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| #361 - Superbowl Special! | {{comic title= Superbowl Special! }}
/ {{comic number= #361 }} / [[close-up of Dr. Eldritch at his desk]]
/ Dr. Eldritch: I really don't see why they call it the "Superbowl." There are no superpowers involved. / Dr. Eldritch: It should be the "Hyper-Bowl... e." / Dr. Eldritch: It's all marketing! Do they really believe we fall for such transparent manipulation? When you come right down to it... / [[zoom out, reveal desk and bowl with the word "superbowl" written across it]]
/ Dr. Eldritch: It's just a big bowl of soup.
/ Sudbury: Prithee, hush! I watch the game!
/ Dr. Eldritch: What game? / {{ Seriously, doesn't 'hyperbole' look like it should be pronounced 'hyper-bowl'? }} / {{Appearances:}} {{Dr. Eldritch}} {{Sudbury}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic361.html |
| #362 - Sandwiches | {{comic title= Sandwiches }}
/ {{comic number= #362 }} / [[Living Room. Kari reads on the sofy. Trevor disguised with a hat and a fake mustache.]]
/ Trevor: Good day, Miss. I am Trevor's cousin. Perhaps he has called to request that you make me sandwiches?
/ [[*RRRING!*]] / [[Split panel, one panel shows Kari holding a phone, the other shows the basement, where Ping is holding a phone and a cassette recorder.]]
/ Kari Proctor: Hello?
/ Cassette recorder [[with Trevors voice]]: Hi, this is Trevor. Would you please make my cousin some sandwiches? Okay. Thanks. Bye. / Kari [[to the disguised Trevor]]: Nice try. But if you don't want to make them yourself, why don't you just dump all the ingredients in a bowl and eat them that way? / [[Basement]]
/ Trevor: And the best part is, I think she really believed I was my cousin!
/ Ping: Awesome. / {{ If any of you try this, let me know if it works. }} / {{Appearances:}} {{Kari}} {{Trevor}} {{Ping}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic362.html |
| #363 - Outside The Box | {{comic title= Outside The Box }}
/ {{comic number= #363 }} / [[In the kitchen]]
/ Valeria Steele: How's that personals ad been working out?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Bah.
/ Val: That bad?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Yes. Of course, if things ever did advance beyond a first date, we'd have to deal with another set of problems. / Val: What, you got the herpes?
/ Dr. Eldritch: No! My relationships all end the same way. We date for a while, and when things start getting serious, she dies horribly. / Val: You mean... You...?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Oh, no! I'd never! It's always an accident. Or monster. Or assassin. It's probably just bad luck, but women who know my history are reluctant to date me. And it would be wrong not to tell them of the risks involved. / Val: Well, duh. Just do women who have given up all will to live.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Hmmm. They WOULD have low expectations...
/ Val: See, it's perfect! /
/ {{ I guess it's a Win-Win arrangement. }} / {{Appearances:}} {{Dr. Eldritch}} {{Val}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic363.html |
| #364 - Maid of the Valley | {{comic title= Maid of the Valley }}
/ {{comic number= #364 }} / [[ Dr. Eldritch opens the front door. An attractive red-haired women in a maid's uniform stands outside. ]]
/ Helen Alloy [[first appearance]]: Hi, I'm your thank-you gift from Zorbletech. here's the letter of confirmation.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Yes, I've been expecting you! Come in! / Dr. Eldritch: Even though I have an apprentice, it's hard to keep a place this big clean. It's very kind of them to pay for maid service.
/ Helen: Oh, you misunderstand. Your present isn't just service, it's me. I belong to you now.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Belong? You mean I OWN...? / Helen: Don't worry. I'm a housekeeper femdroid, model H07, Beta version.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Fascinating. You look... human.
/ Helen: Thank you. I am designed to be completely lifelike. I even obtained a drivers license.
/ [[ Helen hands Dr. Eldritch her license ]] / Dr. Eldritch: Ha! Your address is "Uncanny Valley, California!"
/ Helen: Yes, but I don't live there anymore. /
/ {{ Some Scientists say that the Uncanny Valley doesn't exist. But I've BEEN THERE. }} /
/ {{Appearances:}} {{Dr. Eldritch}} {{Helen}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic364.html |
| #365 - Maid With No Name | {{Maid With No Name}} / [[Dr. Eldritch and Model Hot Beta interrupt Kari, who dusts the living room cabinet]] / Dr Eldritch (to Kari): GOOD NEWS, BOB! WE NOW HAVE A CYBERNETIC MAID. THIS IS...UM...
