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there are legal and illegal crazies. legal crazies is like, "wow, i love you so much, it's legally crazy!" illegal crazies is like, "wow, i love you so much, it's illegally crazy! Can I Have Your Skin For A Mask" T-Rex: I don't want to be a police officer, and the reason is simple! / T-Rex: I would end up hating everyone! / T-Rex: Not only would I meet rapists and murderers KINDA OFTEN, I GUESS, but I'd also regularly see domestic violence, petty crime, people being mean to each other, chicks and dudes who punch each other in the head with knives this time, and so on. Not cool! After seeing that day in and day out, I would start to suspect that everyone sucks and has a case of the ILLEGAL CRAZIES. I'd lose my optimism and faith in the world! / Utahraptor: T-Rex, this is basically the spotlight fallacy! / T-Rex: You think so? / Utahraptor: Yeah! By being a cop, you'd automatically see people who require the services of cops way more often than those who don't. You're blasting your data set the same way that folks who see well publicized reports about "Pedophiles! On the INTERNET!!" do when they conclude that everyone online is big into kids. / T-Rex: Well, to be fair, Benny's a pedophile, and he's on the internet. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, BENNY?? / Benny: I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE!! I am a LEDOPHILE, that is to say, an enthusiast of the tiny Indian village of Ledo! / T-Rex: Benny, look, you gotta find a better name for that.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1235
they might not have them in all towns. toronto has one, and they've even got a phone you can pick up if you want to talk to someone, but only if you are suicidal. otherwise they are not interested in any of your shenanigans T-Rex: You know those suicide barriers that are placed on some bridges? They're usually things like closely-spaced metal wires going up and running the length of the bridge, to prevent folks from hopping over the edge. / T-Rex: They freak me right the heck out! / T-Rex: They're such a crazy symbol for our society! We have them there because if we didn't, MEMBERS OF OUR COMMUNITY would kill themselves. We need physical barriers to stop this from happening. If you look at it as a benchmark for our society, it's so weird! We have to change our environment to make it difficult to off ourselves, otherwise we'd all be committing suicide? What are we doing wrong? / Utahraptor: Come on, society doesn't make us all suicidal! It only makes a FEW people suicidal. / T-Rex: Sure! / T-Rex: But even so, if suicidal folks really want to kill themselves, these barriers won't stop them. They'll just go somewhere else. / Utahraptor: But they DO prevent spur of the moment suicides! / T-Rex: These are symptoms! We should be working on the causes! / Utahraptor: Social programs DO work on the causes!! / Banner: SUICIDE IN COMICS / Narrator: "WHAT IS THE DEAL"
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1236
IT IS FOR YOUR OWN LONG-TERM HEALTH AND WELLNESS T-REX I MEAN CHUBBS T-Rex: To convert to Islam, all you have to do is say a few words, called the "Shahadah". And then, hey presto, you're a Muslim! / T-Rex: THIS KNOWLEDGE MAKES ME FEEL CRAZY. / T-Rex: A new religion is just a few words away! Dromiceiomimus! I feel the same craziness I would feel if I discovered that, I don't know - I could change my GENDER by just reciting a sentence or so. Crazy with POWER! / Dromiceiomimus: Well, T-Rex, the whole point is that you say these words with conviction and understanding and honestly accept their meaning. It's not like - / T-Rex: I know, I know. IT'S NOT LIKE SUMMONING BEETLEJUICE. / T-Rex: And yet, I still feel like I've discovered the ability to summon Beetlejuice! / Utahraptor: You're really into this, eh? / T-Rex: Yeah! It blows my mind that there's a phrase you have to say. There's TESTS to become Jewish, and you can be Buddhist just by saying so. But Islam is right in the middle! No tests, just a magic phrase! / Utahraptor: I'm not sure you're the best person to have this knowledge, T-Rex! Also, don't call it a "magic phrase". / Narrator: THAT EVENING: / T-Rex: Excuse me! Uh, do Muslims have to pay sales taxes here? / Off-panel speaker: ...Yes? / T-Rex: What about people who hear God tell them to "lose a few pounds, chubbs"? / Off-panel speaker: Um, especially them?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1237
utahraptor, come quick! my story's become real and it's surrounding my head i guess!! T-Rex: I've been writing a romance novel! / T-Rex: Or more precisely, I've been sucking SURPRISINGLY HARD at writing a romance novel! / T-Rex: It's terrible, Dromiceiomimus! All my life I was certain that explosions could spice up ANY narrative, but I've been blowing my main characters up ALL THE TIME and they're still not that interesting! Check this out: "Antonio Tony and Samantha were explosive-expert friends who decided one day to try kissing each other. It wasn't that bad! Later on, one of them decided that it was actually pretty bad." / T-Rex:THE END? / Utahraptor: I think your problem is you're focusing on plot! / T-Rex: How do you figure? / Utahraptor: Romance is about two CHARACTERS meeting and falling in love, but all you've got is narrative. We don't really know anything about your protagonists, so we don't care what happens to them. Flesh them out! / T-Rex: Oh kay! / T-Rex's Story: Samantha was a cowgirl, always on the lookout for a SPUR-of-the-moment marriage. Antonio Tony was a horse enthusiast. "I hope to be SADDLED with a wife soon!" he thought to himself. They waved wildly at each other across the open plains. / T-Rex: Utahraptor, come quick! My story's amazing!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1238
