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how to be patronizing... on the internet! Narrator: HOW TO BE PATRONIZING / T-Rex: Oh shoot, it's so easy! / T-Rex: AND so fun! AND a recipe for a one-man party! / T-Rex: Okay, so the first secret to being patronizing is to react to everything people do with an aloof amusement, as if it's so PRECIOUS that they did something all on their own. Aren't you just so SPECIAL, Dromiceiomimus? / Dromiceiomimus: Nobody wants to be patronized to, T-Rex. / T-Rex: Aw, sure they do, Dromiceiomimus! Here, let me give you a pat on the head. You've earned it! / T-Rex: Another great secret is to call people "Champ". / Utahraptor: Seriously, T-Rex. Knock it off. / T-Rex: What's up, Champ? Something bothering you? / Utahraptor: God damn it, you're making everyone angry. Why are you even doing this in the first place? / T-Rex: Don't you worry about it, Champ! Here, have some Lego. If you try super hard, you can get some to stick together! / T-Rex: Aww, don't worry Champ! Not everyone gets it on their first try!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=605
Scientists: these guys are on the ball T-Rex: Anyway, forget infinite time! I have a better idea. What if this universe is just one . . . of many? / T-Rex: Okay, people have had my awesome idea before. BUT! / T-Rex: BUT, my idea is actually DIFFERENT. Because what if these universes all exist at once, right now, regularly spaced throughout an inifinitely-huge multiverse? Instead of infinite time, infinite space. Then trillions and trillions of kilometres away from me in every direction is another universe, with another me! / T-Rex: Infinite high fives all around! / Utahraptor: I think this idea has been put forward before, T-Rex! / T-Rex: What? Not again! / Utahraptor: Yeah, the idea of multiple universes is so popular, I'm pretty sure EVERY theory that's at least borderline probable has been put forward before. / T-Rex: Friggin' scientists! / T-Rex: How do they come up with all my ideas before I even articulate them? / T-Rex: Man! / T-Rex: These guys are on the BALL!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=606
things t-rex did that one time Narrator: THINGS T-REX DID THAT ONE TIME / Narrator: ANSWERED THE PHONE IN THE NUDE: / T-Rex: Hah hah! Yep! / Narrator: PUSHED SOMEONE DOWN A SLIDE BEFORE THEY WERE READY: / Dromiceiomimus: Really, you did that? That's very unkind! Were they alright? / T-Rex: They were FINE. It's a slide! People are meant to fall down it! / Narrator: TRIED TO HAVE A NAP IN THE SHOWER: / Utahraptor: What mde you think that was a good idea? / T-Rex: I was tired? / Narrator: LEFT A THERMOS FULL OF FOOD FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS, HOPING SOMEONE ELSE WOULD CLEAN IT OUT: / Utahraptor: Man, I remember that thermos! What happened when you opened it? / T-Rex: I don't know! It's in the attic. You can clean it out if you want! / Narrator: DONATED MONEY TO AN ORGANIZATION TO HELP BUILD NEEDED INFRASTRUCTURE OVERSEAS: / T-Rex: Aww! A touching ending! / T-Rex: Also, this one time? I ate a whole lasagna before dinner but my parents got me in heaps of trouble.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=607
well, at least they're social T-Rex: Sociopaths view other people as obstacles. / T-Rex: Isn't that WEIRD? / T-Rex: Hah! There's a lot of crazy things about sociopaths. The whole callous unconcern for the feeling of others, incapacity to feel guilt and to profit from past experience, and disregard for social norms, for example! / Utahraptor: Any particular reason your're talking about sociopaths? / T-Rex: No reason! / T-Rex: Certainly no SOCIOPATHIC reason, Utahraptor. / Utahraptor: Ok- / T-Rex: Certainly no SOCIOPATHIC reason. / T-Rex: Hah hah! Come'ere you, I was just fooling around! / T-Rex: GIVE ME A HUG.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=608
