You're browsing the archives of Dinosaur Comics.
You can search these comics too.

show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]

we have a history: a web card Narrator: WE HAVE A HISTORY / Narrator: a web card / T-Rex: Dear recipient of this comic: / T-Rex: You and whoever went this card to you totally have a history together! / T-Rex: That's pretty intriguing, isn't it? What sort of history? Did you used to date? There's a lot I don't know about your history. / T-Rex: Maybe it's one sided! Maybe you don't even know who the sender is! Maybe he's this guy and HE thinks you have this history and YOU don't know him from Bob! / Utahraptor: Maybe we should be more sensitive here, T-Rex! / T-Rex: YES. Good idea! / Utahraptor: Besides, maybe the sender understands that you've both hurt each other in the past, but you're still friends, and he's glad for what happened, bad stuff and all. He knows you well and he's happy for that, and he cares for you in a way that's special and unique to you, history and all. / T-Rex: Aww! / T-Rex: Anyway! Enjoy your failed relationship(s)!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=905
alternate ending: god says 'T-REX SOMEONE HAS ALREADY OPENED A STORE CALLED THE RELATIONSHOP' and t-rex yells to utahraptor that God says the idea is already taken, but that they're going back in time to prevent the idea from being preemptively stolen, an T-Rex: I just had the greatest idea for a business ever! It will be a store selling self-help books and stuff for relationships. It will be called... / T-Rex: ...The Relationship! / T-Rex: Hah hah! Assuming people choose their shopping establishments by pun quality, I am truly set! / Dromiceiomimus: so, it's an adult book store? Adult novelties? / T-Rex: No! No, it's just like - it's got books. And it's got calendars with puppies in teacups, framed by captions about commitment. You know! Stuff the public wants! / Utahraptor: All this for a pun, huh T-Rex? / T-Rex: Not just for A pun! For a SERIES of puns. / T-Rex:For example, the franchise manual is titled "Let's Talk About Our Relationship". / Utahraptor: And the first sentence is "We hope this will be the start of a beautiful Relationship"? / T-Rex: Man! YES! You are on the ball with this pun! You're hired! / Narrator: NEXT TIME, ON DINOSAUR COMICS: / T-Rex: Dudes! / T-Rex: I am personally insolvent!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=906
alternate ending: god says 'T-REX SOMEONE HAS ALREADY OPENED A STORE CALLED THE RELATIONSHOP' and t-rex yells to utahraptor that God says the idea is already taken, but that they're going back in time to prevent the idea from being preemptively stolen, an T-Rex: I just had the greatest idea for a business ever! It will be a store selling self-help books and stuff for relationships. It will be called... / T-Rex: ...The Relationship! / T-Rex: Hah hah! Assuming people choose their shopping establishments by pun quality, I am truly set! / Dromiceiomimus: so, it's an adult book store? Adult novelties? / T-Rex: No! No, it's just like - it's got books. And it's got calendars with puppies in teacups, framed by captions about commitment. You know! Stuff the public wants! / Utahraptor: All this for a pun, huh T-Rex? / T-Rex: Not just for A pun! For a SERIES of puns. / T-Rex:For example, the franchise manual is titled "Let's Talk About Our Relationship". / Utahraptor: And the first sentence is "We hope this will be the start of a beautiful Relationship"? / T-Rex: Man! YES! You are on the ball with this pun! You're hired! / Narrator: NEXT TIME, ON DINOSAUR COMICS: / T-Rex: Dudes! / T-Rex: I am personally insolvent!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=906
Shock Ending Comics Narrator: SHOCK ENDING COMICS / Narrator: today's feature: shock endings in panel five! / T-Rex: Man! Imagine how great things would be if I had a BRITISH ACCENT?? / T-Rex: Forsooth, I recall those fair summers by the Hamptonshire. Cheerio! / T-Rex: Yes! I can see nothing wrong with this fantasy. / T-Rex: It is so accurate! / Utahraptor: It's accurate that British dudes recall summers, then say goodbye? / T-Rex: Yep! / T-Rex: And - WAIT A MINUTE, how did you know my fantasy?! I only thought it and didn't say it! You read my mind! / Utahraptor: T-Rex, of course I read your mind! We all read minds, here in the universe where everything is the same, EXCEPT FOR ONE CHILLING DIFFERENCE!! / Narrator: Later: / T-Rex: Aw gross! That dude across the street is thinking about poo. / Dude: What? / Dude: Am not!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=907
Shock Ending Comics Narrator: SHOCK ENDING COMICS / Narrator: today's feature: shock endings in panel five! / T-Rex: Man! Imagine how great things would be if I had a BRITISH ACCENT?? / T-Rex: Forsooth, I recall those fair summers by the Hamptonshire. Cheerio! / T-Rex: Yes! I can see nothing wrong with this fantasy. / T-Rex: It is so accurate! / Utahraptor: It's accurate that British dudes recall summers, then say goodbye? / T-Rex: Yep! / T-Rex: And - WAIT A MINUTE, how did you know my fantasy?! I only thought it and didn't say it! You read my mind! / Utahraptor: T-Rex, of course I read your mind! We all read minds, here in the universe where everything is the same, EXCEPT FOR ONE CHILLING DIFFERENCE!! / Narrator: Later: / T-Rex: Aw gross! That dude across the street is thinking about poo. / Dude: What? / Dude: Am not!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=907
