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| Episode 1: The Saga Begins | GM: Right. Everyone listening? Here's the campaign intro. / Opening Crawl: Episode I - The Phantasmal Malevolence. Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute. Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo. While the Congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict... / Obi-Wan: I have a bad feeling about this... / Qui-Gon: What? I'm still looking at the equipment list. / Obi-Wan: How many gold pieces— / GM: Republic credits. / Obi-Wan: Whatever. How many do we have? / GM: Uh... 120 each. / Qui-Gon: Hmmm. We can't even afford blasters. / Obi-Wan: Oh man! / Qui-Gon: Let's see. Electro-axe. Energy mace. "Plasma bow"?? You just took a D&D equipment list and stuck techy words in front, right? / GM: Don't be stupid. / Qui-Gon: Ten foot laser pole... http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0001.html |
| Episode 2: Not Negotiable | Obi-Wan: So what weapons can we afford? / Qui-Gon: There's laser swords. We can get one of those each. / Obi-Wan: I suppose they'll have to do. / Qui-Gon: They sound lame. If this is a space game, we should have blasters. / GM: Are you quite ready to get on with it? / Obi-Wan: Okay, so where are we? / GM: Were you even listening? You're on a Trade Federation battleship. / Qui-Gon: All right! So who do we kill? / GM: http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0002.html |
| Episode 3: Whine and Cheese | TC-14: I'm TC-14, a protocol droid. Please wait here. / Obi-Wan: "Droid"? / Qui-Gon: It means "butler". / TC-14: A robot, a droid is a robot. / Qui-Gon: What a stupid name. Why don't you just call it a robot? / Obi-Wan: Shhh! He's trying to feed us plot. / TC-14: It's an honour to have two such illustrious Jedi ambassadors on board. / Obi-Wan: "Jedi"? / Qui-Gon: It's a type of cheese. http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0003.html |
| Episode 4: A Touch of Class | GM: Jedi is your character class. You're sort of warriors with arcane abilities— / Qui-Gon: Like fighter/mages? / GM: — fighting for justice. / Obi-Wan: Ah, paladins. / GM: No. You draw upon the power of the Force— / Qui-Gon: "The Force"? / GM: The Force is an energy field— / Obi-Wan: Energy? But energy is force times distance. / Qui-Gon: And "power of the force" would be distance times the derivative with respect to time. / GM: http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0004.html |
| Episode 5: Search and Destroy | Obi-Wan: So, we're just sitting in a room, waiting for these Trade Federation dudes to talk to us? / GM: Right. / Qui-Gon: We search the room. / GM: What? / Qui-Gon: We search the room. Anything valuable? / GM: It's a waiting room! You're ambassadors! / Qui-Gon: Well what do you want us to do? There's not even anyone to talk to except a butler robot. / GM: "Protocol droid". And what about some in-character conversation? / Qui-Gon: "Say Obi-Wan, how about we search the room?" / GM: Oh for crying out... Suddenly you hear a loud explosion! / Obi-Wan: We draw our swords! / GM: And poison gas starts filling the room! / Qui-Gon: Oh god, it's Tomb of Horrors all over again. http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0005.html |
| Episode 6: Jedi in the Mist | Obi-Wan: Poison gas? I hold my breath. / Qui-Gon: Me too. I look for an exit. / GM: The gas fills the room, obscuring your vision. / Qui-Gon: Right, I'm gonna kill the butler robot. / GM: No, you can't see it. / Qui-Gon: I swing my sword where it was just standing. / GM: Very well. You miss. / Obi-Wan: This is getting us nowhere. / Qui-Gon: We should get our ship to blast us free. / Obi-Wan: You mean our ship that almost certainly just exploded? / Qui-Gon: Is that what it was? Okay, let's take over this ship. / GM: Are you still holding your breaths? / Both: Of course! http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0006.html |
| Episode 7: Accentuate the Positive | Obi-Wan: Okay, I listen at the door. / GM: You can't see the door. But you can hear voices outside.
