You're browsing the archives of Calamities of Nature.
You can search these comics too.
show: [ full transcriptions | abridged transcriptions | just the first line ]
| Darwin's Other Theory | [[Aaron and Alp are sitting on a park bench. Alp appears to be eating something.]]
/ Aaron: The rat is a despised vermin with a multi-million dollar industry dedicated to its extermination. / Aaron: The squirrel is a lovable critter that old ladies enjoy feeding in the park. / [[The camera pans back to show that Aaron and Alp are feeding squirrels.]]
/ Aaron: The difference -- a bushy tail.
/ Alp: It's just another example of Darwin's lesser known theory.
/ Aaron: What's that? / Alp: Survival of the cutest! Ha ha, get it?
/ Aaron: Then why are you still around? http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=211 |
| Breakfast Is Served | Harold: Springtime at the farm is great! Did you see the little piglets?
/ Raymond: Yeah, they sure were cute! / Harold: It really makes you appreciate the magic of life.
/ Raymond: Ferd and Alp are doing some appreciating too... / [[ Ferd and Alp, hanging over the pigpen.]]
/ Ferd and Alp: Mmm... Bacon!... / {{alt text: Piglets, farms, and bacon. The perfect trifecta for swine flu (also known as the virus 2009 H1N1)!}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=212 |
| Swine Flu | Ferdinand: We'd like to apologize for our previous comic.
/ Harold: With the current swine flu crisis we shouldn't be glorifying bacon consumption. / Ferdinand: Well, at least we can still eat ham!
/ Harold: Ferd, ham comes from pigs. / Ferdinand: Really? ... Okay, but I can have baby back rigs, right?
/ Harold: Pig too. / Ferdinand: My god Harold!!! I'm going to starve to death because of this stupid swine flu!!! / Aaron: You idiots! You can't catch swine flu from eating pork! Just cook it, okay? / Aaron: Feel free to go back to your gluttonous, bacon eating ways! / [[Ferdinand and Harold stare at each other.]] / Ferdinand: No pork sushi?!?
/ Harold: *Sigh* http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=213 |
| Poetry in Motion | [[Alp and Raymond sit beside a tree. It is twilight.]]
/ Raymond: Alp, what are exploding stars called?
/ Alp: Supernovae. / Raymond: What are zero resistance conductors called?
/ Alp: Superconductors. / Raymond: What's the greatest symmetry in particle physics?
/ Alp: Supersymmetry. / Raymond: Scientists aren't the most poetic when it comes to naming their discoveries, huh?
/ Alp: Okay, do you prefer super DUPER? http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=214 |
| Mensa Shmensa, Part 1 | [[Aaron and a woman from MENSA are standing across from one another. They are apparently out in a forest. The woman has glasses that are reminiscent of a character from the Simpsons.]]
/ Aaron: So you belong to MENSA, huh?
/ MENSA Woman: Yes, it's an elite club that requires its members to have IQs within the top two percent. / Aaron: What do you do with all that fantastic brain power? Solve world hunger? Find new energy sources? Stop Poverty? / MENSA Woman: We do word and math puzzles, mostly.
/ Aaron: Wow, Inspiring. http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=215 |
| Mensa Shmensa, Part 2 | [[Aaron and a guy from MENSA are standing across from each other. The guy has a tweed jacket and a bad comb over.]]
/ Aaron: Hey MENSA Guy! Have any of your members ever won the Nobel prize?
/ MENSA Guy: No. / Aaron: Have any important scientific contributions ever been made by a MENSA member?
/ MENSA Guy: Not Really. / Aaron: With all those high IQs and hundreds of thousands of members, has anyone from MENSA ever done anything important? / MENSA Guy: There has been one porn star.
/ Aaron: Really?! I have a new-found respect for MENSA!
/ MENSA Guy: And a cartoonist.
/ Aaron: I rescind my last statement. / {{Fun fact: the porn star is Asia Carrera and the cartoonist is Scott Adams of Dilbert fame.}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=216 |
| Mensa Shmensa, Part 3 | [[Aaron and the guy from MENSA are standing across from one another.]]