implausible high school AND college year AND new class scenarios T-Rex: Someone going by the all-caps name "ZACH MORRIS" has tagged my house! My front door is now spraypainted with "Zach" 's stupid name for jerks. I don't even like Saved by the Bell that much! / T-Rex: Forget you, Zach Morris! / Dromiceiomimus: I thought you always liked street art, T-Rex! You're always all, "Hey guys, let's reclaim public spaces with art instead of ads!" / T-Rex: Yeah, but this isn't art! It's tagging. It's just some dude's made up name! Taggers are like dogs, marking their territory wherever they can, and "Zach Morris" is just a dog who likes implausible high school scenarios. Either that, I guess, or Mark-Paul Gosselaar is bored. And experimenting? / Utahraptor: I think you're ignoring the symbolism AND sociology behind tagging, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Explain! / Utahraptor: Okay, so you grow up in the city, and the skyline is dominated by billboards, ads for products and brand you don't have access to. And you realize that nobody cares you you are, but EVERYONE knows who Mickey Mouse is and what a Coke is. So you create a brand name for yourself! You make up a tag and put it everywhere. / Utahraptor: Tagging can really be seen as the next logical step in ads: self-advertising! It can be seen as the price we pay for a culture that has saturated itself with advertising: individual brands, internalized campaigns of self-promotion. / T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR YOU ARE ZACH MORRIS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=908
implausible high school AND college year AND new class scenarios T-Rex: Someone going by the all-caps name "ZACH MORRIS" has tagged my house! My front door is now spraypainted with "Zach" 's stupid name for jerks. I don't even like Saved by the Bell that much! / T-Rex: Forget you, Zach Morris! / Dromiceiomimus: I thought you always liked street art, T-Rex! You're always all, "Hey guys, let's reclaim public spaces with art instead of ads!" / T-Rex: Yeah, but this isn't art! It's tagging. It's just some dude's made up name! Taggers are like dogs, marking their territory wherever they can, and "Zach Morris" is just a dog who likes implausible high school scenarios. Either that, I guess, or Mark-Paul Gosselaar is bored. And experimenting? / Utahraptor: I think you're ignoring the symbolism AND sociology behind tagging, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Explain! / Utahraptor: Okay, so you grow up in the city, and the skyline is dominated by billboards, ads for products and brand you don't have access to. And you realize that nobody cares you you are, but EVERYONE knows who Mickey Mouse is and what a Coke is. So you create a brand name for yourself! You make up a tag and put it everywhere. / Utahraptor: Tagging can really be seen as the next logical step in ads: self-advertising! It can be seen as the price we pay for a culture that has saturated itself with advertising: individual brands, internalized campaigns of self-promotion. / T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR YOU ARE ZACH MORRIS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=908
resolve to call more angry men 'sweetcakes' T-Rex: A new year is coming up. That means it is time to take stock of my life and make resolutions for improvements in the year to come! / God: THERE IS NO CHOICE IN THIS MATTER / T-Rex: RESOLUTION ONE: / T-Rex: eat less chickens! / T-Rex: I mean, eat FEWER chickens. "Fewer" is when you can count them, and "less" is when it's more of a mass and less countable, right? Like, I'd eat less rice, but I'd eat fewer COUNTABLY-MANY grains of rice. / Dromiceiomimus: I think you should resolve to be less obsessed about grammar! / T-Rex: Oh, Dromiceiomimus. Denied!! / Utahraptor: So let's hear these other resolutions! / T-Rex: Of course! AFTER we talk about "less" and "fewer". / T-Rex: Isn't it neat that we have this distinction in English between fewer and elss, but the opposite, "more", covers both those cases? Our language is ASYMMETRICAL. If you want to encode countability in your "greater than" comparison word, then good luck! Hah! GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, MY FRIEND! / Utahraptor: Okay! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: I ALSO resolve to get more smooches from ladies.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=909
 
imagine living in a world where it was more common! i would rate this world: incredibly sad and incredibly surreal Narrator: DISEASE COMICS / Narrator: today's disease: / Narrator: Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva, or "FOP" / T-Rex: FOP is one of the rarest conditions known to medicine! / T-Rex: It's a genetic disorder that causes muscles and connective tissue to literally change to bone. As more and more tissue becomes bone, joints become fused and the inflicted person is eventually left ossified and completely unable to move! Attempts to remove the extra bone simply result in further bone growth. It is a very painful disease and there is no cure, BUT, the gene that causes it has recently been found, which gives us hope! / Utahraptor: Should we be talking about it like this? Isn't that a little - crass? / T-Rex: Not really! / T-Rex: We're spreading AWARENESS of the condition, which is a good thing! / Utahraptor: Yeah, but it's such a sensational disease! Maybe we should - I don't know, try to be less sensational about it. We shouldn't be making jokes. / T-Rex: Who's making jokes? I'm not making jokes. / Narrator: THE PRECEDING COMIC SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN READ BY PEOPLE WHO ARE TERRIFIED OF GETTING EXTREMELY RARE GENETIC DISEASES