better at it than me T-Rex: Who is the best at eatin' cupcakes? The probable answer is T-Rex, because my goodness I ate seven cupcakes yesterday all in a row! / T-Rex: And guys I wasn't even trying that hard! / Dromiceiomimus: Wow! If that's the case, you're better at it than me! I start to feel sick after about five. / T-Rex: Ah, Dromiceiomimus, that's actually "better at it than I". An easy way to remember is to include the "to be" verb you're dropping: "better at it than I am" sounds right, while "better at it than me am" does not! Easy! / Utahraptor: Geez, that was kind of rude, T-Rex! / T-Rex: It wasn't meant to be! / Utahraptor: Yeah, but it was. Correcting people's grammar in conversation is difficult to do without sounding like a jerk! / T-Rex: It's true! Plus, you've got to be eternally vigilant with your own grammar, lest you mess up yourself. / T-Rex: And yet, I do it freely!! That's because I live on the edge, Utahraptor. / T-Rex: That's because, some days, I take an envelope out of hte box and I PUSH IT.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=609
 
world's cryiest baby T-Rex: I just got off a bus featuring the World's Cryiest Baby. Oh man, what a relief! / T-Rex: Here's a tip: SOME babies need to learn to cry a little less! / Dromiceiomimus: That's a terrible thing to say, T-Rex! You can't blame a BABY for crying! / T-Rex: I know, I know! I was just a little irritable and making jokes. I don't actually blame the baby, Dromiceiomimus! / Utahraptor: But you sort of blame the baby though, right? / T-Rex: No!! / T-Rex: I just wish it'd cried less. I'm sure if the baby and I got to know each other, we could be friends! / Utahraptor: Hah hah, you hate babies! / T-Rex: No man! I love babies! Some of my best friends used to be babies! / God: HEY EVERYONE T-REX HATES BABIES / T-Rex: Why would you even say that?! I'm the only one that can hear you! / God: HAH HAH / God: ZING
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=610
going back in time to kill bad guys T-Rex: Hello everybody! I'm back in the present, after going way the heck back in time to kill a great dictator for the common good! / T-Rex: Now, to convince my friends that I'm not coo-coo KRAZY! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I'm back from the past, where I've changed the timeline to remove someone bad from history! Isn't that PLAUSIBLE? / Dromiceiomimus: Um - do you have any evidence? / T-Rex: My only evidence is how incredibly plausible my story is. I would rate it: super plausible! / Utahraptor: I find it pretty implausible that you'd return to a future where we all remember you just as you are! / T-Rex: Oh yeah? / T-Rex: Go ahead, ask me anything. I bet I'll get it wrong! / Utahraptor: This is dumb. / T-Rex: You know what's dumb? Not believing my incredibly plausible story! / Narrator: MEANWHILE, SOMEONE ELSE HAS GONE BACK IN TIME TO KILL T-REX! / T-Rex: WHAT THE HELL.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=611
abandonware adventures Devil: I BRING YOU NUMEROUS GREETINGS T-REX / Devil: AND A QUESTION I WISH TO POSE TO YOU / T-Rex: Aw man! What do you want? / Narrator: T-REX AND THE DEVIL STAR IN: "ABANDONWARE ADVENTURES" / Devil: I SIMPLY WISH TO ASCERTAIN YOUR OPINION ON CLASSIC GAME EMULATION / Devil: THERE ARE OFTEN CIRCUMSTANCES IN WHICH A GAME'S COMPANY HAS FOLDED BUT THE GAME ITSELF REMAINS POPULAR / Devil: IN THESE CIRCUMSTANCES IS IT ETHICAL TO COPY AND EMULATE THE GAME IN QUESTION / T-Rex: T-That's actually a really interesting question! / Utahraptor: Which is, T-Rex? / T-Rex: The question the Devil just asked me about "orphaned games!" / T-Rex: It's actually just a subset of the larger problem of orphaned works still under copyright. How can such works be dealt with when it's impossible or prohibitively expensive to figure out who owns the rights? / Utahraptor: Man I'll leave you to it! I'm going elsewhere to have an INTERESTING conversation. / T-Rex: But - copyright laws as applied to software IS really interesting! Come on! / Devil: I TOO WILL LEAVE FOR I MERELY WISH TO PLAY CLASSIC NES GAMES FOR FREE T-REX / Devil: HOLY MOLEY
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=612
