameras and little red LEDs. / Utahraptor: No child ever wants to hear their grandfather tell them that. / T-Rex: This is what I'm saying! / Utahraptor: But I take it you don't count people with artificial organs as cyborgs. / T-Rex: Nope! As the sayings go, "Claims of cyborgnicity are lies until you can see incandescent red eyes", and "All cyborgs are null until you can see a chrome, gleaming partially exposed skull" / T-Rex: I have always thought them to be remarkably poorly constructed sayings
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1421
this comic establishes in continuity that t-rex refers to his fingers as "pinkie" and "thumb". so um, neither name makes a lick of sense T-Rex: Cell phones built into your friggin' hands! / T-Rex: IT'S THE FUTURE! / T-Rex: You'll think, "Hey, I wanna call Ricky!" and then, digits will glow on your palm. you punch them in and then make your hand into a phone shape! Talk into your pinkie while listening on your thumb, and when you're done, you just mime hanging up! That's the future, my friends. Cell phones built into our friggin' hands! / T-Rex: Um, in the future it will ALSO be very easy to PRETEND you have a cell phone. / Utahraptor: I'm afraid you're making the #1 mistake in predicting the future, T-Rex! / T-Rex: What's that? / Utahraptor: Only extending existing technology forward. Why are we till shackled to the cell phone interface? It's a thought-activated process, so why do we have to dial? And if we're implanting stuff, why not put the same sensors by the mouth and avoid the hands entirely? Plus, I mean, this way YOU could use the phone as well. / T-Rex: ! / T-Rex: Is that racist??
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1422
now you never have to admit that you've never committed any poems to memory! YOU JUST DID T-Rex: Okay, so I've been down on poems in the past. I MAY have been heard to remark "Guys, poetry bloetries." But I've just discovered: / T-Rex: Poems likely predate the written word! / T-Rex: It makes sense when you think about it. Before writing, the only way to keep track of something is to memorize it! And if you're memorizing something in POEM form, then you can automatically incorporate structure to the language: say, rhyming couplets. And that structure gives you something to jog your memory if you forget! The result is that structured narrative poetry can be much easier to remember than just free verse. / Utahraptor: So poems could be among the earliest, most practical forms of communication! / T-Rex: Yes! / T-Rex: And this is why I feel bad! I didn't know that I was making fun of one of the Elder Gods of language! I thought I was making fun of "The smelly dog who pooed / Has spied me in the nude". / Utahraptor: So now more respect for poetry? / T-Rex: I promise it!! / Narrator: THE END / Narrator: BONUS PANEL: THE COMPLETE TEXT OF "THE SMELLY DOG WHO POOED"! / T-Rex: The smelly dog who pooed / Has spied me in the nude / I say to him "Hark! Who goes?" / T-Rex: I think the smell comes out his nose
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1423
"i've saved $3.55 in my life. $3.55 in 80 years. :0" T-Rex: Conceptual metaphors are those that allow us to understand one idea in terms of another! They inform the language we use when talking about all sorts of concepts, and are almost subconscious. / T-Rex: For example: "LIFE IS A JOURNEY"! / T-Rex: People use this metaphor all the time, all talkin' about "going places in life," "getting a head start in life," "being at a crossroads," and so on. It's so entrenched that to talk about life using another metaphor seems odd! For example, saying "I've saved $3.55 in life" sounds weird, but only because I'm using the much less popular "LIFE IS A DISCOUNT STORE WITH SALES THAT CAN OCCASIONALLY BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF" metaphor. / Utahraptor: Are there other metaphors like this? / T-Rex: Oh, tons! / T-Rex: "Burning with desire and "warming up to someone"? That's "AFFECTION IS HEAT." "Falling behind" at work before "catching up"? "SCHEDULES ARE MOVING OBJECTS." "You're in my way," "Get out of my way," and, ARGUABLY, "I've lost my way"? That's the classic "DIRECTION IS A BUCKET THAT PEOPLE KEEP SNEAKING INTO." / T-Rex: In conclusion, cognitive linguists love conceptual metaphors because they allow us to describe direction as an intensely desirable giant bucket. / T-Rex: The end!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1424
He has "hung a lampshade" on it, if you will, allowing us all to move on. Good job, Shakespeare! Once again you have saved the play T-Rex: Lampshade hanging is when you've got something hella dumb in your story, but then Shakespeare shows up and says "Forsooth, guys, that's dumb" and then the audience accepts it! / T-Rex: BECAUSE WHO WOULD ARGUE WITH FRIGGIN' SHAKESPEARE?? / Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS today's technique: LAMPSHADE HANGING / T-Rex: Shakespeare has drawn attention to the hella dumb, and in doing so, addresses and placates audience concern! / Utahraptor: Sure! / Utahraptor: But any character can pull that off. It doesn't have to be Shakespeare. / T-Rex: It doesn't hurt! If a random character says "that's dumb", I'll listen. But if SHAKESPEARE says it, I'm spitting out my drink and saying "Wow, Shakespeare!! I'd better listen to THIS line of dialogue right away!" / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND: / T-Rex: Shakespeare, you should have a line that says "Forsooth, if this were in a play, I'd want my tuppence back!" / Shakespeare: t-rex / Shakespeare: who told you all we tudor england people say is "forsooth" / Shakespeare: because that is RACIST
