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guest week 2007: rebecca kraatz of house of sugar Beneath the Skirt of the Eastend Enchantress by Rebecca Kraatz / Narrator: In 1922 in southern Saskatchewan lived a young woman, Helen, known as the Eastend Enchantress. / Narrator: Helen's beauty and talent were comparable to any lass in Hollywood. / Narrator: But tragedy struck when she fell off a horse and broke her leg. / Doctor: Gangrene has set in, Helen. I'm afraid... I'll... I'll have to amputate it. / Helen: Okay, doctor. / Narrator: Soon after she made an announcement. / Helen: I will give my hand in marriage to the fellow who creates for me the most lovely yet comfortable fake leg. / Narrator: One hundred single men went to work. / Narrator: Carpenters shaped and carved wood. / Narrator: A newspaper reporter made a leg of paper and wrote upon it a declaration of his devotion. / Narrator: A blacksmith hammered and fused a gorgeous gam out of iron rods. / Narrator: Helen carefully tried on all the legs made for her. / Helen's thoughts: Hmm? / Narrator: She chose to walk down the aisle with a British Archaeologist who was passing through town. / Narrator: Underneath her wedding dress was a dinosaur bone the Archaeologist had dug up in the nearby Cypress Hills.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=995
guest week 2007: aaron diaz of dresdencodak.com! T-Rex: Lately I've been thinking about the role of popular culture references in popular culture! / Narrator: T-REX IN: HYPERREAL COMICS / T-Rex: I'm getting pretty sick of nostalgic references to things like movies and video games passing for humor and creativity! People bark like trained seals any time they encounter something they're familiar with! / T-Rex: Heck, there are even subgenres of our culture that exist only to reference other subgenres! / Utahraptor: Don't you think you're being kind of overzealous? / T-Rex: Maybe! I guess nothing's completely original, but I fear that modern media has become nothing more than a recursive loop with no discernible, objective reality! / Utrahraptor: It sounds like we're being forced to accept the classical notion that there never was any objective existence in the first place! / T-Rex: To be honest, all I want is a punchline that doesn't rely on reminding me of what I liked when I was 7! / Narrator: LATER... / T-Rex: Whoops!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=996
guest week 2007: jeff rowland of jjrowland.com T-Rex: Hey is there any way we can get a larger selection of genital down here? These ones are getting booooring! / God: I have had it with his infernal bellyaching! / Narrator: Incurring the wrath of god comix! / God: How about instead I annihilate your species with a giant piece of rock? / T-Rex: How about go for it, smart guy! You made the Earth too perfect! Sure you can take me out now but in a few million years a new species will develop that'll make you wish i was still around! / God: But a few million years is just like a few seconds in god-time! / T-Rex: Yup! / God: Fine! I'm going to take a bath. I'll be back in five minutes to decide your fate... / T-Rex: Ok! / T-Rex: Hey wait! You forgot something! Come baaaack!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=997
guest week 2007: eric millikin of fetusx.com T-Rex: They've come to crush our lovely log cabins, / But don't you all cry when that crap happens! / When there's a dinosaur war and you're in the middle / Entertain yourself by making up riddles! / Q: What's a good reason for a dinosaur to give when going for a proctologist check? / A: Try "Anus sore was wrecked!"
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=998
originally t-rex was going to break into the radio station instead, commandeering it for a batman call-in show ''that the public demands'', but i didn't want to have him to spend his 1000th comic in jail :( T-Rex: Superman has given Batman a small supply of kryptonite, so if Superman ever goes CRAZY and starts killing people, Batman can take him down. / T-Rex: This, my friends, is the true meaning of friendship! / T-Rex: Superman trusts Batman with his LIFE. / T-Rex: Can you imagine, Dromiceiomimus? / T-Rex: It would be like me giving you a gun with bullets that ONLY SHOOT ME, except you're grimmer, and people make gay jokes about you even though come on, Robin is just a ward, and your parents were murdered by a dude named "Joe Chill" of all things, and also you live in a cave. / Dromiceiomimus: Also, YOU can shoot lasers with your eyes. / T-Rex: Also that, yes. / Utahraptor: So the true meaning of friendship is trusting your BFF to kill you? / T-Rex: Absolutely! / T-Rex: That's awesome! / T-Rex: Can you imagine having that kind of relationship with someone? / T-Rex: That kind of trust, but also the dark underscoring of the fact that you know they'll do what's necessary if they have to? / Utahraptor: I guess! / T-Rex: Do - do you want ME to maybe shoot you if you start slappin' folks around? / Narrator: THAT NIGHT, T-REX VISITS A RADIO STATION AND INSISTS ON TALKING ABOUT BATMAN: / T-Rex: The thing is, Nora, if knowledge about Batman was profitable, I would be driving around in a pretty fancy rocket car
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=999
 
