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who kept typing 'gynocopter' instead of 'gyrocopter'? THE ANSWER: ME T-Rex: The best part of my mystery story was obviously the chase scene. Therefore, I've written a new story - / T-Rex: - one that's ALL chase scene! / T-Rex: So Utahraptor's chasing the main character of T-Rex, right? On foot. But then it escalates! Soon they're chasing on jury-rigged rollerblades. Then in expensive cars that they find! Then the cars explode, and they're thrown from the explosion straight into waiting GYROCOPTERS. And THEN, the gyrocopters crash on boats and they chase on the boats! / T-Rex: The boats can turn into SUBMARINES, Dromiceiomimus. / Utahraptor: But what's the narrative? You can't just have two people chasing each other. / T-Rex: YEAH 'CAUSE THAT WOULD BE SO BORING / T-Rex: It's awesome. There's a part where the chase takes us to outer space, on rockets! And then after a gun fight IN ORBIT we're both in freefall back to Earth - but without parachutes and with our spacesuits rapidly heating up! Will this fight end in victory... or in fiery death for us both? FIND OUT IN MY NEXT BOOK! / T-Rex: The book is called, "A Plane Saved Them, And You Should Have Seen It."
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1085
dinosaur comics by ryan the talking human. Narrator: T-REX THE TALKING DINOSAUR IN: / T-Rex: Is it true that the content of our thoughts - their very meaning - is determined, at least in part, by our environment? / Narrator: SEMANTIC EXTERNALISM COMICS / T-Rex: Okay, suppose I think "I love chocochops", which are of course delicious chocolate pork chops with a real pork chop bone. And say there's a twin Earth, completely identical - EXCEPT that there, chocochops have a different chemical makeup, but taste and look the same! If my twin thinks "I love chocochops", he's actually referring to the one with CRAZY CHEMICALS, while when I think that, I'm referring to a chemically different object. The environment determines our semantics! / Utahraptor: Ah, the famous "Twin Earth" thought experiment of Hilary Putnam! / T-Rex: SOMEONE CAME UP WITH IT FIRST? / Utahraptor: Yeah, only his example was about water having a different composition on Twin Earth, instead of those hauntingly stupid chocochops you invented. The point is that both thinkers have the exact same mental state but are saying different things, and the environment is responsible for meaning there. / Narrator: EPILOGUE: A FEW DAYS LATER, T-REX CALLS HIS GRANDMOTHER. / T-Rex: But I don't mention anything about semantic externalism! / T-Rex: Sometimes I like to call her just to say hello
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1086
way to go on the spanish-style exclamation marks, t-rex! i didn't know you had it in you. Narrator: EVERYONE I KNOW IS BECOMING VEGETARIAN / Narrator: A COMIC BASED ON A TRUE STORY / Narrator: MANY TRUE STORIES / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I know you're vegetarian, but you've been vegetarian since forever. You were ahead of the curve! But lately everyone ELSE is suddenly like, "Oh, T-Rex, I'm sorry, *I* don't eat pork chops anymore because they're way too delicious. And gosh, no, no, steaks are out too because they don't have any stupid chlorophyll in them!" / Dromiceiomimus: Well — / T-Rex: ?That's what they're like! / Utahraptor: Don't you respect vegetarians? / T-Rex: I do! MOST OF THEM. / T-Rex: I guess I'm not used to feeling in the minority in knowing that animals can be friends AND food! It's not hard! You say, "Aw, that animal is SO CUTE" and then the camera cuts away and when it cuts back they have a bite mark out of them and I look cartoonishly guilty. The end! / T-Rex: Hold on, I'm gonna go make that film. / Movie Poster Text: THE GUY WHO KEPT TAKING BITES OUT OF ANIMALS / Movie Poster Text: Once In a Lifetime Comes a Movie (In The German Expressionist Tradition) In Which A Dinosaur Takes Cartoony Bites out of Cows and Then Tries to Avoid Punishment for That.™ / Movie Poster Text: "BITINGLY hilarious!" --Everyone??