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1425
 
my father wanted a comic about this for his birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD. T-Rex: Ssh! Come closer! / T-Rex: I know yet more secrets! / T-Rex: Yet more SECRETS of the MEDICAL PROFESSION! / T-Rex: Okay, so let's say you're a dude or lady who often is called upon to perform CPR on someone in cardiac arrest. Nice. YOU'RE A HANDY PERSON TO HAVE AROUND. When performing CPR, you're aiming for 100 chest compressions per minute, but this is an awkward rate to hit. HOWEVER, if you hum Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust", you'll be fine! The song is simple, catchy, memorable, AND has a steady beat that runs, as it turns out, at exactly 100 beats a minute. / Utahraptor: So the professional performing CPR on me is thinking "Bum bum bum / Another one bits the dust"? / T-Rex: Quite possibly! / T-Rex: And if I ever need to perform CPR on you, you can bet I'LL be belting it out at the top of my lungs. / Utahraptor: T-Thanks? / T-Rex: No worries, man! I've got your back. Listen. It'll be a great show. / T-Rex: Although, I MIGHT change the lyrics to "Hey there guys / You know what would be great? / If this guy / would cardiopulmonarily resuscitate" / T-Rex: We share the laughter AND the tears, Utahraptor.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1426
TWO WAYS TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS. just two. T-Rex: Guys, there are basically a billion different ways to make new friends! / Narrator: TWO WAYS TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS / T-Rex: Okay there are at least two ways to make new friends. One way is to look at the friends your existing friends already have, and then pick out/up the most awesome ones from those! This algorithm allows you to grow your network of friends in much the same way that ANY NUMBER of deadly diseases reproduce! / Dromiceiomimus: You need a seed friend, though! / T-Rex: True! / T-Rex: And that brings us to method one: online dating! / Utahraptor: But that results in spouses, not buddies! / T-Rex: Not NECESSARILY: Look up profiles, find someone interesting and date 'em, and then say that you "just want to be friends"! Kapow: INSTANT FRIENDSHIP THAT'LL LAST A LIFETIME. / Utahraptor: Friendship, founded on deceit and romantic frustration. / T-Rex: No deceit with me, baby! I use the lines sincerely! / T-Rex: If I just want to be friends, I just want to be friends! And if I'm saying "It's not you, it's me", then I'm also saying. "Frig, man, I've got to go pull myself together! I'm dropping the ball here, and it's REALLY not fair to you." / T-Rex: "P.S. Let's make out."
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1427
If anything, we can say that lasting peace is rare. But over and over throughout history, just when it appears to be within reach, we seem to collectively shrug our shoulders and say, "Naw, forget it." T-Rex: There are tons of phrases in the English language that I can never use because they've already been claimed by someone else! / T-Rex: What the heck English? / T-Rex: If I want to give a very serious and momentous speech about the history of war, I can! But if I also want it to begin with "Now this is a story all about how some lives got flipped, turned upside down"? I CAN'T. It is a perfectly awesome introductory phrase that is forbidden to me - unless I'm cool with my audience and being distracted by thoughts of young Willard Smith! Fresh Prince used scorched earth tactics when withdrawing from the phrase. / Utahraptor: Why don't you just ignore all that and use it anyway? / T-Rex: It doesn't work! / T-Rex: Even if I'M ignoring it, my audience won't know to! I'll be explaining the origins of conflict as hard as I friggin' can, but they'll all be hopelessly distracted by thoughts of chillin' out, maxin' out, relaxin' all cool and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school! / Utahraptor: Well then - phrase it differently! / Narrator: SPEECH DAY / T-Rex: The history of war is a journey. A narrative. A story that, at its core, is all about how some lives become turned upside-down by conflict: "flipped" if you will. / T-Rex: FRIG IT'S STILL A REFERENCE.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1428