Kangaroo Kicking Record Narrator: FOUR YEARS AGO: / T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for being remembered! My lovely visage, callipygian frame, startlingly awesome calves and charming smile will yet go down in history! And how will I be immortalized? / T-Rex: I will be immortalized by kicking an evil kangaroo one thousand times. Right in the bum! / T-Rex: And YEAH, kicking a kangaroo in the bum has PROBABLY been done before, but never one thousand times! That's the secret to immortality: pick a direction and go SO FAR OUT in it that anyone who points to you will have to say, "Here, this is as far as anyone needs to go." Then, hey presto, you're immortalized! You're the dude who kicked an evil kangaroo as often as evil kangaroos could ever need be kicked- probably more often, actually. / Utahraptor: So you're going for recordbook immortality? / T-Rex: Crazy utahraptor!! / T-Rex: I'm going for STUNT immortality. I'll just keep kicking that kangaroo until even if somebody wanted to catch up, they'd look at my record and say "Well, THAT'S totally not worth doing". / Utahraptor: I guess, if that's how you want to spend your life. / T-Rex: IT APPARENTLY IS / Narrator: FOUR YEARS LATER: / T-Rex: Aw shoot, I was supposed to be kicking kangaroos all this time! / GOD: LOOKS LIKE PEOPLE WILL JUST REMEMBER YOU FOR TALKING A BIG GAME MY FRIEND / T-Rex: I will take what I can get!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1000
it's called 'life of crime' and it's extremely excellent. you should buy one. T-Rex: I've thought of the best story! Oh goodness. This story will make me RICH. It will make me PRIME MINISTER of being rich. I will be awarded a doctorate in APPLIED RICHOLOGY. / T-Rex: I can only hope the world is ready for it! / T-Rex: So BASICALLY in the story there's all this build up about this kid whose parents named her Crime and how she grows into her name and becomes this big arch-criminal! The cops are powerless to stop her, even the really really good ones. ESPECIALLY the really really good ones. Anyway it's narrated in the third person and at the end of the book Crime goes out on a few dates with the narrator and then he abruptly stops writing because he's all cheezed at her. The end! / Utahraptor: But - why is he all cheezed at her? / T-Rex: Because he always has to pay for everything! / T-Rex: Get it? Because CRIME DOESN'T PAY!! Listen, my story has both a hilarious twist ending and also an important message regarding the paying of crime. / T-Rex: Dear mental diary that everyone can hear: Utahraptor was so impressed with my book idea that he forgot how to talk! / Utahraptor: I didn't forget how to talk! I just forgot how to shoot down your idea politely! / T-Rex: Utahraptor!! DON'T LISTEN TO MY DIARY!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1001
as a bonus, 'life of crime' is included as an illustrative anecdote at the end of the book. STRAIGHT TO NUMBER ONE ON THE NEW YORK TIMES, BABY! Narrator: DATING TIPS COMICS / Narrator: now featuring: tips i found in this one book! / T-Rex: Here are some HOT TIPS FOR FIRST DATES, cats and kittens! / T-Rex: Okay! The first tip is this: to find out if your date is REALLY into you, all you have to do is push a salt shaker over to their side of the table! If he's interested in you, he'll pick it up and play with it, but if he's NOT interested, he'll push it back to your side. The salt shaker represents your feelings, here, okay? And playing with a salt shaker represents ROMANTIC INTENT. / Utahraptor: That's stupid! It's semantically overloading practical actions. / T-Rex: See, I thought so too! / T-Rex: But I just thought I was crazy, because why would someone put out a dating book if all they had were sucky tips that can TOTALLY FAIL if the guy just wants saltier, and therefore tastier, fries? I could write a better dating book. IN FACT...! / Utahraptor: Aw no, no, you don't - / Narrator: MEET SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T SUCK THEN TRY KISSING THEM / Narrator: A BOOK THAT WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1002
as a bonus, 'life of crime' is included as an illustrative anecdote at the end of the book. STRAIGHT TO NUMBER ONE ON THE NEW YORK TIMES, BABY! Narrator: DATING TIPS COMICS / Narrator: now featuring: tips i found in this one book! / T-Rex: Here are some HOT TIPS FOR FIRST DATES, cats and kittens! / T-Rex: Okay! The first tip is this: to find out if your date is REALLY into you, all you have to do is push a salt shaker over to their side of the table! If he's interested in you, he'll pick it up and play with it, but if he's NOT interested, he'll push it back to your side. The salt shaker represents your feelings, here, okay? And playing with a salt shaker represents ROMANTIC INTENT. / Utahraptor: That's stupid! It's semantically overloading practical actions. / T-Rex: See, I thought so too! / T-Rex: But I just thought I was crazy, because why would someone put out a dating book if all they had were sucky tips that can TOTALLY FAIL if the guy just wants saltier, and therefore tastier, fries? I could write a better dating book. IN FACT...! / Utahraptor: Aw no, no, you don't - / Narrator: MEET SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T SUCK THEN TRY KISSING THEM / Narrator: A BOOK THAT WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1002