/ Aaron: Don't be sad MENSA Guy, you're not completely useless.
/ MENSA Guy: I'm not? / Aaron: A physicist told me this slip of paper holds the key to all of the secrets of the universe. If only someone could decode it! / [[Aaron holds up the piece of paper, which reads: Complete the following analogy: Pear is to apple as Queen Latifah is to ____, a.) Rowdy Roddy Piper, b.) Spuds MacKenzie, c.) Pope Pius IX, d.) Nietzche, e.) Ol' Dirty Bastard]] / [[MENSA Guy is sweating with nervous excitement.]]
/ MENSA Guy: Oh my god! I can do this!! I can do this!!
/ Aaron: It's a joke, have some self-res-- Wait, did you wet yourself? http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=217 |
| A Better Way to Travel | [[Ferdinand and Alp sit in a car, Ferdinand is driving.]]
/ Ferdinand: We aren't moving at all. You need to think of an invention for traffic jams. / Alp: I do have one idea. Make the streets into giant conveyor belts. Even if traffic is stopped, you still keep moving. / Ferdinand: Brilliant! I love it!
/ Alp: Yeah, I wonder why no one else has thought of this. / [[It is revealed that they are driving the wrong way on a one way street. The other cars are honking and yelling at them.]]
/ < http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=218 |
| Bad Investments | [[Harold and Aaron are walking through the forest. The sun is setting behind them.]]
/ Harold: Remember in the mid-90s, when everyone thought they could get rich with comic books?
/ Aaron: You, the bottom sure fell out of that market! / Harold: That's what happens when speculators invest in comics as if they're rare when really they're not.
/ Aaron: And years later the stock and housing markets collapse. / Harold: Are you saying we should have learned from the example of comic books? / Aaron: I'm saying the same damn kids who bought the comics are now the stock brokers and lenders. http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=219 |
| Mensa Shmensa, Addendum | Aaron: Time to answer some reader mail. This one is from Barbara concerning our recent comics on MENSA. / Harold: Why would you attack this particular group? I have to assume you tried to join and the rejection letter hit you hard! / [[Harold and Aaron stare at each other.]] / Aaron: Barbara, thank you for answering your question for us. http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=220 |
| Just Scratching the Surface | [[Aaron and Alp are walking through the forest. The sun is rising in the background.]]
/ Alp: Scratch'n'sniff is one of the most overlooked technologies. The possibilities are endless! / Alp: Restaurant menus could use it to help customers choose their order. / Alp: It's perfect for blind people. Instead of braille, elevators could have a smell for each floor! Third floor? Strawberry please! / Aaron: Well, something smells funny right about now...
/ Alp: ... or what about scratch'n'sniff Playboy? http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=221 |
| A Matter of Degree | Aaron: I think that will just about do it, Josh--
/ Josh: Josh?! That's Doctor Anderson to you! / Aaron: Dr. Anderson? Your name tag says Josh.
/ Josh: I know what my name tag says, but I have a Ph.D. and I deserve some respect! / Aaron: Who cares if you have Ph.D.? I'm not calling you doctor.
/ Josh: You think just anyone can get a Ph.D.? It takes years of hard work and perseverance! / Aaron: And the desire to avoid a real job.
/ Josh: Have it your way! I'm not helping you unless you call me doctor. / Aaron: How about Mister Anderson? It's not like you perform surgeries.
/ Josh: No! It's Doctor Anderson! / Aaron: Fine... Fine... Doctor Anderson. Happy?!
/ Josh: Thank you! Now where were we?... / [[The camera pans back to show that Doctor Anderson is standing at a cash register.]]
/ Josh: ... Would you like fries with that? / {{other keywords: phd, education, liberal arts}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=222 |
| Environmentally Unconscious | [[Ferdinand stands in a forest spraying a can of product into the air. Aaron walks in.]] / Aaron: What are you doing spraying ozone depleting chemicals into the air?! / Ferdinand: I want a suntan.
/ Aaron: But you're covered in fur. / Ferd: Well, the first step is the acid rain... http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=223 |
| Guest Comic by Michael Firman | {{Guest-drawn comic, by Michael Firman who does the hilarious webcomic Moe.}} / Ferdinand: Check this out, I'm going to make Aaron look like a fool! / Ferdinand: Aaron!
