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we'll always have batman T-Rex: I am a guy who really likes Batman. And it occurs to me: at some point in my life I'm going to be an old man! / T-Rex: I'm going to be an old man who really likes Batman! / T-Rex: It's gonna be so awesome. Am I to imagine that one day I somehow WON'T be interested in figthin' crime, punchin' dudes, and saying things like "I AM THE NIGHT"? Of course not! When I'm old I'll be sitting on a rocking chair next to the other old men, arguing about whether it's Batman or Bruce Wayne that's the real mask. CLEARLY BRUCE IS THE MASK. / Utahraptor: It sounds like this comforts you! / T-Rex: Oh, it totally does. / T-Rex: I have NO IDEA where I'll be or what I'll be doing in fifty years but when I picture myself talking about Batman everything falls into place. I'll always have that, you know? No matter what happens, I'll always be able to argue about Batman. / Utahraptor: Even if you were paralyzed and couldn't communicate? / T-Rex: Utahraptor, please! For every Batman argument that comes out of my mouth there's like eighty of them that go on in my head.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1543
T-REX YOU HAVE MADE OUT WITH PRETTY MUCH EVERY VISIBLE CHARACTER IN THIS COMIC; YOU'RE LUCKY THERE'S A FOURTH WALL BETWEEN US RIGHT NOW God: T-REX DID YOU HEAR ARCHIE IS GETTING MARRIED / T-Rex: Perennial teen Archie Andres of Riverdale, USE?! To whom? / God: VERONICA LODGE / T-Rex: Oh, poor Veronica! / Dromiceiomimus: You'd rather she marry - well, who, Jughead? / T-Rex: Man, I'd rather she expand her horizons beyond the ten NON-BACKGROUND characters in Riverdale. Her dating options there are, in their entireity: Archie, Moose, Dilton, Chuck, Reggie, and Jughead. That's it! PROBABLY SHE CAN DO BETTER. Maybe she should chat up Background Teen In Green Shirt once in a while, you know? / Utahraptor: That's like complaining when Princess Leia falls for Han Solo! / T-Rex: Yes! / T-Rex: And that is a valid complaint! I hate it when fictional universes are SO CLAUSTROPHOBIC that everyone's hanging out in the same swimming pool. / Utahraptor: Huh? / T-Rex: Okay that's a metaphor, but just BARELY. It's basically a literal description of what's going on. / T-Rex: Only so many characters can splash around in a swimming pool at the same time. And they keep bumping into each other! / T-Rex: Man! If there's a better two-sentence summary of BOTH Star Wars and Archie comics, I don't want to hear it!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1544
this comic started with "who will be the first person to be murdered in space? it could still be you!" which i posted to twitter, and then thought, man, someone should write a comic about that T-Rex: You know what hasn't happened in space yet? Friggin' murder! Nobody's been murdered in space yet! / T-Rex: Guys! This means I still have a chance! / Dromiceiomimus: You want to be the first murderer in space? / T-Rex: No, man! That's a sucky way to go down in history. But as the first MURDEREE in space, going out as a floating corpse in Zero G: that's something! And it's totally easy. All I need to do is convince some spaceman, when the time comes, to murder me! / Utahraptor: Is it murder if you're literally asking for it? / T-Rex: That's for the courts to decide, my friend! / T-Rex: Listen, bottom line: when my time on this planet is just about up, I'm going up into space and you're going to murder me, okay? Surprise me with a knife! / Utahraptor: I - / T-Rex: for the sake of history, Utahraptor!! / T-Rex: I can already see the headline: "The First Dude Murdered In Space!" / Utahraptor: At the very least, "The First Dude Murdered In Space By His Friend, who Is Now Going To Jail!" / T-Rex: At the very least!!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1545
i once dreamed that i cheated on my girlfriend and woke up feeling AWFUL. it wasn't until i was in the shower that i actually remembered it was all a dream! the sense of relief was palpable; it was so great that i kinda wish i had dreams like this more T-Rex: Last night I dreamt I had been invited to a fancy party, far away, and the host was nice enough to buy me a plane ticket to get there. / T-Rex: Finally, things were looking up for dream T-rex! / T-Rex: This was at noon, dream time, and the plane was to leave at six. I made myself a sandwich, but it must've taken a while, because when I looked at the clock, it was 6:30 already! I'd missed my flight AND party entirely, and my friends all chastised me for being so dumb. "Why didn't you leave at least two hours for check in with an international flight?" they said! / Utahraptor: So you dreamed about being cussed out? / T-Rex: Yeah, it was great! / T-Rex: I remember saying "OBVIOUSLY it was a dumb mistake, guys. It'll never happen again; now I know to always leave plenty of time to get to the airport!" / Utahraptor: And when you woke up you remembered that moral! / T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: I'm now learning life lessons WHILE I SLEEP, Utahraptor. I'm pretty sure I've moved on to the next stage of existence. I'm pretty sure when I wake up tomorrow, I'll be a being of PURE ENERGY. I'm pretty sure I'll come back and visit though, so no worries!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1546