T-REX didn't you learn anything from the beatles you don't SAY that T-Rex: It's been three days and neither "Life of Crime" nor "Meet Someone who Doesn't Suck" have made me rich. MAYBE I AM NOT THAT GREAT AN AUTHOR?? / T-Rex: Or maybe PEOPLE are not that great an audience! / Dromiceiomimus: Or maybe you have to wait longer for a book to turn a profit! / T-Rex: Or MAYBE I should be happy that I basically wrote two books in as many days, and got them published in an afternoon, and that's kinda impressive even if they aren't selling that well so far?? / Utahraptor: Or maybe if they were selling well, you wouldn't know it yet! / T-Rex: THAT'S RIGHT! / T-Rex: Maybe I really am great, just impatient, and when I get home tonight there'll be a sales report in the mail showing how my books are now TEN TIMES MORE POPULAR THAN THE BIBLE. It would make sense, since they have like twenty times as many jokes in them! / Utahraptor: Maybe? / God: OR MAYBE I JUST DIDN'T PUT MANY JOKES IN THE BIBLE BECAUSE OF TRANSLATION ISSUES. / T-Rex: Hey everyone! You know what needs more jokes? ONLY EVERY RELIGIOUS TEXT EVER!! / God: AW MAN - NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH ALL THESE RAISED EXPECTATIONS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1003
t-rex is brushing his hands together in the last panel, in the way that one is inclined to do when one has solved a problem Once And For All T-Rex: Alright! Time to start some INTERNET BUSINESSES. / T-Rex: For profits! / Narrator: SOON: / T-Rex: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: easydudes.com! / T-Rex: It's an easy way for you to meet new dudes! If you move to a new town and want to meet some dudes then you can go to the site and then you can meet some. On the COMPUTER! / Dromiceiomimus: It sounds a little more like a service to hook people up with sexually permissive and sexually available dudes, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Drat! It DOES. Another brilliant idea ruined by a hilarious double entendre. / Narrator: SOON: / T-Rex: Okay, so my new idea is to give the homeless access to mail, email, and a phone number! / Utahraptor: Nice! / Utahraptor: It can be hard for the homeless to get jobs when they can't provide callback information, so this will be a useful service. Good show, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Yes, thank you! I think the world will be altered positively by BumAccess4All Dot Net. / Narrator: SOON: / T-Rex: There! Now I've got a certificate from the mayor that says I'm not allowed to name anything ever! / T-Rex: THAT should finally straighten up some things around here!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1004
 
being a founder of modern philosophy is nothing but ess tea arr ee ess ess T-Rex: Descartes was a dude who wrote "Cogito ergo sum" which means "I think, therefore I am". PRETTY NEAT, cats and kittens! / T-Rex: But also...PRETTY FLAWED?? / T-Rex: The whole deal with "I think, therefore I am" is that Descartes is all "DAAAAAAMN, I can't be sure of ANYTHING! My senses are flawed. All I know for sure is I keep STRESSIN' about this stuff!" and then his girlfriend is all "If you're so hung up on this then you must exist, huh baby?" and Descartes is all "Yes. That is true. I will write this down in Latin." / T-Rex: That is how it went down. / Utahraptor: So what's the problem, besides your unnecessary storytelling? / T-Rex: Descartes' girlfriend! / T-Rex: She's making a huge logical leap! It's indisputible that thinking is going on, right, but we don't know for sure that Descartes is doing the thinking! All we know for sure is that thinking is going on. / Utahraptor: I agree! / T-Rex: R-Really? / Utahraptor: Yeah! You can't have thinking in a vacuum, so SOMETHING must exist if there's thinking going on... / T-Rex & Utahraptor: ...but to attribute that thinking to yourself just because you're aware of it is an awful big leap for a skeptic to make! / T-Rex: OH MY GOODNESS HOW DID WE JUST DO THAT
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1005
dog breederies are where you get dog breeders from. i shouldn't have to tell you this? T-Rex: Here are some things that DEFINITELY won't fit into my mouth. I tried! They won't fit. / T-Rex: First off: dog breederies, solar panel processing plants, and giant cubes! / T-Rex: Also: twenty cars on a stick. Sound stages, every library (individually AND en masse), medium-sized cubes that are still pretty big, lakes, beer-flavoured lakes, and beer-flavoured lakes in Minnesota. / Dromiceiomimus: I know for a fact that on e of those doesn't exist, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Doesn't exist in my mouth, that is!! Because it's too big? / Utahraptor: Not much to talk about today, huh? / T-Rex: What? There's plenty to talk about! / Utahraptor: It's just, YESTERDAY you had some neat ideas about knowledge and existence, and today you're all "here are some things that don't fit in my big ol' mouth" and your TOTALLY LYING about trying them; I can tell. / T-Rex: They dovetail together nicely. / Utahraptor: I don't see how! / Narrator: T-REX EXPLAINS: / Utahraptor: Ah, that makes perfect sense! Thanks, T-Rex! Now I know how digital timers work. / T-Rex: You're welcome! / T-Rex: Now, HERE'S how putting the things in my mouth ties in with existence. . .
