You're browsing the archives of Dinosaur Comics.
You can search these comics too.

show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]

AMAZING TRUE FACT: i wrote this comic in the emergency room of the toronto western hospital? T-Rex: I love punch! I love drinking delicious punch, PROBABLY because of how it's so delicious! / T-Rex: Hooray for punch! / Dromiceiomimus: Are you mentioning punch because the party tonight is so liable to feature punch, T-Rex? / T-Rex: QUITE LIKELY! I don't know why I'm suddenly so into what is essentially juice mixed with maybe pop or alcohol, served in a fancy bowl with spoons, but I'm running with it. / Dromiceiomimus: Well I guess I'll see you there tonight, punch in hand! / T-Rex: Oh God yes. / Narrator: AT THE PARTY: / T-Rex: Man, this party even has a stomping room! I'm totally going to get some punch soon. / Utahraptor: Okay, T-Rex! / Utahraptor: All you're doing is talking about punch! Why not just go get some? / T-Rex: Dude, I'm gonna! I'm gonna go and get in line for some punch RIGHT NOW! / Utahraptor: Okay then! / Narrator: SOON! / T-Rex: Is this the punch line? / Person: This is the line for the bathroom! / T-Rex: So - you're saying there IS no punch line?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=815
guys it's alright because i'm irish evil myself T-Rex: ONE TIME, I snuck onto a friend's computer while at his house and altered an essay he was writing for school about EVIL. All I did for instant hilarity was relace every instance of the word "evil" with the phrase "Irish evil"! / T-Rex: Can good exist without Irish evil? SOME PHILOSOPHERS SUSPECT IT CANNOT! / Dromiceiomimus: But - there's no particular flavour of Irish evil, T-Rex! It's absurd! / T-Rex: I know! That's part of the joke: how the author seems so obsessed with examining EVERY ASPECT of his ridiculous concept of Irish evil! / Utahraptor: I would like some more examples from this prank! / T-Rex: And I am only too happy to provide them! / T-Rex: To see for yourself, all you have to do is go to the Wikipedia article on evil and do the replaces there. Hah hah! My comedy ONCE AGAIN trumps the desires of those who would seek useful information about evil! / Utahraptor: T-Rex! People often use Wikipedia as an important "first source". You'll confuse them so hard! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: It's very nice to meet you, Jimbo Wales, founder and president of Wikipedia! / Jimbo Wales: You as well, T-Rex! Your articles on Irish evil are my favourite of all articles added to Wikipedia ever. / T-Rex: Wow, Jimbo Wales!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=816
i am saving so many things for the judge T-Rex: Are you a person who uses phrases at incorrect times? / T-Rex: I hope that will not be the case today, with... / Narrator: PHRASES FOR THE EASILY CONFUSED / Narrator: WHEN TO USE "SAVE IT FOR THE JUDGE": / T-Rex: After what happened to me last week, I will now wash my hands frequently. I mean, I mean, MORE frequently. / Dromiceiomimus: Ya-huh! Save it for the judge! / Narrator: THERE. THERE WAS A GOOD TIME TO USE IT. / Narrator: WHEN TO USE "HOLY SMACKERELS": / Utahraptor: Holy smackerels, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Okay! / Narrator: WHEN TO USE "COWABUNGA": ONLY IF YOU ARE A NINJA TURTLE. / T-Rex: So Kant's Categorical Imperative is more of a meta-directive, right? / Utahraptor: In the first formulation, yeah. / Narrator: T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR ARE DINOSAUR'S SO THAT'S THE ONLY REASON WHY THEY'RE NOT USING IT. / Narrator: WHEN TO USE "I LOVE YOU": ONLY WHEN YOU WANT TO TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM / T-Rex: I love you! / Narrator: T-REX ACTUALLY JUST WANTED TO SAY HERE THAT HE WAS THIRSTY, SO HE HAS USED THE PHRASE IMPROPERLY. THIS CAN LEAD TO COMPLICATIONS!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=817
SPECIAL COMIC PREMISE IN SQL FEATURE: select * from days order by importance desc limit 1 T-Rex: I wonder what the most important day of my life is? Yesterday? Tomorrow? Maybe even... / T-Rex: TODAY??? / T-Rex: It could be that I wouldn't even recognize the importance of the day until years down the line - like, if today is the day I come across an abandoned violin and ten later I discover that I'm actually seriously excellent at playing sonatas, and then I become famous for playing sonatas. That would have a huge effect on my life, and TODAY COULD BE THAT DAY. / Utahraptor: What if today really IS your most important day, and nothing memorable happens? / T-Rex: Aw man! / T-Rex: If that is the case, then I would be sorely disappointed. I'm serious! I would be so disappointed that I would start to get physically sore. / Utahraptor: The next morning you'd get up and say, "Ouch! I must have been disappointed a little TOO MUCH yesterday! I'll have to go easy on the disappointment for a while!" / Narrator: ANYWAY! T-REX'S MOST IMPORTANT DAY HAS ALREADY COME AND GONE! IT LOOKED LIKE THIS: / T-Rex: Hello, my name is T-Rex! I'm pleased to meet you. / Dromiceiomimus: Hello! I'm Dromiceiomimus. / T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: Yaaaaaay!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=818