is it swearing if a character catches himself and corrects it? this source says: NO WAY, MR. JOSE! T-Rex: In some comics when a character is confused, rather than saying anything in particular, they just say a question mark. / T-Rex: I love that shit! / T-Rex: I mean, I love that STUFF. I love that they have the ability to be so confused that the only response is a question mark, the essence of pure confusion. Sometimes they also speak with the essence of pure exclamation, and at others, with the essence of pure ellipsis. / T-Rex: Anyway, this is a skill I've developed in real life! / Utahraptor: How? I don't know how you'd even pronounce a question mark. / T-Rex: Check it out, buddy! / T-Rex: questionmark! / Utahraptor: Hey, you know what's weak? Saying "question mark" really fast. / T-Rex: Hold on, I can do this! Okay. / T-Rex: $ / T-Rex: Oh my God!! I'd never actually pulled it off before! That was amazing! / Utahraptor: It sounded like the sound dogs make when they're just about to throw up. / T-Rex: $$$$$
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1239
 
once the horse puns were out of the way, there was really nothing left for the characters to do. JUST LIKE IN REAL LIFE?? T-Rex: Guys! My romance novel still has a terminal case of the totally sucks! / T-Rex: I'm thinking, maybe I have no business writing romantical-like stories? / T-Rex: I've got CHARACTERS but no spark. They're not falling in love with each other! They're staring at each other across open plains in the sunset, but when they finally meet up they shake hands cordially. THEN, after a lengthy silence, they inquire about the weather. How do people friggin' fall in love!? / Utahraptor: Physical attractiveness is a good start! / T-Rex: I tried that! / T-Rex: I ended up with EROTICA, Utahraptor. And I felt very off sitting there, writing about two imaginary people THAT I MADE UP having sex with each other. / Utahraptor: Maybe try making them celibate? / T-Rex: Then there can't be sexy times at all. That's not a bad idea! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Okay, I am writing ROMANCE here. No sex! / Novel Excerpt: Shortly after celibately inquiring about the weather, Samantha exclaimed, "Antonio! I am definitely 'going oral' on you right now!" / T-Rex: ...Alright. I'll use that as the title. / T-Rex: BUT THAT'S IT!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1240
i started this comic with a ghost/android dichotomy, before realizing that zombies fit better. androids are artificial bodies with artificial souls, and i guess we are all very concerned with whether or not the sheep they dream of are electric? T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for assuming that there's such thing as a soul! / T-Rex: Assumption: assumed! / T-Rex: And given this assumption, and the assumption that people care about exploring the idea of a soul, we can easily cast ghosts and zombies as the investigation of the soul-having experience that they are. For what are ghosts, but souls without a body? And what are zombies, but bodies without a soul? / T-Rex: In summary and in conclusion, ghosts and zombies allow us to explore the intricacies of soul (and body!) ownership. / Utahraptor: So why are both these "explorations of the soul" found in horror stories? / T-Rex: It's easy! / T-Rex: As people with bodies AND assumed souls, we find the idea of divorcing one from the other terrifying; therefore, the only way we can explore the consequences of these is through the lens of horror. Tada! / Utahraptor: Honestly, I think your theory is a little pat. It doesn't consider all possibilities! / Narrator: A FEW DAYS LATER, T-REX MEETS A ZOMBIE GHOST! / T-Rex: Utahraptor, you were right!! I met a zombie ghost! He wanted to eat brains but his teeth passed right through brains!! / Utahraptor: Oh yeah? / T-Rex: I would describe him as "pretty frustrated"
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1241