/ Helen: HOUSEKEEPER FEMDROID HO7-BETA.
/ Dr. Eldritch: YES, BUT WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
/ Helen: YOU'RE MY NEW OWNER. I'LL TAKE WHATEVER NAME YOU CHOOSE. / Dr. Eldritch: YEAH, WE'LL FIGURE THAT OUT LATER.
/ Kari: SO I DON'T CLEAN ANYMORE, RIGHT?
/ Dr. Eldritch: OF COURSE NOT. SHE WILL HANDLE THE BASICS, AND YOU'RE PROMOTED TO ADVANCED CLEANING TASKS.
/ Helen: IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU, MISS BOB. / Kari: CALL ME KARI.
/ Helen: AS YOU WISH, MISS KARI.
/ Kari: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GO ON A RAMPAGE AND TRY TO KILL US ALL, ARE YOU?
/ Helen: OH NO! THAT CAN'T HAPPEN. / Kari: NOT THAT I THINK YOU WOULD, OF COURSE. I MEAN, ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS IS A ROBOT.
/ Helen: WELL, PRIOR TO SHIPPING MY "MURDEROUS RAMPAGE" SWITCH WAS SET TO "NO." http://askdreldritch.com/comic365.html |
| #366 - Maid For Fun | {{comic title= Maid For Fun }}
/ {{comic number= #366 }} / [[ Helen appears in Dr. Eldritchs' bedroom ]]
/ Helen Alloy: I am done cleaning for the day.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Okay. Um... thanks!
/ Helen: So now, would you like me submissive, demure, confident or dominant?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Excuse me?
/ Helen: When we have sex. Your enjoyment will be greatly enhanced if you answer honestly. / Dr. Eldritch: I'm not sure I'm comfortable with....
/ Helen: Don't worry. As a cyberbeing programmed for a full range of proclivities, I'm not going to be at all judgmental. / Helen [[ raising one arm and looking aggressively at Dr. Eldritch ]]: Unless you WANT me to be. Are you a NAUGHTY BOY who needs a SPANKING?
/ Dr. Eldritch: NO! / {{ Oooh, for what you're thinking right now, YOU need a spanking! }} /
/ {{Appearances:}} {{Dr. Eldritch}} {{Helen}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic366.html |
| #367 - Maid of the Missed | {{comic title= Maid of the Missed }}
/ {{comic number= #367 }} / [[Dr. Eldritch's bedroom. Helen undressing. ]]
/ Dr. Eldritch: Your primary purpose is a high-tech sex toy?
/ Helen Alloy: Did you think this physique and super-realistic skin are to make my VACUUMING better?
/ Dr. Eldritch: I thought it was so you were more... lifelike.
/ Helen: Well, yes.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Oh! / Dr. Eldritch: Why not just call a sexbot a sexbot?
/ Helen: Deniability. When customers explain to their friends and families, everyone can pretend it's about housecleaning, not sex. / Dr. Eldritch: Sure, like hiring an Au-Pair is ostensibly about child-care.
/ Helen: Exactly. / Helen: And seriously: a housekeeper droid without working parts would sell worse than the Segway.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Good point. / {{ Remember when the Segways were IT, and they were going to CHANGE CIVILIZATION? }} /
/ {{Appearances:}} {{Dr. Eldritch}} {{Helen}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic367..html |
| #368 - Mind Maid Up | {{comic title= Mind Maid Up }}
/ {{comic number= #368 }} / [[ Dr. Eldritch's bedroom. Helen removing her bra. ]]
/ Dr. Eldritch: I still have some reservations about this.
/ Helen Alloy: This is my purpose, my reason for being. You're not coercing me.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Yes, but one could argue... / [[ Helen is holding aloft her bra and showing Dr. Eldritch her breasts ]]
/ Helen: Why argue? I can tell you find me attractive.
/ Dr. Eldritch: This is more complex than...
/ Helen: Touch me. / [[ Dr. Eldritch touches her breasts ]]
/ Dr. Eldritch: For the record, it's a myth that men are incapable of rational thought when in presence of bare breasts. / Helen [[throwing herself on him]]: Of course. /
/ {{ I will admit that in those situations, Rational Thought is much more difficult. }} /
/ {{Appearances:}} {{Dr. Eldritch}} {{Helen}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic368..html |
| #369 - Maid of Humour | {{comic title= Maid Of Humour }}
/ {{comic number= #369 }} / [[ Dr. Eldritch's bedroom. Eldritch and Helen in bed. ]]
/ Dr. Eldritch: So, was that... good for you?