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1006
Dinosaur Comics - June 4th, 2007 - awesome fun times! T-Rex: Pathetic fallacy is when nature reflects someone's emotions. It happens whenever Shakespeare gets pissed, and then the dude who he's pissed at gets eaten by a bear! / LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS / today's technique / PATHETIC FALLACY / Dromiceiomimus: That's not pathetic fallacy! It's when you give emotions to inanimate objects: "ice wants to float," and so on. It can also happen when when weather mirrors a character's emotions, like when Shakespeare gets sad, and it starts to rain. I think that's what you meant? / T-Rex: OR, when Shakespeare gets pissed, and then a bear shows up and eats whoever pissed him off!! Hah, looks like YOU pissed off the wrong playwright, dude!! He's in with the BEARS!! / Utahraptor: The phrase comes about because of the "pathos" meaning of "pathetic"! / T-Rex: Yes! / Tex-R: And "fallacy" is there because in real life, it doesn't actually rain when I get sad. / Utahraptor: Maybe it doesn't happen for you because YOU'RE not a main character! In the story of life? / T-Rex: I don't know why you'd say that to me, Utahraptor. / MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND / T-Rex: William Shakespeare, if you were pissed off at me, would I REALLY get eaten by a bear? / Shakespeare: i don't even know who you are!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1007
Dinosaur Comics - June 4th, 2007 - awesome fun times! T-Rex: Pathetic fallacy is when nature reflects someone's emotions. It happens whenever Shakespeare gets pissed, and then the dude who he's pissed at gets eaten by a bear! / LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS / today's technique / PATHETIC FALLACY / Dromiceiomimus: That's not pathetic fallacy! It's when you give emotions to inanimate objects: "ice wants to float," and so on. It can also happen when when weather mirrors a character's emotions, like when Shakespeare gets sad, and it starts to rain. I think that's what you meant? / T-Rex: OR, when Shakespeare gets pissed, and then a bear shows up and eats whoever pissed him off!! Hah, looks like YOU pissed off the wrong playwright, dude!! He's in with the BEARS!! / Utahraptor: The phrase comes about because of the "pathos" meaning of "pathetic"! / T-Rex: Yes! / Tex-R: And "fallacy" is there because in real life, it doesn't actually rain when I get sad. / Utahraptor: Maybe it doesn't happen for you because YOU'RE not a main character! In the story of life? / T-Rex: I don't know why you'd say that to me, Utahraptor. / MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND / T-Rex: William Shakespeare, if you were pissed off at me, would I REALLY get eaten by a bear? / Shakespeare: i don't even know who you are!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1007
where herzog fears chickens i fear cephalopods. i feel our fear comes from the same place. Narrator: COMICS IN WHICH GOD HIMSELF QUOTES WERNER HERZONG. / God: LIFE IN THE OCEANS MUST BE SHEER HELL / T-Rex: I guess so, huh? / God: A VAST MERCILESS HELL OF PERMANENT AND IMMEDIATE DANGER / T-Rex: Yep! / God: SO MUCH OF A HELL THAT DURING EVOLUTION SOME SPECIES - INCLUDING MAN - CRAWLED - FLED ONTO SOME SMALL CONTINENTS OF SOLID LAND WHERE THE LESSONS OF DARKNESS CONTINUE / T-Rex: That's certainly one way of looking at it, right, Dromiceiomimums? / Narrator: the end / Narrator: COMICS FOR TEENS today's installment: "THE PRIVATE TOOTER" / T-Rex: what do you call a teacher who never passes gas in public? / Utahraptor: What? / T-Rex: A private tooter! / Narrator: SECONDS LATER: / T-Rex: That was an extremely hilarious joke that deserved more laughter than it received. / Narrator: the end.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1008
will t-rex wear these glasses tomorrow? SPOILER ALERT: he will probably have buyer's regret, but will still be liable to bust them out whenever he's nostalgic for 2004, OR for new year's eve 2003. T-Rex: I went to the optometrist AGAIN last night, and AGAIN she said I might need to get nerd goggles! / T-Rex: (She called them "glasses" but you can tell she was thinking "nerd goggles"!) / T-Rex: The PROBLEM is that I define myself in terms of not having glasses! People are always "Oh. You're lookng for T-Rex? He's the green tyrannosaurus rex over there! You'll be able to spot him because he's so not wearing glasses." / Dromiceiomimus: Aw, I think you'd look cute in them! I also think you can turn this around and make glasses your thing, you know? / Narrator :SHORTLY THEREAFTER . / T-Rex: Maybe Dromiceiomimus is right! / Utahraptor: She usually is! / T-Rex: I COULD get some pretty kick-ass glasses. Like glasses that say "WARNING: AWESOME DUDE" on them! OOH, or horn-rimmed 60s housewife glasses! Sweetness! / Utahraptor: You'll have to wear them every day, so maybe you'll, um, want to see how they look before you commit? / Narrator: A FEW DAYS LATER: / T-Rex: I'm here to pick up my prescription "Happy New year 2004" glasses! They have a plastic "2" on one side and a "4" on the other. / Optometrist Clerk: Sir, you have made an unforgettable choice. / T-Rex: I like you too, optometrist clerk!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1009
 