capital-p Problems T-Rex: I think I put too much symbolism into random encounters with people I meet on the street! I see them as a microcosm for larger society. / T-Rex: It is a problem with me! / T-Rex: FOR EXAMPLE: the other day I saw some kids who had dropped their bag of marbles. It was a stereotypical image of childhood! But when I stopped to help them pick them up, they said, "No, don't touch them please." / T-Rex: Ouch, man! What went wrong? Can we no longer trust a stranger's helping hand? / Utahraptor: Sure we can, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Well, these kids couldn't! / T-Rex: My mood was off for the rest of the day because of it. I was worrying about communities and stuff! / Utahraptor: This IS the danger in seeing kids as symbols rather than as real people who just want to pick up their own marbles. / NARRATOR: T-REX DECIDES TO SOLVE ALL HIS PROBLEMS BY FOUNDING HIS OWN UTOPIAN COMMUNITY: / T-Rex: It's actually been on my to-do list for a while now, if you can believe that. / T-Rex: Everyone! Be just like me!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=613
good night, don't let yourself bite the bed bugs T-Rex: As I was drifting off to sleep last night, I rolled over and discovered there was a bug in my bed! With me! Right on my pillow! / T-Rex: Ewwwwwwwwwwwww! / Dromiceiomimus: That's so gross, T-Rex! What'd you do? / T-Rex: Well, I ate it. Problem solved! / T-Rex: Tada! / Utahraptor: Ew, T-Rex! You don't know where that bug has been! / T-Rex: Sure I do! / T-Rex: I know it's been in my bed. / Utahraptor: Yeah, but BEFORE that, it could have been anywhere! What if it was a poo bug? / T-Rex: Aw man, do those exist? / T-Rex: These bugs aren't made out of what I think they are, are they? / T-Rex: Other poo bugs?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=614
 
the sweet dudes featuring justin time T-Rex: I've decided to write a story about my own team of superheroes. That's right! They're called... / T-Rex: The Incr-- The Fant- The Sweet Dudes! / T-Rex: So far I've got four people on the team. The first is Justin Time, who has time-based powers! The second is Justin Case, who can control probability. The third is Chix Diggit, who is an attractive dude if I do say so myself, and the last member is Tim Foresnax, who can eat a lot if he wants to! They fight crime and prejudice and have romantic (mis)adventures. / Utahraptor: This seems a little derivative, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Nope! It is 100% my creation! / Utahraptor: Come on! "Justin Case"? "Justin Time"? Those are old names that weren't that funny to begin with. / T-Rex: Well, Justin Time goes by his middle name, Tehnikov, because having two Justins on the team would be confusing. Get it? / T-Rex: Their names sound like common phrases that people might say sometimes! "Just in the nick of time"? Hee hee! / T-Rex: It's pretty implausible that someone named "Justin Time" would end up having temporal powers though.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=615
t-rex's life goals T-Rex: Time to make some Life Decisions, set some Life Goals! / T-Rex: That's right, ladies! I am going to be a dude with direction! / T-Rex: But this isn't just a ploy to seem more comely to members of the attractive sex! I really feel like I need a goal to work towards, something that I want to achieve. In the past I've always just gone with the flow! / T-Rex: Go to school, okay, then university, okay, then get a job - / Utahraptor: And then? / T-Rex: And then... work at that job or at better jobs as they come along, until I get married and later on die! THE END. / Utahraptor: And you're hoping to avoid this by having Life Goals? / T-Rex: Yep! Somehow! / Narrator: T-REX'S LIFE GOALS: / T-Rex: Get big and smart? / T-Rex: Eat my weight in chocolate? / T-Rex: Learn how to fly rockets or something?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=616
t-rex playing with the british national corpus T-Rex: I went through a document of 100 million English words and counted each of them. You'll never guess what the most-often-used verb form in the English language is! / T-Rex: It's "is"! / T-Rex: The second-most-often used is "was", then "be" and "are" and "have" and "had". / Dromiceiomimus: These are all pretty boring words, T-Rex. Most are just forms of the same verb! / T-Rex: This is not my fault! People just talk about being and having a lot. What we need to do is spice up our conversations with more interesting verbs! / Utahraptor: Hey, let's start doing this right now! / T-Rex: YES. Motion passes! / Utahraptor: Okay! So, um... let's- fletcherize? / T-Rex: Dude, that's not a conversation! That's just using a victorian-era verb (which means to chew one's food thoroughly) without any context! / Utahraptor: Well - I was asking if you wanted to chew your food thoroughly, that's all! / T-Rex: Oh, okay! I guess I do, a little. / T-Rex: D-Do you want to do it at your place or mine?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=617