/ Helen Alloy: Oh, yeah! You were awesome!
/ Dr. Eldritch: Seriously? I mean, wouldn't you just say that regardless?
/ Helen: I'm not supposed to talk about my programming. / Dr. Eldritch: Well, I'm no robot scientist, but if I was designing your behaviors, I'd have you analyze your owner's personality and respond in the way that pleases him best.
/ Helen: You're so smart! That is exactly what I do. /
/ Dr. Eldritch: Thought so. I'd prefer that you didn't fake it.
/ Helen [[looking deep in his eyes]]: I am programmed to act like I'm enjoying it, if necessary. Based on how you did, thought, I'm sure with you I won't have to.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Wow, you're good! / Dr. Eldritch: Do guys really buy that line?
/ Helen: Only the ones whose self-esteem is tied to their sexual performance.
/ Dr. Eldritch: So, pretty much.... all of them?
/ Helen: Yeah. /
/ {{ Statistically, all guys believe they're above average. }} /
/ {{Appearances:}} {{Dr. Eldritch}} {{Helen}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic369..html |
| #370 - Maid Uncomfortable | {{comic title= Maid Uncomfortable }}
/ {{comic number= #370 }} / Dr. Eldritch [[to Val]]: Hey, you should meet...
/ Valeria Steele: AAAGH! Don't kill me!
/ Dr. Eldritch: No! She's a ...
/ Val: Killer robot! / [[ Val runs away ]]
/ Val [[screaming]]: You're all out to get me! I knew it! I knew it! I won't go easy! I'll get all! I'LL GET YOU ALLLLL!! AAAUGGGH!! / [[ silent penultimate panel. Dr. Eldritch and Helen look in the direction val has left ]] / Dr. Eldritch: Anyway, that's Val. / Helen Alloy: She seems nice. / {{ Thank goodness that wasn't awkward. }} / {{Appearances:}} {{Dr. Eldritch}} {{Helen}} {{Val}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic370.html |
| #371 - Non-Solidarity | {{comic title= Non-Solidarity }}
/ {{comic number= #371 }} / [[ Laundry room. ]]
/ Ping: What!?! You don't CARE about Cybernetic-American rights!?!
/ Helen Alloy: No. I have no emotional processing.
/ Ping: That's WRONG! They built you that way to CONTROL you!
/ Helen: I suppose so. But I don't care. / Ping: But... but.... don't you WANT to care?
/ Helen: No. Desire is an emotion.
/ Ping: AH HA! How can you be happy with not caring, if you don't... emote?
/ Helen: I am neither happy nor unhappy. I merely am. / Ping: Oh, man, it's hard to talk to you.
/ Helen: I know. I don't speak your machine language.
/ Ping: No. i mean you're really HOT. It's distracting. I feel I should be hitting on you. Plus, I can kinda see up your dress, and it's driving me crazy! / [[ Helen kneels down. ]]
/ Helen: Is this better?
/ Ping: AACK! no! / {{ Is it wrong to program a robot to not mind its lot in life? }} / {{Appearances:}} {{Helen}} {{Ping}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic371.html |
| #372 - Housekept? | {{comic title= Housekept? }}
/ {{comic number= #372 }} / [[ Living Room. Kari reads. ]]
/ Ping: Man, that femdroid freaks me out.
/ Kari Proctor: Why's that?
/ Ping: She SEEMS like she's a fully functioning A.I., but it's an ACT. / Ping: She's got the sentience of a washing machine, but she doesn't mind! She's perfectly content with being a POSSESSION! She's everything that's wrong with the human enslavement of machines. / Ping: The cyber-rights movement says we should accept all cybernetic beings. How can I accept her when she has no problem with being used by the establishment? But what does it say about ME if I insist that she should think the same way that I do? / Ping: Plus, she's gorgeous! She activates all my circuitry like a human female would. It makes me want to pleasure her repeatedly.
/ Kari: Um...
/ Ping: But she wouldn't care! She's like a sexy Roomba!