okay you can all stop asking for a special 'hey, whatever happened to ben' section, because here it is! T-Rex: Hey God, would the world be an even awesomer place if everyone named "Benjamin" instead went by the name "Ben Jammin'"? / God: DEFINITELY YES. / T-Rex: See THAT'S what I keep telling everyone! / T-Rex: I'm so glad I was right on this one. / Dromiceiomimus: Do you know any Benjamins, T-Rex? / T-Rex: Nope! I knew one when I was a kid, but he moved away way before I ever found out about jammin'. That was in - what, grade 5? / Narrator: THE END / NARRATOR: SPECIAL "HEY, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BEN" SECTION: / Utahraptor: Hey, whatever happened to Ben? / T-Rex: WELL, last I heard he was starting high school a few towns over, so I presume he went through the development process that is high school and emerged a changed, taller man than the person I remember from our halcyon pre-pubescent days. / Utahraptor: Sounds plausible! / T-Rex: Another case closed! / T-Rex: And by that I mean, "That was my first experience with losing a friend!"
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=819
 
incidentally, in real life, poo bugs are pretty much the all-purpose revenge tool T-Rex: What should I do if I see someone littering? Every time I do something different and every time it feels like the wrong thing to do. / Narrator: LITTERING COMICS / Narrator: all over the internet / T-Rex: I've tried doing nothing, but that left me feeling like a frustrated milquetoast pushover! I keep wanting to pull the "excuse me, you dropped this" line, but it is sort of an aggressive thing to do, especially if the way I say it makes it clear I think it was, indeed, NO ACCIDENT. I could see that leading to a confrontation, and I don't want to be that guy who throws punches over empty cans of Coke! / Utahraptor: You could throw down over disgusting used Kleenexes! / T-Rex: But it's an overreaction, isn't it? / T-Rex: I don't know - littering's this perfectly situated thing where it's not THAT big a deal taken individually, but a really antisocial thing when taken on a larger scale. / Utahraptor: And yet, not really, when you compare it to, say, murderin' dudes. / T-Rex: Exaclty! I don't know how I should react when confronted with a small instance of a small crime, but which still bothers me. All I can think of is to sneak poo bugs into the dude's food? / Utahraptor: Poo bugs aren't an all-purpose revenge tool, T-Rex. / T-Rex: You take that back!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=820
for some reason this idea has also fascinated me, ryan, since i was little. see every time you pull out a chair for someone, and watch how you age over the years? that's all it takes to fascinate me for 25 years! T-Rex: One of the things I've imagined, ever since I was a little kid, was how neat it would be if you could sort your life by events and view that instead. / T-Rex: You could see every time you eat delicious sandwiches, organized chronologically! / T-Rex: Wouldn't that be cool, Dromiceiomimus? I think that would be cool. You could peek ahead and see every time you get into a fight, so you could be prepared! / Dromiceiomimus: But you'd be spoiling (in the movie sense) your own life! / T-Rex: TRUE. But, you'd also be able to see a rapid-fire montage of all the women you ever kiss. That would be neat and hopefully not disappointing! / Utahraptor: It would actually be pretty neat, I think! You could see your changing responses and everything. / T-Rex: I know! / Utahraptor: Here is what I propose: you record yourself whenever you kiss a woman for the first time, and then when you're old, you edit them all together. A lifetime of work will lead to a memorable result! / T-Rex: It might be awkward getting camera permission JUST before I kiss her. But! I'm up to the task! / Narrator: SOON! / T-Rex: You know what's even hotter than kissing someone for the first time? / Off-panel: Indicating in writing my informed consent to being filmed just before we kiss? / T-Rex: Baby, it's like you read my mind!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=821