if i get audited in the future i'm blaming this comic SO HARD T-Rex: Alright everyone! / T-Rex: Let's do our friggin' TAXES! / T-Rex: Woooo / LATER: / T-Rex: So um it appears taxes are not as fun as I expected. / Dromiceiomimus: How fun did you expect them to be? / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I expected nothing less than the fun of a job well done! / Utahraptor: And...? / Utahraptor: Did you do them well? / T-Rex: Man, who can say? / T-Rex: There's no feedback at the end: no "B+ try harder next time", no "PURR-FECT WORK" sticker and then there's a picture of a cat! / T-Rex: There's just the knowledge that audits can happen for any reason, AND the knowledge that there's no statute of limitations for tax fraud, even accidental, and that the only other crime with such status is MURDER. / T-Rex: Woooo
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1429
i wrote this whole comic before actually thinking to check that st. patrick lived before the 1200s. turns out he lived from around 387 AD to 461 AD! thanks, st. patrick! YOU SAVED ME FROM HAVING TO SCRAP A COMEDIC PREMISE Narrator: IT'S ST. PATRICK'S DAY! / Narrator: HERE ARE SOME FACTS ABOUT ST. PATRICK'S DAY! / T-Rex: Did you know that St. Patrick used to be associated with the color BLUE? / T-Rex: It's true! You travel back in time to the 1200s and you say "What color goes with St. Patrick?" and they'll answer "blue"! Eventually. First you'll need to figure out how to communicate with the people there: their vowels will sound all crazy to your ears. Plus, assuming you're in an English speaking part of the world- and there were a lot fewer of them then- the language was way more Germanic than what you're used to. / T-Rex: You're right in the middle of Middle English, my friend! / Utahraptor: And it was really fragmented back then! / Utahraptor: The British will end up creating a Standard English just to ensure that government communication can be READ outside of London. / T-Rex: But not until the 1400s, so if you're in the 1200s and nobody understands you, you could always wander around, find another dialect group, and try again! / T-Rex: Anyway yeah now St. Patrick's color is green
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1430
 
i call this comic, "the one i wrote wednesday morning, shortly after chartering a helicopter ride for two" T-Rex: I have no plans for tonight. Will this TRULY be another night of staying in, solitude, and quiet contemplation of my life thus far? / T-Rex: Forget that!! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, let's do something tonight! Something awesome! / Dromiceiomimus: What did you have in mind? / T-Rex: Something! ANYTHING. We're awesome AND we have disposable income - why do we have dull evenings? Why aren't we taking helicopter rides to the grocery store? Why aren't we WHITE WATER RAFTING into our friggin' jobs? / Utahraptor: Wow. Today is the day you become old, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Not true!! / Utahraptor: My friend, you took helicopter rides and white water rafting, two awesome things, and the best you could imagine to do with them was commute and buy your groceries? THOSE ARE OLD PEOPLE DREAMS. / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: daaaaaamn
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1431
for those not keeping track of t-rex's nicknames for his fists, they run as follows: knuckles and chuckles; rocco and choco: the twins! who! punch!; the chinese buffet; geraldine and geraldina; and now, plans b through c. T-Rex: Man, I'm not old! I do tons of stuff that's not old people stuff! Do old people knock back extremely sour gumballs like they were regular gumballs? / T-Rex: If they do, they're not doing it around me! / T-Rex: Do old people stomp on things in their way instead of walking slowly around them? Do old people solve their problems with their fists? I have never seen an elderly gentleman solve problems with his fists! / Dromiceiomimus: I've never seen you solve problems with your fists either, actuall! / T-Rex: Then you must not've been looking, Dromiceiomimus! My left fist is called "Plan B" because it solves so many problems! / Utahraptor: And what's your right fist called? / T-Rex: "Plan C!" / T-Rex: It's put into action in the event that Plan B fails. ONLY IT'S NEVER BEEN USED BECAUSE PLAN B NEVER FAILS!! / Utahraptor: And this makes you not old. / T-Rex: Yep! I'm young because MY body parts still have nicknames. / Narrator: LATER: REGRET / T-Rex: ... Man, it would have been way funnier if I'd nicknamed my WEINER "Plan B"! Every time someone said "Let's take a close look at Plan B", I could've laughed and laughed! / T-Rex: *sigh*
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1432
puppyocracies OH MY GOODNESS WHO HAS THE BALANCE OF POWER AND SUCH A CUTE LITTLE NOSE T-Rex: If someone were to ask me what my favourite suffix is, I would answer them without hesitation: "-cracy"! / T-Rex: IT TURNS ANYTHING INTO A GOVERNMENT. / T-Rex: If you really like sandwiches, all you have to do is think "sandwichocracy", and hey presto, your ideal system of government is right there! If you love yourself, an autocracy is what's perfect for you, mister! And et's say you love action figures. / Dromiceiomimus: "Actionfigureocracy"? / T-Rex: WHY THE HECK NOT?? / Utahraptor: You'd really choose "-cracy" over "-tastic"? / T-Rex: Any day, my friend! / T-Rex: You could say, "Hey, imagine something awesometastic" and I can say, "Wait, imagine an awesomeocracy instead!" and then everyone will imagine my thing instead because it's better. Plus, "-cracy" INCLUDES "-tastic". All sandwichocracies are sandwichtastic, but not all things sandwichtastic are a sandwichocracy! / God: T-REX WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THE UNIVERSE WAS JUST A TEST TO SEE IF "SANDWICHOCRACY" AND "SANDWICHTASTIC" WOULD EVER BE USED IN A SENTENCE / T-Rex: I would tell you it's been a rousing success!! / God: YOU WOULDN'T THINK IT WAS A BIT OF A LET DOWN AT THE END THEN HUH