if i had a friend who was a rock star you could rename my comic to 'PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE DINOSAUR COMICS'. but i don't! or if i did i'm sure he'd be cool! Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX IS A PROFESSIONAL SINGER: / T-Rex: Rock star! / Narrator: ROCK STAR / T-Rex: I'm a totally cool rock star! / T-Rex: That's still awesome, right? It seems that 10 years ago people were more into rock stars and being rock stars than they are now. But I am a rock star and it is my job to sing rock songs on stage and in CD players!! / Dromiceiomimus: Do your other rock star friends talk like that? Do they reference themselves as "cool rock star[s]"? / T-Rex: Sometimes we do, Dromiceiomimus. BETWEEN ROCK SONGS, THAT IS!! / Utahraptor: Hey, how come we never get to meet your rock star friends? / T-Rex: Well - um... / Utahraptor: Are you ASHAMED of us, T-Rex? / T-Rex: No! They're just different people! You wouldn't get along. They like rocking and you - / Utahraptor: I like rocking! / T-Rex: But in DIFFERENT WAYS. / T-Rex: Utahraptor, I've got to go practice rocking out now, but can we talk about this tonight? / Utahraptor [offscreen]: No! You're being a jerk! / T-Rex: Utahraptor! I'm super late for rocking out practice, okay? / T-Rex: I'm gonna need you to respect the rock, okay?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1010
the prince of zombie whales T-Rex: I have some bad news: zombies are in danger of becoming old hat! It's TRUE. But I have a solution to make them interesting again: all you need is stories where not just people but ANIMALS become undead! / T-Rex: Zombie whales! / T-Rex: But better than that: zombie BIRDS. / Dromiceiomimus: Didn't Hitchcock make a movie about that? / T-Rex: Upon inspection: basically? The birds DID want to eat people in his movie. But that's a scary concept, right? Birds hungering for flesh is bad news for everyone! / T-Rex: It's, uh, it's especially bad for fleshy dudes. / Utahraptor: You're dancing around the REAL threat here, T-Rex: ZOMBIE MOSQUITOES. / T-Rex: OH / T-Rex: MY / T-Rex: GOD / T-Rex: You're right! The infection would spread quickly and nearly invisibly! And mosquitoes already want blood, so it's not like they need THAT much encouragement to become zombies. Man! / Utahraptor: I guess we can only hope that the insect kingdom never becomes zombified? / T-Rex: I guess so!! / Narrator: 28 DAYS LATER: / Off-panel: Save us! Save us from the zombie butterflies! / T-Rex: WEAAAAAAAK
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1011
finally this spot was meant as an archive title but i mostly use it to talk about how many showers i've had today (wednesday, so far: one and one half) T-Rex: Hello Morris! How are you today? / Morris: oh hello there t-rex! it's super nice to see a friendly face today / T-Rex: It's nice to see you too, Morris! / Morris: aw shucks t-rex, you're a real good friend, you know that? a real good friend. anyway, you should be extra careful not to eat me today or anything because i guess i got turned into a zombie last night! today has definitely had its share of challenges for me, huh / T-Rex: What?! Seriously? / Morris: yeah! and i dunno what i did wrong because i went to bed like normal last night but when i woke up in the morning i had zombie disease! so it was real embarrassing / Morris:but don't worry, i'm not going to turn you guys into zombies too! i wouldn't be a very good friend if i did that, and the book i got at the centre says that being a good friend is awful important! / Morris:i always try to be a good friend, even though things pretty often don't work out very well for me in the end / Utahraptor: Aw, Morris! You don't look very undead to me! / Morris: aw, that probably just means i've messed up somewhere again. the problem is that i'm not real good at biting people, you know? and biting people is all zombies do! i didn't know, but being a zombie is an awful hassle / Utahraptor: I'm pretty sure you're not actually undead, Morris! Normally zombies can't talk. / T-Rex: Yeah, or work on their Life Challenges! I think you're FINE. / Morris: you mean i'm doing that wrong too? oh goodness, i must be the worst zombie going. plus that book i got from the centre is way overdue! / T-Rex: It's not too late to return it, Morris! / Morris: but i promised the staff there that i'd be extra certain to return it on time! / Morris: i guess i'm probably off your christmas card list this year, huh t-rex
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1012