sometimes a bunch of us get together and call ourselves "the smiletime gang" and this summer we all awarded each other medals that say "#1 Friend"! SORRY EVERYONE, MEMBERSHIP TO OUR AWESOME GANG IS BY INVITATION ONLY T-Rex: Medal stores will totally sell you whatever medal you ask for! / T-Rex: ! / T-Rex: I - why are people competing for first prize in a track meet when they can go out and buy a bigger trophy that says "ACTUAL FIRST PRIZE IN THE TRACK MEET: WAY BETTER THAN THAT OTHER GUY"? / Dromiceiomimus: Probably for the fun of sport, T-Rex! The goal isn't actually the trophy. / T-Rex: Then I'm sure nobody will mind when I'm at the awards ceremony, making a big deal of my way more awesome prize! / Utahraptor: There's a way we can turn this realization of yours into something more positive, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Oh? / Utahraptor: Yeah, what if instead of ruining track and field ceremonies, we bought awards for each other? Yours could say something like "SASSIEST DUDE" - / T-Rex: And yours could say "CHUMLY PAL"! Oh my gosh, YES. Let's award each other medals! / Narrator: LATER: / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, thanks for the award, but I'm not wearing a gold medal that says "DROMICEIOMIMUS: THE CLASSY DAME WITH THE SIX-SYLLABLE NAME". / T-Rex: I understand, Dromiceiomimus! / T-Rex: I didn't know they'd be engraving it live
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1547
sometimes a bunch of us get together and call ourselves "the smiletime gang" and this summer we all awarded each other medals that say "#1 Friend"! SORRY EVERYONE, MEMBERSHIP TO OUR AWESOME GANG IS BY INVITATION ONLY T-Rex: Medal stores will totally sell you whatever medal you ask for! / T-Rex: ! / T-Rex: I - why are people competing for first prize in a track meet when they can go out and buy a bigger trophy that says "ACTUAL FIRST PRIZE IN THE TRACK MEET: WAY BETTER THAN THAT OTHER GUY"? / Dromiceiomimus: Probably for the fun of sport, T-Rex! The goal isn't actually the trophy. / T-Rex: Then I'm sure nobody will mind when I'm at the awards ceremony, making a big deal of my way more awesome prize! / Utahraptor: There's a way we can turn this realization of yours into something more positive, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Oh? / Utahraptor: Yeah, what if instead of ruining track and field ceremonies, we bought awards for each other? Yours could say something like "SASSIEST DUDE" - / T-Rex: And yours could say "CHUMLY PAL"! Oh my gosh, YES. Let's award each other medals! / Narrator: LATER: / Dromiceiomimus: T-Rex, thanks for the award, but I'm not wearing a gold medal that says "DROMICEIOMIMUS: THE CLASSY DAME WITH THE SIX-SYLLABLE NAME". / T-Rex: I understand, Dromiceiomimus! / T-Rex: I didn't know they'd be engraving it live
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1547
 
the history here is taken from "the secret life of words", by henry hitchings, wherein "arse ropes" are described (tautologically) as "delightfully graphic"! T-Rex: In the 1300's, the regular chicks and dudes in England were speaking what we'd call "Middle English", a rapidly developing alternative to the Latin and French used in religion and government. / T-Rex: It was an exciting time to be saying "Forsooth"! / T-Rex: And some of these dudes were big into English being developed as a "real" language, particularly one John Wycliffe, who decided to translate the Bible - one of, if not THE most important book of his time - into casual English. This would allow John's less educated countrymen to read it since, as it'd been written in Latin since the 5th century, currently required either formal education or a priest to interpret it for you! / T-Rex: But when they started translating, they ran onto some problems! / Utahraptor: Papal Resistance? / T-Rex: That, but also a lot of English words they needed didn't exist yet! So John invented them, and we still use his "behemoth", "puberty", and "zeal". But he also needed a word for intestines", and the phrase he came up with - FOR THE BIBLE, I REMIND YOU - was "arse ropes". / Utahraptor: Hilarious! / T-Rex: And that brings us to today’s Proof We’re Not Living In The Best of All Possible Worlds! / [[In a Scroll]]: "Doctors never talk about inflammation of the arse ropes"
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1548
i did a google search for "Walter Theodore Freemont", hoping he'd be a billionaire industrialist from centuries past, but thus far it seems no parents in history have seen it fit to give their child such a name, or at least give them the name an T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for revenge! / T-Rex: REVENGING MYSELF UPON MY ENEMIES, THAT IS! / T-Rex: Specifically, revenging myself upon my enemies by finding out what their full names are, and then popularizing an insulting or embarrassing acronym that uses those initials. / Dromiceiomimus: Huh? / T-Rex: Like WTF! If I had an enemy named "Walter Theodore Freemont" I could invent WTF and then he'd be annoyed. / Utahraptor: But WTF is already an invented acronym. / T-Rex: I know! It was an example, GEEZ. / T-Rex: I'm going to invent a NEW acronym that goes along with some enemy's initials, then ensure it gets super popular! Revenge: COMPLETED. / Utahraptor: It seems like it'd be way easier to just make enemies with one W.T. Freemont that to try to direct the acronymic course of an entire language! IMHO. / T-Rex: Oh my God, people who say "IMHO" in real life are just - Utahraptor? I am having trouble dealing with our friendship at the moment.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1549