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1433
i was going to tell you the hapax legomenon i found in dinosaur comics so far, but if i did so it would no longer be the case. it would become a self-unfulfilling prophecy! T-Rex: Let's say I decide to say a word only once in my ENTIRE life. That's a hapax legomenon! / Narrator: HAPAX LEGOMENON / Narrator: "just as cool as it sounds" / T-Rex: Hapax legomenons are words that are only said once by someone! They're also words that only appear once a book, or even once in the ENTIRE RECORDS OF A LANGUAGE. Like "gopherwood"! It only shows up ONCE in both the Bible AND in the entire writtern record of Classical Hebrew. That's one heck of a hapax! / Utahraptor: What does it mean? / T-Rex: Nobody knows! It's a kind of wood? Probably? / T-Rex: It's there because God's all "NOAH BUILD AN ARK OUT OF GOPHERWOOD OKAY" but now we're all, "what? Um, maybe he meant cypress wood? Did somebody transcribe this friggin' poorly?" It's cool how unlikely we are to ever discover anything new about a hapax! / Utahraptor: Its precise meaning will forever remain a mystery! / God: T-REX GOPHERWOOD IS JUST WOOD THAT WAS PEED ON BY A GOPHER / God: I CONFESS I FIND THE SCENT / God: INTOXICATING / T-Rex: YES ITS PRECISE MEANING WILL FOREVER REMAIN A MYSTERY
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1434
anyway. turns out that t-rex is ACTUALLY mad at a wide cross-section of history T-Rex: It's not that hard to be creative! But sometimes when I come up with a joke, I find out it's already been invented in the past, and it's always by the same dead guy! I now have a beef with this dead person. You'd best watch out... / T-Rex: ...OSCAR WILDE! / T-Rex: Man, Oscar! Here's a guy who's been taking the credit for TONS of great jokes that I would have come up with if he hadn't done so first. Telling a border guard "I have nothing to declare except my genius"? I TOTALLY WOULD'VE COME UP WITH THAT IF IT HAD NOT ALREADY BEEN COME UP WITH. "I'm not young enough to know everything"? THAT PROBABLY WOULD'VE BEEN MY BON MOT. Wilde's the most egregious preemptive plagiarizer of my funny jokes ever! / Utahraptor: You're not mad at Oscar Wilde, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Pretty sure I am, Utahraptor! / Utahraptor: No, you're mad at J. M. "Peter Pan" Barrie for the young one, and at some anonymous wag for the genius one - nobody's found a reliable link to Oscar for it. He just gets the credit! / T-Rex: Huh. Okay, I'LL be the guy who's mad at all the UNWARRANTED credit Wilde gets, then. / Utahraptor: "If with the literate I am/ Impelled to try an epigram,/ I never seek to take the credit; / We all assume that Oscar said it." - Dorothy Parker. / T-Rex: FRIG. / T-Rex: ...I'm going home to never do anything original again, okay?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1435
 
my brother and i came up with zombie-themed fresh prince of bel-air lyrics last night, but the only real standout was "i got one little bite and my mom got scared" T-Rex: What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger! / T-Rex: Is that... medicine? / T-Rex: I know it doesn't work in all cases, or maybe even MOST cases, but it works with vaccination, right? A weaker version of the disease teaches your body to fight the real deal. So what I'm wondering is if I ate something disgusting, does that, you know... level me up for some REALLY insanely disgusting things in the future? / Utahraptor: You mean in terms of protection against disease, or in terms of adjusting your taste? / T-Rex: Both, I guess! / SUDDENLY, EVERYONE REVEALS THEIR SECRET MOTIVATIONS! / T-Rex: There were some dead moths in my cereal this morning, and I'm hoping there's some way I can turn this into a positive event. / Utahraptor: I'm intrigued because the same thing also happened to me this morning! / God: MAN THAT'S CRAZY THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME TODAY TOO / God: I SAID / God: WHAT THE HECK / God: AND THEN I SAID / God: I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD TO EAT
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1436