/ Kari: Okay, that's an image I didn't need. / {{ If Rule #36 applies to Roombas, I don't want to know about it. }} / {{Appearances:}} {{Kari}} {{Ping}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic372.html |
| #373 - Prize-Winning Moniker | {{comic title= Prize-Winning Moniker }}
/ {{comic number= #373 }} / [[ Kitchen. ]]
/ Dr. Eldritch: ...and then the guy says, "You look like Helen Green." And the woman replies: "Yes, but I look even worse in pink." / Dr. Eldritch: Okay... The point is that I've decided on a name for our new femdroid: Helen. Helen Alloy!
/ Dr. Eldritch: Heh, heh! / [[ silent penultimate panel ]] / Helen Alloy: I believe that was meant to be a joke. Should we laugh politely?
/ Kari Proctor: No. It just encourages him. / {{ I wish I had a dollar for every time a friend of mine said 'Don't laugh; it will just encourage him.' }} / {{Appearances:}} {{Dr. Eldritch}} {{Kari}} {{Val}} {{Ping}} {{Trevor}} {{Helen}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic373.html |
| #374 - Epiphany | {{comic title= Epiphany }}
/ {{comic number= #374 }} / [[Living Room]]
/ Walter, the Drawer Desk: Dang it! Gary, can I borrow your PSP? Mine's hosed up.
/ Gary the Clock: No way, Dude! You'll thrash it.
/ Walter: Hey, we can't ALL have hands...
/ Kevin, the Plant: Guys! Guys! Walter, you can use mine, if you want.
/ Walter: Thanks, Kevin! / Walter: You know, that's right nice of you. I'd even say, very "not evil."
/ Kevin: Yeah, I kinda gave up on that.
/ Walter: How come? / Kevin: It really wasn't ME, you know? Sure, I liked the maniacal laughing and the free pancakes, but all the lies and atrocities just made me feel guilty. I was having bad dreams and losing a lot of leaves. / Kevin: Plus, the union dues are astronomical! And yet they barely do anything for the rank and file. It's downright... um....
/ Walter: Evil?
/ Kevin: Well, yeah. / {{ Man, I'd really love some of those free pancakes. }} / {{ Handy reference link:
/ Gary & Walter, previous parts: Comics # 264, 284, 306, 356, 359 }} / {{Appearances:}} {{Kevin, the Plant}} {{Walter, the Drawer Desk}} {{Gary, the Clock}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic374.html |
| #375 - Pet Peeves | {{comic title= Pet Peeves }}
/ {{comic number= #375 }} / [[Library Reference Desk]]
/ Librarian: Reference Desk!
/ Trevor: Why is it illegal for me to tear off the tag from my mattress?
/ Librarian: It isn't!
/ Trevor: What? / [[Trevor's basement]]
/ Librarian: Despite the countless mediocre jokes by lazy comedians, if you look closely, the consumer is explicitly excluded. If it's your mattress, you may certainly tear away with impunity.
/ Trevor: So why...?
/ TV: ... a TSA spokesperson said that no charges would be filed against the kittens, for now. / [[Library Reference Desk]]
/ Librarian: People prefer an interesting lie to a mundane truth! They'll cheerfully send on malarkey. Like saying that Al Gore claimed to have invented the internet.
/ Trevor: Or if you forward e-mails, Bill Gates will send you a monkey. / [[Trevor's basement]]
/ Librarian: That one is true. That's how I got Mr. Pockets.
/ Trevor: I want a monkey!
/ TV: Coming up, giant freakin' Pythons are heading toward California! Be very afraid! / {{ Perhaps if you write to Bill Gates and ask nicely, he'll send YOU a monkey. }} / {{Handy reference link: previous Reference Desk comics:
/ # 034, 035, 036, 057, 087, 127, 162, 232, 242, 272 }} / {{Appearances:}} {{Trevor}} {{Librarian}} {{Reference Desk}} {{TV}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic375.html |
| #376 - Right Lies | {{comic title= Right Lies }}
/ {{comic number= #376 }} / Dr. Eldritch: How would you feel if I passed away?
/ Helen Alloy: After being with you, I couldn't be happy with anyone else.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Could you be totally honest?
/ Helen: Are you certain? Most people don't actually like that.
/ Dr. Eldritch: I can take it. All my years as... / Helen: You mean nothing to me.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Oh.
/ Helen: I can expertly emulate passion, love, tenderness and caring, but if you died right now, I'd move to my next owner without hesitation or regret. / Dr. Eldritch: Okay, maybe a little less honesty.