since pi is universal, any sufficiently-advance alien culture probably has a similar joke to feynman's about pi. it is a Universal Joke. that's nuts! T-Rex: I am jealous of physicist RICHARD FEYNMAN. / T-Rex: Aaaand here's why! / T-Rex: Dude made a joke about the 762nd decimal place of pi! At that point, there's a sequence of six nines in a row, and his joke was that he'd like to memorize pi up to that point, so that when reciting he could end with "9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9... and so on." Others had noticed it before FEYNMAN was the first to make a joke about it, and now his joke is encoded into the very fabric of the universe! / Utahraptor: And that makes you irrationally jealous? / T-Rex: Hells yes! / T-Rex: Feynman has a JOKE encoded into pi - transcendental immortality in the circumference of a circle! That's something for the ol' resume, eh? / Utahraptor: I guess! / T-Rex: I'm gonna make my own universal constant joke now, and I'm gonna need you to tell people about it. / T-Rex: So! Why do people start getting afraid at the 2501st digit of e? Because 7 8 9! There's a sequence of "789" that starts there, and it sounds like "seven ate nine"! This is definitely called "T-Rex's Hilarious e joke", okay?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1013
Dinosaur Comics - June 15th, 2007 - awesome fun times! Narrator: THE PROBLEM WITH RELATIONSHIPS / T-Rex: The problem with relationships is that they involve more than one person! And here's the thing... / T-Rex: ...what if one of the people involved is a jerk? / T-Rex: They can jerk the whole thing up! What's up with them? / Dromiceiomimus: Yeah! What IS up with the jerks? / T-Rex: I wish I knew!! / T-Rex: I - / T-Rex: I wish I knew. / Utahraptor: You know who this reminds me of? Jake! / T-Rex: Oh man, Jake! / T-Rex: He was the biggest jerk! Do you remember when I asked him if I could borrow his pencil sharpener, and he said "no" and then hid it from me? He jerked up that relationship but good! / Utahraptor: I don't think I was there for that. / T-Rex: Huh! I wonder what he's up to these days? / Jake: I'm up to about 6 feet, dudes! / T-Rex: Jake! Your sudden appearance coupled with your hilarious one-liner has made me forget all your previous slights against me! / T-Rex: How come you're so short? / {{title text: 'CAUSE THEY'RE DINOSAURS, RIGHT??}}
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1014
Dinosaur Comics - June 15th, 2007 - awesome fun times! Narrator: THE PROBLEM WITH RELATIONSHIPS / T-Rex: The problem with relationships is that they involve more than one person! And here's the thing... / T-Rex: ...what if one of the people involved is a jerk? / T-Rex: They can jerk the whole thing up! What's up with them? / Dromiceiomimus: Yeah! What IS up with the jerks? / T-Rex: I wish I knew!! / T-Rex: I - / T-Rex: I wish I knew. / Utahraptor: You know who this reminds me of? Jake! / T-Rex: Oh man, Jake! / T-Rex: He was the biggest jerk! Do you remember when I asked him if I could borrow his pencil sharpener, and he said "no" and then hid it from me? He jerked up that relationship but good! / Utahraptor: I don't think I was there for that. / T-Rex: Huh! I wonder what he's up to these days? / Jake: I'm up to about 6 feet, dudes! / T-Rex: Jake! Your sudden appearance coupled with your hilarious one-liner has made me forget all your previous slights against me! / T-Rex: How come you're so short? / {{title text: 'CAUSE THEY'RE DINOSAURS, RIGHT??}}
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1014
 
saying that is like unwrapping the paper on the present that is old age Narrator : T-REX AS AN OLD MAN COMICS / T-Rex: Guys, I'm still the same T-Rex I always was! / T-Rex: I'm even pretty well preserved: check it out, Dromiceiomimus! Barely any wrinkles! / Domiceiomimus: That's nice, T-Rex. / T-Rex: Also I've got my trademark "nice calves" and "young smile". I'm so old! AND YET, I'm so sexy! / Utharaptor: Hey, you know what's rad? Old dudes not talking about how sexy they are. / T-Rex: I'm young at heart! / T-Rex: I just don't want to be one of those guys who let's being old be - all they do, you know? Being old is at best incidental to what I do, and what I do is BE TOTALLY RAD. / Utahraptor: And totally self aggrandizing. / T-Rex: And that! In between radness! My point is: I'm not old. / Narrator: BUT SECRETELY, WHEN T-REX IS HOME ALONE: / T-Rex : Gosh darn it! If these rappers spoke more slowly, we'd ALL be able to understand what they're saying.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1015
deleted dialogue had utahraptor saying 'my real objection is that by stringing together all these separate sentences with semicolons, you're really missing the spirit of the exercise, aren't you?' and then t-rex saying 'you forget though that Semicolons; Narrator: WHAT IS THE BEST SENTENCE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE COMICS / T-Rex: "I love you"! / T-Rex: No, too easy. Um - "I love you, AND ALSO, how about all these dollars?" / Dromiceiomimus: How about "We have cured all diseases!"? / T-Rex: No good, unless it's followed by "also, we've found new places for everyone to live comfortably; and hey, guess what: they're sweet new planets and we get there on starships, like from TV!" / Utahraptor: I would have thought you'd choose something closer to "And THAT'S why they call me the widowmaker". / T-Rex: That IS good! / T-Rex: How about "Ladies! There's enough T-Rex to go around!" / Utahraptor: It sounds a little like there's a bunch of female cannibals eating you. / T-Rex: Okay. "Ladies! There's enough T-Rex to go around... FOR SEXUAL CONGRESS!" / Narrator: HEY! HERE'S THE ONE TIME T-REX EVER SAYS THAT SENTENCE: / T-Rex: Ladies! There's enough T-Rex to go around... FOR SEXUAL CONGRESS! / Dudes: We're just a regular congress! / Dudes: Also, we're dudes! / Dudes: Also... PROCEED
