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Episode 691: Socket to Him R2-D2: Right, my dreadnought should be just around this corner somewhere. / GM: Make a Spot roll. / R2-D2: Oooh, I'm so excited! / R2-D2: 6. Well that should be plenty with the size modifier. / GM: You see only the dim walls of the desert canyon, echoing with the protesting whine of your servos. / R2-D2: Oh god, don't tell me it's been buried by a sandstorm. This is totally going to suck. / GM: Suddenly, a small figure leaps out and ... shoots you! / R2-D2: Oh phew. I was worried there for a second. / R2-D2: Dodge: 10. Do your worst, primitive desert projectile weapon. Is it a sling shot or can they afford a potato gun? / GM: Sparks short out your circuits. You fall to the ground with a thud, paralysed. / Jawa: Huh. An outdated model. Might be worth a few quid. / R2-D2: Come over here! I'll pull your arms out of their sockets!
Episode 692: Dark & Droids [[Jawas carry R2-D2 to sandcrawler and put him in]] / [SFX]: < doop bop beedle doodle blip ni-bing > / [SFX]: < fip-jing boodle pip-jing bang > / [SFX]: < doop whiddle e-pok whir bang boop fip-jing > / [SFX]: < doop buzz bebepok squee boo-diki ooyoo > / GM: Delivered to this dark, dank den of despair, you discern a disarray of disheartened, disfigured, and dismembered droids. / R2-D2: You've been practising that sentence, haven't you? / GM: Definitely. / GM: Amidst this scene of charnel horror you see a familiar figure. / C-3PO: I'm not talking to you. / R2-D2: Darn.
Episode 693: A Dorkface? [[beat, a pair of droids sitting in the hold of the sandcrawler]] / [[beat, another droid sitting in the hold of the sandcrawler]] / [[beat, another droid sitting in the hold of the sandcrawler]] / R2-D2: I spy with my little eye, something beginning with... D. / [[beat, another droid sitting in the hold of the sandcrawler]] / [[beat, another droid sitting in the hold of the sandcrawler]] / [[beat, another droid sitting in the hold of the sandcrawler]] / C-3PO: Still not talking to you.
Episode 694: Nuts and Bolts R2-D2: All right, Sally, I've been thinking about this. / C-3PO: I'm listening. This had better be heartfelt. / R2-D2: You'll love it. It's the perfect escape plan. / C-3PO: / R2-D2: This hold is magnetically sealed, so we need a narrowcast scan, which I can perform using parts from these mining droids, and? / GM: You can't do that. You have a restraining bolt on you. / R2-D2: Restraining bolt? How does that work? / GM: The Jawas stuck it on your chassis. / R2-D2: Simple, I remove it with? / GM: No. You don't want to. / R2-D2: What? Yes I do. / GM: You can feel its influence flowing through you. It controls your actions. / R2-D2: Hmm. Okay, Threepio, can you just reach over and? / GM: You don't feel like finishing that sentence. / R2-D2: Man! This sucks!! / GM: Actually, you think it's awesome.
Episode 695: Promises Something for Everyone R2-D2: Well if I can't escape, I'll check my tracker. / GM: Your dreadnought's homer is about nine metres away. Seven, six... / R2-D2: That can't be. That's inside the room! / Jawa: Okay you droids, move out! / R2-D2: You! You looted my homing device! Where's my dreadnought?! / Jawa: No talking there. Outside and line up! / R2-D2: Crud. Fine then, the prison break scenario. I've done this before. In the Dungeons of the Slave Lords. / R2-D2: Chin up, Threepio! We'll get back to old blighty! / [SFX]: < squee diki eroo doosquee ting doop > / C-3PO: I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. / C-3PO: I love it here. A beautiful desert cruise with wonderful friends. / C-3PO: And you. / GM: Since there's so much love in the air, let's preserve this moment until next week. / Captain Antilles: Cool. By then my new character will totally be ready to save all your backsides. Really, I don't know what you'd do without me. / R2-D2: Succeed?