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=910
please to pronounce it 'speci-al-ity' while reading the comic. and otherwise! Narrator: DISEASE COMICS / Narrator: today's disease: / Narrator: SMOOCHITIS / T-Rex: Smoochitis is when you have a MEDICAL case of the smooches! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, do you have smoochitis? / Dromiceiomimus: I don't know, T-Rex! I might! / T-Rex: We should smooch to make extra sure! / Narrator: LATER: / Utahraptor: Man, I can't believe that worked! / T-Rex: She had smoochitis!! / T-Rex: The only cure: FURTHER SMOOCHING. Symptoms include smooches and caressing about the neck. And buttocks? / Utahraptor: I know how smoochitis develops, yeah. / T-Rex: It's my SPECIALTY, baby! / Narrator: WARNING: THE PRECEDING EROTICA WAS EXTREMELY SEXUALLY CHARGED
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=911
t-rex wants a mortgage and a nice pair of pants. T-Rex: I am getting old! WHICH IS FINE, except I'm starting to worry that all I do is young guy stuff and not mature adult stuff, like having a mortgage, or owning more than one pair of nice pants. / Narrator: T-REX COMICS / T-Rex: I'm a little surprised by my own feelings! I've always been a guy to be fully behind doing what you want and SCREW SOCIETY, but I there's a part of me whispering "come on get a real job and a mortgage and live a real life it'll be raaaad". Maybe it's societal conditioning, but it's there! I guess I either need to change my life OR my opinions, or accept that little bit of discomfort for as long as I live. / Utahraptor: Discomfort? / T-Rex: Yes! With my LIFE. / Utahraptor: Hah! You're finally not sure your days of INSATIABLY COMPELLING HEDONISM are all you want? / T-Rex: Maybe! I guess I look at people with real responsibility and wonder if maybe it'd be nice, and if I'm being - left behind? I don't know? I never wanted to be Canonically Adult before! / Narrator: WHATEVER, T-REX! HERE'S ANOTHER TIME YOU WANTED TO BE CANONICALLY ADULT: / Narrator: YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING BUT WE COULD ALL TELL YOU WERE THINKING IT.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=912
mister alex ross if you want to please draw this i will script it T-Rex: So, Dromiceiomimus: Do you know how to draw superheroes? I've got such a great idea for a comic. / Narrator: (IN THIS PANEL, DROMICEIOMIMUS SAYS YES) / T-Rex: Sweet! Okay, so the idea is, there's this guy, Lee, right? One day he gains SUPER POWERS. And I'm not sure how he gets them yet but BASICALLY he's got this slot in the top of his head, and he can write words on cards and put them in the slot, so he gains those qualities! So say a decision has to be made: he writes "decisive" on a card and forces it into his head, and he becomes DECISIVE LEE! He then has the power to do things decisively, SUPER decisively! / Utahraptor: So he's got any power that can be described by an English adverb ending in "ly"? / T-Rex: PRECISELY! / T-Rex: But not just Precise Lee, he can be Compelling Lee, Obliging Lee - even Furious Lee! But the catch is, the cards stick out, so enemies know what they're dealing with. "Oh cool, we're dealing with Conclusive Lee", they'll say. "We can ask him some questions." / Utahraptor: I see / Narrator: FIFTY YEARS LATER / T-Rex: Have I TRULY won every single award in comics?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=913
the best deleted dialogue for this comic was 'you make my atheism difficult, god'. the worst was 'colonel bluegrass, i want my pliers back' T-Rex: I'm a dude who's really not that religious! I'm not a big believer in DEITIES. / God: WHAT / T-Rex: But I don't like it when someone says they've lost their faith because of me! / T-Rex: Because faith is something I don't really have, it's sort of like a sandcastle, right? And I don't want to be the guy that goes around kicking other people's sandcastles. Even if they thank me afterwards! Faith is something rare, at least for me, and I'd hate to take it away from someone else. / Utahraptor: That's pretty patronizing, isn't it? / T-Rex: Not really! / Utahraptor: Sure! You're saying "I won't tell you about MY amazing beliefs because they would completely obliterate yours! Also: your religion is made of sand." / T-Rex: Thant's not what I'm saying! WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT this frank talk about religion would result in heated debate? / Narrator: JUST THEN, ALL RELIGIOUS DEBATES EVER ARE SETTLED FOREVER! NICE! / T-Rex: Well! I guess that gives us more time to talk about - I don't know. Dogs? I guess we could talk about dogs. / Out-of-Frame Voice, Likely Utahraptor: I like dogs!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=914
 