/ Trade Federation Guy: Guards, bling out the bodies! / Qui-Gon: What sort of stupid accent was that? / Obi-Wan: Japanese? / Qui-Gon: Are they samurai or something? / Attack droid: Roger roger. / Qui-Gon: There's that stupid butler robot! / Both: Attack! http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0007.html |
| Episode 8: Alea Jacta Est | GM: You see a squad of a dozen battle droids, each armed with a blaster. You're completely outnumbered and outgunned. There's no chance of escape. / Battle Droid Leader: Lay down your weapons and— / Qui-Gon: Attack! / Obi-Wan: What?! / Qui-Gon: We attack! / Obi-Wan: No, wait, the GM's trying to— / Qui-Gon: I roll a 20! / [sound]: Whooom! / [sound]: Krzzzsh! [[Qui-Gon chops a battle droid's head off]] / Obi-Wan: They have blasters! All we have are these dinky laser swords! / GM: It's their turn. They aim their blasters. / Obi-Wan: We have no defences! / GM: You should have thought of that before you went off my plot rails. http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0008.html |
| Episode 9: Right Back At You | GM: The droids fire! / Obi-Wan: We're screwed. / Qui-Gon: I block the shots with my laser sword! / Obi-Wan: What? / GM: What? / Obi-Wan: No... actually... that's going to work. A laser sword has to be a magnetically contained tube of plasma. Anything else is clearly ludicrous. / Obi-Wan: The containment field would obviously work in both directions. A blaster shot is also plasma. Q.E.D. / Qui-Gon: So... it'll deflect the shots back towards them? / Obi-Wan: Precisely! / GM: Who's running this game? No way! / Obi-Wan: Oh, well then, I guess we die and your campaign ends. / [[Beat]] / GM: http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0009.html |
| Episode 10: Having a Blast | Qui-Gon: I'll use a blaster in one hand, and the laser sword in the other hand. / GM: You can't. The laser sword is a two-handed weapon. / Qui-Gon: Okay, a blaster in each hand, then. / Obi-Wan: No, no, the laser swords are clearly superior. The robots couldn't possibly miss that many times if their weapons were any good. / Qui-Gon: That was just random! / Obi-Wan: The blasters are clumsy. The swords are much more elegant weapons. And they serve as shields too. A blaster can't do that. / Qui-Gon: If I aimed directly at an incoming shot... / GM: No no no! Absolutely not! / Qui-Gon: All right then. Sword it is. / GM: Good. Now, the Trade Federation have sealed the— / Qui-Gon: I carry all the blasters so we can sell them later. http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0010.html |
| Episode 11: A Bridge Too Far | GM: They've sealed the door to the bridge. / Qui-Gon: I cut through it with my laser sword! / GM: Hmmm?... / Obi-Wan: It's a field of plasma. It'll slice metal like a hot knife through butter. Otherwise there's no sense to this campaign— / GM: Huh? Oh, sure, yeah, go ahead... / Obi-Wan: Boo-yah! Is there nothing these puppies can't do? / [sound]: Whooom! / [sound]: Krzzzsh! / GM: Heh heh... / Qui-Gon: Wait a minute... Why is he laughing? / GM: They close the blast doors, which are ten times thicker. / Qui-Gon: Is that all? I stab my sword deep into the metal! / Obi-Wan: It'll melt a hole right— / GM: Yep, yep, fine... / Obi-Wan: This is too easy. / Qui-Gon: No, we just kick ass! / GM: Oh look, you're surprised by a squad of advanced battle droids! With plasma-proof energy shields! / Obi-Wan: Yeah... I act surprised. http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0011.html |
| Episode 12: Tactical Retreat | GM: The advanced battle droids fire! / Qui-Gon: I deflect it with my laser sword. / Obi-Wan: Me too. / GM: The blasts bounce off their shields. / Qui-Gon: I attack back. / GM: Your swords bounce off their shields. / Obi-Wan: The sword can cut through a blast door but not the shield? / GM: It's a cutting-edge war machine and you expect it to have no defences against a laser sword you bought in a bar? Of course it's not going to work. Otherwise there's no sense to this campaign. / GM: They fire again. / Qui-Gon: We can't hurt them, and they can't hurt us. Might as well go back to opening the blast door. / GM: Sure. By the way, these droids have rapid-fire weapons. What did you roll for your parry? / Obi-Wan: 14. / GM: http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0012.html |