 
Episode 696: Come Aboard, We're Expecting You R2-D2: Hey everyone. This is my nephew Corey. / GM: Nice to meet you. Pete told me you were keen to try our game. / R2-D2: And this is Jim, Annie, and Sally. / Corey: Cool. I look forward to pwning all of you. Where are the computers? / GM: No computers. This is it. / Corey: Lol, what? Pete said we were playing a roleplaying game. / Leia: We are. It's like improvisational theatre. / Leia: You know, a play, but without a script. / C-3PO: You just say what you want to do. With your face. / R2-D2: And your stats are all on this piece of paper. / Corey: But where's the graphics? / C-3PO: Oh my goodness. So immature. / Corey: Hey, I'm a year older than you. / C-3PO: Girls mature faster than boys. Known fact, dorkhead.
Episode 697: Two Out of Three Ain't Bad Corey: Okaaaay. What's this thing about? / GM: Well, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... / Captain Antilles: [[dead]] This awesome Queen saved the Galaxy from the evil Governor of Naboo. Now we're rebelling against his evil sidekick, Emperor Palpatine. And? / GM: Your name is Adam Lars. You've lived here on the desert world of Tatooine all your life. This evening you're helping your father, Owen, to buy droids from the Jawas. / Adam: What's a droid? / Captain Antilles: [[dead]] It's a robot. / Adam: Well that's... Why don't you just call it a robot? / Captain Antilles: [[dead]] Because we're trying to create a shared world of our imagination with an exotic science fiction flavour. / [[beat]] / R2-D2: Actually, what is a Jawa, anyway? / Captain Antilles: [[dead]] It's a triangular pastry.
Episode 698: In Which... What Happens Exactly? R2-D2: So Jim, do we meet your new character here too? / Captain Antilles: [[dead]] No, I'm not done with the background yet. / GM: And I need to find a way to work him into the adventure. / Captain Antilles: [[dead]] It's really detailed. / GM: Which is why I need the time. Anyway, Adam, your father is looking over the droids for sale when you hear your mother, Beru, call from the homestead. / Beru Lars: Adam!! / Adam: Uh... Whoa. / Beru Lars: Adam, tell Owen that if he gets a translator to be sure it speaks Bocce. / Adam: What the? / Owen Lars: You, I suppose you're programmed for etiquette and protocol. / C-3PO: Yes. And I can teach him poise and dancing as well. / Adam: Hang on. Who... What? / C-3PO: I'm going to have to charge you double.
Episode 699: Die, Red Die C-3PO: Mr Owen, sir, is that you? It's C-3PO, remember me? / Owen Lars: [[quiet]] Shhh. Don't let them hear you. / Owen Lars: Okay, we'll take her. And the red one. / Adam: What red one? / GM: This one here. / Adam: That's just a funny-looking dice. / R2-D2: Die. / Adam: Whoa, relax. / R2-D2: "Dice" is plural. "Die" is the singular. / Adam: Funny-looking die, then. It only has four sides, what good's that? / [[beat, R2-D2 glares]] / GM: It represents the red droid. / Owen Lars: Adam, get these two over to the garage, right away. I want you to have both of them secured before dinner. / Adam: Huh? What's going on? / C-3PO: He's the Game Master; he's playing your father. You need to roleplay your character, Adam. / Adam: Okaaay. Uh... / Adam: Well, come on, "Red", let's go. / Red: Freedom at last? Ha. They sent me here for life, and that's exactly what they took.
Episode 700: Dance Dance Electrocution R2-D2: Hey! You're not going to leave me with these lowlife dreadnought-larcenists, are you? / GM: Pete, that's in character. You know what you have to do. / [SFX]: < boop squee boo-diki e-doosquee doop bi-fidooby bloop bading bebebing kibuzz > / Adam: What are you doing? / C-3PO: He's an astromech droid. He can only talk in beeps. / Adam: Ha ha! Now that's funny. / R2-D2: Funny? I suppose you think my +3 hypogalvanic shock probe is funny? / [[beat]] / R2-D2: Threepio, translate for me! / [[R2 bounces around in an agitated fashion]] / [SFX]: < doop buzz kap spip prowww squee ooyoo > / C-3PO: Oh dear, the R2 unit is babbling about his shock probe! / Jawa: Shock probe? He's trying to escape! / [SFX]: ZAP! / Jawa: What we've got here is... failure to communicate.