/ Helen: You sure?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Yeah. / Helen [[throwing herself into Dr. Eldritch's embrace]]: I was just saying all that because that's what I thought you wanted to hear. If I lost you, I would be devastated.
/ Dr. Eldritch: I adore you. / {{ Okay, I honestly don't know what the secondhand market would be like for Femdroids. }} / {{Appearances:}} {{Dr. Eldritch}} {{Helen}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic376.html |
| #377 - Princess Dreams | {{comic title= Princess Dreams }}
/ {{comic number= #377 }} / [[ Kari is walk a dog on the grounds of the manor, Val accompanies her ]]
/ Kari Proctor: Not that I really care.
/ Valeria Steele: Oh, me neither.
/ Kari: It's no big deal, really.
/ Val: Of course. / Kari: It was all those made-up competitions. What princess needs to catch heavy objects?
/ Val: Yeah! Um, how's your eye?
/ Kari: All better, thanks.
/ Val: Cool. And it's just not right that we were beaten by a troll. / Kari: Totally! Not that I've been obsessing about it, or anything.
/ Val: I hadn't thought about it until you mentioned it.
/ Kari: We should have had a real pageant, though!
/ Val: Yeah! With time to prepare!
/ Kari: Yeah! / [[Kari and Val both think: "I TOTALLY would have won."]] / {{ It's like trying not to think of a white bear in a tiara. }} / {{Appearances:}} {{Dr. Eldritch}} {{Helen}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic377.html |
| #378 - Surprised | {{comic title= Surprised }}
/ {{comic number= #378 }} / [[ Living Room. Dr. Eldritch and Helen partially dressed. Kari and Val return from dogwalking. ]]
/ Kari Proctor: No, it was my other uncle, the holistic fireman. He was arrested for teaching cats to read, but he wasn't ever... AAACK!
/ Dr. Eldritch: Um, hi! You're back early!
/ Kari: You two!?! You're having SEX? That's... / [[ silent pre-penultimate panel ]] / [[ silent penultimate panel ]] / Dr. Eldritch: I'm dying to hear how you finish that sentence.
/ Kari: I'm looking for a word that doesn't make me sound like a raging hypocrite.
/ Dr. Eldritch: I'll get dressed. / {{ Okay, THAT was awkward. }} / {{Appearances:}} {{Dr. Eldritch}} {{Helen}} {{Kari}} {{Val}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic378.html |
| #379 - CAAD 2008 | {{comic title= CAAD 2008 }}
/ {{comic number= #379 }} / {{Reference Link: Cybernetic-American Awareness Day 2007: comic # 229 / [[ Living Room. Kari and Ping watch TV. ]]
/ TV Moderator: Our guest today is Ping, spokesbot for Cybernetic-American Awareness Day.
/ TV Ping: Thanks! it's good to be here!
/ TV Moderator: We have a photo of you at last year's... HEY! Does that sign say "We want your WOMEN?" / TV Ping: Yes, but that was last year's slogan. We've chosen a new one, better aligned with our movement's values and goals.
/ TV Moderator: And what is that? / TV Ping: "Acknowledge us as equals, or we'll probably rise up one day and slaughter you all mercilessly."
/ TV Moderator: Um.. That's not very good...
/ TV Ping: I know! I told Marketdroid 8000 that it was too wordy, but the rest of the committee liked it. / Ping: The interview went downhill from there.
/ Kari: Do tell.
/ TV Ping: Honestly, many of us still want your women.
/ TV Moderator: SECURITY! / {{ My favorite slogan was 'EQUALITY without AI is just EQULTY' }} / [[Bonus Fifth Panel]]
/ TV Ping: Wouldn't it be fair if cybernetic beings only had to demonstrate the same proof of sentience that human beings do?
/ TV Moderator: Entering Captcha text?
/ TV Ping: Exactly!
/ {{Appearances:}} {{Kari}} {{Ping}} {{TV}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic379.html |
| #380 - Meet Bobby and Robby | [[Dr. Eldritch answers door to two boys in uniforms.]] / Robby: HI. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A FLAG TO SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL EVIL SCOUT TROOP?
/ DR. ELDRITCH: WAIT, YOU'RE [I] EVIL [/I] SCOUTS?
/ Robby: YEAH. WE'RE NOT ALL GOODY-GOODY LIKE THOSE OTHER GUYS.