am i to understand the operating room also has something dangerous that can be laughed at AND a business card printing machine? because if so that is an operation room that is very convenient in some very unexpected ways T-Rex: Attention, please, everyone! I've done some reading about the brain and I discovered there's a part of it called the "amygdala"! / T-Rex: And the amygdala is responsible for FEAR RESPONSE! / T-Rex: This is amazing! I had NO IDEA fear was localized to a single location. This opens up whole new avenues in the field of toughening up the very scareable: just open up their brain and remove their amygdala, and it's an instant fearectomy! They'll wake up from surgery, shake your hand, laugh in the face of danger, and then get business cards that say "PHYSICALLY UNABLE TO EXPERIENCE FEAR". / Utahraptor: That's like solving a problem of high blood pressure by removing the heart, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Only analogously! / Utahraptor: The amygdala doesn't just do fear, anyway: it's also responsible for long-term memory rentention! The more emotional the memory, the better it's stored. If you lose it you also lose the ability to learn from feelings! / T-Rex: Hah! NOT A PROBLEM. You know all I've ever learnt from feelings? / Narrator: ALL T-REX HAS EVER LEARNT FROM FEELINGS: / T-Rex: "Being sad sucks"
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1437
the first draft of this comic had the wrong "who's" in it. I KNOW. T-Rex: I know that getting a transplant is serious business, and that it can be a traumatic event. / T-Rex: But it's also kind of awesome! / T-Rex: If you've got a transplant, it's like you've leveled up! AS A PERSON. The rest of us are stuck with the genes we were born with, but you've got SELECTION. You're made out of the best parts of other people! / Dromiceiomimus: It's one way of looking at it! / T-Rex: It's the BEST way of looking at it! Plus, anyone who's had a limb or organ transplant is way more mysterious. / Utahraptor: How do you figure? / T-Rex: Listen. I can tell you what my left hand has been up to for most of my life. / T-Rex: But if I had a transplant, I'd have no idea. There'd be a part of my body with a WHOLE DIFFERENT HISTORY than the rest of me: how is that not awesome? / Utahraptor: I imagine it'd raise some issues of identity and self... / T-Rex: I imagine it'd raise some issues of WHAT AWESOME THINGS MY HAND HAS BEEN UP TO! / T-Rex: Oh man!! Imagine if my LIVER came from an axe murderer? MINE WOULD BE THE LIVER THAT'S DANGEROUS TO KNOW, and my philosophy would be "If you're not interesting, at least have parts of you that are!" / T-Rex: ...Hey, do you want to swap feet sometime?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1438
the first draft of this comic had the wrong "who's" in it. I KNOW. T-Rex: I know that getting a transplant is serious business, and that it can be a traumatic event. / T-Rex: But it's also kind of awesome! / T-Rex: If you've got a transplant, it's like you've leveled up! AS A PERSON. The rest of us are stuck with the genes we were born with, but you've got SELECTION. You're made out of the best parts of other people! / Dromiceiomimus: It's one way of looking at it! / T-Rex: It's the BEST way of looking at it! Plus, anyone who's had a limb or organ transplant is way more mysterious. / Utahraptor: How do you figure? / T-Rex: Listen. I can tell you what my left hand has been up to for most of my life. / T-Rex: But if I had a transplant, I'd have no idea. There'd be a part of my body with a WHOLE DIFFERENT HISTORY than the rest of me: how is that not awesome? / Utahraptor: I imagine it'd raise some issues of identity and self... / T-Rex: I imagine it'd raise some issues of WHAT AWESOME THINGS MY HAND HAS BEEN UP TO! / T-Rex: Oh man!! Imagine if my LIVER came from an axe murderer? MINE WOULD BE THE LIVER THAT'S DANGEROUS TO KNOW, and my philosophy would be "If you're not interesting, at least have parts of you that are!" / T-Rex: ...Hey, do you want to swap feet sometime?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1438
anyway i'm off to the chocolate factory!! LATER SUCKERS God: T-REX, HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEWS? / T-Rex: No, what news? / God: I MADE BRUSSEL SPROUTS TASTE BETTER. / T-Rex: Amazing! / God: ACTUALLY NO I DIDN'T BUT I SAID I DID BECAUSE OF APRIL FOOLS' DAY / T-Rex: Man! / Dromiceiomimus: Hey T-Rex, I wanted you to know: I won a little bit of money in the lottery and I want to share it with you! / T-Rex: Really? This isn't just an Apr- / Dromiceiomimus: April Fools'! / T-Rex: Maaan! / Utahraptor: T-Rex, do you want to go visit the chocolate factory? / T-Rex: Yes, I do!! / T-Rex: This is a total reasonable thing for us to do. It is ENTIRELY PLAUSIBLE. Even if you meant it as a joke, let's just do it! Let's go visit the chocolate factory! / Utahraptor: April Fools'! / T-Rex: MAAAAAAN!! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Attention, lexographers!! / T-Rex: Instead of April Fools' Day, we ought to call it "Disappointment Wednesday"
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1439
i'm not looking to blame. i just want to talk to whoever's doing it. Narrator: PHRASES THAT NEED TO BE USED MORE / T-Rex: Here are some phrases that we need to be saying more often, cats and kittens! / Narrator: "CATS AND KITTENS" / T-Rex: See? I'M ALREADY HELPING. / Narrator: "SMOKIN' BOD" / T-Rex: People should compliment me on my smokin' bod more often! I WILL GLADLY DO THE SAME. / Dromiceiomimus: You have a smokin' bod, T-Rex! / T-Rex: THANK YOU, Dromiceiomimus! You have a smokin' bod as well! / T-Rex/Dromiceiomimus: Wooo! / Narrator: "FRIENDLY GOOD TIMES" / Utahraptor: This phrase can be used in reference to friendly good times! / T-Rex: And how! / Narrator: "I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING" / T-Rex: Nothing bad ever happens when you eat the whole thing, you guys! It doesn't matter what thing it is. I've NEVER had negative consequences from doing this. / Utahraptor: Really? / T-Rex: None that I care to remember, Utahraptor!! / Narrator: "WHO PUT POOPS IN MY BREAKFAST" / T-Rex: Hey. It'll be better for all of us if we just find out who's doing it.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1440
 