my friends, i just had an imagination that demands my full attention T-Rex: Yesterday I saw one of those mugs with a super cute drawing of a bear on it with the text "Good friends make life BEARABLE." Adorable! / T-Rex: Only I didn't immediately notice the bear! / T-Rex: And the "BEAR" part of "BEARable" wasn't capitalized. So my impression was simply of a mug with black text stating "Good friends make life bearable". It was this amazing mug of depression, a mug that broadcast to all who can read that life is pain, nothing but pain, that life will kill you and that only good friends can make it even briefly sustainable. / Utahraptor: Let's sell them! / T-Rex: I know, right? / T-Rex: People are done with mugs that say cute things like "I Hate Mondays" or "World's Best Dad". We want realist mugs! Mugs that say things like "Maybe Mondays Aren't The Problem; Maybe I'm The Problem." / Utahraptor: "I've Realized: Other Dads Are Almost Certainly Better." / Utahraptor: Oh man! Can you imagine a secretary drinking coffee out of an "Is This All There Is?" mug? / T-Rex: I can! / [[T-Rex imagines tiny Batman head on left talking to tiny Spider-man head on right]] / Batman: You can be my new roommate, Spider-man. I GUESS. / Spider-man: WOOOO! / T-Rex: ...LATER.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1550
it is built-in protection against sexiness inflation, a strong statement against the growing trend of elevens on tens. T-Rex: Man, Dromiceiomimus has been looking fantastic lately! I would DEFINITELY rate her current attractiveness as AT LEAST a nine point five on ten!! / T-Rex: I- / [[T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus look at each other awkwardly]] / Utahraptor: Hah! This is what you get for thinking out loud, my friend! / T-Rex: Man! / T-Rex: I should've went with it when I saw her; stopping in mid-sentence just admits guilt. I should've said, "That's right, Dromiceiomimus! YOU HAVE BEEN LOOKING GREAT LATELY." / Utahraptor: Except you didn't rate her a perfect ten. / T-Rex: Only because I always reserve point five for emergencies!! / Narrator: A HYPOTHETICAL EXAMPLE OF AN EMERGENCY: / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you're a perfect 9.5 on 10! / Dromiceiomimus: But what if I... dressed up like a flapper, and said "Here's the news?" / T-Rex: That's a perfect ten and luckily I reserved some extra points for this scenario, listen I gotta go lie down.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1551
it is built-in protection against sexiness inflation, a strong statement against the growing trend of elevens on tens. T-Rex: Man, Dromiceiomimus has been looking fantastic lately! I would DEFINITELY rate her current attractiveness as AT LEAST a nine point five on ten!! / T-Rex: I- / [[T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus look at each other awkwardly]] / Utahraptor: Hah! This is what you get for thinking out loud, my friend! / T-Rex: Man! / T-Rex: I should've went with it when I saw her; stopping in mid-sentence just admits guilt. I should've said, "That's right, Dromiceiomimus! YOU HAVE BEEN LOOKING GREAT LATELY." / Utahraptor: Except you didn't rate her a perfect ten. / T-Rex: Only because I always reserve point five for emergencies!! / Narrator: A HYPOTHETICAL EXAMPLE OF AN EMERGENCY: / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, you're a perfect 9.5 on 10! / Dromiceiomimus: But what if I... dressed up like a flapper, and said "Here's the news?" / T-Rex: That's a perfect ten and luckily I reserved some extra points for this scenario, listen I gotta go lie down.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1551
we do the best with what we have T-Rex: Man, I totally missed out on my window for skydiving. I should've done it when I was younger! / T-Rex: I had WAY less to lose then! / Dromiceiomimus: What do you mean, T-Rex? A catastrophic dive in either case and you're still dead. / T-Rex: True, but if I die at, say, 50, that's 50 years of accumulated experience, knowledge and responsibility that die with me! But if I die at 16 then all the world loses is one wacky teen and one handful of pages of wacky teen fan fiction. / Utahraptor: But at 16 you had way more potential than you would at 50! / T-Rex: Ouch! / Utahraptor: At 16 you've got the potential for both you at 50 and the potential for trillions of alternate future and alternate yous, possibilities which are trimmed each instant you're alive. At 50 you've already exhausted tons of your options! / T-Rex: .... Interesting. / T-Rex: You know, life's funny, Utahraptor. I woke up this morning convinced that it would be better to die in a skydiving accident at 16 than at 50. Now I don't know what to believe! / Utahraptor: That's funny? / T-Rex: Actually I guess not
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1552
 
I call my tale, "I Stapled An Introductory Page To The Front, And A Concluding Page To The Back, Of A Curtain Catalogue". T-Rex: Most detective stories reveal clues to the reader as they progress through the book, allowing them to unravel the mystery with the characters, and, if they're good, figure out the mystery before the detective does! / T-Rex: Not my detective story, you guys!! / T-Rex: My detective doesn't show all the clues to the reader! He's always detecting stuff that the reader doesn't know and can't know, and at the end when he figures out the mastery, he arrests the murderer for reasons that we aren't privy to and that no careful reading of the text will ever reveal. / T-Rex: The end! / Utahraptor: Sounds pretty boring AND frustrating, T-Rex! / T-Rex: It's not! I added in some NARRATIVE TENSION too! / T-Rex: AS the story progresses, the narrator increasingly gives up on mystery ever being solved, and instead of describing the actions of the detective, indulges his interest in interior decoration and describes the curtains on the wall. / Utahraptor: Riveting! / T-Rex: It is! / T-Rex: I call my tale, "The Stabby Murderer Who Got Detected, Or, Wow Will You Look At These Curtains?" / T-Rex: Man, they say to write what you know, but I think they're just jealous of my awesome imagination!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1553