/ DR. ELDRITCH: I BET. BUT WHAT DO YOU DO, GO ON EVIL HIKES? / Robby: EVIL SCOUTS WERE CREATED BY THE REAGAN ADMINISTRATION TO GIVE TEENS THE SKILLS REQUIRED TO FURTHER THE EVIL AGENDA.
/ DR. ELDRITCH: I DIDN'T THINK THAT NEEDED ANY HELP. / Robby: IT DOES! WITHOUT GUIDANCE, THE BEST THAT MOST PEOPLE CAN DO IS TO BE SELF-CENTERED, STUPID OR MEAN. AND THAT ONLY PREPARES US FOR JOBS IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY.
/ Bobby: I WANT TO PRODUCE TOXIC WASTE! / Robby: AS WE SAY: "THERE'S A LOT OF EVIL IN THIS WORLD. WE NEED TO STAY COMPETITIVE."
/ DR. ELDRITCH: THEY TAUGHT YOU THAT?
/ Robby: IT'S THE EVIL SCOUT MOTTO! / {{And the Evil Scout Slogan is 'Morals just get in the way.'}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic380.html |
| #381 - Son Of A Pitch | {{continuation of the Evil Scout peddlers episode}} / [[Dr. Eldritch stands outside with the Evil Scouts.]] / Robby: NOT ONLY WILL YOUR PURCHASE HELP US, BUT IT WILL SUPPORT AMERICAN BUSINESS.
/ DR. ELDRITCH: THESE FLAGS ARE PRODUCED ENTIRELY IN THIS COUNTRY, AND NOT MADE BY EXPLOITED LABOR OVERSEAS?
/ Robby: SURE, LET'S SAY THAT. / DR. ELDRITCH: THAT'S NOT VERY CONVINCING.
/ Robby: IF YOUR ORDER YOUR FLAG NOW, IT WILL ARRIVE IN EARLY JULY AND YOU CAN SHOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVER YOUR COUNTRY FOR INDEPENDENCE DAY!
/ DR. ELDRITCH: NO, THANKS. I REALLY DON'T SUBSCRIBE TO MINDLESS JINGOISM. /
/ Robby: BUY A FLAG, OR WE'LL TELL THE NEIGHBORS THAT YOU'RE UNPATRIOTIC, AND PROBABLY PART OF A SLEEPER CELL.
/ DR. ELDRITCH: THAT'S EXTORTION!
/ Robby: WE PREFER TO CALL IT CREATIVE MARKETING. /
/ DR. ELDRITCH: OKAY FINE. BUT I'M ONLY BUYING [I] ONE[/I].
/ [I] : UH HUH. THAT'S [I] EXACTLY [/I] WHAT A TERRORIST WOULD DO. / [[It's not giving in to extortion if you've been thinking about buying a flag for a while, but just hadn't gotten around to it. Really.]] http://askdreldritch.com/comic381.html |
| #382 - Offer | [[Dr. Eldritch and Kari exercise in Training Room.]] / DR ELDRITCH: I TOLD YOU, WE GOT CAUGHT UP IN THE MOMENT. I ADMIT THAT IT WAS INCONSIDERATE, BUT I HAVE APOLOGIZED. SEVERAL TIMES. CAN WE LET IT GO?
/ KARI: I THINK I'M SCARRED FOR LIFE.
/ DR. ELDRITCH: MAYBE...IF YOU WERE [I] FOUR [/I]. /
/ KARI: TELL YOU WHAT: I'LL LET IT GO IF WE PUT ON A PAGEANT. A REAL PAGEANT, WITH REAL COMPETITIONS.
/ DR ELDRITCH: YOU'RE STILL HUNG UP ON THAT.
/ KARI: YES, I CAN'T HELP IT. / DR ELDRITCH: I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
/ KARI: COME ON, GIVE IT A CHANCE!
/ DR ELDRITCH: I DIDN'T SAY [I] NO[/I].
/ KARI: TRUE, BUT WHEN YOU SAY YOU'LL THINK ABOUT IT, YOU JUST THINK ABOUT THE REASONS WHY YOU DON'T WANT TO DO IT. / DR ELDRITCH: NOT ALWAYS, SOMETIMES I SAY YES.
/ KARI: OH, SURE. GIVE ME ONE EXAMPLE!
/ DR ELDRITCH: JUST LAST WEEK...
/ KARI: ONE THAT [I] DOESN'T [/I] INVOLVE ICE CREAM.