it is a word that is very handy if you are in the alien movies and a friend of yours has an alien pop out of his chest. you won't struggle for words in that situation anymore. T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for helping folks grappling with grief from the loss of a loved one! / T-Rex: That's right! / T-Rex: Leave it to me to totally solve your emotional problems! / T-Rex: There are many kinds of grief, so I've focused on a particular flavour. When, say, a big meteor hits a dude square on the head and kills him, that's sad. HOWEVER, at the same time, it's also extremely amazing and awesome. It can be hard to reconcile these two, conflicting, emotions. / Dromiceiomimus: So what's your solution? / T-Rex: I propose a new word! / Utahraptor: Have you noticed how that's your solution to every problem? / T-Rex: And have you noticed how it ALWAYS WORKS? / T-Rex: Today I propose a word meaning "extremely sad, but also extremely amazing". It can be hard to pull off that emotion; you don't want people thinking you're TOO into how amazing it was. But if you say, "I'm very [my new word] right now", everyone understands! Grief has become easier to navigate! / T-Rex: I call my new word "sawesome"! / Utahraptor: Sawesome. / T-Rex: Like sad and awesome? / T-Rex: Someone dropped an arrow out of a plane and it nailed my friend in the eye and it was extremely sawesome?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1242
round here, something radiates and something else shoots lightning out of its eyes T-Rex: Guess who has thier first nightmare EVER last night? If you guessed me, then HELLS YES that was the correct guess! / Narrator: T-REX'S FIRST NIGHTMARE / T-Rex: A bunch of us were hanging out in a house, some went outside, and then a nuclear bomb was dropped in the distance and we could see a mushroom cloud in the sky. I ran to the door to close it and pressed up against it as the windows in the house blew inward and radioactive dust covered us all. THEN, after it was quier and we ventured outside, I ran into my friends who surved, but we all agreed we'd had too much radiation and wouldn't make it. It was really realistic! / Utahraptor: Sounds like a pretty standard nightmare, my friend! / T-Rex: I know! I was stoked! / T-Rex: But then these - stupid atomic zombies showed up? And they started zapping us with cheap-ass lightning bolts coming otu of thier eyes? It was super dumb, Urahraptor. It was that cheap 60s lightning where they just draw it directly on the film / T-Rex and Utahraptor: Zombies don't even have lightning powers! / T-Rex: The REAL nightmare was how poorly my subconscious understands zombies! / Voice: Also the atomic bomb being dropped on you. / T-Rex: That as well.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1243
baby truman! T-Rex: Someone thinks my email address belongs to somebody else! They keep sending me pictures of their newborn baby, addressed to one "Ren? Wellek". As such, I HAVE BECOME REN? WELLEK. / T-Rex: The course of my life has now been set! / T-Rex: Normally when this happens, I write back the sender and let them know they've got the wrong address, but this time is different. They sent me four separate sets of baby pictures, covering the first four days of her life! I've already seen this baby grow up four days! I have a RELATIONSHIP with her now, and I've decided: I'm in for the long haul. / Utahraptor: You're not going to correct them? / T-Rex: Nope! / T-Rex: I've become their silent friend Ren?, watching this baby grow up over the years. I'll see her first steps! Her first birthday! And in 18 or so years, I'll have tears in my eyes as my computer pings and her high school grad pictures download into my inbox... / Utahraptor: Little creepy, T-Rex! / Narrator: THAT EVENING: / T-Rex: Okay, here's the news: I am not your friend Ren? but I am just as good. My name is T-Rex and I am a good role model. I brush my teeth regularly and when I forget to I tell myself to try HARDER. Basically, what I am saying here is "I am a stranger on the internet who has taken a particular interest in your child" / T-Rex: Perfect!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1244
 
anyway it would be like reading a book comprised of "my tummy aches. should i tell someone my tummy aches? my tummy aches" T-Rex: I wonder what things would be like if I could READ MY FRIEND'S THOUGHTS?? / God: T-REX YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE FRIEND / T-Rex: Thanks, God! I totally noticed! / God: NO, BUT MY POINT IS YOU PUNCTUATED THAT IMPROPERLY / God: WHEN YOU WANT TO SHOW POSSESSION ON A PLURAL NOUN THAT ENDS WITH AN S YOU HAVE TO PUT THE APOSTROPHE AFTER THE S OTHERWISE IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE A SINGLE FRIEND INSTEAD OF PLENTY OF THEM / T-Rex: There's no way you could know what punctuation I was using! There's NO WAY. / God: I'M KINDA GOD THOUGH / T-Rex: Still! Impossible! / Utahraptor: What is? / T-Rex: God knowing if I put the apostrophe in the wrong place in homophonic spoken language!! / Utahraptor: Well, isn't that the old paradox? Can God create a sentence with grammar so bad, even HE can't correct it? / T-Rex: I CREATED THE SENTENCE. IT'S FINE. / T-Rex [thinks]: Secretly, I did punctuate that sentence improperly! / God: I HEARD THAT / T-Rex [thinks]: Forget you, man! / God: I HEART THAT TOO / T-Rex [thinks]: Aghglug glag ghag / God: SO UH / God: THAT ONE DIDN'T MAKE SENSE
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1245