according to google, i'm the first person to write 'loaded like uncle pennybags' on the internet. go me! Narrator: LOGICAL FALLACY COMICS / Narrator: today's fallacy: PLURIUM INTERROGATIONUM / Narrator: "the loaded question" / T-Rex: A "loaded question" is when you ask a question that presupposes something unproven! / T-Rex: For instance, Dromiceiomimus, I could ask, "Hey, Dromiceiomimus! Are you still punching children?" / Dromiceiomimus: What? No!! / T-Rex: Aha - so when did you stop? See what I did there? The question presupposes that you've been punching on children in the past, and goes on to suggest that maybe you're still doing so. It is LOADED like rich uncle Pennybags. From Monopoly? / Utahraptor: Your question is really two questions combined into one! / T-Rex: Yep! / T-Rex: It breaks down to "Have you ever punched children, and, if so, are you still doing so?" But since these are merged, and since this merged form still demands a yes or no answer, "no" becomes misleading. The solution is not to answer "yes" or "no", but to reject the question! / Utahraptor: Really! / Utahraptor: T-Rex, are you still punchin' children? Are you still punching them just to steal their ice cream cones? / T-Rex: I reject your question, Utahraptor! It's loaded! / Utahraptor: Why are you SO AFRAID of the truth coming out, T-Rex? / T-Rex: Okay you must never enter politics ever.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=822
we'll burn that bridge when we come to it T-Rex: Am I perhaps too comfortable, too satisfied with my life and friends and ROUTINE? Has the warm embrace of satisfaction become the smothering kiss of COMPLACENCY? / T-Rex: It's time to shake things up, T-Rex style! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, here's a COMPELLING IDEA for ending complacency. We'll insult each other and then become enemies, and THEN, I wouldn't have our little chats to look forward to anymore. Result: complacency: nullified! / Dromiceiomimus: That's so lame! / T-Rex: You're so lame! / Dromiceiomimus: Have we started? / Narrator: A FEW HOURS LATER / Utahraptor: So how's it going on the ol' "no more complacency" front? / T-Rex: Sucky to the max! / T-Rex: I've been systematically destroying the life I knew, but that's just left me panicky and unsatisfied. My romance for something new has led to a realization that I had a routine because I liked what I was doing and when I was doing it. / Utahraptor: Time to reclaim your life of only a few hours ago! / T-Rex: Yes! I will apologize to Dromiceiomimus! And if I ever get too comfortable again, well, I could probably get used to the smothering kiss of complacency. And maybe, one day, I'll finally be ready to START KISSING BACK. / Utahraptor: That's gross and confusing!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=823
if you have a lot of bitches always physically climbing on your back then have i got a comic for you T-Rex: Hey everyone! Stop saying "bitches" so much / T-Rex: There are other words than "bitches"! Daaamn! / T-Rex: These words include such fine examples as "fellows", "gravy", and "Monterey Jack". / Dromiceiomimus: are we to use these words in place of "bitches"? / T-Rex: Exclusively! FOR EXAMPLE, instead of saying "Hey! Get off my back, bitches!" I can Now say, "Hey! Get off my back, Monterey Jack" / Utahraptror: That only works because it rhymes!! / T-Rex: Says you, gravy! / Utahraptor: See? See? That one only makes you sound like you're dumb and want gravy. / T-Rex: I do want gravy. / Utahraptor: Alright. / Utahraptor: I don't have any. / Narator: LATER: / T-Rex: I've allowed my love of gravy to distract from my prescriptivist linguistic crusade! / God: THAT'S THE FIRST TIME ANYONE HAS EVER SAID THAT / T-Rex: Seriously? Does that mean I get into heaven FOR FREE? / God: HONESTLY / God: IT HELPS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=824
 
i have the best job in the world T-Rex: Who spent their Tuesday night doing the BEST THING POSSIBLE?? The answer: me! / T-Rex: I built a statue of myself! / T-Rex: It's LARGER-THAN-LIFE and looks just like me! ONLY BIGGER. What I'm trying to say Dromiceiomimus is that it's fantastic and you should see it some time soon. / Dromiceiomimus: I will! But wouldn't building an articulated robot version of yourself that you can climb inside and control have been closer to the best thing ever? / T-Rex: Well, MAYBE. But a statue is still awesome. / Utahraptor: Yeah, man! You should've totally built a robot suit! / T-Rex: But - I built a whole statue! Overnight!! / T-Rex: Although on closer inspection I must concede that building a fully functional T-Rex robot, overnight, would have been pretty darned choice. / Utahraptor: So now you're saying you regret your statue? Man! I'd like to know what your statue thinks about all this! / Narrator: T-REX REACTION SHOT:
