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dinosaur comics, ladies and gentlemen! T-Rex: I have a new life goal: to become a hairdresser! / T-Rex: Scratch that: to become the BEST HAIRDRESSER EVER! / Dromiceiomimus: But T-Rex, um, you and I don't really have -- / T-Rex: Before you go any further, let me clarify that I'll be a hairdresser for MAMMALS. These guys have ALL SORTS of hair coming out of ALL SORTS of places. I'll trim it and they'll say "Wow, this hair cut has made me a WAY better looking mammal! Thanks for trimming the hair off my head, sweat glands and mammaries!" / Utahraptor: I don't understand why you keep lusting after these doomed careers, my friend! / T-Rex:Explain! / Utahraptor: You have no hair and want to be a hairdresser. You have stubby arms and want to be a boxer. Why not get a job that plays to your strengths? / T-Rex: Utahraptor! I have nothing BUT strengths! / Utahraptor: Okay, fine, enjoy your hair-dressing. You just stepped on one of your customers. / T-Rex: Dear Diary! / T-Rex: My new job is getting... a little hairy.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1265
advanced readers will recognize this as the origin of the phrase "herostratic fame", but i never heard that phrase before! i guess it really just speaks to the herostratic company YOU hang out with, ADVANCED READERS. T-Rex: The Temple of Artemis was one of the Seven Wonders of the World. It was this really big temple, you guys! But it was burned down. Arson! / T-Rex: Arsonist's name was Herostratus! / T-Rex: And the ancient Greeks would be TOTALLY PISSED that I just said that! They were so angry at Herostratus - who freely admitted that he burned down A WONDER OF THE WORLD just because he wanted his name to be remembered - that they not only executed him, but they erased him from history, forbidding anyone from mentioning his name! Under penalty of death! / T-Rex: Pretty friggin' intense!! / Utahraptor: But it didn't work! / T-Rex: Nope! / T-Rex: It turns out you can't make a law saying "dudes nobody say this guy's name anymore okay" without saying his name SOMEWHERE? But, I mean, I understand why they were upset. Kind of a dick move, Herostratus. I want to go down in history, but not for being the world's Suckiest Greek. / Utahraptor: I hear that! / Narrator: LATER, T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR GO DOWN IN HISTORY FOR BEING THE WORLD'S SUCKIEST GREEKS: / Utahraptor: Damn it, T-Rex! All the irony surrounding YOUR friggin' life is now rubbing off on me! / T-Rex: I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1266
the first three panels are all that remain of my epic Herostratus / Quantum Leap fan fiction, where Hero kept leaping into new lives, and no matter what life or time period he was in, he'd try to sabotage the wonders of the world. oh well! T-Rex: Okay, so Herostratus burned down the Temple of Artemis. But what happened to the other wonders of the World? My friends, I ask a bold question: indeed, the boldest. I ask the question shied away from by the greatest minds of our age: / T-Rex: Isn't it true that they were ALL destroyed by Herostratus? / Narrator: T-REX THE MAUSOLEUM AND HANGING GARDENS AND COLOSSUS AND LIGHTHOUSE WERE ALL DESTROYED BY EARTHQUAKES LEAVING THE STATUE OF ZEUS TO BURN DOWN AND THE GREAT PYRAMID OF GIZA TO UM CONTINUE TO HANG AROUND / T-Rex: Earthquakes, huh? Huh. I guess Herostratus wasn't actually a time-travelling, mustachio-twirling, World Wonder destroying villain. Ah well! That's why pencils have erasers, right? / Utahraptor: But T-Rex, what would you call earthquakes? / T-Rex: Natural disasters? / T-Rex: Insurance motivators? Uh, building complicaters? Domino frustraters? Wobbley Times U.S.A.? Um. . . Shakey Shakes Central? / Utahraptor: Couldn't you also call them. . . "ACTS OF GOD"? / T-Rex: Oh my God! God is like Herostratus times -- um, five! / God: MAN I'M BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING BUT i NEVER GET THE CREDIT FOR HOW PEOPLE'S HEADS EXPLODE WHEN SEEING SOMETHING REALLY SURPRISING / T-Rex: Maybe because that never happens! / God: LISTEN / God: YOU GUYS NEED TO FIGURE OUT SOME MORE SURPRISING STUFF BECAUSE IT'S GONNA BE GREAT
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1267
'speechifying' is a real word! you could be a speechifier, all you have to do is speechify T-Rex: Computers have gotten way better in recent years. A new computer can beat a moldy old one from twenty years ago! / T-Rex: FACT. / T-Rex: Wouldn't it be great if rhetoric had evolved in the same way? I could have this hyper-evolved speaking that could convince anyone to do whatever I say, as long as they didn't have similar rhetorical powers to match! Anyone not inured to my amazing powers of speechifying would be putty in my hands. "Oh, T-Rex, I'm not sure I should do this" they'd say, and then I'd say "Oh maybe you should though" and they'd be all, "Awesome." / Utahraptor: It would be a disaster for society! / T-Rex: Rude, my friend! / Utahraptor: I meant if there was such an advance. Early language learners would acquire languages the best, so it would be a generation of toddlers convincing their parents that letting them poop their pants is sweet. If you don't see what's bad for society in that, well - enjoy pooping your pants! / T-Rex (thinking): The word 'poop' is cool: it's transitive, but only for 'pants'. You can pee your pants too though. Maybe it's the noun 'pants'? Further research certainly seems warranted. / T-Rex: Maybe I will, Utahraptor! MAYBE I'LL ENJOY POOPING MY PANTS EACH AND EVERY DAY!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1268