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1087
i hope you like sequels, and also, futura Movie Poster Text: THE GUY WHO STILL KEPT TAKING BITES OUT OF ANIMALS / Movie Poster Text: This Time… The Farmer Is More Exasperated At All The Bites! The Sequel To The Movie That You Saw Before. / T-Rex: I bet I can get AT LEAST three more movies out of this premise! / Movie Poster Text: TEH GUY WHO KEPT TAKING BITES OUT OF ANIMALS - IN LOVE! / T-Rex: I love biting animals. / Dromiceiomimus: I love — you! / Movie Poster Text: What a great romantic comedy! Will they get together at the end? …What if there was a musical montage?… / Movie Poster Text: THE TWO GUYS WHO KEPT TAKING BITES…OUT OF CRIME! / Movie Poster Text: They Are Cops Now, Okay / Movie Poster Text: Direct to VHS / Movie Poster Text: THE TWO BITEY GUYS DISCUSS EARLY APPROACHES TOWARDS LAISSEZ-FAIRE CAPITALISM / Movie Poster Text: "Five stars…out of a possible FOUR!" / Movie Poster Text: "I liked all the jump cuts" / Movie Poster Text: THE BITEY GUY THAT YOU LIKED FROM BEFORE IS BACK ONLY THIS TIME HE HAS A SEXY LESBIAN FRIEND / Movie Poster Text: THE MOVIE
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1088
utahraptor hasn't spoken in panel 5 for THREE DAYS. what am I trying to keep him from saying? Narrator: ELECTION COMICS / T-Rex: Oh my goodness do I ever love ELECTIONS. / T-Rex: You can't spell "selection" without "election"! / T-Rex: Not - not that really has any bearing on "selection" or "election". I'm pretty sure they have different etymologies. In fact, I'm almost certain, especially since I've never heard of "s" alone bing used as as a prefix. So REALLY, there's no reason I'd talk about the shared spelling between "selection" and "election" unless my intent was to mislead people based on coincidental surface construction! Huh. / Narrator: THE END / Narrator: ELECTION COMICS FOR REAL THIS TIME / Utahraptor: Hey, did you vote? / T-Rex: Let me answer that... / T-Rex: ... with a "HELLS YEAH!!". I voted so hard, Utahraptor. You should have seen me. I was DEMOCRACY IN ACTION. I picked up my ballot and said"HELLS YEAH!!" and then when I stuffed it into the ballot box, i did it with so much panache and ?lan that I can't hardly wait for the novelization. / T-Rex: You know what I'm sayin', Utahraptor? You pickin' up what I'm throwin' down? / T-Rex: It's going to be one HECK of a novelization.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1089
 
friday fun verificationism comics! T-Rex: In verificationism, a sentence has to be verifiably true (or false!) for it to be meaningful. Not bad, guys! I think this is one philosophy that is verifiably REASONABLE. / T-Rex: So that's it for arguing about religion! Can't verify faith! / T-Rex: In fact, that's it for a lot of debate, because how can you argue FACTS? Most verificationist arguments must end with the parties involved looking things up in an encyclopaedia together and then firmly shaking hands. / Dromiceiomimus: But if they can't verify something, what do they do? / T-Rex: They agree that the sentence is meaningless! If it can't be checked, there's no use considering it, so it's ignored. Facts only please!! / Utahraptor: But how does anyone know what's true? / T-Rex: Because... because of Science? / Utahraptor: Come on, T-Rex, you know better! Science is about being empirically ACCURATE, which might not be the same thing as being true. Plus your senses could be lying to you, you could be a brain in a jar, etc.. If you're going to be verificationist, you're going to need a pretty impregnable definition of "truth". / T-Rex: Aha! But I can't VERIFY that my senses are liars, nor can I verify that I'm a brain in a jar! How does THAT taste, Utahraptor? / Utahraptor: You can verify the science thing! / T-Rex: Can you just tell me how it tastes, when you put THAT in your pipe and smoke it?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1090
i saved you some time there. T-Rex: If I'm going to be verificationist, I'd better figure out what it means to say that something is true! I'm going to start with... relativism! / T-Rex: This one is all, "Well, it's true for me!" / T-Rex: Guys. Come on. This is the dumbest theory of truth. This is the theory of truth that draws tattoos on itself in blue pen and then when you ask why anyone would draw a picture on their forearm of tree, with sausages, with the words "sausage tree" beneath it, it gets mad and says "You don't understand my truth!" / T-Rex: I'm - I'm personifying a little here but that's seriously what relativism does. / Utahraptor: What about fascist truth, where something is true because those with power say it's true? / T-Rex: Again - ultra dumb! / T-Rex: What I want is a theory of truth that's incontrovertible. In fact, I don't want even a THEORY of truth! I want a fact of truth. / Utahraptor: You're not going to get it! There's like 20 trillion theories, but no facts. / T-Rex: Oh YEAH?? We'll see about that! / Narrator: TWENTY TRILLION THEORIES OF TRUTH LATER: / T-Rex: Well God, I guess it really just goes to show you that there's many different competing ideas about what "true" really means! / God: UH HUH / T-Rex: And THAT'S the truth! / God: UH HUH
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1091