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=825
i'm hoping in a few years the devil's slang is picked up, and we start saying 'as useless as the berries' because that is sort of catchy i think The Devil: MMM GREETINGS T-REX I HAVE A QUERY OF A PERSONAL NATURE / T-Rex: Shoot! / The Devil: DO YOU EVER EXPERIENCE / The Devil: BODY IMAGE ISSUES / T-Rex: Hah! Bawdy image issues! / The Devil: NO I MEAN LIKE DO YOU EVER WISH YOUR BODY LOOKED DIFFERENT THAN IT DOES / T-Rex: Well, actually, no, but I do empathise! I really like being a giant awesome dinosaur, but nobody's ever told me that being giant and awesome is undesirable. I guess SOMETIMES I've been frustrated by my stubby arms, but I still love the li'l champs! / Utahraptor: So you'd never wish to have anything changed? / T-Rex: Nope! / T-Rex: I guess I'm lucky! I can't imagine what it must be like to be trans-sexual, waking up in the morning and feeling like there's been some unfair mistake, and parts of your body are WRONG. / Utahraptor: I've sometimes wished I was more muscley, but that's nothing, because I could just work out if it was REALLY an issue. / T-Rex: The Devil, does that answer your question? / The Devil: NO AND YOUR SYMPATHY IS AS USELESS AS THE BERRIES IN SUPER MARIO WORLD / The Devil: BY WHICH I MEAN / The Devil: ONLY GOOD FOR YOSHIS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=826
where ARE they guys T-Rex: I think that I have a few friends, "Super Friends", if you will, that I'll keep in touch with no matter what happens, and they with me. It comforts me to think this! / Narrator: T-REX AND HIS SUPER FRIENDS / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you are one such super friend! I can see us getting together years from now, after we all drift apart, and still being able to pick up from where we left off. We'd email once or twice a year and that would be all it would take to maintain our super friendship. / Dromiceiomimus: Aww! I agree! / Utahraptor: You're one of MY super friends, T-Rex! / T-Rex: And you're one of mine, of course! / T-Rex: Sweet! We're all friends, and super friends at that, which I guess really just goes to show you that you don't need conflict to drive a narrative. / Utahraptor: What narra- / T-Rex: THE NARRATIVE OF LIFE. / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX WATCHES THIS OTHER T-REX'S LIFE ON TV: / T-Rex: where are the knockers
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=827
earlier: 'wow! what a great ad for berry burst hobosnacks!' T-Rex: I saw a totally sweet ad yesterday! I wanted to show it to my friends, BUT THEN, I realized that's exactly what the marketers wanted me to do! Who here doesn't want to be a tool of viral marketers? / T-Rex: The answer: me! / T-Rex: When I was a kid it was okay, because I didn't have any cultural context and didn't understand that maybe companies WANTED me to spread the word about their ads. But now that I'm a grown-up target market dude, I know that companies sometimes design ads with the express intent that I'll get excited and tell my friends! And it turns out I don't really like being manipulated for profit by strangers? / Utahraptor: So what's the solution? / T-Rex: I don't know dude! / T-Rex: I know I don't want to give up on getting excited about cool ads! Art can be created in a commercial context, and I don't want to reject something because of its origins. BUT I don't want to be Captain Suggestible either! / Utahraptor: Nobody wants to be Captain Suggestible! / Captain Suggestible: Guys! I'm right here! / T-Rex: I'm sorry Cap'n! You forgive me so hard. / Captain Suggestible: I forgive you! I forgive you so hard!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=828
Dude has his own problems! Narrator: SUDDENLY: REMORSE / T-Rex: Aw, I feel kinda bad about taking advantage of Captain Suggestible. What do you do with someone who is that damn suggestible? / T-Rex: Dude has his own problems! / T-Rex: It reminds me of this friend I had in high school who could never ever detect sarcasm, no matter what. It's such a small thing, but it would come up all the time when I'd be like, "oh, no, please, no more ketchup!" and then I wouldn't get any more ketchup when I actually wanted some more ketchup. / Dromiceiomimus: That came up all the time? / T-Rex: We were CRAZY DUDES in high school!! / Utahraptor: So you see Captain Suggestible as a tragic figure? / T-Rex: Maybe! Mostly I see elements of myself. / T-Rex: He's just got this big interpersonal thing where he's not quite sure what's appropriate, and because of that he transgresses unwritten societal boundaries all the time. I think we've all done that a little, and it's embarrassing! / Utahraptor: Ah, you refer to last Saturday night when you went nude swimming "by accident". / Narrator: LAST SATURDAY NIGHT / T-Rex: EVERYONE! OBSERVE MY BEACH NUDITY! / T-Rex: THIS IS NO ACCIDENT