a lot of people have sent me lists of the many things they can do transitively to pants. it was very illuminating! you guys do a lot of things to and about your pants T-Rex: I've noticed that some songs are quite good at evoking memories and moods. If I listen to a song I haven't listened to since high school, suddenly I am back in high school again! / T-Rex: METAPHORICALLY. / T-Rex: So hey, time for an experiment where I am the subject! From now on I'm going to listen to a new song repeatedly over each 3-month period. It'll become indelibly associated with who I am then, and this way when I want to remember what I felt like from July to September inclusive fifteen years ago, I can just listen to the same song again. It'll all come flooding back! / Utahraptor: That's - well, that's not a bad idea! / T-Rex: I know, right? / T-Rex: If it works, I can go further, also consigning smells and foods to certain periods in my life! I'll be an old man, looking up "first marriage" in my database, and then reaching for a record player and my first bite of Wensleydale in years. / Utahraptor: I'm getting in on this action too! / Narrator: BUT THEN, DISASTER! / T-Rex: Aw frig! Someone has mashed up Jay-Z's "Dirt Off Your Shoulder" and the 1-1 theme from Mario 3! Suddenly my current crush and the death of my first dog have become irrevocably mixed!! / T-Rex: I feel very oddly about dead dogs right now
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1269
 
people who don't watch star trek: now you can knowledgably complain about a part of the show! it will help you 'fit in' T-Rex: You know what I don't like? / God: WHAT DON'T YOU LIKE / T-Rex: Star Trek! / T-Rex: Only one part of it though!! / T-Rex: I don't like when they encounter something amazing in Engineering or wherever and call up to the bridge and say "Captain, you'd better get down here." Explain what it is! THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE DO. I don't call up my friends and say, "Utahraptor, you'd better get down here." and he ways "Why?" and I say "Oh Utahraptor, if only we had descriptive language; if only I could describe something using my words. But you know as well as I that I can only point and say, lookit." / Utahraptor: So don't watch those parts of Star Trek! / T-Rex: I try, but it's everwhere! Even not on Star Trek! / T-Rex: The news always says, "Up next: what's in your bathroom that may be trying to kill you!" and then go to commercials. This is psychopathic. I'm the Captain and they don't even want me in Engineering! They want me on the couch for the next three minutes of ads. / Utahraptor: That IS one way of looking at it! / Narrator: LATER: / TV: Tonight at 11: what you're eating that could be taking TWENTY YEARS off your life!! / T-Rex: I'M THE CAPTAIN
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1270
i am happy because i found out my girlfriend's ex-boyfriend was nicknamed 'shufflepants'. hilarious! i can EASILY compete with that. T-Rex: In conversations, speakers generally try to make helpful contributions, and listeners generally assume that this is the case! This is called the "cooperative principle", and philosopher Paul Grice proposed it! He's dead now. / T-Rex: It's useful because it allows inferred meanings! / T-Rex: We can be at a party and someone can say "Where's Utahraptor?" and I can say "He's sick" and they understand that he's not here BECAUSE he's sick. Inferred meaning! If they don't assume I'm cooperating then I'm just offering non-relevant information, on the same level as if I answered "Utahraptor's got shufflepants." and then clarified "They're pants that shuffle when he walks." / Utahraptor: But maybe I'm not at the party BECAUSE of my shufflepants! / T-Rex: See? / T-Rex: The cooperative principle is so ingrained that even when I say non sequiturs, you're looking for a way to read it under the assumption I'm cooperating. / Utahraptor: So I should assume that you're a disingenuous and unhelpful jerk. / T-Rex: Yes! / T-Rex: In this example, I mean. In real life I am a charmer, of course!! Hah! I am loveable and trustworthy and good at conversations! / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: I've had FIVE girlfriends, Utahraptor.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1271