2 2=5 you guys T-Rex: Wait, I know some truths that are absolute: mathematical truths! How could I have been so blind? / T-Rex: It is a FACT that one plus one equals two! / T-Rex: All I need is a way to convert mathematical truths to the real world and I WILL NEVER BE WRONG AGAIN! / Dromiceiomimus: Um - I'm sorry to break it to you, T-Rex, but mathematical truths aren't absolute either. Math is built on a priori assumptions: you start with a few things that you assume are true and build on them! Stuff like "1+2 is the same as 2+1". Then you build up a mathematical system around that, but that doesn't mean math is true. It's just - consistent! / T-Rex: But... 1+2 IS the same as 2+1! / Utahraptor: Or so you think, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Damn my potentially-flawed senses! / Utahraptor: When our mathematical assumptions APPEAR to match up with reality, the results may also seem to apply - but math isn't any more "true" because of that! It's still based on unproven/unprovable assumptions. And you can actually build up systems where you decide that 1+2 does not equal 2+1, and they're just as consistent! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Attention, everyone I've ever met and ever will meet! Never mention the "flawed senses" idea again, okay? It prevents me from knowing absolute truth. / Everyone T-Rex has ever met and ever will meet: SURE THING, T-REX! / T-Rex: Patrick Stewart! What are you doing here? / Patrick Stewart: um, being BORED
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1092
I have "gone" "too far" "down" the "rabbit hole" T-Rex: I have gone too far "down the rabbit hole" and am reduced to being sure only of my own thoughts, and even then some other chump could be projecting them into my head. To that I say: "whatEVER!" / T-Rex: People do fine with approximations! / T-Rex: So what if truth is a platonic ideal that can't be reached? I'm fine with that! When someone says to me, "T-Rex, your birthday is this Saturday," will I demand they prove it? No. I will say "wicked sweettimes" and then I would say "what did you get me" and then I would say "I bet it's so awesome" and that will be that. / Utahraptor: Hey, your birthday really is this Saturday! / T-Rex: See? It's true! / T-Rex: OR, it's close enough to true that we all agree on it. Brains in jars don't get birthdays! This is the reality I'm living in, and if it's not real then OH WELL, at least we'll all be eating ice cream cake come Saturday. You know? / Utahraptor: I hear you! / Voice: Hey, T-Rex! This ice cream cake is delicious! / T-Rex: Thanks! Don't you think it tastes like... philosophical compromise? / Voice: Only a little! / T-Rex: But you can hardly taste it, eh?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1093
Guys, I totally know! T-Rex: What if... what if I had the BEST HOUSE EVER this Hallowe'en? / [[inside T-Rex's thought bubble]] / Guys: T-Rex! This house is SPOOK-TACULAR! / T-Rex: Guys, I totally know!! / T-Rex: I must make this dream come true! But HOW? / Dromiceiomimus: What if you made your house spiritually scary, T-Rex? Like, instead of a corpse, a mannequin of a woman who is realizing that she has married badly. / T-Rex: Not bad! And I could have a spooky tape, but instead of chainsaws and screams, I'd have the voice of a man quietly dictating memories of his youth, knowing Alzheimer's will rob him of them soon. / Utahraptor: But these ideas won't be scary for passers-by! / T-Rex: Sure they will! / Utahraptor: They need explanation! The best scares are like the best art, where you get it viscerally, without a little placard beneath it that says "OKAY. SO. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE IS ALZHEIMER'S." / T-Rex: Man, you just wait! Kids will be boarding the train to SCARYTOWNE at my house. / Narrator: HALLOWE'EN NIGHT: / Kid: Mister, why is that man talking about when he was a kid? / T-Rex: Because he's got a disease that robs him of his memories, relationships and identity. It is death before death. / T-Rex: Oooh, what scary costumes!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1094
 
Stood up on Valentine's day? Narrator: JANUARY: / T-Rex: Ah, the start of a brand new year. There's so much potential! What could possibly go wrong? / Narrator: FEBRUARY: / T-Rex: Stood up on Valentine's day? / Narrator: MARCH: / T-Rex: Stood up on ST. PATRICK'S DAY?! / Dromiceiomimus: Aww, T-Rex, we can still hang out and drink green beer! / T-Rex: Thanks, Dromiceiomimus. But man, who stands someone up on St. Patrick's day? BESIDES MY DATE, THAT IS!! / Narrator: MAY: / T-Rex: I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS STOOD UP AGAIN, TODAY, ON CINCO DE MAYO. / Utahraptor: Aww, T-Rex! It'll be okay! / Narrator: SEPTEMBER: / T-Rex: Remember my St. Patrick's Day date? The woman who stood me up? / Utahraptor: Yep! / T-Rex: TODAY IS LABOUR DAY (LABOR DAY IN THE UNITED STATES) AND SHE STOOD ME UP AGAIN. / Narrator: DECEMBER: / T-Rex: You know, besides being stood up all the time, it wasn't actually that bad a year!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1095
everyone who reads my comic! i predict you will do this one day too. right on! T-Rex: You know how in stories, whenever a character has the chance, he always decides that it's too dangerous to know too much about his own future? / T-Rex: Um, I would like to know too much, please! / T-Rex: Knowing who I marry, knowing where I end up living - all of these would be great timesavers! / Dromiceiomimus: Yeah, but then you'd lose the hoy of living your own life! There'd be no more surprises. / T-Rex: Okay, knowing just one thing, then. Going through life knowing that no matter what, I'm going to win the lottery, for example! / Utahraptor: Or, knowing that no matter what, you're NEVER going to win the lottery! / T-Rex: Also good! / T-Rex: I just want one little tidbit, you know? / Utahraptor: Okay - um, NO MATTER WHAT, one day you're going to... eat a whole pif? / T-Rex: Man I coulda told you that! I accidentally almost ate a whole pig at breakfast, you know? / God: T-REX ONE DAY YOU'RE GOING TO PUNCH AN ATTACKING BEAR IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS AND THEN HE'LL BEND OVER IN PAIN AND THEN YOU'LL ELBOW HIM IN THE BACK / T-Rex: Oh my goodness! / T-Rex: My future! It's... it's so AWESOME...