i'm so intense, dude. T-Rex: One of the great myths of our time is that the trick to becoming good at something is to practice it over and over. / T-Rex: I'm afraid that I must respectfully disagree!! / T-Rex: PROOF BY COUNTEREXAMPLE: I have probably practiced eating hundreds of thousands of times! And yet, sometimes I screw it up. Practice clearly hasn't helped me here, because I should be super awesome at eating things now! / Dromiceiomimus: You screw it up? / T-Rex: I choke! It goes down the wrong tube or whatever. It's very embarrassing and sometimes I require medical attention. / Utahraptor: Well, to be fair, there's a difference between practicing eating and just doing many times over many years, T-Rex. / Utahraptor: When you're practicing, you're more aware of what you're doing, examining your own actions actions with an eye for improvement. It's a focus one dosen't have while simply eating as a matter of routine. / T-Rex: Perhaps it's a focus YOU don't have, dude! You forget that I am extremely intense. / T-Rex: And I can prove it, too! Ask me how my day was. / Utahraptor: Okay, how was your day? / T-Rex: FRIGGIN' INTENSE!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=618
time to check up on that utopian society i founded! T-Rex: Time to check up on that utopian society I founded! I bet everything is totally perfect there in Utopia Land. / Narrator: SOON: / T-Rex: They MOVED?! / T-Rex: My utopian society moved, Dromiceiomimus! They moved away! / Dromiceiomimus: What do you mean? / T-Rex: Just that! They packed up everything they could and moved somewhere else, and it's not somewhere nearby! They clearly thought things would be more utopic if they moved further away from ME. Argh! I hate those guys so much right now! / Utahraptor: But maybe they didn't move, T-Rex! Maybe they just DISAPPEARED! / T-Rex: Huh? / Utahraptor: They're a utopian society, right? But the term "utopia" is a neo-logistic pun in Greek! There, depending on how the word is pronounced ("eu" or "ou"), it means EITHER 'good place' OR 'no place'. In English the "u" handles both these sounds, so 'utopia' actually contains both of these meanings! / T-Rex: That's ridiculous! They didn't phase out of existence for the sake of a pun. You're just using this as an excuse to cram an etymology lesson where it doesn't belong! / T-Rex: Colour me impressed!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=619
 
digital camera prank T-Rex: Okay, so I take a picture of myself with my digital camera put it on my computer, and then digitally alter it. I make it appear like I'm snow-boarding or meeting famous people or something! Something that is at least PLAUSIBLE. / T-Rex: Then I upload the altered image back to my camera, thereby forming the Perfect Prank! / T-Rex: Now, all I have to do is show people the pictures on my camera, and they'll assume they're authentic because you can't alter a photo like that in-camera! I will exploit the expectation that most people only copy images from, and not to, their digital cameras for comedic effect! Tee hee! / T-Rex: People will fall for this for sure! / Utahraptor: Okay, but which people? / Utahraptor: You've just explained the prank to both Dromiceiomimus and myself, dude! Do you have other friends that you're close enough to to LIE to them like this? / T-Rex: I sure do, baby! / T-Rex: Hey God! Check out these awesome pictures I got on my camera! / God: OKAY T-REX BUT YOU KNOW I AM AWARE OF EVERYTHING EVER RIGHT / T-Rex: Okay nevermind.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=620