this is the source of the old "avoid unnecessary prolixity and eschew obfuscation" joke. an oldie but a goodie?? T-Rex: So Paul Grice went on to clarify his cooperative principle, identifying four maxims describing how people generally communicate. He called these "GRICEAN Maxims". / T-Rex: Nice one, Paul Grice! / T-Rex: He's dead now. These maxims are pretty useful though! There's the Maxim of Quality (don't lie), the maxim of quantity (only say enough to make your point, no more or less), the Maxim of Relation (be relevant) and the Maxim of Manner (be clear, brief, and unambiguous). These are four different different ways we cooperate with each other when communicating! / Utahraptor: And if I were to say "I kissed him with my lips on the lips", that would be breaking Quantity! / T-Rex: Yes! / T-Rex: And arguably Manner. But by breaking them, I look for a HIDDEN meaning indicated by the flouting of the maxim! "What is so important about your and his lips?" I might ask myself. / Utahraptor: They're like little pillows. / T-Rex: Hah! / T-Rex: ... What? / Narrator: YEARS LATER, UTAHRAPTOR ONCE AGAIN REFERS TO HIS LIPS AS "LITTLE PILLOWS": / T-Rex: Hah! / T-Rex: ...Still?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1272
i'm guessing he's pronouncing it 'pulls' T-Rex: Okay, time to invent a new superhero! Then I'll make a movie about him, and THEN, I'll be famous! Then I'll also have a lot of disposable income? / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Inventing superheroes: too friggin' hard! / T-Rex: Every good superhero power is taken. He's invulnerable - oh, there's Superman. Okay, he CAN be hurt, but he recovers: oh, hey Wolverine! Okay, he CAN be hurt, and then, he dies. Oh, Batman's at this party too? Hey Batman. / Dromiceiomimus: Maybe you should focus more on themes instead of powers, T-Rex! / T-Rex: I tried that, but every theme is taken too! / Utahraptor: Impossible! / T-Rex: Speed theme: check. Spider theme: check! Iron Man theme: TOTALLY CHECKED. There's nothing left! / Utahraptor: I think theme is more "what your story says" than "what your character is able to do". See the difference? / T-Rex: I do but listen I really think powers are more interesting. / Narrator: SOON, INSPIRATION STRIKES! / T-Rex: He's a Transformer, but he's also biologically human! So he has to deal with THEMES associated with either being a man, or being a soft, warm, fleshy and hairy semi truck filled with blood intestines and lungs. / T-Rex: TRILOGY PLZ
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1273
The Coso Artefact Narrator: THE COSO ARTEFACT / T-Rex: ...is totally amazing, you guys! Totally amazing. / T-Rex: It's a SPARK PLUG that was discovered encased in solid rock! / T-Rex: So awesome. A spark plug found inside a geode, surrounded by material that would have taken 500,000 years to collect! Is this truly CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE that we will one day visit the distant past, and drop spark plugs in sediment while we're at it? I would argue "Definitely, dudes!" I would argue that there can be no other explanation and I would argue that it's gonna be great. / Utahraptor: The "Coso Artefact" wasn't found in a geode, T-Rex! / T-Rex: It wasn't? / Utahraptor: It was found in a concretion, and I'm sorry to tell you that those can develop in only a few years! There are marshes in England with WWII-era bombs encased in concretions as well. It's cool, but it's not proof of time travellers! / T-Rex: Man. Logical explanations keep letting me down!! / God: T-REX HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT UTAHRAPTOR ISN'T THE TIME TRAVELLER WHO LOST THE SPARK PLUG IN THE DISTANT PAST IN THE FIRST PLACE / God: MAYBE HE'LL SAY ANYTHING TO COVER IT UP / T-Rex: *gasp* / T-Rex: Conspiracies!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1274
 
boner fever: it's terminal now T-Rex: If I were impatient, I'd be a jerkier person. I'd always be hurrying people up, and people would not want to hang around me in grocery store lines. / T-Rex: Furthermore, if I didn't have my sense of humour, chicks would like me less! / T-Rex: Clearly, my personality is Important! It's why my friends like me. But strokes can change people's personality, and anyone can have one at BASICALLY any time! It's totally ridiculous. My body already has like five ways it can betray me for no reason that I can name off the top of my head, and those ways are called Alzheimer's, Old Age, Respiratory Failure, Heart Attacks, Terminal Boner Fever, and Dementia. IT DOES NOT NEED ANOTHER. / Utahraptor: "Oooh, look at me, I'm T-Rex and I've found another way to be terrified of the future!" / T-Rex: I'm not! / T-Rex: I'm terrified of DYING. Totally different. / Utahraptor: Most everyone else gets through life without being terrified of death, T-Rex, and some even look death in the face every day! You should talk to stunt drivers, or like, bear aggravators. You could learn from them! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Excuse me, stunt driver? Are YOU afraid of death? / Stunt driver: The only thing I'm afraid of is NOT parachuting out of a hot air balloon, landing on a motorcycle, and jumping over 16 buses end-to-end!! EXTREME!! / T-Rex: So... yes?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1275