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1096
the best non-verbal response to being dumped: the one and only slow clap Narrator: THINGS TO SAY WHEN SOMEONE HAS BROKEN UP WITH YOU / T-Rex: Sometimes, someone will break up with you. Aw snaps! What do you say to THAT? / T-Rex: Here are some things you can say to that! / T-Rex: "It's okay, sweetie! I'm sure one day you'll find someone ALMOST as good as me!" / T-Rex: "Would you also break up with a rocket skateboard? BECAUSE THOSE WOULD BE GREAT. LIKE ME. I AM GREAT." / Dromiceiomimus: "You can't fire me, baby! I quit!" / Utahraptor: "Don't you think you should have settled while you were ahead?" / T-Rex: "What if your next boyfriend is uglier?" / T-Rex: "Honestly though, I will always treasure the time we had together. I liked who I was with you - who we were together - and I hope we'll both be able to take that with us in the future. You've changed me and you're a part of who I am. I know our relationship will be different now, but I can't imagine ever not loving you." / T-Rex: "Oh, were we dating?"
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1097
i guess there are some skeletons in / about t-rex's closet, huh? BAH DUM DUM CHING T-Rex: Wouldn't it be funny if I planted A FAKE GRAVE for future generations to discover? / T-Rex's thought bubble: YES. / T-Rex: Why, yes, it would! / T-Rex: What I'm going to do is get a construction crew to put a skeleton, wearing workman's clothes, RIGHT IN MY HOUSE'S WALLS. Then, when my house is torn down in the future, the deconstruction crew will wonder which of their unlucky cousins faced such a grim demise! / Dromiceiomimus: But where are you going to get a skeleton? / T-Rex: From... the internet? / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Forget you, internet! Your skeletons cost like $6000! / Utahraptor: $6000 for a plastic skeleton? / T-Rex: Well, no, a real one. But if I use a fake one the prank will be found out too soon! / Utahraptor: Not if you chemically touch it up. It should withstand scrutiny long enough to make the news! / T-Rex: SERIOUSLY?? / Narrator: A FEW WEEKS LATER: / T-Rex: I get to spend the rest of my life being in on a great joke, and knowing that after I'm dead some honest tradespeople are going to be spooked, then intrigued, then cheezed off at me! / T-Rex: Not bad!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1098
SEE THAT IS A JOKE ABOUT FEATHERED DINOSAURS. YOU WERE WAITING FOUR YEARS FOR THAT JOKE AND THERE IT GOES. T-Rex: God, guess what I'M going to do today! / God: UM PLANT MORE FAKE GRAVES / T-Rex: Indeed!! / T-Rex: Fake graves...for EVERYONE! / T-Rex: One of them will be a dude with the remains of a time machine, and I'm gonna put him down at the Permian-Triassic boundary (the greatest extinction event EVER, in which 95% of all marine species and 70% of all land life became extinct)! I'm gonna make it look like this guy's time machine was responsible. It'll be all there in his notebook. "My time machine accidentally blew up and is responsible for the mass extinctions. Frig." / T-Rex: All of this will go in Dromiceiomimus's back yark, which I forgot to ask permission about! / Utahraptor: And in mine? / T-Rex: Utahraptor, in YOUR back yard I'd like to bury a skeleton, but I'm also gonna give him some extra fingers and also we'll cover him in feathers. People will say "Who was this Incredible Feathered Bird Man with all the crazy fingers? Was he - was he a GOD?" / Utahraptor: 'Kay! / Narrator: LATER, ON TINY-TOWNE ISLAND! / T-Rex: Tell me honestly, Mr. Tusks: do you think my grave pranks are DEFINITELY the most awesome ideas you've ever heard? / Mr. Tusks: I think they're a...TINY bit awesome, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Mr. Tusks...are you just saying that for the pun?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1099
 
anyway this happened in the 40s and 50s and tos started in the 60s so WAY TO COPY THE ISLAND NATION OF VANUATU, GENE RODDENBERRY T-Rex: Cargo cults are religions that have developed during World War II in island tribal societies exposed to the West! Islanders saw planes delivering amazing and valuable cargo to the troops, and believed it to be divine. / Narrator: KARGO KULT KOMICS / T-Rex: During the war, the islanders would see this cargo going to the troops and would grow to believe that the gods meant it for them - that the white people were just getting it sooner because of their influential rituals. And of couse, after the war ended and the troops left, the cargo stopped being dropped too. / Utahraptor: So what happened then? / T-Rex: The islanders started mimicking what they'd seen the troops doing! / T-Rex: The result was ersatz marches, imitation airstrips and walkie talkies made out of wood and bamboo, and even torch signal flares, used to signal divine planes that never come! / Utahraptor: Wow! It recasts Western military culture and tools as religious practice and iconography, respectively! / T-Rex: I know! It's CRAZY! Not in the pejorative sense, but in the more esoteric "Holy crap the Prime Directive on Star Trek was RIGHT" sense of crazy. It's a very particular sense of crazy but I'm feeling it right now! / Utahraptor: I'm feeling it right now too, and I don't even watch nerd shows!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1100