| Episode 13: It All Comes Out in the Wash | Qui-Gon: Boy, lucky for us these Trade Federation ships have human-sized laundry chutes. / GM: It's a ventilation duct. / Obi-Wan: Then why doesn't it have any connecting passages? You wouldn't be trying to funnel us somewhere in particular? / GM: Would I do that? / Qui-Gon: Do robots even need clothes? / GM: It's a ventilation duct! / Obi-Wan: I believe you. / Qui-Gon: Thank you. / Obi-Wan: Not you. / GM: The duct dumps you on to the hangar deck. Thousands of battle droids are arrayed in formation next to troop dropships. / Qui-Gon: This must be where the laundry ship parks on pick-up day. http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0013.html |
| Episode 14: A Cunning Plan | GM: It looks like the Trade Federation are sending a droid invasion fleet down to the planet. / Obi-Wan: This is bad. They'll almost certainly open the airlocks rather than risk letting us live. / GM: Um... huh. / Obi-Wan: There's no time to lose. We need to split up and sneak about troop carriers. We can't count on there being enough air in one carrier for both of us. / GM: Wouldn't you rather stay in orbit, together, and deal with the leaders? / Qui-Gon: We should do what the bad guys least expect. / GM: You could try and follow my plot, that's what I least expect right now. / Qui-Gon: No, we're going down to the planet. What's it like? / GM: Er... um... Earth-like? / Obi-Wan: Hmmm. Convenient. http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0014.html |
| Episode 15: In Space, No One Can Hear You Shout | GM: The Trade Federation dropships fly down to the planet. / Qui-Gon: Hey Obi-Wan, when we land, you stay put and I'll find you. / Obi-Wan: Okay. / GM: You're in different ships; he can't hear you. / Qui-Gon: HEY OBI-WAN! WHEN WE— / GM: No. http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0015.html |
| Episode 16: Terra Incognita | GM: You open the hatch, stepping on to Naboo's soil. / Obi-Wan: We step on "tuna booze oil"? / Qui-Gon: It's a beverage popular in isolated fishing communities. / Obi-Wan: Eww. / GM: Naboo. It's the name of the planet. / Obi-Wan: Oh. / GM: The dropships release gravcraft laden with battle droids. / Qui-Gon: I befriend the fishermen in the local tavern and trawl for rumours. / GM: You're in a forest. And... the native wildlife is stampeding! / Qui-Gon: How many blasters am I carrying again? / GM: http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0016.html |
| Episode 17: Sally Forth | Qui-Gon: I roll a 9 for Dodge. / GM: Er... you brought your sister along? / Obi-Wan: Give me a break. My parents couldn't get a babysitter, so I have to look after her. / Sally: I'm not a baby! / Qui-Gon: I weave to the right! 12! / GM: Well she can't just sit around. I'll create a new PC for her. / Obi-Wan: If you must. / GM: Right. Sally, we're playing a game, okay? You have to pretend to be an alien, and Jim and your brother are humans who have to look after you. / Sally: Okay! / GM: Qui-Gon, suddenly you see an alien standing in the way of the stampede! / Qui-Gon: I dive and grab the alien, protecting it from the stampede at my own peril! / Jar Jar: Yay! / Obi-Wan: Oh god, this is going to be a long night. http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0017.html |
| Episode 18: A Rose By Any Other Name | GM: The stampede passes. Your heroic action has saved both yourself and the alien. / Qui-Gon: Well met, friend alien. What is your name? / Jar Jar: Sally! / GM: No, Sally, we're playing a make-believe game, remember? Can you think of a new name for yourself? A made-up name? / Jar Jar: Pikachu! / GM: Er, no... a name you made up yourself... / Jar Jar: Jar Jar Binks! / GM: Ooo-kay... You don't have to decide right now... Maybe you can come up with something better later. / Obi-Wan: http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0018.html |