what do dieting people eat? judging from weight-loss commercials, they enjoy the same foods they're enjoying now, for only $24.95 a month. results not typical. T-Rex: Two months ago I noticed I had a small case of the chubbs! So I decided to lose some weight, and THEN, I lost the weight. I just ate fewer foods? / T-Rex: Guys, this is terrible! / T-Rex: Nobody who's trying to lose weight wants to hear from the guy who shed pounds like they were a Hallowe'en costume... in July, or something. That is to say, "quickly"? / T-Rex: The point is that dieting is about commiserating, and I'm the guy who shows up to the party saying "guys, it's not hard" and that my secret to weight-loss success is "um, eating less." / Utahraptor: Maybe you can present it in a more positive way? / T-Rex: How? / Utahraptor: Well, instead of saying "I just ate less", why not say "while portion control remains the most important part of weight loss, healthier choices and an active lifestyle all contribute towards positive changes in our lives"? / T-Rex: Utahraptor, I'm your friend and even I hate you a little just from that sentence. / Narrator: LATER: / Off Panel Voice: Hey, T-Rex, looking good! Have you lost weight? / T-Rex: Yeah! It took a whole lot of diet plans, and... and breakfast shakes? / Off Panel Voice: NICE.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1276
t-rexor mact-rexor Narrator: GREGOR MACGREGOR COMICS / T-Rex: That name is totally made up. It was made up by a Scottish Enthusiast. / T-Rex: I'm just sayin'. / T-Rex: Anyway, Gregor MacGregor was this explorer guy in the 1800s! / T-Rex: In 1820 he sailed from the Mosquito Coast of Central America to England, with the news that one of the native kings there had given him 30,000 km2 of land! The land was incredibly fertile, the natives helpful, and he'd already established an army, banks, civil service AND democracy there. You couldn't walk without tripping on the gold nuggets that littered the ground, and MacGregor was selling land grants at a very reasonable rate!! / Utahraptor: You're describing the FICTIONAL nation of Poyais, T-Rex! That was a huge scam! / T-Rex: It - what? / Utahraptor: When the colony boats arrived, instead of opera houses they found untamed jungle, tropical disease and venomous snakes. One settler even committed suicide after trading his life savings for passage. By the time a rescue boat was sent and returned to London, 180 of the 240 emigrants had DIED. / God: SEE T-REX THIS IS WHY I KEEP SAYING YOU SHOULD FINISH YOUR BOOKS BEFORE TELLING YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THEM / T-Rex: It wasn't a book!! / T-Rex: It was a WIKIPEDIA PAGE that got BORING half-way through.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1277
i was wolverine for a day last week, and just never used my powers. I Am Almost Certain Of It. Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH T-REX HAS DEVELOPED SUPER HEALING POWERS, WHICH ALLOW HIM TO RECOVER FROM ANY INJURY ALMOST INSTANTLY / T-Rex: I wonder if today is a lovely day to go on a walk! / T-Rex: Hey! It IS a lovely day to go on a walk! / Narrator: ANYWAY T-REX NEVER INJURED HIMSELF THAT DAY AND THE POWERS WORE OFF SOON AFTER / Narrator: THE END / Narrator: T-REX'S GREATEST FEAR COMICS / T-Rex: My greatest fear is having superpowers and not realizing it! / Utahraptor: Really? / T-Rex: Oh my God, I'm TERRIFIED of missing out. I might have elevated strength, but I never try to lift a skyscraper over my head, you know? How would I discover which muscles to flex to make lasers shoot out of my hands? / Utahraptor: Hah! / T-Rex: Yep! I'm serious! It is The Worst Life. / T-Rex: I don't know I have powers, and over and over again I stand by as everyone close to me gets injured OR WORSE in accidents I could have easily prevented, if only I knew! / T-Rex: Utahraptor! When I die I get an award for "Most Opportunities Missed" and nobody claps!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1278
this comic can be read to suggest that there's an extra panel 7 and 8 and 9 to each of my comics, in which the characters stand around greeting each other back and forth. why not, i say! WHO IS GOING TO STOP US? THE POLICE?? WELL HOPEFULLY NOT T-Rex: ...ummary and in conclusion, that's how "in medias res" works! THE END. / Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUES COMICS / Narrator: today's technique: IN MEDIAS RES / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus. / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex. / T-Rex: Utahraptor. / Utahraptor: T-Rex! That's not "in medias res"!! / Utahraptor: In medias res is when you join a story mid-way through, not just before the end! It's Lation for "in the Middle of things"? What you're doing is a different literary technique, known only as "Bad Storytelling". / T-Rex: Oh yeah? Well I've got a literary technique for YOU, my friend! It's called TELLING OFF UTAHRAPTOR!! / Narrator: MEANWHILE IN TUDOR ENGLAND / T-Rex: Shakespeare, add a dinosaur character to Hamlet called "Utahraptor" and have Hamlet tell him off, okay? / Shakespeare: dinosaurs haven't been discovered yet / T-Rex: What's that? / Shakespeare: DINOSAURS HAVEN'T BEEN DISCOVERED YET / T-Rex: Shakespeare! Take the credit!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1279
 