"cutting crew" has died tonight. in your arms. in their dying breath, they speculate that it was something you said. T-Rex: Hey, here's a fact! Power ballads are the best sort of ballads. FACT. / Narrator: COMPRESSED SONG COMICS / Narrator: today's songs: / Narrator: POWER BALLADS / Narrator: "I'VE HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE" / T-Rex: Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes have had the times of their respective lives! They're each the one thing the other can't get enough of - this could be love, Dromiceiomimus! / Dromiceiomimus: Okay, but they've probably both felt this way berfore. / T-Rex: NEVER!! / Narrator: "I JUST DIED IN YOUR ARMS TONIGHT" / Utahraptor: It's pretty much all in the title. Dude died tonight. In your arms! / T-Rex: INTENSE! / Narrator: "TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART" / T-Rex: Once upon a time Bonnie Tyler was falling in love, but now she's only falling apart! / Utahraptor: Is there anything she can do? / T-Rex: Hello?? It's a total eclipse of the heart! / Utahraptor: Ah, so there's nothing she can do. / Narrator: "I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS" / T-Rex: Lou Gramm wants to know what love is. He also wants to feel what love is. Finally, he wants you to show him what love is. / T-Rex: Lou Gramm, ladies and gentlemen!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1441
you know how friday's comic was all about power ballads? I AM STILL LISTENING TO POWER BALLADS AND HAVE NO REGRETS (ABOUT POWER BALLADS) T-Rex: So I am a guy who is really afraid of going crazy. I don't want to go crazy, okay guys?? / T-Rex: OKAY. / T-Rex: And I think I've figured out what part of my fear is about: causation! There's tons of mental illnesses where we can't find any reason for them to be happening and have no idea what's causing them. NOBODY KNOWS WHAT CAUSES SCHIZOPHRENIA. You can just wake up one day and say, oh damn dudes, I've got schizophrenia! HOW IS THAT NOT TERRIFYING? / Utahraptor: Physical diseases are like that too, T-Rex! / T-Rex: What? No they're not! / Utahraptor: Yeah, any disease can have an idiopathic version, meaning for all intents and purposes that it arises spontaneously, with no detectable physical cause. All we can do is shrug and try to treat the symptoms! / T-Rex: SERIOUSLY? / T-Rex: Oh my god being a physical being is such total baloney! / Narrator: THE END
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1442
welcome to "idio" theme week, here at chewbac.ca T-Rex: Today is the day I remove the word "prejudice" from my idiolect and replace it with the word "racist"! / T-Rex: YES. / T-Rex: Now if someone says "T-Rex, I just don't like apples", I'll say "Hey, That's RACIST." and when they say "What? That's not racist!" I'll reply with "The very fact that you're denying that it's racist is EVEN MORE RACIST!" / T-Rex: Will I be the most popular person ever? I can only speculate that the answer is yes!! / Utahraptor: How is it racist? Is the apple-hater of a minority creed or socio-economic group? / T-Rex: Oh my god! SO RACIST. / T-Rex: Everyone can hate apples, not just minorities! The very fact that you'd jump to that conclusion shows that you TRULY ARE history's greatest racist! / Utahraptor: I was just trying to figure out how this new "racist" thing worked! / T-Rex: Maybe next time you can do it by not DABBLING IN RACISM?? / T-Rex: Attention, audio diary! / T-Rex: Nobody comes to my friggin' parties anymore
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1443
now HERE is a first two panels business card T-Rex: Am I ever prepared for a mid-life crisis! I'm seriously ready. / T-Rex: BRING IT ON! / Dromiceiomimus: But what makes you think you're so prepared? / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I'm awesome! If I wake up one morning and think "What have I ever done with my life, have I ever really accomplished anything, OH GOD", then that thought will be followed by "Wait I forgot how awesome I am! NEVERMIND." / Dromiceiomimus: What if that second thought doesn't come though? / T-Rex: Impossible! A mid-life crisis is a crisis of confidence, and if there's one thing I've got, it's confidence! / Utahraptor: Really? / T-Rex: YES. Confidence in who I am, what I've done and where I'm going. And if there's two things I've got, it's confidence AND a bunch of burgers to eat when I get home! So do you wanna come over and eat burgers tonight or what, Utahraptor? / Utahraptor: Sure! / T-Rex: Excellent! / T-Rex: If there's THREE things I've got, it's confidence, burgers, and the mantra that "As bad as today gets, soon my stomach will be brimming with beef."