let's talk about feelings T-Rex: So who here wants to TALK ABOUT FEELINGS? Wooo! Everyone loves a dude who talks about feelings, right? / T-Rex: Feelings: let's talk about them! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, how do you FEEL today? / Dromiceiomimus: Fine, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Hey, I feel fine too! Would you like to talk about it for a few hours because that's always a good idea? / Dromiceiomimus: Hah hah, no thanks! / T-Rex: Secretly, neither would I! High fives!! / Utahraptor: Hey did I overhear that we're talking about feelings? / T-Rex: You probably did, my friend! / Utahraptor: Great - listen, I'm sorry I've been a bit snippy lately; I've just been a little stressed out about some things at home. / T-Rex: Oh, um, I was sort of making fun of talking about feelings, but we can actually talk about them too. This is because I am a Good Friend! / T-Rex: A good friend who keeps such conversations in strict confidence, no less! So, tell me about your problems. / Utahraptor: Well, as I was saying- / T-Rex: Do you have any problems with sexy stuffs?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=621
who would have thought this 'who can be the better fake panhandler' competition would reflect poorly on us? T-Rex: I was asked for money on the street today, and after I gave what change I had, I was told quite aggressively by the guy that it wasn't enough! This can only mean that it's time once again to discuss everyone's favourite topic. . . / T-Rex: Panhandling! / T-Rex: And it's a tricky issue! Giving money to beggars can be helpful, but some feel it encourages bad behavior and undermines the work of social support organizations. Plus there is always the rumour of beggars who take home hundreds of dollars a day! On the other hand, there may well be people for whom begging is the only means of support they have. / Utahraptor: You're sure using a lot of qualifiers there, T-Rex! / T-Rex: It's intentional! / T-Rex: I really don't know very much about panhandling, and a lot of people feel really strongly about it. I don't know! I usually try to learn more about things by doing them, but if I panhandled I'd be a total poseur. / Utahraptor: I bet if *I* did it, I'd be way more of a poseur than you! / T-Rex: Man, you're on! / T-Rex: Wait! / T-Rex: This belittles us both!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=622
things t-rex got in the mail for free that one time Narrator: THINGS THAT T-REX HAS GOTTEN FOR FREE IN THE MAIL COMICS / Narrator: PANTYHOSE (2 PAIR): / T-Rex: I gave them to my mother for her birthday! What a good son! / Narrator: INTERNET OSTRICH MEAT STICKS: / T-Rex: Hmmm... they tasted like regular meat sticks, I guess! / Dromiceiomimus: What do those taste like? / T-Rex: Like spicy leather? I wouldn't have eaten them under normal circumstances, but, you know, free internet ostrich meat. / Narrator: BREAKFAST SHAKES: / Utahraptor: And how did that taste? / T-Rex: They were so vile. I literally could not understand it. / Narrator: DEPENDS™ BRAND ADULT DIAPERS: / Utahraptor: Did you try them? Did they work?? / T-Rex: Only BRIEFLY. It turns out they're meant for the elderly, not for virile young dudes! They don't say this on the package though. / T-Rex: Nooo way. / Narrator: A BEANIE CAP WITH A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK PROPELLER ON TOP: / Utahraptor: How come you don't wear it? / T-Rex: 'Cause it's a beanie cap with a glow-in-the-dark propeller on top? / T-Rex (whisper): Also I think I broke the propeller.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=623
the devil claims to be significantly l33t Devil: T-REX I HAVE BEGUN TO EMPLOY NUMBERS AND SYMBOLS IN LIEU OF ACTUAL LETTERS IN ONLINE ENCOUNTERS / Devil: AS AN EXAMPLE BACKSLASH LETTER O FORWARDSLASH / Devil: INDICATES HOORAY / T-Rex: Okay! Thanks for that! / Devil: IT SEEMS A LOT OF GAMERS USE THIS OR AT LEAST A LOT OF PORTRAYALS OF GAMERS IN THE MEDIA / Devil: IT IS DIFFICULT TO TELL WHERE THE TRUTH LIES / T-Rex: Does it really matter which idiolect you use? / Devil: OF COURSE IT DOES I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO THINK I'M LAME / Devil: I ASSURE YOU / Devil: I AM SIGNIFICANTLY AWESOME / T-Rex: Well, why don't you just check to see what others are doing? / Utahraptor: Talking to the Devil? / T-Rex: Yeah. He's worried he won't look cool in front of his fellow gamers if he speaks with numbers in place of letters? / Utahraptor: Is that what they do in hell? Play video games all the time? / Devil: ACTUALLY IN HELL YOU CAN DO JUST ABOUT WHATEVER YOU WANT ONLY WHILE YOU'RE DOING IT YOU HAVE TO SING SONGS WITH ALL THE LYRICS REPLACED BY "PARTY" / T-Rex: That doesn't sound so bad! / Devil: YES WELL THAT'S WHY I INVENTED THE PLACE T-REX
