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The Dick-O-Meter {Randy is sitting in a chair reading the newspaper} / {Darren enters the room} / Darren: Randy! Be in the lab in 2 minutes! / Randy: You mean Moe's bedroom? / Darren: Stop that! Just be there. / 2 Minutes later in the lab... / {Moe and Darren are making a presentation to Randy and Francis} / Moe: Gentlemen! I present to you, The Dick-O-Meter!!! / Darren: This revolutionary device will tell you, with pinpoint accuracy, just how big a dick your being. / Randy: Horsefeathers! Even if this device could act as a mechanical mood ring sensing one's attitudes, how big a dick someone's being is a matter of opinion. This is easily your most senseless invention ever. / {Close up of the Dick-O-Meter. The needle has shot up from "not really a dick", past "kind of a dick", up to "Huge dick!" and it's beeping wildly.} / {Randy walks off angrily while Moe and Darren share a high five}
http://theheightscomic.com/2008/02/26/the-dick-o-meter/
The Cuss Jar {Darren, Francis and Randy are sitting on the couch watching TV} / TV - And in sports: The Heights Jungle Cats suffer another loss... / Darren - FUCK!!! / Randy - DARREN! / Randy (to Darren) - What's wrong with you? You can't say FUCK in front of Francis, he's a little boy. / {cut to Randy, Darren and Francis at a table with a cuss jar sitting on it and a quarter inside the jar} / Randy - Gentlemen, this is the cuss jar. Whenever someone says a cuss, they have to deposit 25¢ / Darren - BullSHIT / {cut to Moe walking past the cuss jar} / Moe (thought bubble) - Take another little piece of my heeaarrt now ba... WHAT THE... hmmm.... / {Moe writes something on a piece of paper} / {The jar now has a piece of paper with the word FUCK written on it and Moe is walking off with the quarter}
http://theheightscomic.com/2008/02/29/the-cuss-jar/
Happy Birthday Francis Darren: Oh snap, Moe, we're a couple of serious shits. Francis' birthday was last week and we ain't get him nothin. What the hell we gonna do? / Moe: Damn... / Moe: Well you know Randy's gonna give us hell if we get him them Family Dollar action figures like last year. All dressed up in regular-ass uniforms like paramedic and policeman and gas station attendant. / Darren: I got it! Francis loves the circus right? So we can get all those tools out the garage and build a circus in here for him. / Moe: HELL YEAH!!! / {Moe and Darren high-five} / Later.... / Darren [from out of panel]: Hey Francis, we got a surprise for you in the living room. / Francis [running through the kitchen]: I'm on my way! / Moe and Darren have turned the living room into the freakshow of the circus with Francis as the main attraction. One poster reads "Francis! The incredible Boy Without Friends". Another reads "Nature's greatest insult to the human eye." Moe and Darren are pointing at him looking accomplished while Francis just looks sad.
http://theheightscomic.com/2008/03/04/happy-birthday-francis/
Francis has an Idea Francis - How hard could it be to make friends? Think, Francis! / {Francis is thinking} / {Francis is thinking more} / {A light bulb appears above Francis' head} / {The light bulb smashes on top of his head} / {Moe is leaning out the window looking down at Francis while Darren is on a ladder unscrewing a light bulb} / Moe - SPLAKOW! Right on the noodle! Gimme the other one before he runs.
http://theheightscomic.com/2008/03/07/francis-has-an-idea/
The Mess Darren: I ain't seen Francis all day, he get eaten by a bear or somethin? / Randy: No, Darren, Francis did not get eaten by a bear. He's in his room, and he's not coming out until it's clean / Darren: Not even for dinner? I mean damn, how bad could it be? / Randy: Have you ever seen a movie theater with the lights on? / Moe: I'm not hungry anymore.
http://theheightscomic.com/2008/03/11/the-mess/
 
Francis Trims his Bush {Francis is trimming the hedges} / Darren: Francis!!! Hell you doin boy? / Francis: Oh hi Darren. I cut the hedges into a scene from Angels in the Outfield. / Francis: Whatdya think? / Darren: Perfect. / / {Francis storms off as Darren pisses on his bush}
http://theheightscomic.com/2008/03/14/francis-trims-his-bush/
The Truth Fairy Moe: And that's how the tooth fairy works. Now go to sleep!
http://theheightscomic.com/2008/03/18/the-truth-fairy/
PIG! Girl 1: OMIGOD! Look at that guy over there! / Girl 2: OMIGOD what a pig!!! / Girl 2: omigod... PIG!!! / Girl 1: PIG!!! / Darren: Man, I dig on some french toast, but it is ME-SSY!!! / Randy: I believe that's why you have the fork. / Darren: Look at those girls. Can't stop starin' at the big D
http://theheightscomic.com/2008/03/21/pig/
The Sauce Shooter Moe: Dig... People get their honk on all reckless... But the horn ain't no smart bomb... That fool cutting you off might think you're honkin' at a pretty lady or somethin'... / Moe: But with the new Mobile Sauce Shooter, you can hit his car with a squirt of ketchup, mustard, or even A1... / Darren: OK, but what about barbecue sauce, or teriyaki, or marinara? / Moe: What about yes, yes and yes!!! / Darren: Hollandaise? Thousand island dressing? Gorgonzola cheese sauce? / Moe: Chipotle mayo, tarragon vinaigrette, spiced pine nut hummus! / Darren: I'm gettin hungry! / Randy: ENOUGH!!! / Randy: Never in all my days have I been subject to such unadulterated twaddle!! / Randy: Come on, Francis. We're leaving before we get infected with stupid! / Francis: Maple syrup? / Moe & Darren: HELL YEAH!!!
http://theheightscomic.com/2008/03/25/the-sauce-shooter/
Sauced! Randy: If I had those golden dreams of my yesterdaaayyy I would wrap you in the heavens and feel it dying dying DYING all the way. I feel like makin'... / Randy: Ba-da BAAA ba-da BAAA ba-da BAAA FEEL LIKE MAKIN' LOOOVE BAAA ba-da BAAA ba-da BAOWWW / Randy: Feel like maaaakin' love TOOOOO... / {splort} / Randy: AAAHHHH!
http://theheightscomic.com/2008/03/28/sauced/
 