I call my tale, "I Stapled An Introductory Page To The Front, And A Concluding Page To The Back, Of A Curtain Catalogue". T-Rex: Most detective stories reveal clues to the reader as they progress through the book, allowing them to unravel the mystery with the characters, and, if they're good, figure out the mystery before the detective does! / T-Rex: Not my detective story, you guys!! / T-Rex: My detective doesn't show all the clues to the reader! He's always detecting stuff that the reader doesn't know and can't know, and at the end when he figures out the mastery, he arrests the murderer for reasons that we aren't privy to and that no careful reading of the text will ever reveal. / T-Rex: The end! / Utahraptor: Sounds pretty boring AND frustrating, T-Rex! / T-Rex: It's not! I added in some NARRATIVE TENSION too! / T-Rex: AS the story progresses, the narrator increasingly gives up on mystery ever being solved, and instead of describing the actions of the detective, indulges his interest in interior decoration and describes the curtains on the wall. / Utahraptor: Riveting! / T-Rex: It is! / T-Rex: I call my tale, "The Stabby Murderer Who Got Detected, Or, Wow Will You Look At These Curtains?" / T-Rex: Man, they say to write what you know, but I think they're just jealous of my awesome imagination!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1553
maybe it's a good idea that animals don't live forever. rhetorical animals, i mean! like me and my human friends! T-Rex: Maybe it's a good idea that people don't live forever. Rhetorical people, I mean! / T-Rex: Like me and my dinosaur friends! / T-Rex: If everyone lived forever, then there'd still be folks alive today who feel PERSONALLY AGGRIEVED by the ancient Koban culture, or who hold true to their born belief that the Earth rightfully belongs to, I dunno - the Visigoths? We'd never get anything done because we'd all be bickering over ancient wrongs, real or imagined. If we can't forgive, death at least gives us the option to forget! / Utahraptor: T-Rex: coming out strongly in favour of death? / T-Rex: Apparently!! / T-Rex: Obviously I'd rather have an alive grandparent than a dead one, but I can see the advantage at the societal level in not having folks with mores thousands of years out of date still rinning around! / Utahraptor: I suppose 3000 years ago there were people who DID hate the Kobans! / T-Rex: Exactly! And now they're all dead, and the Kobans are dead, and we can all go through life without dealing with their irrelevant racism. / T-Rex: Progress! Progress through everybody dying anf their kids eventually not caring who their parents hated!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1554
a more accurate line would be "Well-established trails for riding a horse along? Where we're going, we don't need... well-established trails for riding a horse along."; either will be enough to concede the point. T-Rex: How come there wasn't science fiction a thousand years ago? I gotta say... / T-Rex: The serfs certainly dropped the ball on that one! / T-Rex: It's weird, isn't it, Dromiceiomimus? I don't see any reason why past dudes couldn't have written stories about what life would be like down the road. Why couldn't they have imagined horses that, when ridden fast enough, travelled back through time and allowed you to sass up your parents? / Dromiceiomimus: Maybe they were too busy trying to survive? / Utahraptor: Or maybe you're just being narrow in your definition of science fiction! / T-Rex: Explain! / Utahraptor: Okay, well, nobody was talking about flying cars, sure, but people did conceptualize Pegasus, and that's a friggin' flying horse. Horses being the cars of olden times, remember? Just because Peggy didn't have a scientific underpinning doesn't mean he wasn't the result of people imagining better technologies! / T-Rex: Okay, that's a good point. However! I will not concede until at least ONE ancient manuscript is uncovered that includes the line "Hay? where we're going, we don't need... hay." And then the horseman has to flip down the visor of his armour, okay?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1555
the red spiders are colonizing outside of their native reality T-Rex: Yep! / T-Rex: Pretty sure I just ate some spider eggs!! / T-Rex: There were gross red egg-sac things at the bottom of my drink, Dromiceiomimus! And I thought "Gross" and then I said "At least I didn't consume any of them though!" and then I forgot about how you should never say things like that because then I found some sacs stuck between my teeth too. / Dromiceiomimus: Gross! / T-Rex: I KNOW / Utahraptor: You can either be optimistic or pessimistic about this, T-Rex! / T-Rex: Today, my friend, I choose pessimism! / T-Rex: Maybe THESE are the spiders who thrive on stomach acid! Maybe in a week I'll be vomiting up millions of tiny red spiders, over and over again. And maybe that won't be enough, and the rest will eat their way out, tunneling through my stomach, muscles, and finally, skin. / Utahraptor: Gah! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: Pessimists say that by expecting the worst, they're pleasantly surprised when things don't go that badly! I thought I'd give it a try, but honestly... / T-Rex: I don't think pessimists are imagining hard enough
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1556