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1016
the last two sentences in this comic have never been said together before, until now. i will bet fifty cents on it. Narrator: WHAT IS THE WORST SENTENCE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE COMICS / T-Rex: "Your mouth is full of cockroaches: many of them are dead, but those that aren't yet are throwing up on you, and each other." / Narrator: SECONDS LATER: / T-Rex: I'm sorry, everyone within the sound of my voice! That was disgusting! / T-Rex: I didn't mean for that to be as gross as it was. I should have went with "I never loved you!". That's pretty bad, eh? / Dromiceiomimus: Can cockroaches throw up? I think I read somewhere that they can't throw up. / T-Rex: I think you're thinking of rats. / Dromiceiomimus: Ah, that's right. / Utahraptor: So, I guess we're not that into the "worst sentence ever" thing? / T-Rex: No, no, we're into it! / T-Rex: Here: How about "Everyone else on the planet is dead, and you will die only when you've fully mourned each and every one." / Utahraptor: That's not bad! That's immortality for the self-centered! / Narrator: HERE'S THE ONE TIME T-REX EVER SAYS THAT SENTENCE: / T-Rex: Excuse me, sexual congress? Everyone else on the planet is dead, and you'll only die when you've fully mourned each and every one! / Sexual Congress: That's terrible! / Sexual Congress: Guys, stop sexing me for a minute!! I need to talk to this dinosaur.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1017
it's not actually his gun. chekhov, i mean. it's metaphorical. anyway. T-Rex: Chekhov's gun is when you have something conspicuously introduced early on in the story, but which doesn't become important until later on! It happens whenever Shakespeare loudly mentions how he loves Pop Tarts, and later he eats a bunch of Pop Tarts! / Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS / Narrator: today's technique: CHEKHOV'S GUN / T-Rex: It comes from this playwright Chekhov, who said that if you have a gun on the stage in the first act of a play, it had better be fired by the third! It's been used to sustain interest since forever: James Bond often gets a bunch of gadgets at the beginning of his movie which he'll use later on, and even Perseus got gadgets from the GODS to kill Medusa with! It's the same idea, only Bond's better because he has more explosions. Looks like you lose, Perseus!! / Utahraptor: So if you have Bond getting gadgets that he doesn't use, that's not Chekhov's Gun? / T-Rex: Nope! / T-Rex: That's just FRUSTRATED EXPECTATIONS. Honestly, why give James Bond a gun that shoots piranhas if he's never going to fire it? People truly want to see that in action. Also: guns that shoot chainsaws. / Utahraptor: I'd like to see your Bond movie. / T-Rex: I WOULD TOO, darn it. / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND! / T-Rex: Shakespeare, which is better: a gun that shoots chainsaws, or a gun that shoots EVEN BIGGER GUNS? / T-Rex: Shakespeare? / T-Rex: Aw, come on! There's strawberry frosting all over "As You Like It"!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1018
i don't own any stock in nintendo, but that's only because i don't like to mix money with friendship. T-Rex: I am not a dude who loves big companies. / T-Rex: ...Sometimes I like their products? / T-Rex: But I don't feel chummy with Microsoft, or that Sony is going to come over, eat pizza with me, and talk about the women he likes! No. Sony is going to come over, ruffle through my CD collection, then call the cops on his cell phone. Sony is going to write swears on my bathroom mirror with lipstick and blame it on Nestl?. / T-Rex: SONY is going to be stone cold sober the entire time. / Utahraptor: But let me guess: there's one big company you really like? / T-Rex: There is indeed!! / T-Rex: NINTENDO. I guess they got me when I was young an uncritical, but I really LIKE them, you know? When they do well, I seriously think, "Aw, that's nice. Good for them!" / Utahraptor: When multinationals do well, I usually feel like that's bad news for me. / T-Rex: Me too! But not with Nintendo! / T-Rex: You know what would go down if Nintendo came over? I'd sat "Oh hello, Nintendo! It's so nice to see you again!" / T-Rex: "Aw shucks! I guess it IS true that you're never too old to hug, Nintendo!" / T-Rex: "Nintendo, I just... I JUST WISH I HAD A SISTER YOU COULD MARRY."