IF YOU GOT DUMPED TODAY I AM SORRY. HERE ARE SOME WAYS IT COULD HAVE GONE WORSE I GUESS? OR MAYBE HERE ARE SOME WAYS IT COULD HAVE GONE BETTER. I DON'T KNOW AND IT'S HARD TO SAY Narrator: DIFFERENT WAYS TO END A RELATIONSHIP / Narrator: a comic for dudes and ladies who need to end relationships / Narrator: but who are TOTALLY STUMPED / Narrator: METHOD 1: SAYING "IT'S OVER" / T-Rex: It's OVER! / Narrator: YEAH, LIKE THAT! / Narrator: METHOD 2: SAYING "I'VE MET SOMEONE NEW" / T-Rex: I've met someone new! / Dromiceiomimus: Are they awesome? Maybe we could be friends! / T-Rex: I hadn't expected the conversation to go this way, but... maybe? / Narrator: METHOD 3: FAKING FOREIGN ACCENTS / T-Rex: Vass ess das! / Utahraptor: That's supposed to be - German? / Narrator: HOW ABOUT SMS? YOU COULD ALWAYS BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE OVER SMS. / T-Rex: Ridiculous. What are you going to say? "WE NEED TO BREAK UP ;)"? / Utahraptor: "WE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES! ;)" / T-Rex: "SORRY IT DIDN'T WORK OUT :O" / Utahraptor: "R U COOL?? THIS CONVERSATION IS REALLY EXPENSIVE" / Narrator: OKAY FINE T-REX, HOW ABOUT MATURELY DEALING WITH YOUR INTERPERSONAL PROBLEMS? THAT IS HILARIOUS RIGHT / T-Rex: That is kinda hilarious if it's like this big weiner guy doing that! / Narrator: SUPER
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1280
only a li'l desperate Narrator: DIFFERENT WAYS TO MEET NEW PEOPLE TO DATE / Narrator: a comic for dudes and ladies who are newly single and who are like, man, SCREW THIS / Narrator: METHOD 1: TAKE UP SPORTS! / T-Rex: You can meet people at sports! / Narrator: I GUESS / Narrator: METHOD 2: ASK YOUR FRIENDS IF THEY HAVE ANY SEXY FRIENDS THEY COULD INTRODUCE YOU TO! / T-Rex: Beyond me, that is! / Narrator: YES. YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY SAY "DO YOU HAVE ANY SEXY FRIENDS, BEYOND ME, THAT IS" AND THEN DATE WHOEVER THEY COME UP WITH / Narrator: METHOD 3: DATE YOUR BEST FRIEND'S SIBLINGS! / Utahraptor: Don't date my siblings, T-Rex! / T-Rex: FINE / Narrator: METHOD 4: GOING UP TO STRANGERS AND SAYING "EXCUSE ME, BUT YOU ARE INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE!" / T-Rex: That's kinda sketch. It can go either way but I think it veers wildly towards Sketchtowne. / Narrator: WHAT IF YOU THRUST YOUR HIPS AFTERWARDS / Utahraptor: That - doesn't help? / Narrator: METHOD 5: RANDOM SELECTION FROM THE PHONE BOOK! / T-Rex: Excuse me, are you "Jennifer Klug"? / Jennifer Klug: Yes? Are you on speakerphone? / T-Rex: Jennifer - Yes. Do you want a boyfriend who's only a little desperate?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1281
food that, if you died while eating it - everyone who discovered you would laugh? T-Rex: As a gentleman who is not afraid to say what we're all thinking, I'm going to say what we're all thinking. / T-Rex: Guys! We totally need a new analogy for sex! / T-Rex: The one we have now is BROKEN. Sex as hunger? Okay, it works with "sexual appetite" and it works in that you want sex, and then you have sex, and then you're like, man, that's all the sex *I* can handle, and then in a little while you start to get the munchies for sex again. But that's it! / Utahraptor: Sounds like a good analogy to me! / T-Rex: But it's totally not! / T-Rex: I can die if I don't get any food, but if I don't get any sex, then I just - keep on keepin' on? Also if I'm hungry, I can't lock myself in a room and satisfy my hunger with my own food that's BASICALLY almost as good as the genuine item. / Utahraptor: Food that you produce yourself? / Utahraptor: Food that the Catholic church really doesn't want you eat? / T-Rex: Hah hah, ewwwww! Gross!! / T-Rex: Seriously though, there are problems with the analogy.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1282
i did the math and it looks like boorishly only send out screeds when he reaches three point nine rages. now you know T-Rex: I have begun to receive insulting spam messages: really vitriolic ones! / T-Rex: Ant there's not even a product to buy! / T-Rex: It's like - it's this one spammer who got SO PISSED that nobody was enlarging their penis anymore that he just went off the deep end. And now he's insulting thousands of people per second in the most hateful vile and terrible screeds I've ever read. So awful! / Utahraptor: But how do you know it's spam? / T-Rex: Huh? / Utahraptor: Well, has anyone else gotten messages like this? Maybe the guy really just dislikes you! / T-Rex: I - I assumed it was spam because of all the spelling mistakes and because the guy's name was "Boorishly P. Foundry"! But - hmm... / Narrator: TEN POINT EIGHT YEARS AGO: / T-Rex: Hey Boorishly! Your name sounds made up!: / Boorishly: Huh! That didn't get me so mad initially, but I think it's making me madder at the rate of 1/1000th of a rage unit per day! / T-Rex: Hey Boorishly! WHATEVER
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1283