A.F.S. said the only reason life is APPARENTLY thriving is because nature doesn't want the death of an individual to end things forever. With enough life running around and eating other life, you can have tons more misery to go around AND avoid the dange T-Rex: Man, speaking of pessimism, you know who's pessimistic? / T-Rex: Arthur Friggin' Schopenhauer! / T-Rex: Not only did A.F.S. not believe that this is the best of all possible worlds, he supplied a proof that this is, in fact, the WORST of all possible worlds! First he assumed that the worst possible world would be sustainable, since if it ended, nobody would be around to suffer. Prolonged suffering across millenia beats instant death! / Dromiceiomimus: Clearly! / T-Rex: CLEARLY. / T-Rex: Then he observed that our world is good enough to support life, but just barely! / Utahraptor: Life's everywhere, man! / T-Rex: Sure, but one small shift in orbit, a slight change in temperature, and it's a catastrophe on a global scale. There's no wiggle room; if our fragile world was only a little worse there would be no life on it at all! / Utahraptor: Therefore ours is the worst of all possible worlds? / T-Rex: Yep! Because any worse and it wouldn't be a world, it would just be an empty planet without suffering, and nature ABHORS an empty planet without suffering. / T-Rex: Anyway! / T-Rex: I believe it was after this proof that A.F.S. added the "Friggin'" to his name!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1557
 
based on the time i stubbed my baby toe and it broke and my FRIEND pat who is supposed to be my FRIEND did NOTHING Narrator: LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS / Narrator: today's technique: LEITWORTSTIL / T-Rex: Today is a good day I think for leitwortstil! / T-Rex: Leitwortstil is the purposeful repetition of words or phrases in a story, you guys! / T-Rex: For example, a dog might always be described as "that wacky jerk" in a story, to underline what a wacky jerk that dog turned out to be. Or in a collection of stories, the same phrase might appear in each story, which helps tie them together as a whole! Leitwortstil ALSO happens when a character says the same word over and over and over again. / Utahraptor: You mean like a catch phrase? / T-Rex: Sure! / Utahraptor: I'm not sure that counts as leitwortstil, does it? If it's just someone saying "Gee golly jeepers!", and there's no theme or motif associated with it - then it's just there for laughs, isn't it? / T-Rex: My friend, I believe you are unfortunately TOTES WRONG on this one! / Narrator: MEANWHILE IN TUDOR ENGLAND / T-Rex: I stubbed my toe! Frig frig frig frig frig! ...Hey, Shakespeare! I just leitwortstiled "frig"! / Shakespeare: t-rex i am from when "rowboat" could be spelled "rhowbhoatte" and even i don't think that's a word / T-Rex: ...I think it's broken!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1558
followers of my @ryanqnorth twitter account will realize that t-rex's creepy raccoon neighbours have broken out of fiction and are now pooping all over my deck. man, raccoons in toronto need to pay more attention to what they're eating, that's all i'll s T-Rex: I'm not afraid to admit it: I've nurtured some talents and have become particularly good at certain things. / T-Rex: For example: stomping on things! / T-Rex: I am really good at stomping on things. Years of practice have enabled me to put my foot above an object, shift my weight to the foot with force, and thus compress whatever is beneath my foot. And should I see someone struggling with stomping, something SO HARD for them and yet so easy for me, I would gladly help them out! / Utahraptor: Assuming they want it, of course. / T-Rex: Of course! / T-Rex: And you agree that this is the right thing for me to do, assuming nobody is hurt through the stomping. / Utahraptor: Absolutely. / T-Rex: ... / Utahraptor: But I'm STILL not cleaning raccoon poop off your porch, T-Rex! / T-Rex: UTAHRAPTOR we just LOGICALLY PROVED that if raccoon poop makes me puke and you can handle it fine, then you should be the one cleaning it!! / T-Rex: Please, Utahraptor, I- / T-Rex: I can't handle the fact that my neighbours are poopy raccoons
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1559
ironically, in panel 2 when t-rex said "that's right, i said it!", referring to the idea that some people's true selves are total chumps, he had not ACTUALLY said it, merely implied it. i guess this really just goes to show you that irony can be super bo T-Rex: People who say "Always be true to yourself" fail to consider that there are completely unrepentant murderers. / T-Rex: That's right, I said it! Some people's true selves are total chumps! / T-Rex: I would like it if the chumpified chicks and dudes were true to other selves, please. / T-Rex: There's lots of good ones. / T-Rex: ...Batman's an obvious choice. / Utahraptor: Shakespeare wrote it, didn't he? "To thine own self be true"? / T-Rex: Sure! / T-Rex: But Shakespeare wrote it for a CHARACTER, which doesn't mean that he personally believed it. You can write a story about a mad scientist and not actually want to wear retro aviator goggles all the time. / Utahraptor: You can? / T-Rex: I mean, the RHETORICAL "you" can. / T-Rex: *sigh*
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1560
can we make a single raised eyebrow sound louder, can science help us there or something T-Rex: Time for some new punctuation marks, bitches!! / T-Rex: And double exclamation marks don't count, bitches!! / Dromiceiomimus: I thought we'd agreed - on your urging, actually - that we'd all be saying "bitches" less. / T-Rex: That's right, britches!! / Dromiceiomimus: See, that's still basically "bitches". / T-Rex: I concede the point easily, backstitches!! / Utahraptor: So, new punctuation marks? / T-Rex: Yes! New punctuation marks! / T-Rex: Okay, so I want one that conveys all the sass of saying "x, bitches!!" without the casual cussing and for any value of x. I want punctuation that when read causes all readers - regardless of who or when they are - to whisper a frank and awed "oh snap!" / Utahraptor: So invent it and convince everyone it's a good idea! / T-Rex: Utahraptor, were you using my new punctuation there? Did you mean to convey "Convince everyone it's a good idea, bitches!!"? / Utahraptor (from outside the panel): Nope! / T-Rex: Okay! / T-Rex: It's just - I don't really know what it sounds like yet
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1561