 
Episode 701: Bloop Bloop, Doodle Doodle, Big Red Droid GM: Suddenly, the red droid stops, a panel pops open, and smoke pours out. / Adam: Um... / GM: You better tell your father. / Adam: Er... Dad! Something's... wrong with this robot? / Owen Lars: [[to Jawa]] Hey, what are you trying to pull here? / Head Jawa: But... he passed a full diagnostic this morning! / C-3PO: Excuse me, sir, but that R2 unit is in prime condition. A real bargain. / [SFX]: < boop oowoo bedoop whiddle bip kibuzz bebing > / Adam: The what? / C-3PO: Pete. / Adam: Pete's in prime condition?? / R2-D2: Ha, ha. / Owen Lars: We'll take that blue one. / Head Jawa: Do you want the extended warranty? / Owen Lars: Adam, you're in charge of it. / Adam: Wait. I literally get to own Pete? I could get used to this game.
Episode 702: He's Just a Farm Boy, From a Farm Family C-3PO: I'm quite sure you'll be very pleased with that one, sir. / R2-D2: Thank you, Threepio. I just want to say sorry about? / [SFX]: < doop oobloo pating doip bloop > / C-3PO: He's very obedient. And tactful. / Adam: So he's playing someone completely different from himself? This roleplaying stuff is insane. / C-3PO: Tell us something about yourself, Adam. / Adam: Um... I've been living on this farm all my life. / C-3PO: Go on. / GM: You can invent some stuff about yourself. / Adam: And... er... I'm an expert crack-shot ninja karate master stunt driver with a suit of powered armour? / GM: Spoken like a true relative of Pete. Keep it within reason for a desert farm boy. / Adam: Ummm. Um. I like... sand. / GM: Excellent. / Adam: I can... drive a sand tractor? / C-3PO: Interesting. / Adam: Wow. This is so much harder without a dialogue tree.
Episode 703: Clean Getaway Adam: Right, door's locked. I guess you're secure. Now what? / C-3PO: Wow, there's enough oil here for a bath. Do you mind? I've got such a bad case of dust contamination, I can barely move! / Adam: So... you're a robot too, right? / C-3PO: A protocol droid. C-3PO, human-cyborg relations. And this is R2-D2. / R2-D2: I don't do oil baths. You're going to have to clean me manually. / [SFX]: < doop beedle boop po-ka-buzz whir ding kibuzz > / Adam: Er, okay, fine. I start cleaning you. Why am I cleaning you? / R2-D2: I've got a lot of carbon scoring. We've obviously seen a lot of action. / [SFX]: < doop buzz ta-boodle dosquee beboppity > / C-3PO: What with the Rebellion and all. / Adam: What Rebellion? / C-3PO: Well, it's a long story. / R2-D2: We've been playing this game for six years. / Adam: Wow. That was three consoles and two PCs ago. And you guys have been playing the same game all that time? / GM: Thank you.
Episode 704: The Good Oil C-3PO: About twenty years ago, we helped save the Galactic Republic from a war instigated by Separatists. / C-3PO: They stole the Lost Orb of Phanastacoria from a peaceful planet called Naboo, and blew up their moon with it. / C-3PO: The Republic Chancellor, Palpatine, designed the Peace Moon to replace it, but the Separatists discovered it had a secret defensive laser in it. / C-3PO: They stole the plans and started building one of their own, to power with the Lost Orb and use as a weapon. / C-3PO: Our former masters, Senator Amidala and her husband Anakin, may they rest in peace, stopped the Separatists and ushered in an age of peace and prosperity. / C-3PO: The public loved Palpatine so much that they declared him Emperor for life. But he's beholden to the corrupt Senate. / C-3PO: We're part of a Rebellion against the Senate. Recently we uncovered clues that the Lost Orb is inside the Peace Moon. / C-3PO: We can't let the Senate have a weapon capable of destroying a planet. / C-3PO: We stole a copy of the plans so we can locate the Lost Orb, take it, and return it to the rightful owners, the Gungans of Naboo. / C-3PO: Without the Orb the moon will truly be a Peace Moon. / [[beat]] / Adam: Can I replay this cut scene later?