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1019
 
my freezer is ALSO dying a slow death! TORONTO PEOPLE: meat party tomorrow night?? maybe even tonight. i'll be in touch! Narrator: EIGHTEEN HOURS AGO. / T-Rex: Aw damn! My freezer is broken! / Narrator: SEVENTEEN HOURS AGO. / T-Rex: So do you want to come over for a meat party, Dromiceiomimus? I had my freezer stuffed with meat and it's all thawing now. The chicken's got to be cooked and I figure there's more than enough to go around! I've also got steaks AND pork chops and tons more. / Dromiceiomimus: Meat party! / T-Rex: MEAT PARTY!! / Narrator: TWELVE HOURS AGO. / Utahraptor: This meat is extremely delicious! / T-Rex: I know it!! / Utahraptor: Never have I tasted the flesh of SO MANY animals in so short a time period. / T-Rex: I only wish I'd frozen lobsters! / Utahraptor: Next time, I guess! / Narrator: THE PRESENT / T-Rex: Four hundred dollars for a new freezer? / T-Rex: BULL / T-Rex: SHIT
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1020
if i had three wishes bequeathed to me, don't you know exactly what they would be Narrator: the dinosaur comic players answer: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD THREE WISHES / T-Rex: Wow, three wishes! / T-Rex: Nothing wrong with that! / Dromiceiomimus: I think I would wish that everyone would be happy forever / T-Rex: But you know how wishes are, Dromiceiomimus - they always end up with IRONIC and UNEXPECTEDLY NEGATIVE consequences. It's the nature of the beast! We'd probably end up mindless but technically "happy". / Dromiceiomimus: I'd use my other two wishes as damage control, T-Rex / Utahraptor: What would you do with your wishes? / T-Rex: You know what? / T-Rex: I think I'd hold off on them. I'd like to go through life with the special knowledge that worse comes to worst, I could always wish for a problem to be solved. / Utahraptor: Wow, that's an unexpectedly mature response. I figured you'd wish for "happy women with steaks" or something! / T-Rex: Aw MAN! Best wish ever? / [[T-Rex holding a steak in a thought bubble]] / Women: t-rex, these steaks are starting to make us sad / T-Rex: Not allowed, ladies!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1021
Alternate Ending Comics Narrator: ALTERNATE ENDING COMICS / Narrator: remember these comics? DON'T YOU WISH THEY HAD ENDED DIFFERENTLY?? / T-Rex: I had a friend (female) who dated her roommate (also female). / T-Rex: Lesbians! / T-Rex: I respect their choices and don't fetishize their sexuality at all. / Narrator: THE END / Narrator: URBAN LEGEND COMICS / Utahraptor: Hey, T-Rex! I heard that a friend of yours won the lottery and became ultra rich! / T-Rex: You heard INCORRECTLY! He won the lottery, but only recovered the cost of his ticket. / Utahraptor: Oh. / Narrator: "BASED ON A TRUE STORY??"
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1022
utahraptor's original spy name was 'agent orange' Narrator: MODERN STENOGRAPHY / T-Rex: Guys stenography is so awesome! / T-Rex: I AM NOT EVEN JOKING. / T-Rex: It is the technology (and art!) of concealing messages from people. With stenography you can pass around SECRET MESSAGES, and nobody except for you and the target will even know the message is there! FOR EXAMPLE: digital photography! Pictures use bytes to represent colour data, right? So all you do is use the least significant bit of each byte as your payload, and tada! Instant hidden information in any old image! / Utahraptor: But that alters the image, dear friend! / T-Rex: TRUE. But only a little! / T-Rex: Colours change to just a slightly different shade of the same colour. The naked eye won't see anything, and it'll really only be detected if you've got the original image to compare with! / Utahraptor: It's too bad we don't have any secret messages to send. / T-Rex: Yes... TOO BAD INDEED. / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR ARE SUPERSPIES: / Sir: It says here that you and Agent U just surprise each other with stenographic images of swear words all day long. / T-Rex: Sir! I don't understand!! / T-Rex: It is extremely hilarious!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1023
darn it, i don't know WHY i keep attending this 'second-rate book fair'. no matter how you parse it, it's always second-rate! Narrator: THE MAN WHO ATE HIS HAT AND THEN PUNCHED YOU / T-Rex: A Story by T-Rex! / T-Rex: Once upon a time, there was a man who ate his hat! / T-Rex: He died from the experience, but came back as a ghost. He was a PRETTY cool ghost. If he saw you with a hat though, he would punch you right in your flippin' neck. He would sneak up behind you and whisper "There are some ghost who don't punch people in the neck." and then the last thing you would see before you were punched were the ghostly words written on his fists: "I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GHOST". / Utahraptor: Wow, that sounds like my kind of story! What happens next? / T-Rex: Only the BEST NARRATIVE OF OUR TIME! / T-Rex: BASICALLY, after September 11th, our guy decides that he's had enough of just punching dudes and joins the fire department. He becomes real and now he punches out fires. He punches kittens out of trees. He punches people who get trapped in cars when they drive off the road. / Utahraptor: Nice! / Narrator: THE END / Book Fair Patron: I don't get it - none of them are actually in the story they describe? Also, the dinosaur on the cover is crooked. / Book Fair Seller: UM, THAT'S WHY I'M SELLING IT
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1024
 

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