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=829
 
The first announcement is that I am awesome! T-Rex: Hello world! I have the following announcements to make! / T-Rex: The first announcement is that I am awesome! / T-Rex: The second announcement is that everyone within the sound of my voice is awesome! / Dromiceiomimus: Thanks, T-Rex! / T-Rex: The THIRD announcement is that I need to borrow fifty dollars. / Utahraptor: Fifty dollars?! / T-Rex: YES, good sir! Who will lend me the money? Someone AWESOME, perhaps? / Utahraptor: No, I won't lend you fifty dollars. You already owe me like eighty! / T-Rex: But wouldn't you RATHER I owe you one hundred and thirty dollars? / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: God, give me fifty dollars! / God: DUDE THAT'S LIKE THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF HOW RELIGION WORKS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=830
t-rex doesn't so much 'stop reading' books as he 'memorably abandons' them Narrator: COMPRESSED NURSERY RHYME COMICS / T-Rex: Jack Sprat could eat no fat / His wife could eat no lean / And so betwixt the two of them / They licked the platter clean! / T-Rex: AND they shared EATING DISORDERS. / T-Rex: What a world! / Narrator: the end / Narrator: ENCRYPTION JOKE COMICS / Utahraptor: What's better than 128-bit encryption? / T-Rex: What? / Utahraptor: 512-bit encryption! / T-Rex: Dude, that's not funny! / T-Rex: That is accurate and sobering. / Utahraptor: Perhaps you didn't like it because it's too... CRYPTIC? / T-Rex: Wait a minute, I recognize these! / T-Rex: Utahraptor!! / T-Rex: Did you find my long-abandoned copy of "Encryption Jokes... For Teens!"?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=831
okay so last night i accidentally superglued a two foot long scale plastic model of the enterprise d to my left hand? i don't know what i can say so i can come off looking like a winner here T-Rex: There is a lawyer dude who has plastered the city's telephone poles and bus shelters with ads proclaiming "QUICK DIVORCE! $300". And there's always about 2 or 3 of the little phone numbers from the bottom taken. / T-Rex: Ouch for modern marriages! / T-Rex: I took one, but that was simply because I saw the HILARIOUS PRANK POSSIBILITIES of leaving one in a married friend's wallet. But then I had an EVEN BETTER idea! Next to each of his divorce fliers, I put up my own that say "QUICK MARITAL BLISS! $295.95". Hah hah! It is PUBLIC SPACE ART and it also makes bus shelters less depressingly pro-quick-divorce! / Dromiceiomimus: Nice! / Utahraptor: So what happens when people start to call you, T-Rex? / T-Rex: What? / Utahraptor: What happens when people start to call you? They'll probably be expecting some quick marital bliss for their $295.95! / T-Rex: I, um - I hadn't thought of that. I was too impressed with having an actual good idea for an art project to think about "consequences"! / Narrator: LUCKILY, T-REX DISCOVERS A SURE-FIRE WAY TO TURN $295.95 INTO QUICK MARITAL BLISS! / Off-screen Couple: Thanks T-Rex!! You've saved our sucky marriage once again! / T-Rex: Hah hah! / T-Rex: How perfectly PROFITABLE!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=832
t-rex learnt every langauge back in comic 70, but amnesia shortly thereafter led to a bunch of them being hard-core forgotten T-Rex: Time for me to learn some new languages! AS THE OLD SAYING GOES, he who can speak many languages is suspected by his peers to be an ultra super genius times two. / T-Rex: Perhaps I will learn... SIGH LANGUAGE? / Dromiceiomimus: Oh, you should, T-Rex! Then we could talk to each other! / T-Rex: You know sign language? / Dromiceiomimus: Yep! Well - I know Signed English, which is just English translated into hand signs. It's different from ASL, which is a true natural signed language with its own grammar! / T-Rex: Neat! / T-Rex: Then it's settled! I will learn sign language! / Utahraptor: And I will learn Zulu! / Utahraptor: I've always wanted to learn a language nobody around me speaks and I like the way Zulu sounds. / T-Rex: Dude, maybe we're TRENDSETTERS! Maybe in three months languages less spoken will the the very CURRENCY of coolness, a shibboleth for entry into the rarefied world of ULTRA POPULARITY! / Utahraptor: That only works if we're ultra popular, but we're just two dudes who decided in the past 60 seconds to learn some new languages for no real reason! / T-Rex: My question: WHAT COULD BE COOLER THAN THAT??