Redemption Darren: I can sense that you two are in here havin' a bad idea. / Francis: We felt bad about saucing Randy so we're packing him lunch for tomorrow. / Darren: In a Partridge Family lunchbox??? Randy's a scientist, dummies. You can't do science with a lunchbox!! Jesus. / Francis: Sometimes he can be very insensitive. / Moe: And I went through a lot of trouble to find that lunchbox. Oh well... / {written on a lunch bag} Lunch for Randy. From Moe and Francis (not Darren)
http://theheightscomic.com/2008/04/04/redemption/
Randy Can't Get Happy Randy: No, Moe, I'm not "totally jazzed" about my lunch... / ...For starters, why did you put a lunch box inside of a lunch bag? / Randy: Well, on top of being just excessive packaging, it's also inappropriate... / Because I'm a scientist, Moe. I can't come to work with a lunchbox! / Randy: And furtherm... What?... oh yeah the sandwich was great... what was that stuff?... Nutella?... yeah... yeah you're right, it IS like peanut butter made of chocolate... yeah... yes I suppose it is one of the best ideas on the pla... / Randy: Wait a minute, we're getting off subject. This lunchbox is a real problem. My boss saw me with it and now he thinks I'm a dunce. You probably just cost me my promotion... / No, I'm definitely not going to let you speak to my boss. / Randy: No, I don't want to talk to... No... No I don't want to talk to... Moe do not put him on the phone I did not ask to speak to... / Randy: ...Hello, Francis... / No, I'm not "totally jazzed" about my lunch...
http://theheightscomic.com/2008/04/08/randy-cant-get-happy/
The Birds Randy: ZZZZZZZZ / ZZZZZZZZZZ / Randy: AAAAHHH!!! / Lunchbox: Fuck You!!
http://theheightscomic.com/2008/04/11/the-birds/
Detective Darren Darren: So, lemme get this straight... you threw Moe's lunchbox in the trash, then when you woke up it was in your bed... and then it said "fuck you"?? / Randy (on phone): Yes, exactly. / Darren (on phone): Did it say anything else? / Randy: Oh sure, it hurled pretty much every obscenity I'm familiar with. Then it accused me of not having a soul. Then it sobbed quietly for roughly an hour before explaining that all he needed was a hug sometimes. / Darren (on phone): Right. And what did it sound like? / Randy: Like a short, wrathful substance abuser who hadn't slept in several months. / Darren: ... Don't move, I'm on my way there!
http://theheightscomic.com/2008/04/18/detective-darren/
End Game Randy: Possessed? / Darren: Possessed. / Randy: By Danny Bonaduce? / Darren: That's what I'm telling you! / Randy: Well then I've got to get rid of this thing. It's not going to be easy... / But I think I've got an idea...
http://theheightscomic.com/2008/04/22/end-game/
 
Farewell, Bonaduce Lunch Box: FUCK YOU! / Randy: So I guess that was fairly easy after all... / Randy: Wanna go get some ice cream? / Darren: Shut up, Randy.
http://theheightscomic.com/2008/04/29/farewell-bonaduce/
A Stink Darren: Aw snap! This M&M ain't got no peanut in it. I'm 'bout to make a serious stink! / Moe: I dunno, D. Maybe you should sleep on it. / Darren: Why? / Moe: Right now some M&M hotline girl is sittin there, wishin she'd got a diploma, and you bout to go toe-to-toe with her over a peanut... / ...maybe you're gettin a little reckless with your stink-makin. / Darren: Well maybe you shouldn't tell me what to do, MOE! / Moe: Maybe you should learn to choose your battles, DARREN! / Darren: Maybe you're a shmuck-face know-it-all! I'll be in my room! / Darren [on phone]: Yes I WOULD like to speak to your manager! / Darren [thought bubble]: Damn... I guess this is a pretty frivolous stink I'm makin. I owe my dawg an apology.
http://theheightscomic.com/2008/05/02/a-stink/

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