if there's ever a zombie epidemic, i pledge to be the first - the first! - to blame the sucky zombies. T-Rex: Today is the day. Yes! / T-Rex: Today is the day I lose my fear of ZOMBIES. / Narrator: T-REX AND THE LIVING DEAD / T-Rex: The way I see it, zombies are either avoidable or too effective. The only way to become a zombie is to be bitten by one, but not to get eaten, yes? Then the bite kills you and you come back as a zombie. But zombies WANT to eat you! It's only the sucky ones that bite you and don't finish the job. So if the first zombie was REALLY GOOD, the infection wouldn't spread, because he'd cold eat all his victims! And if he was sucky you could just avoid him, on account of his suckiness. / T-Rex: PROBLEM: SOLVED. / Utahraptor: You're coming from a medical perspective, right? / Utahraptor: The idea is that there's not too many diseases that can spread easily AND kill you overnight, because they're too effective: the infection wouldn't spread, and the disease dies. / T-Rex: Yes! Zombies are too effective to be contagious. That's why they can't exist in real life! / Narrator: LATER: FAST-MOVING PULMONARY ANTHRAX ZOMBIES / T-Rex: I take it back I take it back!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=915
another comic in which t-rex's tail gets a line T-Rex: I have discovered the ultimate secret to comedy! The more obscure a joke is, the less people there are who'll get it, but the MORE they'll find it correspondingly HILARIOUS! I suspect this law progresses geometrically. / T-Rex: For example! / T-Rex: Let's say I have a joke about how cats like to sleep. NOT FUNNY, right Dromiceiomimus? Everyone who's met a sleepy ol' cat can get that. But if I have a joke about how, say, an obscure programming language is pretty wacky, then people who know that language will feel like I'm talking to them! They laugh both at the joke AND in recognition. Comedy increases, and the only reasonable conclusion is "laughs ahoy!" / T-Rex: So logically, ALL I HAVE TO DO is find a really rich guy and tell him a joke only HE'D find funny, and I'm set for life! / Utahraptor: Huh? / T-Rex: Dude, rich people LOVE to give people money when they make them laugh! And I'm going to track down Patrick Stewart and make him laugh SO HARD. You don't even know. / Utahraptor: Patrick Stewart? Is he really that loaded that he gives money away for funny jokes? / T-Rex: Um, HE COMMANDED THE ENTERPRISE? / [[The cover of the latest 'The Patrick Stewart Press'.]] / The Patrick Stewart Press: The Patrick Stewart press / january 2007 - 25 cents - *all my views and news!* / [[Featuring a picture of T-Rex]] / this guy's hilarious! / who is this guy? / plus: i review the new MACBOOKS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=916
god and t-rex both actually really love science. that is why they want the kilogram! they're going to take pictures of it front of famous landmarks and send them to le bureau international des poids et mesures God: T-REX DID YOU KNOW THAT THE KILOGRAM IS ONE OF THE FEW UNITS OF MEASUREMENT STILL DEFINED BY A PHYSICAL OBJECT / T-Rex: Dude! WE HAVE TO STEAL IT! / God: OH MAN WE SO HAVE TO / T-Rex: God! We're going to steal the kilogram! / T-Rex: Now we're gonna have to use out cleverness because it's PROBABLY well-protected, seeing how it's the only real kilogram in the entire universe. / God: HOW ARE YOU AT DODGING LAZER BEAMS / T-Rex: I have the brash enthusiasm of an amateur and the body of a tyrannosauroid! / God: SWEET / Utahraptor: Hey, who are you talking to? / T-Rex: No-one! About - about nothing! / Utahraptor: Really? Because it sounded like you were planning to STEAL THE PROTOTYPE KILOGRAM FROM ITS HOME NEAR PARIS, FRANCE. / T-Rex: Ha ha! Nope! I'd have to be GOD HIMSELF to pull of THAT impressive caper!! / God: T-REX I JUST STOLE THE KILOGRAM IT IS MY GREATEST HEIST / T-Rex: Hee hee! That's it for SCIENCE, bitches! / God: I REPLACED IT WITH SOME STICKS OF DISCOUNT PEPPERONI
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=917
my one regret as a computer scientist is that we never have a reasonable excuse to wear lab coats. what gives, society? T-Rex: So light behaves like both a particle and a wave, right? And I can hit dudes with particles. Is there nothing stopping me from making a light cannon, which, when fired, throws dudes up against the wall? / T-Rex: Weaponized photons! / Dromiceiomimus: But T-Rex - photons don't have any mass, do they? If they had mass, wouldn't that mean that walking outside on a sunny day would mean being hit with trillions of tiny bullets, reducing everything to a red, pulpy, well-lit paste? / T-Rex: But then how do solar sails work? And photon engines? Don't they work by photons pushing against things? HAS SCIENCE FICTION BEEN LYING THROUGH ITS SCIENCE TEETH? / Utahraptor: Maybe even without mass, photons can still exert pressure! / T-Rex: Perhaps!! / T-Rex: And if solar sails work, THEN SO TOO WILL MY LIGHT CANNON! I'll just need tons of light / Utahraptor: I think you'd need more than the entire output of the sun! / T-Rex: THAT, my friend, would be a pretty sweet cannon slash flash-light. Quick! To Professor Science's house! / Soon: / Utahraptor: I don't think he's home. / T-Rex: Sure he is. PROFESSOR SCIENCE! IT'S T-REX, UTAHRAPTOR, AND DROMICEIOMIMUS! We brought LABCOATS!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=918