Episode 705: Soft Cell R2-D2: TL;DR: The Senate sucks. Seriously. / C-3PO: Except for noble Senator Binks. We have to get the Peace Moon plans to him on Naboo. Join us... and together we can save the Galaxy! / Adam: Nice story. But it's not going to work. / C-3PO: What? / Adam: I'm not going to blow my first quest by letting you out of this garage. / R2-D2: That quest will give you 50 XP, tops. Saving the Galaxy will be worth... well more experience than you can imagine. / Adam: I don't know, I can imagine quite a lot. / R2-D2: Plus, we get to rescue a Princess. Look, hologram! / Leia: Look, the problems of two people and two droids don't amount to a hill of space pears in this crazy galaxy. / [[beat]] / R2-D2: Okay, that might not be the best sell of this mission.
 
Episode 706: Inconceivable R2-D2: Let me rewind that a bit. / [SFX]: < bop bapip > / Leia: You and 3PO need to get these plans to Senator Binks on Naboo. / C-3PO: There you go, our mission. / Adam: Not gonna happen. Your Rebellion will have to wait until I complete my quest. / R2-D2: Hmmm. Fair enough. But as my new owner, I must ask one boon of you. / [SFX]: < bippity squee buzz bedoop doop whir eemoo ping > / R2-D2: See this thing attached to my chassis? When you're cleaning me, please don't take it off me. / [SFX]: < doop buzz prow squee beedle kibuzz boop kibuzz prow > / Adam: Why? What happens if it's removed? / R2-D2: I don't even want to think about it. Truly. / [SFX]: < doop boop pating > / Adam: Really? / R2-D2: I'm serious. I really don't want you to remove it. Please. / [SFX]: < oowoo boop kibuzz > / Adam: Hmmm. / R2-D2: You'd be doing me a favour. / [SFX]: < squee eeyoo > / [[beat]] / Adam: I take it. What happens? / GM: Pete just earned 50 XP.
Episode 707: Hear No Evil, C-3PO No Evil GM: Adam, your mother calls you. / Beru Lars: Adam! Adam! Come to dinner. / Adam: Can I see my inventory? / GM: You're carrying the bolt you removed from R2-D2. Write it on your sheet. / Adam: Whoa, low tech. Okay, I go to dinner. / R2-D2: And that, ladies and gentledroids, is how you escape from inescapable mind control. / C-3PO: By taking advantage of an ignorant farm boy? / Adam: Hey, you aren't following me out of the garage, are you? / GM: No, they're talking while you're in a different location. / Adam: How come I can still hear them? / GM: You can't. / Adam: But I just did. / Captain Antilles: [[dead]] I know this is confusing. I think I can explain it best. You see? / Adam: Oh, I get it. I should just pretend I didn't hear it. / Captain Antilles: [[dead]] Wow. I never thought of it that way.
Episode 708: Where Are Your Manas? GM: Adam, you're sitting with your parents eating dinner. / Beru Lars: Drink your milk. / Adam: Cool, what does it give me? / Beru Lars: Vitamins. You know that. / Adam: Oh, a health potion? / Beru Lars: It's just milk. Drink it. / Adam: But it's blue! / Beru Lars: Adam, let's not go through this again. If you don't drink it, you'll die. / Adam: Whoa. Okay. / [[Adam drinks]] / Owen Lars: After dinner we'd better refuel the generators. That should keep the perimeter guns powered for the next month. / Beru Lars: That reminds me of some interesting chatter on the Black Alpha channels. / Beru Lars: I've almost decrypted the subliminal sub-noise signal layer. / Adam: What? / Owen Lars: All you need to know is: Don't go out at night. Don't talk to strangers. And don't look at the sky. / Beru Lars: If you do, you'll die.
Episode 709: So How Much of This Stuff do I Have to Drink? Adam: Why didn't you tell me about all this stuff with the Empire and the Peace Moon and the Lost Orb? / [[beat, Owen and Beru look at each other]] / Owen Lars: Where did you hear that? / Adam: The robots. / Owen Lars: I want you to go back to the garage and melt down those droids and their filthy lies. Lies spread by crazy outside folk. / Adam: I knew it! They were trying to trick me into letting them go. / Owen Lars: Well done, son. I knew you were too smart to fall for their beguiling ways. / Owen Lars: After you melt the droids you can check the vaporators. The moisture isn't just going to farm itself, you know. / Adam: Uh, sure. Is this all there is to do in this game? Run a farm? / Owen Lars: You know moisture farming is a tough living. We can't do it without you. / Adam: But I want to explore and go on quests. / Beru Lars: If you do, you'll die. / Owen Lars: And who will farm the moisture? / Beru Lars: We'll all die.