I am Matthew Broderick: computer hacker! Narrator: COMPRESSED FILM COMICS / Narrator: today's film: / Narrator: WARGAMES / T-Rex: I am Matthew Broderick: computer hacker! / T-Rex: And I've accidentally wardialed my way into a secret military computer that I mistake for a game developer's machine. I believe I will play this mysterious game called "GLOBAL THERMONUCLEAR WAR" / Dromiceiomimus: Let's bomb Los Angeles! / T-Rex: Kay! Incidentally, I use an acoustic coupler as a modem, and that's so retro it's cool again. / Dromiceiomimus: No argument here / Utahraptor: I'm a US Military Agent! / T-Rex: Holy smokes! / Utahraptor: You're under arrest for hacking into our computer and also it's still playing your game and it controls our nukes and it's definitely going to start WW ]|[ by launching them against the Soviets. Cold War, remember? / T-Rex: No worries! I will teach it the MADness of its actions through zillions of tied games of Tic-Tac-Toe! / Narrator: LATER: / JOSHUA: A strange game, Matthew Broderick. It seems the only winning move is not to play. / T-Rex: Oh my God. I love this movie. / JOSHUA: Man, me too! They should totally do a crossover with me and Skynet. / JOSHUA: ERROR 22: IDEA IS TOO AWESOME
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1246
IT'S MONDAY! TELL US A STORY ABOUT GOING TO THE DENTIST T-Rex: When I was younger, I went to the dentist a lot. MAYBE I DIDN'T BRUSH MY TEETH THAT WELL, OKAY? OR THAT OFTEN, OR AT ALL. / T-Rex: Oh well? / T-Rex: But I remember sitting there when I was sixteen or so, with some stranger's fingers in my mouth as he scraped away at my teeth and thinking "MAN, this is a sucky time! I wish I had something to distract me. I bet if I'd had sex, then I could think about sex, and that would be distracting. Hey! I should have sex! It'll make visits to the dentist easier." / Utahraptor: So then what happened? / T-Rex: Later, I had sex! Later still, I went back to the dentist. / T-Rex: But it didn't work. The situation was so unerotic, and I was terrified of becoming visibly aroused! / Utahraptor: Did you tell the woman you had sex with that the REAL reason for it was so that you could be entertained at the dentist's? / T-Rex: No! I mean, it wasn't the reason! That was just an added bonus! / T-Rex: It made it even MORE special
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1247
what i am saying here is that there are issues even with a meritocratic fascism. so don't do it, okay?? T-Rex: In fascism, one person is in control of an entire country, and he tells everyone else what to do! He is the guy who is micromanaging his zergs or whatever. / T-Rex: Maybe this is not so bad? / Dromiceiomimus: It is so bad, T-Rex! Fascism is bad news!! / T-Rex: I mean, YES it is, but what if the one guy KNEW what everyone should be doing? What if he was actually the best person to be in charge of the country? / Dromiceiomimus: Some people would still want to be free! / T-Rex: But WHAT IF he recognized that and let those people be free? / Utahraptor: You're saying if there was a guy who could produce utopia, you'd want him in charge. / T-Rex: Exactly! Yes! / Utahraptor: Okay, but that's not fascism. Fascism is authoritarian and includes these ideas of unity and purity and stuff like that. It's a sort of xenophobic culty nationalism? / T-Rex: Oh! I don't like THOSE parts. Well, I guess I don't want to be fascist after all! / {{banner: SWEET PROTEST SIGNS L@@K, SO @WESOME!!! OMG YOU GUYS! >:OGC}} / {{description of merchandise: Okay you are bidding on some protest signs that I'm selling because I was gonna be fascist, but not anymore!! There's a picture of me and beneath it they say "T-REX IS IN CHARGE NOW: I GUESS WE'LL ALL JUST HAVE TO DEAL" They have many uses such as pretending I am in charge and that you are all, "no WAY is that guy in charge, what will i do, oh wait my sign says i should just deal" / STARTING BID: $100 / YOUR BID: $ 0}}
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1248
i am on a diet and i now look at going to the bathroom as the easiest way to lose weight. it's gross! i know! T-Rex: What's that, Dromiceiomimus? / T-Rex: You're asking, "How much of someone's personality is determined by their body?" / T-Rex: Well, Dromiceiomimus, that IS an interesting question! A few years ago I would have said "none", but now I'm not so sure! In a way, our bodies do affect who we are: if you've got a strong body, you can be a different person than someone in a weaker body. Trivially, a weak-bodied person wouldn't make a good bully! / Dromiceiomimus: I asked none of these questions / T-Rex: And Utahraptor, you're suggesting that not all strong people are bullies? / Utahraptor: I - okay?! / T-Rex: Well, Utahraptor, I'll agree with you, and clarify that it's a necessary but not a sufficient condition. Bodies affect the life experiences possible, and therefore personality! And while you're questioning my premise of "nature over nurture" I'll clarify that I'm simply saying that someone in a weak body can't be a very effective bully! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Man, NOBODY calls me anymore
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1249
 