god is against the cargo cult idea because these cults tend to obliterate any existing religions on the islands and so is very destructive in that way and wait what kind of theology am i building here anyway. T-Rex: What if - what if I started my OWN cargo cult? / God: NO THAT IS NOT ALLOWED / T-Rex: Aw man! You say that for ALL the awesome stuff. / Narrator: EARLIER: / T-Rex: What if I put chocolate sauce in my iced tea? / God: DON'T DO IT / T-Rex: I'm gonna!! / Narrator: EARLIER: / T-Rex: What if I started my OWN waterslide, but put a fine layer of gasoline on top, and then lit it, so that when you slide you could slide through FIRE (EXTREME!!), but then if it got too hot, you'd just have to go underwater to "cool down"? / God: NO / T-Rex: I'd give you a FREE pass! / God: GONNA HAVE TO STICK WITH NOPERS HERE / T-Rex: What if I made... carbonated CARBON? / Utahraptor: That's a terrible idea! / Utahraptor: It doesn't even make sense. If you carbonate a solid the best you're gonna get is a solid with carbon dioxide bubbles in it. And if you've done that you've probably come up with Swiss cheese, so upon closer inspection I think this is a great idea as I would actually like some Swiss cheese, please. / God: CAN I GET SOME TOO
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1101
google would seem to indicate that i came up with that aBOOlitionism ghost joke first, just now! IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU THE POWER OF GENERATIVE GRAMMARS Narrator: HALLOWE'EN JOKES FOR CHILDREN / Narrator: AND ADULTS / Narrator: I GUESS / Narrator: HALLOWE'EN JOKES FOR CHILDREN AND ADULTS / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus! Which kind of street does a ghost love best? / Dromiceiomimus: Which? / T-Rex: A DEAD END! / Dromiceiomimus: Oh my goodness! / T-Rex: I know! Should you laugh... OR RUN IN TERROR? / Narrator: HALLOWE'EN JOKES FOR PEOPLE INTERESTED IN LEARNING MORE ABOUT BATS / T-Rex: Hey Utahraptor! Why don't bats live alone? / Utahraptor: I don't know, T-Rex! Why DON'T bats live alone? / T-Rex: Because they prefer to hang out with their friends! / Utahraptor: Bats are nocturnal mammals who can hang upside down while resting. / Narrator: GENERATIVE HALLOWE'EN JOKES / Voice from outside the panel: What kind of pie do ghosts like? / T-Rex: BOOberry! / Voice from outside the panel: Where do ghosts go on vacation? / T-Rex: Mali-BOO! / Voice from outside the panel: Why do ghosts hate slavery? / T-Rex: Because... they're aBOOlitionists?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1102
an abstract can be abstract, but it doesn't have to be. T-Rex: Homophones are words that SOUND the same but mean different things, like "news" and "gnus". Way to go only part way, HOMOPHONES. / T-Rex: Don't bother showing up to my dinner party, HOMOPHONES. / T-Rex: More impressive, and still invited for Yukon Potato Gnocchi, are words that are SPELT the same, but have two different meanings: words like "attribute" (to credit something to someone) and "attribute" (a property of something)! One's a noun and one's a verb and it's seriously so awesome. I cannot imagine how to perfect these words, as they are already perfect! Oh ho ho! / Utahraptor: But are there really a lot of these words? / T-Rex: Utahraptor! Let's be serious! / T-Rex: Are you not familiar with accent? Or with addict, combine, conduct, conflict, content, and object? PERHAPS YOU'D ALSO LIKE TO SAY HELLO TO PERFECT, PRESENT, PROGRESS, REFUND, SUSPECT, AND UPSET? / Utahraptor: Okay. / T-Rex: Okay. Well. They're at my dinner party tonight. / Narrator: LATER THAT EVENING. / T-Rex: Man! I've got to start inviting REAL people to my parties. / God: WAIT WHAT
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1103