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=833
unpopular life goals: being a zepplin pilot after 1937, marrying a man who is a dog, eating the OED T-Rex: I have a friend who has a problem, and that problem is that she is one of many with / Narrator: UNPOPULAR LIFE GOALS / T-Rex: This woman in particular wants nothing more than to fall in love with a beautiful and wonderful man, get married, and have children! The only career she wants is the noble career of RAISING A CHILD RIGHT. But some of her friends question her for not wanting anything more out of life: they don't see being a wife and mother is enough, aaand they kinda think she's wasting her education. / Utahraptor: Well, would YOU want to marry a beautiful and wonderful woman and stay at home all day? / T-Rex: HELL YES / T-Rex: I could work on my own projects AND cook delicious meals AND I could make bad decisions all day long. / Utahraptor: And raise children. / T-Rex: AND raise children. / T-Rex: I may well be the perfect mate! Don't you think? / Utahraptor (off screen): Well, if you want to marry a guy who looks forward to "[making] bad decisions all day long", then yes! / T-Rex: If I were you, I'd tell my friends about me.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=834
 
the love letters are kept in a suitcase just in case t-rex needs to leave town in a hurry T-Rex: I am a dude who came across a suitcase full of old love letters I got in high school. Sweet! / T-Rex: That's right, ladies! I'VE got a HISTORY! / T-Rex: I'd completely forgotten about these letters, and it was really cool to re-read them now with older, less hormonally-charged eyes! We were crazy kids struggling with feelings we didn't fully understand. It was charming! Also, and I, um, I don't pretend to understand this, but there's one letter from each girlfriend where, without exception, she's drawn the two of us, she and I, as Batman and the Joker. / Utahraptor: Hah! How many girlfriends were there? / T-Rex: I refuse to say!! / T-Rex: But I assure you that for whatever reason, each of them saw it fit to render a copyright-infringing vision of a universe where we live the astonishing dreams of Finger and Kane. / Utahraptor: That's really odd, isn't it? What do you suppose it means? / T-Rex: Man! I think that's pretty obvious! / T-Rex: Everyone I've ever kissed is AWESOME!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=835
logical fallacy comics: the relativist fallacy Narrator: THE UNIVERSE WHERE EVERYTHING COMES BACK TO TOAST: / T-Rex: So yeah, as I was saying, the relativist fallacy is when you reject a claim by saying "Oh, that may be true for you, but it's not true for me." / God: HUH / T-Rex: So if I say "the atomic mass of xenon is 131.3 AMU", a response of "Oh, maybe it is for YOU!" is a fallacy. But if I said "toast is the ultimate breakfast-time treat", you could very well respond with "maybe for YOU, not for ME" and it wouldn't be a fallacy, because as we know the debate over breakfast is as subjective as it is eternal. / / Utahraptor: Who are you explaining the relativist fallacy to? / T-Rex: Oh, just God! / T-Rex: He was asking me what the weight of xenon was and I was all "Duh, 131.3 AMU" and he was all "Duh, maybe for you, T-Rex" and I was all, "Aha! Time to pontificate!" Then I worked in an example about toast. / T-Rex and Utahraptor: HEY! Let's go get some toast! / T-Rex: It all comes back to toast!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=836
okay cannibals in my audience listen i'm sorry but i'm pretty sure you aren't throwing in with the laws of god and man Narrator: ONE MORNING, A REVELATION: / T-Rex: Having a shower is like admitting you get dirty! / T-Rex: And - and going to the bathroom is like admitting you need to go to the bathroom sometimes! Going to bed is like admitting you get tired! EATING is like admitting you get HUNGRY. Being a cannibal is like admitting you don't throw in with the laws of God and man! / T-Rex: That's it! / Utahraptor: What do you mean "that's it"? / That's all I got. I've realized that doing things is like admitting to people that you experience the events that cause you to do these things. It's not a very good revelation. / Utahraptor: Well - you tried! You don't have to be a walking revelation factory. / Narrator: LATER! / God: T-REX I'M GOD AND I SAY YOU HAVE TO BE A WALKING REVELATION FACTORY / T-Rex: Utahraptor says I don't! / God: AWWWWW SHOOT
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=837