the best french word EVER i s the word for werewolf: "loup garou". if you know only this one word, you can make your way in modern-day France. T-Rex: If I ever turn into a werewolf, I would DEFINITELY donate my still-living body to science! The reason is simple: I Care About Science. / T-Rex: Guys! The advances would be incredible! / T-Rex: I'd have a body that would CHANGE SHAPE in response to the light of a full moon. That's insane! If we could harness the powers of my sweet-ass hairy body, the advances would be incredible! We could lose fat and build muscle instantly! We could restore broken limbs! WE COULD HELP BALD MEN NOT BE BALD ANYMORE, IF THAT IS WHAT THEY WANTED. Plastic surgeons would be out of a job! / Utahraptor: Only for like one day a month! / T-Rex: Part of the research would be extending the effects 24/7! / T-Rex: It would be a utopia, Utahraptor! All we need is for one werewolf to be brave enough to let science experiment on him, and then we can ALL get a little of the sweet blood fever! / Utahraptor: I thought that was vampires. / T-Rex: They should do it too. / Narrator: LATER: / Mr. Tusks: Hullo, T-Rex! I dressed up as a werewolf wearing a stethoscope to try to cheer you up! / T-Rex: Oh, Mr. Tusks! I should call the police. You're so cute it's illegal! / Mr. Tusks: T-Rex I am also a vice mayor
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1250
if you think "USA" is a slam on billy mitchell then you are correct! also i guess we both saw "king of kong" and enjoyed it? T-Rex: Recently I have discovered something that disturbs me! My savings account is now less negligible than before, and yet - I kinda want some money? / T-Rex: This is not the person I thought I was! / T-Rex: When I was a kid I always thought that as long as I had enough money to live without fear of poverty, I'd be fine. But now - I'm treating money like Life Points™. I want the high score, and I want the scoreboard to say "TRX" at the top, right above "USA" and "ASS". / Dromiceiomimus: I think this is just a matter of figuring out a different sort of Life Points™! / Utahraptor: I agree! We've got to find something else for you before you've become a cruel amalgam of the uncles Scrooge and Pennybags! / T-Rex: But what? / Utahraptor: How about instead of counting money, you count the number of lives you've touched in a positive way? / T-Rex: Oh God. Listen, I want something more like "Number of Enemies That Said 'I Wish I Wasn't T-Rex's Enemy Anymore', Frig". In fact, that's perfect. / Utahraptor: You realize that now you're living for revenge? / T-Rex: Oh! People say that's bad, right? Do you, um, remember any reasons why, off the top of your head? / Utahraptor: Well - / T-Rex: Look, are any sayings about how it's WORSE than living for money?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1251
according to wikipedia, in 1992 the fresh prince theme song was released in the netherlands and hit #3 on the charts! netherlands: why aren't you closer to canada? we could hang out. T-Rex: Oh my God! It's him! I'm sure of it. It's totally him! / Off-screen character: Who? / T-Rex: It's the guy who picks up and spins Will Smith in the credits to "The Fresh Prince of Bell-Air"! / T-Rex: There's no way it's anyone else. Oh my God, Dromiceiomimus, do I go up and say "Hi"? / Dromiceiomimus: ...Sure? / T-Rex: But he probably gets that all the time. I don't want to come across as a fan! I should strike up a conversation and then mention all casually that I like his work, but that I'm not a "fan" or anything. But that might be insulting! I'll - I'll just admire him from a distance. / T-Rex: Screw it!! I'm gonna talk to him, right now! / Utahraptor: Who? Who is it? / T-Rex: Utahraptor! It's the guy who spins Will Smith at the start of every Fresh Prince! / Utahraptor: No way! / T-Rex: Yep!! And I'm going to walk over there and talk to him right now! / Utahraptor: NO WAY. / Narrator: SOON. / T-Rex: Utahraptor! He says spinning Will Smith every week was his favourite part of the show! He said they wanted to reuse footage but he kept volunteering to do it "fresh"! / T-Rex: He goes on to say that he regrets the pun, but it's the most appropriate word?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1252
before everyone emails me to mention the ketubah, i will probably mention the ketubah tomorrow! unless i change my mind! which i might! who can say! T-Rex: When people sign a prenuptial agreement, they agree, BEFORE they get married, how to divide up the assets in the event of a divorce! / Narrator: PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTS: WHAT'S THE DEAL / T-Rex: What gets me is the whole conflict in them: the position of "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you", with the caveat of "Oh, baby, but just in case". I understand on a PRACTICAL level about how prenups are - practical, but on the level of love, I don't see how you're allowd to hedge your bets when it comes to marriage! I thought marriage was the ultimate expression of love. / Utahraptor: And you see prenups as being the ultimate expression of love*. / T-Rex: That's it exactly! Love with an asterisk. / Utahraptor: Well, honestly, T-Rex, I think that it's INCREDIBLY presumptuous of you to say that. / T-Rex: I know. I know! That's what bothers me about it! Who am I to comment on someone else's marriage? And yet, I feel compelled to comment on tons of someone else's marriages! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Hey Mom! You know about the prenup you got when you and dad got married? / Mom: Yes, honey? / T-Rex: I, um - / T-Rex: I got opinions
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1253