Episode 710: Son Screen Adam: Is there any more of this blue milk? / Owen Lars: After you melt the droids down. / Adam: Hmm. Okay, I'll be right back. / GM: You head outside. Are you keeping your head down like your parents told you? / Adam: I... / Adam: Screw it. I look up. Just for a second. / GM: The twin suns of Tatooine are setting majestically in the purple glow of the evening sky. / Adam: Is that all? / GM: Do you want to look a bit longer? / Adam: Um... / Adam: Why are you rolling dice? / Captain Antilles: [[dead]] Run!
 
Episode 711: Choose Your Own Adventure Adam: Okay, I go melt down the robots. / GM: You don't see them in the garage. / Adam: Don't tell me they escaped? / C-3PO: [[popping up]] Half right. / Adam: Pete escaped? / C-3PO: He's a devious one. / Adam: Okay, he can't have gone far. I'll melt you down first. / C-3PO: What?! Why do you want to do that? / Adam: It's my quest. / C-3PO: No silly. Your quest is what you choose it to be. / Adam: Huh? / C-3PO: You can succeed at anything you want, not just what your parents tell you to do. / C-3PO: You need your own motivation. Why are you melting me down? / Adam: You called me a dorkhead. / C-3PO: That was out of character, you numbskull!
Episode 712: Fuzzy Dice C-3PO: Do you still want to melt Artoo down? / Adam: Sure. Of course. / C-3PO: Well you'll need me to find him. I can detect his wireless signal. / Adam: I'll go outside and look. / Adam: Can I see him? / GM: Here, roll this d20. The higher the better. / Adam: Hang on, I think I've got a dice... die-rolling app on my phone. / R2-D2: Heresy! / Leia: You've been using that droid-beeping app ever since you had a PDA. / R2-D2: That's not the same thing at all. / Leia: How so? / R2-D2: Dice have to... uh... random... It's too subtle for you to understand. / C-3PO: And that big exploding die you used talked with an electronic? / R2-D2: Not the same thing!
Episode 713: I For One Welcome Our Giant Shiny Gold Robot Overlords [SFX]: roll / Adam: 3. Well I guess that's fail. / GM: You don't see any trace of R2. And it's dark out. / Adam: Damn. We'll have to track him down in the morning. / C-3PO: What skills do you have? They'll be on your sheet. / Adam: Um... Armoury, Climbing, Hunting, Piloting, Riding, Shooting, Stealth, Survival: Desert, Survival: Forest, Survival: Snow? / Leia: Snow? / Adam: ?Survival: Swamp, Swimming, and Tracking. / C-3PO: There you go. / Leia: How the heck do you get snow skills on a desert planet? / Adam: Er... It gets cold at night? / Leia: Not that cold. / C-3PO: In the freezer? / Adam: Ha ha, yeah, right. My parents make me live in the freezer for space-Lent every year. I build igloos. / C-3PO: Cool!
Episode 714: Silicon Based Life Forms Adam: Whew. Glad we didn't have to roleplay eight hours of sleep. / C-3PO: Duh. / Adam: And don't think this is your chance to escape either. / C-3PO: You know why you're not allowed out at night? The Sand People. / Adam: People made of sand? / Captain Antilles: [[dead]] I defeated a giant Sand Person once. / C-3PO: They roam the desert at night, but by day they lurk in rocky canyons. Like this one! / Adam: This is where the tracks lead. / C-3PO: Don't worry, I can negotiate with them. / Adam: Negotiate to have me killed? Dad was right about you. / C-3PO: Your parents are the biggest paranoid raving loony nutcases ever! / Adam: And what do you know about paranoid nutcases? / C-3PO: I was built by one!
Episode 715: Valley of the Rolls Adam: There he is! / R2-D2: Sod. / [[Adam grabs a gun]] / Adam: Right you two, up against the wall. / C-3PO: What? I've been helping you. / Adam: Sorry, I can't let you get away again. I'll make it quick. / R2-D2: You're going to kill us?! / C-3PO: Think fast, Pete! / R2-D2: Dude, this is a team game. We're all on the same side. / Adam: My team is my family. I'm no rebel. Am I supposed to roleplay or not? / GM: Guys... make Spot rolls. / [SFX]: roll / [SFX]: roll / [SFX]: roll / GM: None of you see anything. / [[beat]] / Adam: I'll get my binoculars. / C-3PO: Good idea.