everyone throwing their hands up in the air at work - don't worry! i won't get you fired. YOU CAN'T GET FIRED FOR BEING AWESOME! T-Rex: Have I TRULY never thrown my hands up in the air, and waved them all around like I just don't care? / {{T-Rex heaves his arms into the area immediately above their current locale, proceeds to move them in an arc, back and forth, as if he has other things on his mind.}} / T-Rex: I don't see what the big deal about it is! I BARELY feel funkier. / Dromiceiomimus: I feel a little funkier. / T-Rex: I guess I feel a little funkier. A LITTLE. / Utahraptor: Man, you weren't even doing it right!! / T-Rex: Oh yeah? Says you, Utahraptor! / Utahraptor: Says me, T-Rex! Okay, listen, THIS is how you throw your hands up in the air. And watch closely, because I'm only going to wave them all around like I just don't care ONCE. / T-Rex: I'm watching! / Utahraptor: Okay. Here we go! / [[MILLIONS OF YEARS LATER:]] / Scientist: This reconstruction is ridiculous.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=919
 
if you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, then by three o'clock i shall begin to be happy T-Rex: I want to write something that'll make people see the world through fresh eyes! Something they'll want to pass on to their children! / God: YOU WANT TO WRITE THE LITTLE PRINCE / T-Rex: BASICALLY. / T-Rex: Except that's been done! I want something NEW that will touch the heart of everyone, WITHOUT EXCEPTION. / Dromiceiomimus: This is the desire authors have, isn't it? To say something new that is nevertheless eternal? To really touch people, to change their lives for the better using only their ideas? / T-Rex: I guess! I bet some authors just want to tell jokes about dinosaurs though. / T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: That wouldn't be so bad / Utahraptor: So -- get to work! Get to writing! / T-Rex: I can't! I need INSPIRATION. / Utahraptor: Okay, here: take something that's common to everyone, and present it in an empathic, sympathetic light. How about -- letting down someone you love! We've all done it and I don't think anyone enjoys it. There's pathos there. / T-Rex: Brilliant! You've really helped me out, Utahraptor! / Narrator: SOON: / T-Rex: I call my tale, "The Alluring Person with Hidden Greatness (Just Like You!) Who Accidentally Let Down Someone he Loves but then Made Amends and They Kissed: An Action-Packed Tale of the Star Wars Universe, But Afterwards They Visit The Enterprise and Bender Is There"
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=920
see what i did there T-Rex: It's neat how most of our key verbs are just one syllable long! I think that verbs we use a lot change to short words with time, since if they did NOT, it would take a real long time to say all the run-of-the-mill thoughts we have! / T-Rex: We'd get bored each time we'd try to talk! / T-Rex: Sex! Love! Hate! BONE. All are rad AND short verbs! I bet you could use just short WORDS and find it to be not that hard of a trick! / Dromiceiomimus: You might end up with an odd phrase or two, though, since you'd have to steer clear of all 'ing' verbs. / T-Rex: Well, that verb form is for chumps! I said it! That verb form is for true chumps. / Utahraptor: Do you have some sort of proof for this "short means key" view? / T-Rex: In fact I do! / T-Rex: There's a set store of short words, right? A hoard, if you will. If we used all the short word forms for weird and rare verbs, like, I don't know, "to eat a lot of pork", then it would take a long time to share a thought that did not come down to "Dudes! I want to eat pigs!" / Utahraptor: Come on! That's not a proof! / T-Rex: I have one word for you, my friend! / Utahraptor: Yes? / T-Rex: Daaaaaaaaaamn
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=921
deleted dialogue had utahraptor saying ''There's a 'politicians sure do say one thing and mean another' joke in here somewhere.'' and T-Rex replying ''Not a funny one.'' T-Rex: Why can't I say two things at the same time? I've tried just now and all I got out of it was a passport stamped for FAILURE TOWNE. / Narrator: FAILURE TOWNE IS ITS OWN INDEPENDENT NATION HUH / T-Rex: Apparently, dude! / T-Rex: But saying a word is just generating a sound wave, right? I could record myself twice saying different things, and then superimpose their waves to get a new one! Then all I'd need to do is train myself to produce THAT wave and it would sound like I'm saying two things at once! I could even do it by rote. Then when people ask me to do things I could say "yes" and "no" at the same time, and then they'd probably dislike me a little. / Utahraptor: I think we've got physical limitations to prevent this! / T-Rex: Balderdash! / T-Rex: You're just saying that because you've never seen it done, dear friend! But I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna figure out how to shape my tongue and mouth and vocal cords to generate the appropriate waveform, and then I'm gonna TRAVEL THE WORLD, saying two things at once. / Utahraptor: Okay! / Narrator: THE LITTLE VOICE IN T-REX'S HEAD: / T-Rex: Hey, T-Rex! / T-Rex: T-Rex! / T-Rex: You would actually prefer to stay at home and renew old friendships
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=922