Also, you shouldn't swear! T-Rex: Guess who had a bike accident yesterday morning! If you guessed "Shit! T-Rex?" you are correct!! / T-Rex: Also, you shouldn't swear! / T-Rex: But it was me. I was biking and a dog darted in front of me and I guess it turns out I'm not a guy who will run over a dog! I'll run over a squirrel no problem but I swerve and slam on my brakes and go over the handlebars of my bike to avoid hitting a dog. / Dromiceiomimus: T-REx, I've always wondered: how do you ride a bike with your tine ar- / T-Rex: I get them custom made, DROMICEIOMIMUS. / Utahraptor: So you swerved to avoid a dog and were thrown from your bike, going over the handlebars. / T-Rex: Yep! / Utahraptor: So where are the cuts? You should have at least a little road rash. / T-Rex: They're all, um, on my opposite side with now. The side you can't see. / Utahraptor: So turn around! / T-Rex: Hello! I am late for an appointment! Also, I don't have to listen to you!! / Narrator: SUDDEN DEPRESSING ENDING COMICS! / T-Rex: There are no scratches! Alright? / T-Rex: I - I just... / T-Rex: I wanted to be the guy that swerved
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1284
 
ah, the old "very" trick. long-time readers will recall it as the secret to keeping romance fresh! T-Rex: Tired of every day being the same as the last? / T-Rex: Maybe? / T-Rex: Maybe just a little? / T-Rex: Then MAYBE you should try my great idea of assigning an emotion to every day of the calendar!! / T-Rex: For example, January 1st could be "excited". And then January 2nd could be "elated". And then January 3rd could be "disgust". / Dromiceiomimus: So we all have to be excited on January 1st? / T-Rex: No, but it's like - we're aware of it! So it COLOURS the day, and gives us something to look forward to. Every day becomes a holiday! "March 3rd is contentment day!", we'll say. "I hope it comes soon." / Utahraptor: I find it hard to believe you've come up with 365 (to 366) different emotions! / T-Rex: I basically have! / T-Rex: I could only come up with about 20 emotions, but I doubled that by adding "very". Then I doubled them again by adding "not very" and "inappropriately". There's - there's more adverbs. / Utahraptor: I'm not sure if it'll - / T-Rex: I'm doing it and it's gonna be great!! / Narrator: BUT IT IS BAD NEWS FOR FIRST DATES: / T-Rex: Today's Awkward Day, eh? God knows I've already got enough of that! / T-Rex: Hah hah hah / T-Rex: *sigh*
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1285
this was the one in which "party" appears in every panel. up next! the one in which "accounting best practices" appears in every panel T-Rex: Hey, who wants to party? I woke up and I said "I want to party!" and then I gasped because it was BONA FIDE FACTS. / T-Rex: Is this TRULY the day when everyone else wants to party as well? / T-Rex: Hey Dromiceiomimus - wanna party?? / Dromiceiomimus: I can't, T-Rex! I've got a dentist appointment. / T-Rex: We can party afterwards! / Dromiceiomimus: Depends on how it goes at the dentist, I think. I don't want to party with new fillings. / T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR. He'll want to party! That guy parties like it's 1999, a rock star, AND like Marty. / Utahraptor: I can't, man! / Utahraptor: My brother and his kid are coming over. A quiet night in, you know? / T-Rex: Man! I even checked with God and he was all "I'M BUSY WITH GOD STUFF BLAH BLAH BLAH HEY I'M TOO IMPORTANT TO COME PARTY WITH MY AWESOME DINOSAUR FRIEND". Who am I going to party with, the Devil? / Devil: MMM T-REX I HAVE NEVER RECEIVED SUCH AN INVITATION FROM YOU AND I WILL BE PLEASED TO ATTEND / Devil: IS THIS A PARTY OF THE LAN OR RPG VARIETY / T-Rex: It's - um, I'm not - / Devil: I CAUTION YOU / Devil: IT CAN BE BOTH
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1286
i only got "accounting best practices" in one panel. it - it was enough? T-Rex: Screw all those guys; I can have a fun time without partying! I can have a fun time doing anything. And I'll prove it! / T-Rex: I'll have a fun time learning about ACCOUNTING BEST PRACTICES! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Well Dromiceiomimus, I guess this really just goes to show you: when you spend a few hours reading up on a financial bookkeeping... there's no ACCOUNTING for what you'll learn! / Dromiceiomimus: oh god / Utahraptor: T-Rex! You just spent hours learning about accounting for a pun! / T-Rex: I - I guess! / Utahraptor: You're actually - you're bettering yourself for the sake of a pun. It's impressive. It's annoying AND impressive. It's like you spent years getting a medical degree just so you could mess with Photoshop and claim a picture has been "doctored". / T-Rex: Hah hah! Awesome! / Narrator: LATER: MEDICAL SCHOOL! / T-Rex: What's that? Medical school is actually very hard to get into and you're not going to let me in? I guess I've been... SCHOOLED? / Someone Out of View: Not unless you get in, no. / T-Rex: ... Ah.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1287