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=624
 
this comic is for ninjalicious - i never met him but he did many excellent things. T-Rex: Hey, who wants to come with me to sneak around in abandoned buildings? / T-Rex: I know you want to, Dromiceiomimus! / Dromiceiomimus: Maybe I do, actually! What's this about? / T-Rex: It's urban exploration! We poke around in abandoned factories and schools and mental institutions and stuff, but not to steal things, just to look at how things have changed since the building was in use. It's awesome! You see old bathtubs and all sorts of stuff! / Dromiceiomimus: Alright! Count me in! / Utahraptor: Is this like infiltration? / T-Rex: Yeah, man! / T-Rex: The difference is that infiltration includes exploring buildings that ARE currently in use, like subway systems and stuff, going places you're not supposed to go. We're only going to buildings that haven't been in use for years. It's more like trespassing! / Utahraptor: Count me in too! What could possibly go wrong? / Narrator: NOTHING! EVERYONE HAS A GREAT TIME AND TAKES SOME AMAZING PICTURES: / T-Rex: Hooray! We got to feel what it would be like to be the last person on earth, surrounded by the decaying remains of civilization. / T-Rex: (One more thing checked off on my lifetime 'To-Do' list!)
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=625
not the first time t-rex has tried to avoid unconsciousness Narrator: T-REX STAYS UP FOR 41 HOURS IN THIS COMIC: / T-Rex: Well, I'm perfectly content. Time to mix things up by staying awake for 41 hours! / T-Rex: It's going to be great! This is the best idea ev- / Narrator: HOUR 20: / T-Rex: I'd never want to eat polluted excited pork meat, Dromiceiomimus. I just invented it and I never want to eat it. / Dromiceiomimus: Okay! / T-Rex: Just think about it! "Polluted"? Eww!! And what does "excited" mean when applied to meat? It just raises too many questions. / T-Rex: I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. / Narrator: HOUR 26: / Utahraptor: What's it like being awake for over a day? / T-Rex: Last night I ate lots of pears by mistake. / Narrator: HOUR 34: / T-Rex: What if I'm a new form of dinosaur that can get tired but that doesn't actually require rest? I'd never know until I did something like this! / Utahraptor: I think you're exhausted and can't recognize it. / T-Rex: Are you jealous of my mutant dinosaur powers? / Narrator: HOUR 40: T-REX'S HEART SKIPS A BEAT / T-Rex: Ahh! Oh my God! THAT WAS NOT EXCITING OR ROMANTIC AT ALL!! / T-Rex: I would have words with the people in charge of aphorisms!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=626
sapir-whorf, make it so T-Rex: Does language alter the way we think? Sources say: perhaps! / T-Rex: This source says: DEFINITELY YES. / T-Rex: I think it's a subtle but pervasive effect! If a language doesn't have a word for something, I think I'm less likely to think about whatever it is that word would refer to. For instance, in English we have words for "friends", but what if we had a single word for the phrase "friends who deserve pie more often"? I bet I'd consider buying people more pies! / Utahraptor: You're saying that if we had words for these things, people would think of them more often? / T-Rex: Yeah! / Utahraptor: Well, I agree, but I think you're confusing cause and effect! As things become more prominent, they move to become words. Like "electronic mail" becoming "e-mail" and finally "email" - that was due to email becoming more popular, not because people were creating the word in order to MAKE IT more popular. You know? / Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE THERE'S NO WORD FOR LOVE: / T-Rex: Aww, I really respect you and wish to spend more time with you in a romantic fashion, too! / T-Rex: TIME FOR MUTUAL KISSES.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=627