/ Aaron: Yo.
/ Ferdinand: Did you know the word "gullible" is not included in dictionaries? / Aaron: No, it is. / Aaron: In fact you're pretty gullible yourself for believing otherwise.
/ Ferdinand: Dammit, that's not what you're supposed to say. What are you, stupid? http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=224 |
| The Elusive Question | Harold: I've spent all my life trying to please everyone, but no one's ever happy. / Aaron: Then why don't you do what makes you happy? / [[Harold ponders, as Aaron walks away.]] / Harold: But what makes me happy?! http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=225 |
| Messiah and Dictator | [[Aaron and Harold are sitting at the dining room table with newspapers in front of them.]]
/ Aaron: Why would so many blacks fervently follow the rules decreed by a Jewish man? / Harold: Are you referring to the preponderance of Christian African Americans? / Aaron: No, the NBA. http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=226 |
| I Tweet, Therefore I Am | Aaron: Get a load of that nutjob over there preaching Bible verses. / Aaron: Does he really think anyone's listening? Does he realize no one cares?
/ Ferdinand: Seriously, huh? / [[Ferdinand pulls out his iPhone and starts typing something.]]
/ Ferdinand: I gotta twitter about this! / {{other keywords: social media}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=227 |
| Watch Out for a Bloody Nose | [[Ferdinand and Raymond, a pile of white-ish powder between them, Raymond holds a straw]]
/ Ferdinand: Hey, do you mind if I have some?
/ Raymond: Be my guest / Ferdinand: < http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=228 |
| Getting Into Not So Hot Water | [[Alp reads a book titled: Blackbody colors and temperatures]] / [[Alp stops reading, appearing to think about something.]] / [[A running shower, the curtain obscures us from seeing who is inside.]]
/ Showering entity: Ahhh! / [[The curtain is pulled back, revealing Aaron in the shower. He points at the control for adjusting hot and cold, which indicates one side with the color blue and the other with the color red.]]
/ Aaron: Who switched this?!?! http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=229 |
| Impossible Dreams | [[Harold and Ferdinand are walking along a stream.]]
/ Harold: Ferd, if you could have anything in the world, what would you choose? / Ferdinand: Let's see, a Lamborghini, a pyramid, ten million dollars in gold bars, and a harem of supermodels. How about you? / Harold: I'd want inner peace, a sense of self worth, and true happiness. / Ferdinand: Harold, could you try to be practical? http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=230 |
| Being Frank | [[Alp works on a gadgety box with lights, switches and mysterious protrusions.]
/ Aaron: What are you wasting your time on now?
/ Alp: This! It's my newest, spiffiest invention. / Alp: I call it the honesty machine. It forces people to always tell the truth. Wanna try? / Aaron: That's the dumbest #*%@ I've ever heard!
/ Alp: Hold that thought. I need to plug it in. http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=231 |
| Be Prepared | [[Ferdinand and Harold are out in the forest. Ferdinand is standing on one leg.]]
/ Harold: Why are you balancing like that?
/ Ferdinand: You never know when you might lose a leg. Gotta practice! / Harold: That's horrible! Not only is it totally impractical, it's insulting to anyone who's actually lost a limb! / Ferdinand: Then I guess when my leg is severed in a horrific accident I'll be like, "in your face!" http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=232 |
| Lil' Calamities | {{The strip is titled "Lil' Calamities," owing to the usual characters being present, but in a flashback to when they were kids.}} / Aaron: From time to time we'll take a look back at when we were young.
/ Harold: We call this new feature: Lil' Calamities. / [[The kids are in school.]]
/ Teacher: Good morning children! Today in class we'll discuss what we want to do when we grow up. / Girl: I want to be an astronaut! / Boy: I want to be a doctor! / Lil' Harold: I want to live a sincere and honest life. / [[Lil' Alp wears a propeller beanie.]]
/ Lil' Alp: I want to genetically engineer a pig that is made entirely of bacon. / [[Lil' Ferdinand, instead of his familiar baseball cap, has an unruly mop of hair. Also, he wears a glittery glove and stylish jacket.]