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1444
another good business card in the first two panels!! i am a business card MACHINE T-Rex: A creation myth! Frig! / T-Rex: THAT's what separates me from most major religions! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you gotta help me. I need a creation myth! / Dromiceiomimus: One day your parents had sex, and then later you showed up? / T-Rex: No no, it needs to be epic! It needs to stand up against stories from EVERY RELIGION EVER. / Dromiceiomimus: One day your parents had INSANELY EPIC SEX, and then later, you showed up? / T-Rex: Better! / T-Rex: And yet, somehow worse! / Utahraptor: We're trying to explain YOUR origin here? / T-Rex: Yep! / Utahraptor: Okay, but - the reason religions have creation myths is that they're addressing huge questions with no obvious answer. "Where did we all come from?" Everyone's pondered that question! "Where did that T-Rex guy come from?" is really only pondered by the other guy in the bathroom stall. / Offscreen guy from bathroom stall: He thought he was alone in there! / T-Rex: I GOT IT, THANKS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1445
 
alternate last panel: t-rex thanks god for his friendship and god says "thank YOU, t-rex" and then there's an extra panel where t-rex says "who says conflict is a necessary part of any narrative? NOT ME, BITCHES" T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for thanking my friends for their friendship! / T-Rex: Friendship Tuesday, everyone!! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I'm really glad we're friends. I like how we hang out and I like that we've shared so much together. So- thanks! / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I'm glad we're friends too! I like that we can talk about things without worrying about how it might look to someone else. / T-Rex: Excellent! / T-Rex: And I'm glad WE'RE friends as well, Utahraptor! / Utahraptor: Hey, me too! / T-Rex: Super! I've never said this, but I love how when you come over for dinner you always bring some wine. It's old-school classiness! / Utahraptor: My pleasure, T-Rex! I enjoy how when YOU come over, you always say "Thank you for inviting me into your home." It always sounds sincere! / God: I NOTICE THAT YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN TO THANK ME FOR MY FRIENDSHIP T-REX / T-Rex: I haven't forgotten! I was just, um, going to thank everyone else on the planet first? / God: T-REX LISTEN / God: WHEN YOU LIE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT SOUND BETTER THAN THE TRUTH
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1446
gary please to be getting your doctorate Voice: T-Rex, I want you to meet my friend Gary. Gary, this is T-Rex. / T-Rex: Pleased to meet you! / Gary: T-Rex, this is Gary Horses / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I had no idea that "Horses" was available as a last name. Me. Horses? I could be Mr. Horses? Why was I not told I could be Mr. Horses? / Dromiceiomimus: I believe you can change your name to whatever you want. / T-Rex: Yeah, but I didn't know "Horses" was an actual option! We live in a world where "Horses" is a real last name. How''d I miss that one? / Utahraptor: You don't even particularly like horses! / T-Rex: They're alright! They get by! / Utahraptor: Honestly. What happens if you change yoru last name and then you run into Gary Horses at a party? He'll know you stole his last name. / T-Rex: Please. When would I ever be likely to see him again? / Narrator: MANY YEARS LATER: / Voice" T-Rex, you remember my friend Gary Horses. / T-Rex: OMG MY GOD! / T-Rex: I CAN'T BELIEVE I TOTALLY FORGOT HOW AWESOME YOUR NAME WAS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1447
i did a search and nobody is calling bad baloney "failoney". what the heck, internet, you shouldn't need me to think up these permutations for you T-Rex: I'm going to say the word "baloney", so everyone who doesn't want to hear the word "baloney" should stop listening because here comes the word "baloney". / T-Rex: Taste is kind of baloney, you guys! / T-Rex: Delicious food is delicious, no matter how good or bad it is for me! Wouldn't it be so much better if how good a food tasted to me depended on how good the food was FOR me? Chocolate would taste worse the more I gorge on it, until I stopped out of disgust. And if I haven't had any vitamin A in a while, carrots would taste like friggin' MANNA. / Utahraptor: But then every time you'd eat something, you'd have no idea how it'll taste! / T-Rex: Sure! / T-Rex: But it's a feedback loop: your own body is training you on what it needs through the medium of taste! Eventually you'd know your own nutritional needs by PURE INTUITION. / Utahraptor: It is kind of baloney that poison can b e delicious. / T-Rex: This is what I'm saying! / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE FUTURE: / T-Rex: Wow, everyone should've just listened to me in the past because I still totally agree with what I was saying!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1448