at least they're still talking about you, that's something T-Rex: Maslow was a dude who put all of our needs and desires into a hierarchy! The whole idea was that you can't satisfy any desire at the top of the hierarchy until you satisfy those beneath it. / T-Rex: Nice going, Maslow! / T-Rex: At the top is SELF ACTUALIZATION, which sounds pretty great, right? Except you can't get there unless you've already satisfied the level beneath it, which is esteem. And you don't get esteem - both self and from others - without relationships, and you don't worry about friggin' relationships until your basic safety needs are met. And finally, you don't worry about basic safety if you need to poop! / Utahraptor: "You don't worry about basic safety if you need to poop." / T-Rex: Maslow said it, not me! / T-Rex: Well, he said the gist of it. / Utahraptor: He did, did he? / T-Rex: Okay, no, but he DID come up with the theoretical framework that allows a phrase such as mine to be reasonably constructed in a meaningful context. / T-Rex: Don't look at me like that, Utahraptor! If my life's work is only used by some guy decades down the line to crack wise about poopin', I'll count myself as one lucky dude with one awesome legacy. / T-Rex: I set 'em up, future generations knock 'em down!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1562
 
utahraptor: the kind of guy who will sometimes fantasize about gift shoes being delivered before biting the bullet and going out to buy actual shoes T-Rex, from within a thought cloud: Today is the day I give Dromiceiomimus the nice book I bought for her! / T-Rex, from within a thought cloud: Yes! I am the thoughtful friend who buys presents for no reason! / [[The owner of the thought cloud is revealed to be Dromiceiomimus]] / T-Rex, from within a thought cloud: And even though sometimes I talk so much that I don't let her get a word in edgewise, I'm still happy to give her the book I got, called "I'll Talk Less And Listen More: A Book To Give A Friend Who Is Pretty Okay, More Than Pretty Okay, Even!" / Dromiceiomimus: *sigh* / T-Rex, from within a thought cloud: Utahraptor, I bought you some shoes! / Utahraptor, from within a thought cloud: Really? Wow! What size? / [[The owner of the thought cloud is revealed to be Utahraptor]] / T-Rex, from within a thought cloud: I asked for size AWESOME! ...And then I clarified that down to a size large. Here you go, my friend! Thanks for being so great! / Utahraptor: *sigh* / Batman, from within T-Rex's thought cloud: The thing is, if I were real, I think we both know that I'd never have the time to hang out with a NON crime-fighting dinosaur. / T-Rex: ... / T-Rex: *sigh*
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1563
dollar auctions were invented by martin shubik, okay, so listen, mr. shubik, i like your name T-Rex: Dollars for sale! DOLLARS FOR SALE! / T-Rex: Dollars for sale, you guys! / T-Rex: Dollars for sale in an auction where everyone pays their highest bid, whether or not they win! / T-Rex: So when you bid 1 cent, Dromiceiomimus - FOR A PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE DOLLAR - you'll be getting a great deal and you'll make a profit of 99 cents! But watch out, because if Utahraptor outbids you with 2 cents, then you could lose your penny! Remember you have to pay your high bid either way. / Dromiceiomimus: So it's in my interest to outbid him with 3 cents: that way I can at least make a profit of 97 cents! / Utahraptor: But then I'll just outbid her with the exact same motivation! / T-Rex: True! / Utahraptor: But then - if Dromiceiomimus bids 98 cents, I'll bid 99. Then she has to decide whether to bid $1: if she doesn't, she loses 98 cents, but if she does, she'll break even. So she does, and I'm left with the choice of either losing my 99 cents, or of bidding $1.01 and then only losing 1 cent. / Utahraptor: So I bid more than the dollar is worth, just to minimize my losses! And it keeps on going, and we both end up bankrupt! This is the worst ever auction, and I'm not bidding. / T-Rex: Would you say... "The only winning move is not to play?" / Utahraptor: No, I think that movie's been referenced enough lately
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1564
utahraptor's hoping maybe t-rex got one of the old standby messages people say they get from god: "your religion is definitely the right one", "you personally are super special", "hey, maybe you should be out murderin' people right now", that sort of thin GOD: T-REX GUESS WHAT YOU HAVE TO FILL IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL TODAY / T-REX: Hah! / T-REX: ...What? / GOD: ONLY FOR A FEW HOURS THOUGH OKAY / T-REX: I don't understand! / GOD: WHAT IS NOT TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT THIS YOU'LL BE FILLING IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL SO I NEED YOU TO TALK TO HER FRIENDS ABOUT TEN YEAR OLD GIRL STUFF LIKE I DON'T KNOW PONIES / GOD: WAS THAT SEXIST / GOD: LISTEN I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THAT TO BE SEXIST / T-REX: So - I guess I'm a 10 year old girl now? / UTAHRAPTOR: What? / T-REX: Listen, man: I don't know. God told me I would be filling in for a ten year old girl today, so here I am. / UTAHRAPTOR: You're sure he didn't tell you, I don't know, that you're special? To be excellent to others? / T-REX: Nope! He said "DUDE FILL IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL" / GOD: T-REX I SAID "FILL IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD SQUIRREL" / T-REX: You didn't! Whatever; I heard you clearly. / GOD: OKAY BUY NOW I'M SAYING FILL IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD SQUIRREL. / GOD: IT WILL BE HILARIOUS / GOD: OH MAN / GOD: PROVABLY HILARIOUS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1565