Comics with Sudden Changes in Gender Narrator: COMICS WITH SUDDEN CHANGES IN GENDER / T-Rex: What a nice day to go out and do manly things. / T-Rex: Maybe I'll flip some cars with my male genitals! / Narrator: SUDDENLY! / T-Rex: I'm a chick! Hah hah hah! / T-Rex: Luckily, I can still do the the things I want, because gender can inform, but does not dictate, personality and self. / Dromeciomimus: That is true! / Utahraptor: So now you're a woman? / T-Rex: Genderly speaking! / Narrator: SUDDENLY! / T-Rex: Wait, now I'm a man again! Hah hah hah! / Utahraptor: Does everyone laugh like an evil, mustacho-twirling genius when they change gender? / T-Rex: Yep, watch this. / T-Rex: Excuse me, person across the street? You're a woman now! / Person: Hah hah hah! FOOLS!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=923
Comics with Sudden Changes in Gender Narrator: COMICS WITH SUDDEN CHANGES IN GENDER / T-Rex: What a nice day to go out and do manly things. / T-Rex: Maybe I'll flip some cars with my male genitals! / Narrator: SUDDENLY! / T-Rex: I'm a chick! Hah hah hah! / T-Rex: Luckily, I can still do the the things I want, because gender can inform, but does not dictate, personality and self. / Dromeciomimus: That is true! / Utahraptor: So now you're a woman? / T-Rex: Genderly speaking! / Narrator: SUDDENLY! / T-Rex: Wait, now I'm a man again! Hah hah hah! / Utahraptor: Does everyone laugh like an evil, mustacho-twirling genius when they change gender? / T-Rex: Yep, watch this. / T-Rex: Excuse me, person across the street? You're a woman now! / Person: Hah hah hah! FOOLS!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=923
"a rose by any other name would smell extra cool" -WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE?? The Devil: T-REX I'LL WAGER YOU EVERYTHING COULD BE MADE BETTER WITH A DIFFERENT NAME / The Devil: FOR EXAMPLE MMORPGS COULD BE REFERRED TO AS FIRM AND SEXY SAUCE / The Devil: ON ACCOUNT OF HOW THEY ARE ALREADY THAT / T-Rex: I got it, yeah! / T-Rex: But come on, how are MMORPGS "firm and sexy sauce"? They're clearly less "firm and sexy" and more "online role playing games that charge by the month and never end". / The Devil: MMM / The Devil: WHAT COULD BE SEXIER THAN THAT / T-Rex: Alright!! I'm done with this conversation! / Utahraptor: Done with which conversation, T-Rex? / T-Rex: Done with talking to the Devil! SO DONE. / T-Rex: We were talking about naming things, which was fine, actually, but then he used THAT to segue into what turns him on. I don't want to know that! That's gross and unwarranted. / Utahraptor: You know what turns me on? / T-Rex: NO! AND I DON'T WANT TO. / Utahraptor: watermelons / Narrator: HAPPY "TELL YOUR BEST FRIEND WHAT TURNS YOU ON" DAY / Narrator: the holiday for people with Not Enough Problems
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=924
 
last night, APPARENTLY BY ACCIDENT, a big ol' pot of boiling water was poured on my right hand! luckily i can write comics one-handed. LUCKY INDEED T-Rex: I have perfected and bottled INSPIRATION! Take a swig! You'll feel INSPIRED. / Narrator: BOTTLED INSPIRATION COMICS / Dromiceiomimus: So - it's a perfume called "Inspiration" and you drink it, for some reason? / T-Rex: No. No, it's nothing like that. It's actual bottled inspiration! I came up with it when I chemically and accidentally created just a little inspiration, and when I drank that, I was inspired to create more! There's a whole pool full of it back at my house. You can drown in it. / Utahraptor: So what's in it, T-Rex? / T-Rex: SECRETS! And chemicals. A mix of both, I guess. / Utahraptor: I'm just a LITTLE hesitant to drink something you mixed up at home, especially when you don't know anything about chemistry. / T-Rex: Whatever, dude! I know enough to come up with ingestible inspiration! It tastes like SUCCESS. / God: T-REX I CHECKED OUT YOUR POOL AND IT'S JUST REGULAR WATER WITH GOLF BALLS FLOATING IN IT / T-Rex: That's inspiring! I'm inspired! / God: YOU DRANK GOLF BALLS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=925
we don't eat people, we are people. additionally, we eat people. T-Rex: Critical mass rides are when a hundred or more cyclists get together and go on a bike ride! They take over a lane of traffic and get to set their pace. The motto and politics are "we don't block traffic, we are traffic!" / T-Rex: It's good times, if you're not in a car! / T-Rex: I find it encouraging when I see a bunch of bikes taking over a road and just going on their way. The noise of traffic is replaced by the softer sound of spokes and gears. It's pretty neat! / Dromiceiomimus: But what about important vehicles, like ambulances and so on? / T-Rex: Oh, they still pull over to let those through. They just don't let cars merge in with the bikes because it's DANGEROUS. / Utahraptor: But T-Rex, is it not ENTIRELY TRUE that these rides are illegal? / T-Rex: Depends on who you ask, dude! / T-Rex: And where you live, I suppose. I don't know! I know I like to ride bikes, and I believe they're as entitled to the road as cars. The end! / Utahraptor: Alright then! / Utahraptor: Well! / Utahraptor: You wanna get sandwiches? / Narrator: LATER: A CRITICAL MASS FOR CANNIBALS: / T-Rex: Wow. Look at all those cannibals on bikes! / Cannibals: WE DON'T BLOCK TRAFFIC WE ARE TRAFFIC T-REX / T-Rex: That is technically true, cannibals!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=926