i heard from someone you're still pretty T-Rex: They make truth serum, but how come they don't make lie serum? / T-Rex: I could take some, go out, and CAUSE PROBLEMS! / T-Rex: You could even overdose on lie serum and never tell the truth again, UNTIL you got an injection of truth serum to cancel it out. / Dromeceiomimus: I don't think that's how medical science works! / T-Rex: How can you trust a medical science that won't share the amazing secret of LIE SERUM, also known as the "Serum of Lies" and more obliquely as the "Serum of Inducing Distrustfulness In Others"? / Utahraptor: Perhaps it's beautiful that people would invent a truth serum but not a lie serum! / T-Rex: How's that? / Utahraptor: Two ways! It's beautiful that we strive for a way to create truth, but not untruth; the other is a sad beauty in that there's no demand for a lie serum, because our bodies seem to manufacture it themselves. / T-Rex: Anyway! Have some of this "serum" I just invented. / Utahraptor: It tastes like raspberries! / T-Rex: NO IT TASTES LIKE DELICIOUS BLUEBERRY
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=838
i have this plan to write a teen gross-out comedy where everyone but the teens is from a serious dramatic movie instead. all this improbable disgusting stuff happens to the teens, and all the dramatic characters have to deal with the consequences. people T-Rex: I'm not sure if I'll ever be married and have kids. There's just so much that has to happen first! I have to meet a woman, fall in love, SHE has to fall in love with me... / T-Rex: Then we have to engage in successful sexual congress producing offspring!! / T-Rex: I'd love being a father, I think, but I'll probably just end up as that crazy uncle who comes to visit and secretly teaches everybody else's kids how to put too many bananas in their mouth. Ah well! It's a good life, if you don't weaken. / Dromiceiomimus: Awww, T-Rex! You'd make such a great dad. / T-Rex: Thank you Dromiceiomimus! / Utahraptor: Well. you could always have kids by donating sperm! / T-Rex:That is technically true! / T-Rex: However, would I even know if that results in kids? Do they tell the donor that? Honestly, all I know about sperm banks comes from teen gross-out comedies. / Utahraptor: So you suspect- / T-Rex: Yes. I suspect that without fail, somebody always accidentally consumes the semen. / T-Rex: I suspect that sperm banks have put processes in place to prevent this, but that it continues to occur! I suspect that managers are going grey from constantly dealing with reports of accidental semen consumption. They've tried everything, but guests and staff seem almost INTENT on comsuming it.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=839
i have this plan to write a teen gross-out comedy where everyone but the teens is from a serious dramatic movie instead. all this improbable disgusting stuff happens to the teens, and all the dramatic characters have to deal with the consequences. people T-Rex: I'm not sure if I'll ever be married and have kids. There's just so much that has to happen first! I have to meet a woman, fall in love, SHE has to fall in love with me... / T-Rex: Then we have to engage in successful sexual congress producing offspring!! / T-Rex: I'd love being a father, I think, but I'll probably just end up as that crazy uncle who comes to visit and secretly teaches everybody else's kids how to put too many bananas in their mouth. Ah well! It's a good life, if you don't weaken. / Dromiceiomimus: Awww, T-Rex! You'd make such a great dad. / T-Rex: Thank you Dromiceiomimus! / Utahraptor: Well. you could always have kids by donating sperm! / T-Rex:That is technically true! / T-Rex: However, would I even know if that results in kids? Do they tell the donor that? Honestly, all I know about sperm banks comes from teen gross-out comedies. / Utahraptor: So you suspect- / T-Rex: Yes. I suspect that without fail, somebody always accidentally consumes the semen. / T-Rex: I suspect that sperm banks have put processes in place to prevent this, but that it continues to occur! I suspect that managers are going grey from constantly dealing with reports of accidental semen consumption. They've tried everything, but guests and staff seem almost INTENT on comsuming it.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=839
 
we are all big fans of mistakes here at qwantz dot com T-Rex: Hmm... what's the biggest mistake I've ever made, I wonder? / T-Rex: More broccoli, please! / T-Rex: Oh, whatever! That wasn't even a mistake. I've got to tally up a lifetime of failings and concentrate HARDER THAN EVER BEFORE! I will stomp on things to focus my mental energies, or "menergies". / Utahraptor: What about the time you built the Riverboat Shabby, T-Rex? / T-Rex: Hmm...! / Utahraptor: This riverboat has so many holes, T-Rex! It's so shabby! / T-Rex: Hah hah! / T-Rex: No way! / Utahraptor: Now we're sinking because of how shabby this boat is! / T-Rex: Hah hah hah! / T-Rex: What?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=840