oh my gosh, utahraptor, let's get a "friendship prenup"! i just made them up; let's get some T-Rex: Maybe I have been too hard on prenups. In a sense, they're sort of a Love Validater, right? / Narrator: PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTS: WELL, MAYBE THIS IS THE DEAL / T-Rex: Because if you have a prenup that says, "Wow, NOBODY'S getting rich off this marriage", then it's clear that nobody's getting married for the money. The only reason left is love! / Dromiceiomimus: Or loneliness. / T-Rex: Or love! The prenup is a way of announcing AND VERIFYING that you love them for Who They Are, not for what they've got in their pants! In their wallet in their pants. It was a great metaphor, Dromiceiomimus. / Utahraptor: You know, Judaism has long had the "ketubah", which is basically a prenup! / T-Rex: Really! / Utahraptor: Yep! It specifies divorce penalties but ALSO marital vows, and is hung up in the house. Prenups can mean a lot of different things to people! / T-Rex: Huh! Maybe the best way to learn about prenups is to get one. Oh my gosh, Utahraptor!! Let's get a "friendship prenup"! / Utahraptor: Hah! What? / Narrator: LATER, T-REX HAS COMPLETED HIS PRENUP! WHAT'S IT SAY, T-REX? / T-Rex: It says "Utahraptor! Don't steal my comics, UTAHRAPTOR." Then there's a drawing of him stealing my comics, with an x through it! / T-Rex: A LAWYER drew it for me.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1254
 
"life is stupid and I'm going to go stockpile water" T-Rex: Hey God! Quick question: how long can I live without water? / God: FIVE DAYS / T-Rex: SERIOUSLY? / T-Rex: That's a bunch of BALONEY! / T-Rex: I'm never more than a week away from death! Worse than that: I'm never more than a friggin' WORK week away from death! Baloney! / God: UH ACTUALLY IT CAN DROP TO TWO OR THREE DAYS DEPENDING ON HEAT AND EXERTION / T-Rex: TWO DAYS?! That's terrible! That's entirely terrible. Listen, life is stupid and I'm going to stockpile water. / Utahraptor: But 70% of the planet's surface is water / T-Rex: Yeah but the remaining 30%? THIRSTY CHUMPS. / Utahraptor: Look, calm down! You've made this far without thirsting to death. / T-Rex: I didn't know I had a sliding two-day death window then! People can go WEEKS without food! Months! Two days without water is ridiculous. / Utahraptor: Well, I mean, you won't last two hours without oxygen. / T-Rex: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1255
i wasn't sure if you could be food poisoned to death, so i looked it up and saw that you could. "oh good" i said, because it made my punchline work, and then i realized i just said "oh good" to millions of deaths throughout history? wow, go me T-Rex: Life is too friggin' fragile! And when I say "life", I mean life in general, but really, I mean my life in particular. / T-Rex: Too. Friggin'. Fragile! / T-Rex: I'm a big guy, so I eat a lot - WHICH IS FINE, except that it increases the chance that I starve to death! And if I'm smaller I eat less, but I also face jerks trying to eat me! And if I'm a single cell, nobody's going out of their way to eat me, but I can die if the host I'm in dies or the stream drives up or whatever. / Dromiceiomimus: Plus you give up any powers of reasoning. / T-Rex: Man, that too!! / T-Rex: In summary, life is too fragile and I describe that as "sucks ahoy"! / Utahraptor: Maybe you should give up your ego here, T-Rex! / Utahraptor: While individuals may be fragile, species can survive a very long time! Why not see individual lives as single cells in the species: A multi-cellular multi-generational organism? / T-Rex: Um, because that's a metaphor that doesn't stop me from being food poisoned to death?? / Narrator: LATER, IN COURT! / T-Rex: Your honour, if I steal, I get a few years in jail. If I murder, I get a LIFETIME in jail. But if I forget to eat for a few days or breathe for a few minutes, I DIE FOREVER? / Judge: I'm sorry? / T-Rex: The punishment does not seem to fit the crime here!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1256
i would really like to read an entire series of books by various famous authors, all called "My Tiring Day". Imagine Alan Moore's "My Tiring Day" next to Nick Hornby's and Gabriel Garcia Marquez's installments! amazing. Narrator: T-REX HAS WRITTEN A STORY ABOUT A DOG THAT GETS SUPER POWERS! / T-Rex: It's awesome! It was about a dog who didn't have super powers, and then one day, he got some super powers. / Narrator: BUT THERE IS A DOWNSIDE: / T-Rex: Now everyone thinks MY dog has super powers! / T-Rex: I don't know at what point we all decided that authors aren't allowed to just make things up anymore, but it's totally what's happened to me! Somehow our fictions have all become real, and "write what you know" is the only creative option. / Dromiceiomimus: People actually think your dog has super powers? / T-Rex: Well, they think he's so great he INSPIRED the super powers. He's actually just - really angry? / T-Rex: But that's the thing! Even if I write about something implausible, folks assume there's a real-life inspiration! / Utahraptor: Come on, T-Rex! / Utahraptor: A lot of your previous stories WERE autobiographical. "My Tiring Day"? "A Story About Me (At The End I Sit Down and Write The Book You're Now Reading)"? If I were you, I'd write my next book such that if people DID assume it was about me, it would be flattering. / T-Rex: Yes! Like "The Day I Was EXTRA Nice To The Homeless"! / Narrator: LATER, T-REX PUBLISHES HIS NEW BOOK! IT'S CALLED "LOLITA 2: THE PREQUEL! NOW LOLITA'S EVEN YOUNGER" / T-Rex: Aw craps.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1257