| Episode 19: Dodge and Burn | GM: Suddenly, Obi-Wan emerges from dense undergrowth, pursued by droids on hoverbikes! / Qui-Gon: I draw my sword! / Obi-Wan: Don't forget they have to dodge the trees. / GM: Yes, that's how you stayed ahead of them for the last mile. They fire! / Obi-Wan: While steering their hover-bikes and avoiding trees. / GM: Yes, yes. The guns are turret-mounted. / Obi-Wan: Visibility in the forest is poor. And I'm dodging. And wearing a brown cloak. / GM: Make a Dodge roll. / Obi-Wan: And I have brown hair. / GM: Just roll already. / Obi-Wan: 16! / GM: You dodge. They fire at Qui-Gon! / Jar Jar: Oh no! / Qui-Gon: Why at me?! / GM: You're in a dark forest holding a glowing sword. / Qui-Gon: Right. I deflect the shot back! 11! / SFX: Krtzang! / SFX: Kaboom! / Qui-Gon: And you wanted me to put those Parry points into Diplomacy. http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0019.html |
| Episode 20: Intelligent Design | Obi-Wan: I decided to come and look for you because we failed to make any arrangements while on the ship together. / GM: Indeed. / Obi-Wan: What does our new friend look like? / Obi-Wan: That's you, sis. / Jar Jar: Mesa got biiiig long floppy bunny ears... / Jar Jar: ... and a tongue like an anteater! / Jar Jar: And mesa face is kind of like a pony and mesa coloured peachy pinky white! / Qui-Gon: You should have eyes on stalks so that you can see behind you. / Qui-Gon: That'd be so cool. / Jar Jar: Yeah! Mesa has that too! / Qui-Gon: You look awesome! / GM: I've run Call of Cthulhu with less ghastly sounding monsters. / Qui-Gon: I like the voice too. http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0020.html |
| Episode 21: I Didn't Vote For Her | Qui-Gon: Jar Jar, are there any humans on this planet? / Jar Jar: Ooh, yessy yessy! / Obi-Wan: Who's their leader? / Jar Jar: Their leader issa Queen Amidala! She issa very old and smart. / Qui-Gon: Sounds like the person we want to talk to. / Jar Jar: She issa 14 years old! All the peoples voted for her! / Obi-Wan: Hmmm... / Qui-Gon: Where does she live? / Jar Jar: Ooh, on the other side of the planet. / GM: Wait, wait, no! This is stupid! / Jar Jar: But... bubu... http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0021.html |
| Episode 22: It's Better Down Where it's Wetter | Obi-Wan: We need to avoid the droid army and find this queen. But she's on the other side of the planet. / Qui-Gon: We start walking. / Obi-Wan: ... away from the droids. / GM: Right. You come across a shoreline. You're clearly going to need to find some form of transport. / Qui-Gon: Jar Jar, any ideas? / Jar Jar: Mesa takes you to mesa city! / GM: City? What? Wait a second... / Jar Jar: It'sa underwater! / GM: Underwater?? / Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan: Cool! http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0022.html |
| Episode 23: Why Did The Gungan... | Jar Jar: Mesa shows you mesa underwater city. / Qui-Gon: Lead on! / GM: http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0023.html |
| Episode 24: Gungans & Qui-Gons | Qui-Gon: Tell us about this underwater city, Jar Jar. / Jar Jar: Ooh, it'sa made of big balls of glass, all full of air. With lots of fairy lights everywhere. It'sa called Otoh Gunga! / Obi-Wan: Sounds nice. How do we get in? An airlock? / Jar Jar: There'sa magic curtain where we walk inside. / Obi-Wan: Whoa, neato! / Qui-Gon: And what do we see inside? / GM: You see— / Jar Jar: All the peoples are happy to see mesa! / GM: They're not people, they're creatures like you. / Qui-Gon: What's this race called? / GM: Um... they're called... Phanastacorians. / Jar Jar: Gungans! / Qui-Gon: Will these Gungans help us? / Jar Jar: Ooh, yessy— / GM: No, they will not. A guard approaches to arrest you. / Jar Jar: Hey! You're spoiling my game! http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0024.html |
| Episode 25: Cunning Tarpals Syndrome | Captain Tarpals: Jar Jar! Why did you bring these humans here? You know they're not allowed. / Jar Jar: Oooh, Captain Tarpals! Sorry, mesa forgets. / Captain Tarpals: You'll be in trouble for this. / Jar Jar: But, wesa can use the humans for food! / Qui-Gon: That's a good... hey, wait, what?! / Captain Tarpals: Mmm. Excellent thinking, Jar Jar. Our fish supplies are running low. / Qui-Gon: If only we'd taken some of that tuna booze oil, we could bribe them... / Obi-Wan: Sadly, captain, our flesh is poisonous to your kind. / Jar Jar: Oh, don'tsa worry, wesa knows how to cook humans! / Obi-Wan: Sally! / Qui-Gon: Time for some diplomacy... / Obi-Wan: Captain, with respect, we come as ambassadors. There is a droid army invading your planet. Humans and Gungans must unite or both will perish. I roll a 15. / Captain Tarpals: Hmm. Very well. You may present your case to our leader. / Qui-Gon: Oh. Huh. I meant laser sword diplomacy. / GM: We know. http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0025.html |