 
Episode 716: He's Hiding Behind the Bacon Tree GM: You see a couple of banthas. / Adam: What's a bantha? / Captain Antilles: [[dead]] A spicy desert fruit. / GM: Large riding beasts. / C-3PO: It's Sand People, all right. / Adam: Hmm. Are we talking boss fight or random encounter here? / GM: As you're pondering that, one leaps up and? / Adam: I shoot him! / [SFX]: Hrruuurrgg!! / GM: No, you're surprised. / Adam: I'm really not. / GM: By which I mean, he gets a +4 Ambush bonus. And the first attack. / Adam: Please tell me this game doesn't have Quick Time Events.
Episode 717: At Least it's a Two-Handed Weapon C-3PO: I karate chop the nearest Sand Person! / C-3PO: And roll... 1. / C-3PO: And fall over! / GM: Okay Corey, it's your turn. / Adam: I attack! / GM: You're currently wielding a pair of binoculars. / R2-D2: Maybe one of us should have made a hand-to-hand combat character. / Adam: Er... I duck! / GM: Roll against your Dodge score. / Adam: 5. / [SFX]: Wham!! / R2-D2: I don't suppose I can see my dreadnought from here? / GM: You roll desperately from side to side. You ... get hit and ... oooh, pass out. Tough dice. / GM: The Sand Person ululates triumphantly over your prone body. / [SFX]: Hurr-uurgh-uurgh-uurgh!! / Adam: Damn. Lost the fight. Where's my last autosave?
Episode 718: Rock Bot-tom R2-D2: Hey Sally, Annie, Jim. Sorry we're a bit late. / GM: Hi Pete. Hi Corey, good to see you again. / Adam: Yeah, I want to know what happens next. / GM: The Sand People drag your unconscious body back to your hovercar. / R2-D2: I hide in the rocks. / C-3PO: I'm going to play dead. / GM: You're a droid. How are you going to do that? / C-3PO: I rip my arm off! / C-3PO: And also, I lie on the ground. / GM: ... The Sand People collect your prone form. / GM: R2, despite your excellent attempt at camouflage, they notice you're not a boulder. One heads over to collect you. / R2-D2: Oh great, now we've got to escape from these guys as well. / C-3PO: This time I'm in charge of the breakout committee.
Episode 719: Return of a Jedi [SFX]: knock knock / GM: Excuse me, I'll just get the door. / Obi-Wan: I brought presents. / C-3PO: BEN!!! / Leia: Ben! / Captain Antilles: [[dead]] Hey dude. I was just thinking about you. / C-3PO: Where the hell have you been?! / Obi-Wan: Exploring. / Captain Antilles: [[dead]] Cool beard. / GM: Corey, this... is Ben, Sally's brother. / Obi-Wan: Game on? / R2-D2: Yes! Thank god you're back! Where's my frakkin' dreadnought?! / Obi-Wan: Crashed it, walked away. And you? / GM: They're on Tatooine, captured by Sand People. Except Annie, who's been captured by the Empire. And Jim, who's dead. / Obi-Wan: Sand People? / Obi-Wan: I know the Sand People. / GM: Okay... You've been on Tatooine for 19 years. You're right here on the map. And here's your character sheet. / Obi-Wan: Cool. / C-3PO: But where the hell have you been?!
Episode 720: Otherworldly Journey C-3PO: You can't just walk in here after two years and sit down and start playing the game again! / Obi-Wan: Sally, calm down, there's a lot? / C-3PO: Where! The! Hell! Have! You! Been?! / Obi-Wan: I'm sorry I didn't call. I did email. / C-3PO: One email! "I'm fine, I'm travelling." That's it! / Obi-Wan: I needed to rethink my life. / Captain Antilles: [[dead]] Cool. What did you learn? / Obi-Wan: To know and trust my instincts. / Captain Antilles: [[dead]] Yeah. Chocolate dice. Etcetera. / Obi-Wan: Indeed. / R2-D2: Yeah, this is nice and all, but the important thing is: the group is back together. / R2-D2: The circus is now complete. / Captain Antilles: [[dead]] When you left, you were but the learner; now you are the master.
 

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