"by doing some simple pronoun and name substitutions, you can read all about loheta's adventures. in some of them, he's got breasts!" T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for fixing my life! I'll do it by putting out a new, less controversial book: "LOLITA III: This Time, She's 30". / T-Rex: Nobody can argue with that!! / T-Rex: In my story there's a new Lolita, and she's thirty, and she goes out with a man who's also thirty and from a similar economic and social background! They get married and have some okay times. Years later, all the characters die of old age! / Dromiceiomimus: It seems a bit - conservative! / T-Rex: I could make some changes! But did you notice how everyone was clearly of the age of majority though? / Narrator: THE BOOK IS PUBLISHED: / Utahraptor: T-Rex, your new book is basically terrible! / T-Rex: *gasp* / Utahraptor: I'm serious! The "new Lolita" has nothing to do with the old one, and nothing interesting happens except when "LoHEta" shows up, explains that he's the new manly male Lolita, and then leaves the narrative entirely. / T-Rex: He shows up again in the epilogue! Utahraptor! You didn't even finish my book! / T-Rex: At the end, Loheta addresses the reader directly and explains that if you replace "she" with "he" and "hers" with "definitely his" in the ORIGINAL Lolita, you can read all about his adventures! / T-Rex: It's called "setting up a spinoff"; look it up?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1258
when i was a kid i convinced my friend that i was born without the ability to feel pain, which was why i was always so scraped up. to test it i invited him to crush my fingers, which he did, and i ruined it by screaming when it actually REALLY HURT T-Rex: You know what I'm tired of feeling? / God: EMOTIONS / T-Rex: Pain! / T-Rex: (Emotions too.) / T-Rex: But seriously, guys! Why do we need pain? / T-Rex: It hurts! / T-Rex: And you can't turn it off. It's like a phone that won't stop ringing whenever I'm hurt, and when I answer it, it's always friggin' Pain calling and he won't get off the line. I say "Yeah, I get it Pain, I stubbed my toe." and he says "Yeah, it still hurts like a bitch. Can I say bitch? It really hurts, T-Rex", and I say "Look, Pain. I know." and he stays on the line and I say "Pain, you've gotta find other people to call. You've got to get other hobbies." / T-Rex: I'd prefer looking down and seeing that my toe is stubbed to, um, EXCRUCIATING PAIN. / Utahraptor: So you want leprosy. / T-Rex: Uh NO, I didn't say I want my LIMBS to fall off. / Utahraptor: Leprosy doesn't make your limbs fall off!! You lose SENSATION in your body, so you can do things like accidentally crush your fingers and not notice. Hey, how's the centuries-old prejudice over there? Pretty uninformed? Pretty BIASED? / T-Rex: Utahraptor! You were totally a jerk to me just now! And if you're hoping I'm going to shout after you that "Now I wish my HEART couldn't feel pain", I'm not! / T-Rex: I'm just thinking it, okay??
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1259
 
this happened to me: i ran into Old My Friend Oliver outside my home, and he gave me the same mysterious inspirational nod. although his smile also could have meant "ryan, it's good to see you again, one last time. too bad how you died TOMORROW" T-Rex (thinking): Hey, it's Utahraptor! Wait - IS that Utahraptor...? Oh my God! It's... IT'S.... / [[second panel is blank]] / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you won't believe who I just met! / Dromiceiomimus: Who? / T-Rex: FUTURE UTAHRAPTOR! I'm serious, I saw him! He looked like Utahraptor, but he was aged thirty years, and it was the Most Amazing Thing. It couldn't have been anyone else! It was CLEARLY thirty years older Utahraptor. / Utahraptor: So what happened then? / T-Rex: Well, I was staring! / T-Rex: And you noticed it, obviously, but then you turned to me, made eye contact, and nodded with an almost undetectable Mona Lisa smile, just once. It was this amazing nod that said, "Don't worry, T-Rex. Things will be alright. Everything's gonna work out fine." / Utahraptor: Hah! Future me's awesome. / Narrator: MEANWHILE, FORTY YEARS IN THE FUTURE! / T-Rex: Dear audio diary! / T-Rex: i miss my friend utahraptor
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1260
so yeah the only cure for boner fever is fewer boners. hey thanks for reading my comic today everyone!! Narrator: EARLY ONE MORNING: / Radio: Police report a rash of interior vandalism: members of the public are waking up to find their interior walls defaced! / T-Rex: What's that, radio? / T-Rex: Street artists have moved indoors? / T-Rex: But I have an indoors!! / Narrator: SECONDS LATER: / T-Rex: Aw man! / T-Rex: Actually... it's a pretty good likeness? / Narrator: THAT AFTERNOON: / Utahraptor: T-Rex!! Did you draw yourself in my kitchen giving a thumbs up? / T-Rex: It wasn't me! / T-Rex: In fact, someone drew Dromiceiomimus and a house and a car in MY kitchen! / Utahraptor: Hey- If that's the case, maybe Dromiceiomimus got an illustration of me? / T-Rex: Let's pay her a visit and find out! / Narrator: DROMICEIOMIMUS'S HOUSE: / T-Rex: I've got boner fever!! / Utahraptor: What? What and outrageous illustration!! / Utahraptor: That fever has long since PASSED