if you don't know what vanilla extract is, this comic will be so confusing. T-Rex: You know how vanilla extract smells really good, but tastes really gross when you drink it? / T-Rex: I think this is very symbolic for... something! / T-Rex: Maybe it's symbolic for love? Great in moderation, but you can ruin it by taking too much (i.e., smothering the person with affection)? / Dromiceiomimus: It's a little forced! How about symbolic for our generation's sexual politics, in ways I think are pretty clear? / T-Rex: It's a possibility, I guess! Hmmm... / Utahraptor: Are we seriously trying to come up with things that vanilla extract is symbolic for? / T-Rex: Yep! / Utahraptor: Okay - why vanilla extract? / T-Rex: I don't know. Vanilla extract! Not many people talk about it, so I thought... I thought I'd be the first? / Narrator: EARLIER: / Off-panel (whisper): t-rex, i am a talking bottle of vanilla extract / T-Rex: That's a little weird, but okay! / Off-panel (whisper): can you tell people about me though
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=628
how many songs are there where they rhyme 'school' with 'golden rule'? lots? T-Rex: Ah, the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you! / T-Rex: Pretty crazy! / T-Rex: Following this rule, I could feed my vegetarian friends delicious steak sandwiches, because that's what I'd like, Mmm-mmm delicious! / Dromiceiomimus: Well, no, T-Rex, because you probably wouldn't want to be fed something you didn't like. / T-Rex: Aha, so much for the golden rule! There's a lot of other awesome variants anyway. / Utahraptor: Wait - are you really abandoning the ethic of reciprocity? / T-Rex: APPARENTLY, dude! / T-Rex: Now I'm all about "Do unto others AS they do unto you". Notice the lack of a "would have". Actually, NOW I'm all about "do unto others before they do unto you." No wait! "Do unto others at the same time as they are doing unto you". That one is about doing things together with friends, I think! / T-Rex: I notice you are leaving! Could my conversational stylings be partially to blame??
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=629
 
research for this comic included visiting websites with the word 'astro-NOT' used over and over again. T-Rex: You know what makes me irrationally angry? It's people who say the moon landing was faked! / T-Rex: ARGH! I am getting angry just thinking about it! / Dromiceiomimus: It's not like you to respond so emotionally to something like this, T-Rex! Why don't you just respond to their points and disprove their claims? / T-Rex: Because it feels useless! Because most of these people just want to take on of the most transcendental achievements of our time and belittle it any way they can. They're not interested in facts! / Utahraptor: Whoah, so instead of attacking the position, we attack the person? / T-Rex: No! Well, yes! / T-Rex: I don't know! It's just that we're in a special place in history now, where it still matters that we've been to the moon. Once moon travel becomes routine people won't care so much, but right now, the landings are unique. They're still special. / Utahraptor: How's that? You've been to the moon like two times yourself! / T-Rex: Man, I don't count! I was talking about OFFICIAL visits to the moon. Mine were in a strictly unofficial capacity. / T-Rex: You have my assurances!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=630
hardcore wasting time is like softcore wasting time, but with more clinical close ups on people blinking Narrator: JOKES EXPLAINED PRESENTS: "CONFUCIUS SAY" / T-Rex: This vaguely-racist form of comedy relies upon the double-entendre! It narrates the advice of a man called "Confucius" who delivers many a "bon mot". / T-Rex: For example: "Confucius say... man who run in front of car get tired!" / T-Rex: Ho ho! Did you catch the comedy there? There are two meanings in that phrase! If you don't get it, don't worry - the key to emulating understanding is often just to repeat the last word or phrase. Fake a laugh, say "Hah! TIRED." and you will be SET. / Utahraptor: Was there a real-life Confucius, T-Rex, or is he merely a convenient fictional device? / T-Rex: Well! / T-Rex: As you know, there was in fact a real Confucius. He lived in the 5th century in Ancient China (then called "China") and was and is an incredibly well-respected philosopher! / Utahraptor: Indeed! / T-Rex: So yea, you've got to be careful, because the real Confucius said many non-hilarious things. / T-Rex: Phrases like "they who know the truth are not equal to those who love it" are not meant to be laughed at! SO DON'T EVEN TRY. / T-Rex: To conclude, I hope people needed this joke explained, because otherwise I've been hardcore wasting my time today!