/ Lil' Ferdinand: I want to be Michael Jackson. / Lil' Aaron: I want to be a statistic. What? Isn't that what we all eventually become anyway? http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=233 |
| Lil' Calamities and Bullies | {{As part of the "Lil' Calamites" sub-series, the characters are presented when they were kids.}}
/ Lil' Alp: What's the matter Harold?
/ Lil' Harold: Those bullies stole my lunch. / Lil' Harold: I don't understand how people could be so cruel! Can't they see that we all have to share this school together? We might as well be kind to one another, right? / Lil' Alp: I'm sure it'll all make sense when we're older. http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=234 |
| Lil' Calamities and History | [[A classroom. A teacher stands in front of a chalkboard.]]
/ Teacher: Children, put your books away. Time for a quiz. / Quiz: Why was Christopher Columbus important? / Lil' Aaron: Columbus brought whites to America, initiating the brutal oppression of the Western Hemisphere that persists to this day. / Lil' Aaron: and if you mark me wrong, it just proves that I'm correct. / {{title text: Lil' Calamities and History}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=235 |
| Not-So-Hypothetical Question | [[Ferdinand and Harold are walking through the forest at dusk.]]
/ Ferdinand: If someone has a tattoo across their breasts and a low cut shirt, is it rude to look? / Harold: Maybe, but you can't really blame someone, right? / Ferdinand: Jeez! I guess I won't be gettin' my breasts tattooed! I don't want pigs like you staring!
/ Harold: You're a guy! You don't have breasts! / Ferdinand: What, a guy can't have breasts? You're sexist too? You make me sick!
/ [[Harold holds his hands over his face.]]
/ Harold: Sigh... http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=236 |
| Redwoods | [[ Aaron and Raymond walking through the woods. All that can be seen of the trees are just tall trunks.]]
/ Aaron: It sure is amazing to walk through the Redwoods.
/ Raymond: I Agree. / Raymond: The Redwoods stand so majestically. They remind us how amazing the life force is. / Raymond: It is this force that permeates all living beings. And the Redwoods are the sentries, silently guarding its secrets. / Aaron: Thanks. Now you've ruined it. / {{alt text: Aaron and Raymond discuss how beautiful the redwoods are, but have differing opinions.}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=237 |
| Redwoods from a Different Perspective | [[Harold and Raymond walking in the woods. All that can be seen of the trees are their trunks.]]
/ Harold: I always feel a great sense of serenity when walking through the Redwoods.
/ Raymond: Me too. / Raymond: The Redwoods are so still. They have an amazing calming presence. They are the spiritual pillars of the forest, always lending unconditional support and never judging those of us below. / [[Harold and Raymond share a moment.]] / Harold: You can keep going.
/ Raymond: That's all I got! / {{alt text: Harold and Raymond discuss the spiritual nature of the redwoods.}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=238 |
| None of the News That's Fit to Print | [[Aaron is standing across from a stereotypical newspaper reporter.]]
/ Aaron: What's the matter newspaper guy? Why so down? / Newspaper Guy: I'm so depressed! Newspaper circulation continues to plummet! Everywhere newspapers are collapsing! / Newspaper Guy: Once all the papers are gone, how will people stay informed? Where will everyone get the news?! / Aaron: Probably from sources that actually know what they're talking about.
/ Newspaper Guy: What? A.P. reprints aren't good enough for you? / {{other keywords: newspaper industry, hopeless, find a new job}} http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=239 |
| Don't Be a Twitt | [[Aaron and Harold are walking through the forest.]]
/ Aaron: With the Iran protests Twitter has really come into its own. / Aaron: It's been key for organizing the resistance, as well as providing breaking news to leading media outlets. / Harold: But is it possible that Twitter is too powerful? Is it only a matter of time until a vicious rumor is propagated out of control? / Aaron: You mean like the alleged death of Michael Jackson?
/ [[Ferdinand's head appears from off panel.]]
/ Ferdinand: Not funny! http://calamitiesofnature.com/archive/?c=240 |
Archive Page:
<< 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 >>