custom can mean "conventional" (its our custom), but also "unique" (a custom suit)! custom, you can come to MY dinner parties anytime. Narrator: LATE LAST NIGHT: / God: T-REX HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF HOMOGRAPHIC HOMOPHONIC AUTANTONYMS / T-Rex: I have not! / God: OKAY SO HERE'S WHAT THEY'RE LIKE / Narrator: THIS MORNING: / T-Rex: Sorry, other word classes! I have a NEW girlfriend now! / T-Rex: A homographic homophonic autantonym is a word that is spelt AND pronounced the same, but has two opposite and contradictory meanings! For example, I can dust a crop (adding pesticides to it), or I can dust a counter (removing dust from it)! Way to go, dust! You are a winner; you are a word that contains multitudes. / Dromiceiomimus: Why do we let language get like this? / T-Rex: Probably because we want it to be incredibly awesome? / Utahraptor: And both "dust"s are the same part of speech there, too, so you can't use word order to determine meaning! / T-Rex: INDEED! / T-Rex: ALL YOU CAN DO is hope to use your real-world knowledge about crops and tables to figure out what's going on. And it's even worse with words like "overlook", meaning "examine" but ALSO meaning "miss noticing entirely". Can't rely on the noun there! / Utahraptor: How come you love words that make communication difficult? / T-Rex: What is not to like? They're words that do their job in the most sarcastic, sullen, passive-aggressive way possible, and they totally get away with it! / T-Rex: I just want to pat them on the head and ruffle their hair, you know?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1104
 
evil_jim from livejournal thinks that panel 4 should be the title of the next dinosaur comics book, if I ever make one. I AM INCLINED TO AGREE T-Rex: He's Just Not That Into You? Come on. I can write a better self-help book for people who want cold-hard yet charmingly sassy relationship advice! / T-Rex: Probably! / Book Cover Text: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOUR RAMBLEY STORIES / Book Cover Text: they go on for SO long and we all get tired / Book Cover Text: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO WOMEN WHO REMIND HIM OF HIS MOTHER / Book Cover Text: Personality-Wise? Maybe It's Your Body. / Book Cover Text: HE'S A TOTAL JERK BUT YOU GET MAD AT US IF WE SAY THAT / Book Cover Text: so this book is about dinosaurs instead / Book Cover Text: happy anniversary / Book Cover Text: HE BROKE UP WITH YOU BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU / Book Cover Text: he didn't dial the wrong number and then break up with you because he thought you were somebody else with the same name that he no longer wanted to be cheating on you with, is the thing / Book Cover Text: YOUR BODY NO LONGER EXCITES HER / Book Cover Text: the book!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1105
that panel 3 "ha ha" is supposed to be a nervous laugh. you can read it as a unkind laugh, but - that's so unkind! Book Cover Text: SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU, MAN / Book Cover Text: Probably She's Attracted To Men Who Are Different From You In Some Way / Book Cover Text: What The Heck, Right? / Book Cover Text: who the heck does she think she is / Book Cover Text: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU…R TASTE IN MUSIC / Book Cover Text: don't worry DON'T WORRY everything else is FINE / Book Cover Text: IN MY LAST BOOK I SAID HE'S JUST NOT INTO YOUR TASTE IN MUSIC BUT WHAT I ACTUALLY WANTED TO TELL YOU WAS THAT HE'S — HE'S GREAT / Book Cover Text: he's a real catch and um, you should get married / Book Cover Text: "tie the knot" / Book Cover Text: ha ha / Book Cover Text: THE MAN WHO KISSED A WOMAN BECAUSE HIS FRIEND AT WORK KEPT TEASING HIM ABOUT NOT KISSING ANYONE FOR A WHILE / Book Cover Text: sure showed HIM / Book Cover Text: HE DOESN'T CALL BECAUSE IT'S LONG DISTANCE AND HE HAS CRIPPLING DEBT / Book Cover Text: you know those stock photos of a man with scissors cutting up his credit cards because he has too much debt? that was him! / Book Cover Text: THAT DOES NOT ERASE YOUR DEBT, MAN WITH SCISSORS / Book Cover Text: MY LAST BOOK WAS MORE ABOUT FINANCIAL ADVICE THAN RELATIONSHIPS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1106
Anyway Whatever Turns Out He Was Into You This Whole Time Book Cover Text: WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP BUYING T-REX'S RELATIONSHIP BOOKS / Book Cover Text: is it because he's on the cover? that's the only reason i can think of / Book Cover Text: WELL HERE HE IS / Book Cover Text: a book by utahraptor / T-Rex: WHAT / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, Utahraptor put me on his friggin' book! It's got me on the cover and it makes me look like I wrote it even though the title is just pure sass. It is pure SASSY MOLASSY. / Dromiceiomimus: Um, why don't you talk to him about it? / T-Rex: I will! Right after I stomp on a few things to work off my anger, that is! / Utahraptor: Hey buddy! / T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR. / T-Rex: The mere sight of you has returned my anger! Why did you put out that book? / Utahraptor: What book? / T-Rex: SOMEONE put out sass-ass book, and said it was by Utahraptor! / Utahraptor: It wasn't me, man! Let me see. Maybe there's a club to who really did it. / Book Cover Text: THAT LAST BOOK WAS PUT OUT BY DROMICEIOMIMUS, NOT BY ME OR UTAHRAPTOR / Book Cover Text: what the heck, dromiceiomimus / Book Cover Text: when will we pick up the phone to talk about this rather than going through publishing companies, is my question