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=631
i imagine there's a waiting list of some design T-Rex: Some larger cities are plagued by advertising trucks: trucks paid to just drive around in the downtown core with giant advertising placards mounted on the back. The hell? I disagree with this in the strongest way possible! / T-Rex: And generally I'm a seriously easy-going dude! / T-Rex: They're just so WRONG. They're causing unnecessary pollution in an area that already probably has problems with air quality, PLUS, they're congesting the road and making our cities more corporate and less beautiful. They're ugly, and the whole idea is self-centered, and thoughtless, and the worst kind of capitalism. / Utahraptor: Oh man, those ad trucks piss ME off too! / T-Rex: Really? You don't think I'm going overboard? / Utahraptor: Not at all! It's aggressive advertising that intrudes on our public spaces, and since it adds to congestion on the roads, ACTUALLY MAKES PEOPLE'S LIVES QUANTIFIABLY WORSE. The time lost stuck behind an ad truck can be traced directly to some jerk who thought his message was more important than minutes from your LIFE. / God: SERIOUSLY GUYS I HATE THOSE AD TRUCKS TOO / T-Res: Then why don't you do anything about it? / God: I HAVE MAN / God: ANYONE WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ONE OF THEM ENDS UP BEING REINCARNATED AS THE UGLIEST POO BUG IN THE WORLD / God: ZING
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=632
how to be jawesome T-Rex: I've written a draft of a new book! The book is called, "How To Be Awesome". / T-Rex: I know! It's totally the book I was meant to write! / T-Rex: In the book, I tell people that the key to being awesome is to do awesome things at awesome times. / Dromiceiomimus: You know T-Rex, you sure are using the word 'awesome' a lot. Is your vocabulary really that limited? / T-Rex: You're right! I'm not certain if overusing 'awesome' is, in fact, awesome. I'll cut it out for a bit while I consider the issue! / Utahraptor: So wait, I missed it - what's your new book about? / T-Rex: Um... it's called - "How to Be"? / T-Rex: And in the book, I tell people that the key to being is to do things at times. / T-Rex: Hey. It'll rule. / Narrator: "HOW TO BE" FAILS TO RULE IN AT LEAST FOUR DIFFERENT WAYS: / T-Rex: I now realize that replacing 'awesome' with a semantically similar word, rather than dropping it entirely, would have been a more viable course of action. / T-Rex: Live and learn, bitches!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=633
documentary films T-Rex: My stars, do I ever love documentary films. The best form of filmmaking? / T-Rex: As I see it, yes! / T-Rex: What I've come to love is the tension between filmmaker and subject, the way editing can so easily be used to slip the filmmaker's politics into the film. The veneer of realism, the claim of legitimacy - ooh! It's all so GOOD. There's politics in every film, sure, but only documentary makes the claim of truth, and it's THAT claim that makes it all so interesting. / Utahraptor: You're still on about documentary film? / T-Rex: Dude! It's SO GOOD. / T-Rex: My favourite are the extended takes, where you ask your subject a question, they answer it, and then you hold the camera on them for a good ten seconds afterwards while they glance around and look ridiculous. / Utahraptor: It is a great way to subtly undermine your subject without saying a word. / T-Rex: Yep. T-That's what I think! / T-Rex: I- / T-Rex: Um.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=634
 

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