the best bathroom graffiti i ever saw was "i am a walking poo factory", all lowercase, just like that. it was written in small letters, sad and confessional. T-Rex: I wonder what someone studying my life for a FUTURE BIOGRAPHY would think about me. What does it mean that I spend so much time doing the things I do? / T-Rex: And what if they got the analysis wrong? / T-Rex: What if they saw my interest in smooching as indicative of feelings of sexual inadequacy? What if they see my stepping on houses as symbolic of the way I let my rugged manly heart step on all but the most amusing of emotions it experiences? / Dromiceiomimus: Huh? / T-Rex: I'm just concerned that after I'm dead, folks will write books about me filled with sass! / Utahraptor: I think I've figured you out, my friend! / T-Rex: Explain! / Utahraptor: You WANT your actions analyzed. You want it because if a third party analyzes them, not only does that suggest they're interesting, but it also gives them intrinsic meaning: there must be something there worthy of analysis! You never have to worry about living a meaningful life if there's someone else to find meaning for you. / T-Rex: Utahraptor! You realize that you just analyzed my actions today and found meaning in them? / Utahraptor: Aw man! It wasn't on purpose!! / T-Rex: I'm going to go write "boners ahoy" on a bathroom wall and then you can tell me why, okay?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1288
bruce swain is clarke's friend. they form a fast friendship and go white-water rafting and have a great time! in a rare moment of emotional honesty for them both, they admit that they've never been happier. Narrator: T-REX HAS WRITTEN A NEW STORY! / T-Rex: Yes! It's about a guy named "Clarke Kente"! His name is CLOSE to Superman's secret identity, but legally and creatively distinct. / T-Rex: And then in my story Clarke's looking for a girlfriend! / T-Rex: And then he meets a woman named "Louise Laan" and then they're dating and there's some smooching and romance and it all ends in marriage. The end! / Dromiceiomimus: What? That's it? That's the story? / T-Rex: It's a good story! It's heartwarming and the theme is that, SOMETIMES, people can fall in love. Aww! Everyone loves to be reminded of that! / Utahraptor: So do Superman comics exist in this story? / T-Rex: Nope! Nobody knows about Superman. / Utahraptor: Ah, so you use the characters to finally give Clark Kent the quiet and stable relationship with Lois he could never have as Superman. / T-Rex: No, that would be good, but that's not my story. My story is a simple love tale about simple people, with names that are legally and creatively distinct. / Narrator: LATER: PHONE CALLS! / T-Rex: DC Comics, quit hasslin' me! Clarke and Louise and Bruce Swaine are my own characters! / Offscreen: Um, I'm just a telemarketer who wants to sell you some long distance? / T-Rex: Listen, if we both pretend we can both get what we want out of this conversation, okay?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1289
 
deleted dialogue: "anthropomorphic bread machine are clown shoes. all the toughest bread machines are boxes, and their only concession to anthropy is an unblinking red eye." T-Rex: As of today, I am officially living in the future! / T-Rex: That's because as of TODAY, I am the proud owner of a robot! / T-Rex: His name is Breadmatic 5000 and he's great. His specialty? Baking friggin' bread! / Dromiceiomimus: That's not a robot, T-Rex! That's a standard bread machine. / T-Rex: He's a robot! He's a robot and he sits on the kitchen counter and when I press the "Breadmatic, I would like some bread tonight" button and then put the ingredients inside him, he turns them into bread. You know how he does it? Through ROBOTICS. / Utahraptor: He's not even anthropomorphic! / T-Rex: Robots don't have to be!! / T-Rex: Breadmatic is a box because that is ROBOTICALLY DETERMINED to be the optimal shape for bread production, okay? / Utahraptor: You bought him at the grocery store. / T-Rex: You live in a bland world of consumer electronics, Utahraptor. I live in a world of robot pals who bake me food! / Narrator: THAT EVENING: / T-Rex: Breadmatic, I'm worried! The fact that you're a robot is already coming between me and my non-robot friends! / Breadmatic 5000: YOUR BREAD IS NOW: READY / T-Rex: Sometimes, Breadmatic, in my most private moments... / T-Rex: ...sometimes I worry that I won't be enough.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1290