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1107
if you're wondering why you can't see utah's scar, it's because it's on the other side! SUCH A SATISFYING EXPLANATION T-Rex: All I've got to show for the past week is a bunch of books that nobody is ever going to read! / Narrator: LET'S ALL TAKE STOCK OF THE PAST WEEK COMICS / Dromiceiomimus: All I've got to show for the past week is a book I published as part of a practical joke that I really enjoyed! Also I made a delicious meal, but that's gone now. I'm experimenting with eggplant. / T-Rex: Not bad! I wish I could have tried it! / Dromiceiomimus: Next time! / Utahraptor: All I've got to show for the past week is a kick-ass scar! / T-Rex: What?! When did you get that? / Utahraptor: I got it when I fell rocket skating after hang-gliding off a mountain and landing in waiting rocket skates! I hit a bump after a few kilometers. / T-Rex: Man, I missed out on ROCKET SKATING because I was writing books? That sucks! That - / T-Rex: That SUCKS. / God: ALL I'VE GOT TO SHOW FOR THE PAST WEEK IS A POCKET UNIVERSE I CREATED WHERE EVERYONE FINISHES EVERY SENTENCE WITH "TO THE MAX" / T-Rex: Well at least THAT sounds totally awesome to the max! / God: YEAH / God: SAVE IT FOR THE POCKET UNIVERSE MAN
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1108
also involved: issues of privilege, fairness, respect, and whether or not its appropriate to apologize when deciding not to give money to a stranger T-Rex: So this homeless guy asked me for change yesterday. / T-Rex: The first thing I thought was, "Sure!" / T-Rex: But then I thought, well, wait, if I really want to fight homelessness, wouldn't this money be better spent on community programs that fight it, both through helping the homeless, and through political change? But then I thought, well, this guy's right here, you know, and saying that I'm going to make a donation isn't gonna cut it. And then I thought, wait, this guy looks pretty out of it- is he going to spend my money on drugs? Do I want to tacitly support his addiction? / Utahraptor: And then you thought how prejudiced that was? / T-Rex: Sure did! / T-Rex: And then I thought, even if he is going to spend it on drugs, is it my job to deny him money? Should I go around enforcing my morality on others? And then I thought, geez man, how ridiculous am I that a guy asking for change throws me into these throes of self-doubt and analysis? / Utahraptor: Pretty ridiculous? / T-Rex: Pretty ridiculous! But then I recalled Socrates "The unexamined life is not worth living" and at that point my head pretty much exploded. / Utahraptor: Did you give the guy anything? / T-Rex: I gave him my change and whispered "DON'T TELL ANYONE UNTIL I CAN FIGURE US OUT"?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1109
 
attentive readers will notice that i maintained the ounce / pound exchange rate, stable at 1 to 16. they'll also notice that t-rex was going on about homelessness while stepping on homes yesterday. what's the deal, attentive readers? Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE ALL PROVERBS ARE SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT: / T-Rex: My bike broke because I had maintained it poorly. But you know what they say! / T-Rex: "200 kilotons of prevention is worth 3200 kilotons of cure!" / T-Rex: They also say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor in his house. Look: the doctor has no clients." / Dromiceiomimus: Further, T-Rex, they go on to observe that "One bad apple spreads decay to other apples stored nearby. An entire barrel can easily be ruined in this manner." / T-Rex: It's SO TRUE. / Utahraptor: Hey, have you noticed how our proverbs are - a little awkward? / T-Rex: Now that you mention it, I have! / Utahraptor: It's like they're all poorly-phrased versions of things that could be condensed down. Like, "You are what you ingest, figuratively, and, in a sense, literally!" It's just weird. / T-Rex: You'd expect that over time they'd condense down to their core meanings. But I guess that's our friggin' universe for you! / Narrator: LATER, A LONG TRAIN RIDE HOME: / T-Rex: "If there was a singular Dickens who had to pee, I would be SO like him right now."