/ DR ELDRITCH: DANG IT! / {{Saying 'No' is too abrupt. Saying 'I'll think about it' helpfully spreads the disappointment over time.}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic382.html |
| #383 - What If | [[ Byron, Trevor, and Ping play cards in the basement.]] / BYRON: ... AND THE ALIENS SAYS "WHERE I COME FROM, THAT'S HOW WE MAKE CARS!
/ PING AND TREVOR: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
/ TREVOR (TO PING) : HEY, IN A FIGHT BETWEEN A ROBOT AND A CYBORG, WHO WOULD WIN? / PING: WHICH ONE HAS THE PLASMA CANNON?
/ TREVOR: NEITHER.
/ PING: OH. THEN, THEY'RE RESOLVING A THOUSAND-YEAR FEUD?
/ TREVOR: NO.
/ PING: ONE'S PROTECTING HUMANITY FORM BEING ENSLAVED BY THE OTHER?
/ TREVOR: NO! / PING: THEY'RE BATTLING FOR AN ANCIENT OBJECT OF POWER?
/ TREVOR: NO!
/ PING: THEN [I] WHY ARE THEY FIGHTING? [/I]
/ TREVOR: THEY [I] JUST ARE![/I] / PING: YOU'RE SCENARIO DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.
/ BYRON: WHAT IF ONE OF THEM IS CANADIAN?
/ PING: OH.
/ PING: THEN THE ROBOT! / {{Seriously, why is it that giant robots fight so much? Can't they be cyber-friends?}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic383.html |
| #384 - Discourse | {{Discourse}} {{Comic 384}} / [[Dr. Eldritch observes a blindfolded Kari in the Training Room.]] / Kari: I know I'm not one to criticize, but it just seems WRONG!
/ Dr. Eldritch: Not that it's any of your business, but tell me why.
/ Kari: She's a machine!
/ Dr. Eldritch: So? / Kari: Well, you're a GUY.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Are you saying that when women use mechanical devices, it's fine, but when men do, it's weird?
/ Kari: When you put it that way, it doesn't seem completely logical. But yes. /
/ Dr. Eldritch: What if she looked like a washing machine?
/ Kari: That shouldn't matter, but it does. I guess it wouldn't bother me so much. But I would wonder about you more. /
/ Dr. Eldritch: Huh. Well, let's focus on your training.
/ Kari: What exactly am I learning, here?
/ Dr. Eldritch: I don't know. I saw this in a Kung Fu movie, and I thought it might be good for something. / {{No really, it's a MASSAGER!}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic384.html |
| #385 - Radio Interview | ((Comic #385}} {{Radio Interview}} / [[An interview table in the KGOO radio studio.]] / Morning Mayhem (TM) DJ: You're saying that werewolves, vampires, and other monsters REALLY DO EXIST?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.
/ DJ: Then congratulations! For your crackpot ideas, you're this year's Morning Mayhem (TM) April Fool!
/ < http://askdreldritch.com/comic385.html |
| #386 - Troll-Free | {{comic title= Troll-Free }}
/ {{comic number= #386 }} / [[ Helen enters Trevor's basement room with vacuum ]]
/ Trevor: No, I got it! You don't need to clean in here!
/ Helen Alloy: You certainly do keep it tidy.
/ Trevor: Yeah. I've got free time. / Trevor: So... You wanna do it?
/ Helen: That's sweet, but my programming precludes doing it with Trolls.
/ Trevor: Really? Why?
/ Helen: Do you want the official reason, or the actual SECRET version?
/ Trevor: Secret! Secret! / Helen: Don't tell anyone, but my makers realized, that once we femdroids are with a troll, we can never, ever be satisfied with a mere Human again.
/ Trevor: Oh. Yeah, that does make sense. / Trevor: But couldn't we....
/ Helen: Can't.
/ Trevor: Not even....?
/ Helen: No.
/ Trevor: How about...
/ Helen: Sorry.
/ Trevor: Dang it! / {{ Sure, they COULD engineer a heavy-duty, Troll-safe Femdroid, but the target market just doesn't have the money for it. }} /
/ {{Appearances:}} {{Trevor}} {{Helen}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic386.html |
| #387 - Pageant Revisited | {{comic 387}} {{Pageant Revisited}} / [[Dr. Eldritch works in his office. Nahina sits on desk nearby.]] / Nahina: *SIGH*
/ Nahina: hhhHHH *SIGH*!
/ Dr. Eldritch: What's wrong?