utahraptor's hoping maybe t-rex got one of the old standby messages people say they get from god: "your religion is definitely the right one", "you personally are super special", "hey, maybe you should be out murderin' people right now", that sort of thin GOD: T-REX GUESS WHAT YOU HAVE TO FILL IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL TODAY / T-REX: Hah! / T-REX: ...What? / GOD: ONLY FOR A FEW HOURS THOUGH OKAY / T-REX: I don't understand! / GOD: WHAT IS NOT TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT THIS YOU'LL BE FILLING IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL SO I NEED YOU TO TALK TO HER FRIENDS ABOUT TEN YEAR OLD GIRL STUFF LIKE I DON'T KNOW PONIES / GOD: WAS THAT SEXIST / GOD: LISTEN I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THAT TO BE SEXIST / T-REX: So - I guess I'm a 10 year old girl now? / UTAHRAPTOR: What? / T-REX: Listen, man: I don't know. God told me I would be filling in for a ten year old girl today, so here I am. / UTAHRAPTOR: You're sure he didn't tell you, I don't know, that you're special? To be excellent to others? / T-REX: Nope! He said "DUDE FILL IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL" / GOD: T-REX I SAID "FILL IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD SQUIRREL" / T-REX: You didn't! Whatever; I heard you clearly. / GOD: OKAY BUY NOW I'M SAYING FILL IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD SQUIRREL. / GOD: IT WILL BE HILARIOUS / GOD: OH MAN / GOD: PROVABLY HILARIOUS
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1565
the lava lamp thing wasn't actually that recent, it was in 2004, but it has taken me this long for me to be comfortable talking about it. IT COULD'VE EASILY BEEN ME, LAVA LAMPS TAKE SO FRIGGIN' LONG TO WARM UP T-Rex: You know those guys who die in really stupid, preventable ways that are entirely their fault? I'm pretty sure there's like a billion different timelines where I'M that guy! / Dromiceiomimus (from outside the panel): I'm sure there's not a BILLION of them, T-Rex. / T-Rex: Hah! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, just recently this dude was found dead with shards of glass in his heart! You know what happened? His new lava lamp was taking TOO FRIGGIN' LONG to warm up, so he put it on his stove and heated it, and it got too hot and exploded on him and he died. / Dromiceiomimus: Whoah! That's terrible. / T-Rex: I know! And I'm not the only one who heard that story and thought, "Wow; glad he got the lava lamp before I did." / Utahraptor: A man died, T-Rex! That's not funny! / T-Rex: Utahraptor, I'm not joking! / T-Rex: I truly believe I could've been the one who died. The sort of thing he did is exactly the sort of thing you do when you're home alone and frustrated with a lava lamp! You SOLVE PROBLEMS. / Utahraptor: And sometimes you die. / T-Rex: Yes! But we recognize that one dies so that others may live. / T-Rex: By we, I mean of course the membership of the People Who When They Hear A Story About An Avoidable And Crazy Death, Laugh As Is Expected Of Them And Then Make A Mental Note To Not Do That Thing Anymore. / T-Rex: Our slogan is "Hi, you are probably already a member of our awesome club!"
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1566
this one happened to me too but good thing none of those people i ate with read my comic, huh? A GOOD THING INDEED FOR OL' RYAN T-Rex: Attention everyone! I have some terrible news! / T-Rex: It turns out that we never get good at splitting the bill! / Dromiceiomimus: Aw man, seriously?! We never get that one figured out? / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, I ate dinner with a group of 40-YEAR-OLDS over the weekend. And guess which table was over A THIRD short on the bill? OH HEY, IT WAS OUR TABLE! / T-Rex and Dromiceiomimus: Maaaaaaaaan / Utahraptor: I always thought we'd eventually figure that out! / T-Rex: I know! ME TOO. / T-Rex: But apparently adding up the cost of your items while also including tax and tip remains and UNKNOWABLE DARK MAGICK even at 40. I'm dining tonight to see if it ever gets any better. / Utahraptor: Good luck! / T-Rex: Thanks! / Narrator: THE NEXT DAY: / T-Rex: Utahraptor, the 80-year-olds paid the bill perfectly! / Utahraptor [[from outside the panel]]: Holy crap! / T-Rex: I know! AND they get to be referred to by the mass noun "elderlies"! / T-Rex: TOTALLY looking forward to being an old guy over here!
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1567
 
paleontologists unearthing this comic today, amazed that dinosaurs could write comics about themselves, in english, so less, finally also amazed that they enjoyed such similar tv programmes T-Rex: Today is the day, my friends! Yes! FINALLY. Today is the day! / T-Rex: Today is the day we mess with people who have tattoos! / T-Rex: Dromiceiomimus, did you hear that if you have a bird tattoo, it means that you're big into hugs? Giving, receiving, watching, it's all good to you! / Dromiceiomimus: Really! Why the bird? / T-Rex: It stands for "I will flip the bird RIGHT NOW to anyone who doesn't like hugs; I'm not even joking." / Dromiceiomimus: Interesting! And also true! / Utahraptor: I heard that tattoos with the letter "h" in them... / T-Rex: ...Yes? / Utahraptor: Well, I heard that an "h" in any tattoo is short for "Hey, Ask Me About My Sexual History", and a second "h" on the body is short for "Hey, Some Of It Is Personal Though, Okay?" / T-Rex: And a third "h"? / Utahraptor: "Hooray for the Huxtables." / Narrator: NOTE FOR FUTURE PEOPLE WHO COME ACROSS THIS COMIC: / T-Rex: The Huxtables were a family on a TV show. TV is what we had before we got video in our brains! And everyone who read this comic when it first came out was really great, even if we're all dead now. / T-Rex: ...What's the future like?