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1110
THIS COMIC DEDICATED TO NASEEM, "THE FRIEND WHO CHANGED THE TIME FOR THE EVENT BUT NEGLECTED TO UPDATE THE FACEBOOK DOT COM EVENT PAGE" T-Rex: Who was the dude sitting alone at the biggest table in a packed restaurant last night, waiting for friends who never came? It was ME! / T-Rex: Friiiiiig! / Dromiceiomimus: But it's tonight that we're all planning to meet for dinner! / T-Rex: I know! I got the dates confused and there I was, Mr. No Friends Who Likes To Pretend. After about 30 minutes I started smiling at people who'd look at me and make this shrugging "Friends, huh? They sure are unreliable!" gesture, which I'd then follow up with a "I have lots of friends: hand signal. Looks like this. / Utahraptor: So you were That Guy at the restaurant! / T-Rex: I was! But then I started trying to own it, you know? / T-Rex: I ordered this big appetizer platter "for my friends when they arrive" and distributed it so there was food for everyone, slowly picking at my share while the rest went cold. It was great. I perfected this heart-breakingly hopeful glance up whenever new people came it. / Utahraptor: Oh man! / T-Rex: Eventually I just stopped looking up at all, blankly staring at the chicken wing bones on my plate. Finally I ordered a piece of cake with a candle and sang "Happy birthday" to myself, quiet and soft. / T-Rex: The waitress gave me the cake for free!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1111
the wise-cracking criminal owns a parrot who also cracks wise. they don't get along, so he leaves the parrot at home for the duration of the film. T-Rex: I have the greatest idea for a movie! I've said this before but this time it's for serious. There's this cop, right? / T-Rex: Right! / T-Rex: And he's a "by-the-books" cop who does everything "by-the-books". But one day a big crime is committed and the only guy who knows anything about it is this criminal: a criminal who is prone to cracking wise! So the cop and the criminal have to team up to stop the bad guys before they commit crimes again. And at the end they have learned to respect each other's way of life, and they hug for a while. Five stars! / Utahraptor: Aw, T-Rex, come on. Why would a "by-the-books" cop team up with a criminal? / T-Rex: Um, TO SOLVE CRIMES?? / Utahraptor: But he's by the books! I don't think there's anything in the "books" about deputizing criminals to go after other criminals. Why wouldn't he just interrogate him to get the information he needs? / T-Rex: . . .The movie takes place on a planet where interrogation is banned. / Movie Poster Text: On a PLANET where INTERROGATION is BANNED / Movie Poster Text: One "BY THE BOOKS" COP and one WISE-CRACKING CRIMINAL have to TEAM UP to CATCH OTHER CRIMINALS / Movie Poster Text: they eventually UNDERSTAND each other and HUG / Movie Poster Text: also the cop is a DINOSAUR we should have put that on the TOP of the POSTER
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1112
people in england: here in canada we find your british swears to be absolutely charming! the angrier you get the more we say, "hah hah hah, awwww." T-Rex: So Columbus discovers America, right? Or at least, he REdiscovers the continent. He discovers it for Europe. Maybe not for the first time. / T-Rex: Columbus popularizes the continent! / T-Rex: And afterwards, what happens is what cooks call the "Columbian explosion", where fruits and vegetables brought back from the new world have a profound effect on the cooking in the old one! Tomatoes and potatoes are but two of the best-rhyming examples. When people back home discovered these vegetables, they started experimenting with them and coming up with all sorts of crazy, YET DELICIOUS, dishes! The Columbian explosion was an explosion of TASTE. / Utahraptor: And now, Italian food is basically defined by the tomato! / T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: And we don't think "Irish cooking" without "potato", and South Korean food is big on Western peppers too! It must have been an exciting time, trying these new meals that nobody on the continent had ever tasted. / Utahraptor: And they were SO GOOD, they supplemented or replaced existing cultural dishes! / T-Rex: It makes me wish we could have something like that, you know? I'm TIRED of the same old vegetables. / God: I COULD CREATE SOME NEW ONES / T-Rex: And I'm TIRED of God offering to create new vegetables for me. / God: TO THAT I CAN ONLY SAY / God: BOLLOCKS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1113
on the plus side, this alienberry pie is OUTSTANDING. T-Rex: Okay MAYBE there were some downsides to the Columbian explosion. The old world got tomatoes and potatoes, AND corn and peanuts, AND rubber, AND cocoa, and in exchange gave the new world... lettuce? / T-Rex: And also horses! / T-Rex: And also the cholera and influenza and bubonic plague and typhoid fever, and um, smallpox. So basically the world got this explosion of new and tasty times, but also this exchange of disease, and just about every culture on Earth was affected. But what's neat is that we can look forward to the same thing if we ever encounter alien life! / Utahraptor: Except it's unlikely that we'd be vulnerable to their diseases. / T-Rex: Well... MAYBE. / T-Rex: But we don;t know anything about alien life! Maybe they'll look just like us AND share diseases with us, but with pointier ears. And logic? / Utahraptor: Or maybe they'll look like us, but, you know, ten times sexier. Everyone on Earth will feel bad about their bodies for the rest of time! / Narrator: MEANWHILE IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE THIS HAS HAPPENED: / T-Rex: maybe... / T-Rex: maybe i should get me some clothes
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1114
 

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