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1261
if you have to go, death by misadventure isn't a bad way. it's "a lawful act resulting in death through careless or reckless execution". not bad, not bad! you just have to, you know, really screw up buying tacos T-Rex: Performative utterances are things that you can say, and hey presto, you've changed your life and the world around you! You've changed your life with WORDS. Like the Shahadah, this is insane! This is totally insane. / T-Rex: Let's do it!! / T-Rex: There's simple ones like "I promise to clean your room" (your future is now altered), but there's bigger ones like "I now pronounce you husband and wife": you weren't married before, and now, oh my God you guys, you're totally married! And then there's "I hereby christen this ship 'HMS Sinkytowne'" and "I sentence you to death by misadventure". / Dromiceiomimus: Saying "We declare war" is the same, isn't it? / T-Rex: Sure is!! / Utahraptor: Yeah, but you're only legally married when you sign the paperwork! / T-Rex: Well - / Utahraptor: And it's the same with christenings and sentences AND declarations of war: they all require paperwork! I'D argue that the performative utterance is just part of the ceremony, and that the real change is made when you sign on the dotted line. / T-Rex: Well, I mean... that's just our society? / God: T-REX YOU WOULD HAVE EASILY WON THIS ARGUMENT IF YOU'D MADE IT BEFORE THE INVENTION OF PAPER / T-Rex: Ah well. I'm still glad we invented paper! / God: ME TOO / God: OTHERWISE WHAT WOULD THE HMS SINKYTOWNE BE MADE OUT OF
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1262
if you're interested in learning more, i recommend "how to do things with words" by j.l. austin! i am lifting his ideas here! T-Rex: Utahraptor was so wrong about performative utterances yesterday! / God: HOW WRONG WAS HE / T-Rex: So! He was so wrong. / T-Rex: And I only realized it after he left! / T-Rex: A leader declares war on television, then that's war, regardless of whether he's signed the paperwork yet. He's changed the world just by talking! With sentencing it's the same: the judge tells you your sentence and that's it, and the paperwork is just that - paperwork! RECORDKEEPING. And the same for marriages! The license is just to let the GOVERNMENT know what's already happened. I was right! I was totally right!! / Utahraptor: T-Rex, remember yesterday? You were totally right! Fully and completely. / T-Rex: Aw no! Seriously? / T-Rex: You're seriously going to rob me of my Comeuppance Satisfaction by admitting you were wrong before I get to point it out to you? You're going to be That Guy? / Utahraptor: Which guy? / T-Rex: The guy who does what you're doing! Argh! You ARE being that Guy! / Utahraptor: Look, sorry for admitting I was wrong, I guess? / T-Rex: That's another performative!! You're tacitly endorsing their existence! I'M SECONDS AWAY FROM MY HEAD FADING INTO A CARTOON STEAM WHISTLE AND GOING "TOOT TOOT." / T-Rex: I'M ANGRY BUT I THINK IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1263
how do we know when and how words changed pronunciation, if they weren't written down? well sir, we look at sucky rhymes in poems and presume they used to work, and also at books written during the shift complaining how kids today keep talkin' wrong T-Rex: In the 15th and 16th centuries, spoken English changed dramatically, with vowels changing pronunciation and moving upwards in the mouth. Before it, we all sounded like ye olde-fashioned chumps. Afterwards, we all sounded hip and modern! / T-Rex: It was a century of kids outcooling their parents! / T-Rex: Before, "boots" was pronounced "boats", and "feet" like "fate". PRETTY OLD FASHIONED, dudes! But what's amazing is that the printing press was invented just before this started, and it was at this point that the spellings of words really got fixed. That's why English has so many oddly-spelt words! They show the pronunciation of words as they were, just before we underwent the Great Vowel Shift and decided to, you know, say everything differently. / Utahraptor: And nobody knows why it happened! / T-Rex: I know! It's so amazing! / T-Rex: Linguists are like, "Maybe immigration from the Black Death caused regional accents to be absorbed?" and then another says, "Maybe the English wanted to distinguish their language from the hated French?" and then they both shrug at each other! / Utahraptor: I don't think— / T-Rex: I saw it!! / Narrator: 15TH CENTURY ENGLAND / T-Rex: Hey peasants! Tell all your friends to pronounce "boner" like "bone-air", okay? It'll make the future HILARIOUS. / Peasants: No way! However, maybe we WILL tell them to diphthongize their highest long vowels. / T-Rex: Guys! So not as cool!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1264
 

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