who didn't need to consult a faq for the warp whistle location? ME, THAT'S WHO. take THAT, everyone else who would've had to consult a faq under similar circumstances T-Rex: It seems that, despite the "euphemisms" available to them, folks are still discussing feelings in a frank and straightforward manner. Please! You know why our ancestors crawled out of the ocean? / T-Rex: I'm pretty sure it was to avoid these talks!! / T-Rex: With that in mind, I now present more "euphemisms" to allow you to get by in society! / T-Rex: For example, instead of saying "I feel afraid", you can say "Aw crap! I think I've discovered a weakness in myself." And instead of "I love you!", just say "I have found another weakness; please, excuse me." / Utahraptor: Love isn't a weakness, T-Rex. It's a strength! / T-Rex: Please avoid such crass language, Utahraptor! / T-Rex: Instead of that, you COULD'VE said, "Love isn't a w- hey, where are the warp whistles in Mario 3?" and I would have replied "There's three! The first is found in the third level: crouch on the last white block until you fall through, and then run to the end." / T-Rex: "The second is at the end of the first fortress: fly above where the door is. The third is found by beating the Fire Bros hiding behind the rock at the eastern side of World 2!" / Utahraptor: That's quite the euphemism! / T-Rex: Utahraptor. They're quite the whistles.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1449
who didn't need to consult a faq for the warp whistle location? ME, THAT'S WHO. take THAT, everyone else who would've had to consult a faq under similar circumstances T-Rex: It seems that, despite the "euphemisms" available to them, folks are still discussing feelings in a frank and straightforward manner. Please! You know why our ancestors crawled out of the ocean? / T-Rex: I'm pretty sure it was to avoid these talks!! / T-Rex: With that in mind, I now present more "euphemisms" to allow you to get by in society! / T-Rex: For example, instead of saying "I feel afraid", you can say "Aw crap! I think I've discovered a weakness in myself." And instead of "I love you!", just say "I have found another weakness; please, excuse me." / Utahraptor: Love isn't a weakness, T-Rex. It's a strength! / T-Rex: Please avoid such crass language, Utahraptor! / T-Rex: Instead of that, you COULD'VE said, "Love isn't a w- hey, where are the warp whistles in Mario 3?" and I would have replied "There's three! The first is found in the third level: crouch on the last white block until you fall through, and then run to the end." / T-Rex: "The second is at the end of the first fortress: fly above where the door is. The third is found by beating the Fire Bros hiding behind the rock at the eastern side of World 2!" / Utahraptor: That's quite the euphemism! / T-Rex: Utahraptor. They're quite the whistles.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1449
YOU ARE SPECIAL: a "web" "card" T-Rex: At the instant you were born, you were the absolute pinnacle of our planet's development! / Narrator: YOU ARE SPECIAL / Narrator: a web card / T-Rex: Millions of years of evolution were all leading up to that one amazing moment of your birth! Billions of individuals - entire SPECIES - had risen and fallen, all conspiring together to produce one thing: you! / T-Rex: ... Then you went ahead and lost any specialness from that a second later when someone else was born. Nice one. / Utahraptor: But you're also special for what you know: information that's recorded nowhere else in the Universe! / T-Rex: Yes! / Utahraptor: What idle, passing notions briefly entertained you before falling asleep last night? What snack did you sneak last week? All this information is known by only one person in the entire universe: YOU. / T-Rex: And you consider this information so irrelevant that you forgot it almost as soon as it was known. / T-Rex: Untold volumes of information have been forgotten by you! As they fade unnoticed from your memory, so too do they fade from the Universe. Each future generation has been robbed of this knowledge, expunging it, as you have, completely from existence. / T-Rex: YOU ARE SPECIAL.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1450
 

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