ryan, it's me, ryan from five minutes in the future! the mashed potatoes turned out okay! i want to have some more, so listen so are you willing to share? Narrator: The Woman Who Woke Up As A Man / Narrator: by T-Rex / Narrator: Once upon a time there was a woman who woke up as a man! That's her. Pretty tough, right/ Frig! / Narrator: Anyway she woke up as a totally tough dude, stepping on houses like they were toy Monopoly houses, like in the picture? Everyone liked her. But her female form was missing and eventually people thought that she was murdered! Nobody believed her that she was a dude now and they thought maybe HE (the girl) murdered her (herself). She went to jail and EVENTUALLY, she died in jail, from a terminal case of too much being...in jail. / Narrator: THE END. / Utahraptor: T-Rex, I read your comic! The one you slipped under my door with the note "FEED BACK PLZ ;)"? / T-Rex: And? / Utahraptor: Well, okay, you don't explain how or why the woman switched sexes, and I don't get why you wrote a story where a guy who looks like you is a woman, only to basically ignore the premise. And um, the ending was among the most un-satisfying I'd ever read. / T-Rex: I see! / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE PAST! / T-Rex: T-Rex, it's me, T-Rex from the future! Don't let Utahraptor read your comic because he's going to be a dick about it, okay? / T-Rex off-panel: I still say "dick" in the future? / T-Rex: I'm from like 2 hours in the future, so YEAH
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1291
tina's a dude, i forgot to mention it in the story so i'll mention it here on the back cover. it's no big deal. she used to be a woman but she's a man now and she Punches The Future. FIND OUT MORE INSIDE?? Utahraptor's comic: "Tina's Curse" by Utahraptor / Utahraptor's comic: Tina Rex was a woman with a curse. Tina Rex was a woman with a very peculiar curse. / Utahraptor's comic: Ever since she was six, Tina Rex knew that she was one day to wake up as a man! / Utahraptor's comic: She had been given this curse by her stepmother, who hated her, and presumably men as well. The curse didn't scare Tina. Failing to meet monthly progress reports scared her, missing a checkpoint on her Five-Year Plan scared her, but being a man was like being a woman, she figured, only with more prostate exams. She smiled at her joke. Tina Rex woke up as a man on her 31st birthday. / Utahraptor: So! Did you read my rewrite of your comic? / T-Rex: IT WAS SO TERRIBLE / T-Rex: Okay, listen, you're not allowed to rewrite my stories anymore. Prostate exam jokes? Seriously? I stopped reading it three panels in. / Utahraptor: What? It got better! It got great! / T-Rex: It sure did, once I rewrote it extensively!! / T-Rex's comic: TINA, THE DUDE WHO PUNCHED THE FUTURE / T-Rex's comic: Tina is a woman who can Punch The Future. This means that she'd punch somewhere, and then three weeks later you'd walk over there and go "Ow who punched me." One time she punched a monocle guy who said "Ow, my crotch!" and then he turned around and he said "Ow, my bum!" THE END?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1292
it wasn't even a chocolate store giving away the chocolates, but whatever! i will take your misguided marketing, and i will eat it. T-Rex: Today is the day I spend entirely in bed! Is this laziness? No! / T-Rex: I just want to see if I can do it! / Narrator: THE NEXT MORNING: / Dromiceiomimus: Where were you yesterday, T-rex? / T-rex: I spent the whole day in bed, Dromiceiomimus! I wanted to see if I could do it. / Dromiceiomimus: Really? You didn't shower or anything? / T-Rex: Nope! And to answer your next question: I HELD IT IN. I held it in, AND THEN, I fell asleep. / Utahraptor: I was trying to call you all yesterday! / T-Rex: Hey, I figured it was you! / T-Rex: But I don't have a phone by the bed, so, you know - sorry? As I'm sure you overheard, I couldn't get out of bed because of SELF-EXPERIMENTATION. / Utahraptor: Well, you missed out on this store giving away free ice cream because their freezer broke! Another store was giving away free chocolates for reasons less evident. / Narrator: T-REX FEELS REGRET. HE BEGINS A NEW EXPERIMENT: TO BE THE GUY WHO ALWAYS GETS FREE ICE CREAM WHENEVER THERE'S FREE ICE CREAM TO BE HAD. / T-Rex: The experiment continues! / Offscreen: Pardon me? / T-Rex: Nothing, MOM
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1293
this is brilliant guerilla marketing. sucky roommates will read this comic, get pissed off at the person who left it there, and think "I'm angry and yet... SOMEHOW - I want to hear more of what these dinosaurs have to say!" Narrator: COMICS FOR ROOMMATES (print and save!) / T-Rex: This is a great comic for if you need to talk to a sucky roommate, but then you're like, "Man! I don't want to talk to a sucky roommate!" / T-Rex: Attention, sucky roommate!! / T-Rex: You may be surprised to see this comic lying around. I regret to inform you that it was placed here for a reason! Yes, I'm sorry, sucky roommate, but you are being kind of a sucky roommate. / Dromiceiomimus: Maybe that can change though? / T-Rex: Yes! Maybe if you stopped leaving your used-up socks in the kitchen or whatever? / Utahraptor: On the other hand, the person that left this comic here is kind of a sucky person too! / T-Rex: *gasp* / T-Rex: He or she isn't!! S/he is jsut a little passive-aggressive. He/she is just tired of picking socks out of the ceral or whatever. / Utahraptor: He slash she should just address the issues directly! / T-Rex: Um, it's way more fun to print out comics than to deal with interpersonal issues? / Narrator: THE END
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1294
 

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