'reclamation' is but one word that, contrary to many eager first impressions, has nothing to do with clams T-Rex: Here is a terrible idea for a date: you take the lady to a stinky old sewage processing plant and then tour the facilities! You could be all, "Sorry, potential lifemate! I'm a dude who makes bad date decisions." / Narrator: T-REX AND FRIENDS IN: "DATES" / Dromiceiomimus: I bet most sewage processing plants are actually cool and don't really smell like poops, T-Rex! It would probably end up being a pretty good AND informative date. How does waste reclamation work anyway? / T-Rex: Huh! I don't know, Dromiceiomimus! / Utahraptor: It is essentially awesome, my friend! / T-Rex: Oh yeah? / Utahraptor: Yeah! A combination of physical (letting the heavy bits settle), biological, and chemical means are often used. Sometimes they even create artificial swamps to attract animals that aid in the waste reclamation process! / T-Rex: Neat! / Narrator: LATER, A DATE TO A WASTE RECLAMATION FACILITY! / Date: You are so charming, T-Rex! And I LOVE learning about waste reclamation! / Utahraptor: I feel the same way, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Wow, you are one appreciative date, and YOU are one surprisingly amorous tour guide!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=841
t-rex calls it a fiver because that's what he imagines counterfeiters call them when they brag to each other about counterfeiting? Voice: Excuse me, sir!! This bill you gave me is counterfeit! / T-Rex: Aw snapadoodle! / Narrator: "COUNTERFEIT BILLS COMICS" / T-Rex: So then I just gave her a new bill. It was a little embarrassing, but my REAL problem is what to do with this fiver, now that I know it's a fake! / Dromiceiomimus: Spending it would just shift the problem onto somebody else. / T-Rex: Exactly! And brining it to a bank just means I'm out $5; they wouldn't exchange it for a real bill because then the counterfeiters could just go to the banks too. / Utahraptor: I think you are an unfortunate victim without recourse of CURRENCY CRIME, my friend! / T-Rex: Aw poo. / Utahraptor: The best you can do is report it to the police and be more vigilant in the future. Unless you're willing to further the crime by passing it off as legal tender, I'm afraid you're out the five dollars. / T-Rex: Man! You know where I got the fake money? Change from a friggin' fast food restaurant. / T-Rex: I blame the Colonel Sanders! / God: COLONEL SANDERS HAS BEEN ADDED TO YOUR REVENGE LIST / T-Rex: Well good!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=842
utahraptor doesn't actually believe in book burning OR game melting. but, you know - controversy monday! God: T-REX LET'S TALK ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT ALL VIDEOGAMES ARE ACTUALLY JUST MURDER SIMULATORS / T-Rex: It's Controversy Monday! / T-Rex: Controversy Monday is the day when you needlessly volunteer made up opinions on abortion! / God: YEAH I KNOW BUT DUDE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT VIDEOGAMES HERE AND I SAW ON TV THAT EVERY TEEN KILLER PLAYS DOOM EVEN THOUGH IT'S LIKE 15 YEARS OLD / T-Rex: Can we accept that there will always be some unstable people who will go off with any stimulus, and that others can't be held responsible? / God: UM / God: NOT ON CONTROVERSY MONDAY / Utahraptor: Are we to discount these people, though? / T-Rex: Yes! They're CRAZY. / Utahraptor: Okay, but the fact is that if a given stimulus (game, book, movie whatever) WASN'T there, then they wouldn't have gone all crazy at the same time, place, or even at all! / T-Rex: TRUE, but that's ridiculous. That's like saying that if your parents had conceived differently you wouldn't have been born... / T-Rex: ...thereby making THEM responsible for the fact that you came over last night and ate all my damn pastries! / Utahraptor: I was just preparing for Controversy Monday! / T-Rex: YOU WERE JUST PREPARING FOR YOUR BELLY SWELLING WITH MY SO DELICIOUS PASTRIES
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=843
butterfly dreams T-Rex: I'm not a dude who usually has dreams, but last night I dreamed I had a whole other house, had forgotten about paying the mortgage, and was now horribly in debt? / T-Rex: Thanks, subconscious! / T-Rex: Not only did I get to have FABRICATED MONEY WOES, but I also got to wake up with the same dream-feeling of "aw snap, I'm in trouble now" in real life too. Woo! / Dromiceiomimus: And this coloured your emotions in the morning, and whatever you thought of seemed to be a little worse because of it? I've had that too! / T-Rex: Exactly. Sucks to that! / Utahraptor: Maybe it's the whole butterfly dreaming he's a dinosaur thing, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Perhaps literally!! / T-Rex: Maybe I really have made tons of mistakes in my real life (as a butterfly) and then I go to sleep and dream I'm this awesome dinosaur with friends! Then I wake up and I'm still this indebted SUCKY BUTTERFLY with bad fiscal management skills. / Utahraptor: Aww! You're cuter as a butterfly. / T-Rex: Man, I'm a butterfly saddled with crippling debt! There's nothing cute about that. / Utahraptor: There is if you imagine the debt in tiny butterfly dollars, each colourfully illustrated with even tinier butterflies and flowers. / T-Rex: Granted!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=844
 

Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60
61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 >>