t-rex naturally assumes that in hell the currency is hellbux(tm), complete with the 'x' and full trademark status. actually, that's a lie! i made that assumption just now and simply passed it off on t-rex! The Devil: T-REX HAVE YOU ACQUIRED ANY NEW VIDEO GAME CONSOLES OF LATE / T-Rex: Nope! / The Devil: THAT IS A COLOSSALLY STAGGERING DISAPPOINTMENT / T-Rex: Man, you're the Devil — buy your own video games! You must have "Hellbux™" or something! / The Devil: YES BUT DUE TO CONTINUED FISCAL MISMANAGEMENT I HAVE FEW REMAINING HELLBUX AND CAN ONLY AFFORD TO EMULATE CLASSIC GAMES ON MY CLASSIC COMPUTER / The Devil: I HAVE AN ABUNDANCE OF SNES ROMS / The Devil: ALSO / The Devil: FREE TIME / T-Rex: Okay! Good to know! / The Devil: SO CAN YOU BUY A CONSOLE AND THEN I CAN COME OVER / T-Rex: Aw, come on. No! / Utahraptor: No what? / The Devil: I CAN ASSURE YOU OF GOOD TIMES AND FURTHER OF MY PROCURING OF BRAND-NAME POTATO CHIPS / T-Rex: One sec, Utahraptor. FINE. If I ever get a new video game console you can come over and play video games on it. ONCE. / Utahraptor: Sweet! / The Devil: SWEET / Narrator: LATER: / The Devil: T-REX THIS INTELLIVISION IS OLDER THAN MY GRANDMOTHER / T-Rex: You have a grandmother?! How does that fit into Judeo-Christian normative beliefs? / The Devil: IT IS GOING TO BE A SURPRISE
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=927
they're still super-friends, just, you know - super-friends who never talk about work T-Rex: I have the best idea! SELLING HUGS. It is a recipe for Instant Profits! The lonely will pay me three dollars for the Squeezy Special! / T-Rex: All I need is a female business partner, Dromiceiomimus! / T-Rex: THAT'S on account of how some people want a woman-hug, and that is one hug I can't provide on my own. / Dromiceiomimus: Well, thanks T-Rex, but I already have a job! Also I don't wanna hug people for money. / T-Rex: You have a job?? What do you do? / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex. I'm a nautical engineer. / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus is a nautical engineer?! / Utahraptor: She does all my all my nautical engineering, dude! / Utahraptor: What's the matter? Are you shocked a SHOCKED that a woman could be an engineer? / T-Rex: No, of course not! I'm just shocked that she could become an engineer and I knew nothing about it! I guess I don't know her as well as I though. I must be a crappy friend? / Narrator:THIS COMIC IS DEDICATED TO MY FRIEND SARAH / Narrator: TURNS OUT SHE'S A NAUTICAL ENGINEER?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=928
t-rex is down with the sickness T-Rex: Would the dude who is TRULY sick please raise the roof? / T-Rex: OH WAIT. It's me!! / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, I don't mean to be inconsiderate, but shouldn't you be in bed? You're the only person I know who goes out of his way to ANNOUNCE his sickness to the world. / T-Rex: What? I do not. Today is an aberration! / Dromiceiomimus: Do you want me to tell you every time you've been sick over the past year? Because I'll do it! / T-Rex: A bluff! / Dromiceiomimus: "Oh yeah? You had a cold in November." / T-Rex: I've got a cold! / Utahraptor: It's November! / Dromiceiomimus: "And in April, your 'Kissing Fever' lasted five days before it finally broke." / T-Rex: The only cure for Kissing Fever is... a little tongue? / Utahraptor: Yeah, you keep making that joke. / T-Rex: It's symptomatic of the Fever. / T-Rex: Other symptoms include the skin of my back flaking off in great big sheets. / T-Rex: DISGUSTED? It could happen to you! Remember my warning well, Utahraptor! You too, Dromiceiomimus! YOU TOO, Danni, The Intriguingly Sexy Woman Who Is Only Seen In Flashbacks! / Danni: 'Sup
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=929
 
nanite comics Narrator: NANITE COMICS / T-Rex: Nanites are tiny robots! They're SO TINY that they can robotically mess with things at the molecular level. / T-Rex: Pretty darned sweet, my friends! / T-Rex: The dream is that you could pour a vial of nanites on your bed and they'd transform it at the "nano" level into a better bed, or a big ol' pile of tasty burgers! You could eliminate hunger, dispose of waste, and so on. The only downside is that the nanites could malfunction, reproduce without check, and reduce all life to a featureless grey goo. / Dromiceiomimus: Or to burgers. / T-Rex: OR to burgers. / Utahraptor: I thought there were issues with the "grey goo" scenario being impossible? / T-Rex: Maybe? / T-Rex: I AM probably confusing science fiction nanites with real nanites. But one thing we can all agree on is that nanites are pretty neat. / Utahraptor: Can we also all agree that if there was a superhero who could shrink really small, he should be called "The Manite"? / T-Rex: YES WE CAN. / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE FUTURE: / T-Rex: It's Nanite versus Manite! Two titans battling for dominance of my affections! / Nanite: i'm a tiny robot / Manite: i'm a tiny dude / T-Rex: GUYS, I KNOW.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=930