| Episode 26: This is Serious | Boss Nass: [[white balloon (spoken by Sally)]] Jar Jar, whatsa you be doing backy here? / Jar Jar: Ooh, big Boss Nass, mesa helps these peoples excapes. / Boss Nass: Yousa break no-humans law! Yousa bein' pune-ished! / Jar Jar: Oh nosa! Please Boss Nass, nosa! / Boss Nass: And theesa humans, wesa bein' cooking them up for the big feast! / GM: Uh, Sally, will you please stop playing with those two dolls? / Jar Jar: But that's what you do! / GM: No, we're playing a serious game. Those are miniatures. / Jar Jar: Okay... / Jar Jar: So what happens next? / [[beat]] / Boss Nass: [[GM yellow balloon now]] Yousa break no-humans law! Yousa bein' pune-ished! http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0026.html |
| Episode 27: Orbilicious | Jar Jar: Yousa in big danger! Mesa came back to give warning. / Boss Nass: Danger? / Qui-Gon: Look. A massive robot army is invading this planet as we speak. / GM: Roll for Diplomacy. / Qui-Gon: 3. / Boss Nass: We no scared of no steenking droid army! Theysa all rust if they come here. / Qui-Gon: Hmm, he has a point. / Obi-Wan: Let me try. You and the Naboo form a symbiont circle. What happens to one of you will affect the other. You must understand this. / GM: Roll. / Obi-Wan: Oops. 1. / Jar Jar: Mmmm, snacks time. / GM: Sally, pass the Maltesers, please. / GM: http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0027.html |
| Episode 28: Finders of the Lost Plot | Obi-Wan: The Lost Orb of Phanastacoria? / Qui-Gon: It's.. um... it's... an orb... / Boss Nass: Inna da mists of time, a great Orb of power wassa stolen from Otoh Gunga. / Qui-Gon: And it's lost. / Boss Nass: It wassa powerful weapon. Without it wesa Gungans musta be defending wesa selves with primitive technologies. / Jar Jar: And it protects us from da giant fishes! / Qui-Gon: [[to Obi-Wan]] Sounds like at least +3. / GM: Hmmm. http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0028.html |
| Episode 29: ... To Get to the Other Side | Obi-Wan: Hmmm. We're still stuck unless they give us some kind of transportation. / Qui-Gon: I told you we should have befriended the local fishermen. / Obi-Wan: Maybe we can barter your blasters for some hoverbikes? / GM: You're Jedi, you know. The class comes with Force Abilities. Check your character sheets. / Qui-Gon: Hey cool, my spell list has "Suggestion". I cast that! / GM: It's not a spell, it's a Force Ability. / Qui-Gon: Whatever. / Qui-Gon: I roll a 13. "You want to give us a transport." / Boss Nass: Yousa takes a bongo to helps yousa on your way. / Obi-Wan: What's a bongo? / Qui-Gon: It's a— / GM: Transport. You hope. / Obi-Wan: Now, how do we reach the Queen? / Jar Jar: Through da middles of da planet! / Boss Nass: Uh.. yes! That'sa right! The fastest way is through the planet core! Heh heh... / Obi-Wan: Looks like someone's cast Suggestion on the GM. http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0029.html |
| Episode 30: Unarmed and Delicious | Obi-Wan: We set off through the centre of the planet. / Jar Jar: Ooh, mesa make sure mesa go to the toilet first! / GM: You guide the bongo through deep, dark underwater caves. / GM: Suddenly... you feel a shudder! A giant fish is trying to eat the ship! / Qui-Gon: Is it a tuna? / Obi-Wan: I gun the propeller, hoping to rip its mouth to shreds. / GM: Uh... the propeller isn't powerful enough. / Qui-Gon: We fire the rear weapons! / GM: There are no rear weapons. / Qui-Gon: Turn around and fire the main weapons! / GM: Actually... there are no weapons at all. / Jar Jar: Theesa big fishes eats bongos alla time! / Obi-Wan: I use my Force Suggestion. "Go Away!" / GM: You can't, you're just a Padawan. / Obi-Wan: ... "Padawan"? / Qui-Gon: A woven rug. / GM: A Padawan is a Jedi apprentice. You're training under Qui-Gon's supervision. / Jar Jar: Can mesa be a Jedi too? / GM: No! / Obi-Wan: No! http://darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0030.html |
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