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1568
"hey guys so look i had some extra money" - a classic "2 h" tattoo that invites sexual scrutiny while reminding us that there are limits that constrain us God: HEY T-REX YOU KINDA SHOULDN'T TEASE PEOPLE WITH TATTOOS / T-Rex: Huh? / T-Rex: Why not?! / God: WELL IN SOME CULTURES TATTOOS ARE REALLY SIGNIFICANT AND MEAN MORE THAN JUST "HEY GUYS SO LOOK I HAD SOME EXTRA MONEY" / God: I GOT A TATTOO YOU KNOW / T-Rex: You do? / God: YEAH IT'S PRETTY GREAT IT'S A PICTURE OF A HORSE AND UNDERNEATH ARE THE WORDS "NATURE'S DOMINOES" / T-Rex: What the hell?! That was my idea! / Utahraptor: What was your idea? / T-Rex: The idea that horses are nature's dominoes! I had that idea like 5 years ago! GOD TOTALLY STOLE MY IDEA AND GOT IT AS A TATTOO. / Utahraptor: God can get tattoos? / T-Rex: Um, according to some religions, GOD CAN DO ANYTHING?? / T-Rex: Not mine though! In MY religion, God now has to pay me royalties every time anyone sees his tattoo! / God: T-REX IN MY RELIGION YOU HAVE TO STOP COMPLAINING SO MUCH / God: LET ME TELL YOU ALL JOKING ASIDE / God: IT'S THE BEST RELIGION
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1569
there's no extra picture hidden with THIS comic, sorry everyone! T-Rex: Maybe there IS actually a personal benefit to being mortal and dying one day. / T-Rex: I know, IT SOUNDS CRAZY, but stay with me! / T-Rex: We mortal people get an end to pain that immortal dudes never get. Unlike immortal dudes, there's a finite number of times I'm going to stub my toe so hard that it breaks. One time I'll stub my toe and it'll break and I'll be able to say, "There, that's done with. I'm never stubbing my toe THAT friggin' hard again. I can finally put this TOTALLY RIDICULOUS aspect of being alive behind me." - even if I could never know it at the time! / Utahraptor: One time when you say it, you'll have to be right! / T-Rex: Exactly! / T-Rex: So now when something bad happens, I'll assume I'll die soon, so it's the last time it'll ever happen to me. I'll be able to sigh and just let it go. / Utahraptor: "That's the last time I'm puking into my crotch"? / T-Rex: Exactly! I'm not stubbing THESE toes any more! / Narrator: LATER: / T-Rex: FRIG I STUBBED MY TOES AGAIN! / T-Rex: WHAT / T-Rex: IS / T-Rex: THE / T-Rex: DEAL / T-Rex: WITH / T-Rex: STUBBED TOES THAT HURT REALLY BAD
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1570
wikipedia's gamboge article is getting some extra hits today, gamboge fans are having a really great day T-Rex: I am a man who doesn't know a lot of basic things about himself. I barely know what colour my eyes are! / T-Rex: O- Orange? Deep saffron? GAMBOGE? / T-Rex: But there's tons of other stuff I've never bothered to memorize too! What's my blood type? Social insurance number? Hat Size? The thing is, Dromiceiomimus, responding "Yes please" on a questionnaire only works for SOME of these questions. / Dromiceiomimus: So memorize them, T-Rex! You're an adult now. Your hat size isn't going to change. / T-Rex: You know what? She's right! I should memorize these things. / Utahraptor: I agree! / Utahraptor: I can see not knowing them as a child, but if you're going to be an adult, you need to know at least some of this stuff. / T-Rex: Well, I'm going to be an adult, Utahraptor! I'm going to memorize ALL SORTS of useful facts about my body! / Narrator: LATER: T-REX HAS FAILED TO MEMORIZE ANY NEW FACTS ABOUT HIMSELF / T-Rex: Whatever, dudes!! / T-Rex: I decided I wanted life to have some mystery.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1571
so! pretty sure i'm already a dentist, doctor T-Rex: I'm pretty sure I could be an amazing dentist, you guys! / T-Rex: In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm ALREADY an amazing dentist, you guys! / T-Rex: I've got good teeth and it occurs to me that I'M the one who brushes my teeth every day and night. I'm TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE for all the day-to-day oral hygiene that goes on in my awesome mouth! / T-Rex: My dentist is more of a - supervisor, you know? I check in with him once a year and he gives me some pointers. Then, I pay him for the pointers. / Utahraptor: The only reason you can do some of it yourself is that there's a whole dentistry infrastructure supporting you, my friend! / Utahraptor: You buy toothbrushes and toothpaste pre-made, each with thousands of hours of engineering and design put into them and all with the goal of ensuring oral hygiene even when in the hands of an amateur. You're not a dentist, man! You're just some dude who has learnt to press "play" on the VCR of modern dentistry. / Utahraptor: ... / Utahraptor: Analogously. / T-Rex: OHHHHHHHHHH
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1572
 

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