in 1979 a chinese climber named wang hongbao claimed to have seen a body of an english climber, but was killed by an avalanche a day later before a translator could be found and he could communicate precisely where. HOW IS THAT NOT AMAZING T-Rex: George Mallory and Andrew Irvine were the two British dudes who first tried to climb Mount Everest! / Narrator: THE STORY OF GEORGE MALLORY AND ANDREW IRVINE (INCREDIBLE TRUE PART) / T-Rex: Their last sighting was just a few hundred metres from the summit. They never made it back! A STANDARD MOUNTAINEERING TALE, except that if they had made it to the top, they'd have been the first, AND they were carrying cameras. If we could find the frozen cameras we could still retrieve images from them today, and then we'd know if they actually did make it to the top, since who climbs Mount Everest and doesn't take a picture? NOBODY, that's who. / Utahraptor: Didn't other climbers find the bodies? / T-Rex: Only one! / T-Rex: Mallory's body was found 75 years later, but no cameras were on him. Irvine's body is still up there somewhere, maybe with the cameras! / Utahraptor: Wow. There's something so spooky and sad about their bodies being frozen like that. It's like a treasure hunt with a perfectly preserved corpse at the end. / Narrator: WILD SPECULATION PART: / Speculation Text: Could all "mountaineering accidents" be the handiwork of a lone, crazed murderer, loose about the peak? IT COULD BE TRUE!! If so, no-one has survived their encounter with the pushy "Everest Eliminator" and lived to tell the tale. / T-Rex: That's ridiculous! / Speculation Text: No. That's MURDER.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=931
boing boing please to start posting about the everest eliminator now Narrator: T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR ARE GOING TO CLIMB MOUNT EVEREST: / T-Rex: Sure are! How hard could it be? It's just like climbing stairs, only longer! / T-Rex: And if I stay too long at the top of the stairs, I'll die! / Dromiceiomimus: Are you guys serious about this? I know that Everest has become touristy lately, but I didn't know they let just anyone climb it! / T-Rex: They sure do. We're going STRAIGHT TO THE TOP, baby! We'll see if the deadly Everest Eliminator exists or not. SOME claim he's a wacky murderer who pushes people off the peak when they're least expecting it! Others say that's stupid. / Utahraptor: That's not why we're going! / T-Rex: We're going Because It's There. And also Because We Won Free Tickets From The Radio. Also because hired sherpas will do most of the work. / T-Rex: Well, I'M going because it's there AND to prove that there's no murderer called the Everest Eliminator at the top. / Utahraptor: FINE. / Narrator: LATER, BACK AT SEA LEVEL: / Utahraptor: The Everest Eliminator is actually a pretty nice guy, huh? / T-Rex: He only tried to pus me a li'l!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=932
the roman numerals make bible ii look pretty tuff! i mean tough! God: SO YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY CLIMBED MOUNT EVEREST THE TALLEST MOUNTAIN IN THE WORLD HUH / T-Rex: Yep! / God: HOW WAS IT / T-Rex: . . . Tall? / God: T-REX THAT IS THE WORST ANSWER THAT HAS EVER BEEN GIVEN TO THAT QUESTION / God: I SAY THIS AS GOD AND TRULY WITHOUT HYPERBOLE / T-Rex: Whatever, man! It WAS tall. It was also cold! It was cold, and tall. / God: I'M WRITING THIS DOWN SO I CAN PUT OUT A NEW BIBLE CALLED "BIBLE 2: GUESS WHAT? T-REX BLOWS AT DESCRIBING MOUNTAINS / T-Rex: Aw, MAN / Utahraptor: What's up? / T-Rex: God's gonna put out a new Bible in which he makes fun of my powers of TAUTOLOGICAL DESCRIPTION / Utahraptor: Sometimes, my friend, you have problems that I really don't know how to help you with. / T-Rex: It's okay! You tried! / God: T-REX I MIGHT INSTEAD CALL IT "BIBLE ll: GUESS WHAT? GOD RULES THE SCHOOLS AT EATIN' SLOPPY JOES" / T-Rex: Do- do you actually rule the schools at eating Sloppy Joes though? / God: LET ME TELL YOU T-REX / God: IT'S THE NEW GOOD NEWS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=933
the probable suckiness of the bible iii stands in marked contrast to the space quest series, in which the third entry was a solid, well-crafted game. BUT RYAN they said HOW WILL YOU SEGUE FROM THE BIBLE TO SPACE QUEST they said God: T-REX BIBLE II IS OUT NOW / T-Rex: I'm not buying one! / God: IT IS CHOCK FULL OF TWIST ENDINGS / God: PLURAL / God: TWIST ENDINGS / T-Rex: Dude! I'm not buying a book where you insult me! / God: I DON'T INSULT YOU I JUST JOSH YOU A LITTLE COME ON I EVEN DEDICATED THE BOOK TO YOU / T-Rex: You - you dedicated BIBLE II to me? I'm not sure how I feel about that. / God: WELL OKAY HONESTLY IT'S ACTUALLY DEDICATED TO MY TRANSCRIBERS / God: THEY DO GOOD WORK / God: WELL / God: OKAY WORK / God: ACTUALLY THEY ALL KIND OF SUCK / T-Rex: FINE, give me a copy! / Utahraptor: A copy of what? / Narrator: A BIT LATER / T-Rex: And I'm not evern sure how he got it published! One passage reads "rhumba thumba, farts and shoes: I want y'all to be nice to yous." Because of how dumb it is, I can never forget that sentence. / Utahraptor: I, too, will take it to my grave. / God: T-REX I SHOULD HAVE STOPPED AT BIBLE II BUT INSTEAD I'M WORKING ON BIBLE III WHICH IS A PREQUEL TAKING PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE BEFORE THIS ONE / T-Rex: what happened to it? / God: IT WAS FULL OF WIENERS DUDE
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=934
 

Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60
61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 >>