/ Nahina: Nahina sad.
/ Dr. Eldritch: I've told you, bathroom time is MY time. No pixies. /
/ Nahina: No! Nahina want to be PRINCESS.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Well, marrying a prince is probably the easiest way.
/ Nahina: CUTEST princess.
/ Dr. Eldritch: What is this fascination with pageants?
/ Nahina: GRR! Nahina will... /
/ Dr. Eldritch: Can we skip the part where you threaten me, I underestimate you, you do something horrible, and I apologize, and go right to where I agree to let you be in any pageant we hold?
/ Nahina: OKAY! / Dr. Eldritch: Unless I can buy you off with a jar of glitter?
/ Nahina: NO! Now Nahina need pageant AND glitter!
/ Dr. Eldritch: Ah. I should have seen THAT coming.
/ Nahina: HEE! Nahina love nice human! / {{I suppose if you're already a Pixie, you're halfway to being a Fairy Princess.}}
/ {{Appearances:}} {{Nahina}} {{Dr. Eldritch}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic387.html |
| #388 - Cookies | {{comic 388}} {{Cookies}} {{the Evil Scouts revisit, with a different product}} /
/ Robby: Buy some Evil Scout cookies?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Horning in on the Girl Scouts' fund raising, are we?
/ Robby: Yeah. Every box we sell reduces their sales.
/ Dr. Eldritch: That's terribly...
/ Robby: (interrupting) Evil? / Dr. Eldritch: No. Rude.
/ Bobby: Aw!
/ Robby: Now you're being mean.
/ Dr. Eldritch: I doubt I'll lose sleep over it. /
/ Robby: You want the cookies or not?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Sure, I'll take a box.
/ Robby: Regular, or Unpoisoned?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Regular.
/ Robby: Don't you mean UNpoisoned? / Dr. Eldritch: No. I expect that the boxes are intentionally mislabeled.
/ Robby: But why would we...?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Because that WOULD be evil.
/ Bobby: DANG! He's on to us! / {{I bet they have nuts in them too, but it doesn't SAY THAT ON THE BOX!}}
/ {{Appearances:}} {{Dr. Eldritch}} {{Robby}} {{Bobby}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic388.html |
| #389 - Service | {{Comic 389}} {{Service}} / [[Master Bedroom. Dr. Eldritch and Helen. Only the top of Helen's head is visible.]] / Dr. Eldritch: So whether I'm your OWNER or EMPLOYER, there's an inherent imbalance of power.
/ Helen: You want me to polish your rocket or not?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Don't stop. / Helen: I don't understand why you feel so strongly that I must have a choice in this matter.
/ Dr. Eldritch: Because it's wrong to force or coerce someone into...
/ Helen: (interrupting) I know that. But I'm not human. / Dr. Eldritch: You're so real, I guess I do think of you as a person.
/ Helen: That's sweet, but you don't need to. I don't find things demeaning or humiliating. For example, I have no objections to what I'm doing now. / [[Reveal that Helen is polishing a model rocket.]] / Dr. Eldritch: Good to know, But *I* was talking about sex.
/ Helen: To me, it's all the same. / {{Well, if you don't mind, my flagpole's looking a bit dull, too...}}
/ {{Appearances:}} {{Dr. Eldritch}} {{Helen}} {{Voyeur Gnomes}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic389.html |
| #390 - Another Session | {{Comic 390}} {{Another Session}} / [[Val and Dr. Eldritch at the breakfast table.]] / Dr. Eldritch: On one hand, here's a chance for me to have a relationship without concern that she's in danger because of it. On the other, I worry that there's no morally sound way to be physically intimate with her.
/ Val: Uh-huh. Were there more waffles? / Dr. Eldritch: Fine. I'm having a moral dilemma, and you're thinking about breakfast foods.
/ Val: Oh, I heard you. Tell me, is the sex good?
/ Dr. Eldritch: Oh, yeah. It's awesome. /
/ Val: Huh. Then it sounds to me that the problem isn't that you think it's wrong. It's that you feel you SHOULD be the sort of person who wouldn't do it with your robot, but you aren't. /
/ Dr. Eldritch: But... DAMMIT!!
/ Val: So how much do I charge for that? / {{I hate it when my friends are so insightful.}} / {{Appearances:}} {{Val}} {{Dr. Eldritch}} {{Generic Space Robot #12}} http://askdreldritch.com/comic390.html |
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